S02E03 White Gravy

That's right, it's another night and I'm not sure taking my keys to grab yourself a drink is as dangerous as letting Foxtail be in the junk. What's going on guys, welcome back to another episode of Not Sure Taking My Keys. Lufty Bones here with the good Dr. Jump. Vernon Foxtail coming to you live on location from the Foxtail parent basement. The Fox Hole. The Fox Hole itself, gentlemen. What's going on? That's a good name, the Fox Hole, I like that. Yeah, we're live in the Fox Hole. Good. I have a little jitters here, we have a live studio audience. Yes, we are in front of a live studio audience. We got Mother Foxtail. She's just staring right at me. Giving you the hardcore eyes right now, just staring you down like, say something funny, dickhead. Yeah, get going. I feel like a genius. Pick your laugh, pick your laugh. Things are good. How's the week going for you guys? Good, I actually met Foxtail and Comptroller down in Dallas and we all went to dinner. Oh, sweet. Give him a round of applause for that actually. He did, he got it. He got our nicknames instead of having to edit in his, so he's got to take a fucking shot every time he slips up on that shit. He's got it good now. What do you have over there, what is that? That's Dalmore. Scotch? It's like a whiskey bourbon scotch. One of those elusive whiskey bourbon scotches. I went with what C*** was drinking last episode. Oh, you just said his name. Oh, I just did it. You just said his name. Oh, I already did that, okay. Started that off nice, so I'll edit that in there. Yeah, so I went with what Lefty had last week. Last week, the sixth glass, I kept calling it everything else but that all day. You're drinking six glasses? Six stones. This is going to be a sloppy night. Six areas, six headed beast. That's like ten and a half EBV, so that'll put you at a proper point. Yeah, I was looking at that, it is a ten. That's a strong beer. Double than what a Corona is. I don't know why we're using that as our measuring stick. Well, that was like our drinking last episode. Oh, yeah. So are you just tired of drinking your Jack? I have some of that over there. You're just trying to branch out? Yeah, instead of just having, it's only that. A man cannot live on bread alone, right? Oh, thank you, Comptroller, brought us a little prompt over with our names so everybody can remember who the f*** we are. It needs to be in front of you. I f***ing got it right. I just always refer to both of you at the same time as you guys, so I have to work better. It's pretty easy for me. It's real f***ing simple around here for me. Alright, jumping in. We're looking straight into the world of sexy times behavior. And sometimes, you know, I think we've all been there. You enter into a situation where you're not sure if you should be doing what you're doing. And a condom just may not be enough. May not be enough protection for you. So I would like to introduce to you something that sounds like Dr. Drunk could have f***ing named. The ScroGuard. Oh. I don't know if any of our listeners have seen the show Dave. Have you guys seen the show Dave? I have not seen Dave. I have seen a few episodes. It's about this Dave Bird. He's a white rapper. Jew rapper. White Jew rapper. Jewish rapper. I don't know why that matters. Because that's like the whole joke in the whole show. That's like basically most of the punchlines. But in the show, he's going to hook up with a chick and he puts this on. Oh really? And he is in like a place with all these people. And the premise of the dude, his name is Little Dicky. Okay. He raps about how he has a small penis. Inspired by anybody we know. And anyway, in the episode he puts it on because he thinks he's going to hook up with this chick. What do you put on? Describe it because we need to... It looks like prosciutto panties that you have like a little hole for your cock to come through. Yeah, I mean it kind of looks like a jock strap. The way it's explained is it's supposed to keep the bodies from touching so you can't get an STD. Yeah, you don't want all the fuses getting all up in your other areas down there. It's shocking that I didn't invent this. Fucking herpes on your waistline or something. You don't want that. Skin to skin contact. Right, right. But that ain't going to keep you from getting this. In the episode he puts it on and he's at a house party and they all are fucked up and drunk. And all the people are like, we want to see your penis. See if it's actually as small as you say. So they rip off all his clothes. And he's wearing this fur jacket. And they're all like, what the fuck is that? And then he like runs out of the house and he's like running down the street. And all he's got on is this thing. So they end up making, somebody ended up creating this because of this joke? Or has this already been a product and they just implemented this into that show? Yeah, yeah. He found it and wanted it in the show. I don't think it's actually a thing anymore. I think it's been discontinued. Well, I'm just looking at this here. It looks like it's very much a thing. But I want to know, it says you can connect a, like hook a condom up to the scrow guard. I want to know about the, it's like a cam and groove type system. It's going to lock in. Does it lock it or is it like you roll it over the exterior of the scrow guard? Or does the scrow guard tuck into the condom? How does that work? Put a little Bob Smith super glue around there. Seal that up. We need to get on eBay and like buy one or something. And then we can test it out. Well, the best part of it, the link here says football players wear protective pads so they can play harder. Steers wear helmets so they can go faster. Soldiers wear armor so they can excel in battle. And men wear scrow guards so they can enjoy sex to the fullest while reducing skin-to-skin contact. Instead of men wear scrow guards so they can fuck harder. Or something along those lines. They can fuck safer. They can fuck safer, right? I mean, if there's one thing I hate, it's skin-to-skin contact. Yes, we know you hate skin-to-skin contact. Skin-to-skin contact, man. Put a little sand in between there. It's a nice buffer sand. I tried to hold junk sand on the drive up here and he got real fucking weirded out by it. That dude hates skin-to-skin contact. He needed a few more drinks first. It looks weird. Especially stretched out where they unfold it, where it like undoes it. Instead of having it flat, it's laid out like a template. I mean, you can also tell. Made of prosciutto. It's not surprising to me that this thing has been discontinued. Who's buying that and who's putting it on? I think that they should still keep it alive because that is creepy for like some Halloween weirdness right there. Halloween's always around. I feel like the Red Hot Chili Peppers back in the day coming out were just wearing that. Marilyn Manson would be wearing that. Oh, Marilyn Manson probably is. You know what I'm saying? He bought them out. That's why they went out of business. They didn't have any more to sell. Marilyn Manson bought them all. Especially that, like, this thin, rubbery... Eww. Eww. I'm just saying, as a controller, as a woman, if you brought home a man from the bar and he took his clothes off and he was wearing the scroll guard... Kicking the fuck out of the house. Right. Like, how would that go over? Oh, Lupito's dead. You wouldn't be, like, super impressed that he was so, like, considerate of everyone's safety? I mean, basically, he's, like, hedging his bets about you being such a dirty whore. He's like, I don't want your fucking... Do I have to talk to you, Tex, or... I don't... What's going on here? Did you bring one for the teacher too? You don't want your fucking dirty HPV getting up on his shit. He's like, I got a scroll guard on. Keep me safe. Right? You know, got him in the room. It's all hot. Everybody's in the mood. You peel down his pants and you just get this overwhelming aroma of, like, cheese, prosciutto. Like a... What is that? A caprese? Like a... Is that how you say it? Is it a caprese? Caprese. Caprese? Caprese. Caprese is... She's fantastic also, but that's not who we're talking about right now. Caprese. Caprese. I didn't know that's how you said it. Well, Foxfield's got an Italian cat, so, you know. We learned from her. Maracchini tells us to say it. Maracchini tells us to say it. Alright, well, speaking of languages no one can fucking understand like that pseudo-Italian gibberish, a guy in Las Vegas has had an interesting encounter with a UFO that crashed. I'm sorry. A UAF? UAP. A UAP? My apologies, a UAP? Mama Birkin with a UAP. Unidentifiable Aerial Phenomena. Yes, we have our resident UAP expert in the house, so we're able to... We have to bring a specialist in on these kinds of situations. It should be Mama Foxtail, by the way, Comptroller. Please adhere to the rules. You gotta make sure that we have experts in the house if we're discussing serious subjects like this. But, yeah, a UAP crashed into this gentleman's backyard and a 10-foot fucking alien got out and was hiding behind a forklift. I don't really know why the forklift was in their backyard, but that's the shit that happened. And this is recent news, guys. This just went down, like, about a month ago, so it could be anywhere right now. How do you know it's 10-foot? Bro's like, they are not human. 100% they are not human. I hope they're fucking 10 feet tall. It's hard to be human to be 10 feet tall. Wasn't Yao Ming 10 feet tall? He said large creatures, like, plural. So... Yeah, he said there was a lot. And he kept saying, like... But there's no video of this bullshit. It's just this guy talking about... Like, every single person has a phone. Like, would you not record it, take a picture? Look, sometimes you're gonna be too uptight. Like, this shit's going down in real time. You're not gonna think to grab your phone and take a picture. You got green lights flashing across the sky, an explosion in your backyard. You go running out there like, what the fuck? Was that an airplane? No. It's fucking... It's a UAP. And there's 10-foot green men coming at you. You're like, oh, stop, guys. I'm gonna go back inside. I'm just saying, we got videos of everything except for aliens. Is that not... Possibly, they're, like, ghosts. They're not people. It could be that they're, like, they don't show up on... They don't show up on, like, video. It could be organoplectic. Like a chameleon? They blend in? It's like that dude's describing it. It goes, you know, 8, 9 feet, 10 feet. I don't know. They look alien to us. So it's like, they look like aliens to us. So there's really no... They don't even know exactly what the hell they're seeing. I'm just saying, we take pictures of everything. Yeah, I know. We don't have a picture. How many people on this world that no one has a picture of an alien? So, I'm just going to say... This dude was actually out working on his car in his driveway. Probably not real. They said that a camera from his neighbor's house picked up the bang and the aftershock, and then there's a perfect circle in his backyard. Do you know how many bangs happen in Green Valley, like, every Friday and Saturday? Are you on the Residence Green Valley page where everyone's like... Oh, did you hear that? Did you hear that? Pretty sure you know I'm not on Facebook or any other social media except for Reddit. Lefty's too good for Facebook. Thank you to the good people at Reddit for providing us the only reliable source of news on the Internet. Reddit, we're your front page of the Internet news. If they're sponsoring us, man, this is great. If not, here's a brief look for you. Yep. News, Flash, they're not. No. Yeah, giant light falling from the sky. Big impact in a bang. Shockwave. He's freaking out. It's all blurry. Shit's going weird. He can see everything. He can see his backyard, but then he can't see, like, the creatures. They're blurry looking. So they're probably, uh... Blurry with big eyes. Yeah, they're organoplectic. There was, like, a sonic boom and a shockwave in Washington, D.C., like, a week ago, because they... Alien. Rambled the fighter jets, and they had to go to, uh... Defcon 1? Whatever that word is. Washington? Seattle? Where they had to break the sound barrier. Mach 1? Sonic booms? Yeah. Or get the fuck out of speed? I thought somebody was trying to crash a plane into the White House. Anyway. Oh, Washington, D.C. I thought you meant in Washington state. No, I said D.C. Like, was it Bigfoot? Squatch? Got that Squatch sighting. He's out there. Sending fighters. That's another thing that's not realistic. Squatch? You don't really believe in the Squatch? Everybody's trying to take a picture of Bigfoot, and nobody has a picture of Bigfoot. Well, there are pictures of Bigfoot. Videos of Bigfoot. Yeah, there's, like... A lot of them... Like, blurry images of a brown thing. Yeah, that's another thing about videos, too, though. It's like, why are all the videos... Even nowadays, most of them, when you see it, it's like, why are these really bad? That reminds me of Harry and Hendersons. Remember that movie? Oh, Harry and Hendersons? Fantastic, man. I love Harry and Hendersons. John Lithgow is always so good as, like, this unscrupulous, like... That's not the word I'm looking for. You know what I mean? He's, like, so businesslike, but he's flappable. He doesn't want to be flappable, but he gets flapped all the time. You're spiraling off, and it's my fault, but I love that movie. No, it's okay. It's fine. It's good. John Lithgow, also fantastic, and, like, uh... Footloose. Well, we're also trying to find more content for this UFO business, because it's... Footloose, man. That's the word. John Lithgow. It's like, alright, thanks, Las Vegas guy, but, like, have a video next time. Well, I'm not shocked that we got the story from fucking Fox News, where it's like, what's the story? Oh, there is no story. Thanks, Fox News. Oh, yeah. Here's, like, a picture of what it looks like. What is that image that we're seeing on the article? It's the body cam, like, a photo from the body... It's like, where's that at, you know? There's always body cam releasing, but not this one. Nope. Nope. Nothing going on here. So either there was some shit going down, and they're like, oh, okay, don't worry about it too much, other than just by print, or... The fucking CIA probably came in and grabbed that body cam footage and tucked it away in the National Archives with all the stuff they needed to junk down. Maybe Secure Team... It's in Trump's bathroom. YouTube, Secure Team needed another video to keep their stuff going. He's got the files in his basement, anyway. Speaking of movies and aliens, Signs. Great movie. Oh, Signs is what I thought of when I read this. Yeah, yeah. That scene where they're at, like, the... They're at the party? They're like, the Filipino or the Mexican kids at their party, and it fucking walks across a little alleyway. Oh, God. That got me every time I watched that thing. It was just on the other day. I was, like, just checking channels, you know, looking at shit, and I was like, ah, Signs is on. Son of a bitch, right at that moment, too. I click it on, like, 30 seconds later, here he comes, skirting across there. Oh, shit. I love that movie. Always gives you the fucking... What was that one? There was another one. We'd watched that, I think. Mama Foxtail and I. The Fire in the Sky. Oh, yeah. That was that one. I think it was based on a story where a dude was, like, out in the woods or whatever, and he got, like, disappeared for, like, a month or two, and then they found him in a gas station or some shit like that. Do they get probed? Yeah, of course. They always gotta get probed. Do they always go for your ass? I mean, if you're... I can't imagine. It's like as if they don't even really know what we are. They're like, what is this? What is these? The easiest way to find out what anything is is to go straight for those holes. Go and start picking at those holes. And it's like, why do they even know to do that, you know? It's like, how do you even know to go for orphans like that? They're just trying to set us on edge. Yeah, it seems like... Are they looking for polyps? Yeah, because any other time anybody else does that, it's like the doctors and shit. Like, we do that to ourselves. So it's like, why are y'all doing that to us? Are they trying to keep us from getting cancer? Well, that's what it is. Because they're coming here and they're trying to cure cancer. They're actually benevolent beings, which I've never doubted. I mean, most of them, like Elon, not so much. Yeah, I think straight-up aliens are. They're just weird, like, weird orphancy pervs. It's like we're a fixation to them, you know? They come and visit us and mess with us because they like doing it. It's like a thing they like to do. All right, so it looks like some jackass, and I don't know, man. Okay, I get it. There's going to be, like, times where you get a dare or you get a wild hair up your ass or you're thinking it's time to make a man of yourself. Flatbets? Flatbets, that's a great example. This motherfucker, 24-year-old man, was arrested for free-climbing the Lost World Tower in Seoul, South Korea, with his bare hands. And I'm talking no rope, no nothing. I'm talking no rope, no nothing. It's 123 stories tall, which is like, I don't know, 2,000 feet or some shit. I can't do math like that right now. No way. But he did it. Freehand. He just did it. See, like, fucking 73rd floor, they got him. Yeah, see, like, if this was a ride with, like, harnesses and all kinds of stuff, I still wouldn't do it. Still wouldn't do it. This dude down here freehanding it, he has a death wish or something. Like, I'm not trying to do that. Yeah, how do you, like, where and when are you able to, like, take a rest break, right? Because you're just, like, it's just constant burn until you get to the top. Because, like, if you've got ropes or whatever, you can hook and sling, and then you can kind of just take a moment. But it's like, what are you doing, dude? Like, for real. I always liken these types of situations to a time that myself and Foxtail and Comptroller, we were down in the bottoms of Kansas City, and there were, like, these giant fucking grain silos or some shit, and you two jackasses decided you were going to climb to the top of them on this ladder. Oh, I wouldn't make that. Comptroller just scurried up there like a fucking squirrel with a nut, just all the way to the top. You got, like, I got maybe a quarter of the way, and I'm like, whoa, this is fucking pieced out and dirtied back down. This ain't going to be working out. But it was a fatigue thing, because you couldn't lean back, right? You were close to the ladder. You got plenty of time. Like, it had that weird, like, outside bar stuff, so if you wanted, you could step and, like, hang on and, like, just stand, basically, and rest. When you're doing what this guy's doing, he's, like, holding inside the grooves of the building. Yeah, and I mean, what's crazy is he's... 24 years old, yeah, young man, but he's still... His lefty wouldn't even go up 73 floors. In the building. No, fuck no, fuck no. What, walking stairs? I would not do 73 floors walking stairs. I don't like things taller than me. I don't. That's way taller. He had a hard enough time in a two-story house. Look, I'm 6'4". That's as high as I need to be. If I step on a stepstool, maybe, like, 6'8", I'm uncomfortable. I don't like it. I don't think you're 6'4". Well, I am. We're going to have to bring out the tape on that. Whatever you want to get out, measure whatever you want to measure, buddy. As big as I say it is. So, did this kid have anything special to say when they wrapped him up? No. It was just like, he's just trying to do... What are they saying, this is the sixth tallest building in the world? That's right. And fucking be a man and just fucking go do it on the tallest one, you bitch. Yeah. Why are you doing this on the sixth tallest building? What building is that, by the way? I'm sure that's in Dubai, probably. Yeah, I think the tallest building's in Dubai. Definitely in Dubai, but this is probably the first time... Probably that fucking skinny one. This is not the first time that this fella has been arrested for trying to climb buildings. Okay, well you obviously don't get in trouble that bad. He was arrested in 2019 for trying to climb the Shard building in London. 2019, so then he was... What, not even broke 20 yet? Yeah, he was basically 20 years old at that time, so he's got a long history. I'm just trying to understand, why is this against the law? Why does the police care? Well, because they don't want him to fall off and go splat. Also, you let them establish a precedent, this is okay? Then everybody in the world... Grandmas, geriatric uncles up there fucking trying to climb buildings. Anybody and everybody that's got a toxic nature like that that's like, Yeah, I can fucking do that. Well, it sounds like a way to kind of weed out some of the dumbasses. Well, no, I'm fine with natural selection. Yeah, there's always that. It's like, if I'm walking underneath on the sidewalk, I don't want him falling on me. I'm not an innocent bystander. Yeah, because at a certain point, I think that's going to be so rampant to where, you know, normally everybody's going to be watching and filming, so you'll know. You'll be like, oh, there's something going on in the bus. There's going to be like 17 people on the bus. Yeah, but after a while, it's going to be every day. People are just going to be strolling. I don't know where these people are. Oh, one day you got a fucking body fall down. I don't know where these people are. It's not going to be me. It's not going to be us. Who's climbing these buildings? You guys climbed that fucking railroad track bridge. Yeah. Well, you guys did that shit. Simply bridge. You didn't do that. And we would climb some of those older buildings downtown. This is super dangerous. It's a little dangerous, I guess. Well, I almost died walking in. I almost died in one of those buildings downtown just walking around on the inside. I think that some bitch is still here. Actually, a lot of them are still around. I'm still there. I'm not going back in them, though. We were down in Southwest Trafficway today, and yeah, all those buildings that we went through. Some of them have parts of them, maybe. I don't even know. It's weird. It's like they decide, all right, we're just going to destroy this part of it and level it out and keep these parts. Well, every time I drive to the airport or whatever, I always see that one building that we all climbed up. Creepy. Yeah. And I think someone fell through the roof of that. No, that's how Chris's story always plays into it. He almost went through the roof of that place. Nobody ever did. Nobody did. Somebody eventually went through the roof of the door. Not us. No, not us. Oh. Somebody else was doing what we were doing, and they fell through the roof of the other room. I had one foot over the abyss, and Bubz pulled me back. And I opened the door, and I went to step in, and she was like, let your eyes adjust first. Like, freaking calm down. There was no floor in that room. I would have gone straight down a level. It would have been all sorts of fuck. And on the subway bridge, Foxtail put me out. Oh, I'm sorry. Foxtail put me out, and he was ready to just sacrifice me. He got behind the girder. He was good. And he just let me be. The train's coming. It's like, oh, shit. Where do we go? He was like, it's me or him. He chose himself. He's got a little fucking, you know, Heisman trophy step arm. He's holding it out there. He got it. Shut your eyes. Don't get the dust in your eyes. You guys are peeing in the middle of the bridge, and the train's coming. Yeah, we were right in the middle of that. If any of our listeners have ever seen that movie Stand By Me, it was kind of like that, except we didn't make it to the end. We were just stuck out in the middle of the fucking bridge with the train going like 60 miles an hour right next to us. It was going good. It was like, what, like three feet? It was good. If you could have reached your arm out, it would have been gone. It was a good, yeah, good little small walk-in closet. Scariest moment of my life. Scariest moment of my life. Right there. I'm sorry I missed that one. That sounds like a good time. Otherwise, I was occupied. Occupado. All right. Yeah, you were occupado. All right, well, speaking of deplorable human beings who are putting other people at risk to save themselves, Conor McGregor. Drop another 12. So he was supposed to get into, I guess it was like a fake fist fight with the Miami Heat mascot, Bernie, during Game 4 of the NBA Finals, which Nuggets thought was bad-ass. What did they call the Heat mascot, Bernie? Bernie. Oh, okay, because he's a fire. They used to call him Flamer, but apparently that's not PC anymore. Flamer, and in Miami, too. Hi, Flamer. Flamer, Miami Heat mascot. Oh, don't go to South Beach. They changed it to Bernie because that's more PC. People were offended at Flamer. Way more woke. But apparently they were supposed to be getting into, I guess it was supposed to be like a fake fist fight where Conor McGregor went a little too... He's got some new product where you spray it on yourself and it heals you or makes the pain go away. Oh, okay. So he was supposed to punch the guy and then spray him, which he does. If you watch the video, he does spray him, but the dude's actually knocked out. Yeah, he knocked him the fuck out first. He went a little too... Threw the whole mascot uniform at him. He knocked him out. And Conor McGregor, he's laying on the ground. And he hits him again. He hits him again while he's laying on the ground. And it's Conor McGregor, so yeah, you're going to... Either the dude, I don't even know, either Conor didn't like hold back, and it wasn't like, I don't think he was really trying to do this. So he either didn't hold back, you know, how you train and spar, you have a certain... You have a certain way you kind of hit. I mean, it's McGregor. Or the mascot dude was just not even ready because, you know, you got that awkward chick going on. The lights were on, there was people around, so he just went straight into, I'm sure, like, UFC mode, you know? So you think he just snapped in that moment? He was not thinking. He went to the hospital. Problem number 12! Problem number 12! Bernie found a very ideal time to, like, yeah, let's make some money. That could be true, too. He took a fall? Yeah, because I hear, like, he went straight to the ER. He did, he went to the ER. So that ain't just, like, getting knocked out. That's, like, a problem. Yeah, Bernie's trying to get paid, is what it sounds like. Well, I'd like to see the inside of the, I mean, if we're going to open a court case here, I'd like to see the inside of the suit. Yeah, that's what I want to know. I want to know how, like, how much off-guard you got to be or how awkward it is in there to even be set to know when the timing's on. Well, a lot of the times in this situation, it's not getting hit in the face that causes the problem. It's when your head then fucking smacks off the ground that you get concussed. So he could have been, like, hit him in the chest. He didn't want to be hit in the face. I'm just saying, you get punched in the jaw, it's a bad situation. You smack the back of your head on the ground like that, like a hardwood floor, it's a way worse situation for your brain. Especially on a basketball court. No, it's hard. It's wood. I've been there. It's made of wood, like hardwood. They call them hardwood floors, I'm pretty sure. Probably concrete underneath. Basically, we don't want to get proper number 12. If I'm getting paid, I'll get proper. Because you don't want to fucking, that'd be too much ginger going on, you versus Conor McGregor. That's a lot of fucking... That's a lot of... Bernie would need to step aside. The fucking flames would be burning hot in that battle. Yeah, those boys would be, like, burning that goddamn clear coat off that basketball court. Fucking do the carpets match the drapes battle. Conor McGregor versus Dr. Jug. I don't think I'd last very long in that place. My understanding is you don't last very long. And also, is that the same game? Do the Nuggets turn around and end up taking the final? No, they had to win one more. One more after that? Yeah, it was game four. They wrapped it up in game five. I thought they were going to sweep them. It was the gentlemen's sweep. They let them have the one. And they almost did. Like, they kind of collapsed. No, they did. They let them have the one. It was the gentlemen's sweep. It was very polite. I feel like, you know, Jokic, Michael Porter, they're gentlemen. They're good guys. Not that dickhead from Kansas. I don't know why we're talking about Michael Porter when he averaged, like, four points for the whole series. He was a good rebounder, defender, and decoy. He did his job. They won, didn't they? We should look up his field goal percentage. You should look your mom's field goal percentage up, okay? All right, so we're falling behind the Japanese again. Should not be any surprise to anybody. We've got vending machines for sodas and chips and fucking candy bars. Vending machines for condoms. Apparently, there's, like, marijuana vending machines in certain constituencies across the country. We've got nothing on the Japanese. They have actually had the first vending machine in the world to purchase bear meat, and I've got to get you some. I've never even known that you can get bear meat. I've had bison. Well, I didn't even know that you can't eat men. You can't eat bear meat? Not as bad for their ovaries. I've never heard of that as an option, though. You know, you hear all the weird meats. I've actually never heard bear. Speaking of vending machines, I have some friends out in Vegas right now for the World Series of Poker. They said that they went to a vending machine where they ordered a pizza, and the vending machine cooked the pizza. What the fuck? And then it shot the pizza right out there? Like a little personal pan? I mean, I didn't get a picture or anything. Oh, my God, you've got to get more information than that. I just thought it was crazy. Like a microwaveable pizza, that's impressive. But if it's a full-ass pizza? I think they, like, baked that pizza. The entire system at the beginning is something that's putting the pizza into the oven and just makes its way through and then slots on down to where you are. So the vending machine's got to be deep. They're walled. It's, like, preloaded. It has to be. You got, like, already made up. They're already made. It's not like they're putting everything together and making the pizza. It's like shooting out a premade DiGiorno. You'll be like, ooh, I want a pepperoni and sausage. And it just pushes out the DiGiorno and then heats it up on its way to you. Okay, it's basically what I pictured. Oh, did you find it? It's a lengthy vending machine that's popping out a little 9-inch pizza for you. So, I mean, it's still a proper pizza, but, yeah, it definitely looks 4-piece. Yeah, it definitely looks premade. Isn't that crazy, though? No, that's fucking pretty damn cool. It's not as cool as bear meat, though. Yeah, I would do the bear meat over that. Look, Japan, here's what we got going on in Japan. Listen, it's not just bear meat, either, because they've got whale meat, nails in a can, which sounds amazing, and edible insects, which I haven't ventured down that road, but with my high cholesterol, I may need to soon, like crickets or grasshoppers. I guess they're just going to be like a cracker, kind of, I don't know, or some kind of a crunchy thing. Is this something you'll cook, or is it like raw bear meat that you take home? No, it's giving you cuts of bear meat. You've got sirloin, take it home. You've got fucking flank steak, take it home. Like you're going to the meat market. You're going to the meat market, but it's vending machine style, which, I've been to Japan, and that's not abnormal. I mean, is there a lot of bears in Japan? That, to me, is intriguing. Actually, Asiatic black bears are classed as internationally vulnerable, so they are not putting a shitload of these vending machines out there, but there are some out there. It's a protected animal, but when they aren't protecting it, they're putting it in vending machines. It's like a bald eagle vending machine. For sure, yeah. You want a bald eagle breast? Take that, you bald bastard. And in London, they have shoe vending machines. They have what? That's because Londoners are still wearing like... You walk around in here and travel around and flip flops and 80-buck bikinis and some tennis shoes. No, it's not tennis shoes. There's like a cobbler in the back, and he's like nailing it together, putting the heel and the leather and everything on there. They're tiny little men. They're small guys. Mashed potato vending machine? That sounds like that would be something that you'd find in New Orleans. Cabbage. Yeah, when you get coffee from a vending machine. I'm going to judge you all. White or brown gravy? Brown. We're good. Brown gravy. Well, white gravy on biscuits and gravy. It's brown gravy on meatloaf and everything else is white gravy. I don't really like brown gravy at all on anything. Well, I'm glad I'm not junk. I'm glad I'm not junk. I don't know. It's gross. I'm getting white gravy every time. It's the ultimate power. Okay, calm down on that. I'm going to have to edit out a little bit of that supremacy in there. I'm talking about gravy. He is a fan of the white power gravy. It's fine. Is that the pre-gravy or the after-gravy gravy? It's the pre-gravy gravy. It's stringy and thin. Pre-gravy. What's a good idea for something else than a vending machine? I was thinking about this the other day. I would like a pancake vending machine or a waffle vending machine. I'm picturing what you would get at a Best Western. They've got the continental breakfast and you make your own waffles. Some of that stuff is so delicious and good to where I feel like a vending machine is going to jack it up for me and ruin it for me. If they can find a way to automate the Best Western thick-ass waffle maker Yeah, yeah. It's got to be legit. I think also the money maker is it's got to be visually there. Right, Junk? You won't play Star Wars Combine because it's not visually there. No immediate satisfaction. It's kind of the same if we're going to do vending machines like this. Is it just going to be a little picture of pancakes? We push the button and we're like, yay! And then the pancakes come out? No, I want to see what's going on. It's like you've got the glass wall and you're like, there it is. Oh, shit! That's what's going on? That's a fantastic idea. I was thinking about what if we put a whore in a vending machine? Amsterdam probably would. And if they don't, we could market there. It won't work here. We'd get burned out. It's just like a mouth or a butthole and you just go to town? I'm not trying to fuck the vending machine. It's an organic, it's a real person's butthole. I would think there would be women and you would be like, oh, I want A4. Oh, I think that legitimately is already as Amsterdam. That is the red light district in Amsterdam. You say which window you want to purchase Have you been there? I've read enough. It's all about research. Have you ever researched something This one gets picked all the time so she is $80 and this one never gets picked, so she's $10. I'm sure that's the case. There's going to be a higher demand, higher price. So you're saying on our vending machines we would also have a Yelp rating system deal? They'd be like, if you're going to pick this, do you want slot A, C, A3? That's got only a 4.3 out of 5. We want E6 and that's like a 1.6 out of 5. But then again, I don't know, do we need to do a cheaper one because I won't have to use my scroll guard because no one is picking it. So then we'd have to even lower the price because the rating is bad? It's kind of like your Uber Eats. So the red light district in Amsterdam prices for prostitution can differ as the sex workers are free to set their own prices. For quicker prostitution, prices range between 50 and 100 euros. Duration is usually 15 to 30 minutes or less. Can I get that converted into American dollars, please? Just curious. Looking at about... She's doing mental calculations right now. I know, which is fucking me up. Wow. Euro is higher than a dollar. It's like 14 to 29 dollars. What was the prices? It's 29 dollars to fuck a woman in Amsterdam? 50 to 100, so probably about 80 to 150. If it's only 50 bucks, I don't want it. I don't want it. Does everyone have to wear a scroll guard? Well, the other thing is, what do we do with the extra 13 minutes when I'm done? Talk to her. That's weird. Break her hair? Some guitar hero. You can play guitar hero. You can break her beard. I didn't get paid for that. That's an extra two dollars. Soldier boy. All right, and finally, I'm not really sure why we're wrapping up with this one, because it's kind of a sad story, but apparently, instead of burying your dead pet, your loved one... Hey, this is Junk's idea. When they pass, or having them put to sleep and cremated, or taken a little bit of... You can just liquefy them and have them put into a fucking, I don't know, smoothie. What are you doing with them? Junk? Doctor, please, fill in the information, please. It just says that you can liquefy them, and that there's an option to where you can keep their skeleton. Oh, so you would liquefy the meat, and they keep the skeleton? Well, that's wholesome. I was waiting for this. Could we not do this for human beings, then? What do you guys, could keep my skeleton? Like, if I die... Well, you're definitely going to be the one that goes first. What are we going to do with the soup, though? You know what I mean? All right, we're going to put it in a vending machine. First thought, right off the bat, my gut, my immediate gut reaction, I'm getting a nutrient-rich soup. I'm fertilizing with that shit. There, see? There we go. Why do we even have to soup it? Why can't we just have him die, cut up the meat pieces, and sell it to people to eat? No, like a junk vending machine. You could also take the soup and freeze it and make popsicles. For what? For who? Us. I don't know. For your son? For the, uh, what was that group called in Walking Dead? You realize that somewhere in the world there's someone, and in their house they just have skeletons of animals everywhere. Yes, because they've been doing this. Yes, but they've been doing it on their own. But they've been doing. That was very Italian. But they've been doing. I'm definitely going to have a carrot of capsaicin save that group. I'm almost done with my drink. That was good, that was good. That was real good. That rolled perfectly. Sipping that scotch over there. But anyway, it might be cool if when you guys all hung out and when you came down here, I was just over there. Your skeleton? Yes, my skeleton. Do we have to fight over this? Like this, like I'm hugging you? I'm totally fine with that, but who do we have to fight for your skeleton? I mean, I'll put it in my will. Okay, just give it over to us? Share custody? It's called aquification. Yes, we're going to aquify your soft tissues and then we're going to keep your skeleton for hugs. So the soft tissues we're going to put in our yard. We're going to aquify junk. So you're just going to go basically in the garden. Yeah, you can put me in your backyard. The yard probably, I've got areas in the yard that may need you. Actually, I'm just going to clarify. I do not want this at all. You're supposed to be alive when you get aquified. I don't want this at all because at some point when someone figures out how to bring people back I want to be in my coffin so you can bring them back. Because eventually they're going to figure it out and I'll be able to come back. I mean, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, but I thought you've got to freeze your god damn body. Dude, that's a great movie idea. Jurassic Park, but with people. Wasn't that just Pet Sematary? I think that's pets, right? I don't know. No, the little boy got killed by a car and came back in Pet Sematary. Is that right? I can't, man. So the robots are the ones that are alive. Humans are gone. They bring human DNA back. And all the robots are talking to each other like, don't do it! Don't do it! Three movies of why this isn't a good idea. And they're able to communicate with coms to the other planets and the aliens to be like, hey, do you guys like weird butt stuff We've got folks over here you can do it to. We're trademarking this episode. Yeah, right. We've got the orifices and the organs and all that weird shit you guys like to touch the finger. We have it over here. I know James Cameron and Scorsese listen to this. These are our ideas, okay? Yeah, Michael Crichton, Steven Spielberg. Yeah, just hit up the email. Yeah, you can email us and we'll work something out. We can sell the rights, definitely. I'm thinking $20 billion. We can easily work a deal. Yeah, we'll get $10 billion. We don't need to crunch the numbers right now, boys. But we can easily negotiate. We'll write it on a napkin. Alright, we've got dead bodies. We've got live bodies. Junk's getting fear number 7149 instilled right now, I think. But we're going to go back to fear 1222. Which is actually being buried alive. And it almost just went down in Ecuador here recently. A family had gathered for the funeral of retired nurse Bella Montoya. When they heard strange noises coming from the coffin and it turns out, that's right, she was fucking alive. I do want to say... Once again, how are they doing this? How are they doing this to people without... We've had two or three of these stories, right? You know there's at least a couple instances out there where the person was already in the ground before they woke up. Oh yeah, and you never hear about this. Right, we never hear about it. Can you imagine the whole Kill Bill movie? You had like a panic attack. I don't like any of that either. I want to be cremated, but before I'm cremated I want to be denatured for a few days. You know, make sure. I'm sure there's countries that don't embalm. Yeah, there's probably countries where they don't do that. Yeah, because that's where you know. That's where you're going to know. If they start draining your blood. You start to realize, they're actually not dead. Oh, so I guess this couldn't happen to me. You fixed one of my irrational fears. Cross it off the list. Well, as long as you don't somehow end up in another country and do that. I do plan to move to Ecuador. Okay, yeah, good idea. Get away from Ecuador. And the equator in general. Don't let junk move anywhere. Junk stays put. Okay, you're good. You're good to go. I think we can cross it off the list. Okay, here's what's wild though. Okay, while Ecuador is kind of a mid-tier country as far as like wealth goes. It's healthcare system is actually in the top 50 for efficiency across the globe. So it's not like. It's not like you're just willy-nillying anyway. This could happen. This could happen in plenty of places. Yeah, if they're there. Finland or Norway too. So there's plenty. I mean, how many countries you got in the world now? I have to ask my boy, but he's not here. So I don't know. Old bleep, bleep, bleep. He would know. He would know for sure, yeah. Actually, there are safety coffins that are attached to bells. Ring a bell? Yeah, you ring a bell. And there used to be bells in the graveyard. So if you heard a bell ring. Back in the day. I need to put in my will that I get a safety bell. You want a fucking safety bell. That's where the thing by the bell comes from. No way. No way. This comes from the fucking show starring Mark Paul Goffler. We all know that. And we all know when the class is getting intense. And like, next thing you know. Yes, we get out of this class. Because we were about to get real dramatic in here. It's alright, because I'm saved by the bell. Due to the side effects of diseases such as cholera and malaria, newspapers were filled with accounts of prematurely buried individuals subsequently dying in unimaginable traumatic ways. But guess what? They weren't dead. Oh, Lord. Yeah, that sucks, man. I would have made my drink for it. That would be not good. No, like Junk said, that scene in Kill Bill. I hate that. I don't watch that scene. They shot it so well to where you're like, oof. 16-9. And it's all horizontal. Completely black. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No. She never would have been able to dig out of that either. She would have swum her way out of that. That's crazy. Yeah, because once you break the box, then you have to Dirt's always coming in and you're just dying. But you gotta think about it. If you bring it in and you've got all that room in there. I don't think that's gonna work. We should try this. This is Handcuffs. Tie our feet and everything too. Make it a little more extreme. We gotta do a little prolonged close-up on the feet being tied. Yeah, we could do a Mythbusters about this. Big ol' backyard back here. We could start digging. It's because of the animals. Animals aren't gonna dig up your smell. It's further away from that. Witchcraft. They come and eat your deer. Mama Foxtail has an What is it? Is there another reason for 6 feet? So you couldn't come back? You're a zombie? You can't come back? Like a patient next to the plague coming back? So you just can't dig yourself out? Too much dirt on top. We just had tons and tons and millions of zombies underground that just can't get out. It also alludes to the traditional death of a grave, but approximately the same as the length of a coffin. So you can just stand the coffin up? It's 6 feet deep. That means I gotta curl up in a ball when they bury me? I gotta fuckin' get short? What about all the dead little kids? Are they only buried 3 feet deep? We were having fun, and now we're not. I was just asking a question. I didn't know if you buried them as the same amount as their coffin was. I think that's gonna do it for this week, folks. Thanks for coming in. Before we go, any parting words of wisdom for the listeners out there? Call Troy. I got one. Mr. Vernon Foxtail, what do you got for us today? Nothing super awesome. Just slightly disappointed. I was gonna try to change up my buy-and-smoke game to, not Colorado, but back home here in Missouri. It's a little pricey still around here. It's brand new. I know everybody's scared. Y'all don't need to be scared of dabs. They ain't gonna kill you. You can go to work on those. You won't smell like weed. Some of y'all still gotta go to jobs that they don't like marijuana. It's pretty high, though. I think that's why most people don't do it for work. You don't still wanna smell like it. You don't wanna go to work smelling like a campfire of weed. Dr. Junk, do you have anything Well, I'm sorry to do this. We're gonna have to bring this down and get serious. Here we go. Ah, fuck. Here we go. This is where I'm stuck editing last episode. So, a serious moment. I had to recently go into rehab. And I got out. But just so everyone knows, I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around. My God, that was so hard. Oh, man. I can't even do mine anymore. Alright, so a little historical fact and a little bit of information about the world that we live in today versus ancient times. So, did you guys know that the average width between railroad ties or railroad tracks in the United States is four feet, eight and a half inches? If you guys knew that. Do you know why it's four feet, eight and a half inches? The size of a coffin, right? So, in Roman times, when the Romans were out conquering Europe and going around the war chariots, you know, that you see in movies like Spartacus and shit like that their wheels were four feet, eight and a half inches wide. That's how far apart they were separated. So they would put gouges, like in the roads, and then they would drive across them. So if you wanted to travel on those roads comfortably, you'd have to make your wheels four feet, eight and a half inches. And that shit carried on from ancient Roman times to today. So, be careful what you do because you don't know what kind of butterfly effect is going to happen thousands of years down the road. Lingering. I thought this was going to turn into some kind of joke. Absolutely not. This is a fucking little historical tidbit. Let's see if you've got facts to end this with here. Is anyone still awake out there? Thanks for joining. Alright, thanks for coming in. Thanks for stopping by. Everybody have a great week and we will catch you next time. Later.