Season 2 episode2 Loneliness

The podcast host, Dave Brophy, discusses the topic of loneliness and its connection to childhood trauma. He shares his personal experience with loneliness and explains that it is often rooted in childhood post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He emphasizes that he is not a therapist or psychologist, but is speaking from his own experiences. He also mentions a questionnaire that can help identify if someone has suffered from childhood trauma. Brophy explains that issues such as depression, weight problems, addiction, anger, trust, and relationship issues can all stem from a lack of nurturing in childhood. He emphasizes that this discussion is not about blame or guilt, but about understanding and healing. He encourages listeners to take steps towards healing and self-love, and to let go of blame and guilt. He also discusses the importance of forgiveness and compassion towards oneself and others. Brophy shares his own personal journey of healing and suggests that writing and expressing o So, welcome to another episode of the Simply Talking Podcast. I'm your host Dave Brophy. And before we get on with the episode, I'd just like to ask if you would like, follow, and indeed recommend, share the podcast to your friends and family. It really, really helps a lot. Thank you. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Simply Talking Podcast. This podcast for all things spiritual and beyond. I'm your host Dave Brophy. And this week I'd like to talk about a topic that it seems at the start to be, you know, very small, but basically it's a very complex and in-depth discussion or talk. It's about, the topic or the word at least was I wanted to talk about was loneliness. Loneliness is something I'm very familiar with, having suffered with most of my life. But what I didn't realise is that where the whole, that feeling of loneliness kind of springs from, which is actually childhood trauma. And it's called a complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or in my case, I like to call it childhood post-trauma stress disorder. I'm not a therapist, I just get this out of the way, and I'm not a psychologist or anything like that. I'm just a person. I have got hay hay rake and stuff like that. But most of all, I'm talking about my particular, commenting on my particular life, my particular experience and how these things affect me. It may, if that happens, just affect you in the same way. And maybe what I'm saying and what I'm speaking about may resonate with you on some level or another. And maybe then you too could take steps to try and heal and learn to become more at ease and love yourself in the way that we all should and hopefully bring in happiness into your life. And particularly about being who you are and what you are and understanding of why you behave the way you did and get rid of that, maybe that guilt and so forth that can plague us throughout our lives. And it's also my dearest wish that you're a lot younger than me when you're listening to this and therefore you can take corrective measures at the moment to kind of, you know, heal from whatever the effects of this may have been. Because I think personally, from what I know and from what I've experienced and I've done it would affect most people. I was shocked to see because a lot of the things described, I'd done a questionnaire basically that was provided, which I would provide free to a PDF that you could just go through with 20 questions. And you can see from answering those questions, just yes or no, if in fact you suffer from post trauma disorder or stress disorder from childhood events and maybe beyond. And by childhood, I mean, we're going to talk about up to maybe adulthood when we're 21 or whatever. But basically, those 20 questions will help you understand that and then you can identify with a lot of the stuff that's in it. But some of the things that's included would be depression, weight issues, addiction, evolved descriptions, any type of anger issues, relationship issues, trust issues and so forth. All these issues, I was shocked to find out that so much stems from this lack of nurturing, basically what it is as a child. When you're not born into a proper, wholesome, nurturing environment. And this also is not about blame or guilt or pointing the finger at anybody. At the end of the day, we are all just people trying to do the best we can in the environment into which we are put at birth and how we then are subsequently influenced by that environment, good, bad or indifferent, and how that then influences our behaviours in the future, in which we may then in turn, without knowing, actually cause another link in the chain of abuse. And we're just going to cover the whole thing by abuse. It can be physical abuse, it can be verbal abuse, it can be emotional abuse, it can be sexual abuse. It's all abuse. It all has an effect and it's cause and effect basically. That's what I'm speaking of here. And we're just going to go to cause and effect because it's less of a mouthful for me to have to say that because I have to keep thinking of the post-traumatic stress syndrome thing. And we're used to that and that kind of a lot of the times we think of, you know, people who have been through wars and tragic events and stuff like that and the effect that that is very traumatic and stuff. Of course it is. But we're just dealing with this particular issue as to why we act and behave the way we do. I've often found myself, and maybe you have too, in where you're speaking to somebody or either and they express an opinion or they say something and it's a trigger. And we react angrily, we get offended, we get upset and we act angrily towards that person. And the situation can escalate of all proportion to what this, when we think back on it, we'd see it was just an overreaction on your part to what was possibly a perfectly innocent comment or whatever, but a person totally unknown, they're not to know it's a trigger, that's going to trigger anything. And you don't know it's going to trigger anything. Most of the time we just respond. And this is where the whole healing process will start to come in because you will be able to realise, hopefully, that this is the triggers. And it is actually people in most cases are the triggers because it's the cause. And on some deep subconscious level, you are aware of that fact, even though, you know, in my particular case, it started possibly around four months old, which didn't have language. I don't have any memories of anything that may have been and you don't need to have the memories, it's subconscious. It's there in your neurological disorders, where it is, it's programmed in. So we can have all these different issues, including weight issues. And I was shocked when I went through the list of 20 questions, I was, it ticked every one of the boxes. And I didn't realise, I knew I had certain issues, if things that have affected me all my life, I've had depression, I've had, as I said, loneliness, and I was just thinking, well, maybe I'm just simply an asshole and people just don't want to be around me. And well, that can be the case, it still can be the case, but it's not always the case. It can be just simply, well, maybe you're an asshole, because you have reasons, and you don't realise you do have and you're acting that way, whatever. I know one of the criticisms of me has always been you don't smile enough. Well, I'm fairly sorry, but it's not my job in life to go around making anyone's day particularly great by just going around smiling like a clown all day long. If I have a reason to smile, I will smile. If I have a reason to laugh, I will laugh. And I'm just like everyone else. But it's just the criticism people come. So it's not necessarily as tedious as that or as simple as that. It's a deep rooted thing that you have, you feel excluded. And as I say, loneliness is not actually a choice. It's a state of mind basically. And as I said, it's throwback is to childhood, if you may be totally unaware of the cause of this trauma. But the point is, that's what it is. And as I said, it's affected other issues to do with stuff. But the important part to remember here, this is about healing, forgiveness, compassion and understanding. At the end of the day, each and every one of us is only a person. In my particular case, I can go back to the two people that I had, particularly, they have the trauma, induced the trauma in me without unknowingly. And one was a stepmother and the other was my actual biological father, because I did have another kind of stepfather. But anyway, the biological father and the stepmother. And what I realized is that both of those had a partner, a father in particular, in both cases as it happened. My stepmother, who died in his thirties, leaving a big family and a wife at times when things were very hard and very difficult, but mainly even if they had a pension, if they were lucky. And then my father as well, his father died as well and his mother was left with a big family, a small pension and some of the children. And of course, there's still people, they still get into relationships. The life doesn't start when you become a mother or father. You don't stop having feelings. You don't stop having a life or wanting to. You still have dreams. You still have all that thing we often forget about, pardons, that are still people. So they had issues as well to do with that. And that could have had deep trauma on them. And obviously in that situation, in particular, I think of a stepmother when her mother was actually having to go out and work most of the day doing cleaning in order to make ends meet and put bread on the table. But she obviously couldn't be there being nurturing and loving to her children. And for a great deal of that time, they were looking after each other, your children looking after each other, which is not an ideal situation because they don't know, you know, if they've issues of their own or whatever, they're just going to give that trauma without knowing doing it, don't do it deliberately, not even aware that they're actually doing it. Nobody's that sophisticated or that early in their life to know that they're deliberately doing this. It's not something deliberate. So we need to understand that and understand the people and that they're only just people and stop this blame game as well. And then the other thing you need to stop to is the guilt where we responded as well. It doesn't mean that we don't deal with what we do. We can't just accept it and say, it's OK, the hell with it, it's not my fault, so we'll continue. No, you need to change it. You become aware that you need to change it. That's a big no-no. And I'll explain that at another time. But in their particular cases, their father's doing it, so obviously in both cases, the nurturing couldn't be there for obvious reasons. I don't know, in my father's case as well, like I said, his mother struggled. She had to kind of work on a big family. So you're not going to get the individual kind of nurturing and stuff that actually it seems that a child requires. And as I said, it's just my, I just summarised that in the sense that to explain, to help me understand the immaturity of my stepmother in terms of the relationship which she had. I'll talk, I'll come to that later on and maybe discuss that a bit more. But what I'm really thinking about here is the whole thing of cause and effect. And as I said, everything has a cause and it has an effect. And in my particular case, when I was four months old, I was taken out of my family environment suddenly. My mother eloped with her lover, who was my actual biological father. And so therefore I was moved around a bit. So I was in a totally different environment. Subsequently, my mother's health issues prevented her from being in a position to look after me. I was given to a grandparent who I don't know, I don't know whether I did know or had met before, or would it have been just briefly. And I was taken out of another environment where I was with my mother and poor her. Of course, they're totally unaware of the effect this has on the child. As far as they're doing the right thing, as far as they're concerned, they're giving this to somebody to look after who's used to looking after children. So I was given to the paternal grandmother and I stayed with her for a while. And it was just totally out of the blue. She was just saying, my father just actually walked, here you are, this is my son, see you later. And that was it. So she had to kind of find out from there. But anyway, and that bond, obviously, you know, she spent her life looking after children. And I don't know, maybe she just, I don't know what the issue was. But basically, I can't say whether it was good or bad. I don't have any bad memories of I just remember being a fairly loving person as well. And obviously, the damage had already been done. But anyway, to get back on, I was then taken from there. I was with her. And, subject to criticality, my mother died. So that was something else that happened. Then I was with the grandmother, she died not too long after that. And then I was taken out of my family environment again. And I was given out to other family members who were total strangers, because I do remember that incident of going there. And I was there with them for a certain amount of time, a few months or whatever. I settled in there, was about to go to school, was part of the family, etc. Two good people. I was made, you know, I was treated the same as anyone else. And as far as I was aware, if there was anything I didn't notice. And then I was suddenly, for whatever reason, just taken out of that environment. I was suddenly taken over there, brought back to another house where I had been, my grandmother's home, and to a total stranger there, which turned out to be my stepmother. Now, she had issues of her own, subsequent, that came to the fore subsequently. And basically the issue was, which I can perfectly understand to some degree, is that she found out that my father still had feelings towards my mother, who had died. And that kind of, she wasn't mature enough to deal with that, basically. And it became an issue and a focus to me, who was, she was my mother, obviously her rival, and therefore she focused her emotional stuff on me, and dislike of me. And also then, I was only reminded recently, during that basic forced introduction, because she was still working, as long as they were kind enough to get money to get in, he was working, I was actually locked in a bedroom all day for, I don't know, it could have been a week, two weeks, I can't say, I don't remember the time, but I know I was there for a while. And that again, as I said, was reinforcing the abandonment, the feeling of abandonment, not belonging and not wanted and stuff like that. Because this was all happening subconsciously. And as you can see, then, it did have, it does have an effect, and it did. And I never knew for most of my life, the whole idea of abandonment or cause and effect. So I was just like everyone else, plundering through life, stumbling through life, I should say, as best I could, making the best of whatever situation I kind of found myself in. And I'm not saying I wasn't, I was fed and watered, so to speak, as they say. But was lacking for one reason or another, it doesn't matter why, it was the nurturing and the type of void I wanted to be, I needed to be in. And as I said, this is very much where a lot of people, it's really just a potluck whether you happen to find yourself with good pardons, with no issues, and that chain of abuse is not there. But it was like I said, was there, then of course, there was a physical abuse as well as a verbal abuse and emotional abuse that also went on there again with, not just for me, I'm sure, but anyway, I can only speak for me. But anyway, that all was subsequently had an effect in the long term on me and my behaviour and how I felt about myself and my whole idea of not feeling worthy, not belonging and excluded and stuff. And it all stems from that as childhood. And that is the fascinating thing, how much my life, and I'm just saddened that at 66 years of age, I come to discover that this, and how I can possibly start to work on healing this in the kind of highlight of my life, so to speak. I mean, most people consider 66 as young, but maybe it is, maybe I lived for another 20 years and I'm really lucky. But the point is that most of my life was extremely unhappy. And it was unhappy for a reason and reasons that I was unaware of. So this talk, this show, this episode is particularly, it's about healing and self love and learning to love yourself and realisation that maybe what you enact and behave the way you do doesn't mean you're a terrible person, that you don't have to hate yourself anymore, that you don't have to feel guilty anymore. You know, you can dispense with the blame game that these are just circumstances that happen to be in. And it explains a lot of how we behave and how our situation is with relationships at the moment and how we may be attracted. Because familiarity is very much a part, as I said, we're pre-programmed to want to be in a familiar environment because we're used to coping with that. And we think that's the norm. And therefore we kind of unknowingly put ourselves in that same situation again by being with people, toxic people as well as it can be. And again, I emphasise that these people have issues themselves that they might be unaware of. So there's no point in hating or blaming. It's about forgiveness for compassion. And you forgive for your sake as much as anyone else's. You have to have that compassion. And the big healing part of this is how do you go about doing the healing? Well, unbeknownst to me, many, many years ago, my healing started in a way that I totally, at the time and since, was unaware of, in that I wrote a poem. And the poem was giving vent to that inner child who had been abused so much as a child. And it doesn't matter whether people think, oh, well, that wasn't that bad. You weren't in that situation. And so it's not up to you to say it's up to that person. And if that's you, you're the only one that knows how you felt and how it impacted on you. And no one else can criticise it and say, I know it couldn't have been that bad. It's not their place. They went at the receiving end of it. So they don't know. So they just keep out. But the point is that as a child, this inner child who keep popping up throughout my life and people talk, but they don't really have enough to explain exactly what they mean when they talk about inner child. But the inner child who is abused and neglected and so forth as a child in situations comes out of the fence and pops up and you respond to a situation that you're not going to, why you behave, it doesn't warrant that type of overt reaction. And my first hint at that was a fact many years ago, I did actually get to talk to briefly when I was in hospital to a psychiatrist. Basically, it was a suggestion, one of the first sisters in the war because I'd been in hospital for the best part, four months at the time, I was in total of six months. And I was being kind of brought to have certain procedures done and then it'd be cancelled because there'd be one thing or another in the operating theatre so it wasn't available. And a patient as I could be, eventually after weeks of this continuously going on, I just got into a piss out one day about it. And because it wasn't my usual mood, they got a bit kind of worried and actually persuaded me to talk to a psychiatrist who was one of the residents of the hospital. But anyway, long story short, just because I was in a mood, it was just ridiculous when you think about it. And we all have our off days but I wasn't allowed to for some reason. But either way, one of the things she said to me particularly struck a chord which was that when talking about anger and responding to situations because this is what this is about, don't forget, I was in a pisser and I got angry at the fact that I'd been postponed once again. And you're left and you can't eat, you can't have breakfast, you can't have anything, you're kind of left in on fasting because they could call you down to the theatre at any time so therefore you can't eat. And this has gone on and on, you're kind of, you know, you get fed up with it. So this was just a response on what the issue was about, a particular anger issue. And particularly one thing she said that kind of struck home with me was, not particularly to this issue but in general, was the fact that sometimes you're not responding to the situation but you're responding to a past trauma that you suffered, let's say in childhood. And that was the sum total, basically the consequences. But I did think about that and I said, well, yeah, that makes sense. And I think because when I talk about other times that I've actually really been overreacted to situations, and still do, that's the inner child coming out to defend itself. And so that's an important part of that. And so again, as I said, I wrote a poem which was about the inner child, giving vent to it, about the abuse, which I will include in a further episode of this podcast. And just so you know, there's two of them actually I would like to read that helped me deal with situations. The other one was Loving Mother, that one is called Dying for Love. And the other one was about my mother dying, which is called Loving Mother. And they're two really healing poems for me, at least they were. And this is the part I'm coming to now, which is basically a way of kind of dealing with that or helping to deal with that particular trauma and stuff and getting a kind of visual on it in the sense of doing a journal, which is something I subsequently done after the poetry and stuff, but I started to do journaling. And I found it fairly helpful to get my thoughts and stuff down. Now, I wasn't strictly doing it in a way to any guidance at all, I was just writing about anything and everything and how I felt, but it seemed to work anyway, to some degree. I've yet to reach the perfection we all so desire. But anyway, I found the journaling fairly helpful. And this is another thing that's recommended to deal with this, the effects of this trauma events that we've had in childhood is to do journaling, talk about your fears and stuff that you can, you know, and how you're in situations so you can deal with them and get a thing on them. And it's not electronic journal, they don't work, I've tried them. They're okay if you're just recording the day to day, mundane stuff or whatever's going on, or just thoughts in general. But the real deep down stuff that you need to deal with trauma is needed to be done in written form with a pen on paper, because that connection with the paper that allows you to have that more intimacy, which are what you're writing down and get that connection without being broken because there's a flow that comes between, you know, your emotions, your mind and your hand, your body, you know, writing, the physical aspect of writing. And it should be done, you know, at least once a day. There's another one called morning pages, it's similar to that. You do the first thing in the morning and it helps you get your stuff out of your system for the rest of the day. And the other thing to deal with that too is meditation, 20 minute meditation twice a day. And again, you could do the journal twice a day. I will, as I said, include on the Facebook page, until I get a webpage sorted, information where you can get, you know, do further research yourself and you can get more information on this whole traumatic stress syndrome. And particularly the one to do with childhood and stuff like that. And you could deal with different things and there'll be courses available and stuff that you may want to do and get on with the healing. But it's also recommended is meditation. Now, meditation is something I've tried. I've not been able to, I suppose a lot of people get to grips with their meditation over the years. I just, you know, 20 minutes seems like forever. I might get 10 minutes of stuff, but I've tried and tried many different ways. But this way, in this type of meditation is called mantra. And basically it's just simply repeating a word that's meaningless. And the reason it's meaningless in other words, what's meant by that is that it doesn't, there's no chain of thought going to follow from it. So you don't just go down the road of following a chain of thought. So you're kind of not meditating because the whole idea is mindfulness is to be in the here and now in the moment. But it is also to rest the mind, the monkey mind will go on a chain of thought and start thinking about anything and everything. And I've always found that very difficult to do. My mind will at some point start wandering and start following the chain of thought around. And though I understand the theory, doing it in practice is quite another thing. So what I found was with the suggestion of using this mantra, this meaningless word and the word I come up for for me, because it was that went with the length of my, when I exhale and inhale, I could say the word which was release. So as I inhaled, I would think the word release, hold it and then release to the word, well actually release, exhale. And so I would repeat that and with the concentration on the breathing aspect of it and the word as well, it helped me keep my mind off any following any chain of thoughts. Therefore, it's giving your brain a little bit of a rest, a little bit of a rest boy so that you can be in a proper mood for the rest of the day and hopefully able to deal with what it brings. But as I said, this is a process, it's a healing thing. It's not going to be something that's overnight and I'm sure there's lots of different methods, but I'm going to leave a link to a couple of people who have videos and who you might find helpful because they deal with a particular topic. And I think it's fairly an important thing to deal with as well, because if you think of society today and the amount of things that causes and trouble and issues that it causes for society today, with people that have addictions and have relationship issues and so forth and anger issues and all that above, it's 90% or 95% of what goes on and what we might call the less desirable part of society, which we're never going to get. There's going to be people about issues. But I'm just thinking of all the things in life that we do. One of the most important things we'll ever do is being a parent. And it has such a long term effect. And if we have issues, a chain of abuse, as I keep calling it a chain of abuse, unless we break that link, it's going to go on in our children and our grandchildren and so forth. And it's really then, because you're aware of it now, down to your responsibility and my responsibility to break that chain of abuse and as much as we can, is to take every effort to kind of deal with that. I hope you're lucky, as I said, to be much younger and therefore going to, as you say, help rescue a lot of your life and your relationships and so forth, family and friends and the whole lot. And you can find ways of dealing with the issues and the triggers, which are people mostly in life and allow you then also to get rid of that guilt and be self loving and to realise that unconditional love is the aim and unconditional love is something that we need to first of all practice on ourselves. And unless we can do that, we're not going to be able to do. Everyone finds externalising stuff. We always have a way of externalising everything. And we think, oh, I'm a great person. I love everybody. But not really. If you don't love yourself, if you don't love that person you see in the mirror, well, then you're not really doing the job, really. That's where you start. And that's where it ends, so to speak. Because it's not our responsibility, it's us. And OK, you may have got a bad start. But as I was saying, there are so many things we do in life, whether we want to, if we want to drive a car, we have to do, take lessons and do a test. And that affects most aspects of our life. If we want to do Reiki healing, we have to do a course and then do a kind of a test at the end of it and so forth. So anything that's considered of value and worth having doctors, you name it, there's a test involved, there's training involved, you know, and I don't see why it being a burden, which is probably of all those that I've just said, it's the most important job that anyone can do because it sets everything up for the future and what type of future other people have. And if that should be the main concentration of society is to do that so that children have as much as possible a good, nurturing, balanced, wholesome environment so that they become good, wholesome and nurturing adults who are responsible for themselves and then also make a contribution towards society. That is the aim and the way it should be. And the onus is on us. But you also think of the amount of money we save because so many people are actually in prisons for things that at the end of the day could probably be attributed to some sort of trauma of something that would happen to them as a child, be it intentional or otherwise, it doesn't matter. The point to say is not about blame or these people are bad, they're not, they're just people who've tried to do the best they could under the circumstances, totally uneducated and unaware of the fact that their behaviour has a long term influence. They may not even be aware of their behaviour is such an impact. Or maybe they do be and they feel guilty about it, but they can't stop it because you don't know what the cause and effect is. Maybe if society in general and we all concentrate on ourselves, first of all, and then concentrate on the bigger picture, which is trying to help other people all become decent parents and maybe in education, we could also include that in it and sort of have some way of allowing children that may be suffering from trauma and stuff in their life, is dealing with that early on so that they don't have to go through this as adults and have to face all these relationship issues and addiction issues and all that. I'm not saying it's going to deal with the whole lot of it, but it'll at least do a great deal for a lot of people and helping them heal and having a happy, fulfilling life and having good, fulfilling, loving relationships and not being coming to the table with issues that deep buried and that they're not aware of that already can cause them issues that they're going to have to kind of learn these issues late in life. You know, and if you are extremely unlucky, you probably went through your whole life without actually being aware of this and not being able to be your real self and love yourself basically and be happy with who and what you are and how you behave and be the person you want to be that you bury deep, that you feel unworthy of being. Because all these issues have effects. I mean, I, as I said, my parents went through as well and the simple things, because I remember overhearing my stepmother one time telling somebody who inquired, are these your children? And her response was, those two are, but he's not. It was a kind of a direct answer to a direct question and. Obviously, it was a horrible thing to hear because the child doesn't make any distinction between whether it's a biological parent or not, if you don't know about biology or whether you actually parent give birth to you, they're not aware of all that type of stuff. But then again, as I said, it's an innocent comment, but had a deep effect. I still remember all these years later. You know, I could have been only, you know, five or six at the time, whatever it was. And I still remember it still had a deep impact. So that's then because I had language and I had some understanding so I could recall, but there was obviously other events that went on subsequent to that. There was a lot of physical abuse, verbal abuse and so forth. And I just said, but these people were just immature. They hadn't got the necessary skills to deal with life. And as I said, they both had absent pardons to death. Obviously, people can't help them. But as I said, that's where the blame game is totally useless because it's circumstances, whatever it can be, it doesn't matter. The cause and effect, the law of cause and effect doesn't care. It doesn't give a shit whether you went through or your parents died or whatever the circumstances may be. It is what it is. And it applies equally without any discrimination, fear or favor to everybody in all given situations. And that's something that's very important to understand. There's no point in going down the road of blaming, pointing the finger because it doesn't accomplish anything at the end of the day. And you're just running around chasing your tail, basically. Now, I do intend to come back to this topic in a further episode because it's fairly complex, but maybe you will find and if you do the questionnaire, as I said, 20 questions and you tick all the boxes or most of the boxes or even some of the boxes, there is maybe things you need to look at. And this whole self-loathing and this lack of confidence, unworthiness, the whole not belonging, this feeling excluded. The whole thing, as I said, is not, you know, there's a long time where you might need to be have isolation for a while. You might just want to, you know, piss off somewhere for a weekend or whatever, be with yourself, go for a walk on the beach, wherever it may be. These are things that you choose. But these feelings, the psychological feeling of isolation, being excluded, I can trace back to the fact that like my family name was different and I changed family so many times and so forth. So that sense of belonging to it was wasn't there for me. I just felt excluded and I acted as if I was excluded. And I said I found ways to deal with that. And sarcasm was one of them. And, you know, excluding people and not being part of or not allowing myself to become part of something because I felt probably at some psychological level that I shouldn't be part of, that I wasn't part of. So therefore I didn't become part of. And so it can affect you on all sorts of levels as well. As I said, some people can talk to alcohol and addiction. It can be drugs. It can be food. There's loads of different ways we all deal with stuff and we don't understand why. But why do I behave and act like that? Not everyone's going to ask the question. I did. And eventually I came to understand that I had to break the chain. I had to break that chain of abuse. It was in some case for it was a little, came a little bit too late, but at least it came. And when you know better, you do better, hopefully. And you can't be expected to be this perfect parent when you didn't have a perfect example as a child when you're grown up with parenting. And you can be stressful and react in such a way because that inner child will keep coming out. And don't forget, you're talking about a child. The psychology, if I can use that word, is of a child. The reaction is of a child, an immature child that can't get a handle on their emotions. Children just react. You can be brutally honest and they can be brutal in what they say and do. And it's not of any badness on them, and though we may judge them from that way, or is a horrible little, some children are, but it's just, it's obviously in a lot of cases, it's how they've done. It's not what they, it's what they're lacking in their life, as I've tried to say already. So we come back to this topic. So if you do, don't forget and comment, like, follow and share. And we will speak about this again in a further episode. I am, as I again have guests in mind, I'm waiting on them to make themselves available. Hopefully they will soon and we can have the records, I mean, have the discussion with them. But meanwhile, I'm going to continue with this particular topic, do some more research, put as I said, links on the page so that people can follow up if they wish. And you can listen to some of the videos and so forth. But I just thought it was something we should all consider about what happened. I do plan to take this forward myself because I do plan to take it up and do some of the dealing with some of the issues myself and my own issues and healing. It's coming a bit late in life for me, but I'd rather be me for what's left than never be me at all. And be happy within myself and about myself and who I am, what I am. I don't think I can have too bad all things considered, but at the same time, it's been a process throughout my life. There's a lot of healing that has went on, but I've been totally unaware of this half the time. I mean, you do get kind of every time you go and do something with the healing aspect, you say, oh, you've still got issues, things you need to deal with without giving you any hint of what they are. So that can prolong the whole thing, but at least it's happening anyway. So I'm hoping myself that me speaking about this and there was other people to hear this that they may not have been aware of it. Maybe they can take measures that will, you know, for their might be experiencing happiness in their lives through relationships or addiction or whatever, and they can deal with that and, you know, have a more fulfilling life in the future. So I will put them on the page and people can take it from there if they wish. We will discuss it further. They can let me know their comments. They can contact me privately if you want to. We can talk about stuff. I may even have, if people want, a private room meeting on Zoom where we can all maybe, whoever those are interested, talk about the thing and get a little bit of mutual support going there where people can and help them heal. And we can take it and do it maybe, turn it into some of the course we can do, or we can have a space that people can, they need to talk about these issues and so forth. And people who have been through similar stuff and then maybe, as you say, pass it along to others in the future and we can get this thing going where we can help people, you know, heal from this type of trauma and stuff. And at the end of the day, I know where I'm going with this to a degree. I know what my book is about, what it's supposed to be about. And I'll be talking about that further to do with this topic as well. It's related to it big time. And as I said, I may even come into a course that can be done and people can be supportive as well. So, but that's all for the future. Now I'm just going to say goodbye, take care, look after yourself and until the next episode, this is me saying take care.