Nothing to say, yet
Transcription
Hello everyone and welcome to Mother of God. Mother of God. It's basically two Irish girls sitting down, chatting shit. It's a totally unique idea, no one's ever done it before. So we're really hoping this is going to shake off. I kind of had a blank face. What up, what up, what up? What up? This is AC Slayer and... Paz with a capital H. And we are coming to you from the cramped flat in London town. Because we can't afford anything bigger. Living the life of luxury. Yeah, always. So yeah, this is Mother of God. Yeah, we talk about life and those Mother of God moments. Yeah, those moments that make you go... That make you really religious. You know, when we're like totally not religious, we're basically a-religious, we're like secular. But there's moments where it's like... The only thing you can say is Jesus Christ or Holy Mother of God or... Christ on a bike. Christ on a bike, yes, exactly. I'm here for it. I don't think Jesus ever rode a bike. Let's not go down this religion. Well, I mean, think about it. When was the bike invented and when was Jesus invented? How do we know each other? How do we know each other? We go back ages, don't we? Yeah, fucking hell, it's been a long time. Oh my God, it's like... It's probably like, what, ten years now? Ten years. Started off playing hockey together. We were killer strikers. Sport stars. Sport stars. You may have seen me on the Irish Olympic team. You definitely wouldn't have seen me on the Irish Olympic team. But yeah, we played hockey together. Moved to London, lived together. Almost fell out as friends and... I don't think that's fair. I think you were very tolerant of me and my misgivings. And you? But you eventually just could not take it and had to leave. Pretty much. Five minutes down the foggy road. It's not like, even like you were like, I'm moving to Zambia. You were like, I'm literally moving next door because I can't stand to be with you. Not stand to be with you, stand to live with you. Okay, fair enough. Is that fair? Well, like... Presently we're very good friends. And it was the best decision I ever made. Because we might not be sitting here right now. We definitely wouldn't be sitting here right now if we were still roommates. Do you know what a low point of us living together was? And it was caused by neither of us, so I think it's fair game now. You never caused any problems. I only did. So we had this huge party. It was like our first or second year in London. And we just basically invited everyone and anyone we knew. Into our tiny, tiny pre-bed flat. Like, to say that... So it was described as having a kitchen and living room. And I would say that we had neither. Really? Like, we had truly neither. But we did know how to put on a party. We did know how to put on a party. Mexican themed tequila, tequila! Yeah, we threw a Mexican themed party. And so, like, the night on was just so messy. Like, several people got sick. Like, you fell over, do you remember? In the back garden, which is hilarious. Yeah, it was a long time ago now. Under Gary the gazebo, do you remember? Which we actually left up for, like, nine months after the party. And it finally came down when the beast from the east came. And, like, the weight of the snow on top of Gary's gazebo finally broke it. So we miss you, Gary. That's the beast. But, yeah, so, the party was, like, really, really messy. We had it on a Saturday night, and then on one day... I don't know where she's going with this, guys, by the way. You don't remember the story? Okay, I'll remember the story. I remember, on the Monday morning, I, like, put on a t-shirt and put on, like, jeans for work. I was, like, I was on the tube. Right. And on the northern line, so, like, dying at, like, 8 a.m. The deepest, darkest depths of the northern line. Yeah, exactly, like, in the belly of the beast. And I got, like, this smell of, like, I don't know what it was. It was just, like, a stinging in my nose. And I was, like, oh, it's probably something on the tube, because, like, you know, shit happens on the tube. It's definitely happening. And then I get to work, and I'm still getting this smell. And I'm, like, what the fuck? I'm, like, is there something in the air in London today? Like, you know, it's you. So I was, like, oh, fuck, it's me. So, like, I went into the bathroom, and I gave it, like, a proper sniff. And I finally identified the smell, and it was vomit. So the night of our party, one of my brother's friends, who will remain nameless, just because we don't... We ain't going name drop. Yeah, exactly. We ain't going name drop until we meet Beyonce. Then we go name drop. He had gotten sick in the kitchen. He had wiped it up with a tea towel and put it straight into the washing machine. Then me, on Sunday, getting ready for work, like, for the next week, put in all my work clothes with that sicky tea towel, washed it, and all of my clothes smelled like vomit. It was... It was truly a... I actually forgot that the washing machine was kind of like an extension of your cupboard. Like, that was the cupboard. Oh, my God, shots fired. Honestly, somebody's going to call St. George's because I'm going to need some medical help after all of these burns that I'm facing today. I feel like I just forgot how much shit happened in that house. Northern Line is just... The Northern Line pre-COVID is, like, a special type of health. Like, it's like... It was, like, before people could work from home, so it was just... You were sandwiched in there. Okay, this is our final story about 129, because we've got way too much content about 129, and it does take up the whole podcast. We could literally talk about it. Do you remember when... So, we lived with our friend, Katie. Wait, are you... Okay, do you think I'm going to talk about the mouse or the slug? I thought you were going to talk about Maureen, the mouse. She's a slug-jump. And her coming out of her room. She's looking like Shrek. I'm actually going to pee my pants. So, oh, my God. Did we actually... You know what? Hearing all these stories, I'm like, are we actually okay? He nicknamed a mouse Maureen, and Katie claimed he jumped over the bed. So, we said he's an Olympic long jumper. We said he was an Olympic long jumper that came from Estonia to pursue his dream of getting into the 2012 Olympics. And it didn't work out, so now he runs a dry-cleaning store. But the fact that I even have to say, are you talking about the mouse or the slug? Anyway. All right, so let's get down to business. That's all. That's our... That's our... Are you guys ready? I think you need to buckle up, because that's only the intro. That's only the beginning. Let's get serious. Let's get serious. We're not going to get that serious. Then get serious. So, Haz, I've been off the dating scene for a while now. She is almost to be wedded. I am locked down. She is locked down. I am in COVID lockdown. I ain't going nowhere. But... Dating. From what I remember of dating, it was like super fun. But the last time I properly dated was when I was like 25, 26. And I feel like the pressure's not on. But have you and Missy been together for that long? Yeah, we're fighting on a Thursday. You've got to get a ring on that. I know. I can't fucking afford one. You want to see my bank account? I'll fucking show you. Ashley's a student now. And guess who fucking paid for the sandwiches today? This girl. I'm pointing to me, obviously. All right. But also, big tip. If you're looking for a really good sandwich in Wimbledon... And we would love to be sponsored by these guys so that we could get free sandwiches for life. We'd probably be a beast if we go there every single day. That's so true. Best sandwiches in South West London is a French bakery called Chantereau. They only do fresh rolls. They come straight out of the oven. They're hot AF. And we got the salami and brie today. I actually ate mine so quickly. I could genuinely have another one. Oh my God, same. This morning I woke up and I was like, I want one of those sandwiches. My mouth was just watering. I messaged Ashley. Bear in mind, this is a Thursday. Neither of us are at work. I was like, I want to go get a sandwich at that fast sandwich shop in Wimbledon. A beast collecting the dough. Like, what are we doing? But yeah, fast food doesn't matter. Dating. I haven't dated since, you know, 2018. So I've been off since... A lot of showing. I think though, COVID as well. COVID kind of fucked everyone over. Actually, what happened for a lot of people during COVID was they were like, this girl is hella sad. And then when COVID ended, they were like, oh my God, we've got nothing in common. That happened to me. That's what happened to you with that guy, Mr. X. We shall not name him. Bless him. He's a lovely, lovely guy. But my God, I was like, things are open. He was like a 50-year-old dad. He didn't want to do anything. He was so boring. My God, he was so boring. Isn't it crazy the stuff we put up with for the ride? Like, it's like, you're like, okay, like, they're a bit like... Do you know what it was? I remember dating this girl before, Lizzie, and she wore leopard print every time we went out. A bit of leopard print here and there. I'm a fan. Look, I'm a vet student. I like animals. You wear the same thing every day. Yeah, but she had so much leopard print. I'm saying leopard print is not my vibe. It's not my style. She doesn't like the leopard. No, no. She's a cougar. Yeah, well, yeah. Needless to say, that was the last person I dated before I met Lizzie. Yeah. But yeah, what's going on? What's going on in the dating world? I don't know. I feel like the dating apps are just a bit meh. Now, guys, you can write in. You can message me if you feel differently. But they're just a bit lame now. I just want a guy to chat me up in a coffee shop. But don't you think? I would be science field delivered. I'd be like, let's go back to yours. My leg's not open. I am open for business. I am open for business. I'm joking. Listen, my sisters will be listening to this. I would not be. I'm a classy gal. Sarah and Laura. She's a very classy gal. I am. But, yeah, it's just a bit, I mean, I think also when you don't want to run a really shit date. Yeah. You're kind of like. You just start to lose, like, the will. I'm a catch. You're an absolute catch. But the thing is, what's so hard about online dating is that, like, back in our parents' day, they would meet an actual person, so let's say at a bar or a pub or something like that. And you know within 30 seconds if you are attracted to someone. This is true. Like, it's honestly, if you think. And you can't fake it. No, you can't fake. Well, you can fake some things, but you can't. You can't, like, you know what I mean? I always think people are like, oh, I'll grow to, like, you know, be attracted to you. I don't think that ever actually happens. No. And the problem with dating apps is that, like. Do you know what I mean? From beginning contact to then actually meeting them. You could have wasted, like, two fucking weeks. I know. I don't want a fucking pen pal. Yeah. That's what we should call the podcast. I don't want a fucking pen pal. But it's true. Some guys are literally like. Do you ever have a pen pal in school? I had a pen pal in school. She was French, and I spoke, like, no French. And she would write back to me in, like, French. That's pretty cute. Yeah, but, like, neither of us. Didn't chat her off. I was like, oh, I'm eight. What age are you? I didn't see her on Facebook. No, I literally probably was going to, like. She didn't know she was gay yet. I didn't know I was gay. That came later. Back to that boring guy that I dated. The reason. Mr. X. Mr. X. Bless his soul. I hope he's doing really well and he's gotten a bit more fun. I'm sure he is. I'm sure he is. I'm sure he's sitting down learning to mix. Do you know what I knew? I had to break up with him, though. My birthday was coming up, and I was like, my friends will eat him alive. Oh, my God. I was like, I don't need to, like, hold your hand and introduce everyone. You know what? I need someone who can work a room. That is the worst. And leave me be. Honestly. No, hand-holding is the worst. And it was really important to me when me and Lizzie got together. Because our group of friends, I don't know if you guys know. But we are two quite loud Irish people. I don't know if you've noticed. I don't know if you've noticed. Fighting over the mic. Yeah, really competitive. Like, crazy competitive, our whole group is. It's quite surprising that we're all friends, considering. Oh, yeah, considering that we're all bitches. No, we're not bitches, but we're just like, we're passionate. We're very passionate. And I was like, will Lizzie be able to handle it? She handled it like a trooper. Her first fucking time that she met you guys. This is, oh, I love this story. So, we've been dating for like a couple of months. And I was like, oh, you should come, like, meet my friend. So, a group of us were going to the Alex. Shout out to the Alex. Shout out to the Alex in Carrapham. Oh, we love you. Although your service is literally the slowest in London. Like, I don't know how that's possible. Because you have like ten people on staff at a time. We were watching Ireland versus France. First game of the six nations. We're huge rugby fans. And, I don't know, there was about ten of us there. Was there? No, I actually still have the image of it all unfolding. Oh, my God. So, Lizzie was like, oh, okay. Like, I'll come along. I think it was going to be very chill. Like, literally, our group had no chill. No chill at all. If our group was to Netflix and chill, it would just be Netflix. Like, we had zero chill. And she came along. And Johnny Sexton won the game in the 84th minute. So, four minutes overtime with a 40-yard drop kick. And our entire friend group lost their minds. So, by the end of our celebrations, Lizzie was covered head to toe in Guinness. Two of our friends were crying out of happiness. Like, and this was her first time meeting you guys. Like, to say it was intense, like a baptism of fire, is, like, such an understatement. And she handled it like a trooper. Handled it like a pro. She's a pro. She's a 100. I remember, like, ghosting wasn't as much of a thing the last time I was dating. But now it's, like, so prolific. And I know we have different views on this. We do have differing views on this. So, what's your take on ghosting? When is it acceptable? When is it bullshit? So, obviously, I don't think ghosting is okay. I have been ghosted myself. You have been ghosted. Yes, I have. I will admit, not for a long time. I've grown up. Yeah, that's cool. But I feel like if you are talking on a dating app, and you go on one date, you know straight away it's a no. You know they think the same. It is totally acceptable to ghost. You think? If they message you, and they say, be really nice to see you again, I would, of course, message back. Yeah. And be kind of like, listen, I wasn't really feeling it. Right, right. I didn't really want to rip your clothes off. But I don't think, like, you don't need to give them a big, long message. Be like, I'm really sorry. You draw the line at, like, so if you meet, and there's a mutual understanding that this isn't going anywhere, nothing else needs to be said. Yeah. So I draw the line a bit earlier than that. I think it's like once you start talking. I'm like, well, basically, I'm like, because girls are always falling in love with me, that's not at all true. And to me, I don't know how I got Lizzie, and I still, to this day, don't know how I got to see her. You've got to hold on to her. Yeah. But I used to draw the line, like, ghosting, I'd be like, it's okay to ghost when you're on the app, so when you haven't met in person yet. I think once you put, like, a name to the face, like, sorry, a face and a name, even, like, they become a human being. You've met them in person, you've taken up their time, the least you can do is be like, sorry, you're fugly, I never want to see you again. Obviously not saying you're fugly. But, like, you know what I mean? I just think, like, but if you did that for every single person that you went on a date, I just don't think it's necessary. I don't think it's necessary. It's a two-sentence text. It's literally like, hey, it was really nice to meet you, I don't see this going anywhere, best of luck. So, but what if they don't message you? Are you still going to send that message? Well, it's a bit different. This is what I mean. If you've gone on one date, are you telling me I get home after that date, and I message him being like, really nice to meet you, I wasn't feeling it. No, that's even worse. I'd rather be ghosted. Okay, what I should clarify is, Harriet is straight as an arrow, and I am as bent as a free kick from David Beckham. Like, I bend it like Beckham over here. God, what a great film. Oh, my God, best film ever. You knew I liked him, Jess! You know when they're dancing in the club? That's the part. Jonathan Rees-Mogg dancing in a club in Berlin. Or was it Berlin? Yeah, it was. Or, like, hamburgers in Berlin. I just really care about that club scene where she's got that backless top. I was like, she is a boss ass bitch. Oh, my God, I cannot think of anything more embarrassing than that halter top. Like, to say it is early noughties, like, it absolutely nails early noughties. Completely such a great film. Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes! Juicy, juicy mangoes. Juicy, juicy mangoes. Is it not just the worst when you arrive at a date and literally, I'm saying, you don't even need to hear them open their mouth. You just see them straight away. And it's not in a bad way, it's just you don't have that instant attraction. And you're just like, oh, God, now I need to sit here for an hour and a half. It's literally the worst thing ever. Like, you know so quickly, like, I can't tell you how many dates, how much money I've spent. Like, just getting to know each other like, just getting the tube into fucking central London and back. Buying, because I always had a... Getting that Northern line. Yeah, getting that Northern line. Because I had a two drink minimum. I always said to myself, it's rude to leave without having a two drink. And I agree with that as well. I do think, like... Like, if they've showed up and they're making the effort, even if you don't, like, nail the attraction, you should stay for, like, I think two drinks. Yeah, I agree. Because then one of you can pay for the first round, the other can pay for the next. It's all square. And then you can, like, make up an excuse to go. There's nothing worse than a crap date. And let me tell you, some of our friends have some absolute crackers of date stories, which we will get to. That's actually something I want to talk about. So, what, so the ick, right? Can the ick be un-icked? Can the ick be un-icked? I don't think it can. I have never... I got the ick and it took over, and never again. With Mr. X? Mr. X and, yeah. And who? Someone else that we... And Mr. Y? Mr. Y. Oh, shit. Oh, Mr. Y. Yes, it's connected. Oh, my God. Finally clicked. Your man. So, Harriet, what is... So, I live in perpetual fear that I'm going to get the ick from Lizzie. No, you would have gotten it already. Five and a half years, and I'm really worried. It's like catching the flu. I'm worried that I'm going to wake up one morning and get the ick. But, like, I don't think it happens after that long. I don't think so. I think the ick would have already taken over. So, what was the smallest thing about a guy that gave you the ick? I mean, the most recent ick, it was because of the shoes that he wore. The shoes? Yeah. Okay. Mr. Y. Your man. Your man. He was... You were pining after him for months. I really fancied him, yeah. And then, finally, he went to a party, and he was there in his general, normal attire, and the ick just took over. His shoes were horrendous. And then, he was really annoying that night, and I was like, the ick has taken over. The ick is here. And, like, just like that, it was like a change. Like, six months, she was like, I really fancy this guy. And, just like that, the ick said it. It was fucking crazy. And, you know what? That's not the first time one of our friends has been put off by just a man's clothing. I know. Scarf boy. Scarf boy. We literally haven't, we have no idea who this boy is. I'm sure he's a little... Shout out to scarf boy. Shout out to scarf boy wherever you are. Hope you're staying warm with your scarf. He's the type of guy that's definitely wearing a scarf during an evening like this. Currently 27. Not that either of us were on the date. So, basically, one of our friends came home from a date one night and was giving us the full debrief. And, she was like, he was really nice. Like, you know... He actually said it, like, such a lovely guy. Such a good guy. Like, you know, he was, like, really interested in her and what she does because she's a psychologist, so he's, like, asking her all about that. And, she was like, but guys, like, I just couldn't get over, like, one thing. And, we were like, like, what? Like, we thought he was going to say he was, like, a fucking Tory or something like that. Like, we were like, you know, which is grounds to, like, end a date. Like, on the spot, in my opinion. But, it was because he was wearing a scarf. And, let me just tell you, this date occurred in December in the Northern Hemisphere when wearing scarves is perfectly normal. But, she was like, she just couldn't get over the scarf. So, something as small as that can cause the ache. Yeah. I don't think that it can be an ache. I would really like to hear from anyone. Yes. So, whoever we send this to, we're doing a little market testing at the beginning, getting some feedback on what you guys think. Hey. Has the ache... Hey, girl, hey. Has the ache ever been an ache? Do you know what gave me the ache? What? Finding out a woman was married after I slept with her. But, that's, like, not even the ache. That's just, you were like, oh, man, I can't believe I said that. Yeah, exactly. Like, how fucked up is that? You were the other woman without knowing that you were the other woman. Which I think is so unfair. That's really bad. That's really bad. No, you need to give somebody the option if they want to be the other woman. Instead, we had done the deed and, literally, the next morning... I actually have a really funny story about that. She told me then that she was still married. And I was like, like, what? Like, my mind was literally, like, blown off my head. I was like, oh, my God. I'm the other woman. But the funnier thing about that night was that, so, it was a week night. I remember it was, like, a Wednesday or Thursday, so I had work in the morning. You weren't going to sleep on the weekday. I wasn't going to sleep on the weekday. No, honestly, the sex was terrible. She had, like, the longest nipples. It was so weird. Anyway... Shout out to everyone's nipples. Yeah, everyone's nipples are perfect. Just these actually kind of hurt because they were so pointy, but whatever. So, the funniest thing about that date was... So, after she told me she was married, I was like, this is, like, so fucked up. Like, you know, I can't believe that, like, you're married, your wife's out of town. It's really unfair that you put me in this bitching. Yeah, that's what I think. And I was like, but I'm still going to sleep over. I was like, you still, you knew, and you still did the tea. No, no, no, I did it beforehand. We didn't do it again after she told me. So, we had sex the day she told me. But I did stay over in her house because I was like, bitch, you owe me, and I am not going all the way back to south-west London because I was in north-east London at the time, and it would have been a heck of a commute. So, I was like, I'm still staying over, but you kind of disgust me now. So, anyway, I was, like, leaving in the morning, literally, like, one or two words, like, exchanged between us. Oh, it's always that awkward, like, after a one-night stand, like, all right, bye, love. This is back in the days that we used cash. So, us dinosaurs remember it. But I left 20 quid on her nightstand, like, so I'd, like, taken all the stuff out of my pockets and, like, left it there, and I left 20 quid there. And I was like, you know, this is quite fitting because, you know, I just paid you like a prostitute and you really acted like a hoe. She's so funny. I'm sorry, but I've totally, like, broke up a marriage without my knowledge. That's not cool. Like, that is really not cool. No slut-shaming here, either. Like, I am very sex-positive, but, like, I was, like, it will be slightly hilarious if she thinks I thought she was a prostitute by me leaving the money on the nightstand. I doubt she did. I'd say she was, like, $20 for a dollar. She was like, I'm sorry. I'm surprised that you didn't go back and get it because, like, actually, I know. I know. It would be like... I am, I'm so cheap. I'm so cheap. So, basically, Mother of God moment is something that's happened to you or something that you've seen on the news that has literally made you, like, become religious again, see God again. Yeah. Be like, Jesus Christ. Mother of God. Mother of God. And it can be a Mother of God. Yeah, it can be a shock. Yeah. Or it can be, it's quite an Irish thing, but we think y'all are gonna like it. So, my Mother of God moment, it was like a Mother of God, like, event. It was, it's just Whiz Air. Right. I don't know if you guys have ever flown with them. I am always one for a bargain. You name dropping all these brands, but we're definitely not gonna get sponsored by Whiz Air. Absolutely. Sorry. Well, finally, like, when I flew with Whiz Air, I knew where they got their name from. It's because they literally ripped the piss with absolutely everything. Like, so... Sounds about right. Now, Whiz Air compared to Ryanair. Oh, Whiz Air's worse. Really? And Ryanair, I hate them with a fiery passion, but love you if you want to sponsor us, but, like, also hate you because you're terrible. I have turned into an airlingo snob. Yeah, but that's because you've had the money. What kind of money? I'm literally on rails. Monopoly money. I'm literally on rail and sail vibes at the moment. Your mother of God moment. Whiz Air. Oh, my God, Whiz Air. So... Whiz Air, Whiz Air, take a whiz in the sky. I'm Whiz Air. I actually did. I went to the bathroom. What happens to pee? It all gets thrown out in a box, no? It all goes to the box. A box of pee? Yeah, and then it gets taken off the fly and pumped out. Into the air. So why aren't boxes of piss? No, like, when you land. When you land, it's like they're, like, refueling, but they put a pump and it takes all the poo and piss out. They refuel, but they de-piss. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, but yeah, Whiz Air. Honestly. Take a whiz in the sky. I'm Whiz Air. They're worse than Ryanair, and that is a really, really tough achievement. So, like, me and my girlfriend, we were flying to Portugal for a week's holiday, and our flight was supposed to be at 8am from Gatwick. So it was, like, grand. Got to get up early. Got to get a train at, like, 6 o'clock to be there in time. Got to catch the train. Got to catch the train. FYI, big tip. If you go to Clapham Junction, you can get anywhere in the world. I am convinced you can get anywhere in the world. Name a country. Send us a WhatsApp or an e-mail. We're going to give an e-mail at the end of this. And just tell me where you cannot get from Clapham Junction, because, honestly, I think you can get anywhere. Zambia? Yes. Go for it. I'm, like, skunk pork? Absolutely. Okay, you've said me a lot in these things. Got it. But, yeah, so we're there. So we're getting the flight. It's supposed to be at 8. We're on our way to the airport, so we've gotten up at 5am to go get the train from Clapham Junction. And we get a message when we're on the platform being, like, your flight has been delayed by four hours. So it's, like, that's cool. I didn't need that extra four hours of bed anyway. It's only half five in the fucking morning. So we get there. That's cool. We get there. We're, like, well, we might as well go, because by the time we go back, chill out. So we get to Gatwick, and we're just going through security. And you know when you have to scan your boarding pass at the very beginning of security? It's, like, uh-uh. And it's literally, yeah, that was the sound of it. Actually, it was, like, literally, like, uh-uh. Thou shalt not pass. Like, fucking Gandalf. I was, like, what is this? So it was, like, flight not sound is what it said on the thing. And we were, like, what is going on? We never even exist. Like, have we been scammed? Yeah, have we been scammed? So I walk up to one of the, like, security staff at the airport, and I'm, like, hey, like, we have this flight, but it's not letting us through. It's been delayed, so we haven't got any new boarding passes. And she was, like, okay. So she, like, took my phone, walked off, spoke to her supervisor and came back and was, like, yeah, there's no flight registered. Like, I was, like, excuse me? Like, we're supposed to be going on holidays. I was, like, it's one thing for your, like, flight to be delayed, but for your flight not to exist? I was, like, oh, my God. Yeah, so then me and Lizzie are, like, okay, let's reach out to the airline. They don't have a contact number. Great. The only contact, even Ryanair has a contact number. Now, you'll be on Ryanair for an hour before you actually speak to a human being, but you'll eventually speak to a human being, like, as in they have an actual number, whereas Wizz Air had no contact number. What about the check-in desk? They had one contact number, right? Registered in Poland. We rang it and it said this number is not in use. And we were, like, okay, fan-fucking-tastic. I was, like, mother of God, this service is horrific. So I was, like, that's what we did next. We went down to the check-in desk. There's a line, and I asked the guy in front of me. We didn't get to the back of the line. I asked the guy in front of me, how long have you been waiting in this line? And he was, like, 40 minutes. I was, like, no. I was, like, no. Like, I am not doing this. So I did the thing that English people hate, which is just jump the queue. I went straight to the top of the queue. Just English people. Well, like, lots of people. I was, like, you know those, like, zippy things that make the lines like those? Yeah, you're just, like, fuck it. No, but it's so embarrassing. It's not funny. It's not. So I, like, lifted it up, and I was, like, yeah, I've got that confidence. But then I let it go too quickly, and it literally, like, fading, and, like, made this big noise, and everyone in the queue was looking at me. But anyway. So I go up to the woman, and I was, like, apparently our flight doesn't exist according to security. Like, I'm really hoping it does. And we get the details or whatever. And she was, like, oh, yeah, we just, um, we haven't registered the flight yet. None of this means anything to me. Like, am I going to Portugal today or not? Like, is what I really want to know. That is the big question. That is the question. Did you get on the plane? I got off the plane. I got off the plane. I got on the plane. And I got off the plane in Portugal. But anyway. Mother of God. Mother of God. Airports, though, in general. Like, there is no. They didn't used to be like this, you know. They're horrific now. I feel like COVID has given people amnesia in terms of how to act in an airport. Because the amount of times security. It fascinates me. People. I didn't know I needed a passport. I saw that when I was going down to Dublin. A woman trying to get on a flight. She didn't have any photo ID with her. And then started kicking up a fuss. And you know when you're standing there like. You are an idiot. She just like, you know, grab a crayon and a piece of paper and was like. This is my best picture of myself age 22. It was more like she was just getting really irate with the air hostess. Because she wouldn't let her go through security. You know what? I actually do feel bad for all like the flight attendants and stuff like that. Because it's all the people at the top, right? They just want to cut costs. And they're not like on the ground. They're not at the check-in desk or on the flight. So then when you give out shit to a flight attendant. You're like, it's not their fault. It's not their fault. Shout out to all the air hostess men. Working in the airport security guys. That was always a fantasy of mine. You know, Britney Spears in the Toxic video and the air hostess thing. Do you know what's really interesting? Not interesting. A very cool fact. Going through Dublin Airport Terminal 2. You don't have to take your liquids out of your hand luggage anymore. I've seen these. Big water bottle. And I was like, oh shite. And he's like, don't worry. Go on through. It was grand. I was like, life changing. I've had it on heat for a minute but not, I can't lick it. Don't have to put anything in a plastic bag. Reducing plastic. Call it for a dollar. Yeah. It's actually such a win. What's the funniest thing you've seen someone trying out through security? Basically, rest in peace our beautiful dog Becky who passed away many years ago. She's a great dog. But my sister, obviously, she's now a vet. So Becky was like her best friend. So when she passed away, Sarah was very sad. And for a solid two years, Sarah used to, she used to get stopped at security because she'd bring a framed photo of Becky 3 with her. And then when we'd get on the plane, she'd put the table down and put the photo with Becky's collar and a lock of her hair. It's like a fucking shrine. It was. It's like. It was, yeah. It stopped for a while. She brought a collar and a tuft of hair through an airport. Isn't that right? And the security guard was literally like, why do you have a lock of hair? And Becky was just like, what is the framed photo about? And she was just like, it's my dog that died. And I think that shut him up real quick. He was like, God, this child's clearly traumatized. That's rough. But yeah. Boss, my finishing of My Mother of God. Oh, yes. We're still on this. How long? Because you don't stop interrupting me. Oh, God. We'll interrupt each other all the time. That's just how Irish people roll. English people have a real problem with that. Do you remember when we had to tell someone, FYI, if you want to be heard at this dinner table, you're going to have to shout over people. Irish people shout over everyone. And we have an amazing ability to have six conversations at one time with six different people, which really shocks the English. The English are so comfortable with silence, and I am so uncomfortable with silence. Yeah. Irish people, I think, in general, we have a problem, though. They're full of silence. You'll just fill it with anything you can think of. But anyway, eventually they're going to die to go up to security and be like, this flight is actually happening. Can you let them through? So we finally got through. But honestly, Wizz Air, avoid like the plague. Unless they sponsor us. Unless they sponsor us, obviously. Then we love Wizz Air. But honestly, Ryanair is better, so that should tell you a lot about how Wizz Air operates. Take a whiz in the air on Wizz Air. So what about you, Haz? Mother-of-God moment. It's, what, 7 a.m.? I'm waiting outside Morden Station to get the bus to work. Yeah. And this, like, 50-year-old man just stares me up and down and then blows a kiss towards me. No! And, you know, when you're just like, Mother of God, like... I do not need this shit. I was like, I don't need this shit. I was like, I don't need this shit. Mother-of-God, like... I do not need this shit. I was like, probably giving him, like, stare-down eyes of fuck-off. When was that, was it, were you on Westminster Bridge? When you were, like, in a skirt and somebody... Oh, yeah. When someone was like, hey, sexy. Yeah. And my dad was like... I'd literally just moved to London and was living in hospital accommodation because I'm a nurse, so... Shout-out to all the NHS nurses. Woo! We love the NHS. You deserve more than claps. Holla for a dollop. Holla for a dollop. And, basically, me and my dad were going to go find somewhere to eat. We're walking along Westminster Bridge. I'm like, I can't believe I've moved to this really cool city. Yeah, you were like, look at me. Look, there's Big Daddy Boo-Boo. Making it on my own. I'm like, Lauren Conrad, going into Hollywood. That's what I felt like I was like. Elsie in the Hills. Elsie in the Hills, it has in... In the city. In the big schmork. In the big schmork. In the big schmork. I don't think that show would have done as well on TV, so... Hey. Oh, no. You've got a leg for it, anyway. And, yeah, I'm basically standing at the track lights with my dad and this man just comes up beside me and goes, hey, sexy. And my dad looks at him like... You were like, what age is this? Me? You were like, 23, isn't it? I would have been 21, 22. Mother of God. Mother of God. Give me a goddamn break. Give us, like, guys. Also, what was he expecting? That you were going to be like, see you later, Dad. I'm going off with this stranger. Like, shit. You know what I mean? Like, okay, I'm just going to abandon, like, my biological father and be like, okay, let's get freaky. You know what I mean? Honestly, yeah. Bring me back to your plot in Peckham. You didn't know he was from Peckham, as well. You just know it. I don't know. There are a lot of greats out of Peckham. I'm like, I went to Peckham. It's pretty cool. It's pretty fun. But fuck me, if you were there after the last overground goes, shit gets weird in Britain. You know what, though? I just feel in general, London, like, one of the things that fascinated me when I first moved to London was firstly everyone's obsession with chicken and chicken shops after a night out. People love chicken here. People love chicken here. Fried chicken. I like chicken, but y'all love it. You like fried chicken on a Friday night. Oh, my God. It's hoppin'. It's hoppin'. What was it? The Chicken Hut? No, it's not. Chicken Cottage. Cottage. Biggest one in the UK is in Tooting. Shout out Tooting. Room Tooting. Room Tooting. The other fascination I had was how people in London just love to hang around. Like, there are so many characters in London that just stand on a tree for the day. Yeah. For the whole day. Characters. Characters. The best way to describe the characters that you see on the streets of London are, I once saw a guy that was wearing an eyepatch. Why? Tooting Broadway. And it wasn't a medical eyepatch. It was a full-blown pirate eyepatch. It had the skull and the crossbones. It wasn't Halloween. It was, like, the 4th of June. You know what? Shout out to the guy with his eyepatch. Shout out to the eyepatch guy. Okay. And with that, we are going to conclude this pilot episode of Mother of God. Hope you guys enjoy it. Let us know your feedback. Big love, one love. Peace on the streets of London, guys. Be safe, be seen, and Godspeed to you all. Remember to recycle and meter your pens. We'll see you next time.
