Mother's Secret

The podcast host, Katie Giroux Five, shares a personal story about her mother's secret battle with breast cancer. She reveals that her mother chose not to seek treatment for four years, leading to her passing away in 2011. Katie struggled with anger and guilt, but eventually found peace by accepting her mother's decision and cherishing the good memories. She offers tips on moving on after loss and highlights the harmful effects of keeping family secrets. The podcast ends with a prayer for strength and a message of grace and peace. Hi, and welcome to my podcast, SUP, Seek Understanding and Peace. And I am your host, Katie Giroux Five, and I am happy you are here with me on this day today. I want to share with you one of the things that turned my world upside down. It's entitled, Mother's Secret. It happened in 2007, after this incident occurred, it took years for me to regain my peace. It was constantly on my mind, and I went through various emotions, shock, hurt, anger. It was May 2007, two days before Mother's Day, and I got a call from my youngest brother. He was visiting our parents and was alarmed at how our mother looked. We all lived in different states, and we were coming in to surprise her for Mother's Day. He arrived first. I was scheduled to visit the next day. When I arrived, my once strong, proud, energetic mother could hardly breathe and walk. I was shocked. We had just seen our parents in March. What's wrong, Mom? What happened? She was tight-lipped about what was happening to her, so I convinced her to set an appointment with the doctor. She did reluctantly. I was stunned at how her health had declined in such a short time. She did not tell any of us siblings. Why would she do that? How could she do that? While my mother and I were waiting for her test results from her new doctor, I was wondering why we were not at our family doctor. When my mom turned to me and said, I have breast cancer, and I have had it for four years. I have not gotten any treatments because I didn't want to. My mind went to the pain my mother must have been in mentally and physically for many years. But what I said was, what? Why, Mom? Why didn't you get any treatments? Then it made sense to me. Mom had changed to family doctors a few years back. I think she didn't want to deal with the diagnosis, or she wanted to keep it a secret. I now suspect it was both. Some of my parents' behavior had become odd, but I chalked that up to our parents' age. But I never would have thought she was hiding such a mentally and physically painful secret. I remembered asking Mom why she didn't tell me. There was only silence on the end. So for four years, she endured chemo treatments, hospital stays, tests, medication, and radiation. In May 2011, she passed away. Did she have to pass away at that time? Nope. Later I was told she chose not to take her medications and treatments any longer, and cancer quickly spread. I now realized that my mother held on an additional four years for us kids. During that time, she and Dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, her two oldest grandchildren were married, and her third great-grandchild was months old before she passed away. I was angry with that little old woman. She still had so much life left in her. I felt cheated. I was not in a peaceful state at all. My mind danced on how could she not tell to grieve to a lot of what ifs or if I could have. I traveled back and forth to relieve Dad of some of the responsibilities, and I cared for her when she passed away. We talked a lot during the last four years. I cooked her favorite meals when she would or could eat, took her to her appointments, I stayed overnights at the hospital with her, kept family abreast of what was happening, and sat with her while she watched her favorite reruns. I was there when she took her last breath. Once she passed, I still had no peace. There were many unanswered questions. I was hurt and felt I was not there for her when she needed me. Could I have noticed something different if I lived in the same city, and could I have encouraged her to get some treatment sooner? I was anxious, lost weight, and my hair started thinning. I was making myself sick, and I was getting angrier. Now what? I knew I could not keep living in this state of no peace. I tried many things to relieve the pain and emptiness I was feeling. What I learned was this. The only person I can control is me, and to be honest, that's on a good day. My mother was an adult with the right to make her own decisions. It was her body. I had to decide to make peace with her decision so that I can move on with mine. I had to remember the good my mother did, and the joy she brought me, my brothers, dad, grandchildren, her relatives, and friends. I needed the prayer and support of my friends and family. And last but not least, God settled my heart in the matter. In John 14, 27, Jesus says, Peace I leave with you, so Jesus gave me his peace. And with that, I was able to move on. Now it took a minute, but I had moved on. Now when I think of the old woman, I smile. Every year on her birthday, I eat her favorite ice cream, and I think about what a great mother and grandmother she was, and how without her, I would not be the woman I am today. So what about you? As a loved one, hidden something from you that affected you, and then they passed away? How did you handle it? I got through it my way, but since then, I have come across some great tips that I would like to share with you. Emily Long, LPC, wrote an article entitled, Four Things You Need to Know About Moving On. Number one, you are not responsible for how others feel about grief. Number two, moving on does not mean forgetting. Number three, moving on does not mean that grief has ended. And number four, it's up to you on how that looks. I want to comment on number one, you are not responsible for how others feel about grief. You know, a lot of times people will tell you when you're grieving, or may say, you need to move on, or don't cry, or don't be unhappy, it'll be okay. They just kind of want you to just stop. But a lot of times, it's not because they're being mean, it just may be that they're uncomfortable, they feel helpless, especially if it's a loved one. They're wanting to take that pain away. But at the end of the day, it is still not your responsibility for how others feel about your grief. There's a second article that I read called Seven Tips for Moving On After a Major Loss in Life. This author is Carol Stieber, and I hope I'm pronouncing her name correctly, but her last name is spelled S-T-E-B-E-R, and she is a lifestyle writer for the Bustle magazine. The first thing she says is, let yourself feel your emotions. Number two, tell everyone how you feel, because you are allowed to grieve. Number three, turn to people who care about you most. Four, take care of yourself no matter what. Number five, numb yourself with positive things. Six, recognize that time doesn't heal all, and that's okay. Number seven, don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and I want to look at four and five. Take care of yourself no matter what, and numb yourself with positive things. Now, the word numb, when I first saw it, I'm like, hmm, you know, that doesn't mean substance abuse, or drugs that will get you high, or too much alcohol. It's more positive things, like if you need to receive counseling, or go to therapy, or volunteering, or exercising, taking walks, talking to other people, or journal groups. Those are the positive things that you can numb yourself with. And the last article is written by Suzanne Cantler, and she's an M.E.D., and this is entitled, Five Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could Be Harmful. Now, remember, the title of this is Mother's Secret. And the reason why I shared this story, this very personal story, is because, unfortunately, I grew up in a family of secrets. This is not the only secret, this is just the last secret I'm sharing with you, but I will, as we get further along, I will start sharing more things that I end up finding out through family secrets. Suzanne says, keeping secrets can destroy relationships, it breaks down the communication. Number two, keeping secrets from children is a balancing act, because kids are very perceptive. Children tend to blame themselves for whatever is happening in the family. Number three, keeping secrets can cause suspicion and resentment. Number four, keeping secrets can create a false sense of reality. Number five, keeping secrets can cause illness. In closing, if you are keeping a secret, or if you have just been told a secret, I ask that God gives you both strength in your situation. I pray this has helped you, or if you know someone going through a similar situation, please share this with them. Thank you so much for joining me here on this day, today. Grace and peace. Amen.