Final thoughts on control

There are many non-violent psychopaths in high-ranking CEO positions because they are drawn to the power and control that comes with the job. However, this control often corrupts them and they may abuse their authority. The desire for control and wealth motivates them to continue making money, even when they have more than enough. This need for control can lead to unethical behavior and harm to others, particularly lower-paid workers. The speaker prefers not to be in control and values surrendering to a higher power. They believe that there is power in passivity and acceptance, and that trying to control everything leads to suffering. They also discuss their struggle with authority and their aversion to certain societal aspects. The speaker reflects on the importance of quality over quantity of life and expresses a willingness to let go when the time comes. They emphasize the value of collaboration and allowing individuals to express themselves freely. The speaker does not have a stron It has been said that there are a great number of non-violent psychopaths in top CEO jobs running large corporations because they are in control and it is an ultimate control, controlling many people, many people's lives and so on and they gravitate to that because they are the non-violent version of psychopaths which is a powerful egotistical state. I've come across managers, people, the bosses who shouldn't be in positions of authority because they are corrupted by it, they abuse it, many people have that experience. I've never been a boss, I've never been in charge, it wouldn't work for me and in the flip side I've struggled a number of times to be bossed, I have always struggled with authority being told what to do. I can only do what I do by choosing what to do, I can't do what I do because somebody tells me to do it. Now obviously in many situations in previous working environments I have had to do things I didn't want to do or wouldn't choose to do so I had to find a way to choose to do it to make it alright or I'd have to not do that job or I'd have to lose that job and as I wanted to keep that job so I had to do some things I didn't or wouldn't choose to do but I had to find a way to choose to do it so that I wasn't a victim. I don't know if that actually changed anything but it made me feel better. But I don't know if those people who are in control are happy because they can't let up, they can't stop being in control. What motivates someone who is extremely wealthy to keep making money? How much money does one person need when they have more than enough for several lifetimes and yet they continue to do it? And it must be the fact that if they didn't continue to do it, it would be somehow a lessening of control and so control, the ego's control has corrupted them to the point where they can't stop controlling. They might even cause others to suffer by not paying them enough, doing all kinds of things that interfere with the lowest paid workers while they continue to make extortionate amounts of money. We know this goes on. You just have to look at the banking sector and to see all the horrible things that goes on there. It's a horrible business and I don't want anything to do with it or as little to do with it as I can. The thought of the idea of surrender, of not being in control to people like that is an anathema. They couldn't comprehend it. They wouldn't even consider it. It would be madness to them. And yet I can see how much more valuable being able to not have to be in control is. Obviously we all have to be in control of something even if it's just ourselves. When we wash, what we wear, what we eat, we're in control of that generally, as free individuals anyway. You know, just small things we are in control of. It just is the preferences of our life. It was difficult for me to buy this van in part because there were other choices. Whether they were right or whether they were wrong. At the time I wasn't sure. Previous to that I was of the idea that a certain type of van was actually what I was looking for and this is not it. I changed my mind. So I've never been sure of what was right or what wasn't right but I had choices. I was in control. I wanted to let go. I wanted to surrender it in a sense. I wanted to do the best I could with trying to feel it rather than think it. But I wasn't able to do so in the way that I would have liked. That without having to do anything I acquired a van. It was given to me. It was left to me. I won it in a competition. Whatever it was that would have been just wow, I didn't have to do anything and here it is. It was almost like I had to dig really deep, make a decision, then I had to do all of the mundane things that one needs to do to own it and run it and insure it and tax it and this and that. I had to do all of that and I had to stay in the left brain mindset of I don't even know how I managed to do it but I knew that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. So I had to do it. I had to stay in control and really all I wanted to do was let go. I just wanted to stop having to do it and then as soon as I actually acquired the van and all the bureaucratic-ness was taken care of I immediately set off for Penzance, driving overnight to get here as quickly as I could so I could stop being in control. I could put it in the place and then just stop controlling. I don't even have to decide to go anywhere. I can just stay here and just be me in this little space. So I think on the whole, attempting not to be in control, obviously there are times when I feel like I have to do something and then I try to do it well, efficiently. I try to make things happen the way that it seems like they ought to while also attempting to remember that sometimes they won't and it's also okay because I can accept it. The things I cannot change, the things I cannot do, I can allow it to be that way. I've done my best, I sort of attempted to go through that door but discovering that I couldn't, I accept it. And that's the important thing, otherwise I'm constantly knocking down doors, bringing axes, chopping them down, insisting that my way is the right way and everybody else has to sort of bend away from me or we're in conflict or we've got a problem. Clash of ego. I can't be that way. I can't do it. I can't fight. I don't want to win. I want us to collaborate. I want everyone to win. I want us all to be able to be who we are and express ourselves individually and be happy in doing so and free to do what needs to be done while taking into account everyone else is doing the same thing and together we're like a symphony working together for the common good, for the greater good. Maybe I'm just idealistic or I just let others get on with it. I don't have to know what they do. I don't need to know what controlling aspects they're involved in. I just keep to myself and that seems to work for me. But it could also be a cop-out. It could also be a way of avoiding what I find to be unpalatable. I don't want to get involved with certain things. I feel really strange when I have to come into contact with society, civilization in a way that I wouldn't otherwise choose. But I might have to just because I own a van. The other part of not buying a van, not getting any kind of material thing was the idea that that in itself gives me a greater freedom, or at least it did in the past. The COVID lockdown, the change in rules about how people move about in the world, it messed with all of that idea and it helped me not to have to consider it. Back in the day, to actually walk away and go and feel like there's a destination and know that I can support myself and deal with whatever I find, there's a great freedom in that. But there has also been a need for me to feel settled, to be in one place. I've had the opportunity to live in many different parts of the world and could have stayed doing so and yet somehow I never could. I always felt the need to return, like it had always been an extended experience but was never meant to be permanent. I don't know if any experience is meant to be permanent and ultimately no experience ever is. Everything changes eventually. Do I, must I, should I hold on strong as long as I can? Like watching my mum, who again like so many others was convinced by the medical establishment to go for quantity over quality and in the end, after sacrificing any kind of quality of life, she didn't have any quantity of life either. She just suffered in the attempt. It made me realise, even though I'd already realised it, that should I ever find myself in a similar situation, I just won't go and do those things. It's okay to go. I don't have to prolong it. I don't have to hold on just because that's what you do. Take poisons and radiations and we must do it because you could get an extra three months or an extra six. What's the point? Why? And have that time extended but not have any quality. Suffer, struggle as a result of the regime that I have undertaken when actually it would make more sense just to go easily. I don't know. Obviously until one is in those situations one can never say for certain what we'll do but that is how I feel most likely would happen. It's the ultimate being in control. Dying? We're all dying anyway, we've all got to go sometime but I refuse to accept I'm going to fight because I'm going to be in control. It seems still another controlling issue. Fear playing a big part. The unknown, death and all of that for so many people is difficult to deal with so when their time comes when they have to face it imminently they do everything they can possibly do to prolong it even if it causes them to suffer as a result. Often when people attempt to control they end up suffering in all kinds of areas. They just don't know any other way to do it. For them surrender is weakness. It allows other people to overwhelm you and control you but that actually isn't my experience. There is a great power in passivity, in not having to control. That doesn't mean that it's weak. Passive is just still and quiet and accepting of some kind of bigger picture higher power, God, idea, whatever it is and it doesn't even have to be defined but the feeling that there is more and I can't say that I have a strong feeling of that at this time but I have had it very powerfully and in acknowledging it and accepting it and connecting to it watched life develop around me in a way that I could never have controlled I could never have created through intention and will and the feeling of rightness was just amazing. Like I said, I don't have that. I don't have a strong faith or a belief. I don't have a philosophy or a set of rules that I live by. I am fluid and flexible and have spent a lot of my life letting go not holding beliefs, not being rigid. In the process of releasing that which has been constructed many things fall by the wayside that once seemed real but no longer feel like that. I realized that all of those that feeling, that connection was based on something that I have essentially lost or let go of and I'm not saying it's a negative but it leaves me in a sense doing it myself even though I don't think I am doing it myself I'm just not aware of the help of everything that's involved whether it's intentional by design or just the result of the choices I've made that it feels like for the most part I am just alone. I am never alone. Every so often there is a showing, a revealing that what is basically hidden just momentarily pops out just to remind me and sometimes I need to take a substance plant medicine to have a greater insight now I haven't actually taken any of my plant medicine since before Christmas and as a result so let's say about a good month as a result of that I've almost forgotten or maybe I have forgotten what the purpose of taking it actually is it's only an idea now of a memory of something that once was that I am just doing it myself no assistance, no help it may be that what actually passes for help actually isn't help and I've mixed it up it's more of an escape in many ways it doesn't help me to deal with the world in fact if anything it helps me let go of it more and I am in the world, I can't deny that I'm not living alone on a desert island where I don't have to have anything to do with the world and just my immediate survival as it were and in a sense that it's sort of how I do things just in a modern society way and yet I dare say that at some point I will partake again I have gone through experiences like this before and have always ended up using again so I can't assume that won't happen again am I in control? maybe, it's sort of my choice but I don't feel like I need to use it so I haven't I don't know exactly what freedom is it's not all it's cracked up to be in my experience one has to be able to be alone and not be lonely and for the most part pretty much for all the part that's true for me I don't miss people from the past I don't miss experiences I once had I do find myself from time to time remembering but for the most part I don't remember it's like trying to conjure up a dream I once had and I don't need to do that all the things I used to write about which still exist and could technically be looked at to remind me of things from before I don't do, I don't write I just talk sometimes like this and if I didn't have someone to talk to who listened to these I probably wouldn't so if I did I would just stick them somewhere upload them and forget about them there are several recordings on that site that I use that I haven't actually sent links for somehow it doesn't matter I'm not trying to get anyone else to listen no one knows it exists I don't make it known so I'm not in control I'm trying to control it it's a very strange thing actually it seems to be the creation the expression is what matters and then anything else doesn't really the fact that I share things with you and you do listen and respond you might like, you might it might trigger something and cause a response I like that because that's come out of interaction which wouldn't have happened otherwise but if I didn't do it if I wasn't speaking right now what would I be doing? well, it's dark, I haven't got any lights on in the van there's just a bit of street light coming in through the skylight it's not late, it's just dark I have watched something this afternoon I've eaten, I'm a bit thirsty so I'll have a drink in a minute and soon I'll do my teeth make up the bed and settle down and read until I'm ready to sleep and I didn't sleep very well last night so I'm sure that I won't sleep for long at least initially that's it, no plans I don't have anything to do I just keep everything as a kind of simple status quo dealing with whatever needs dealing with but because for the most part not much does it's easy to do I can walk I don't usually go out at night I've done it a few times, it's better in the summer but nice to stand outside when I do my teeth when it's dry and I look at the stars don't get to look at the stars very often I can see them quite clearly here not a lot of light pollution it's nice, I like looking at the stars I miss the experience of desert real desert conditions where the star vista is incredible but it's rare to be in a desert situation where one can do that and I just would look if I was like that I just love looking at the stars I don't know constellations maybe I recognise this or that sometimes I'm sure I've seen Mars with its slight red glow I never know which is Venus or the pole star it doesn't matter, I just like to look I don't need to know even the knowing is a kind of control so I recognise that in letting go of the need to control realising that actually controlling is not good for me I don't want to control others and I don't want to impose my ideas so that they affect others just so that I can experience what I've decided I want that ego structure pushing me forward I just have to do the basics look after my body physically, look after myself and keep myself warm if it's cold and comfortable, if it's uncomfortable and then just be and I like that feeling of just being able to be and maybe that is also control maybe I'm in control of being instead of just being I have to do something and when something is finished I inevitably do something else it sort of flows but sometimes I have an idea that I'd like to experience which isn't too far in the future from where this moment happens to be and can just head in that direction and sometimes I don't get there and something else pops up that I then follow instead it's a combination of intention, control and surrender allowing things to be but also moving in a certain direction but not necessarily insisting that I have to get to where I think I'm going that idea can simply be the motivating factor to get me moving in that direction so that it will allow something to arise that couldn't until I did and then I can turn left or turn right accordingly because that's what feels right to do at the time yeah so again it's not a kind of, it's a balance between allowing things to be and having some idea of how things are being and moving towards what feels right and moving away from what doesn't on a moment by moment basis living in the present, here and now what else is there to do? there is no future that's just imagination, that's just idea thoughts there's certainly no past, it's finished and it's now just memory and idea and imagination there's only here and now so if I can be in this moment as presently as I can possibly be then there's nothing else I need to do my life is simple enough so that I can be in this moment the practice of doing so is fulfilling in and of itself yeah, what can I say? it's not, I'm not in a perfect situation I could definitely be more comfortable and I could imagine how that might come about and yet I don't go further with that just accept that I'm comfortable enough I have what I need and I don't have to keep trying to make it more perfect that's a little too in control and it interferes with the balance too much I have to be, if I don't through intent, through consciously realise that that's what's happening, life will pull me back eventually but if I maintain a more balanced state life doesn't do that in that way it simply walks with me we are walking together but no rush it doesn't have to go anywhere in particular it's going forwards regardless if I don't have to have an idea of where I have to end up if my state of being becomes what matters instead of the circumstances and I have to have an idea of how these circumstances ought to look and what it should include and all of that which is very powerful in its controlling if I don't have to do that I can somehow allow the universe to do it with me that it's a collaboration we are a team all I've known really is that I just have to be somewhere being in this van, in a van here is somewhere and it seems to be as good a somewhere as I can imagine being, I certainly don't imagine any other kind of somewhere nor am I looking for any other kind of somewhere just in case this is not the best somewhere I could be state of being determines how I feel not the circumstances they don't create the state of being the state of being creates the circumstances or is able to deal with those circumstances as if they are absolutely right that does make things easier and I don't know what the future holds of course, who does? I don't have dreams and ambitions I have let go of all of those things that I thought I would want to have in my life so that they don't have to be there and if something arrives unexpectedly, which it can do I seem to be in a state of able to receive them a state of receptivity that I like who I am in that moment I like how I feel as I allow the unexpected to come in I've opened the door for an unexpected visitor and recognize that visitor when they arrive and that makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing and I'm not trying to get something from it not trying to get ahead do well succeed I don't have those definitions in order to have to follow them so that I might succeed or fail which of course is the other side of the coin if I need to succeed then I might also experience failure because both are part of life but if I don't need to succeed and I'm just experiencing what is then whatever happens is ok it must be ok because my state of being makes it so