A better version of myself

The person talks about being influenced by good people who raise their vibration. They reflect on their past involvement in nefarious activities and the role of their family in criminal activity. They discuss their tendency to bend the rules and explore new experiences. They mention the importance of being around good people and the need to be true to oneself. They also talk about the shift from playing a character to being authentic and the desire to find their true essence. They question the origin of their tendency to bend the rules and the importance of focusing on their true self. I've always found myself being around good people that somehow lift me, that allow me to raise my vibration because I recognise something about it. And now the person I spend most time with is Kay and she's such a good person. I always feel like I am better, I am a better version of myself around her. I like it because I think it's important. I don't hang out, I've never really hung out with people who are lower vibration Even when I was tempted into, got involved in nefarious activities, the bloke who was my partner was a good guy. He was just an experienced criminal, you might say, who had accepted that that was a major part of his life. So for a while it was easy for me to go along with that kind of thinking because it gave me an experience I'd not had before and for a while perhaps tempted me into continuing it. I realised quite quickly that this wasn't me and got out of it. But on some level I wouldn't have been in it in the first place had there not been a part of me that was also like that. Some of my family have been involved in criminal activity. My grandfather was in Yiddish, a bit of a gunner, so when he was younger he got involved in some things. My aunt even went to prison for six months when she attempted to pass counterfeit money at McDonald's of all places but six months in an open prison she got for that. So dodginess has sort of been around my family and everyone on some level does some thing even if it's sort of getting away with if they have to make an insurance claim for example they always up it, they always fabricate, falsify, try to get more than they're entitled and then brag about it afterwards. I don't like it. I never liked that and yet, you know, pot calling the kettle, I can't, I have no right to judge it. So while I suppose I would say I think I'm a good person but I also have flaws in my character, tendencies to be selfish or self-centred or greedy. I've always had this so could it be I was born this way, I've got a genetic predisposition or it just was passed on to me from family traits. We don't really understand how these things occur but just as more enlightened individuals come with, sometimes come with very specific intentions, it could be said that we all have certain intentions but I've always had this tendency to be tempted into bending the rules. For the most part I control that because I don't much like, I don't feel the need to enhance ego which is what happens when you do these things so very little of that takes place but really there's always something that takes place, it's just who I am. If I care about somebody, I care about them and I am completely trustworthy and I've got your back but I think there's a part of me that is always capable of and maybe it's because I see things differently, call it neurodiversity perhaps, I see something that isn't necessarily something I get to do often or ever, a potential experience and before I know it I am exploring it even if ultimately there really isn't any point or even that it could be detrimental and often, certainly 33 years later than when I first sort of reached some kind of culmination of experience, I struggle with the idea that I want to keep everything simple so I can't take risk, I don't gamble, I've never been a gambler, at least I try not to, so that nothing changes at least through my own stupidity, let's put it like that, my own ignorance or the idea of just doing this in the moment and not really thinking about it, mostly I don't get involved in that, it does happen sometimes, but I say that that must be a part of who I am and that somehow if I suppress it too much it just finds another way out, I mean even me getting to watch things, download things, download applications if I need them is not technically ethical but I do it anyway, I think it's a victimless activity and so it doesn't give me any real moral conscience, ambiguity, I can just do it and I've done it ever since I've had access to an internet that's fast enough, but that doesn't mean other people do it and in many ways those other people I would class as good, it could be that there are some people who are simply so afraid of ever being found out or caught, the embarrassment, the shame of it just stops them entirely but maybe on some level they might still do something if they really could get away with it and then there are other people who just never think like that, I don't know what that's like to just never think like that, I don't know if they really ever never think like that, they have like a thought and then just dismiss it and because they never give that kind of thinking any energy, any life, they just don't think like that. If I come across people who I seem to intrinsically feel are good, I really like being around them, it's not that I want to bring them down or corrupt them in some way, I actually want to lift myself up by how I feel about how I am in their presence, which is what happens when I'm around Kay and to some degree a partner Steve but I don't see him very often these days. But now that for the most part I am alone and I essentially I don't have any, I don't have any, how to put it, like a measure, like a counter, I sometimes can just go with that thought and do that thing and I have to take full responsibility, it's like I'm tested and being tested constantly as to who exactly are you and or who is it that I want to be, who do I say I am and if I am this then I have to act this way, I can't talk the talk but act differently, I have to be who I say. That's not always straightforward because I don't always know who I am or how to define him and sometimes the idea of doing something, not that I'm a thrill seeker or an adrenaline junkie, I don't do any of those kind of things but yet somehow there's a part of me that has to experience things I've not experienced before, which is strange. Now you could say well I'm alone, I don't have any responsibilities, nobody's relying on me, if I get into trouble or if something occurs, well no one else is really bothered, I mean if you do risky things and you've got young children and a family that you could die from, is that responsible actions on that part? Many people do it but to leave your children without a father because you had to go off and do something you didn't have to do, could be deemed as reckless and irresponsible and selfish, but people do it and sometimes they don't come back. But for somebody who's a loner, who no one else is relying on or in many ways it wouldn't matter, I ought to be somebody who could do these sorts of things, take advantage of that and for the most part none of that interests me and I think that ego or lack of which always feels like the right thing, even what could be considered character, personality, I've realised is the construct. I decide how I am through the practice I put out, what I do. I used to be different, I used to be sarcastic, ironic, I used to say things and mess with words and play around with people in a friendly way but nevertheless sometimes they didn't get it, sometimes it didn't work and then I realised, you know what, all of that is essentially creating an illusion. Like to be ironic can be funny if the other person understands but essentially being ironic means I'm saying something I don't actually believe. I just do it in a way where you get that so that's why it's funny. But I realised actually this takes a lot. While it might work sometimes, there are times it doesn't work. I create confusion. What if I just say what I believe? What if I just don't do that? So that's what I started to do and it actually simplified things, it made things a lot simpler for me. Yes, my character, my personality changed as a result. I couldn't be, and I like making people laugh but I wasn't necessarily doing that, at least not in an ironic or sarcastic way. There are other ways to say things that make people smile, that's nice, without having to be clever in that sense. So it sort of caused my character personality to shift. It seemed more real, less false, less fabricated and I realised I wanted that. It had taken me you know decades to understand the ramifications of playing a character, being a personality. Always a right character you hear people say. Well what does that mean? It's basically a fake that the person has crafted and mastered a way of presenting themselves in the world that they do well, that gets the kind of a kind of response reaction that they are looking for and that is who they are known to be. But that is not who they are, it is a character, it is a construct taken from examples that one sees around them, people that they admire, actors, sports people, that kind of thing where actually you're simply taking ideas and moulding them into something that seems real and is taken as real but actually isn't real at all. I wanted to be real and it seemed to me to be real, first of all to get anywhere near that you have to get rid of all that construct. Well what's underneath that? What's left if you get rid of that construct? The thing I am. And yet this tendency to bend the rules, to not comply, is that a construct? I've always done it, ever since I can remember, my youngest memories that I can recall have me able to do that, conscious and aware of being able to manipulate and change things. Where did I get that from? Where did I learn it? Seems like I must have already had it, it must have come from before. So if that's true, if before, and I don't know how much before I'm talking about, there could have been a lot of before, but if there was before that has given me experience of self but that construct, that character personality, it doesn't exist anymore essentially, yet the essence of the experience does, surely it makes more sense for me to look for the essence of myself rather than enhance this particular construct that is only temporary. And if there have been many different kinds of constructs before this is just another one, it's not a better one or an evolved one, it's just a different one, but it's still temporary, so what is permanent, what is real, what exists and isn't touched by those things, that isn't changed by those things, surely that's who I should be, who I should find. But it doesn't make sense then that I would still be seeing aspects of the world and wanting them as if they're real because they're also part of the construct, so I'm not, I can't be fully awake, still affected by the illusion, it's all I've got isn't it, we live in it until such time as we don't, but it's very hard to live in it, be in it but not of it, it's a very powerful thing to do. Here I am living in a box, parked in a road, but basically I'm here so I just exist here that I'm not really seen in that sense, I just am part of the scenery, part of the background, and I just do my thing and make use of what's available to me, I try my best not to mess things up, make mistakes, I realize I have to be in control in some sense or at least have a good a good way of seeing what it is I do clearly and not live in an illusion or a delusion because I haven't understood and as I wake up I am glad that I live alone like this, that I've eliminated as much of the external that messes with me as I can, if I live somewhere I'm affected by who's above me or who's below me or who lives to the left or the right of me, I can't do it, I mean I can, I did obviously, but it's always, I'm always stressed, anxious, dealing, coping, well there can be benefit in that, but if I've learned all that I can learn from that situation then staying in it is just suffering, so while nothing is ever perfect, this situation affords me a much better, more comfortable, psychological, emotional day-to-day being, but I'm still essentially doing what we're always doing day by day by day, just doing the same thing, keeping it simple, keeping myself, looking after my body, having to eat, not to wash it, you know all that kind of stuff what we all have to do and that we all either do, can do well comfortably or perhaps we are struggling with physical issues that interfere with it, some of us have to be helped to do just the basics, we're all experiencing the same stuff essentially but slightly differently according to our own unique situation and then we die, I mean what is, in some ways it's like, well what is the point? Obviously I look and look back over my life and the various experiences I've had and I can see the value in them, what they taught me, what has come from it, what I've been able to let go of, but if you've done enough of that, round and round and round and round, experience after experience after experience and you are able to learn and reflect and change and adjust, there must come a point where the actual, those kind of experiences are no longer needed and yet I'm still here, I'm still doing this, which means it's not finished, there must be more experience, there must be more to deal with, there must be more that's necessary, otherwise I believe I wouldn't still be here, even if I don't know what that is and sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting, it's not horrible, I'm not suffering for the most part, certainly not in comparison to the last few years before I got into van life and figured out that oh yes, I can actually do this, but I also still recognise that there's a fundamental aspect of me that seems to be the same, that hasn't changed, that hasn't evolved, at least not much and the question is why? Why has that not? Why am I not, I don't know what the word is, even if I use this word enlightened, what does it even mean? What would it mean to be enlightened? They talk about this, certain religious philosophies about reaching enlightenment, what does that mean? I still have to chop wood and carry water, still have to deal with me on a day-to-day basis and have preferences and cook food and make choices, so if I still have to do all that, what does enlightenment mean and is it even possible to reach it? Would I recognise it if I did? Does everything suddenly change and it's all wonderful or in fact could it be even harder because suddenly all the illusion of reality that I'd taken to be real starts to dissipate and fragment and disappear so that what's left is in a sense a shadow of what was previously experienced, all the things that people want to do and the things they want to acquire and enjoy. I get that, I can still enjoy experiencing something new, not for long usually, but it's interesting to be doing something I haven't done before. I still would get, I would find it interesting to, I don't know, when I say that, I got the opportunity a few years ago to drive a jet ski, a really powerful jet ski. I used to ride motorbikes and I loved it when I did when I was younger and I've driven cars, fast cars, powerful cars and I've driven them quickly but when I was on this jet ski I felt very unsettled, uncertain, when I don't need the experience that those things produce, the adrenaline, I'm not looking for that rush, it's almost like adrenaline in those circumstances enhances ego and that's the opposite of my practice and so I didn't like it, so I was in conflict, I was at odds with here's the experience and I realised oh that's all it's doing, it's giving me a rush of adrenaline and I don't want that so I don't need these experiences. I don't even need to go anywhere in the van, I haven't anywhere to go, there's nobody to see, so I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to use it, it's just the space I live in and that's very different to the last van experience I had where I would feel the need to go places to experience being somewhere else and yet I still always needed to come back fairly quickly, this time I just know I need to come back so I might as well not go in the first place, it's so much simpler, so again it's all about simplifying, simplifying, but I also need to be autonomous, I need to be where I'm not controlled by others, I don't want to compare but suddenly the thought comes to me about your situation, you needed somewhere to be that you could afford and you've got your own space within the confines of the building but yet you are essentially at the beck and call of Frank and so you still, you haven't reached that point yet where you are autonomous, so and for you that might not, it might not be clear what that looks like if and when you ever do but for you, you needed him, there's been a price to pay and sometimes the price is very high but you have needed him, you are in relationship with him, strange as it is. I couldn't be around anybody, now as you know I've tried a few times to be with somebody on a constant basis, I get so attached, so connected that I just, I'm happy to be with them 24 7, which is not healthy, I mean it works okay at first because you can't get enough of each other, at least that's my experience, but at some point it, something snaps, something clicks, something shifts and if there's not enough diversity to take you away from each other for a while then it becomes a problem and that has been essentially the problem in all the relationships I've attempted to be in, that for a moment they are my family, you alluded to this in the last message you sent, for a moment they are my family and that's what's been missing and then I realise no they're not, actually they're interfering with me in a way that I can't reconcile, that the only solution is to be alone again and so I'm either swinging backwards and forwards like a pendulum into relationship, into solitude, into relationship, into solitude, that has to be a middle ground surely, so I'm in solitude without seeking relationship, that seems a healthier more enlightened solution, that I don't feel like something is missing even though I can really enjoy being in Kay's company for the reasons I've mentioned and she talks and we talk and it's lovely, there's no desire for more physical from it, for anything attachy and that is important I think, very important for me because it would simply complicate things which is what it has always done, I think you've already, you've known this, you've experienced enough before to know that that's not what you needed, it wouldn't work for you and so you would have to be in a relationship with somebody that you wouldn't have to be involved with like that, so Frank is the only one that makes sense in in many ways, that could make you see him differently because had he been anything else and there would have been some kind of physical intimacy coming out of it which would have made it incredibly difficult for you to have continued being there once it had started to disintegrate as it probably would have. Yes, so it's only sometimes in these moments of hindsight and reflection that things that are start to sort of seem clearer than they did and obviously before they seemed clear enough or that they were understood to some degree there was no other way to see it, so that was all there was, then suddenly or at some point things come together differently, oh I can now see it slightly differently, it's not quite as I saw it which means something has changed, the truth was always the truth, the reality was always the reality but my perspective has altered, I am different so I see it differently and then it reveals itself differently which can make me feel more peaceful, it can make me understand things which I thought I had already but clearly didn't, so it's valuable, I seem to need a lot of time to get to these realizations, if I have too much going on in my life, if I have to focus too much on what is going on in the external illusion I don't do it, I get swamped by it, I get overwhelmed by it and as I've got older I seem to be able to get overwhelmed by it more easily than I once did, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but it is what it is and so in letting go of those things that I could previously do okay because they now overwhelm me I have no choice but to simplify even more and that's where I find myself, Sunday afternoon just doing my own thing, watching a film that's okay but nothing special, had some lunch it's been wet and now it's a bit drier with a little bit of sun, done all the van chores whatever that I might need and ready for the beginning of the next week and see what that brings, yeah so it's not I'm not directly responding, I've read your your message a couple of times, I liked it, I thought that maybe I would actually respond to it tomorrow but somehow I seem to have responded to it now which is good