the opposite of surrender

The person in the transcription values being in control and taking care of everything. They give examples of how they ensure their watch charges and maintain their van. They believe in making efficient choices and learning from mistakes. They feel detached from others who do things inefficiently. They have realized that deep connections are rare and prefer being alone. They reflect on the importance of being content in the present moment and avoiding unnecessary information. They prioritize being in control of their small world and not needing validation from others. I am in control. It is the opposite of surrender. And in surrender I felt like I was closer to God. My idea of God. But closer to it. Felt it. Something bigger than me. But in control I take care of everything. I do everything. I have to ensure that it is how it's supposed to be according to my understanding and feeling of it in this moment. I have a watch. That watch is solar powered and receives its time signal via a radio beacon. So it has to be in the sun to charge and it has to face the sky, be close to a window, so that at one o'clock in the morning when it automatically searches for that signal it finds it. I have to control that. I have to remember I can't just wear the watch so it might be covered by my wrist, by my clothing, so it doesn't charge, even though it will last six months in darkness. I prefer that the battery lasts as long as possible. That I take care of it by giving it what it needs. I do the same thing for the van. I live in this van as my home. It's not a vehicle. It is just a space. But every so often I start the engine and drive it around so that it can maintain itself as a van, which is important, so that there is no damage or rusting or deterioration that takes place. I have to remember. I have to take action, do those things. And I could give examples of many different things. We all do things like this, more or less efficiently. I have simplified so that I can do the things I need to do efficiently, to be in control, to feel OK, content about my life situation, that I'm doing it as best I can. I still make mistakes from time to time, but I recognise I am, I have, I do something about it. The idea is not that there is a way to achieve perfection, but one can get closer, that I still can learn from the choices I make and make better choices next time. And slowly but surely it just happens in the way that makes sense to me. Why? I suppose if I do that, then I don't have to think about it. And if I don't have to think about it, I am still, I am light, I am here. I can just be. I can just do what I do and be how I be, and I'm not troubled by things not done, or things not being done well. And that makes me feel like I am in control. But I am self-absorbed, introverted. I am aware of my thoughts, I am aware of my process, I am constantly looking at it, adjusting it if it needs to be adjusted, checking that it is still the most efficient, the best option that I can see. I am open for it to be different, and I'm happy that it doesn't have to be, that it is still seemingly the best I can do in this moment. But it creates a kind of separation, because I see examples constantly around me of others doing things inefficiently, that they simply haven't understood, or even just had the time or the experience to recognise that doing it efficiently is important. They have too much, they focus on things that aren't important, they get affected by things that don't really matter. And all of this stuff stops that process from happening properly. And so because I can't do it for them, because I'm not there to teach them something they're not looking to learn, I can't be in the same space without detaching, so that it doesn't matter what they do, that it's OK what they do. They're entitled to live their life their way. It's not for me to decide anything, to judge anything. But sometimes I can't help it, sometimes I just see something, and I know intrinsically that there might be a better way, a way that would simplify and make it easier, and lighten things up. But that process requires self-discovery. Yes, of course one can assist, here is a teaching, here is my experience, are you interested? Then you read it in a state that allows you to recognise something that you can connect with, and perhaps be inspired by, which you then practice. That is what I did. All the teachings, all the philosophy I've considered and weighed and lived with and practiced brings me to where I am. I'm still a work in progress, far from I have achieved something, but I feel like I have achieved more than I had previously, and yet. No family, no continuous, consistent interactions with like minds. In the past, I would have been happy just to find anyone I could be around for a while. The idea of connection, spending time, seemed important so that I might do so with people that I didn't really connect with on a deep level, so that I would have to essentially mask myself, appear to be different, to fit in, to be accepted by them so that I could have their company, feeling that company was important, it didn't matter who. Yes, of course, the right people, the right person would be recognisable, but with them not being in my present and anyone else who it could work with was deemed acceptable, I realised that that wasn't good for me. That actually, it is far better for me to have nobody than anyone who it wouldn't work long term, it couldn't be deep enough. So when I do have moments of connection with someone that I feel I like being around like that, I can really recognise it and appreciate it without needing more of it, because I have accepted that for the vast majority of time it simply won't be present for me, that I am just alone with my own thoughts, doing my own thing, keeping myself to myself, not interfering with anybody else, not engaging with anybody else, except in a sense sometimes, peripherally, superficially, very infrequently I still feel like I could care about anybody in the right situation, but no, I mustn't. If I start to care about you, then I'll inevitably say things to you that I want to give you like gifts and you might not be ready for them, so that they're not actually seen as gifts, they're not seen as something valuable they could even be rejected, they could even interfere with your process and cause harm. It's a great responsibility to simply state things in the form of a kind of wisdom, but yet can't be relatable to another world which you are. It's taken me a long time to understand that, many years I would just say the truth in inverted commas and not realise that actually it might not be the truth, it's just my truth. I don't even know that there is something called the truth, it's all relative, depends where you are, where you look, how you feel, how you think, what you believe all of that filters what you experience to create your own version of it, and who's to say that isn't right? And so I notice that my need for companionship, company, is diminished to the point where I avoid things that I can't be around. For today, for example, I got to experience the kindness and the gift of Christmas lunch at the church. They did a lovely job, there was so much food, so many people wanting to help. Have you got enough? Do you want more? Would you like another sausage? Do you want some more Yorkshire pudding? I had two platefuls of food, I was so full, so stuffed I couldn't take dessert. I didn't need the gift that someone offered me in a bag that wasn't really suitable for me and I wanted someone else to have it. So I just left it, and then quietly, and just walked out. I didn't want to stay, I didn't need festivity, I didn't need company. I had spoken a bit as some of the volunteers, Hello, what's your name? And they've asked me a few questions and I've answered them. But it's not what I'm looking for, I don't need to do that, I appreciate why they are. And liked the experience for the time I was there, but I was happy to leave quickly. Not hang around and enjoy the circumstances. It was still a church, the music was not to my liking, and the meal was all I was there for. So I have become much more of a loner, even though I have been a loner for a long time. I have harboured, carried with me a feeling of something is missing, someone, a person, a group, a community, something is missing. And then, in a sense, not able to find contentment in this moment, so that it is exactly as it needs to be. This moment is all there is. In Judaism, there is no heaven or hell. Heaven is here and now. Earth, this moment, this is where heaven is to be found, because where else would it be? And I understand that because I've experienced moments where I feel it. But I also don't feel it very often, because it primarily comes through connection, relationship. And so I don't know if I have the best balance. Maybe I do. It's just a way of examining myself in this moment, because I'm not seeking more, looking to find ways to connect with new people. I tend to let that take place randomly, synchronistically, if it's going to. But, of course, I also perhaps interfere with it through the barrier that I put up around me, the vibration that kind of says, just leave me alone, just let me be. I'm OK. You're OK. Let me do my thing. If I can make somebody feel, oh, he's OK, oh, yeah, don't worry about Simon, he's OK, then I'm happy, because I know that there's no bad feeling, that there is still support and kindness, and I still like and appreciate receiving it, but I'm OK if I don't get it. That's the most important thing that I've realised, to be OK without getting it. So this started as a reflection on being in control. So in order to be content in my small world, I have to be in control of it. I create it. I make it into what it is. The world still has its influence. Things still happen, unexpected. I think that will always be the case. I can't avoid. I'm not in a cave in the middle of the desert where I'm not touched by the world itself, although I limit tremendously the amount of information that reaches me about what is purportedly going on. But I'm not completely ignorant. I just am able to move beyond any information or word or headline or phrase without taking it in and immediately forgetting I've ever seen it by looking at the next thing and the next thing and then I stop. I don't carry any of it. I'm only interested in whatever seems relevant for me specifically. I don't need to know what's going on. I don't want to know. Part of living in my small experience ensures that I can't have that. I mustn't have that. I don't need it. Ignorance is bliss, they say. I'm not ignorant, but I don't carry around things that would weigh me down for no reason that many people do. But am I in control? And is that control really the best solution? Do I, would I prefer to be collaborating in a community where there is a bigger picture, where we all work for a common good, looking after, supporting, caring, ensuring that each member is included and feels contributory regardless of what they're able to do? I like that idea very much. I loved my time in Israel on kibbutz. I suspect that that system would not seem the same now. It is essentially collapsing as the young people move away and want to experience independence and city life. But in principle I liked it very much. It gave me a tremendous sense of material freedom so that I could actually really connect with people in a way that I'd never been able to before. Or since, really. Yeah. So that, in a sense, is missing as a result of the control I have of my reality. Would I give up my control for the opportunity to experience something like that again? Probably. I still love people and I know that there is wonderful interaction and sharing of experience that can happen. That I suppose, on some level, long for. But only the right thing. Only the thing that I... And I can't even define it more than that. I don't know what it actually would look like, what it would appear to be, what it would need to look like to be that thing. I don't know. But it's okay if I don't experience it. Because each time, previously, where I've recognized that aspect and then let go of what I currently had to experience it again, I quickly realized that whatever I found wasn't it. It was covered by my idea of what it could be. And then I would discover fairly quickly what it actually was, which was nothing like what it seemed it could be. And now I am lost. I am no longer in control. But I also can't surrender. I realized that while there is something to learn from this, there's connection, feeling, love, for sure, for a while, I can't surrender to it and I can't control it. So I'm lost. And that's a difficult place to be, to find myself in a situation that I have to now recover from. And I don't know how to. And it damages me. It hurts me. I suffer. And it's taken a long time to be in a position where I am like this. And yet, still, I am not quite right. So I may be wrong, that this may actually be not necessarily a great idea, but a great escape, that I'm avoiding the world. I'm avoiding the struggle. And in avoiding the struggle, which in some ways makes a lot of sense, because I can rise above it, I don't need it, and there's some wonderful, magical, that also gets avoided at the same time. That could be true. And I am alone. And we're not supposed to be alone. We are people who are meant to be together. I like to be together. But it has to be in a way that makes sense to me. Otherwise I'm just an observer. Included. Yes, oh, come on, you can be, you can have. Here, would you like this? Would you like to eat that? Come sit here. I can be included, and that's nice. But that's not what I need. I have to have value. I need to contribute. I need to feel like I am a part of this. The whole would be less without me. Just as it would be less without anyone. We're all one. We're all part of one thing. And one person, one soul missing from it makes it incomplete. And yet, it is just me. I am a whole one. I am a whole alone person here doing it differently, but still alone. Today, this day where people spend their time with family, the real spirit of Christmas with your friends and your family, your loved ones, and you love the experience and you enjoy the experience, not to mind those who struggle with it and can't cope with it and don't want it, but the real spirit where you have a lovely connection, where you stop and spend time and just enjoy and nothing else you have to do. What I suppose each Sabbath day was supposed to be, and is for some, but not for many, not for most perhaps, for a moment, I missed it. It's not just about the food. It's about the company, but just being around people who may very well be lovely, kind, interesting people. I can't get involved with them. I don't want to get involved with them. I much prefer the simplicity of solitude, but that doesn't mean that there couldn't be a wonderful family connecting feeling that I would love if I had it. I can't deny that, but I don't think I can have that and also be in control. I just don't think it would work.