2024-05-17 Consistency

The speaker reflects on their decision to abstain from using cannabis for two months. They find that consistency in their sober state brings balance and a sense of genuineness to their interactions with others. They discuss their role in supporting and caring for Kay and Eliza, noting that Eliza's seizures were absent during their recent road trip. Changes may be on the horizon in their living situation. The speaker also mentions their involvement in a mentorship program, but logistical challenges may prevent them from continuing. They emphasize living in the present moment and express a desire to check in with their friend. They end by signing off and mentioning the possibility of making more recordings. It just occurred to me, I think it's got to be about two months since I used cannabis for the reasons I use it for, and that's very different to the reasons that you will be using it for, or have used it for, and I recognise that there is a consistency that I think is good for me. I was likely considering experimenting, I usually do this, not taking a large dose, taking a very small dose, for me a kind of micro-dose you could say, just because, and then I realised the thing I like about not using is consistency. For the most part, life is the only thing that can shift and change me, and make me feel things, and that's natural rather than induced. Because of my relatively simple, repetitive life, I am even-minded, more balanced, because I'm not artificially shifting my consciousness for the purposes of inner exploration. I spent time with Kay and Eliza today, first time after they got back from their two-week road trip, just the two of them, and I suppose I had sort of missed them, I'd missed the contrast to my otherwise very repetitive daily life. I also get to earn a little bit of money. The reason I was there today, on a Thursday, or yesterday now, on a Thursday, was to give Kay space to do her accounting with her accountant, which she does via a FaceTime, but she can't really concentrate if Eliza's just moving about and doing things, she can't, she's always on edge. I'm there, she can just let go, and do what she needs to do, and feel at peace. So it's a fairly regular thing, every Thursday, 11 till 1, sometimes a bit longer. Kay was okay, Eliza was in a relatively connecting mood. What was interesting was that in the two weeks that they were on their road trip, travelling around the UK, going up to Scotland, Eliza didn't have a single seizure. She had some meltdowns, but not a seizure, and as soon as she comes back, back to their house, back to her partner, her dad, there she's having seizures again. Kay said to me, I don't think the three of us should live together. So there may be some fairly significant changes on the horizon. I could see Eliza was already exhibiting symptoms of madness, which Kay said, aside from the autistic aspect of her, wasn't present in the journey, which is significant, because it means that in the right circumstances, Eliza might not have to have a seizure. She might be able to be seizure-free, without medication. But anyway, I got to have that experience, which I looked forward to. I wasn't sure that I would see them yesterday. I didn't know when they would be back. And then I hung out a little bit afterwards. Kay talked to me about the journey and told me some of the experiences that they had, and we had time to have that chat. But she's struggling. She is very aware of the contrast in her life between what was relatively simple, to just be on the road, to just be where we're going to stay, where we're going to eat, to the issues that arise when she's back in the real world. But anyway, so I digress. This is about consistency. And so I am consistently, I feel consistently willing and ready to help and assist and support and care and advise and be there for them in a consistent way. I would still be there for them in that way if I was experiencing altered states. But actually, there is a possibility because I can receive a message at any time, really. Can you come later today? And if I had already chosen to be in an altered state, then there would be a possibility that I would be around them in that state. I do my best, I did my best not to do that, but never intentionally do that. But it could happen. And in a way, it also would make me less likely to use because I think I might see them today. And I always want to see them in a sober state. It has happened in the past where I have been in an altered state. And it's okay, but it feels, it feels like I'm not being genuine, I'm not being authentic. This is not supposed to be an experience I share with others. It's a solitary experience. I don't always like to go out in the world, not because, for the most part, I am anonymous, but it is possible I'll bump into somebody who I know or see somebody who I don't know. And that can create an issue in me. Whereas by not using the consistency of myself, none of that matters. I can deal with whatever I come across. It's like I wouldn't go to the meditation group altered. I wouldn't have meditation in an altered state. I have done it, and it feels inauthentic. I feel something's off in me. I can't really connect with the people because I'm not the person that they're used to seeing. It creates complications that I don't need. And so not using, the consistency of not using means that none of those things are an issue. So it has, in a sense, simplified things for me. But it is still there. And I could have used, certainly, over the two weeks that Kay and Eliza were away, when there would have been no chance of receiving a call to say, can you come over this afternoon? Can you come round in an hour or two? Something like that, which can happen very frequently. And 99% of the time, I'm always available to say yes. And I always want to say yes, regardless of what I'm doing. I'll stop watching my film. I'll leave the library, because I can always come back to those things another time. Tomorrow will be the same opportunity to do exactly what I was doing today, or would have been. It gives me a way to be around what sort of feels like family, like that she's my partner, my side, I'm her side partner. And Eliza's, I'm her side dad. She's my side stepdaughter. It's a strange experience. I don't really think like that, but I can see how it could be real. I am sort of like a father figure or a grandfather figure, an uncle figure to her at certain times, depending on the mood that she's in. And I can support Kay in a way that her partner can't and doesn't want to, and help her to deal with herself and her situation, which is difficult, because it's not easy to be a full-time carer to her daughter. It interferes with what she would like to do, what she would have been doing, were she not having to do that. On a side note, today was also the fifth time of meeting, having the mentor-in-training weekly meet. There's one more coming up, but it may be that I can't go any further. There's a stumbling block on the next phase, which could have actually happened this weekend. They do a group Zoom weekend retreat thing, where you finish the training online with others, and then you're ready to begin mentoring. I can't do a weekend online Zoom thing. I don't have Wi-Fi video. I can't do a video conferencing call in the van. And there's nowhere I can do it that isn't public. Not that the library is open all weekend. It's only open until one on a Saturday, and not open on a Sunday. I don't have access to a private space where I can do that. So if I can't do that, I can't continue this process. We'll see what happens after next week. Jason, the chap I meet, is looking into if he can find me a private space where I can do that. I said, I'll give it a go, but it's unlikely. But I am in a unique situation where I don't have my own home, which has its own Wi-Fi, so that I can do that. And even if I could use the library's Wi-Fi, it's not private, and I couldn't have a many hour experience where I might be saying things that I don't want others to hear, or wouldn't want others to hear. So this whole mentoring thing may just stop. But I've enjoyed having the opportunity to look at things like authenticity and impeccability and giving your word and all of that. I've enjoyed having those philosophical discussions with Jason, who may even be a friend now, and something may come from that. But as I've always explained to him, I can't have too much future. So I'm just doing this one moment, one step at a time, taking each step as it comes until I can't go any further. And if life says you can't go any further, then this mentoring thing isn't for me. Because it ends naturally and organically, rather than me making some decision, instead of having the experience and finding out. I'm quite happy to accept life saying, you've gone far enough. You don't need to go any further. So I suppose in many ways, this is also a little bit of a checking in, because also in many ways, because I'm not taking my mind-altering substance, which has the side effect of making me aware of things from a different perspective, and then the feeling of talking about them becomes quite strong. So I'm likely to make more recordings. And on subjects that I'm not accessing in my consistent state. So I'm less verbose, and therefore I'm communicating with you in this way less. And so I like to check in and just give you an update on what's going on for me, just as you might give me an update on what's going on for you. This often happens, as it is happening right now, in the early hours of the morning. And I've been up for a while, or awake for a while, I've slept for a couple of hours, and I've read, and I've used my phone, and I'm not sleepy. And so it suddenly occurred to me that this, as it has done many times before, this is a good time to check in. So this is me checking in, and now I'm checking out.