A Desire to Speak

The speaker discusses their motivation for making recordings and sharing them. They express a feeling that there is something important for them to realize and by exploring ideas and expressing themselves, they hope to achieve this realization. They listen to their recordings and share them if they feel they have said something important. They also discuss the importance of being themselves and speaking their truth, without seeking validation or trying to cater to others' interests. The speaker appreciates the opportunity to be heard and expresses gratitude to the listeners. I don't know if you ever wonder where I get these subjects from. Why do I talk about the things I talk about? Well, the truth is, I don't know. I have this feeling that comes over me that there's something important for me to realise. And all I need to do is explore the idea, whatever that is, and I'll realise it. And in making the recording... And sometimes I feel like I'm speaking to somebody, but I don't know. There are others where I am just speaking and am aware that somebody may listen. I'm not just talking to myself, even though, essentially, I am. And not all recordings get shared, and I do listen to some of the recordings I make, especially as I'm left feeling like I've said something important that needed to be said, that I needed to express. And because speaking is different to listening, even though I'm hearing what I'm saying technically as I'm saying it, I have no idea, really, what I've actually said. Only the feeling that I've said it. So I listen in a passive state to what was said, as if I'm listening to somebody else speaking to me. And if I hear what I feel I've said has come out well, that's something I can share, because it might be relevant. Right? Maybe only... maybe almost nobody ever hears of these things, but they are available on the site where they could always be listened to in the future. I don't know why it matters. Perhaps it doesn't matter at all. Perhaps it's just giving me a sense of purpose, that making it feel like there's a reason that it matters. And maybe it doesn't. But then, at the end of the day, what actually matters anyway? What is the point of it all? I don't have to say anything. I could just talk, because it feels like it's something I should do, but not have to find an audience, not even another person to listen, just my recorder, and then share it, because it's available to be heard now, and I don't have to say it again. Ever. I dare say I do repeat myself from time to time, not in its entirety, but in part, but it may actually benefit me to do so, because there may be more to add. It may take me in a different direction. It may lead me somewhere I never expected to go, so I don't censor myself. I might make reference to, I've said this before, if I get a feeling that I have, but sometimes I don't bother doing that, because, why? It is still new. I'm only speaking these words for the first time in this moment. I've never said anything like this before. Nothing is connected to what has been. Everything is happening for the first time now. So, there's a freshness, and there are levels of freshness, and sometimes I've never spoken about the thing I'm attempting to reveal, ever. And if I have those moments, I really feel like I've achieved something. I feel like I've either released something, let go of something, I don't ever have to go there again. There's a certain lightness, a lightening up of things that previously I must have been carrying it. There must have been some need, some holding on to, that hadn't been dealt with properly. And perhaps it now has. It may be that I do have to return to it at some point. It may be that in talking about something else in the future, there's a link, there's a connection, which brings it up again. And that's happened before. I like all that. Connecting the dots. For me, I feel like I see a bigger picture. I don't know if that is always, if that always comes across. I don't know if it's possible for someone else to get a sense of a bigger picture, unless they've listened to enough of my stuff and somehow carry it. I don't know if that's possible, and it doesn't really matter. Each one, in a sense, stands alone. But for me, there's a connection, there's a purpose, a journey. To what end? Don't know. What will I say next? No idea. The fact that this recording is a kind of meta-examination of making recordings. I'm outside of the process, because it's not about anything specific, per se, more about the fact that I do it at all. Which, for me, is also interesting. I have this opportunity, and I've had it before, and I've had it many times, where I can reveal my thoughts. And I have, I've had better, and certainly worse, places in which to do it. The van is a very good place in which to have that moment, to be alone, to be spontaneous. Rare, recently, that I have to make my way back because there's something I want to say, but it happened just the other day. Usually, I'm in the van when the idea comes to speak about something, and I can just go with it, and I like that. And if I'm out, then I have to come back into a space that I can be, where there's enough quiet and enough time. I can't do it outside, it doesn't really work like I used to. There's too much activity, there's too much wind. It's not so pleasant, and I can't subject other people to having to listen in a way I wouldn't like, just because I think it's so important I speak right now, instead of just allowing it to take place in its proper time. And so, for you, who listen, it seems like it might be interesting just to hear me talk about why and how these things come about. There's something about being articulate, where things are said. And it's not that, oh, I've got... it's particularly important, or particularly profound, and somehow what I've got to say, you know, you can't wait for the next episode. They're quite eclectic. No rhyme or reason, really. Something can be completely different to what came before it, and what comes next. I quite like that. There's no pressure on me to provide content, to talk about something. I'm not making comments on what's going on in the world. I'm not involved in the world in order to think I've got an opinion about stuff. I don't know enough about what's going on to have an opinion, and I'm happier that way. So it seems like there are sort of two main areas for me. Why I speak, and what I speak about, and why I share that. Why I feel like I want you to know, or I want someone to know. I'm not looking for validation. I don't really need a debate or discussion. It's interesting to know if you connect with it, if it has some meaning that relates to what you do. That's always interesting, but it isn't important. Do you enjoy it? It's interesting to know too. I suppose if you didn't, then I suppose you can't enjoy all of them, really. And there may be parts of things I talk about that you're not that interested in, and other parts that maybe you're very interested in. I can't say. And because I don't, in inverted commas, care, one way or the other, it doesn't matter. So I'm not recording things because I think that's what someone would want to hear. I'm just being myself. I have the opportunity to be myself, to speak my truth, to say things like this. And I never really do this kind of talking. I don't really get to speak with anyone in real time, and feel satisfied that I have communicated something that matters to me in a way that I feel has been really heard. And so this makes up for it. I don't always feel like I've been really heard. I'm not exactly sure what would constitute that. Saying that it's been heard, that's great. Having some response, reply, reaction, that's also good. Does it make me feel heard? But then I'm not looking for it, you see. So I'm not therefore disappointed or thrilled either way. My responsibility is to have said it well, articulated the feeling well, and if I've said something that's, I don't know, worthwhile listening to, then I can share it. I won't simply subject people to think to everything I say, as if somehow everything I say are nuggets of gold. I think that would be arrogant to think like that. And sometimes I'm not sure whether there's any value in the thing after having expressed it. Sometimes it feels like I only needed to do that, and I might listen. And I think, nah, don't need to share that. I don't know if I should make those decisions, but maybe actually there's something in there that is relevant, and I shouldn't second guess myself in many ways. But if I'm producing quite a lot of content, then I don't know. I don't know what constitutes too much. I've noticed that on the whole they are relatively shortish. They're always sort of around the same sort of time, and that's not intentional. There's no editing, and I'm not aware of the time, but it seems to run its natural course around that time. Several years ago, I might look at the recording and it's an hour and forty minutes has gone by, or, you know, fifty-seven minutes. It's always incredibly long, and how can I expect anyone to really listen to things like that on a regular basis unless what they were listening to was incredible? Well, it isn't incredible. It's just me going on far too long. It was maybe too self-indulgent. I never expected it to be that long, but that's how it turned out, because once I started talking, I just wanted to carry on. But I don't have to do that now. That's why they all seem to work out at a fairly reasonable figure. It's not an unreasonable amount of time to listen to something, especially if, you know, you're on a walk or you're doing something, so it's not actually the sole focus, and maybe sometimes if it's really interesting, it can be. I know that's how I listen to things when I'm really interested in something, but I can't expect others to do that, and it's not for me to even think about it. I don't have to decide that something has been received well. All I have to do is express it well, and the rest takes care of itself. I just appreciate the fact that I'm not just making recordings and then shoving them in a file, in a folder, or just deleting them, as I've done before, because there was no way to earth them. There was nobody to give them to who might appreciate what they hear. And these things have come in phases in my life. I've had periods of having people, someone, and then periods of having nobody. So I become, I suppose, out of practice. I lose the feeling of doing it, which I don't think is good for me. It's important that I do express myself in a way that I feel happy and comfortable doing, just for my own mental health, I suppose. Otherwise, somehow, if I don't let it out, it builds up and it isn't good for me. I know I've said some of these things before. I know. And I'm just glad that I get to say them. Thank you for listening.