Pod Cast 3

The speaker acknowledges the support of his daughter and a friend in writing his book about child sexual abuse. He talks about the importance of victims speaking up and shares his own experiences of abuse. He expresses his anger towards the perpetrator and discusses the struggles of dealing with the trauma. He mentions using drugs to cope and the unconditional love he had for his mother. He encourages survivors to be strong, expose their abusers, and find healing. He emphasizes the need to break the silence and confront the perpetrators. He concludes by urging listeners to speak out and set themselves free. Thanks to you guys that have clicked on this link and jumped in tonight to have a little bit of a listen to my story. Before I start my story tonight I'd like to acknowledge a couple of people who have been great supports to me through my life and podcast. I'd like to acknowledge my oldest daughter Fred and a long term friend of many years Robert McKellar who not only support me through this podcast but are assisting me in writing my book called Sam Walks With The Black Dog. This is not an easy podcast because it touches on subjects that a lot of families like to keep in the closet. Child sexual abuse is not something that everyone likes to talk about but the victims of child sexual abuse need to speak up. They need to tell their stories and dog the person that did things to them that they should never have done. This was a part of my life for several years and with a person that this would never have been really. So please stay with me while I share with you some things I've got to do in relation to this. This is a hard podcast to deliver, how do you explain the things that happen to you and keep your composure? How do you feel okay as a man? How do you speak telling the evils of another man to you? I mean struggling to find yourself as a person not moving forward with your life trying to understand your past. I was only a child when another took me and my brother's innocence. Doing things to us that was just not right. Touching us in places he never should. Making us touch him in places he should be ashamed. How could another man stay this upon another man even as young as we were. When this started we were already struggling with insecurities of life not knowing what was next. Children from a broken home and a dysfunctional family always waiting for the next bad. You just can't help it. You just brace yourself for what's next whatever that was. How does a man hurt a child not only in a mental way but a physical way? How does he justify his actions when he hurts a child in an unspeakable way? How does he wake in the morning look himself in the mirror and brush his teeth? How does he think it's okay as a person? How does he think that it's okay to do this? I just can't understand how he could brutalize children and walk through his life like it's just okay. My mum was a working mum so I had to trust family members with her own. To nourish and teach while she was not there. To do so she trusts our safety and well-being with them. Not suspecting the evils one would do. After a while you do accept things as a part of everyday life and don't know any better. You didn't like it but accepted it and when you questioned it you were told. If you told anyone you'd be taken away from your mother and put in a boys home and flogged for telling lies. As a child how do you weigh this up and determine what is right and what is wrong? You just can't. You learn to accept what was happening as a normal part of life. As a father of a much older person I find this so disturbing. I would so love to get this person and crush him with my hands. He knows what he's done and the harm he's caused. He's not sorry. He's just pissed he's been exposed and will find it harder to continue his trade. Don't fall for his story because we all have one to tell but in most cases we don't carry out these atrocities on others. I remember as a child me and my brother would walk home from school to a relative's house due to our mum being a working mum. We called this the house of horrors. It was the place we had to go. We would sneak through the long grass to try and see if he was home. We would hide at the back bench in the long grass and listen for him. Sometimes he wouldn't be there but other times he would. He'd be there calling our names while standing there like the grub he was with the commentary in his hand prepared for what was going to happen next. I said sorry to be explicit but that's what the dirty grub did. That's what we faced as kids. We didn't have a choice. We couldn't say anything because we thought we would be taken away from our mum. One day me and my brother were separated on the way home from school. He got home before me so when I got to the back fence he was already home. Home in the house of horrors. I waited at the back fence watching the house wondering if the prick was home. My brother ran out of the sleep out crying with only a white singlet on. He went into the bathroom shutting the door. I remember waiting for a bit in case the prick would follow him but he didn't. As much as I hate to say it another family member went in to see my bro in the bathroom. After a short time walking out I can't say who this person was because I don't want to shatter others memories of this person but will tell you that person knew what was going on. They went in before me. After a period of time feeling comfortable that he wasn't coming out I entered the bathroom not expecting what would happen next. I saw my brother kneeling in the bath crying with obvious signs of blood in the water. I looked at him crying not knowing what to say. He said bro get out just get out. So I did but I knew he was hurting him in more than one way. I knew he was hurting the area we'd been assaulted. The dirty fucking dog had pushed too far. This memory haunts me to the point I commit murder without feeling remorse or guilt to stop these memories from hurting other kids like us because they prey on us kids from broken homes. The kids you have to keep secrets to survive. My god I hate these predators and struggle every day not to hunt them down and finish their miserable existence. They never stop they just become better at what they do. They never feel sorry for their scrubs. They only care about themselves and what they can get away with and what the courts will accept. Well fuck me give me a break. What's it going to take to realize a bullet will do the job and only cost around $1.30 a round. It was around this time I started to get high with my brother. We would stop at a friends house on the way home from school. Climb out of the house remove the petrol cap from the mower. We'd sniff the petrol and get high. We would lie there laughing and playing. It's funny we felt happy and normal. Really it was just so good to laugh and be happy forgetting what was waiting at home for us. But unfortunately it was a short-lived. But in saying that it was just something for me and him to share. Something that seemed good and fun. We never felt bad. We escaped just for a while. It just seemed easier to face him after doing this. Disassociating and being somewhere else. Just accepting what was happening. Being grateful we still had our mummy in our lives. Our rock, our love. The only person that was us. Though she was not a very affectionate mum. She was our mum and we loved her unconditionally. The cost of this secret wasn't high to us because we loved mum so much. We just didn't care as long as we were with her. We didn't care what else was happening. You know the weird thing is as we went through this me and my bro ever talked about it. We never discussed it once. I must say I feel so dirty talking about this. But need to put it into perspective. I need to be able to move on. I asked myself the question was I to blame? Should I have said something? Did I do something to make him become interested in me? Fuck I just don't know why would he do this to us. We already had the odds stacked against us. Was this the final kick to say we were just shit cunts? There are many more stories I could tell you about this time. But why? I was just another kid from a broken home getting fucked in more ways than one. If you're a survivor of this life just let me say keep moving forward. Keep your losses as victories. Be a survivor not a victim. Move forward and beat these bastard predators. Expose them no matter what the cost. Save another at your cost. It will help you heal and make them care like the dirty fucking dogs they are. Be a survivor be free. The only way is honesty. Dog them. Set yourself free. Live with your adversity. Be proud you survived. Kick the bastards whenever you can. If you do you then own that predator. They no longer own you. Be proud of you and what you have survived. Live in love. Help others and be proud of where you come from and who you are. Love and allow yourself to be loved. This is part of our story Sam. I'm proud of you and who you were. Guys it doesn't matter how old you are. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. You've got to expose these bastard dogs. You've got to let them know that it's not okay. You've got to be the one that upsets the apple cart. You've got to be the one that everyone's got the shits with. Because at the end of the day it sets you free. You no longer are this person's fucking victim. You own this person when you set him free. You hold the story to his secrets. You expose him to what he is, to his family, to his peers and to everyone else he knows. Don't be frightened. This will always come at a cost. I'll tell you not it does. But for us who lived in this year and we lived in a time that everything was kept in the closet. This is our time to speak up and say this happened to us and it wasn't right. Expose these bastards. Let everyone know what mongrel fucking dogs they are. Doesn't matter how old they are, how young you are, when they did it, how long, how far they're back. Who cares a fuck? Expose them. Set yourself free. Honesty will always set you free. Doesn't matter what they said to you and what they held over you. Put their name forward. Tell the world what dirty bastards they are. Take their lives from them like they took yours. You can only do that in half metres really because most of the time you're only a kid. They're adults. They know. Anyway, that's a little hint from Sam. Thanks for tuning in. Hope you got to know me a bit better and I'll put in the next podcast up soon. Be safe.