Let's Talk About Love (On Valentine's Day)

Jada and her mom discuss dating and relationships. They compare dating in the past to dating now, with Jada mentioning the use of dating apps. Jada feels overwhelmed by the options and believes that men lack initiative. Her mom disagrees, saying that effort is required from both parties. They discuss the importance of being genuine and making an effort in relationships. Jada expresses her desire for someone who is willing to get to know her and put in effort. Her mom advises her to compromise in relationships. Hey guys, my name is Jada, and welcome to my podcast. I created this podcast to bring in two different perspectives that have almost similar ways of life, but can also learn from each other. So I hope you guys can also learn from our podcast too. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, well, I am Jada's mom, her old sidekick. I think she alluded to it at the start of this introduction. Right, but I wanted to get into our first episode, which is about love. As you know, today is Valentine's Day, and I want to ask you about love and the way relationships can be shown in different ways, like in dating or in marriage, things like that. I hope love helps get into it. Okay, so I want to start off with dating. And I feel like dating has evolved. So I would like to know your opinion of... Well, let me take a step back. What was dating like for you? Well, it was... So I was a little bit of a serial dater in high school. But I didn't date seriously. So my parents were pretty strict. I grew up in a small town. Everybody knew everyone. And my parents were well-known in our town, so I was always afraid of getting in too much trouble. I wasn't wild. But I did like the boys, and the boys liked me. All right, so dating in high school was... Your parents knew, like your boyfriend's parents, for me. So there wasn't a whole lot going on. But it was fun. I think part of what I think you guys miss is the fun of what dating can be like, where the guy has to actually walk up and talk to you. He has to cross the room, cross the schoolyard, wherever you were. And maybe you'd know beforehand that you kind of liked each other. Maybe you would lock eyes every now and then because you had to see each other. And then when they got brave enough, they'd walk up to you and they would talk to you. But they didn't talk to you. A lot of times they had to run some game on you and say something that would just get you all happy and blushing and stuff. They had to have a line, probably one they thought of or one they heard somewhere else. The whole dating thing was fun. You'd sit on the phone. The phone was plugged to the wall. Your mom would pick up the other receiver, and another would say, Cat, I thought you'd been on the phone for hours. So that's how it was. You had to go through that whole process. It was a lot of fun. Breakups were inevitable. Of course, they all knew in high school. For the most part, dating was just a very fun thing to do. I feel like, for me, I didn't date in high school, but I feel like it was more, I guess for your time, there was a lot more going on. I feel like now, like dating now, it's different and it's definitely not the same as it used to be. Would you say that now that we have more technology, would you say that dating, with dating apps and other ways to connect with people, like just on social media, would you say that that would be beneficial, or do you think it's kind of created more problems with being in an office? I mean, I haven't been on the dating app, so I don't think I would know what that experience is like. The only exposure I have to that is from you and your sister and what you go through on those apps. I do think it takes a little bit out of the fun in meeting someone, because when I was dating, like I said, someone had to walk up to you and talk to you. And then over time, you had to get to know them and see if there were things that you liked about them and things you didn't like about them. But I feel like for you guys, you just go online, you pick your checklist of things you don't like and things that you do like, and then you put it in there. And then it spits out some random, like, here's your choices based on what you said you like. So I feel like you miss out a little bit on what you could find, like the journey of, you know, getting to know someone. Like, they might not be at face value what you thought you needed in your life. But if you've already, like, checked them, like, I feel like you limit yourself on apps. But I don't know, maybe it's just more convenient and it gives you more options, I guess. I mean, I couldn't, like, just go somewhere one day and just all of a sudden have, like, 30 people that I might be able to date. I agree. With the fact that you mentioned how dating apps provide a lot of options, as someone who has tried the dating app, I do often feel overwhelmed by the amount of people out there. And I think people get caught up in the fact that there are so many options and so it's hard to settle because you're always searching for that better thing. I could see that. But I would also say that you do cast a wider net with dating apps, but at the same time, like, there's a lot of games that you're playing. And if you don't play the game, you don't really get anywhere. This sounds exhausting. I'm already tired of listening to this. I mean, I guess this is what works for you guys, right? Like, you're living in a world of technology. I didn't even have a cell phone when I was dating back in the day. So you guys have access and options at your fingertips that we didn't have. So maybe we would have enjoyed having... I know guys would probably, like the guys I know, probably would have liked having many options all at once. I do think that having options does help, but I think in my personal experience, dating apps can be dreamy. I mean, not that I've gotten very far with dating apps, but it is dreamy at times. And it does make you feel like you are, like you always feel like you have to get more and prove yourself. So speaking of men, like, what do you think about men in general? Well, I'm married to one, so I kind of like them. I mean, I guess they're different from women. I mean, I don't know. What's the real question here? The question is, do you feel like men are really giving in this generation? Like, 2023, what is your opinion on men? Are they giving? Not giving? So this is like your way of giving, where you're like, it's giving something, right? Like, oh, I don't know. I feel like I can't speak for all men, but I will say your dad is giving. Yes. Okay. Minus your dad. Minus your dad, why would I care about anybody else? I just mean, like, behavior-wise. Like, I feel like I don't want to speak for all men, but it's not really giving like we're supposed to give. When I think of, like, dating and, like, meeting guys and stuff, like, I want to be wowed. I want to be pursued. And nowadays, men want to be the ones that are being pursued. And there's no, there's a lack of initiative on their end, and I think I'm not, I can't be the only one who thinks this, because I've seen it so many times on social media, women talking about how men are, like, not giving. Like, they're just waiting, and it's not really what it's supposed to be. Like, it's not, like, I feel like sometimes women have to do all the work, but then, like, there's also this other side, where it's like, well, women don't, like, do enough for us, but it's like, well, you're not doing anything in the first place. So, I don't know, I just feel like I don't see the effort now from men that I would, like, that I've seen, like, from Dad. Like, how you guys, like, met and stuff, and how he was, you know, taking initiative and taking you out and being more forward, I guess. Well, I mean, I don't know what it's supposed to give today, but I will say, even back then, like, the first date that your dad and I had, yes, he asked me out on a date, and we kind of figured out what we were going to do, but we split the first check. We came up with ideas together to do things. I don't want to give you the impression that I was just sitting, and he showed up at my door, and was like, my lady. Like, no, like, I had things to do, he had things to do, we had to plan, we had to figure out our schedules. I mean, I just feel like you guys watch too much Netflix or something. Like, I don't know where these, like, Bridgerton ideas come from, but even in my olden days, it was work, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Like, I don't think, like, someone really has to be keen and have an interest in you, and you have to feel the same way about them, because that's when you're willing to do more. I think because you meet people that are, you know, you're not particularly interested, you don't really want to do all that work either, and maybe they don't want to do any work, but I guarantee when you meet someone who's really into you, and you're really into them, you're going to want to do all the stuff. Exactly. And I think the point I was trying to make was that I feel like if a guy really likes someone, I just feel like there should be, you should just make it more known. It shouldn't be a guessing game or a back and forth thing. And I think for me, like, when I've tried to talk to guys and, like, get to know them, it kind of feels like I'm putting myself out there more and, like, giving more and not getting anything back. Yes. Okay, then. So maybe it's really hard for some people to meet that really high standard and those expectations you have. Like, what do they need to do? Um, I don't want to reveal all my cards, but I know... I know... Because then people will know what you want, but you don't want them to know what you want, but you want them to know what you want. Okay. But if I can say it in a broad sense, I just want someone to just be genuine and want to get to know me and just, I don't know, just try. Like, I just feel like there's just a lack of effort these days and it makes me feel like, oh, maybe I'm just not A, B, C, or D that they're looking for. And so maybe my standards are a bit too high, but I don't think that's a bad thing. It's 100% not a bad thing, but I think anyone in a relationship, and I can tell you after being in a relationship for many years, has to compromise. You're not going to get all the things all the time your way. Yeah, I think you want someone to work for you. I don't know if you want someone to do what you tell them to do. And even in work, you can't do that. No, but like, I feel like my new approach is to have high standards, low expectations. So just to get this right, it's high standards, low expectations. Yeah. So what's the point of that if you don't even expect anything from anyone? Why can't you have high standards and high expectations? Because then I hurt myself. But that's what love literally is. It's risky, it's painful, it's, you can't, I think we're doing it wrong. Perhaps. But I did talk to a friend about this who had experience, and he gave me that advice, and I was like, whoa, that's solid advice. So he said high standards, low expectations. Okay, so it's kind of like, I would really like this, but you know, I guess you're probably not going to do it. But then, I guess there's some loopholes to that. Here we go again, is there a map? I guess there might well be at this point. Yeah, I feel like I should come up with instructions. The thing about dating, they don't tell you, there's no instruction manual, you just kind of have to like dive in and see what happens. I don't like that, I like structure. Then you're going to be single forever. I'm just saying, yes, you're going to be single forever, you have like a couple more years. I mean, there's no movement. There will be, there will be. I think that you will, I think it doesn't help that everything happens online too. I do think that you have to get out and be social and interact and do things. You know, you're not just going to fall out of the sky with your wish list. Transitioning over to dating, like once you've been with a person for a long time and then time comes and wedding bells and white dresses, I would like to know, has being married changed your perception of what love is? I think, I mean, I don't know if it's changed my perception of what love is. I think that it's an anchor and as life goes on and we evolve and we get older and we change, the love is the common thing, the common thread. But the kind of love we have deepens over time because when you marry someone and you live together and you experience life together, it brings you closer. Like you're going through your ups and downs and your entire journey and your tribulations. So the love's the thing that keeps you going and that grows because every time you overcome something, every time you get through something, every time you share an experience, you just love each other more, I think. I think that's well said and beautifully put. I just always wondered if marriage does change a relationship because I've been seeing a lot of discourse on social media about how, is it worth it to get married if you're already with the person? Do you have to further establish that? Did you feel like you had to get married? My dad wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him so it kind of just worked out. But I don't know that I want to be someone's girlfriend when I'm like 65. I mean, I don't know. I like the idea. I know a lot of couples who are partners, who are engaged, who are just life partners, who have different labels. I like being married. I like being someone's wife. I like calling someone my husband. I like the aspect of standing in front of all our friends and all our family and promising to make a life together. I just like the tradition of it. And I think you can still have all those things, I guess, if you're not married. I just like that it's official. I like the feeling of that. I'm not watching anybody who doesn't like marriage or who lives with a partner. I just know that I like it. A funny side note. I was on TikTok the other day and I guess everyone is like a dating guru. They were mentioning how you have to give a man a time limit. If you give him time, like a certain time period for him to get down on one knee and marry you, that should be that. If he doesn't commit in that time frame, he doesn't love you, you can start your girl boss era. Can you be a girl boss era and marry me? Why do you have to give that up? Why can't you have them both? I don't know. I think it's more of an empowerment thing. If you can't meet this criteria, you're done. You're cut off. If you go into a marriage, I think, if you go into a marriage already having criteria and thinking that you are going to tell someone when things are going to happen and how they're going to happen, marriage is going to be really hard for you. You're going to just have to start your boss era from day one. What do you think are the foundations of a good marriage? Well, as you know, your dad and I are very different people, pretty much opposites, and I think the thing that's been the most important to us is communication. I know it sounds cliche, but it literally is the thing that we argue about the most is miscommunication. The things that we have conflict over usually go down to a miscommunication. He said something that I thought I was supposed to do or he said something and I felt a certain way about it or I said something and he didn't hear me. It's always down to communication. What we're doing. Are we going to my parents' house? Are we taking the kids somewhere? Are we letting your brother drive the car? All those things are communication on a daily basis. So for us, it's been probably the number one thing. I think the other thing that's really important is me and your dad are complete opposites, but we want the same things. So we're both really driven. We're both really passionate about what we're passionate about. We like to get stuff done. One person isn't pulling the other person. We go about things differently, but we have a shared vision of what we want our life to be, how we want to live our lives. We agree on most things, and that helps a lot. With you and dad being opposites, how do you balance maintaining a long lasting marriage as well as your career? Because I know a lot of people are like, oh, I'm married to my career. Sometimes it's hard for people to balance those two things. I mean, like I said, your dad and I are both really driven people. We're both really ambitious people, but I also think that we're each other's biggest supporter. So your dad wants to see me win in life. I want to see him do really well in life, right? So we understand that there's going to be times where we have to make some personal sacrifices, but we also are really mindful. Like you know, we plan our vacations. We plan to go away together. We plan to watch a movie. We have date night every Friday. You see us leave, get dressed up, go out, right? Those are things that we're very intentional about because most of the time we're working really hard. And we're working in two different areas on two different things. Our focus is a little bit different, but we always mutually carve out that time together. And your dad's never held me back or made me feel bad about doing what I need to do. And I have done the same thing for him, right? So I am his biggest champion and supporter of him doing well. So sometimes when your dad was studying for this last test, and then sometimes he had to study, you know, late into the night. I wish him luck, go to bed. But we didn't start arguing like, oh, why didn't you go to bed when I went to bed? Like, it's just not going to work like that, right? So yeah, we just, we compromise and we work together and we support each other. That's not for me. And love is for me too! I mean, what else do you want to say about love, Jada? What else do you want to know? I feel like we've tackled the topic. You know what's really interesting to me, though? And I'm going to get your opinion on this because you just started working. I saw something on LinkedIn a few weeks ago where people said, work is work. People cannot love you at work. People, there's no love at work. It's just work. What are your opinions on that? Do you think work is just strictly work? No love at work? So do you mean, like, creating relationships at work? And loving other people at work. And I don't mean, like, having affairs and relationships at work. I mean, like, caring deeply. We really need to start dating. Caring, you're like, ooh, that's an option. No, I mean, like, caring deeply about, like, the people that you work with. Do you love your coworkers? Well, the key is, I don't. I feel like I hate those people. Yeah, I don't really have love for them. I treat it specifically as, I clock in, I do my job, and I leave. I have no feelings for you. I might, you know, play along and, you know, be like, how's your weekend? And things like that. Like, I'm still going to be friendly and nice, but I don't think I've reached a point where I feel comfortable, like, showing love. Like, for instance, my job is actually having a Valentine's Day thing where you send little notes to people expecting gratitude for them. And I was looking at the email, and I was like, hmm, I don't think so. But I do feel like, oh, I want to be friendly. I want to be nice. So I might participate. But those presents, I'm not getting any love from Gina. Give back. Not genuine. I don't know. I really care genuinely about the people that I work with. I mean, I didn't love them, like, the first day, right? But after I feel like I've worked with people for a long time, I really care about them. Like, I really, you know, am invested in their lives and them doing well and wanting them to succeed and, you know, hearing all their stories and stuff like that. So, I don't know. I think what the world needs now is love. I think it can come in different ways. I think love can be shown as being supportive and, you know, giving help and helping someone. And I feel like at my job that I do try to do that every day. I always try to be a resource to others. And I always, you know, want to be there to help people. I think for me it's just hard when other people aren't genuine. Yeah. I feel like I'm talking a lot about what your toxic environment is right now. I also like that you're so young that I literally pulled lyrics to, like, one of the most famous songs and you just were like, I don't know what you're talking about. What the world needs now is love. Sweet love. Okay. Well, on that note, Jada, I don't know if we found a way forward for you with love. Like, this seems really complex. I feel like we need some spreadsheets. We need some advisors. We need some cross-functional, maybe bilingual, cross-something. Like, we need a bunch of people to get this right for you. I don't think we have what it takes. I don't. Yeah. And he asked me in, like, five minutes. Oh, Lord. What about my plan for grandchildren? This is not looking good. We're off track with that. That's okay. I know there's going to be something about being old in this. But I will just chalk it up to you approving that 5.20 period. And thank you guys so much for listening. Stay tuned for our next episode. We will probably be talking about life history month because it is February. I'm a little opposed to the fact that we're talking about it only in February. But okay. We'll unpack that in our next episode. Honestly. Okay. Bye. Bye.