Grown Grown Episode #3 - Dating & Love - February

I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here, I'm out of here leaving a love legacy that is so important and I think we as people of color don't think about that we think about leaving a financial legacy but never a love legacy and so this is a perfect episode to talk about leaving a love legacy and talking about you know we're going to teach you about to identify if you don't know I'm sure you've heard of it your love language what's your love language I don't know I think all of them love languages are mine you should only have like one or two so which one is the so if you can pick one and then you offer you one you don't know your love language I'm going to teach you and share with you what the love languages are but we don't ever made tell her tell us what her love languages and I'll tell you mine and then I'll share the other one okay so I mean since Shontay is making me choose because okay I like I like gifts what girl doesn't love gifts and I also love um I could think of what acts of kindness or things like that that's a service yes I really love acts of service it's the small things that basically get me going like the fact that you know that I don't drink out of plastic cups you know saying if you bring me a drink it's gonna be in a glass like that right there is you know and then if you know that I like to drink a certain drink or whatever then you have it for me me so so the stuff like that so I can say acts of service would be my number one and then gifts would be my number two three four and five say no no no go ahead so what are your love languages mine is definitely acts of service I will say I can take two because you can have two you can all of these all of the love languages could be you know your love languages but to try to hone in and stay focused for me I would say acts of service first and then small gifts because I think piggybacking it's so small details mm-hmm and extra service is important to me because it's like you rearrange something in your schedule to accommodate something that I needed or did something small for me so yeah so I'm gonna share with you all so if you don't know your love language you will learn today the different types of love languages so basically a love language is how you want someone to show how you want someone to show you that you feel love and that doesn't just mean with your significant other that could be with your kids particularly you're like you're in your intermediate family so your kids and your significant other so there are four type four or five types of love languages so I'm going to start with them so the first one is quality time so I say cousins if you all are listening so this may be your love language so quality time is what it says so it's basically spending time all of them yes so quality time all right if you're saying quality time why quality time so probably time is like spending quality time with your significant other they're never too busy and you're like I feel most loved when my husband spends time with me when he comes home and he sits down instead of going upstairs so is that big yeah because like just being in this grown-grown age it's like we in the hustle-bustle of like getting up and getting into our routine of life so it's kind of like it's not genuine when it when you know we're you know when we're like working up and down you're in the house I'm in the house that's not quality time quality time to me is when you take the time to like I'm just gonna lay here on my wife or my girlfriend my significant others lap mm-hmm and we're gonna listen to music or we're gonna flip through the channel together now I'ma lay here on my girlfriend or wife's lap and I'ma fall asleep because I'm tired for the day or I'm scrolling my phone you know I'm saying but just straight quality time where you can be talking or you could just be just I don't know just in the moment or whatever I'm glad you said that let's hold that for I guess the next one the roommate you said something really profound you said something like even though y'all both are in the same space and when you just said like that doesn't mean like if even if he's laying on me he's not listening to phone or going to sleep he's having small talk conversation or we're watching a movie we're doing something together it's more than oh yeah I mean he spent quality time he was on me but he was sleep or he was on the phone he wasn't engaged in a conversation so I'm glad you called that out so that's what roommates say it yeah roommate that's a great definition of quality time like really expressing so since if you're out there saying oh I mean my man says quality time with me every day how quality is your quality yeah I mean that's a real question I mean cuz you know the life life happens you know we get into our routines and then it's like I'm here you here we was here all day but let me say this for our play cousins and our listeners let's give you a backstory of who we are so I'm 46 and I'm single I'm single and mingling all of that dating on app whatever roommate is married so you're going to get a good perspective of someone who's married and what that looks like the good the bad it's not so good and even with from my perspective being in my 40s in this wrong wrong world dating so we're gonna be transparent about that and just submit like what's the mention like I've been married for 17 years so that's kind of like some people don't make it past the five-year seven-year age so 17 years and marriage of 17 years looks really really different from marriage first second third year because you know you have kids you have life you have you know careers and stuff and you know sometimes you might be not be on the same page but you know hey just you know 17 years of marriage I feel like it's a blessing but it's different and it looks different and sometimes you get caught up in these oh we spent quality time but no we really didn't so yeah I'm glad that you spoke on that that someone for me we remain at the same age but again we're to have two different perspectives that she's married so her relationship world looks different to mine and that's what you're going to get from my podcast we're going to be able to give you two different perspectives one even just in my career because her career goals may be different because she has a whole household husband and she's on my own versus me as a single parent I'm a single parent by the way too that's different but we'll talk about that another time but we just want to let you all know that can I say something mm-hmm sometimes I'd be secretly envious of all of my things not because like anything is going on my marriage this is like man come home take my shoes off and I want an empty house let me tell you when I used to work a job and I used to race to get home before anybody got home so I could have at least an hour or so of just being in the house by myself where it's just quiet the next love language is gifts so let me be very clear since it's a roommate because roommate is very extra by her gifts yeah those are small gifts these are not now if you have to pick another choose to get you like something lavish but those small gifts should be small what are you talking about here let's leave you need to elaborate so I'm elaborating and roommate I want you to give an example so the love language gifts means that for an example so roommate you know that you like my course or something right so if your if your husband gets you like a microphone wallet right it doesn't have to be a certain color but he knows that you like Michael Kors and he just gives it to you because you got a promotion on your job or whatever so give an example of like a gift that you felt that you got when you felt love because again that's a love language well the thing about it is with my husband my husband is a gift giver he's a gift right so I don't really have and I like gifts so he found out a long time ago and I like gifts so that's his go-to right but okay I know I say I like gifts but sometimes it's like annoying it's like a gift right but then it's like ooh a gift it's like girl get yourself together which one is it do you like it if you don't like a gift right but it's kind of like I know that I'm gonna get a gift because he always gives me gifts that's the way he basically thinks that I like to be you know loved or whatever so any like I pretty much if if I say well no no so I don't have to say it I can be in the store and he'd be like well what do you want or we'll be in the store my kids and he'll be buying stuff he'll just like just get it or he'll bring me a gift home or something I'm just like oh a gift you know so I don't know I he just he just he gives good you think it's good I mean like you said you are they've been there for 17 years so do you think it's because you know he's gonna give you a gift but you still appreciate it because it's still again you don't even know what it's gonna be right like you said and sometimes I get upset because I'm just like did you think this gift through it was like you know I like like I used to like New York and company right when they were a store so just so he can just get me a gift he'll give me a New York and company gift card right I'm just like oh another New York and company gift card I love them I'm just like think about like I already got one it was Mother's Day it was my birthday I got like three of them in in the chamber already like come up with another gift but that's just me being don't listen to me that may be interesting something that you say and we can talk about this maybe another episode we do more episodes on relationships but do you think that because you're getting you guys in America 17 years you get into this routine like you mentioned and that when it comes to those gifts it's like he knows your go-to I think I feel like I feel like you are I know you're appreciative because he is getting like gift cards from stores that you do have but you're just saying I wanted to be just like a little bit more creative create exactly and I like them plentiful too so continue but yeah just thinking through I remember this one guy I was dating so everyone who knows me I love Teddy Graham's right oh my god I went to like four stores looking for these Teddy Graham's I was talking to him and I was distraught like I said had a conversation and he was like well you know long story short we met up for like lunch and he surprised me he brought me four miniature bags of Teddy Graham's oh my god and you're not married? You're not married to this man? This girl loves her Teddy Graham's. That was the first thing that came to mind like when he showed up before we went to the restaurant he had four bags of Teddy Graham's like my whole demeanor changed so that that gift probably cost him all of like ten twelve dollars right but it was a small gift of something that was important to me right and because I couldn't find it he found it so yeah so I mean second I'm sharing it with you because people know I love Teddy Graham's that small gift went a long way. That's what I'm talking about when you know your partner and you know you know what they like their wants their dreams and their hopes everything it's like you the little it'd be the little teeny it don't have to be a big elaborate so I like big gifts but it don't have to be a big old gift. Don't try to roll over everybody. I like big gifts and I cannot lie you know what I'm saying. Some other gifts, okay I'm going off on a tangent but the little gifts that the meaningful gifts like I still have meaningful things just to go off on a tangent like I'm kind of like a mini hoarder right in my house and so things of sentiment means like things mean things to me so I was going through some boxes and I was opening up and trying to spring clean and I was opening up some boxes and I ran into like the armbands and the foot bands and the sonograms and the little beanies from my kids right and I just sat down like it just basically stopped me right in the middle of my day and I was just like oh my god like it's so it's the little small thing and it don't necessarily have to be a store-bought gift let's talk about that sis because we don't necessarily have to be a store-bought gift it could be something made it could be something just something meaningful to you yes so the next one we'll cover is acts of service so acts of service and the roommate definitely want to hear yours so acts of service for me and like when we when I started this conversation your love language is how someone shows you love again can be from your kids or your significant other so I'll use the acts of service for an example as I said I'm a mom I have a 17 year old and so with him simply taking out the trash without me asking that's an act of service because I don't want to have to do it so he knows that's important I want the trash out I want it organized in our kitchen and our recycling bins and he does it before I have to ask and that melts my heart and I'll just say you know what you're a great kid thank you for doing that that's an act of act of service the roommate what would you say is the act of service um for you that too like just knowing things that it's gonna make my day or my life easier just like me getting in my car yeah me get into my car and there's gas in there or my car is clean I'm not saying that you have to do that all the time but it would be nice but um you didn't like my car is cleaned or if the light comes on in my car I don't have to worry about calling to get it fixed just little things like that are X that those extra services go a really long way for me you know when it's snowing when I come outside to go take my kid to see my car is cleaned off you know but let's not get it twisted right I know I love extra services and I'm willing to give back like I'm not I'm not a I'm not a selfish lover like I give back so but I gotta feel like I'm getting I don't know but like I will if you give me you never have to say oh my wife don't appreciate me oh my wife oh my girlfriend don't because I'm going to make sure that I let my man know that I appreciate him right I appreciate all the things that he do so that I'd like to take a lot but I will give back in return to so now the last but not least and most men will love this place now we like this one too but like let me tell you as a woman dating and I'm like when I challenge him I'm like there go to and this is the last of language physical touch you know pretty much like closeness right intimacy in a sense of touching each other so coupling like roommates in early with quality time I guess you can roll those up into to quality time and physical touch so that's what this love language so this is saying that people who are you know that you are close to when you're rubbing on or you're hugging and cuddling with they feel love one thing I want to say about the love languages that I need everyone to understand is that the way so we're made not had during this episode I've shared with you our love languages when you're in a relationship with someone make sure you know their love language and don't try to put your love language on to them because they don't do love because so like you may say and roommate you can speak on this so I'll give my example on active service and then roommate you can choose yours but for active service because that's my love language I can't try to do an active service for my significant other if that's not his love language his love language could be literally physical touch he just may want me to just rub his back and he feels so special from that because that's his love language so I can't put active service and do an active service I'm sure he would appreciate it and then now I'm in my feelings because he's not overly appreciated but that's not his love language that's not exactly I'm glad you brought that up that's like very important because it's like people want to push their love languages in the house because it's so easy to fall into that trap right now I've had I've had friends like male friends that I've talked to and they basically said like with their wives like I I don't want if they can just give me words of affirmation to affirm that I'm you know I'm doing well then that's all I need like I don't need all the other stuff I'm just like wow you have to really hear your spouse that's when that connection come in that's when that talking come in so you can really understand so that you can not fall into the tracks of well I like gifts so I'm just going to go throw gifts at him and they're like I appreciate it but you know I got a lot of gifts from you and that's not really my thing but if you come over here and you rub my back you know saying then we might be having something going on I might do something different you know saying so that is so true what you said like I like that you brought that point now so those are the love languages let us know in the comments below from this episode what is your love language and if you didn't know hopefully you figured it out and if you haven't figured out in this episode do some research on it but these are called the love languages and we thought this would be a great episode to share our love languages and educate you on the love languages so the next thing that we're going to jump into is leaving a love legacy so before we hop into our hood hats which roommate will talk to you more about leaving a love legacy so I'll share my perspective I'm sure hers but leaving a love legacy means to me that you know we've been taught that hey leave you know a legacy of like financial wealth from land or whatever right but the love legacy is generations after we are gone how our great you know generations after four generations after us how they're gonna you know you know show love and you know express love you know and be able to communicate and say sorry and forgive and say I love you like I grew up in a household where I was told I love you and my family showed up for things that were important to me and now as a mother I'm doing the same thing so that legacy is continuing on with me telling my son I love him on a regular basis we hang up and he's getting the car and going to school or whatever but and it's consistent and it's genuine and I'm telling him also to like this is how you want people to treat you you want to treat this is how you don't want to treat your future significant other remain what do you think the love like legacy is I think it's very important to leave a love legacy like you said as far as like a lot of people grew have grown up and they haven't even heard the words I love you I watch plenty of like stories documentaries of people who basically said I just want my mom to tell me that she loves me right and there's a reason why I don't say that because you know maybe they haven't heard it or whatever I haven't felt it or expressed it so same thing like with you I grew up in my household my mom always told me she loved me she always told me I was pretty she always told me that I was no better than anyone else but I'm just as good as the next person so she affirms I think with that with my love legacy what I want to leave and what I've been doing so far with my children is basically just doing that so they can build self-esteem so they can be because I feel like if you have those things to be when they become great adult or an adult in the world and they can you know thrive because they're not lacking they're not gonna be sitting on somebody's couch like oh I never heard the word love they're gonna be shown love right yeah so it's gonna bring themselves high self-esteem it's gonna bring them confident it's gonna bring all these things that you need to maneuver throughout life and I feel like it'll also be like you said a legacy for the to their kids to come right so that's the legacy I want to leave I want to leave the fact that I'm just showing and I'm also telling you that you're loved you're beautiful you're loved regardless of who you are how you look you're no better than anyone I mean that's how I grew up and I love myself I love me some Katrina right nobody can you know tell me anything differently and if you tell me that I'm not beautiful if you tell me that you know because I'm brown-skinned I'm not beautiful it's like okay that's your opinion so that's what I have been instilling in my children and feeling that's how I live my life and that's the legacy I'm gonna live for the years to come for me and I want to say this so as I mentioned before I'm single and dating a roommate is married and so when we talk about taking a step further with this love legacy roommate you're married and I remember you share something that you can share if you want to about last things right yeah so I want you to share that but this is so profound what she's want to share with you about last thing so as a single mom I'm even selective about who I have my son around so do I like I said in the beginning of this podcast I believe in love I know I plan to get married one day even at 46 yeah I'm manifesting that and my son sees that he's only see positive things even with co-parenting with his father that's still leaving a love legacy but when he grows up and he has his own family you know instilling like having conversations communicating telling your kids you love them seeing a seeing a positive relationship or marriage so roommate if you don't you know if you're comfortable sharing share like what you share with me years ago like about the last name oh yeah really deep so like I grew up in a household where it was kind of like a mixed household but and everyone in the household had a last name that they could relate to so my mom and my brother had the same last name and my grandmother and my grant and my uncle had the same last name and I was the only like misfit in the house which I felt and my brother used to tease me and call me a bastard so that's another story for another day but anyway like I felt like a misfit so me growing up and the thing okay me growing up I thought to myself I will not have a household where I have children that have to feel like they're misfits or they're bastards so everyone in my household will have the same last name that was my that was my goal in life so then when I go to school when I go to meetings they call me miss cousins whatever is my kids names is is what my last name is and that was like my goal but the thing about that is just that's something that I grew up with I still didn't feel less love I still feel stuff alone right yes although I didn't have that my dad was still in my life I mean he dropped in when he when he dropped in that's another story yeah but yeah he did we could you know and I still felt love from him I still fell out from my mom it was just something that I noticed as a kid was like well wow I can't identify with anyone in my household even my mom as the last the last name and that was just something that I just was just like when I grow up I'm gonna have my own family and my own family is all gonna have the same last name and it's very important to me but that's that legacy the room is generations down the road when Taylor has kids and you know George I mean Jordan will continue to carry on the cousin's name you know they mean so that legacy will continue one so when it looks like the census from 2020 there will see the cousin's family and you know we live and the four of you all with the all the same name right so Taylor's great great great kids they will see that exactly love legacy to say hey they live in one home so as you know one to share and I think that's important what I love that you said is that don't get it twisted I was loved very much but I like how you show the dynamic of like I was loved very much but I also felt this in this household but that didn't take away that my mom didn't love my brother more than me because they had the same thing we got the same amount of love you know I mean so that was cool that you said that so the last section so we have a segment called our hood hacks so basically what these are so basically this okay so basically what I'm gonna tax are we give you some hats again this is a podcast on adult team so roommates want to share with you a few of our hats or hood hacks or our neighborhood hood hacks today because love mom we want to come to you with some creative ideas for date night on the budget we have a recession right now eggs are like $1,000 so relate share with them some of the I'm Valentine's Day Valentine's Day tonight okay well first of all because I worked on this thing song we're gonna go ahead I want to hear our thing song first does I work really hard on this yeah I'm about the cute it up and then after that that goes off and I come back then I'm going to tell you about the hood okay yeah so we're back we are gonna be doing this do you want to join like that cuz you know I work really hard on that but we're gonna be doing a Valentine's Day night ideas and hood hacks so basically basically it's like okay Valentine's Day is coming up I ain't got no money but my partner my spouse is still expecting exactly so here is some hood hacks that we have come up with that we think will work really well and it might land you a movie or two to look at the day after anyway so a couple's massage either you can massage each other or you can spring to have someone come in or you can get day day from down the street I don't know and you know yes that's that part or romantic dinner but not just any romantic dinner I'm talking about bells and whistles I know you walk got tablecloths and and nice China in your house we're real palates and realistic dishwasher afterwards exactly earlier but definitely real place you know a nice silverware make a significant other feel special like exactly exactly make them feel special and oh oh this is one of my favorites love card game right we're not gonna say the names of these card games because they ain't paying us but um it's some good ones out there and I'm pretty sure you already know but I really love to get the chance to know what's on my partner's mind like to pick their brain about stuff we don't normally talk about you know intimate stuff everyday stuff stuff like that so card games that's probably my number one and then you can do a sexy paint night so so like you can do a paint night that's sexy with you know like either you take you know part or male and female part or get hot and heavy right like I said we're trying to make a movie afterwards well no I ain't trying to make no movie cuz yeah anyway oh you can do fondue for two for people who love like chocolate and the fondue restaurants that y'all know they're crowded packed you probably get the best service so why not do fondue for two at home put on some nice music you can find a nice little cute fondue set online yeah like a target and then you have it you know for afterwards for other date nights versus trying to go out to a restaurant and again it's saving some money and it gives you an intimate experience exactly exactly then you can go out that can't okay no I digress um so what else oh oh yes an indoor picnic oh that's that's really really great an indoor picnic you can really like I mean you can probably like get some like like the little stars in the sky you can turn the lights down low you can get the music going you can get the champagne or the wine going and you can get on the floor I know we over 40 and it might be hard to get back up but it's Valentine's Day so you know do your little exercises before so you can get down there and do that you mentioned something earlier like what's the indoor picnic or even outdoor to know where you live and even if it's kind of still cold where you live at if you have a fire pit you can even purchase those too, again these are things you can use after Valentine's Day so even though these are Valentine's Day hacks these are things you can do with just a nifigant other throughout the year and then roommate had mentioned earlier like doing what is it watching a movie on on the projector yeah so if my neighbor is listening I'm secretly like jealous of her her deck her deck is so cute first of all she got the biggest deck in the community and then she had the audacity to build out another portion to make it even bigger so making my deck look very puny but she has this fire pit on there and then she has like these cozy chairs and then she will take her projector and put it out and sometimes I ride past them just like that looks so nice but anyway yes you could do that like that is very romantic like she's sitting out there her and her husband and they're probably just talking and listen to music and stuff and that's a great time you know I'm saying like so that's definitely something you can do on a budget and if you don't have a projector don't go out there buying no no no expensive projectors just sit down and just talk turn the music on and talk you know and then you could do like a private wine tasting and you can do there was one other thing on there that's oh we could do a couple's cook like a cook-off yeah you know like cuz everybody has their special dishes where they're like oh I can cook this better than you I could cook that better than you and then you can kind of like face off and then sit and eat and I feel like food should be a love language the food brings people together and when you're when you're sitting out there cook for you you feel special so maybe it falls under like active service or quality time it could fall up under under all of those but when they're cooking for you and I love the idea of the cook-off roommate you're like I'm gonna make my favorite dish and I'm making it with love you can cook it the normal way any other time but you want to like do the most the most right I mean garnishes on the plate like lettuces and sliced onions and that is exactly spaghetti and I come over and I get ready to get it and that's cool I want to be put that but then for her man she may make it like I'm pretty place you may add some fresh parsley real fresh Parmesan cheese so again she put an extra effort mm-hmm you know into it for her husband so yeah yeah those are all our hacks you know like um let us know if you do any of these hacks you know let us know what you've done let us know how it turned out let us know if you made a movie or something like that um you know so yeah all right well it's running out of time you got anything else you want to say before we get up out of here no no enjoy the episode all right well I just wanted to say thank you all for listening and tuning in for February the month of love yes so yeah hopefully you know everything we talked about that you can kind of like ponder on and think about and figure out how it falls into your life and you know do some of these Valentine's Day hacks so make sure y'all are following us on all of our socials I'm grown grown on all social channels and comment you know let us know your love language let us know some of your hats just as we mentioned these we came up with these real quick we may have not come up with some things but we would love to hear your um Valentine's or even just date night hat yeah you know again we're in a recession with thousand dollar eggs out here in this world so yeah let us know but comment in this um and on this post with this episode and let us know some of your hats all right language you don't get up out of here so thank you all for listening in to so you think you're grown grown Oh