Communicate without blame

The speaker, Karen Bird, discusses the topic of communicating without blame and shares her thoughts and experiences on the matter. She explains that she often feels frustrated when others do not use basic communication principles in their relationships, whether it be in the workplace or personal relationships. She realizes that her own silent judgments and frustrations may contribute to the breakdown in communication. Karen believes that when she criticizes others, it may be because she is afraid or unable to ask for what she needs herself. She is determined to improve her relationships by looking at herself first and understanding her own actions. Karen emphasizes the importance of effective communication in all aspects of life and shares examples of workplace frustrations and mental traps that can hinder communication. She encourages listeners to reflect on their own mental traps and consider how to communicate without blame. It's nothing like blaming out there on the good side. We have the pleasure of having Karen Bird, Life Coach with us all the way from Arkansas. Karen Bird, happy, happy to see you and welcome in. How are you today? What's happening? Happy, happy new year, Ms. Linda. I had to stop dancing in the kitchen first. That was good. I was getting my groove on. That was good. Yeah, I know. Happy new year. 2024 is, I can't even, I haven't even thought about it yet what it means to have a new year. And, you know, I'm not a person who's given to setting resolutions. I didn't know because I'm always working on something. So the new year for me doesn't mean that something automatically, magically changes or that I'm going to start a new project. But I have been pondering this topic that we brought up, we talked earlier in the month about this topic and, you know, what it would mean to communicate without blame. And that came up for me. It often happens in our journey together when we, you and I get back together across the states to explore these ideas. It's because something has come in front of me in my own life and I try to unpack it and I'll study the problem and usually it's related to communication or relationships or something or my own, you know, my own life encounters or problems. And this one is kind of interesting to me because I have some today and I'm going to hang in there with me because it probably will take us a full hour to get through the thought process. But what I want to do is I've got these chunks. The first chunk of discussion is going to be talking about examples related to maybe the workplace, like coworkers and, you know, communication frustrations or behavior issues that you may confront in the workplace that are frustrating. So that's one is the workplace. Okay. Then the second chunk that we're going to look at is similar type frustrations but in personal relationships. So let me start. I've got those two chunks to get to and there's a little system within each of those two chunks like one of my little teaching, one of my lectures. If I had slides, if I had PowerPoint, this might make more sense if you could see it visually. But I'm going to take you on a little journey. And so first we're going to talk about why strong communication skills, all aspects of your life, whether it's for work or professional endeavors or for personal relationships. Okay. So I'm going to give what happened or not exactly what happened in my workplace, but I want to bring you into my world for a minute to help you understand how I think about these things. Okay. When I'm at work, I often find that I'm frustrated when I believe that coworkers or network partners or even supervisors do not use basic communication principles in their relationship. Now, I realize that when I am being critical or what I perceive as a lack thereof, that in my head I am making silent judgments about them. That can be harmful to having effective communication. I also realize that you cannot make others learn more or do better, nor should you try. But I realize when these frustrations happen, when I have these feelings, I realize that I am likely contributing to that breakdown. Or if I can't get them to change, I have to figure out what I'm doing. And in fact, it may be that the reason I'm experiencing frustration is because it's my problem. So let me unpack that a little bit. When I'm feeling that frustration, is the other person aware of my frustration? Nope. They are not even aware of it. And why is this? They don't have the problem. I do. Okay. This is mind blown, right? You're like, what? Wait, what? What are you talking about? Okay. It took me a long time to get to this theory. But what I'm saying is, I think that basically, what is happening when I analyze these issues that happen over and over for me in my workplace or in personal relationships? I believe in my head, I'm criticizing other people for not giving me what I myself am afraid or unable to ask for. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is Karen talking about this time? But Professor Bird, what are you talking about? Okay. I put all that under the title of or the topic title of, you know, communicate without blame. So. I'm not one of those people who can go through life and have these encounters and frustrations and just say, well, it is what it is. I am a person who will, in certain conditions, will do the work to extend myself to improve in these relationships with people that whose personalities or communication styles or ways of being in the world may be more challenging to me. Instead of just, in other words, instead of just letting those relationships go, if I see value in the person in our relationship, I will work harder to understand how to make it better. I will do the work and look at myself first, what am I doing or not doing, rather than just walk away or say, well, it is what it is. Okay. I just, I'm not, I do not have the it is what it is-ness in me. And I know other people that operate this way. In fact, people in my own family are very prone to say, well, you can't do anything about it, so it just is what it is. And I'd like to think that I could get to that level of acceptance or resignation or wisdom or whatever it is that allows them to just say, well, it is what it is, but I don't have that. So, what, and I'm trying to explain this whole thought process, is any of this making sense so far? Yes. Yes, it is. I'm ready to keep talking. Okay. Okay. Thanks for following my little story. Okay. And, you know, I have to unpack these things out of my own head because it's hard to explain actually what is happening in real life, but this is what I'm analyzing, is that I believe that when I have these frustrations, and I think other people may have the same kinds of frustrations, and when you have feelings, frustration is healing. It may feel more like anger, or it may feel more like hurt, or it may feel like, regardless of what you call it, you're having feelings. So, if you have the feelings, you take that as a sign that is something, there's something wrong, and only you really can do something about it. If you're like me and you want to stay in those relationships rather than avoid them or give them up. Okay. So, let's look at some examples in both professional and personal situations where you can learn to communicate without blame. How can you get to the point where you understand what it is that you really want to ask for? To uncover what it is that you really want and get past the frustrations, or the hurt, or the anger, or the disappointment that you stack up in your head. How do you get to a place where you can request to have your needs met rather than be stuck in these old hard patterns? Okay. Let's take challenge number one. So, these are my two chunks that I talked about earlier. Challenge number one is a workplace example. Everybody who's going on this journey with us thinking about this right now, here's the question I want them to put in their head. How do I go from frustration and resentment to understand why I am frustrated or where those feelings are coming from and learn to make my own communication more effective? Okay. That's that question, that prompt. So, let me give an example. I don't know the answer to that question without trying to realize the example. So, here's one. I'm going to come up with one. You know, sometimes I think I can throw these at you, Linda, and say, do you have an example? But it's better if I come with one, as we've learned in past podcasts. So, let's say the challenge or frustration is one of mine. And here's a pet peeve. I like for the people I work with or the people I want to work with to respond to my emails. I need a decision from them or when there's an action they can take or when I desire their creative contribution or decision making for a process or an outcome that I am responsible for at work. Okay. I want them to respond to my email when they fail to respond or fail to respond in a timely manner or let's say they only partially respond or say they just respond in an unhelpful manner. In my mind, I feel my frustration building up because they are keeping me from accomplishing my goals. Okay. This is when I start spinning into that you're being unhelpful, you're keeping me from my goals mindset. I'm going to call that a mental trap. So, when this mental trap of mine starts, my emotions are rising. I'm feeling frustrated. I start to imagine the worst. I might start to assign blame. I might be critical in my head about the other person. I don't know if anybody else who's listening does this, but I hope they do. I hope that I'm describing a basic human behavior because if I'm not, then there's something wrong with me. But I do think a lot of people just jump to this negative way of thinking in their heads. I think it's human nature. Okay. So, what are some common mental traps besides just like this person is keeping me from my goals or person is just not being helpful? Okay. So, here's a mental trap. I just listed a couple and while I'm listing these, maybe you'll think of others and I challenge our listeners to try to think of others too. Some mental traps. Here's the list. Seeing the other person as an adversary or as someone who has you stymied or is preventing your progress. Another mental trap might be seeing them as wrong. You know, like that person is wrong, you know, if they do reply to your email or whatever the issue is. You might see them as bad at their job. You might automatically label them in your head as incompetent or bad at professional communication. You might see them as disrespectful. That person is being disrespectful of me, my time, my effort, arrogant or uncaring or inattentive or worse, you know, entitled, all kinds of negative attributes. So, while I was listing those, maybe this is a good time for reflection. Are there some other mental traps that I didn't name? Do you, I mean, feel free, Linda, to volunteer any that you thought of as I was listing those. Was that a pretty good list? I was listing them also and you're right. That's immediately where you want to go. I've experienced that but then I've also learned how to pull myself back from it because we don't know, you know. I look at situations before I say, we're wrong. I look at the situations three ways. Okay, what are you going through and if it's a serious thing, how are you feeling about it? I also look at, do you know what to do? That's number two. And then also I ask, do you care? Those are three things. So, I can't make you care, okay. I don't know, I can't blame you for something you don't know how to go into. So, it kind of pulls me on the left side. So, that I look and I say, well, I guess it's up to me to make a move and to take action and set the example. The best way I know how to do them. Okay, that's my take on those things but it's human nature. No, you're right. Well, you're right. So, you just named three things and I'm going to add two of those because we're going to totally unpack this today and do this little system, you know, go through a whole way of thinking about it. But you're absolutely right that there are things you can do but I don't want to get to the solutions yet. I want to keep looking at the problems. So, what are the mental traps? Okay, so we've gone to what a challenge is. So, first it's like if A plus B equals C. A is the challenge, B is the mental trap. Things are happening but C is going to be the solution. You want to figure out the solution. Okay, so right now I'm staying on A and B. Okay, so those are some mental traps. You rush to judge. You see someone as bad or incompetent, disrespectful, egotistical, whatever. But now let's go back and maybe think of some other challenges in the workplace. I only mentioned that I don't like these lousy email exchanges where I feel like I'm not being paid attention to that kind of thing. But what are some other behaviors that may trigger you or cause you to jump to that thinking thinking as we've called it in the past about that person or about making – what are some other challenges? Let me list some that I have seen and I've heard other people complain about in the workplace. What about when someone makes a remark that you receive as unhelpful or even offensive? What about when someone is not listening, interrupts you mid-sentence or walks away during conversation? I'm going to keep going. What about when someone is just talking out of earshot and starts to – what about when someone is holding on to a, quote, position, is being argumentative and maybe their voice gets louder? Okay, these are just a few of the things that I have seen and experienced as frustrating in the workplace and heard other people complain about. Those are just a few. So while I was saying those, I hope that you and our listeners were thinking of other examples. Okay, this really bugs me when this happens. Okay. If anybody – I mean, if we were a call-in show, I kind of would want people to call in right now and say, oh, yeah, I hate it when this happens. Boy, when you said that, that really brought up this for me. Did I – as I was listing those, like, did anything come up for you? Like – No, because all of them were familiar with the – Familiar. Okay, good. I was trying to think of something else, walking away, you know, using their position, and also actually in a position, in a position to direct, but really don't know what they're doing. So they come off a different kind of way. But if you are a winner of what – That's a good one. Yeah, they don't know what they're doing. So they – I don't know the word for it. So it's like – it's not an attitude of my way or the highway. It's an attitude of follow me, but I don't know where the hell I'm going. That's the attitude that I – so you have to kind of, like, look at that, too. And that sort of, like, lapses me because, you know, there's a lot of that that go on. Some persons are placed there and have no clue. Some persons are put in positions because they can get them for a lower bid, as we say. So those type of persons, they go in and it's a big thing. And I'm not going to say attitude, but, oh, my gosh, I'm the this and I'm the that. And that's as far as they go. I'm the this and I'm the that. But I don't know what's going on here. And I don't – I'm too important to pull in my staff and ask them what's going on, to let them know that I need the help and we're going to work with this together. That's what I think of. But I usually can pin it, okay? And when I pin it, I decide what I'm going to do about it. Either I speak on it, I continue to observe it, or I get away from it, one of the three. So, yeah, that's the only other one I can think of. But you can hit them on the nose. Good. And I love the one you added, because that one had not occurred to me. But you're right, that happens very often where people say – or, you know, are put in those positions they might not be qualified for, but they say, follow me, and I don't – but they really don't know what they're doing. And so it's very difficult for us, if we're put in that position, it's very difficult for us to not have those negative thoughts, not to automatically assign some judgment, like, well, you're just incompetent. They don't have a right to be in the position, so why should I respect them? Okay, that's thinking, thinking still. It may be true. The facts may actually be true in all of these cases. But what I'm cautioning us to think about in order to improve our relationship and our quality of life is to not automatically take on the burden of those negative thoughts or that judgment, because that's energy. That's energy loss. Let's keep it – let's not let people – not let somebody take away my positive energy today because my brain, my stinking thinking carried me into that judgment space. I don't – I don't want to do that. I don't want to spend my time doing that for the rest of my life. I don't have much time left on this planet. So it's true, though. That could be the truth, but why waste your energy on it, okay? So in a few minutes, we are going to get to the solutions, and today I have a list of five. I don't – you know how I do that list of – and we write them down, and sometimes they're longer than others. But I've got five examples of proposed solutions or techniques, but I mentioned the two chunks and that we just covered the workplace. That challenge I'm going to try and exercise to expand on this idea of communicating without blame, but take it from the workplace to an interpersonal relationship or a personal communication situation. So if our listeners will just stay with us, we're going to take on challenge number two. So we just finished challenge number one, which was like some workplace examples, primarily professional examples. Okay. Challenge number two, personal examples, which we have started doing in these podcasts over the past year and a half or so. We – very often I bring my own frustrations, my own challenges, both professional and personal into these discussions just to give people like some slices of life and to hopefully make it relatable to their own issues or their own experiences. Okay. So let me go back to that prompt, that question we asked. The question for the exercise is, just like it was in challenge number one, the question for the – challenge number two for the personal communication side, how do I go from frustration and resentment to understand why I am frustrated or where those feelings are coming from and make my own communication more effective? Okay. Let's try it. Let's try a challenge. Okay. Let's say my challenge, my personal challenge is this. And guys, I hope he doesn't listen to this, but – because I'm still learning. I'd like for my partner to let me know how he feels about me. I need affirmation occasionally using words because, well, one of the most dramatic positive signs of recognition, acknowledgement, or appreciation that we can experience as human beings is for our significant other to tell us what they see in us or what we mean to them or what they value about having us in their life. I need this. Now, I express it's a basic human need to need this affirmation from your loved one, your closest beloved. But I need this. I explain my own situation, my own challenge. I need this when I'm feeling separated emotionally or distanced emotionally from him or when I'm overtaxed with other things in my life, which have nothing to do with him, poor guy, or when I desire to feel closer or I want physical intimacy. I don't know about physical intimacy. I don't always mean just straight to sex. But, I mean, I need touch or to be held or just be sitting close to you, talking to you, feeling affirmed by you and would like some of those words because that will bridge a gap for me emotionally if I feel like these other things are crumbling around me. And I need you to help me get back to center because if there's me and there's you and then there's us, right? And so if there's me and then you give me just this little thing I need, I feel like we're back to not only am I back to me, a better me because you helped me with that, but we're back to us. Okay. So when my partner fails to acknowledge how he feels about me and fails to understand why it's important to me or similar to the email example for the workplace, if he only partially responds or only responds when I complain about it, in my mind, my partner is dismissing me or I may jump to the conclusion he doesn't love me or I may jump to the conclusion he does not respect my needs and then I'll get this resentment going on. Why can't he just give me this one little thing? Which seems like a little thing, but it adds up. It becomes big things because those resentments, they pile up. But again, he may be completely unaware because I haven't found a way to express my ask or my request. See, back to the beginning, my original unpacking this whole thing was I realized it wasn't their problem. It both at the workplace and at home. It's my problem in my relationship because I don't know how to ask for what I want or what I need. So, okay. So, back to the challenge number two. If he can't give me this one little thing, again, like the other example, the challenge number one, my mind, these mental traps start again. I start imagining the worst. I start assigning blame. I start being critical in my head about the other person or worse, a really bad learning behavior of mine is to withdraw from my partner. I want to break up the relationship or I want to look somewhere else for the affirmation or the emotional connection that I need. I need that. I need those words. I mean, besides the actions, I need the words, the actual words. I want to know deeply, profoundly what I represent to you and significance I have to you in your life. Otherwise, I just don't feel like there's a commitment. I'm a casual whatever. It's like, oh, you're nice. Yeah, you're a good person. Well, I don't want to know that you think I'm a good person. I want to know why you love me. And I think we all need that. We all need to feel seen. I'm talking about the personal challenge number two. We all need to feel seen. We all need to feel truly known and truly understood. It is the one uniquely human, it's one of these unique qualities and features of being a human being is feeling seen and known and having those moments of pure connection on the planet with another human being in a very intimate way, which is like being plugged in. I felt like when I saw the movie Avatar the first time, the very first one. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but there's a scene in Avatar that a lot of people may be familiar with it where a human being and the aliens on this planet that the human beings are there to exploit, when they connect emotionally, they're like two different feces, which is kind of interesting, but they connect in a way that is universally powerful that shows that it's pure love regardless of anything between them. And that pure love feeds not just their connection, but in the movie the metaphor is the tree. And the tree in the middle of this beautiful movie is the tree that gives life and connection to all things. So when the people in Avatar, the person in Avatar connects with the other creature, you have the feeling in the movie that like the whole universe is connected and that it's this beautiful significance, the significance of what it means to be alive to me, right? So I'm using that movie because I remember having that feeling when I saw that movie and I thought if a filmmaker, and this is what 25, 30 years ago, if a filmmaker like James Cameron who made that movie can help me understand that there is a way to feel so connected to your lover that it's like connecting with the whole universe, I believe that. I believe there's power in that. I believe there's energy in that. I think it's possible. But only if, only if you can break these sort of unhealthy human tendencies to separate. And we have tons of them. We have tons of mental traps that we do that cause us to separate from other people. So I'm going to make another list like I did in challenge one. Excuse me. I am so dry this weekend here in Arkansas. I'm a little bit of a nasal thing. But anyway, when, okay, when you have a challenge like this, and I'm being long-winded again like I always am and thank you for hanging with me. I love it. So here's, here's, I'm telling storytelling. Yeah, these are my storytelling. I know you're a good listener and you're staying with me. But here's some common mental traps like the other ones we mentioned that, that people may jump to. I know sometimes I have. So I'm going to list the things I can think of. The mental traps are like the other ones. Seeing the other person as an adversary of someone who's uncaring. Now I'm talking about my lover in this case. Seeing them as narcissistic. Seeing them as bad at relationships or incompetent or bad at interpersonal communications. I'm labeling. I'm judging. I'm dumping all those things on again because I'm frustrated. I can see them as being disrespectful of me, of my time and my, you're breaking my time. I can see them as egotistical, arrogant, inattentive. I mean all kinds of, and before I said entitled. Yes, even entitled. All kinds of negative attributes. I could see them as aloof or distant or manipulative. I could see them as a cheater, someone who's not able to give me what I need. But because I'm not getting it from them, I may start to imagine that someone else is getting that from them. I mean people do all kinds of crazy things in their head. If they are not able to explain what they need from that person, and in my case, the case I'm using is I need to know how my partner feels about me in words. I need that affirmation occasionally. Please tell me. Give me those words. That's like life-giving, soul-giving, soul-nourishing, water or blood for me, okay? It just keeps me connected. Keeps me connected, keeps me happy, keeps me in the relationship, okay? And that's just one example. I mean there are others that I've identified what my particular needs are. It's not a huge list, but I feel like they're very, it's a very clear, very precise, you know, very easy to understand set of requests. So I just need to get better at expressing them. So again, I would ask our listeners, like as I was listing those mental traps, did anybody else have any other mental traps? Or we can even go, we could go back to the challenges. I'm going to list some of the challenges in intimate relationships that may cause frustration. Okay, so I said one of my main frustrations with my partner is that my partner doesn't tell me how he feels about me or why he values me, that kind of thing. Okay, so here's some others. What about when, and feel free to jot these down, what about, because I've got them in front of me, what about when your partner makes a remark that you receive or perceive as unhelpful or offensive? What about when your partner, similar to the workplace list, what about when your partner's not listening, interrupts you mid-sentence or walks away during a conversation? What about when, you'll notice these are very similar to the list before. What if, oh, here's a new one, though, his or her phone. Now, I'm going to stop there and say, by the way, your partner has a right to individual Your partner has a right to individual privacy of all kinds, and it is incumbent on both of you to create mutual trust and maintain healthy boundaries, but that's another topic for another day. I absolutely think that some people get upset when their partner's possessive of his or her phone, and possessive is the operative word, because if someone is naturally just wanting their privacy, they probably don't have anything to hide, and I know people think that if somebody gets overly possessive, they may have something to hide, but, again, you don't know what the truth is. You do not know what the truth is, so you can't jump to that thinking, thinking, and the minute you start to assume that your partner is up to the worst with, you know, or acting more possessive of their phone, then you'll start to try to break in, get their code, confront them, whatever, and that's a slippery slope. So, again, that's another topic for another day. That's not today. That's not what I'm here to talk about, but I'm talking about some examples. Your partner makes remarks that you think is offensive. Your partner's not listening or walks away. Your partner is possessive, or not even so possessive. Your partner is protective of their personal things in space. Let's make it just more generic. Here's another one. Your partner avoids the opportunity to discuss things better between you or becomes defensive when you express your desires. Okay. That's my list. And I don't know. I'm listening and we talked about on the example of going into number two, that challenge, that interpersonal, and your feelings of expressing himself. You know, you want him to express to you how he feels. Well, actually, he can't express it all. Okay? If he's not a person that is expressive of how he feels, how can he tell you how he feels about you, number one? And then the situation that, you know, we jump to the conclusion, you know, the possessiveness. What are you trying to hide? What are you trying to do? And I used to be the same way, so I know exactly what you're talking about, but through my work, so my inner work on me and working at it constantly every minute of the day, I pay attention to behaviors. I'm more of an observer than jumping to a conclusion. Of course, it comes into the mind, because that's the way it's done, too. You're human, and that's thinking. Thinking is just waiting to jump in on that first line, but then you have to pay attention to the behavior, your behavior also. I've been in situations with, you know how, I'll give you an example. Years ago, years ago, I was visiting my family, and my sister lives in, I think she's in Nebraska, and so it was a holiday, and she called, and she said, happy holiday to everybody but me, okay? I didn't say one word, so when I got back, I told her, and I said, I'm not going to do you like you did me. I said, I'm calling to wish you a happy new year, okay? And I said, I was there. I was there, and you, oh, I only thought you went in on a different kind of holiday. I said, no, I was there, so I left it alone, but I paid attention to it, and it was very painful, but I got through it, so when a daughter was getting married or something, of course you're going to get that invitation. You're going to get that invitation. I just said, I do not spend my money on people who don't think enough to think of me, and I didn't send a gift. That might have been the wrong thing to do, but it helped me through it, and that was years ago. So it's about, you have to do the adjustment. It's an end thing, because persons will deliberately fool you or make you feel bad. The important thing, if he don't express to you, and we all need that, that's why I do what I do. My philosophy teaches me that, and my happiness comes from within, and it's a skill to it. It's a lot of work, and you and I know we always talk about this, you know, our strengths, our weakness, our cure, all of that. But in my way, I know that my happiness comes from within, so if you don't tell me how you feel about me, I have to remember how I feel about me and keep it moving. Yes, that's all important. Well, that's all important, and I want to circle back and address some of the things he said. And I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying one place where our focus is different is you just said that sometimes people do deliberately behave in ways that hurt you, but I'm taking it from the position of don't automatically assume that they're doing something, because most people just simply aren't conscious. They aren't conscious. So I'm saying give them the benefit of the doubt, but we're not there yet. I haven't started on my counters or the list yet. I've got five things that I want to do, but one of them is that. But back up a little bit. I'm going to say just for the whole experiment today, unpacking this topic, then let's just reserve this place. Let's assume that most people just are not conscious of what they're doing. They're not fully conscious because they don't have the skill set. No one teaches us aware or how to do these things well. That's why we're talking about it at this level of detail. And you also, let me address something else you said. You said at one time you had the ability for that instance that you described to be the bigger person. A lot of times that's what I'm talking about is that we may have to rise above because we have done the work to understand what's going on and assume the other person hasn't done the work and is still bumping around and being unconscious about the damage or whatever, you know, about just not being good at it. But we're getting better at it because we're trying to. So when I say be the bigger person, what I really mean is recognize your own education in this area for having done some of the work, which you and I talk about all the time. But don't automatically assume that the other person is bad or lazy or whatever. They just don't understand how you can think like you do. But that's because you've taken a different path. I've taken a different path. I think a different way. I believe I think a different way than most people I know. But I don't automatically assume that they should have the same skills. If they are willing to work with me while I'm learning the skills and go through these learning exercises and try some of these things with me, I think we both can grow. But you went back and said you said about the personal thing. I think this is why so many like my boyfriend, you were saying about one of the problems that people have in their relationships and they give up and get divorced or break up or move on or cheat or whatever is because it may be true that the other person doesn't have the ability. But how do you know if the other person is willing to do it unless you invite them into again, this whole thing goes back to being able to ask for what you want or need. You can't just blame other people. You have to participate in helping make it happen for you and these other people if they are willing to go there with you or if you feel that they're worth investing the time in. And if you don't, then you move on. But again, I'm saying I can never be, and I said this at the very opening, I can never be the person who says it is what it is. I can't leave it there. I have to, if I love somebody or I feel an affiliation or if it's work and I want to, I enjoy working with them, I want to stay in that relationship with them. I want it to be fruitful. I want it to be harmonious. I want it to fill me with positive energy. Okay, so now let's get to the next. We've talked about the problem. What are the, when we have these challenges, we experience what I call mental traps. We fall into these mental traps. And if we are the person who can make the change, how in the world do we go about changing these mental traps or changing our mindset or trying new approaches to these frustrations or feelings when we encounter them? Here, get your control. Here are a couple of mindsets or approaches you may find helpful. Number one, I only have five. I only have five today. And here's what I'll do. I'll tell you what all five are, and then I'll go back and unpack them. Number one is going to be approach the other person not as an obstacle, and how much time do we have? Oh, go on. We're doing it. Don't worry. Just take it on. Let's take about 20 more minutes. So number one is approach the other person not as an obstacle, but as a problem-solving partner. Okay, and I'll go back and unpack it in a minute, but I'm going to do this short list now. Number two, automatically give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Suspend judgment if you can. Number three, turn your frustration into an ask, A-S-K. Number four, and again, we'll unpack these. I'll actually give examples. Number four is explain the reason for a request, even if you think it's obvious. Even if you think it's obvious. No, I'm not, no. Again, we're not going to talk about that one. I'm going to go back to it in a minute. Explain the reason for a request, even if you think it's obvious. And number five, listen and affirm anything that you can agree on. Okay, now let's go back and unpack each of these. Number one, so I was just talking about the, you know, communicating without blame. What are some things you can do to change your unhealthy mind trap that automatically sets you in opposition to people at work or people that you love? Number one, approach the other person not as an obstacle, but as a problem-solving partner. Okay, it's fairly common for people to mentally assign to other people some kind of character flaw, or we automatically assign a personality attribute, like that person's crazy, lazy, whatever, or an ability. Well, that person is just incompetent, right? Or that person's an idiot. Okay, so people jump to this name column in their head. If he just wasn't so lazy, or man, what a slowpoke, or she's not as bright as I thought she was, or she's never in her office. What does she do in her job? Or gosh, his desk is a mess. How does he get his work done? I mean, you know, so instead of labeling or judging the other person as lazy, slow, dumb, irresponsible, or disorganized, as in those examples, try to approach the other person as a problem-solving partner. Okay, this is funny because as I was unpacking this the other day, I found myself in an actual example. I went to the Toyota dealer service bay because I had this maintenance required warning light coming up, and I had gone to the auto store so they could diagnose it, and they run a little test, and they said, oh, it looks like it's your 12-volt battery. Nothing too serious on my Prius. So I go to the Toyota to have them look at the, you know, do I need a new battery for my Prius, the little battery, not the hybrid battery, because I already had that one replaced. But I walked into the service office at Toyota after I parked my car in the service bay, and I walk in, and all of a sudden I'm hit with this really strong smell of grease and lunch, and there was a whole bunch of lunch food waste on one of the two service desks in the shared office space when you walk into the service bay. And my first thought, again, the critical one was, oh, my gosh, how is this allowed? In a place where the public walks in, why has somebody cleaned up this mess? And it was only about one o'clock at the time. It was about one. It was a little bit after lunch. And one of those desks, the one that was so messy was empty, and the other one was where the service manager, like a little, you know, logistics guy was. But as soon as I thought that, oh, my God, this is awful, and started being critical of my head, I remembered what I was working on with this problem, and I thought, what can I do to make this person or these people my problem-solving partner, feel critical of them in my head? So I decided I was going to stay fixed on my goal because I needed them to help me troubleshoot that error code on my car. I needed them to help me set an appointment for service for when I'll be off work during the Christmas holiday. And so I'm sitting there thinking, I need these people as my problem-solving partner. This is what I said I was going to practice on instead of, you know, thinking, oh, my God, these guys are pigs. How can they let them do this in the workplace? And so I pushed aside that negative thinking that pops up first, and then it was funny because I, as soon as I pushed that negativity out, I realized that it wasn't even really a problem if there was half-eaten food, paper-wrapping bags, and smelly food scattered everywhere at Toyota. It wasn't my problem, right? So I let it go. Like, right away, I was like, okay, I could have really gotten negative there in my head. But instead of mentally judging this and being tempted by it or try to discount the people or think less of them or their abilities, okay, which is that old bad behavior we're talking about. I did the thing I've been working on, which is putting up, like, a stop sign in my head, a big red stop sign. It has one kind of visual that helps me. It is a visual, and it actually falls into cognitive behavior therapy. I took some therapy a couple of years back, and the CBT, you know, it's one of the things they said you could do. Oh, and my friend, Marianne Pearson, you've heard me talk about my professor friend, she does that. I think, no, not the CBT. It's the, Marianne told me she puts the stop sign in her head. So I think that's an effective tool, and I like to share that with people, too, because it's really visual. It really helps them. Or anything else. A lot of people, you know, will take a deep breath, or they may count to three, or they may, you know, do some kind of quick affirmation or meditation. So whatever it is to stop the stinking thinking, as we call it, number one, remember number one, can I think of this person as my problem-solving partner? I really want to think about this person, right? You're kind of asking yourself, or sort of willing yourself to think of them as your problem-solving partner rather than judge them. Okay. Number two, similarly. Automatically give the other person the benefit of the doubt. To spin judgment again. Okay. So this is interesting, because my boss, my current boss at my new job, the one in science and technology, you know, consulting, is, I've asked her what she does and how she does it. She said her number one rule about suspending judgment is to just really don't automatically jump to the conclusion that someone means something by the way they say it. And when you unpack that, here's how we talk about it. First, don't take things personally. Don't assume they mean you harm. Okay. So now back to my argument from earlier, Linda. Most people really aren't that careful about what they say. They don't take the time to consider how it can land on you. And why is that? Because these, what we're talking about today, are higher-level communication skills. That's why we're studying them. That's why we're breaking them down. Most people are not good at this. But that does not mean that their intentions are bad. Right, right, I agree. They quite possibly, right? They quite possibly have none. This may blow some people's minds. They quite possibly have none of the negative thoughts or traits that you are attributing to them in your opinion. Right. And yet you feel hurt by them. And that's because, same we do, we assign motive for them without knowing the truth. So my part of this, why do we torture ourselves this way? We feel horrible. The other person is oblivious to our feelings. And more than that, we are probably wrong about their truth or why they do things they do or why they said something. So all I'm saying is simply suspend judgment. Do not jump to conclusions or imagine the worst. Give the other person and yourself a break. Turn your frustration into an ask. Oh my God, this is so hard. You have to be clear and concise about your ask. You have to make your message as easy to consume as possible to reduce the chance of misunderstanding, to speed up projects or decision making, and to help others email it or texting. In long, detailed sentences, practice reducing your message down to its core meaning. Now, this is the hardest thing for me because look at how very, very verbal and in fact my own family calls me verbose. Look how much I can talk. But I try not to in emails at work. So while providing context is helpful, whether it's emailing or texting or speaking, it is when trying to communicate your idea. In other words, don't try to unpack so much. I always think people do better if they have context or if they have some background. Most people don't have time and really honestly cannot give the attention to the detail that you might like for them to. So I'm saying just be clear and concise. I'm saying that as much to myself as I am to anybody else. And then once you've done that, go for the ask. And what I mean by going for the ask is, ask at the very end of an email or text or whatever. Ask a very specific. You have a better chance of getting what you want by not making others read your mind or not by complaining or not by being resentful or blaming in your head, but by framing your request, I mean your complaint or frustration as a request. So number two is to simply ask. Don't fret. Don't imagine. Don't be frustrated. Just ask. Okay, number four, here's a technique about how to ask. Number four is explain the reason for a request, even if you think it's obvious. Okay, why? Okay, research in social psychology, in the field of social psychology, has revealed that many people respond more positively to explained requests than to unexplained requests. This is true even when the supposed explanation is obvious or doesn't actually explain much of anything. Okay, let me give you some examples. Here are two ways of expressing requests. Here's the first one. Will you please open the window? Here's the second one. Will you please open the window so that we can get some more fresh air in here? Okay, now there's no one. There's no one. May I please have a glass of water? May I please have a glass of water? I'm really thirsty. Mm-hmm. Here's one. Will you please answer the email I sent you this morning? Mm-hmm. Now listen to it another way. Will you please answer the email I sent you this morning? There are a couple of key decisions and opinions I need from you in order to meet my quarterly report deadline later this week. Mm-hmm. Okay, what did I do with those side by side? What did you do with them? You did the number two way of going in. I found it's a very effective way and to explain it my way, you know, how can I say this? There were things that I needed, you know, and I needed them and I needed them quickly. But I learned to do the number two. And I wouldn't go in and demand. I would say, you know, I'm really confused with this. Can you help me out? And then I would go on with what I needed, having what we call is a seeking spirit. You're mad as hell. You're mad and you need this stuff right now, today. But it's like I'm having a problem with this. Can you help me out? That opens up the door for you to put the reason why in there and you caught their ear. So then you go in and tell them what happens, but then you really putting it back on them. You're mad, but I get more. It's a philosophy. You get more bees with honey than vinegar. Okay, and you're right. Switching it to number two and seeing a reason just by saying close the door. Well, maybe they don't want the door closed. No, close the door. I see bugs flying in. That makes them kind of pay attention, right? Right. May I have a glass of water? Yeah. Yeah, you're demanding me. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Can you get me a glass of water, please? It's a trick of words. Words are very, words can hurt you or break you. And in our moments of going through that. That was really good, Linda, though. You showed the difference between one that sounded like a demand and then one that sounded like a true request. Yeah, yeah. Demand, nobody wants to be demanded. Nobody wants to, if there's a problem, they don't want to hear about their problem. They know they got a problem, but maybe they can't figure out what it is. And maybe you can't figure out what it is, but you don't attack it as a problem. You attack it as an issue that's an unbalancing, some balance. So say if you take a person that's addicted to whatever. Oh, and they're a drug addict and they're this. No, no, no, no, you don't know that. But if you make the statement, no, there's a chemical imbalance going through their system and their system is craving it. See how you turn it around? You might be feeling the same thing, but you can't tell an addict they're an addict because they don't want to hear that. And you get more ear activity, more listening activity. But I had to learn that because I'm a straight shooter. You know, I call it what I see. I call it what I see. But I had to come to understanding as I mature more. And I love people and dealing with different people. And we're all different. We're all different. No one is the same. That's why they call you an individual. That's why the word is there. So we can't figure it out. We're not this and we're not that situation. But they're not doing this. Well, they're just professionals. They know what they're doing. And sometimes I might say, well, whatever they're doing, they need to go back to school and learn how to do it a little bit differently because I don't see it. Or I might say, yeah, you're right. But have you ever thought of this? You know, we can work this out and it takes all of us to get it done. So what do you think? It's wording. It's moving. And if you're moving, it's a heartfelt conversation. Every day, every day I wake up because I know I'm direct. I know I'm direct. I know me very well. And every day, one of my affirmations is I will speak with a healing tone. Do you hear me? And whenever I find myself getting ready to fly, that's my stop sign. And I pull back and go in a different way because I don't have any approach of asking, telling, or doing. I don't have a problem. And letting you know what you should do, too. I don't have a problem with that. But most people don't like to take these things. You can't demand the person of anything. And there's also the sense that you're being confrontational because you are good at making requests or asking for what you need, are not good at it. Most people are not good at it. And I'm especially not good at it, which is why I'm looking at it. I've been frustrated and having difficulty in these relationships my entire life because I don't know how to ask for what I need. And I'm supposed to be in communication. So I think that we're getting better, you know. And what I've always admired about you, Linda, is that you do have that ability through your religious practice to, or spiritual practice, I should say, not religious, but to center yourself and your affirmations are affecting your character from the inside out and that you're very focused on the big picture of you at the core rather than, like, what I'm trying to do is break down these things in my head, which there are also spiritual issues. There are also spiritual issues. But for me, the way I learn is, you know, I mean, I wish I had the spiritual practices that you have the ability to change myself from the inside out just by exercising those techniques. But I end up doing this instead, which, because it's the way I'm wired, sit here and intellectualize and analyze the dang thing based on something that happened and trying to unpack it in a way that I can literally give words to it and understand how, like, what the process is. Like, I'm the little fix-it person, but with words, you know. And so I have number five for you. So we're still unpacking that. We have just a few more minutes. So to recap the list of mindsets or approaches you can use to create, to communicate better and without blame. One, approach the other person not as an obstacle, but as a problem-solving partner. Number two, automatically give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Suspend judgment if you can, excuse me. Number three, turn your frustration into an ask. Number four, explain the reason for a request, even if you think it's obvious. And number five, and let's unpack this one real quick, listen and affirm anything that you can agree on. Okay, this is really hard. How do you listen and affirm, really, anything you can agree on? How do you do this? Here, you know, here's a couple of ideas. And I'll put this in the blog and, you know, since we're talking about it, it'll be written too. I've made some notes. Make a goal to learn what the speaker thinks and feels, not to change what the speaker thinks and feels. Hello, America. Make the goal to learn what the speaker thinks and feels, not to change what the speaker thinks. Okay, that's the first thing. Pay special attention to the speaker's feelings. And if you are physically in front of them, pay attention to their body language, the nonverbal cues. Aim to understand what the speaker means, not just exactly what they say. And it's counterintuitive because most of us go, well, what you said. But people, again, are not good at this. They're terrible communicators in work and at home. And so aim to understand what the speaker really means, not the words they just said. So here are some positive – here are, again, some phrases because a lot of times what we do in these classes and webinars is that we just kind of give some examples so people can try using these. So here are some positive ways you can respond or demonstrate affirmation or agreement. So here's one. What I hear you saying is – here's another one. I sense that you feel – or, number three, it seems like you feel – so these are like the little lead-ins for, you know, the way you can approach this, okay? And here's another one. These are like when you might, like, let people know that you share these values with them. So you might say something like this. I sense we share the desire to do what is right here. I appreciate your honesty. And that's very – boom. That's very affirmative and letting them know I appreciate that you're honest. That's something I value. I am the same. I want honesty. Okay. Here's another one. Here's an example I've seen in life. It seems that we both care deeply about our children or their behavior, okay? Here's another one. Seem to agree that X, whatever. And let's say that X is like a value, something – a moral thing that is happening in the world or in our region. We both seem to agree that X, whatever that X is. So those are shared values affirmations. And then another one is I agree with you what you said about – I agree with what you said about doing what you can to change it. You know what I'm saying? So that – so you have to fill in the blanks, but these are some of the prompts. What I hear you saying is I sense that you feel. It seems like you feel. Or I sense that we share this or I appreciate that or it seems that we both agree about or we both seem to agree on this value or that value or I agree with what you said about blah, blah. So see, those are some good phrases to try to practice and to put in your vernacular. So for me, we've gone our full hour to think. So I would say that sums it up for me. And I would say for me as a wrap-up, if you – this topic of communicating without blanks, if you are clear in your communication and figure out what and how to ask rather than to blame or complain or feel frustrated and assign something negative in your head. And the other summation is focus on the actions you want to take and the actions you want others to take. And so I would say refer back to numbers two, three, four, and five above. And that will make more sense when that's on the blog page so that people can see it listed out like that. But that's what I had. And I had a couple of really, really good thoughts too about just kind of assessing what someone's state of mind might be like. Oh, they could be going – like give people a break. Step back a bit. You don't know what they might be going through. And then you also were talking about people's ability. Maybe don't assume that they're holding up on you. They may really not know what to do. You might actually be helping somebody, you know. And then the third thing that you said was that do you care? Like if you are looking at that person and they are stymieing you or it's getting frustrating, you know, you want to – you need to know if they care and you need to know if you care because honestly that's what we're talking about is am I going to work? Do I care enough about this relationship or this exchange or this project that we're working on to stay in this harmonious place with you by being able to improve our communication together? And whether that's a work relationship or a personal relationship, what it really comes down to is the caring and the willingness to do it. And then also hopefully if you want to improve it with the person, I mean you do what you can but that if you can get that person to step into it with you and agree to work on some of these things together, you know, because you're going to hit frustration after frustration after frustration. But you can't keep doing the same – they can't keep doing the same things, assuming the same things. It helps to just do the hard work of learning – of asking people to do it better with you. Oh, it's so hard and I get so tired. And it's probably why I have a job where I don't have to interact with a lot of people and why I only have one or two real friends in my life because it's just so hard to work on these very difficult communications and confrontations. It takes a lot of energy. But like I said at the beginning, Linda, I want to keep doing it with the people that I love because I don't want to not be in a relationship. I don't want to be to the point where I say, well, this is what it is and I just retreat into my little hole and I just don't give it a lot of effort, you know, and I also don't want to go out there and hurt other people. I don't want to hurt other people by being an asshole. Well, that's why you're the life coach. And in order to speak life, you have to live life. And I have this note in front of me every day. The opposite of living is failing to live. That's your quote. And I look at it every day. So it's always a work in progress. Oh, I forgot that I said that. No, you said it. And you brought that back. You brought that back so beautifully, though. Gosh, you brought that back so beautifully. You're absolutely right. We are staying in it. We are living. We are consciously and intentionally choosing to stay in this because it's too important. Well, you only have one shot at this. That's it. How are you going to learn? Life is like going to the gym. And we go to the gym every day. We build our muscles. And we build. And my philosophy, my mentor, Dr. Kater, always reminded, we can make the impossible possible. Because when we're going through these things, it seems like it's impossible. But it depends on you. And that's why I always say, when you see, you can't change anybody. We can't change anybody. They are who they are. They do what they do. And they have. But when you change, it changes. Meaning, not changing, hiding out, pulling away. Sometimes you have to step away. If it's toxic, you got to go. Because it is energy. And you don't need that in your life. But you work on it. You take it all the way to the end. You exercise every option that there is out there. Just because something doesn't work at 12 o'clock, don't throw it away at 2 o'clock. See what you can do at 1 o'clock to make it better for 3 o'clock. You continue to go. You work. You work. But I'm in agreement with you. Work as partners. And it's all about the ask, why this? Why that? And a lot of people don't want you to ask them anything. But we are skilled enough. And we've gone through enough. And we've lived enough to understand to go in a different way if we care. See, the problem is the compassion and the care. So whether you don't just run to a situation to try to fix it. You can't fix anybody else's stuff. But you can analyze and non-assumption to anyone, you or yourself. It's all an inside job. But when you said that, I'm looking at this sign here that I keep in front of me on a daily basis. The opposite of living is failing to live. So life is what it is. That's why you're in the life coaching. Each time you talk with someone, it builds your muscles up. And it makes you go back. I love having you on here because we're open. We tell the story. We're out there running, you know, hopefully. And I'm not going to say hopefully. I know that this is very helpful to listeners out there, whether they comment or not. Everybody can speak up. Some people listening, you don't even know they're listening. But we know that they're listening. And you coming on, I love the segment. I love having you on, Professor Berg, because you're talking to us about life, not just our life, your life, my life. People need to hear. So my last statement on this will be we know how to make the impossible possible. But it's a process. It's a working process. And it's never ending. But each time you move to that next notch, you're able to stand up like a redwood tree. And it makes you think. I appreciate you so much. And thank you for giving me my recognition because I work hard on it. But you know, my statement is the eight winds out there, and I'll mention it. It's prosperity, decline, degrace, honor, praise, center, suffering, and pleasure. Those are eight winds. And when you get into yourself and strengthen up those muscles, you will not allow yourself to be blown by the eight winds. You will not be blown like a tree on a tree branch. You'll be able to stand firm. But it's a working process. It's an in and out thing. It's very, very hard to do. And each scenario is totally different, especially the word individual comes in there. We can't do nothing about them. But we can do something about us. And once you start doing something about you, your units, that's your word too. Once you step into your units, I'm speaking to the listeners, not you because you tell me this. Once you step into your units, you see a whole new ballgame. So I'm going to close out with Professor Berry. We are the sun out here. We are wish-granting jewels. We don't worry about what they're doing or what they're not doing. We worry about the way we want it to go. And that's why I use that word, wish-granting jewels. Keep that in mind. It's up and it's down, but it can be done. We can make the impossible possible. I'm going through it right now. We'll not go naked on the neighborhood. I will talk to you about it. But I'm experiencing quite a bit of stuff here that I have to sort out. But because I know that I'm a wish-granting jewel, it'll go the way I want it to go. Do you hear where I'm going with that? That's that stubbornness. That's that determination. That's working on me in and out. And remembering the opposite of living is failing to live. And that's my statement. We love you. Have a wonderful day. I will be speaking with you. And I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is Professor Karen Burr. Nice coach. And could you give us your website, please? You know, we always talk and we forget to tell people that. Get in touch with you. Okay. It's KarenBurr.com, K-A-R-E-N-B-E-R-G-H.com. And a little pop-up will come up on the website and you can get 30 minutes for, I think I have it for sale for $30, just to talk with me to see what issues or problems or things you might even just want to talk about that you think a life coach like me could help with.