Episode 2 (raw recording)

We can also call this the awkward podcast, the awkward, the awk-cast, the awk-cast, awk-cast, awk-cast, awk-cast, awk-cast, um, I'm going to get comfy here real quick, I think that's important for conversations, oh yeah. It's already 11.44? What happened? Last night we started it later. We did? Way later. I looked at the clock earlier and it was 11.11 or whatever, 11.30 or something like that, before we started, I was like, wow, it's like not even that late. Huh. Ah, yeah. Tell me about yourself. Well, the first thing about me, the most immediate thing, is I think I'm probably going to reposition the mic. Yeah. Well, because I'm over here now, yeah. Yuck. Okay. Well, actually, I just wanted to say, I know I say this all the time now, but after hearing your drumming today, with no warm-up, just getting into it, I am so impressed. I mean, we used to kind of kid and chide you, well, maybe not always directly to your face. You didn't kid that you thought I was saying shit about my musical ability. Yeah, I mean, we had a pretty good reason at the time, like not to say it to your face, but like to, you know, like when talking about it with other people, like just, like your drumming didn't exactly have, well, what do you call it, rhythm? But that's, like that said, that makes it even more impressive that you came from that, you were like kind of almost stuck in one place for a little bit, and came from that to what you do now. Yeah, and, yeah. It showed you right up, didn't it? Yeah. It showed you right up, didn't it? It did, it did show me right up. Michael's still complaining, he still says you play too loud. It's drums. They're gonna be loud, but like, the timing's there, the rhythm's there, it's all there now. Also, I apologize if this is embarrassing at all, but if you need to use an inhaler at any point. Oh, I just have something in my throat. Oh, okay, cool. I think I'm, the inhaler won't really help, I just have warnings and stuff. Ah, I see. Oh, good, yeah. I just wanted to be on the podcast with that, I get it. Well, I just want, I also want to make sure that you're feeling comfortable, too. Oh, yeah. Do me a favor, though, fucking, since I didn't see you wanted an orange. Ah, no, I'm good, thank you. I'll take them both, then. Cool. Let's bring this over here for me. Oh, but yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not embarrassing, I know I have asthma. Cool, cool, I was diagnosed with asthma as a kid, but I do not currently exhibit symptoms. In fact, I have really powerful lungs now. I take the longest weed hits out of anyone I know, except for maybe Nathan. Now, well, okay, he can take the biggest, but I cannot anymore. My tolerance is so low, because I don't smoke very often at all, especially not during the daytime. Every single time I smoke weed during the daytime, I regret it. So, I found out it's best for me not to do it. Jujitsu will help with your lungs. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wish I just had the free time to do it more than once a week. I don't know if I've been doing it once a week sometimes. Like, I've had to skip a couple times in the last month, I think. But, that's okay. Have you ever thought about going to a gym, like a kickboxing or a jujitsu gym or something? I have not thought about it at this point. Because that would get you in the routine of going every day, because you have to get in your car, you have to drive yourself, you have to be there, you know. Yeah, that is definitely a not-yet thing for me. Yeah, it'll get better. I don't really even know if that's what I would want to do. No, not necessarily that. I mean, jujitsu is fun and all. It reminds me of back in the days of wrestling in high school. It's like, one day I was there, relatively new. Well, I'm still relatively new to it. But, I was there, and I just got done with... See, I don't even know what you call it at this point. I got done with a roll. Like, I got done rolling with someone. And I was like, whoo! You know, like, wow, I had almost forgotten that you can produce dopamine naturally. That's crazy. Yeah, that's really one of the only ways that I get massive amounts of... That's one of the only ways I get a rush in my everyday life. Like a real rush, or like a happy rush, like a dopamine rush? Like both. Yeah. And without drugs. I mean, sometimes to get myself out there, I have to take fenugreek earlier in the day. I have some fenugreek, and it's a GABAergic. It's like a, I mean, not necessarily over-the-counter, but you can order it online. Okay, like a supplement. Yeah, essentially, but it's not something that you can take every day. And it's not natural? No. Yeah. You'll have a very bad time if you take it every day. Yeah. It'll... Essentially, you get some of the same side effects that you'd get from taking a benzodiazepine every day. Like, i.e., that's redundant, cannot speak. Let me take a drink. You get some of the same side effects as a benzo. Like Lamex, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium, etc. So that means, like, if you stop taking it, I think this one can actually be dangerous to your health, if you're on it, dependent on it, and you stop taking it. But also, it gives you the worst anxiety ever, because it helps with anxiety while you're on it. Like, considerably helps with anxiety. When I first started taking it, I felt like it made me a social god. I mean, I knew everything to say, had all the best timing, didn't get awkward. I could just walk into a room and talk to people and not care what they thought of me. It was insane. And then, continue to take it. I've been taking it for years now. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of grams of it. But, yeah, now at this point, it's like, it does something. It definitely does something, but really just quells some of the stronger anxiety. And it almost makes me, like, I don't take it every day, of course. But when I do take, like, the most that I'll take it is, I skip days. I skip days, so I'll take it every other day at the most. If I take it two days in a row, then I have to skip more days. Because otherwise, the withdrawals are just so terrible that it's not worth it. Yeah. Luckily, I can control myself. Yeah. But back to the jiu-jitsu thing. You said it releases dopamine. Yeah. That's the only real way you feel like a rush. Do you think that that rush, that dopamine hit from doing jiu-jitsu, and I know you guys run when you go to your jiu-jitsu practice, whatever you call it. What would you call it, a practice or a get-together? I know you do it at someone's house. Yeah, I don't really even know what we call it. People say it's a tumbling get-together. Or not tumbling, tumbling. It's a tumbling gymnastics. Yeah. We get Eli in a leotard, no? Mm-hmm. But when you do that, do you feel, because I know for me when I do physical exercise, I feel my anxiety go away. Mm-hmm. Even afterwards for several hours. Do you feel that way when you're done with your rolling? Like maybe even after just like one match? Especially during and like directly after. Yeah. Then I feel it helps a lot with anxiety. Yeah. And the reason I mentioned frenemy, that's just to get there. When I'm rolling, there's only one thing you can focus on in that moment. Pinning that person. Well, it's actually making them submit. Oh, I submit. Yeah. Pinning would be something like wrestling. Yeah. But you just, like the main objective essentially is to make them tap or pass out or just to where they can't continue on. I think that's what it is or all the objectives. That's an effort, yeah. Yeah. So, like, what do you do? We do an hour? Yeah. An hour a week? Mm-hmm. So, in my past, I've been out of physical activity and working out for a while. In my past when, I struggled with anxiety really bad too and I'm on medication for it. But when I would go to the gym and when I would mountain bike and when I would run, I used to run, you know, five plus miles. I have asthma, so five plus miles in 100 degree weather is a lot. It is a lot. I'm surprised you didn't, like, pass out. Well, I used to have a sub six minute mile. Wow. So bad. But when I was at that top physical shape of my life, I was so much happier. I was doing it every day. There was never a time where, like, I would go to school, right? And then I would ride my bike after school on the trails until it was, like, dinner time. And then after dinner, I would go to bike practice because I rode with a team. And I would have a spin class in the bike shop basement or whatever. Spin class, nice. But we were, like, gunning it. And we did, I mean, I felt like I was always soaking sweaty and I was just getting it. And when I was doing that, I slept better. I interacted with people better. I interacted with girls better. I was nicer. I never had that, like, tight, like, I can't take a deep breath. You know, I never had that, I can't get a full breath of long, full air, full breath of, full lung breath, whatever you call it. A full breath of air in my chest. Until I stopped doing it. Thank you for reminding me about breathing because I was not remembering to do that so well. Actually, I'm going to move that speaker. I feel like it's going to fall off at some point. Oh, thank you. No problem. I encourage you to just do something physical everyday. Physical labor is different. It took me a long time to realize that. But when I was in high school, I did physical labor on the side to make money. But then I would do all these physical activities outside, kayak, run, hike, mountain bike, workout, whatever. There's a difference between physical labor and physical exertion from working out because you want to or because you know you have to. But doing it to make money, there's a stress there. Right. You want to work out to relieve stress. You don't want to work out just to make money. I always thought because when I started working construction is when I stopped working out. Oh. That's why I'm getting out of construction. I don't work construction anymore. I'm a woodworker because I can't do it for 8 to 10 hours a day breaking my back just to think I'm getting a workout. Yeah, I was starting to get a six pack. I was in really good shape when I was framing but never felt as good, was never as mentally and physically strong. We're talking anxiety, depression, all that stuff gone than I was when I was lifting weights. Okay. Or when I was riding my bike. Hmm. I know there's times I could ride. I would go on 50 plus mile bike rides and then end it with a 10 mile hike. Wow. Wow. That's something I was capable of with asthma and when I was doing that. Yeah. When I was doing that, I was on top of the world, man. Dopamine levels spiked. Anxiety is at an all time low. I was getting off some of my medications I think even. I was outside breathing fresh air. I was closer to nature. It's such a better thing to do it every single day. I did it every single day. Like I said, I'd come home, ride my bike, and then I'd eat dinner. Then I'd go to a spin class or a trail ride with the Canvas Viking Sport Team. Then I would race on the weekends. Oh. I was always getting it. I encourage you to do that. Okay. Because if you're doing one hour a week, that's one hour you get that dopamine hit. Your anxiety is gone for that hour, right? Maybe 35 minutes to 40 minutes afterwards depending on how physical the activity is and how good it made you feel. Then it's right back to hell. Yeah. Right back to hell. No, for real. I've been in a pretty rough spot lately. Yeah. Yesterday felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. Seeing that video, apparently this has been in development for a while. Disclaimer, I'm not going to talk about this for very long, but I do feel the need to bring it up a little bit. There is technology in development now. It has been. Oh, hi there. Hello. Konnichiwa. Gozaimasu. Oh, wait a minute. Is it morning or noon or what? It's... Or something like that. Yeah, it's noon. We're recording a podcast right now, so don't mind us. But, yeah, there's... Who's that at? That's her grandpa. That's Grandpa Doug, everyone. Yep. Anyway, there's technology being developed right now for artificial wounds, and it's pretty scary. It put me in a really difficult spot. Love you, Grandpa. Bye, Grandpa Doug. I love you. It's getting near. It's all right. I shouldn't say Grandpa Doug, because I call my other grandpa Grandpa, and I feel like it's disrespectful to call him Grandpa Doug, because it's like, I almost make it feel like a... Even when we were younger, me and my wife would refer to him as Grandpa Doug. That's true. But, as I've gotten older, I just call him Grandpa, especially since he lives with me. So, like, they moved in with us, and I've lived with them for a year and a half, maybe two years now or something, and he's just become Grandpa. Mm-hmm. But, like, I usually do, too. Yeah, the thing is, too, like, I've always been closer to my dad's side of the family than my grandparents over there. Right. They've always lived 15 minutes away. But me, Mom, and Grandpa Doug have always lived an hour away and longer, you know. Mm-hmm. That's true. So, like, it was always kind of, like, me, Mom, Grandpa Doug, and then, like, Grandma and Papa, you know, like, here. But it's changed as they've moved. Yeah. It's just, I didn't love them any different. It's just how it was. Mm-hmm. I guess I should say a couple of reasons why I think that that new technology is so scary and just absolutely revoltingly disturbing. One, if you have a child that's raised inside of a synthetic tube, essentially, that's a motherless child that doesn't even have the experience of, I mean, I know you don't remember that experience of being in the womb, but there's a connection that's formed with a mother in the womb, and that's a connection to humanity, essentially. That's your first connection to humanity. You're not human if you're born in a tube. Well, you're not the same kind of human. You're a cyborg or whatever, but you're not human. You're like a mix. Right. You're artificial. Yes. To some degree, you're artificial. Yeah. And, you know, who is going to be, like, actually raising these babies? Who wants them, right? Well, I don't, you know, I think it will be used for that, but also it seems like one of the first thoughts that I had was that would be a really great way to, not great, but you know what I'm saying, that would be a really great way to raise a clone army. I think you could use this a little bit. Blanket? I'm way too blanky. There you go. I see a little. I'm just jittery because I'm cutting down on nicotine. Oh, okay. That was anxiety. But that would be a way to raise a clone army. I mean, like, I think Star Wars predicted it. I think there's just going to be, at some point, some company is going to create legions of, and this is totally a, you know, it's almost in conspiracy theory territory, but legions of super soldiers, you know, with genetic engineering. So combine genetic engineering, like CRISPR, with the artificial womb technology, and there you go. You just create humans, like human cyborgs that are intended for killing. Can I give you some advice? What? First off, what do you spend most of your day doing? Like, what do you do every day? I guess it depends. I do a lot of work on computers. What do you mean by work on computers? Hardware, software? Mostly software. And, like, I have been getting more into the writing side of things now. Coding? Yeah, well, I have been doing some coding and web design, and, like, web design projects for people. But I have strayed away from that a little bit. I'm also doing now a lot of manual labor because, you know, my dad is getting older. Yeah. And his bat can't handle two acres. Yeah. And, you know, he just can't handle taking care of the property anymore, so that falls on me. And I, you know, I have to, I really truly hate it, but I have to spray blackberries and, you know, all that, whatever needs to be done. So, manual labor, computer work. How much of your day does that take up? Too much. Okay. How many hours? It totally varies. I have such bad time management. Okay. I don't have time management skills. I get distracted on things, and I get distracted talking to people for so long. Like, I'll get— That's ADHD, and I have it, too. Mm-hmm. Boy, I'll tell you that. Mm-hmm. Stay off the Internet. Like, reading things, like, you've got to use some kind of judgment. I'm not saying you're not. Mm-hmm. But, like, when I go—like, I don't ever read news at all, because I just let whatever happens is going to happen. Mm-hmm. That's a hard thing for people, a hard pill for people to swallow nowadays, and still let whatever happens happens, because you're not in control, you know? Mm-hmm. You're in control of you, how you react to whatever happens to you. Okay, you can't control how this person reacts, this person's choice, what happens to them, what happens to society— Mm-hmm. —unless you're God. How can I help other people stay informed, and how can I make informed decisions without information? Do you need to make a decision on artificial wounds? Either or, I'm getting that. I would like to make sure that people know what's going on. So— Because I can't— Does it disturb you to watch it, like you said earlier? Yeah, I didn't—I couldn't even finish the video. So— But I didn't—I wasn't looking up stuff like that. I wasn't even— Oh, I just scrolled by it? This was in—like, I found this out in an AI newsletter— Okay. —that I was subscribed to. So— I don't know how to explain it. Like, the judgment you've got to use is like— we talked about a servant mindset before we got on the podcast. Mm-hmm. It's— I have no idea what that was. Oh, well. Stay tuned. But the servant mindset is you can help people all you want, but don't let it hurt yourself. Yeah. Because if things are disturbing your brain even a little bit— Mm-hmm. —those are things that are going into your brain that may not influence you right away, but the more you put that in your brain— Mm-hmm. —the more—it's not going to influence you to act a certain way specifically, but it may influence you to think a certain way. Oh, yeah. And they go, well, what's going on now? What's going on now? Like, the reason I don't focus on, like— For example, when I was not on good terms with my salvation, with Christ— Mm-hmm. —and I was getting all these, like, the world's going to blow up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, what do I do? I get off social media. Mm-hmm. Because this was all on social media. There's all these people, and I started liking different things and paying attention to different things, and then my algorithm changed on Facebook, and I started getting more positive stuff. Positive stuff. And so, what I'm saying is—what am I trying to say here? So, like, garbage in, garbage out, I guess is the best way to put it. Yeah, yeah. So, if you put garbage in trying to help people, you're going to help people in a garbage way. That's a fair point, yeah. Because also, like, me, if you put that in your newsletter, I'd unsubscribe right away. Mm-hmm. I don't want to see that. Well, actually, I put—it was the only thing that I put in my newsletter where I turned off the preview and said, this is disturbing, watch at your own risk. Yeah. Like, and I really stressed that point. Like, this is something I feel is important to know. No, people don't listen to that. There's—as I'm writing on Facebook, just click on it. I'm going to watch it because that's what our human, our monkey brain is. We want to see whatever we can see, you know? Mm-hmm. But, like, I'm sure your dad doesn't want to see that. I'm sure your mom doesn't want to see that. Nathan may find it interesting, but Kyle, you can see, probably doesn't want to see that, you know? Like— I disagree with that. Really? I think that's something that he would want to at least know about. Well, know about, but not watch out. See, the other thing you can do is find ways to post it without it being, like, exactly what you saw. Because if what you saw disturbed you, do you want to disturb the mind of someone else? I don't think that—it depends on the person, I think. Okay. He's a lot better put together than I am. Like, he's a lot less doomer than— What about your mom and dad? Well, my mom is—you know, she has her faith, like you do. Yeah. Like, she already knows about this. Okay. And she was, like—I forgot what she said. It was something like—I think she said, My God is bigger than anything, something— It was a Bible verse. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. I don't know what she was talking about. I can't remember exactly what it was. I think it was in Philippians or something. But yeah, I know what she was talking about. And your dad? My dad, I would never show that to him. Well, maybe not necessarily just from that, but he doesn't need to see any more disturbing things. He's already dealing with enough, and it wouldn't help him in any way. He wouldn't want to do anything about it. There would be literally no positivity that would come from showing him that. Yeah, so— He's more focused with what's in the general vicinity, like locally. I mean, my mom, too, to some degree, but also not so much. But I wasn't, like— Well, what it sounds like to me is you have two people that are very important, because you may not always get along with your parents, but they're always going to be your number one supporter, no matter what. So if you want this newsletter to grow, don't put things in your newsletter that are going to put off people that are going to be your number one supporters. Well, I— Like Nathan Krebs is a colleague, because I may kind of look at it, like, yeah, that's all right, whatever, it's gross, but it's not like something that disturbs me. But other people that are going to be your number one supporter— I would say I'm one of your top supporters, probably, because you're my family. But, like, you want to make sure that those closest to you are taken care of the most. I don't want—like, this, for me, isn't— like, I'm not taking a growth over information mindset. I want—like, first and foremost, I want to stay true to who I am and let people know—like, I have included plenty of— I mean, it's a pretty short newsletter, but I've included plenty of fun stuff in there, positive, happy things, but also, by the same token, like, I don't—this isn't— I mean, there is a lot going on right now that people need to know about or else we're screwed. Like, if— What can we do about it? We can let other people know and— But what can we all do about it? We can—well, arguably, we can vote, but also we can put our money in the places where it will best serve what we feel is best. Now, it's really hard when you're a part of the 99%. It's really difficult to combat, you know, the whim of or the will of the 1%, but there—it's possible. There's a lot of great minds out there, and, you know, sometimes we may not know what to do personally, but if you have faith in—any faith in humanity at all, you'd feel that there is someone who can do something about it. Okay. So if I share something with someone and they know someone share it with them and they know someone share it with them, you know, down the chain, there could be someone who has the idea for something that can be done. Okay. But if nobody knows about it, if everyone tries to, you know, keep it out of their minds, then nothing can happen. Nothing can possibly happen. You can't shelter yourself from reality. You can't. And, like, it's very difficult for me to hear these things and see these things. It's taxing on me mentally, but I think the key is not to completely push away anything that's disturbing, but to moderate just like you would with anything else. Okay. Now, if you want to completely push away disturbing things, that's your thing, and that's cool if you want— That makes you weak. No, it doesn't make you weak. No. It makes you weak to those things because you can't handle the scene. I suppose in that sense, but it doesn't make you a weak person. No, I never said it makes you a weak person. Yeah, okay. If you're weak, that could be a broad topic. If you're a weak person, you'd be weak-minded to those things. Really, I mean, it means you're sensitive to those things. There is a difference. There is a difference between weakness and sensitivity. But, I don't know. Of course, I care about growth, but if I wanted to pander to the masses, I'd be doing a lot better growth-wise. I know I would. For instance, I try my absolute best to stay off of centralized platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I don't do a very good job on the Twitter one because in the tech space, Twitter is still really important at this moment. Well, I mean, it's not as important as it was, but I try to keep to the platforms that are the most owned and controlled by the people as opposed to big corporations who have big corporation agendas. You know, Facebook is controlled. It's completely controlled by money, essentially. I don't mean to specifically pick out Facebook, but that's just the one that came up. If they want to suppress any information on there, which just so happens to be, oftentimes, just so happens to be the information I want to push. If they want to suppress information, then they do it. There are literally names that you can't say on Facebook or else you get banned. I'm not even saying anything about the person. You automatically will get banned from Facebook or blocked for 30 days or whatever if you mention a specific name. There are cheats. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Intrude. There's one guy. I am blanking out on his last name right now, and the whole story behind him, I don't know enough to speak on it, but there's a guy with the first name Eric, and if you said his name on Facebook, you'd get banned, and that was actually proven. That happened, and it's happened in various other places. What did he do? That's what I'm saying. I don't know well enough. Regardless, that is an affront to free speech. Okay, I see. I see. A lot of people feel differently about free speech and even what that means. You can say whatever you want. Well, yeah, I think for me it has a lot more to do with letting the individual groups or letting more people decide what is acceptable and not having a centralized entity that controls what. Like, there's not one form of morality. There's not one idea for ethics. Otherwise, there wouldn't be so many differently thinking philosophers over the years. You know, there's so many different ways to think about things and so many nuanced and valid opinions on what is right and wrong. There's so many different religions that are all valid in their own right and invalid in... Well, I mean, they're all valid, but people will have different opinions about... One person will swear by their own religion, and that's the way for them, and that's awesome. You know, if you find something that speaks to you and helps you in your life, then I would 100% support that. People have their own worldviews. So many different worldviews now. It's just so fragmented. You know, there's the people that believe in the... This is almost a religion at this point. There's the people that believe in the left-right or Republican-Democrat binary, and they actually feel as though people can be categorized into essentially two main groups, and one group feels this way about all these different individual ideas, and the other group feels this opposing way about all these different ideas. But in reality, that's just a... It's made up. It's not... Well, really, when you step back a little bit, it's all made up, but... Everybody is going to be different, and everybody's ideas are just as real to them in their heads as your ideas are to you and my ideas are to me. So I feel that it's important to hear everyone out equally, share how you feel, and then people can, using their best judgment, figure out what speaks to them and what works for them, what helps them, and what makes sense to them. So if you are to ban information just from surfacing, people aren't... They don't even have the ability to make their own decisions about it and form their own opinions on it. And on centralized platforms like Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, etc., if information gets suppressed, then... I mean, maybe the platforms aren't worthless, but they certainly are a whole lot less accurate and enlightening than being on somewhere where everyone can just say how they feel, say what they believe, and you can follow someone if you want, you can unfollow them, you can decide what kind of... Well, based on... It also has a lot to do with algorithms themselves, but for the most part you can decide what kinds of things you want to see and what kinds of things you want to let into your life. But that shouldn't be, in my opinion, decided by something, an organization that is controlled largely by money. That's... I know I really got into that one, but it's something I feel really passionately about. And I guess this goes back to... I'm maybe not okay with seeing things that are disturbing to me, but I would go absolutely mad if I went the other way and blocked everything out, because you're never going to be able to block everything out. If you try to block everything out for an extended period of time and then something slips through, you're not going to be the same amount of prepared as you would be, because it just evolves as time goes on, the kinds of issues that we're facing, they seem to evolve as time goes on. And for me, if I feel like I can do something about it, even if I'm disturbed by it, it gives me hope. Sometimes I'll hear something or see something, and it will completely annihilate all hope that I have. But that's also temporary. I should be in counseling right now. I'm trying to get into counseling. I just sent a message to a counselor yesterday. Unfortunately, the insurance that I'm under does not support them, so I'd have to be paying out of pocket, which is not going to work right now. There might be something that I can work out with the insurance. I don't know their out-of-network policies, but I digress. I feel like I just talked for a very long time. It's all good. That's probably about 45 minutes of just Eli. No, not that long. No, look at my iPad right there. Look at the black thing. No, no, tap it. Tap it. I was like, I'm not seeing what... Oh, yeah, it's 12-28. 45 minutes of Eli talking. No, I'd say about 15. 15? Yeah. Okay. 15 at the most, unless my perception of time is just way off. Okay. Which is... Likely, it could happen. Yeah, it could happen. It could definitely happen. I don't even know where we'd go from there. I guess silence. That's probably the most sane thing. But I don't know, what are... Do you have any thoughts on that off the top of your head? That's too much for me, then. That's okay. I was trying to retain it all, and I'm like, nope. You're going to be like... I really try not to get preachy with that. You should get preachy sometimes, because you're trying to spread... Just trying to spread something for people to know. The only way for people to know things is to preach it. If you believe in it wholeheartedly, you will say whatever needs to be said, and how much needs to be said, to get the point across. That can be a lot all at once. It can be a little bit here and there. It can be a lot over a long period of time. Whatever it is, if you believe in it, don't cut the ties on it. Say whatever you need to say for it, because... I wasn't trying to pick at you. I was trying to pick your brain at the top. I was trying to understand where you're getting at with putting your brain and your mental health... Not mental health, but torturing yourself mentally a little bit in order to help other people. That's also part of a servant mindset. The main thing is you shouldn't hurt yourself in order to help other people, but sometimes you have to. Ultimately, it's selfish. It's selfless to do what you're doing. Well, you're doing selfless. At its core, though, it's really not... There's a way that you can think about it. The way I see it, there's not a whole lot that you can do that isn't selfish. When you follow the thought or the action back all the way, it still always comes back to you. Me sharing things with people is because of my own... my own wishes for the future, I suppose. Are your wishes for yourself for the future, or your wishes for yourself and other people for the future? Myself and other people. That's selfless. That's like the servant mindset. It's selfless. You can do things for yourself and for other people. As long as it's selfish, it's me and me only. Me, myself, and I. I don't care about anyone else but myself, I suppose. My money is for me. I'm not going to help share and take care of my kids. I'm not going to take care of my friends and my family. I'm not going to take my girl out to eat. It's selflessness, taking care of your family, helping your dad around the property. That's all selflessness. Doing all the things you're doing is completely selfless, Eli. It's good. Even though you may have a root for it, you want what's best for your life in the future. What you're doing is also selfless because you're helping other people understand what's going to benefit the world. You could get down the line to a certain person that knows what to do in the situation that you're facing, but you're not the only one facing it. There's a bunch of people facing it. Therefore, you're helping other people. That's true. It's totally selfless. That's completely valid, too. I think it also comes down to what your views are on the very idea, the concept of self. What is the self? Where does the self end? Where does other begin? Because we have... I think it's where your morals are, is what you're trying to get at. If it's more like... If it's the root of it, it's to only help me. That's selfish. But if the root of it is to help me and other people, but I'm saying, where is the divide between you and what's seemingly external to you? You've heard the phrase, we are what we eat. I take that very literally. We all live on this earth. We all take from it and put food and water from the earth into our bodies, which directly translates to our cellular makeup. Our bodies are formed completely from what we intake. Or even at the beginning, what our mothers intake. Garbage in, garbage out. You put good food from the earth into you, you can serve others better. Because if you can eat food... If you can kill a cow, and you only have one cow, and you kill that cow and you eat that whole cow to yourself, that's selfish. But if you kill a cow, and you've got a family of people in a tribe, right, whatever, you share that meat with the tribe, the tribe can now go hunt other cattle or other animals or other whatever, grow more crops because they have energy from that cow that you killed and you cooked. Yeah, no, that's true. Selfless. That's true. But I don't think the idea is... Or the idea that I'm trying... The picture I'm trying to paint is necessarily translating over all the way. Let me put it in a different... Let me put it in a different way. This is... This is... I attribute this to a philosopher that I followed for a long time. I'm not gonna say his name right now. I will maybe at some point, but I don't want it to influence thoughts on that because this is also something that I... I have really, really thought about myself and I believe it in so many... Or I feel that I understand it in so many more ways than just this one analogy. I just think it's a really good analogy and the philosopher's not alive anymore anyway, so I don't think I need to give him credit, at least right off the bat. But if you think of... Think of a honeybee and the flowers that it needs to survive. They appear as if they're two separate organisms completely separate from one another in the physical, right? But if you take either part away, you know, it's... The honeybee... If you take the flower away, the honeybee can't survive and if you take the bee away, the flower has nothing to pollinate it, so it can't survive. So they're working together in much the same way as we are with all the trillions or however many different cells and bacteria and organisms that make up our body. Like an individual person isn't just one autonomous... A person isn't one autonomous organism. It's made up of so many different things working independently and then we experience, like us, you and I, experience from our perspective that seems to be based, you know, in our heads essentially. Like we experience from that perspective but also there's all the other organisms that we still call a part of us like inside our body on a microscopic level. But is that... How do we define whether that's ourselves or other? Because we don't control it at all. You know, it's... What I'm getting... I'm not trying to make any specific point. I'm just saying that there are different ideas on what the self is. Therefore, selflessness and selfishness can carry different meaning depending on who you're talking to. So, a selfless act can be perceived differently by someone who views the self differently and it's... Well, yeah. Anyway, I don't know if that... I didn't do a very good job of explaining that or at least I didn't do as well of a job as I was hoping to. It's alright. It's all good. Yeah. I have spent so much time delving into philosophical concepts because I just... I just have existential crises like just left and right. I have an existential crisis. Like a large one. Sometimes it seems like every month, every year, whatever, I can't... That probably has something to do with not having a religion that I adhere to. I try sometimes. I do. But I find it really difficult to... I'm a very skeptical person and I find it very hard to convince myself of something where the... A lot of the pieces have to line up. A lot of something has to make sense intuitively for me to be able to put a large amount of my belief into it. But it depends. I use the word like so much. I need to stop that. It depends though. Some days I'll even pray. I don't do it as often as might be beneficial to me. I mean not in a Christian way necessarily. I kind of just... When I'm feeling especially desperate or hopeless I ask the universe essentially. Sometimes I call it God. Sometimes I say whatever you're called or whatever I can call you. I just kind of... I either ask for clarity or guidance or meaning or strength. But it's not... My ideas on what all that is are ever-changing. They're very fluid and there's no really regimented rules that I... It's very hard for me to stick to something like that because I'll have a new thought that makes it all topple over or I'll discover new information that invalidates the old information. It may seem like I'm wishy-washy or go back and forth on things too often but that's my reality. There's so much nuance to every moment in this reality that it's... I mean I feel like someone is maybe not as trustworthy if they're not able to fluidly change their minds on things based on new overwhelming evidence. So like for instance... Let's go with the example of... Well I guess newscaster wouldn't be a very good example because you don't really know what they actually believe. You only know what they tell you. But like with a friend who has this political opinion that they're stuck to and they're not... The discussions that they have relating to it are from the perspective... No, that's not the right word. The discussions that they have about it are more so trying to convince you of their beliefs than trying to have an open dialogue so that perhaps both parties might learn more about it. Like our discussions usually are, or dare I say always are. I feel like you're really good about that because we can just talk about... Whatever, whenever, however, for however long, forever. It's not, it's never you should believe this way and here's why it's... Well I do believe, like for example, I'm going to heaven someday. I want to see you in heaven someday. But that's up to you. That's not up to me. That's up to you. If you want to come to Christ. But I'm not going to force that. Exactly right. That's the open minded, that open door, that open field of just like not telling you Hey you've got to do this, you've got to do... That's not the way to get someone to think the way you think. Never. That's the way you get someone to go, well this dude's crazy, I don't want to talk to him. Or at least just get them to push back on it. That's what I'm saying, push back. Not talking to this person is pushing back. And I don't do that because I know that I have so much faith in God that he's going to do whatever he wants. Whoever he wants in his kingdom at the end of the day is who he wants in his kingdom. I'm really, I'm actually legitimately envious of that. I wish I had that. What? I wish I had an unfailing belief system. Because I... You can get it. You just have to find out what works for you. The only belief system that I can validate and testify for that has worked for me and a lot of other people and almost everyone around me is God. Jesus Christ. And I've tried in the past when I wasn't going to church and being a Christian. And I denied God. And I went through these other universal things and angel numbers and law of attraction. And none of it worked. I did everything I was told to. But everything I've read in the Bible, and I'm not pushing this on you, I'm trying to inform you. Everything I've read in the Bible and everything that it says for me to do. And everything I get from what I do in these things. A lot of things you don't get things in return. Except for salvation and then you go to heaven. But, like, for example, I look at the Bible as a big book of happiness. You know? There's sad parts and all that in it. There's murder and rape and all. I don't know if there's rape, but there's murder. There's definitely rape. Okay, that's what I thought. But I didn't want to put something in there. But now I'm doubting myself. I've read it. There's some stuff in it. There's sexual sin in there for sure. But I look at it as like, and I don't know if it's rape, but there's sexual immorality in there for sure. And rape would fall into that category. But I look at it for all these things it tells me not to do this, not to do that. And I've never raped someone. I've never molested someone. I've never, whatever, right? I've never murdered someone. Hopefully. What do you mean? We can only hope. Oh my gosh. I wouldn't do that. I'm kidding. But I would never murder someone. When I acted in violence towards my brother, I felt terrible afterwards. But when my brother talked shit to my face, and I'd say, you know, bro, I love you. He shuts right up. He sits on the couch next to me. We play video games. Or he plays video games and I cuddle Mr. Mr. is such a good dog. I don't know. But like, I do these things that the Bible tells me to do and I feel a million times better. Than doing the things that Law of Attraction told me to do. Write it down three times in your journal and pray or think about it in your head and work hard. You'll have it. Act like you have it already. Like, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever worked out for me. I've heard it worked out for Jim Carrey. Oh, yeah. But it didn't work out for me. You know, I've heard it worked out for like 90% of the people in my life. Also celebrities that I know of. Like 90% of the people who have tried it? You know, like 90% of the people that have like delved in, dived in, delved into Christianity. Done what God told them to do. They found salvation here on Earth and happiness. But they also found that never, that like, my buddy Tia messaged me the other day. He was like, I could tell he was a little worried about what's going on in Ukraine. But like, he said they just basically did the closest thing to nuking that they could possibly do without actually nuking Ukraine. And I said, huh. And I said, on the bright side, I went, you know what's the cool thing about living on canvas? This is already the Holy Spirit working in me. I'm not worried about anything because I know where I'm going at the end of the day. And he said, what's the cool thing about canvases? We're on polar opposite sides of the United States from the country's capital. Where the president stays, where the White House is, right? They're not going to want to do anything with canvas, you know, at first, right? At all. They're going to bomb these big, L.A., New York, D.C., you know, these places that have power in them. And on top of that, so he goes, well if they drop a star bomb or the tar bomb or whatever, the big one, he said, we're screwed. And I said, I'm not. And he goes, alright. I said, I think he said, why is that or something. But I said, I'm not because I know exactly where I'm going at the end of the day. I'm just going to be up there getting my pump on, pumping iron, Jesus, you know. I'm just going to be up there having a good time, you know. Pumping iron with Jesus. And then like, I said, I know where all my friends, I know where my family's going, you know. And then he says, do you think I'd be saved? And then it was a turn. And I said to him, well, I think it says in Jesus Christ that you're going to save her. The Lord didn't save her. And he says, no, that's sad about me. I said, well, here's how you do it. I gave him all the answers and he just went back to like, this is the four by four you should get. And like, okay. And I just went and played it off like we had that conversation. I didn't push it anymore. But from all the things he did, he hearted some things and he acknowledged it. But the thing is, a year ago, when the whole Ukraine thing started or whatever it started, I was terrified. We're going to go to war. We're going to get bombed. We're going to hell. Like, whatever. I don't know where I'm going. I was pretty sure I was going to hell. I didn't know where. And come to Christ, come to terms, give my life to Christ. And all these things put my faith in what he says I need to do. And I have no worries. I'm not worried about the world getting blown up. I'm not worried about, like, even sometimes, like, I think, like, it's giving me, it's starting to give me more of a live free. Like, live not used to high school. Because when I was in high school, that's how I now have gotten. It's not as close. I'm wiser with it now. I research and learn and all that now. But, like, I used to hit massive jumps on my bike. And I was living, like, a little bit of a mini action sports lifestyle. And, like, I didn't care. And then after I stopped going to church and all that, I was afraid to swim in the lake. Oh. That's how bad it got. That's how bad it got. I wouldn't even go on a kayak in the lake. Now I'm like, dude, I'll freaking go scuba diving or whatever. Like, if I see a shark, it's your will, God. You know, like, that's where I'm going. I'm going to youth. Nice. And I don't know, no matter how much I mess up, because of what I've seen happen in my life. I've seen things in the Bible come true in my life. Not stories, but, like, Proverbs and Psalms and stuff come true in my life. And I see the benefit I get from that and how happy it makes God that nothing else could be a lie. Because everything I've experienced is truth. And so, I'm not pushing this on you, but I would say, like, you say you wish you had that, you know, faith in something that, like, and I'm telling you that everyone else that's Christian is the same way. This is their best life. Now, we all make mistakes. I mean, I know Christians that are solid in God but are struggling with a sex addiction or struggling with heroin addiction. I know people, I know people, I know people that are alcoholics that are Christians. I know people that are smoking weed that are Christians. But you know what? They're not going like, they're like what you're doing. You're getting away from it because you see how it hurts you. You know, you see how it's not a benefit to you. When you throw God in that mix, there you go. It's like I just said. It also doesn't help God. It doesn't help his kingdom. It doesn't help me. Therefore, I can't help his kingdom. Therefore, I can't help other people. If I'm smoking weed and I got a big old gut and Doritos chips sitting on my lap and I'm sleeping more than half the day, I can't write a newsletter that's beneficial to anyone. I can't go to my cousin Josh's house for a podcast because I'd rather be sleeping. You know, like for me, I'd rather be looking at porn in the past, you know, than doing a lot of things that I should be doing. Your life just gets better when you have faith in God. That's just, I'm not trying to say put your faith in God. I'm kind of saying like put your faith in God at the same time, you know. But like it's up to you. It's totally up to you and I support whatever you want to do because you're my cousin. And God calls us to love those of Christ and those not. That's not the actual Bible verse. But God calls us to love everyone equally. You know, like I'm not attracted to black women. I would never marry a black woman. But like I'm not racist, you know. I'm not like, I'm not like hating on them. And I mean I've had some really, I've had four men that are black that I get along like the best with, you know. And like nothing is black men or women. I just am not attracted to black women. You know, like. Yeah, I mean you can't, you can't choose who you're attracted to. Exactly, exactly. Really it might just be you haven't found a woman who's black that you're attracted to. I've seen black actresses. Holy cow, dude. Like whoa, you know. So then you are attracted to black women. It's just those. But not as much, you know. Like there's more white women that I'm attracted to than black women. So you're saying you're, you're more attracted to someone who looks more like you. Yeah. Yeah. But not like, the other thing is not red hair. But like red hair, I'm not like, because red hair it's like I'm banging my sister. Or like a female version would be like a look in the mirror. Shit, short hair dude, we got a problem. No. Yeah, no, I get it. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm attracted to. Men. Well, I mean, I'm attracted to people of all shapes and sizes. Dogs. Yeah, dogs. Especially dogs. Um, but like, I, I understand how people have, you know, their, their preferences. Um, and that's, there's nothing, there's nothing racist about, about your personal attractions. Now, if it were to be, I don't like insert group here. Yeah. You know, I don't, I don't get, get along with all of the people that fall under this particular group. Then, yeah, then, then there's a problem. Yeah. I get along with black people so well. I've had so many black friends. The thing I miss is that I have less, I have no black friends right now actually. That's the thing that I really, really miss. It's like, dude, they're so fun. Like I had a buddy in high school named Trent. Oh my gosh. So on fire for God. But like, dude, he and I would put music together. We got a good laugh. He was just a good guy. And then Izzy, my old foreman at one of my last jobs. Oh my gosh, dude. We'd just like, oh, we'd go to a customer's house. There'd be like a single mom and he'd be like, oh, she wants some of this chocolate drip. You know, like just dirty black dude. Not like dirty. But like a dirty old man, you know. Yeah. This construction worker sense of humor. He's just so funny, you know. That was such an unfortunate. Yeah. Not like that. Not like that. Like a dirty old man. Like dirty as far as what he would say. Yeah. He was just a construction worker. Unfiltered. Yeah, unfiltered. Unfiltered black man. I mean, come on now. Like, really? Unfiltered black coffee. There we go. Yeah. That's much better. Grounds and all. Yep. But no, like, what I'm saying is like, I love everyone. I love people that look like me. I love people that don't look like me. I love people that believe what I believe. I love people that don't believe what I believe. I love everybody. Not in a gay way, but I love gays. Like, I have to. And I have to hope. Well. I have to hope and pray that they come to Christ. But I'm not going to be like, you're going to hell. Repent for your sins. But like a Simon throwing stuff at him on the side of the road. No, I'm not going to do that. Because that's not Christ-like. Like with you. You are so far different from me in a lot of ways. But we have these conversations. And we're able to have these conversations. I think about two years ago, we never had these conversations. So it never worked out. Because of how stubborn I was. But I came to Christ and I realized I have to love everyone. And I do love everyone. Oh, I was stubborn too. Like, a couple years ago, if I, you know, heard something about gays, for instance, I would, you know, I'd be like, oh, he's just ignorant or whatever. And I wouldn't, like, I wouldn't, I probably wouldn't even want it. Maybe more than a couple years back. But I wouldn't want to hear it. Yeah. I mean, I still feel as if everybody's choices are totally completely. I mean, I was together with a guy for quite a while. My second longest relationship so far. Also, that's out of two serious relationships. So your second relationship. Well, my first. It wasn't a very good first relationship. No, I'll never remember that. And you know what? I'm not going to lie real quick. There were times I heard about this dude that I wanted to go over there and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah. I wanted to, like, throw a spade in the dirt and stomp on it. Like, pissed at this dude. I was really happy that we were getting into more of a, like, a positive area with the conversation. Because, like, we're nearing the end of our time. It's about one right now. I'm going to have to, like, get ready to go. But, yeah, I don't want to end on that note. That's another good note. I don't even, I don't know. Can I end it up? Yeah, you can. Hold on just a second. Okay. I shouldn't have even brought up. You can sit down. No, I'm not going to end it. Okay. You know, we'll just let the conversations happen as they happen, I think. Because that's the reality of it. That's what makes our podcast good. We don't know that yet. I think it makes it good. We're just unfiltered. We don't hold back. And we say what needs to be said. And even though this was about us, we didn't get to what was on the iPad. We didn't even look at it. People are going to take something from this. Yeah. I hope, you know, I hope people can realize and know that, like, we love everyone. We love everyone. Completely. Yeah. No one above anyone else. Yeah. And we respect everyone equally. Yeah. And we're not setting out to, we're not setting out to offend people. No. To alienate people. No. We just have an unfiltered. I believe in saying what comes to mind as long as what comes to mind isn't something that's intended to hurt someone. Exactly. Exactly. That's the way to do it. Like the black joke. That wasn't even a joke at first, but I looked at you and you looked at me like, okay, that sounded odd, but, like, I didn't mean it like that, you know? Really, if we talk about that, like, I mean, for me, I'm maybe not jealous, but I'm a little envious sometimes. I'm like, that would be really, like, don't get me wrong. There are hardships that I completely don't have the capacity to understand because I'm not in the shoes of anyone else. But I have a reverence and a respect for people of, with people, or for people with different backgrounds. Yeah, me too. Everyone has. Diversity. Yeah. Yeah. That's key. You need diversity in life. This is how you grow. Yeah. But you can wrap it up now. I think that was a good wrap. But basically, like you said, and we don't mean to hurt anyone on this podcast or offend anyone at all. Hey, we're just talking amongst ourselves. Yeah, mano a mano, you know, we're just man to man. But sometimes things slip out of our mouths, and we don't really snip this podcast that much. There's very few things that we may snip. I'm not. I don't intend to snip. So we don't intend to snip anything silver. Remember, we're talking amongst ourselves. A microphone might be going, but this is a conversation between us. First tell them that this is a disclaimer for what I said. Who? Who are you telling? Your mom. Anyway. All right. I gotta pee. Yes. All right. Open your mouth. Um. No. No. No. Ah. Ah. I'll get better about that microphone thing. Okay. That was good. Love you guys. Love you too, buddy.