episode 1

This is a podcast where two sisters, Serena and Dee, discuss their reactions to trauma and how it has shaped them. They want to show that everyone reacts differently and that it's okay. Serena is more vulnerable and empathetic, while Dee is more closed off. They discuss their upbringing with toxic parents and the impact it had on them. They also talk about the importance of healing from generational trauma and not passing it on to future generations. They share their experiences with CPS and the struggles they faced at home. Despite the difficulties, they have learned to turn their pain into something positive and are proud of each other's growth. Hey, y'all. Thanks for listening in to Perception. This is about two sisters. I'm Serena. And I'm Dee. And this is a podcast where we get real raw and vulnerable. So, in this podcast, we aren't expecting any sort of pity, comparison. We want to show you guys that everybody reacts to something differently. And it's okay to react to something differently because even if you go through the same situation, you're going to have a different outcome regardless. Yeah. A different perspective, perception, it all falls in the same category. And this is where we get started. This is where we're going to start is how we both react to the same sort of trauma. That's where it's going to kind of get a little deeper and more raw with who we are and why we are who we are today. So, it's definitely something that we're both very scared to release at the same time because this is something we haven't really talked to anybody about other than each other or our siblings or, you know, like, because, you know, you react differently. So, I'm not the most vulnerable person. I don't like to show my feelings whatsoever. And I wear my heart on my sleeve as always. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how we have to learn to listen to the other person as well. Because, like, growing up, I always called Serena a little too sensitive. And to this day, I regret ever saying that because it's just blatantly disrespectful at that point. Because I feel like because she's very empathetic on everybody, it makes her a more genuine person. And then, like, if you look at me, I'm more of closed off, more like I don't like to cry or show any type of emotion towards people, even though I'm a very sensitive person. But, yeah, so that's kind of just a hint of what we're going to get into tonight. But I'll let Bug kind of, like, tell her little side of everything. And then, yeah, we'll kind of start from there. So, bear with us because we also don't really know what we're doing. Because, like we said, this is real. This is raw. And we're vulnerable. So, just enjoy the show. I'd like to start with saying that there is no script involved. You might hear a stutter or two or an uh and but and um. But this is us. This is me to my full extent. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't shivering in my pimpers right now. Because I've barely come to the sense of myself that I have things to work through still to this day. And I probably will forever. Because that's what trauma does to a person. It's a long-term thing in your life where you're not just sitting here and waiting and expecting change. You have to put that foot in and make change. You have to be the change. Because as much as you may not realize, generational curses are so real. Generational trauma gets passed on if you don't heal it yourself. And the last thing I want is for if one day I have kids, for that to rub off on them just because I haven't taken the time to sit and evaluate my emotions and everything that I've been through. But I also am proud of us. Because this is scary. Like, I mean, we've went through the same exact things almost. Of course, minor differences. But I don't believe that you're a product of your environment one second. Because if that were the case, we would turn out so much differently than we have. I feel like if that were true, then we would be bitter and hateful. But instead, we've learned how to take that, how to take that pain and that sorrow and turn it into something where we can make something of ourselves. What not to be. And that's what I find so beautiful about hearing everything that Destiny has gone through and how she reacts to it versus how I go through it. Because we were taught the same things, yet we experience it differently in our day-to-day lives as it is. Yeah, it is kind of wild hearing. Because Ray was so young during half of the things that happened between our mom and dad, which is what correlated a lot of the issues that have caused us today. Which I read a post on Facebook not too long ago talking about how what your parents done to you when you were young, the trauma that that caused. I mean, you're grown now, so that shouldn't matter. But I don't think people realize that that's all you knew growing up is that specific situation. So in an instance of how can you grow past that? I mean, it's hard to grow past it. I get that it's possible to grow past it. But me, I'm a very, I hold grudges. And I shouldn't hold grudges. But that's a part of me where if I didn't hold grudges and I forgave people so easily, I would continuously get hurt. And it's just kind of crazy. Because hearing Ray's side of the story because she was younger is so crazy. Because it's like, me and Jasmine always tried our hardest to kind of prevent her to see or hear as much as possible. But Serena would see and hear more than we realized. And being able to hear her story is also amazing because there's some things where I'm like, wow, you are a very intelligent person because you're so empathetic. Like, I'm proud of you, dude. Like, it's just, it's wild. Like, I would do anything for my siblings. It's crazy. But hearing everyone's story in that sense, it just, it's sad. Because there's, like everyone says, there's so many different sides to the story. But it all adds up to one specific, to two specific people. And then it, you know, just grows between each trauma and situations that happen. I may not be making sense, so I apologize. I'm kind of trying to just go with the flow in the way of not trying to cry right now. But anyways, I'll kind of get started on why I'm so proud of Bug. So growing up, Jasmine and I would kind of hear fights start happening between my mom and dad. My entire family knew that they were very toxic people. My mom was one of the hardest workers, one of the strongest women that I have ever known in my entire life. So, and my dad was a preacher. He was, he seemed like an amazing man, you know, like took care of us girls while my mom was working. But when they were together, it was the most terrible situation. It was just something I don't wish on anybody. Like there was multiple nights where we would be in our room and we would hear them just start screaming. And Jasmine would run out and I instantly knew I had to hold Serena. I had to hold her ears. I had to like hold her as tight as I could, put her in the farthest room as I could. Like try and talk her down because you could tell she was terrified because something was happening. And, you know, she's little, you know, you don't expect someone that little to realize or to notice something bad is actually happening, you know. But yeah, so multiple instances like that happened. I mean, we had CPS called on us so many times where we would have people in our house. And my mom and dad would make us basically read through a script before we talked to them and be like, oh, nothing's going on here. The house is just fine. Like there is one instance where CPS showed up at our school and like I already had a terrible school experience. And that will be another story for another time. But it's just kind of traumatizing because you're a small kid with CPS talking in your ear, basically trying to brainwash you and force you into saying things that you don't want to say in the first place, which a lot of people don't realize that that happens. But I am a witness to that and that is terrible. But yeah, it's just, it's terrible. I mean, my mom came and picked us up from school early to go to wilderness one day. And her and my dad got into a really bad fight beforehand. And this is going to be very like TMI, I guess is the word. But like I said, real raw vulnerable. And my mom slapped him with her Kotex right in front of us girls. She thought it was hilarious, which I get. Like it's, I guess that's kind of when her crazy started coming out is when she started fighting back, which I don't blame her. She dealt with so much for so long. I mean, and even my dad, my dad dealt with so much for so long. But it's kind of more of the fact of it's rubbed off on us growing up. So like we didn't know how to cope. We don't know what love is. You know, like we're still all trying to figure out like, oh my goodness, what is this word love that everybody's talking about because we don't see it at home. We don't understand what it is. Like it's just kind of wild because I don't, I don't know. I wish I could express it just a tad easier. But I don't know. I feel like that is one thing that I will never forget is, yes, I was young. And you would think that that wouldn't imprint my brain so easily. But I will never forget the feeling of every single time that you held me and you held my ears shut just to try and shield me from the reality that was our home life. There would be nights that we were up until the school bus came just because of sin. And there were nights that I would sleep in my parents' room and I had to pull a dresser with my mom to shield my dad from almost killing her. That was the fear that I had at such a young age. And that's what people don't realize is you can see those kids at school that are quiet, shut off, and heck, you may even bully them because they look a little different than you. But the reality is you have no idea what they go home to. You have no idea why they were late that morning. You have no idea the things that go through their brain as soon as they step through the door. It felt like a prison for us to sit there and have to every single day go through that. There would be maybe glimpses of times where I can remember some good parts, but it was never while my parents were together. I have very few separate memories with them that are good, which pains me because that is so true. I remember almost all of the bad. And what I don't remember, I thank the Lord I don't because it's my brain trying to protect me from something that would still scar me to this day. But with that, it's like, man, we have stories that could last for ages and years' worth of trauma to sort through to the point where it's embarrassing. It is very embarrassing. Also, if you hear me moving, no, you don't. Sorry, I've got to fix the mic really quick. I don't know. See, you can tell who the more vulnerable person is and who the less vulnerable person is because I never know what to say, and that's the whole point in this situation because I don't think I've ever really had a therapy session where I was able to fully talk about myself. I genuinely don't know how to talk about myself. Anyway, but there was also a time with mom and dad where my dad had some really bad trust issues. How old do you think we were, Bug, during this time? I was maybe three or four. You think you were three or four around that time? Okay, which means I don't know how old I was, but I was young, okay? You were about eight or nine. Yeah, so we got pulled into a room by our dad, and I remember it like it was yesterday. He showed us this tape that he took of our mom when she was in her Nissan because he thought she was cheating on him. And I'd like to clarify, when we say tape, we mean those voice recording tapes, like almost looked like a VHS tape, not a video camera or anything like that. Like, this is the older days. Yeah, it's one of the cool-looking tapes that nobody probably knows how to work in the Gen Z era anymore. I sure do. I feel like a big bean. Anyways. So our dad pulled us into a room, and he asked us what we heard on it. And all of us literally said, we have no idea what we're hearing. I mean, shoot, we're super young at this point, and we're like, I don't understand what's going on. Our dad is yelling at us, and he's like, you hear it. You do hear it. Like, I know you hear it. He was like, you don't have to lie to protect your mom. I know you hear it. And I've always been a mama's girl. Always. Even, like, now, considering the fact of all the crap that I have been put through through that woman, I don't know. There's a connection between me and her that I can't really describe it. Like, I love my dad to death. Still love him, even though I haven't spoken to him in almost two years. Maybe it's been a year. I don't know. It feels like a long time, though. But anyway, yeah. I keep getting off track because I have ADHD. I think it has been, too, because it's been a year since I spoke to him. And that's saying a lot for me because I was a daddy's girl growing up. And as shocking as it is, from what you've heard already, I'm sure he sounds like a monster. But you just had to be there. You had to have those parents, the ones that you wanted to look up to so bad. You had to be there. Like, whenever the curtains were closed and the lights were off, like, there's still that love. And I still yearn for a daddy-daughter connection more than anything in this life. I wish I could have grown up with that safe feeling with my father. But instead, I am left with this void in me because I know I will never get that. I will never have the opportunity to feel that love and to feel that safety and feel like I can confide in him. Because every single time we tried to confide in our parents, we were shot down so fast. We were made to feel like we were worthless or even feeling any type of feeling. And that's what I think is kind of admirable is how, through that, me and Destiny have developed two very different coping mechanisms. And that's why she was saying that about how she's more closed off. She's got thicker skin. Because she's afraid to let people in out of fear of them judging her. Me, I was never able to show my emotions, so that's all I do. Like, if I have the opportunity to cry, I am going to cry. Because I was forced to hold it in for so long. I gotta let it out. Because it eats me alive. And so, I just, I don't know, I still can't wrap my mind around how, of all of our siblings going through such similar things, our perspective on the world is so different today. And that's what the beauty of the human mind is. You can go through the exact same experiences almost, and then you can come out totally different. And you could be bitter or hateful from it, or you could be the most loving and genuine and sincere person that the world has ever met. And it's all based on your mindset. How you come out of that is all based on your mindset. And once again, I'd like to bring up the generational trauma, because our parents have been through more than we could describe. And it's not their fault that they are the way they are. That was how they were raised. That was what they have seen. Well, I'm going to kind of interrupt you. It is their fault now on how they are. Because, so, I don't, a lot of people may not know my mom. And whatever Ray and I say about either one of our parents, we don't want anyone to look at them any differently. Because at the end of the day, it's nobody's place to have a hatred towards anyone. It's just us kind of ranting and letting out. But they used to be totally different people than they are now. It's like they've changed over time, especially our mom. Our mom got into some pretty crazy stuff. And she's not the same person she used to be. It's kind of like I'm mourning a death that hasn't even happened yet. And it's really, really devastating. Because I'm just waiting one day for someone to call me and say that our mom done something that is going to make me live with regret my entire life. Same with our dad. I mean, shoot, even though I haven't spoken to him, I keep tabs on him all the time. I would hate to feel like a terrible daughter. But at the end of the day, when it comes to our dad, I have to have boundaries or else I'm going to continue to get hurt. There's been countless nights where, I mean, just recently, I mean, right before I stopped talking to him, where he got worse. So that's where I kind of had to step in and kind of feel like, well, they've kind of created their own thing now. It comes to a point where you have to decide between, is it worth the mental health that they put me through just to feel like I can be a part of their lives whenever they are tearing me down? Because it would take me weeks, maybe even months, to recover from after talking to my dad or going to see him. Because I've never been enough, ever. And as much as anybody would like to say that, it's all bull. That's all I will say is I have never felt like I have been good enough because I've always been told that there's something more I could do or something different. And I got to be this and I got to be that just to be looked at in God's eyes. And that's something that we will cover in a different episode is the spiritual trauma that comes with everything, with our father especially. But, man, this is tough. I'm over here getting voice cracking and eyes watering, and it's real. It is. Yeah, I think in a couple different episodes we'll mainly point out specific trauma issues between our dad and between our mom. So bear with us with this first one because we're kind of just giving you guys an open eye on some of the things that we may talk about. Like in some of the episodes we're going to talk about how my infertility, you know, how that makes me feel and, like, you know, some situations that's happened in that sense. Or, you know, we'll talk about Serena, you know. My battle with depression and suicidal thoughts or tendencies. Because I know there are plenty of people out there that still have the same thoughts that I do. And I'm here. I'm here for all of you, any of you. Text me any time of the day. I don't care who you are, if I don't know you, if I've never even heard of you a day in my life. Because that's what I would want. I just want somebody to tell me I'm not alone. And so I want to be the person who can sit here and say you're not crazy. You're able to feel what you feel. Every feeling that you feel is valid. I don't care if you've not been through anything in your life. I don't care if you've had the most picture perfect life yourself. Everyone is able to feel what they feel. And you're more than enough. Just waking up today, I don't care if you didn't shower. I don't care if you didn't brush your teeth. I don't care if you didn't eat three meals a day. You are enough. You're more than enough. You don't have to clean your room to feel that. You don't have to get out of bed to feel that, because you are. Sometimes waking up is all you need to do. But, yeah, another episode. We'll be covering quite a bit. We're just super excited, but yet really scared to share a lot of the situations that's happened, because some people who are listening in on this have witnessed it, have kind of tried to talk us down on it. We're turned a blind eye, completely ignored it. Yeah, we have some family members that I know will probably listen to this and spread it around and be like, mention the fact of, oh, my goodness, you girls are so blessed. You girls should never have to sit like that. I mean, those childhood was not that bad. Okay, but you guys have no right to sit there and try and tell me that our childhood was not that bad. Shoot, if all of us are literally talking about the same situation, me, Serena, Jasmine, you know, Zach doesn't really talk about it very often, but that poor kid, he has one heck of a story, that's for sure. And when I tell you I am so proud of him, it's crazy that is the man that I look up to in my life. That is the man that I see and I'm like, everyone should aspire to be like him. He is hardworking. He's thoughtful. He's patient. He loves with all his heart, and he always puts his family first. And that's the man that I look up to. That's the man who stepped in and filled my father's shoes to walk me down the aisle. Like, I'm going to start crying about it, and I don't want to. If it wasn't for Zach being there and absolutely being the most important part, of course, other than Spencer, in that day, I don't know what I would have done. Because when I got the call, when I found out that my dad was not going to walk me down the aisle and I didn't even know he was going to come, to be honest, Zach took it in and he became the man. He became the person who was like, I'll fill the shoes since you haven't really had them. Like, that's how important he is to me. I cannot express this enough, and if Bubba's listening right now, just know we love you with all of our hearts. And I appreciate every single time that you have gotten me out of a bad situation just to spend some time with me and make memories with me that will last with me forever. Just because you wanted me around, I'll never forget how whenever I was the most sad version of myself, you gave me a day where I could forget everything. I'll never forget that. We love you, probably more than life itself at this point. For sure. Just for being here and just for being you. And we appreciate Maddie so much, too. Like, Madison, which is his wife, has been a massive part of our life as well, basically watched us girls grow up. And if it wasn't for her being super supportive on Zach being very close with us and everything like that, like, we didn't get to have him for a little bit because of a specific situation I'm not going to get into because it's not my place to get into it. But when Madison came into his life, she supported Bubba to be very close with his family. And I cannot thank her enough for being super supportive and even being a bigger sister that I have always looked up to. I cannot see her not in this family. There is no in-law there. She is a sister to us and always has been since she's been in the picture. And she's just as admirable as anybody at this point just for seeing us and looking at our situation and not judging a day in her life, but instead not pitying us but being here. That's all she had to do. That's all Zach had to do is just be there. And that was more than enough to just make our lives better. It's just crazy on how people just existing, you don't realize how important they are or they don't realize how important they are to us. Like, Zach's existence is just a blessing. It really is. And then Madison's existence, she literally treats us like family. We'll get into, you know, like specifics another day as well. But just know, like, if you guys are listening, Plug and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know. You both mean the absolute world to us, and you may not listen to this. And if you don't, we're hyping you up. So you should listen to it. But moral of the story is there is nothing that we wouldn't do for you just for being here and being you. We would do anything for you. We'd walk across the ocean just to make sure you knew how loved you were. I'd drink it for you. I wouldn't, but... I'm just kidding. I don't like water. It's not the water for me. It's not the water. Oh, it's the fishes. Or the salt. The fish pisses. Oh. Oh, so not the human ones? I feel like that'd get mixed around too, but I'm more comfortable with that. We've got to cut that out. We've got to cut that out. Nope, it's the real raw and vulnerable, that's for sure. There's nothing really raw about that. That's a figment of your imagination. Nobody said that, especially not me. Yeah, who done did that? No, but I am going to start ending it here. This is just kind of like a good little quick, you know, hey, y'all. I promise we're still making a podcast. We're just, I'm working two jobs, plus doing hair on the side, and then, you know, Bug is a professional gamer, technically. Yeah, I'm busy playing Roblox all day every day and wanting to punch the monitor whenever I queue up in Apex, but nothing crazy, you know. I can make time, I guess. Yeah, and then, yeah, it's just, we're going to create and find time, because we definitely both need this, especially recently. I love how it starts off and we're crying, like our voices are cracking to us, cracking up about nonsense. That's us. It really is. So, like, if you guys listen in on our podcast, it's not going to be us mainly being, because I'm definitely not going to fake it and tell you guys that I'm, like, you know, the most there and want to talk about everything type of person. I'm going to joke about it. Sharena is going to be the main one who is, like, more in-depth and more personal and probably the one you all are going to relate to the most. Me, on the other hand, you're going to hear me making really probably bad jokes I should probably not be making, but. I just think, I don't know, I feel like it's a target audience, you know. Like, I am only eloquent with my words because I spend too much time journaling about some sad stuff. And I'm dyslexic, so I can't do that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just, I mean, I know you heard that purdcast. I know you heard that. That's proof enough. I'm sure they know that already. No, but for real, though, I can't. I'm super dyslexic. It's crazy. And then my ADHD doesn't help any, and you'll also figure that out. Like, which you'll probably listen to this and be like, dang, she was just talking about one thing, and now she's, like, talking about a whole. Don't mind that. Just listen and go with the flow. Like, that's how my life is, you know. Like, it's not put together, and neither is this podcast. No, there isn't. Like I said, no script involved, so. We're literally sharing a mic right now. Yep. We're basically nose to nose, piercing to piercing. Yeah. Like, I'm pretty sure, like, I can feel her eyelashes on my forehead right now. Yep. I can see every molecule in her eyes at the moment. Are they pretty? Yeah. I don't know when you do that. No, I'm just kidding. Do you remember whenever we were little? I thought you were going to say when you took our picture, and I literally was like, it? That too. Do you remember when we were little, and my favorite thing was whenever you'd take those pipe cleaners and make glasses, you'd see straight with them on, and then you'd take them off, and you'd go cross-eyed? You want to know who I learned that off of? I learned it off of Mike. Michael. Leanne's Michael. Oh, really? Yeah. He used to play that trick all the time. He also used to do this thing where he'd put the broom in the back of his hat and, like, pop it up. I love that. I thought that was hilarious. I would always cackle until I almost peed my pants. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's crazy. That's where, you know, that and Papa Rick are the main people who I learned my little trick from. That's where I became a professional fisher. And also, I just want to let you guys know that you can totally call her Tater, too, if you want. 100%. Everybody on my dad's side don't ever – I don't think I've ever heard my actual name. I don't think they know my actual name, if we're being completely honest. I'm just Tater. Like, even Mom will call me Tater. Mom will call me baby Tater. But that's basically it. I'm Tater to most of the family except Jasmine and Ray, and then I'm Dee. And then, you know – I'm Bug a lot of the time. Yeah. Not because I look like one. Don't get that mixed up. She's a liar. Okay. Have you guys seen Priscilla off of Rango? Because that is Serena. That's my favorite movie, though. If you've not watched it, give it a watch. It's everything you could want in a movie and more. It's got action. It's got romance. It's got booby jokes. Okay. It's got everything you could get. It's a children's movie. It's a children's movie. Why would you want booby jokes in a children's movie? It's for the adults. But you just said it's a child's movie. It is, but it's hidden. Are those real? No kid is going to know what you're talking about. That's why I love it. And you want to know something even funnier? My dad put me on with that. My preacher father put me on with that movie. I don't know. That's one thing I do. That's one thing we'll get into is, like, the goods and the bads of dad. You know, the goods, the bads, and the dad. And the dad. Yeah. I think we should end it here because I think we're sleep-deprived. It's been going on way too long. This is 38 minutes of just rambles. Pure chaos. Yeah. So, thank you for hanging in here. Once again, I'm Serena Rae Bugg, whatever you want to call me. And? I'm Dee Tater Death Destiny, person I don't like. Yeah, you know, like, I'm just here. I'm vibing, you know. Whoever and whatever you want to be, just let me know so I can answer to it because I won't know. All right, guys. We'll see you later. Bye-bye.