A Godly Marriage • Part One | Ephesians 5:22-24 | (Mark Evans 2-19-23)

The main idea of this information is that wives are called to submit to their husbands as a reflection of their submission to God. The motivation for this submission is rooted in recognizing God's authority and sovereignty. The wife's submission should not be conditional based on her husband's worthiness, but should be a continual act of respect and reverence. This teaching on submission is part of God's design for marriage, which reflects the greater marriage between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5 verses 22 through 24, and these are the words of the true and a living God. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. And the grass withers and the flower fades. Let us pray. Our gracious God in heavenly Father, indeed how great, how excellent is your word to make us wise for salvation, to make us wise as man and wife. And so we do pray for us, Lord. We confess so often we have bought into the deceptions of the world, the impulses of the flesh. And so we pray that you would help us to renew our minds, to walk in a fullness of spirit, that even our marriages, that especially our marriages, would be glorifying to you and pleasing in your sight. We pray this in the strong name of Jesus. Amen. You may be seated. Well, it was Socrates who once gave the advice, by all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher. So I'll let you guess as to his marital status. So compare that to the words of Martin Luther, who said this, there is no more lovely, friendly, charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage. And indeed that is what we have set before us over these next two weeks. Today we look at wives, and next Lord's Day we will look at husbands. But all with the overall view of God's design of marriage to display the greater marriage that is Christ and the church. And so before we dive in, we should zoom out for a minute and just appreciate what Paul is doing here. In a letter like Ephesians, that is so rich with theological truths, why does Paul start meddling with husbands and wives? In a word, we could say, because of the Lordship of Jesus Christ. That there is no part of our lives untouched or unaffected by the rule and reign of Jesus. That's why it would be nonsensical to say, well, I'm a good Christian, but a bad wife. I'm a good Christian, but a poor husband. No, Ephesians has taught us that we are always to be putting off the old self and putting on the new self. And not just in one compartment of our lives, but that our whole life is to be renewed. Be it our time, our tongue, our temperament. The whole person is to be renewed. And now we get to see God's renewing work at work in our marriages. So just a word to you, if you're here this morning and unmarried, be it single, divorced, or widowed, no doubt there will be a time that you will either be married or there will be a time in your Christian life where you will certainly have to give counsel, encouragement, prayer to a brother or sister who is married. And so this message is for all Christians. And that's all the more true, because as we will see, that to speak about marriage is ultimately to speak about the greatest marriage of all, Christ and His bride. And so with that, let's now dive in and look specifically at the vocation of wives, the calling of wives. And so we'll walk through these very short verses in three sections. Looking at the wife's calling, secondly, the wife's motivation, and lastly, the wife's glory. So firstly, what wives are called to? In verse 22, Paul says very plainly, wives submit to your own husbands. So the call is very plain, it is for submission. Now, as we saw last week, the modern age stumbles over the very word submission. It is nothing less than a dirty word in the modern day, right? Just the word submission connotes an exploitation, an oppression that is antithetical to love. Worldly wisdom would say, look, you can have love and freedom, or you can have submission, but you cannot have both. And so we as Christians are to put off that false dilemma and rehabilitate our understanding of submission, and let Scripture refine our wisdom. And there's perhaps no better way to do that than looking at the Lord Jesus Christ, who in every way submitted Himself to His Father above. And rather than His submission being a begrudging submission, a coerced submission, we know that the fear of the Lord was His very delight. It was His joy, it was His food to do His Father's will, and His submission was suffused with the greatest of loves. So we begin to see that love and submission are not only not at odds with one another, they are in fact a perfect pairing. And so that is Paul's opening command to wives in verse 22, this verb to submit, sometimes translated as to obey or to be subject to. It's a fairly common verb, found 38 times in the New Testament. You might remember when Jesus' parents found Him in the temple, begged Him to come back home. The text says that Jesus was submissive to His parents. We've seen the same verb in Ephesians 1, that all of creation has been subjected to the Lord Jesus Christ as its head. Conversely, the unsaved mind is said to be, same verb, unsubmissive to God's Word. It does not submit to God's law. And so all of this just paints the picture for us that to submit is fairly straightforward. It is to be subject to another, to follow or obey another, to yield oneself to another. And so Paul says wives are to be subject to husbands. And of course there's been no small amount of ink spilled to redefine the word submit, to soften it, to make it more palatable to the modern age. Of course we do that to our own destruction, because our entire salvation is bound up with the truth that Jesus submitted Himself to His Father's will. Submission is a beautiful, beautiful thing. And so to our sisters, you're hopefully already well aware, but if not you should be on high alert, that the modern age exalts the modern woman, which brings with it many temptations, not least of which is to ridicule, mock, and scorn the idea of a wife submitting to her husband. And in its place the world offers all kinds of shiny idols, to be an independent woman, to be a career woman, to be a woman who does not have to rely upon her husband. And such things come at a very high cost. I can remember from my time in corporate America, an employee who I had gotten to know quite well, and on the outside she had all the accolades of a so-called successful woman. In a rare moment of clarity, she broke down to me one day and confided in me, through her tears, Mark, I fear that I have put my family second, and I know I can never get it back. What she was saying was, I think I've been lied to, I think I've been deceived, and perhaps even I wanted to be deceived in the moment. We see the passages like Ephesians 5 remind us of the great wisdom of God, and the great gift that marriage is. As Proverbs says, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Right? Of Adam, what did we just read? That of all the goodness that was declared to him, what was decisively not good was for him to be alone. So God gives Adam, Eve, as this great helpmate, and he says, go and be blessed and enjoy the greatest of earthly loves. And so, Paul says here, the call is for submission on behalf of the wife. But, let's go deeper. Let's look secondly at the great motivation to this loving submission, and we see it in two ways. Firstly, Paul gives us this phrase in verse 22, that it's done as to the Lord. So submit to your husband as to the Lord. This is where submission finds its true motivation. That the heartbeat of all true submission is done as to the Lord. You think of Sarah revering Abraham, calling him Lord. And then what do you read? That the real reason, the ultimate reason, you could say, was her reverence for Yahweh. And so when a wife submits to her husband, she's ultimately submitting to God above, recognizing God's authority, God's sovereignty over all things. That God himself has called me to this very thing. And so, stated negatively, an unsubmissive wife is not merely going against her husband, she is going against resisting God above. You can think of when Israel rebelled and resisted Moses. They weren't simply resisting Moses, they were resisting Yahweh. And that's the same operating principle found here. This is why 1 Peter 3 says, when Peter speaks of Sarah revering Abraham, he makes sure to point out her hope was ultimately in God. And that is such a freeing, liberating thing. For the woman who trusts in God above is ultimately liberated from trusting in an ideal marriage, trusting in her feelings, trusting in her mood at a particular moment or her circumstances. No, she can rest knowing God is in control of me, of my husband, of my marriage. And indeed, this is often where the problems arise. The heart of flesh is so good at searching out loopholes and exemptions. And so the temptation is to say, I'll respect my husband when he is respectable. I'll be subject to my husband if and when I think he is worthy of it. I will set the terms of my submission. Of course, such self-determination is contrary to the very nature of true submission. And we know that this temptation comes from our first mother. What was that curse pronounced over Eve? Your desire shall be contrary to your husband. He shall rule over you. In other words, woman would have this deceitful desire to rule over her husband and subvert his God given role as the head. And so vision comes as this great refinement. And as the wife's submission to her husband is rendered not on the basis of conditions or criteria that she has said that her submission is not governed by your expectations or your husband's performance, that you're not keeping a mental progress report saying I'll submit to him when he, quote, finally gets it right. And until then you hold your husband in a kind of soft contempt, a kind of disregard. Instead, you can skip to verse 33 in the same chapter and see Paul's parting word for the wife is that above all else, the wife respects or reveres her husband. Notice he does not say, make sure that you love your husband. No, it's make sure that you respect your husband. And that is because respect and honor are like rocket fuel to the soul of a man. I just think of how male relationships are so often predicated upon earning respect. Just think of how many brave things, how many hard things, how many dumb things have men done all to gain respect. And so the best way to love a man is not so much by loving him, but by respecting him. And typically that is not natural for a wife to understand. And so Paul says, above all else, see to it that you revere him. So a simple diagnostic question would be when I think of my husband, what is my view of him? How highly do I esteem him? How much do I honor him? And you see, that begins to change the very nature of submission, that it becomes a joy, not a burden. It becomes a delight, not drudgery to be subject to loving headship. I remember during military school, we got assigned a new platoon sergeant and he was an eminently competent man, kind man. And you could just feel it amongst the platoon. There was this genuine enthusiasm, excitement to be under his headship. It was almost fun to salute him. That's how highly we held him standing over us. And that is the beauty of submission. Perhaps you're quick to reply, well, the quality of man that you're describing is not my husband. And that is why I withhold my respect. But you see, it is precisely your respect that encourages him, that spurs him on. As Proverbs says, the excellent wife is like a crown on top of her husband's head. Your honor crowns your husband. And conversely, disrespect puts your marriage on what one author called the crazy train. And when a man is disrespected, he tends to react in ways that are unloving. When a woman is unloved, she tends to react in ways that are disrespectful. And round and round we go on this cycle of madness. And so, wives, you must know, I wouldn't say it's impossible, but it is very, very difficult for your husband to rise above the level that you respect him. As C.S. Lewis said, we castrate men and then we wonder, why are they not more manly? And so too with marriage. I've seen so many wives verbally castrate their husbands and then wonder, why is he not taking more leadership? Why is he not taking more ownership? And so Paul's call is to put off all forms of disrespect. And so practically, that would look like talking down to your husband, especially in front of the children, talking down to him in front of others, readily pointing out his faults, demeaning or degrading him in any way. But as always, don't merely put off. Paul is going to tell us to put something on. In this case, he says wives put on respect and reverence. It's important to see that respect is not merely an internal feeling, right? Respect is something that is shown. It is displayed. Using of the Proverbs 31 woman who speaks well of her husband at the gates, right? In public places, she openly honors her husband. So in other words, the person being respected would be aware of it, right? You could go to your husband and ask him and he would say, oh yes, I am respected. And so if you have fallen into a pattern of disrespect and as you confess that, as you seek to repent, what's so encouraging is that you'll start to see things that you didn't notice before. You'll start to see things that were always there. You'll start to notice your husband's diligence, his provision, his care, his wisdom, his judgment, right? When we walk in the light, things that were always there start to become more and more visible. Secondly, still in the motivations to submit section in verse 22, we are to notice what Paul does not say. Paul does not say that wives should submit to all husbands. He most certainly does not say that women should submit to men, generally speaking. I can say this as having a wife and two daughters. Believe me, there are innumerable men that I would not want them submitting to, and scripture does not compel them to. No, Paul is very precise. Verse 22, see what he says, wives submit to your own husband, not someone else's, not to men in general, to your own husband. And we know why that is, because the duties of man and wife find their meaning specifically in a covenant. What does Malachi 2 say? She is your wife by way of covenant, this solemn relationship that God himself institutes and presides over. And so we must recover covenantal thinking when it comes to marriage. All of us have been trained to think non-covenantally, right, that marriage is just a partnership, two people partnering together. And non-covenantal thinking always breeds conditionality, right, tit-for-tat thinking. I'll do these things when they are convenient. I'll do these things to the degree that my needs are being met. Covenantal thinking calls for steadfast love, commitment, all rooted in the grace and the power of the gospel. And so we must renew our minds. Why do we make covenants? The only reason we make covenants is because our God is a covenant-making, covenant-keeping God and says, here are blessings for your obedience, curses for your disobedience. And so what that means for verse 22 is that a wife is uniquely bonded to one man, right? She doesn't submit in some vague, impersonal way. No, she's called specifically to her husband. And such submission is precious in God's eyes. It's an imperishable beauty. And so let us receive the encouragement. God is laying out for us the blessings of marriage. I remember when we were first getting married many years ago, I don't know how many times I heard the counsel that, quote, marriage is not to make you happy, but to make you holy. And to a certain extent, I would agree with that, right? God uses marriage to sanctify us. And that often means the pains of sanctification. But I probably push back on the happiness part as an overcorrection. I know for me, at least, the phrase was almost uttered as if to say, expect complete misery in marriage, right? Marriage is just a meat grinder of sanctification, and that's the best you get out of it. But marriage is the gift of God. What does Proverbs say? Enjoy the wife of your youth, as in enjoy her, rejoice in her, right? This is a delight of God when God's covenant is done God's way. And so perhaps we have forgotten what a good God we serve, what a good covenant it is to be married. And so there's a word on the wife's submission. It is done as to the Lord. It's done with respect and honor, and it's done unto one man, specifically in a covenant bond. And so that leads us to our last point, which is the wife's glory. Because we should ask the question, why are things arranged this way? Maybe this is just a first century cultural thing that doesn't apply to the modern age. We can see Paul gives us the meaning of marriage with this metaphor in verse 23. He says this, the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body. And so with that, we have three truths to look at. The first truth is that the husband is the head of his wife. It's sometimes said that men should be the head of their families, act like the head of their families, lead like the head of their families. That's certainly all true. But verse 23 is saying something even more foundational. It's saying that the husband is the head of his family, whether he realizes it or not, whether he acknowledges it or not. If he fancies himself to be a sophisticated, egalitarian man, it matters not. He is the head of his wife. So it becomes a question, is he a true head who models Christ-likeness or not? And so to go back to showing respect and honor, my experience has been that many wives struggle to honor their husbands simply because they don't view him as the head. And so practically speaking, a great first step, especially if you're newer to marriage, is simply to start viewing your husband as your head. Realize you've been catechized by the world to view your husband as a partner, as a friend, as a companion, and he most certainly is those things. But the husband is also your head. And when that view is missing and is absent, then respecting and honoring him as such falls by the wayside. So cultivate a view that begins to say, my husband is my God-appointed head. And that truth leads us to the second truth, where the idea of covenant becomes even clearer, even larger, as Paul makes this statement that the husband as the head is likened to Christ as the head of the church, who is his body. Which one of the most basic things we've seen in Ephesians is that the Christian is in Christ. That's who we are. And now we see that corporately, that the church is united to Jesus Christ, who is our covenant head. And so that means we've got a very important question to answer. What does this term head mean? Right? If we're going to say that the husband is the head and that the wife submits to her husband because he is the head, then we had better understand what does headship mean. And headship means many, many things, but we could simplify it into two parts, authority and responsibility. Authority and responsibility. Firstly, authority. Think of Jesus Christ, right? Christ's authority as head is very obvious, right? He's the head of the church. He rules over her. He guides her. He nourishes her. He cherishes her. He loves her. He equips her. He holds everything together, every joint, every ligament, right? These are all ways in which Christ as head presides over his bride, the church, with authority. Secondly, Christ as head bears responsibility. And for responsibility, you could just think of the word response. Response is contained in the word responsibility, right? When someone's responsible, they have to give an answer. They have to give a response. When Adam and Eve sinned, God comes to Adam. Adam, I need your response. And that is Christ as our head, right? He answers for the sins of his people. He's responsible for the sins of his people. He represents us. And he says, take all the sins of all my people and put them right here as I give my life for them. And that is why headship is such an important truth. Our entire salvation is bound up with the truth that Christ is our head. And that's where we see covenantal love at its fullest expression, that Christ loves his bride ever faithful, ever true, ever steadfastly in covenant fidelity. And so the wife submits to her husband because he is the head. God himself has placed the husband in this position of authority and responsibility. And that's what compels her respect for him. And you can see why when a wife takes this seriously, she would be the furthest thing from a mindless doormat, just the opposite. She would say to her husband, because you bear so much responsibility, because you are my head, how can I help? Where can I give my input, my counsel? How can I best affirm your leadership? How can I be resourceful? How can I pray for you? How can I encourage you? How can I diligently build up my home? And yes, of course, how can I express my needs just as the church expresses her needs to Christ, her head? That's not the least bit unsubmissive to communicate her needs. And so, too, for a wife. And so you see, there's also not the slightest hint that the wife submits to her husband because men are somehow more valuable than women or intrinsically of greater worth. Christianity is sometimes accused of that, and that comes right from pagan Greek philosophy. It was Aristotle, perhaps the greatest mind who ever lived, taught that women were just imperfect versions of men, that something went wrong at their conception, and so women came out as deformed men. That's pagan thought. This is where Christianity is truly progressive. Christianity dropped into the Greco-Roman world and said, no, God created man, male and female in his image. And even more startling than that of Paul's teaching on marriage, it's almost as if he seems to say, hey, we are actors and actresses, and we're about to go on the world stage and heaven and earth are going to be looking on as if he says to men, OK, your role as an actor, you represent Jesus Christ. That's your character assignment. That is who you are playing. And then to the wife, it's as if the spirit says, OK, you're about to go on stage and your character assignment, the one you are representing is the church. That is who you are playing. And so just think of a church that responds to Christ with glad submission. What is that relationship like? That is a church full of warmth and life and vibrancy. That is a church full of security and love and shines brilliantly. And conversely, for a wife to be resistant to her husband's headship, it comes with no small consequences. I remember from my time in health care, we would often have patients receive organ transplants. They get a new kidney, new liver, even get a new heart. And that's a perfect example. You think of a patient and if the head says, OK, body, we're going to get an organ, we're going to get a new heart. Believe it or not, the human body can actually respond in one of two ways. The human body can actually reject that organ transplant, reject the new heart, reject the new liver. And what happens? The body starts to go into a full system failure. It's disastrous consequences for the patient. Or the body can respond and receive that decision. And what happens to both head and body in that situation? Everybody flourishes. The patient flourishes. And that is the glory of the wife. That is the power that she yields. As Proverbs says, the quarrelsome wife can be like toxicity. Or the wife who is receptive to her husband's leadership is a glory to her husband and to their marriage. And so if your conscience is pricked, you say, yes, I've settled into a pattern of resentment, of belittlement towards my husband. I've not submitted to him. I've not respected him as I ought to. And confess it to the Lord. Confess it to him. And know that there is grace for such an occasion as this. God's kindness will lead you in repentance. And Scripture does not promise a happy marriage overnight. But no doubt Scripture promises that God will forgive you. He'll be gracious to you. He'll restore you. And he promises covenant blessings for such an arrangement of man and wife. Go and enjoy what it is to be a version of Christ and his bride. And so that leads us to Paul's concluding thought in verse 24, the scope of submission. Paul signs off saying, now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Now we've already seen that the husband as head possesses authority. But it is in every way a limited authority, a delegated authority. So we must be clear that the wife is certainly not duty bound to submit to her husband in any way. If he's leading her to disobey God, if he's committing any kind of abuse, violence, infidelity, or the like. She is not only free to disobey, she must disobey man and obey God and bring such things before the elders. At the same time, we must be cautious of the human heart, both male and female. The temptation is to search out for limitations to obedience. To be like that man who said to Jesus, who is my neighbor really? Right? Where can I draw the line? Where's my escape hatch? But remember, Paul is encouraging us. What has he told us all along? You once were darkness, now you are light. You once were dead, now you're alive. And so if we want a renewed marriage, we must have a renewed mind. We ought not to come to God's word thinking, how can I drudge my way through this? No, God's word is life-giving. It is sweeter than honey from the honeycomb. It's reviving to the soul. It's reviving to a marriage. So Paul says, wives, submit to your husbands in everything. Because remember, the overarching metaphor is the church to Christ. And so practically speaking, submission in all things would mean things like finances, educating and disciplining the children, finding a local church, where to live, what the priorities of the family are. And of course, every marriage will look different, but the main idea is that there's no part of the wife that would seek to be apart from her husband's headship. Right? The right instinct would be, what does my head think about such things? And so as we begin to close, let's lay up in our hearts four applications that will serve double duty. In the sense, four things that apply to the church, submitting to Christ, and a wife submitting to her husband. Firstly, flourishing submission. Flourishing submission. That sounds almost like an oxymoron, doesn't it? But this is what the world refuses to see. Just ask yourself a simple question. When the church submits to Christ, what happens? Is that church shackled and oppressed? No, we've seen in Ephesians that when the church submits to Christ, what happens? That body is nourished, that body is cherished, it grows with the growth from God, it builds itself up in love, and so too for the submissive wife. As she submits to her head, she flourishes. As the psalmist says, she is like a fruitful vine. So one, flourishing submission. Secondly, spirit-filled submission. Spirit-filled submission. Remember, this section comes right in that command, be filled with the Spirit. It is by the Spirit alone that the church is empowered to put off the old self and to put on the new self, to put off entitlement or bitterness and to put on the new self, to do what the church could never do in its own strength. And so too for wives. In the flesh, true submission is not possible. There's no doubt there will be times of saying, I don't want to, I don't like it, I won't. And you'd be right. You cannot in your own flesh and in your own power. But such as the Spirit's work in our lives to conform us to Jesus Christ, to conform us to the one who willfully, joyfully submitted himself to the Father. Thirdly, grace-filled submission. Grace-filled submission. We've seen that the only way the church submits to Christ is by God's grace. That when we were dead, by grace we were saved. By grace we were made alive. So too for wives. Submitting to their husbands is just the natural extension of God's grace at work in their lives. And so rely on God's grace to humble you, to empower you, ironically to strengthen your will in order to defer your will at times. And lastly, ornamental submission. Ornamental submission. It just says you put ornaments on a tree to adorn it, to beautify it. So too as the church submits to Jesus Christ, it adorns the gospel. It brings this great glory to the gospel, right? And the church becomes more and more radiant, more and more splendid. As Ephesians says, the church is presented holy and blameless without spot or wrinkle. And so too does a wife's submission to her head. She signs forth with this imperishable beauty that as 1 Peter says, this gentle, this quiet spirit is very precious in God's eyes. Indeed, how could it not be? For what is this thing called marriage? It's just a picture of the greatest love of all, the love of Jesus Christ for his bride, the church. Let us pray.