episode 20 season 1

The podcast discusses the importance of discerning between what is real and what is fake in relationships. It emphasizes the need to address the root causes of bitterness in order to have healthy relationships. The hosts also talk about the dangers of pretending and the importance of being authentic. They encourage self-reflection and self-acceptance in order to avoid pretending and to have fulfilling relationships. Yo, yo, yo, welcome back to Word of Mouth podcast with Nadine Shelby. This is part two of the two words that we just choose to talk about today, and that was counterfeit and pretend. Now, using those words, of course, when you look at the people that are in our lives and how we ought to be able to discern the difference between. If you haven't heard part one, go listen to part one. It's good, but we got to keep it moving, and something that Shelby brought out today in the last podcast, I'm going to keep that going. She spoke about bitterness. Now, it's impossible for you to see the difference between real and fake when you are bitter. Yes, because you're clouded. She mentioned because you're cloudy, because you're confused, and we know who wrote that book. The devil is the author of confusion. Yes, so with that, what's the process of dealing with the roots of bitterness? You got to go way down deep. You got to go through your past. You got to figure out where it came from, and sometimes, for me, it was stuff that happened when I was a kid that I wasn't even aware of. Whoa. Yeah. I mean, you got to go back. It didn't just start in your marriage. So, you're telling me I got to go back further than the previous marriage, and I got to go back to my childhood? You got to go back as far as you can remember, yes, and start digging crap up. Dig up them bones. Hmm. Wow. Randy Travis song, digging up bones. Well, you know what? That's scripture. I get it. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Ezekiel 28, the Bible says he told Ezekiel to go to the Valley of the Dry Bones. Now, he said, I need you to go and breathe into them. That means you got to dig them up. You got to realize why they are here and understand that you got to breathe life back into them because you never dealt with it. Yeah, but you have to have discernment because, remember, we talked about letting dead things be dead a couple of times ago, and so there is a big difference between what you need to resurrect and what needs to be dead. Come on. Talk about it. And you've got to have discernment about that because, you know, some of them relationships in the past when you tell them, look, you're the dead thing, and I got to leave you in the past, and then they go, well, it's resurrection week. It's funny that you say that. Amen. That's called the spirit of discernment. I got to know the difference. Yes. It's important to know the difference between the dead things that need to stay dead and those things that you have to dig up and deal with the root of it. Yes. So that you can have life. Yes. Yes. It's still pulling on your mental. It's still pulling on your emotional. It's still connecting you to something that is negative. Yes, absolutely, and poisonous. Yeah. Roots of bitterness are very poisonous. They're very toxic, and they will leak out, you know, like when you pull like a weed and it's got that milky sap. Yes. Yeah. Wow. And that sticky crap. Roots of bitterness are really bad, and they bleed into every part of your life. Like, they don't just stick with your relationship. They bleed into everything. They bleed into your children's relationship with you, everything. So they start, like, expanding? Yeah. What? Yeah. Wow. This is getting juicy, y'all. So I never deal with the bitterness that was in my life, even as a kid. Yes, and it starts, I mean, for me, it was a very young thing, so you do have to absolutely go all the way back, and there will be, when you're really focused on doing it, there will be things, you know, issues in your life that you can immediately, you know, say, oh, well, I wonder if that's it. And then you deal with that, okay, but you may find out that that's not really it. It goes further than that. It goes, you know, before that, something had already started, so then you've got to go back to that. Wow. And you just have to keep going back until you hit a place where you're like, yeah, that's, I think that's where it started. And so once you reach that place right there, what do you do? For you, what do you do? You cry. Wow. You cry. You cry, you weep, you got to get it out, whatever it is, and you have to deal with it. You have to emotionally deal with it. You have to, I think, you know, if you need to write it down, if you need to process it that way, if you need to talk to someone, a therapist, whatever about it, I think those are all positive steps. You've got it, but you have to get it out. You have to deal with it somehow. Wow. And then you've got to, you've got to close that door, burn that root. So as you're talking, I'm, I went to the dentist one time and my dentist told me that he had to do a root canal, and I said, you know, what is that? He said, I have to go and take the whole tooth extraction and get it completely out because it's causing other infection to form, and it's potentially hurting other teeth. The tissue. The healthy stuff. This lady is preaching, and I didn't understand because he was like, man, it's going to cost me. I was like, well, can you just kind of just take that one tooth out? No, because the root. Yes, the root. If you don't deal with the root, oh my God, if you never deal with the root of it, you can potentially poison every other. Everything. That's what I said. It will poison everything. So we're wondering why our relationships, our friendships, even in our family, we wonder why it's never fully healthy. It only lasts for a week, a year, a month, ten years, whatever, but it's never at its full potential because we've never dealt with the root. That's a very good possibility. Wow. Wow. That's so good. How can I discern the counterfeits? I've got a root that I haven't dealt with since I was ten. Right. How can I? Wow. Everything would look cloudy. Well, I think when you have a root of bitterness, there will be a cycle present in your life and at some point, you will notice that cycle because it will have invaded everything. That's good. It will be pervasive. You're constantly seeing the same thing happen over and over. Yeah, and it can be in different aspects of your life. So that's when you really go, oh, like there's something going on. Oh, wow. And sometimes someone has to point that out to you. You're not getting it because you're just riding that hamster wheel, man. Yeah, but somebody pointed out to you, you're mad. You're upset. You're like, who are you talking to? You can't tell me. Well, hopefully, it's someone who does it in a very caring manner and they give it to about you. Well, that can be brought out as well because if I'm entering into something else or jumping from, as you said earlier, point A to point B to point C, once that person in point B, if they don't know what happened to me in point A and they say, hey, you got a problem with X, Y, and Z, I'm going to look at point B like I did point A. Right. And I'm going off because you have no means. Yeah, but guess what? You're going off because that root is there and you ain't pulled it. Bucket. Right, exactly. And it has nothing to do with person B. And we wonder why we're in a cycle. You're bleeding on them. We wonder why we're having the same arguments with person B or person C that you had with person A. You never dealt with the root of bitterness. Right. That's just, I mean, can we drop the mic and say that's period right there? And we say bitterness, but bitterness, it's the root of anger. It's all that. It's bitterness has a lot of facets to it. Yeah. And none of them are good. Anger is the manifestation of bitterness. And fear. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Frustration. Aggravation. Yikes. Right. All of that. So it's, you know, we're not, we're saying bitterness, but it represents a lot of things. Absolutely. Now, those are little manifestations that lead to that bitterness that ultimately lead to fear because we're scared. Right. We're scared. But we were talking about judgment and standards too. Mm-hmm. And how can you, you're not going to be able to see a counterfeit if you're not, if you don't have standards and if you don't, aren't able to have righteous judgment. Mm-hmm. There is such a thing as righteous judgment. Yes. We're not just talking about judging each other, which we all do in our heads and sometimes out our mouths. Right. But yes, there is righteous judgment and we do have to use that. Mm-hmm. And we do have to have standards and we do have to have boundaries. And those are all things that are not scary things that are bad things. But that's all part of it. That's all part of being able to see a counterfeit. Yes. And sometimes it takes time. Oh my God. And they have to be revealed through time. So you're not going to see it necessarily. I guess this is making me understand, especially parts of my life from a transparent standpoint, that I rode a cycle for a very long time because I never dealt with the root of it. Mm-hmm. So my standards were not really standards. They was just things I said. Right. Just words. It wasn't a standard. Right. There was no boundaries, not even for myself. I just said boundaries for myself. Well, I'm terrible with those. I have been terrible with those. Hopefully I'm getting better. But yeah, boundaries are very difficult for me. Listening to you, it should be evident now that if I don't dig deep down into whatever that thing that caused me to be bitter, I would never have standards. I would never realize my full potential of who I am. Well, yeah. You're never going to see the worth that you have, the value that you have. Everything can be surface in your words. Well, yeah. Everything can be surface. Everything can be surface. Mm-hmm. And surface, you know, you can get through life on the surface. Absolutely. I think so many people do it. Yeah, we were out there. We're out there a lot easier. Yeah. You know, you can live life on the surface. You can live life being a surface person and not letting anybody in. But like we just talked about, you're denying yourself because you're forgetting how good it can be. And there is good out there. And not everything is nasty. Not everything is what your past was. So you have to allow yourself the opportunity to have a chance at that again. It can be great. It can be great. It can be pure. It can be... It can be better. It could be the best you've ever had. How would you know? But if you don't... How would you know? If you're just going to sit on the surface... You're going to ride the waves. Float around. And we hope and pray... We know we're talking to ourselves right now. Yes. We hope and pray that we don't continue to ride the waves because of the root of bitterness or fear or... Or counterfeits in our lives. Yes. Yes. Wow. And we've all had them. Absolutely. In all different aspects. Absolutely. Counterfeits for me have common forms of family members, friends of course, leaders in the church. But have you been one yourself? I'm about to say it. A counterfeit has been me looking in the mirror. Because I realized that the person that I was being for everyone else wasn't me. Wasn't you. Yep. That's a mic drop right there because I think we've all done that. How many times have I looked at myself and said, that's not you. That's not who you are. What are you doing? But I did it because, hey, you know, this or that. And that's when we really have to take a self-evaluation. Yeah. Lying to yourself is a... That's a big deal. How amazing it is for us to talk about it now that that small root there probably started years and years ago. Why didn't we deal with it? Or how did it get this far off? Like you see the snowball going down a hill. It's going to get bigger if it's in snow. Yeah. Why didn't you stop it? Well, if it happened as a child, you're not going to even realize that it's happening. And you have no wherewithal or understanding to do anything about it. So I'm raising my hand. Why didn't I stop it in relationships? When I was old enough to understand that it was a cycle. Well, when you understood it was a cycle, I can't answer that for you. But if you don't understand it's a cycle, then it's just because you haven't hit that wall yet. Wow. I think I didn't stop it because I was scared. Yes. And a lot of people, you just want to put a Band-Aid over it, right? Just it'll go away. Like we've talked about before. If we just let it lie, it'll go away. No, it doesn't go away. Doesn't go away. This is why we can have this very open, honest conversation because we all have faced that. I'm not ashamed to say I was afraid to deal with cycles and to deal with my standards and stuff like that. Well, I mean, I'll be honest with you. I mean, I am really secure about pretty much everything in my life but me. Whoa. I am a really insecure person and I'm just now realizing that I take a lot of reassurance. Wow. So that's just understanding who I am. Yes. In some ways that takes the pressure off but in some ways it doesn't. But like I can kill it. I can kill almost every subject in my life. I'll get it. No problem. I ain't afraid of nothing. But then when it comes to me, I'm like, ooh. I need a little extra help over there. It makes sense. It goes back to what you have literally been talking about. I've never dealt with that root. But I've dealt with the root though. I mean, I have. I'm just now realizing that that's kind of my makeup and that's who I am. Yeah, it stems from that whenever I started but it's not completely healed. Wow. I'm whole but I have flesh wounds. Sometimes those flesh wounds can... I'm not like dragging a leg or anything. They'll bleed and sometimes you need gauze instead of a band-aid. Sometimes you need the whole rack. Sometimes you need a full body cast. Racks, yeah. And bubble wrap. Wow, bubble wrap. But that's the only way that we can detect and discern counterfeit. There's another word that we brought out earlier, pretend. I'm old enough to remember this group. It was a group back in the 60s and 70s called the Great Pretenders. Remember that? I thought you were going to talk about Milli Vanilli. I can. Go on. That is a good one. But then you said 60s and 70s and I'm like, where is he going with that? Well, actually, let's go with the Milli Vanilli. Girl, you know it's true. So Milli Vanilli put on a front. A big one. Oh my God. It was a group back in the 80s and we thought that they can sing. Unfortunately, they were lip-syncing. They made tons of money. They really did. They really did. And they did it by pretending. Wow. It's important for us to stay away from that part of our life. Why should we have to pretend being a friend? Why should we have to pretend to love you? Rejection. Yep. I'm asking you. Yep. They're going to leave me here in the dust if I'm really who I am. Come on. The fear of rejection. And lack of self-worth. So I have to pretend so I won't feel unworthy. Well, I hope you don't have to, but I know that's why we do it. Yeah. Absolutely. I got to pretend like I like this job? Sometimes you do have to pretend you like the job because otherwise you're going to be SOL. Yeah. But why can't you get something that you like? Or why don't you? You can, but don't quit the crappy job before you get something you like because you're just digging a hole for yourself. Do not quit. Life lessons. Yes. But make sure that you really tune in on to who you are and accepting who you are so you wouldn't have to pretend. I don't want to pretend around people and be something. You can't hold on to that other person all the time. You'll slip on show. Oh, yeah. You're going to start revealing yourself eventually. Exactly. People who are putting on a show cannot keep up that show. My God. The curtain falls. I had a conversation with, I used to work at CARM here in Knoxville, and I had a conversation with domestic violent women. And it was a counselor that was there. You mean they were victims of it? They were victims. Okay. Yeah. And it was some counselors that were there, and I remember this guy telling the women, he said, it was something that you said earlier, if you give it time, it's going to show. Oh, yeah. Like, you'll see the attributes of it. You'll see the flags peek out here and there. Like, it'll be an oops at first. Right. And then it'll be a, I didn't mean to. Oh, yeah. And then it'll be a, well, you made me do that. And then it turns into full-blown, I'm going to beat the crap out of you. I'm just going to beat the shit out of you. So. I'm showing who I truly am. I truly am. It just took a little while for it to leak out all the way. My God. The pretending is, that hurts more to me than if you just told me up front, hey, I don't like you. Yeah. Yeah, because it undermines your trust. And not just for that person, but then you're not trusting anybody. Right? Because when the ones that you're the closest to and have the most invested in are the ones that kill your trust, that bleeds all over. And don't be a Milli Vanilli with me. You can't see me till the end. I'm going to be singing that song all day long now. Yeah, tell me if you are. I might even go play it later. I'd rather know up front than for you to pretend. That hurts. That hurts. Well, and I think even sometimes when you're courting a person, as I'm using my little air quotes, you tend to like, you know, you want your best foot forward, right? And so you're doing all these things and you're getting the flowers and you're doing this and you're doing that and you're setting up, you know, dates and whatever. At least we used to do that. But that all fades away. Right? Yes, it does. Yeah. No, I'm not saying just go out there and be blase and like, yeah, this is the way it is. We're going to go sit on the couch and do jack squat. Do nothing, right? Yeah. And you're going to be happy about it. Well, that's where the nurturing comes in. I believe that if there's some type of care and concern for that person, you'll want to do something else, hopefully. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, when it was a big, if it's a big pretend in the beginning, I'll give you an example. Yep, I'm going to tell them myself. So back late 90s, I knew a person and it was something small, but it kind of threw me off. So they would wear contacts. And I thought that person had that color eyes. And it was a certain eye color that they would wear all the time. So I was like, man, your eyes are just gorgeous. They're beautiful. And one day I showed up at the person's. They did look like that, didn't they? Their eyes was a different color. And I was like, what just happened? Are you okay? I'm sorry. When you said that, what just happened? I was confused. What? Like, you okay? What happened to your eyes? And they told me, but it was like almost two years later. Wow. I didn't know. So I was confused. Like, you couldn't tell me that at the beginning? Like, I didn't, it couldn't be a prescription. Yeah. I was just confused. I mean, we talked about it, but I was confused because why did you pretend to be something or carry a physical attribute? And it wasn't. Yeah. Because I remember a situation where, you remember the talk show host, Jenny Jones? Yeah. She had a person on her show and it was a female, but it just so happened to be a male. Whoopsie. Another conversation, but like, don't pretend with me. Yeah, that's a bad one. You're going to get your ass whooped if you do that. I know people do that, but you're going to get your ass whooped. Don't do that. No. Please don't do that. Don't pretend to be a whole other sex of a person and you're something else. Yeah, that's the wrong pretend. But I think it's okay to at least, if you are pretending, tell the truth eventually. Eventually? But when? Like, when is that eventually? Like, you know, everybody has a different standard of what eventually is. Okay, well, can I tell my eventually? Okay. Tell me up front quick. Yeah. Like, I'm going to wait a year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, like, I don't know, just me personally, but I would think like the three month mark, like if you're steady going on with someone, then like the three month mark is, you've got to... Yes. Say something. Be real. Like, okay, here you go. And, you know, even if you got dentures, take them out. This is me. I can't record. Oh my God. I just think it's important not to pretend. I guess I get bothered with the pretend because there's a particular animal called a chameleon, and chameleon always blend into its surrounding. I don't want you to blend in if you're with me. I need to know who you are. Don't just blend in because it's something that I like. If you tell me, you know, I'm not, I don't really like eating rice because I'm a rice eater. Then tell me up front. Don't put on the front and then weave two years in. This is so good. Right. And then you tell me two years in after marriage, I ain't never like rice. And not only that, but that creates a root of bitterness. Yes. Because you're putting up with something that's not real. And eventually you're going to get really pissed off about it, and you're going to be like, okay, I'm done. Like, peace out on this one because that's what we do to ourselves by being fake. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I know these are, you know, just normal stories, but I'm quite sure everybody got a story in that. Don't pretend with me. Friends, family, don't pretend with me. Like, if you can't give me honesty, I'll give you a week, maybe a month or so. If you can't give me honesty of who you really are, I'm good. And there's, you know, I think people say, well, they're going to get hurt. You don't have to be rude about it. There are nice ways to say things that aren't so nice. I agree. At least be respectful, for sure. We can all do that. That's the least we deserve from each other. Yes. Yes. If you don't like something I do, you don't like something I cook, you don't like something I wear, whatever, just eventually tell me. And there's a nice way to tell me. Right. If you don't like my cologne, just get in the car with me. Buy you another car. Right. Give me a gift. I'll kind of figure it out. There were times where, oh my God, we're getting close. There were times where I had to tell a friend, and he would get in my car all the time. I would tell a friend, are you sure you don't want any gum? Uh-oh. Are you real sure? I got a lot of gum and a lot of mint over there. Like, they sitting right there. I'm about to put one in your mouth right now. That's what I'm telling you. Eventually, I just told him, I was like, hey man, you ever been to the dentist? Like, you good? Because you got a smell. There's a folk. You got a smell. There's a folk in here. But I felt like from a friend, he needed to know. You know, because somebody else was probably talking about him really, really bad. But if I'm going to be some kind of friend to him, I got to tell him. Yeah. Same thing in relationships. Same thing is, you know, anything. Yeah. The ushers at the church give you mints when you want them. Amen. So counterfeit and pretending, we really have to dig to the root of that thing and understand that if you never deal with it, it's not going to change. You have to face it. Absolutely. You have to face it. And it ain't fun. My God. It's not easy. It takes time. It really does. It takes time to really get down to the icky stuff. Yes. That was my last question for you. Even just, you know, your last words of this podcast. What is the solution after you deal with the root of bitterness? Well, once it's really out, you feel totally different, totally relieved, totally like it's something broke off you. But you have to be aware of your triggers that are going to cause it to get stirred again or have that little seed planted. So it's just a lot of learning about yourself. It's just a lot of self-evaluation and kind of staying in that space, I think. But it's, you know, the truth will set you free. The truth will set you free. And that's facts, man. She said it. Be truthful with yourself first. Amen. So thanks so much for tuning in to Word of Mouth Podcast. I'm going to go listen to Millie Vanooey. We'll see y'all soon. Have a good one. Love ya. Bye.