VOAA Ep 6_ Building Intentional Friendships

Friendship is a relationship between two people characterized by affection, trust, and companionship. It is not obligatory, but a choice made by both parties. Friendship is egalitarian and involves shared activities. Some friendships may last a lifetime, while others may fade away naturally. Intentional friendships are purposeful, deep, and contribute to personal growth. They are built on shared values and interests, as well as mutual respect. It is important to reflect on the quality of relationships and choose friends who align with one's values and aspirations. Hi, let's talk friendship. That's a common word we hear in our everyday. But, what does friendship mean? So, according to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, a friend is one that is attached to another by affection or esteem. A friend is someone that is not hostile. A friend is a favoured companion. Okay, so what does friendship mean? If a friend is someone who is not hostile, who is attached to you by affection, and a friend is somebody who is a favoured companion, what does friendship mean? According to the Britannica dictionary, well, this is a dictionary. I don't think Britannica is a dictionary. Anyways, according to Britannica, friendship is a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. I'll take that again. Friendship is a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. That sounds like a lot of things said, but that's anything we didn't say. It goes further to say, friendship is generally characterized by five defining features. One, it's a dyadic relationship. That's the first time I'm coming across that word. Forgive me. Dyadic. So, D-Y-A-D-I-C. I'm reading from Britannica. It is a dyadic relationship, which means that it involves a series of interactions between two individuals known to each other. Second characteristic of friendship, it is recognized by both members of the relationship, and it is characterized by a bond, or tie of reciprocated affection. Now, that's where my emphasis is. It's not just one-sided. It is by both parties, and it is characterized by reciprocation. So, you're my friend means I'm your friend. Friendship is a two-way street. It is not a one-way thing. Friendship is not obligatory because two individuals choose to form a friendship. Yes. So, I don't come to you to force friendship. We're not friends because we know each other. We're friends because we have decided to go beyond, to favor each other amongst other companions. Remember, Merriam-Webster says a friend is someone who is a favored companion. So, it's not obligatory. It is choice. Second characteristic of friendship, according to Britannica, it says it is typically egalitarian in nature, which simply means that it's not a parent-child relationship that you know that, oh, this one is natural. It comes like that. Friendship has about the same amount of power or relationship. So, I'm not saying boss to employee. I'm not saying mother to child, right? You know that one has hierarchy. I'm saying they are equal, same level, same ground. And friendship is always characterized by companionship and shared activities. In fact, one of the primary goals and principles of friendship is companionship. A friendship may expand a lifetime or it may not. Now, one thing I need people to understand is some friends are just for a phase. And after that phase, they launch you into bigger things. They are launched into bigger things. And you're not friends anymore. So, maybe you keep the contact. And you're like, hi, hi, what's what? But you're not friends anymore. I'm going to tell you a story. I hope that was scary to tell. So, I used to have this friend in primary school. I used to call her my best friend, Miriam. Everywhere you saw Miriam, you see me. We were like blood and water, right? Blood and water, we need each other. We're definitely not oil and water. If maybe past is your front line, you know that I'm in front or I'm behind. We're like sisters. But after secondary school, this was like junior secondary, Miriam changed schools. She went to another school. I also went to another school because the school shut down. Not shut down, shut down, but relocated out of Lagos. So, we had to live different lives. And this was one of the times where we had cell phones. I mean, in our times, if you're a millennial, you know that your parents did not train you with phones. In fact, we were lucky to have a phone then. It was even a button phone. You'd be so excited that you can place a call to somebody. But my mom didn't train us like that. In fact, at some point, they bought a landline at home so that I could call home to know how we were doing. That's the difference there. So, after some time, myself and Mary, we got in contact using social media. And I remember I called her, hey, my best friend. And Mary said something to me that upset me at that time, but thinking about it, she was right. She said, we didn't have to tag our friendship for us to be friends. It hurt me because we were best friends. I didn't think we were best friends. We were best friends. And I felt, why would she say that? Okay, I know that we've been apart for a while, but why would you say I didn't have to tag our friendship? Tagging it gave it the weight and needed it to carry in my heart. And I noticed that after that time, Mary and I were never friends anymore. We're still not friends to date. I think we're still in each other's contacts on social media or something. I'll have to check my Instagram to be sure. But after that, Mary and I were not friends anymore. Mary and Mary, same person said things. So, I said all of that to say, not all friendships are for a lifetime. If you do an evaluation of yourself, you'll see that there are some people you have been friends with that you're no longer friends with, but nothing really happened that you guys are no longer friends. So, it's not like we fought and then we don't talk anymore. I, for instance, used to have a friend that was somewhat my best friend. People used to call us lesbians because we were so close. She was a mutual friend to my husband. But after some time, she introduced my husband and I. After some time, we just stopped talking. Okay, we had friendship glitches, we had arguments, we quarreled over something, but we got back together and it just died a natural death. So, I cannot particularly say this is why I stopped talking to Becky. And just, what happened? Every time I try to think about it, one time I chatted up. I'm like, really, what happened to us? How did we go from so close to so far that all I remember about her is your name? And well, the memories we had. Especially when I look at Snapchat, and I'm like, ah, what really happened? She was a good person. Well, I can't say she is a good person. Well, she is a good person. Maybe she was a good person. We had our flaws here and there, but I don't know. So, which brings me to the core of my conversation to you today. Using intentional friendships. And I'm saying intentional because friendships happen and then unhappen. But when you're intentional about your friend, there could be a lifetime. So, intentionality, according to Google, or intentional, means done on purpose, something deliberate. William Webster further goes to say, intentional implies full consciousness of the nature of one's act and its consequences. Cambridge Dictionary says intentional means planned or intended. Well, we don't use the word to define the word, so I'm not going with that. But it simply means doing something with full consciousness. So, when I'm talking about intentional friendships here, I'm saying, I like this person. I once had a colleague that called me her spirit animal. I don't know what that means. I've never been hearing it before then. But it just made me chuckle. She's like, the moment I met you, I just liked you. My spirit connected with yours. And I'd like to be in your space. I want to be your friend. I mean, if I know that we're friends, I'm your friend. I don't force friendships. I like her. I wouldn't call her my friend. Maybe unless we choose to be intentional about us and then go beyond just the hi-hi, what's-her-status thing. But as of now, I won't call her my friend. What being intentional about friendship is, going beyond the everyday, going beyond the ordinary, going beyond what people would see, so to speak. I'm making all of that happen for the sake of you. So, it means, I like you. I would like for you to be in my space. Let's grow together. Let's have each other's backs. Let's be kind to each other. That's what being intentional about friendships means. So, there's a lot of connectivity happening in today's world. But it becomes a bother to me. And I'm thinking about it like, do people reflect on the quality of relationships? Do you reflect on the friendship? Can you say relationships generally? Because everybody around you, do you reflect like, me and Lapaja, what are we? Are we just acquaintances? Are we friends? Are we colleagues? Are we friend of friend? I'm just one of those people I know. We don't know if we know where to group them into. It's not everybody that you know that is your friend who they draw. You know, say, I want to talk to somebody about somebody and they say, ah, I get one friend who I get. Your friends define you. Maybe you haven't realized, people associate you based on what they see your friends do. I think I said that right. People will judge you based on your associations. So, if your friend is a low show, by death, people will say that you're a low show, even if you're not. Even if, oh, maybe it's very possible that you're not and then you're trying to get this person to stop doing that. If you smoke, or if your friends smoke, people will say that you smoke. If your friends are the clubbing type, people will say that you are the clubbing type. Because it's a belief that you attract what is familiar or what is similar to you. I know that in science they say opposites attract, but a lot of the time, in friendships and relationships, you attract people that have similar characteristics, similar traits as yourself. Intentional friendships go beyond casual encounters. They are purposeful, they are deep, they contribute to personal growth. Not show your friends, people that align with your values, aspirations, not show them. Building intentional friendships requires a strong foundation. It requires a strong foundation from shared values and interests to mutual respect, genuine support. These are the bedrocks of friendships that will stand the test of time. How do you still want this person in your space and how? How can this person be of value to me and how can I be of value to them? Do not have friends that drain you. If you begin to see that this person is draining you, either physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, sometimes with your words. You just got married and every time you are talking to your friends about, my husband did something for me, my husband did something for me, trust me I know what it feels like. And the person goes, maybe only you first married. Or all those, please help me go marry you. Don't just take it as nothing. That person is not your friend, that's why we should be good. If the person says, ah God when, no, but genuinely God when. The person is genuinely God whening for her own self or his own self. If the person is like, ah I really admire the way you talk about your husband or your wife or your spouse or I really like the way you are growing in your career and I really envy that and I want it for myself. Not because the person wants your life, but just because the person wants you to grow as well. Hold such a person dear, maybe mentor the person. But if the person is God whening out of sarcasm, if the person is God whening out of spite, God when no, read the body language. Checking the non-verbal cues. Girl, and this happens a lot amongst ladies. Why are you envying another person? Like you say it's your friend. God knows, I pray daily for they have to celebrate my friends when they wean. Because there's this saying that when your friends are weaning, God is in your neighborhood and there's only one way you can connect to that. I have a handful of friends. My friends are no more than maybe five of my fingers. There's D, there's G, there is L, there is... hold on. Maybe because I'm not saying their names out. Dilla is D, Eugene is G, Ladi is L, Florence is my... I can't even forget that girl. Florence is my homegirl. Those are people I would call friends. Four of them. And I'm very intentional about them. I'm very intentional to the point that I created friendship schedules like monthly meetings. We must talk every month. So life will happen. But me and you, we must talk every month. If I come across something on social media or an article that I think would be beneficial to you, I will send it. Oh, I came across this thing, I think it's beneficial to you. I listen to them. I cry with them. I pray with them. I jubilate. I celebrate with them. Oh my God. Dilla just got a job and Dilla knows how. I screamed. She just texted me, oh I got a job. I was so excited for her. Like when Eugene finally relocated to the UK. I was so elated for her. When she finally got her visa, I was so elated for her. When Bashira just got her banking job, I was so happy that our life was beginning to make sense. Now I have other people in my corner that I would not particularly call friends unless they choose to. So we will say we are friends, but we are not intentional. If I should put it that way. So we are friends. So someone like Esba, Mercy, we are friends. But we are not intentional about each other. So sometimes we share our good news, sometimes we share our pains. But I have not exactly taken it upon myself to say, you know what, I want to see you grow. I want to watch you grow. I want to nurture this friendship with you. Maybe because I feel like it's not time. Or maybe because I'm not getting that same vibe from them. Or maybe because we are so much more different than we are alike. I don't know what it is. But the first four ladies I mentioned, Lade, Deola, Florence, Eugenie, those are my right hand women. Those are people I would die for. Those are people that I would do things for without thinking twice. If I don't have the resources, I will look for it. Those are people that I would travel to the ends of the earth for. If Ugonwa is getting married today, as she is doing already in the UK, unless they don't grant me a visa, I will make sure that I'm there. So these are friends that I'm intentional about. So one way you can be intentional about your friends is, one of them, check in. Don't let them stay without you saying hi. If you want to, maybe schedule this on every Monday, I will text all of my friends. Hi, how are you doing this week? Is there something you want me to put in here about? I just thought about you. Even if it means dropping them a very nice message they don't even think that they need or they don't know that they need. Even if it means that, build intentional friendships. The world is so perverse and chaotic. So now be alone, all by yourself. And I'm not saying go and gather people onto yourself. You have people in your corner that are yours, that are pillars. People who will shield you, people who will roof you. My husband knows all of my friends and he likes them. In fact, I have a friend, Florence, who will be planning her wedding. And I have to tell my husband, please speak to Florence. Like, advise her from a man's perspective. And after he spoke to her, she was so excited, she was like, ah, thank you, you honoured me, your husband honoured me, I feel so honoured, I'm grateful. I wouldn't just tell my husband to come and talk to any random person who's getting married. Yeah, yeah, okay, we'll come to your wedding, we'll eat rice and party. Not that I don't care about you, but it's not that deep. I'm a lover girl, so when I put my emotions into something, I see it through. Like my marriage. Now, friendships will come up with challenges. That one is inevitable, because we are all different people. But just like every relationship, friendships can overcome. Whether the challenge is time constraints, misunderstandings or life changes. Overcoming all of these hurdles is essential for the longevity of your intentional friendship. So think through practical tips that you and your friends can work through. Create your vision board together. If you want to do a generic vision board, if you now want to come down and do a career vision board, if you want to do a friendship vision board, do whatever. Every year, towards the end of the year, I tell my friends, oh we are having the vision board talk. We are having the vision board talk. Like I schedule it, we are having the vision board talk. I need to know what your goals are, where are you going, where are you planning to go, what can serve as obstacles. Well, of course we are building over these things. But then we do quarterly check-ins. I do this with Gonwa, where I'm talking to every other person. Quarterly check-ins, I set it on the calendar. Like this is vision board check-in. From the 10 things on your vision board that you intend to do this year, what have you done? Where are you towards achieving the others? Goal setting, we set goals together, we plan together. I want to pray more this year. So if I come across a man of God, like Apostle Ephraim Lazarus, or Apostle Emmanuel Irene, or Pastor Bolaji, I share their prayers with my friends. Hey, I came in contact with this man, I love the way he teaches. You should listen to him. Be respectful of your religion, because lad is Muslim. As long as you are open to receiving God. And I respect your faith. If you say, oh no, I'm strictly Islam, I don't want to hear anything that is a Christian. If you are my friends that I'm not very intentional about, I have still shared things that I think will help them, because they shared something with me. So you share a problem with me, and maybe I'm listening to a podcast, and this podcast addresses that concern you shared with me, I'm like, girl listen to this person. I've had to share a podcast of Pastor Mildred Okonkwo with a friend who was going through a tough time with her husband before they married. And the girl was grateful that it really helped her, it changed her perspective. And I said, listen to that woman, she talks. Now for you to build intentional friendship, you have to be self-aware. You have to know that you have flaws, and know what your flaws are, what are your needs, what are your boundaries, what is your communication style, are you easily offended by things that people say, are you a sarcastic person, do you know how to take a joke? What's your sense of humor like? The most authentic friendships stem from deep understanding of ourselves, me, what am I like? Before I can start blaming Florence for offending me, did she really offend me or did I take offense to what she said or did? So when you're intentional about your friends, when you're deliberate, when you're doing things, when you're doing this friendship consciously, like you're working out your salvation, like you're working out your marriage, if you're building your friends like that, no one knows. There's some people that won't even go to their home attending their events. Like, ah, a friend of mine is getting married, but I'm really not going. But these four ladies that I mentioned, if they're doing an event, the man will even ask me, why are you not going? So be self-aware. Know thyself, lady. Maybe she didn't say anything harmful, maybe he didn't do anything wrong. It was just you that took offense to it because maybe there's like an underlying trigger, right? And maybe the person just triggered the spark to that thing. It has nothing to do with them. It's you. So sometimes, if and when you need a break, talk to your friend. Say, girl, I need to do me for the next one week. I just, I want to be off. No calls, no texts. I promise you I'm fine. I just want to take time to myself. As soon as you're back, reach out to your friends. Hey, I'm back from my self-retreat. I'm still not open to speaking to people, but you can drop me a text. You can text me a voicemail and all of that. Be intentional about your friendships. That's what I'm encouraging you to do today. Be intentional about your friendships, unless you don't care about anybody. You're not meant to do life alone. So I read this book written by Adetun Jagade, BFF, Building Friendships Forever. Adetun Jagade is somebody I admire. I admire her a lot. And the book was very powerful. It opened my eyes, changed my perspective on how I see my friends. And I intend to buy that book for all of my friends. Because, tell me to read it as well. It's a blessing. The book is a blessing to us. I encourage you to read it. That is a paid ad though. Adetun probably doesn't even know who I am. I am not running an ad for her. I'm just saying that I read the book and it blessed me. You can read it. It's a short book. It's not a novel novel. It's not as big as Becoming by Michelle Obama. It's just a small book. It's written like a diary so that you can easily read. It's big font, large spacing, so you can just easily read through. It doesn't take you, you can finish it in a day. It is a very powerful book and she's been a blessing to me through that book. So you can get it. It's the BFF. You can search them on Instagram. I don't know, just search BFF. You see the blue logo with Best Friends Forever or BFF Lifestyle or something. I think it's BFF Lifestyle. So you can grab yourself a copy. It used to go for 7,000 but given inflation and all, it might have gone higher. But get you a copy anyways. And after reading, don't just stop it. Get for your friend as well. Because we need to build friendships. So yeah, I was going to tell this story. It escaped my mind. Wrapping up, I met someone, this guy. He offered me a lift, which I accepted by the way. It was a sunny day in Lagos, Chevron. And I wanted friendship with this guy. I liked his persona. He was just easy going, direct. But he didn't want friendship with me. And I texted him. I was like, oh hey, I remember, I realized that after we shared contact, we've not really talked. And the guy says to me, oh, he found out I was married or I told him I was married. And I feel like that's where everything went cold with him. And one time he asked me, what do you want from me? I was like, gee, I just want to be your friend. I want friendship from you. And he says, no, he can't be friends with me. Like if he's not romantically involved with me, he cannot be platonic with me. And I said, okay, thanks for being honest. And then after that, that encounter got me thinking. I see that people are not interested in building friendships anymore. I have this guy friend, CJ. He's in the UK. Yes, he's my friend. We've not been very intentional about each other, but he's my friend. He's someone I look out for. I check on him once a month. And I think this out loud makes me feel like I'm intentional with him, but we just haven't defined it, that we're intentional. So yeah, I should reach out to him. Thank you for that. So the encounter with this dude I met made me realize that people are not building friendships anymore. They're just out to, how should I say, knock and go. Especially between opposites genders. I mean, girls to girlfriends, now there's this thing, boys to boyfriends, it's not gay there. The best kind of friendships are, what's it called, cross-gender. I have a friend, T. We've been old friends. We've been friends since like 2015. Wow, saying this out loud now. Sounds funny. Creepy. We've been friends since almost 10 years. We're not intentional about each other. We're just kind of friends where we can start a conversation today, leave it, not talk till like six months. When we talk, we'll then pick it up again, continue from where we stopped, talk, talk, talk, talk, you know, excitement. We're not intentional about each other, I'm saying, because every time I bring up a tough conversation, he shies away from it. He makes it look like I'm trying to mummy him, and I'm like, okay, this person is not ready to go. He's my friend, but I'm just going to kick him down, not turn him from the side, until he's ready to face the hard realities of life. So yeah, I said all of that from the beginning, for the last 32 minutes, to say, be intentional about your friends. Okay, I hope with these few points of mine, I've been able to convince you, and not to confuse you, to be intentional about your friends, build intentional friendships. Maybe not all of your friends, right, are people you know, are people you can call friends, are people you can say, oh, these are my G's, these are my bodies. Those ones that you can say are my G's and my bodies, be intentional about them. Those are the ones that you need in your life. Those are the ones you need in your corner. And know this, know this and notice, that friendships are not supposed, or will not always last forever. Enjoy them while they're there. Build, gain value, give value, but don't expect eternity. Only Jesus is there for eternity. Or maybe your spouse. Okay, well, not your spouse, your spouse dies at some point. But you get the point. So yeah, I'll speak to you again soon. You know I will. So, this is Voice of an Angel, signing off. Tschüss!