20th Birthday and Christmas Anxieties

The host, Tori, is recording an episode about birthdays and the holidays. She reflects on turning 20 and how it feels strange to no longer be a teenager. She talks about her 10th birthday and compares it to her recent 20th birthday celebration, which was a beautiful party with friends. Tori also discusses the changes in her life, including starting therapy and learning to ask for what she wants. She expresses nervousness about going home for Christmas and the fear of reverting to old habits. Tori wants to maintain a healthier relationship with her family and create more space and maturity. However, she feels guilty about needing space and acknowledges that her parents are not perfect. Tori reflects on the complexity of seeing her parents as flawed adults and the challenge of balancing different aspects of her identity around her family and boyfriend. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the third iteration of the series Tori Victoria. This is your host, Tori, or Victoria, depending on how you know me. So, excuse my voice. I am sick. I got sick this weekend. So, I'm sounding a little bit hoarse and a little bit gross. So, apologies for that, but there's no time like the present to record this episode. I am sitting in my closet because this is where the recording is going to sound the best. And I'm going to take you on a little journey here. This episode is focused on birthdays and the holidays as my 20th birthday has just passed this weekend and Christmas and the new year are coming up quickly. So, I just turned 20 this weekend, which was crazy. And this means I am no longer a 19-year-old. I'm not a teenager. I am now an adult. 20 has no teen in it. I am an adult now, which feels really weird. I was reflecting this weekend about my 10th birthday, which has now been a decade ago, and it's crazy that I've been alive for two decades, but I remember celebrating my 10th birthday in my bedroom, in my little childhood room. I made a shrine to my 10th year. Wait, no, maybe this was my 11th birthday. Anyways, it's just a funny memory because I hadn't pulled all of the objects from that year that I got or that I loved. I think I remember I got a snapback hat that said swag or had a mustache on it because it was that year. So, just crazy that that was 10 years ago. But this year, I had a very, very beautiful party. For the last couple of weeks, I have been planning this party out, getting decorations, thinking about the food, just being all over the hosting and having all my friends together in the same room, which never happens because I think that at this age, we have our friends in different places. My friends in my classes are different from the ones that I know from Calgary, from home. And so having them all in the same room is kind of surreal. And it was amazing because they're all such sweet, great people. And it was a really beautiful party. There was amazing conversation. And we actually played this game called We Are Not Really Strangers. It's something that I saw on Instagram. I got it from a friend. And we played it kind of speed dating style. So, everyone was basically strangers. And we answered all these questions. It was like a conversation game. And we went through all these questions and got to know each other better. And by the end, we were having this beautiful group conversation kind of about, I don't know, taking these deep questions and talking about things together and just being really honest. And that was really beautiful and really filled up my cup. So, after that, I was looking back at the pictures. And I was just kind of amazed that this is me at 20. Because a year ago, for my 19th birthday, I had a totally different experience. Me and my boyfriend, Jamie, were doing long distance. And I didn't really have anyone to invite to a birthday party. I didn't really love where I was living. I was having a really hard time in school, just questioning whether or not I should be dropping out because I didn't like my degree. Anyways, I'm actually back doing the same degree, but YOLO, what can you do? But this year was just completely different. I was so upset last year and just felt really lost. So, for this to be where I'm at is pretty amazing. And I can't really talk about this without talking about starting therapy. Because this semester, I finally started therapy. And it basically changed my life really, really quickly in the first couple of sessions with my amazing therapist. We kind of just drilled into me that I need to start being the girl that I want to be. And embracing all of those qualities and just living it up. She was pretty much like, fake it until you make it. But she said that in a much better way. But it's true, and I've done this at different points in my life before. But I really just started doing it and being that person. Which looks like a couple different things, but mostly it's been just asking for what I want. And that's such a simple thing. But I think that a lot of people at this age are really, I don't know, complacent. And I've been really complacent. But being able to just think, this is what I want, and so I'm going to ask for it. Has been really freeing and brought me a lot more opportunity and things that I want and bring quality to my life. I was drowning in school, and I work a part-time job. And so I just asked, I'm dying, can I please have these days off? And they were like, yeah. And maybe a year ago I would have been too afraid to do that. So it feels really amazing to just ask for what you want. And the worst thing that can happen is somebody says no. So I really encourage more people to take this angle and just ask for what you want if you can. So I've been doing that. I've been doing that. I've been asking for people to come over and asking for my boyfriend to help me with certain things. And it's been life-changing. So with Christmas coming up, I'm hoping that I can keep that momentum going. Because I'm feeling really odd about going home. And I think a lot of people do feel this way. I keep bringing that up. I keep thinking, oh, is what I'm feeling that everyone else is feeling? I'm very obsessed with that right now because I think that I've realized this semester that there's all these struggles that we're going through at this age as a collective. You know, I'm thinking of my friends or even just strangers I've talked to briefly. But you really feel like you're alone. And so it's helped me a lot to know that, you know what, I'm not the only person who's going through this and feeling these things. And as I've discussed in my first e-magazine of Tori Victoria, I think if we could talk about it and have more of a collective mindset, I think it would be really a lot easier. We'd all be able to go through it together and support each other better. Anyways, so Christmas. It feels really weird to be going home to Calgary from Victoria where I'm living now. And this is kind of where I have my, like, adult life. It's where I have my apartment and my boyfriend and I go to school and my job. And it feels like this is where I left Calgary. My childhood very much where I grew up to somewhere new to experience something different. And going back, I fear kind of reverting or going back into those old habits or that old personality. So I'm pretty nervous about going home. And I think that I know that I need space for my family when I'm there. I need to, like, not immediately start acting the way that I did when I was, like, 16. And so to do that, I think that I need to have a bit more space and be a little bit more, I don't know, I don't want to say, like, well, I guess so, adult. I just need to act a little bit more, a little bit more separation. Because then I think I can also have a happier and healthier relationship with my parents and my siblings. Which is really ideal. That's what I want is to just get along with everyone. And sometimes I think as a middle child, I've been a bit of an instigator in the past. And I don't want to be that person and I don't want to make others feel, especially my family, feel stressed out. So I'm just going to acknowledge that and do something about it this year. So I'm going to try to invite a bit more space and almost a little bit more, like, professionalism. And maybe not let everything get to me. Maybe maturity is going to help. Because I feel like I've changed and become a lot more mature in the last year. So things should be better. And the only problem is that I feel really guilty about that. I feel like my parents are expecting me to come home and it's going to be, you know, how it once was when we were kids. Or I feel guilty about needing space from them. Because really, I do just want to, like, love them and be loved by them. But I know that at this point, I think that I do need space as I'm growing up and realizing things. Like, oh, my parents aren't perfect people. And maybe feeling a little bit of anger or sadness about certain things that happened in your childhood. Or how your parents raised you and how that's affecting you now. Because I honestly wish maybe some things were different or they had modeled things a little bit different. Not like my parents aren't amazing. They're fantastic. And they raised me and my siblings so well. And I look back on my childhood very fondly and very lucky. But it's weird being this age and, you know, having that perspective that you've never had before. That your parents aren't just angels. And everyone talks about this. And I feel like this is a really, like, well-known thing. That once you're an adult, you see your parents as adults. And they're not perfect. But I've really been living that right now. I think there's a difference between knowing things or hearing things and being like, oh, yeah, that's objectively true. But now I can tell that it's ‑‑ I feel it. Like, I actually know it inside of myself. Like, through experience now you just understand things so much better when you experience them. So it's really complicated because I miss my family and I want to spend time with them. But I want to have space. So feeling nervous about Christmas and being able to balance those things. And, you know, who I am around my boyfriend is different from who I am around my family. At some point, I remember last year at Christmas, my boyfriend Jamie came to Calgary and spent Christmas with us, which is fantastic. And just really a great experience. Our families are ‑‑ everyone gets along really well, which is amazing. But I do remember at some point I'd, like, do something or say something with my sisters. And Jamie would be like, oh, I've, like, never seen that from you before. That's just, like, something that was unexpected. I was like, yeah, I guess this is who I was before. And it's that reverting thing definitely does happen. And it's interesting to have people from both sides of my life really see that. And it's just such a surreal experience. So I think I need to try to, like, transition my family members into my adulthood and start treating my sisters like adults. So with that, I, like, decided that I'm going to, like, you know, get them nice presents on the side and treat them the way that I would like to be treated as an adult. I don't know why that, like, gift giving thing felt really important to me. But I don't want to just ‑‑ I don't know. I just want to make them feel special and, like, seen as adults because I want to feel special and seen by my, like, siblings. So hopefully this year everything goes really well. And maybe this is the year that things feel better comparing how last year where I was at. Just not great. And now objectively pretty freaking fantastic. And I think I need to be a bit more grateful about that. I think practicing gratitude is what makes life amazing because I feel like I've got all this great stuff going on. I love where I'm living. I love my boyfriend. Things are great. And I just need to continue to be thankful about that and really just live that gratitude because I think that's what defines life. I'm figuring it out. But I think gratitude defines life. So hopefully I'll have a great Christmas. And then the New Year's comes. And I don't know about anybody else, but New Year's Eve makes me so sad and feel so guilty or bad about myself because I'm just seeing everyone post on their Instagram, like, oh, don't get me started on social media. That's for another day. But everyone's posting on their Instagram, like, oh, my year was so great. I did all this stuff. And then I'm, like, sitting in my bedroom and I'm like, oh, what did I even do this year? I feel like crap. I definitely felt that last year because I literally did nothing and I just was sad. But this year I've, like, accomplished a lot. And so I want to be able to celebrate. So normally New Year's Eve makes me feel really sad. But I want it to be different this year. And the goal is not happiness. It's contentment because that's something that I've also learned in therapy is that aiming for happiness is a really high unrealistic goal when really we should be aiming to be content. Like, how do we feel during our every day? What brings us joy in those moments? And so that's the goal in life. It's not happiness. It's contentment, which is not what I used to think it was. When I was a kid and somebody asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I never knew I didn't have, like, a dream job. So I would just say, oh, I just want to be happy. And I thought it was really, like, sophisticated and wise for saying that. But I remember, like, adults would look at me and be like, oh, boy, like, I feel like they were looking at me and they're like, girl, you don't even know what's in front of you. But, yeah, I want to be happy. But it doesn't have to be every single day. I want to be content every single day and feel safe and loved. So I think that's about everything that I have to say today. So thank you so much for listening. And I'm really proud that I have just sat and done this, recorded this episode, even though I've been nervous to do it. And I have no clue if this sounds good. My voice is all messed up. But I think it's an achievement. And so I'm proud of myself. So that's great. Thank you for listening. This is Tori Victoria. And this is our last edition. So I guess this is goodbye. And thank you for engaging with my work. It's been a really good journey. And I hope you have a great Christmas and a great New Year's Eve. And you find some contentment in your life. Okay. Bye.