she-hated-god-until-this-happened

Joe Radio Live is a positive and motivational community. The speaker shares their experience growing up in an abusive household with alcoholic parents. They were subjected to physical and emotional abuse from their stepmother, who targeted them specifically. The abuse continued throughout their school years, affecting their academic performance. They finally decided to leave the abusive environment when they had a daughter and moved in with a coworker. However, they soon realized that their new living situation was also controlling and abusive. Despite their previous disbelief in God, they said a prayer for help before leaving their abusive home. You're listening to Joe Radio Live, positive and motivational content just for you. Do enjoy and share. Joe Radio Live is a community where you'll find lots of helpful info to positively impact our listeners. You can help by sharing Joe Radio Live daily with at least one person. You know to that point I always said there's no God. I literally hated God. I always told myself he's not real. So I remember that I was afraid to leave so I did this prayer in the corner of the room before I left and I said, God, I don't know who you are. I don't know if you exist. But if you do, I need you to help me. I am going to leave this house and I don't ever want to come back to this abuse, so I need you to help me. All I remember is I knew that my parents were Catholic and I remember just seeing a cross in my house. They would have a big cross with Jesus and I knew that he was the Son of God, but I didn't know what Jesus had done for me. Based on that, I didn't know I could have a relationship with him. I didn't know that he loved me or what was the price of the cross, what he did in that moment for me, especially since I grew up in an abusive household. Both of my parents were alcoholic. My mom was a diabetic, so due to that, when I was born, I only had a 3% chance of living. I was born with a hernia and one kidney. Unfortunately, my mother passed away when I was four years old due to her lifestyle. When my mother passed away, there was a downstairs neighbor that my dad would leave me when she was hospitalized at times, so she moved with us when my mom passed away. I didn't know what was happening at the moment, but I do remember that my dad sat me down and was like, you know, she's going to be living with us. And she had a son with her from a previous relationship, so he moved with us as well. And he asked me that day, she's moving in with us, did you want to call her mom or do you want to call her by her name? And I remember that I said I want to call her mom. You know, when she moved in with us, things changed in my life. I was four years old when my mom died, so immediately she started asking me to help her clean the house. I thought that I was helping her, but I didn't know that it was abuse. I say abuse because when I wouldn't clean the house correctly or I wouldn't wake up on time, she would start hitting me. She would start beating me. This led to a long abuse, but I especially remember when I started school, it was very hard for me because I was five years old, so I had to be woken up at 3, 4 in the morning when my dad would leave to work because he had two jobs. So I had to be ready for school around 7. And she told me I could not go to school unless the house was clean. So I started that life at five years old, and I remember that if I didn't finish cleaning, I would get a beating, and I would have to stay home cleaning all day. So I remember that I told myself, you have to clean the house so you can go to school because school was kind of like my freedom. When I did get a chance to go to school, I wasn't able to do my homework. You know, she would tell me, you cannot bring homework into the house. And if I did, she would throw my homework away. So I wasn't able to really study at home or really focus in school because of the beatings and everything. And she never treated her son that way. It was always me. So I never knew why I was the target of that abuse. That abuse kept happening in my life. And you know, as I got older, the beatings changed because I was able to protect myself. So the beatings would come from, she started putting my hands in the stove, which now, that's why my hands are very hard. I remember that she would hit me with wires. She would throw my face in the wall, you know. And I didn't understand, but I knew that I wasn't brave enough to speak because I was scared. So I was always threatened by her. And my dad never noticed because my dad had two jobs. He would work morning, and she would make sure that I was in bed by the time my dad got home. So my dad couldn't see the bruises, or I couldn't talk to him, or he wouldn't see because sometimes my face was really swollen from the crying that I had. So that kept happening. After school, the counselors didn't even notice that I was beaten because she would make me wear long sleeves and cover myself up. And she would threaten me, if you say anything, you're going to come home and get a beating again. So I didn't want that, so I wouldn't speak. My dad would be home in the weekends, but I remember that she would warn me on Friday and say, you cannot speak. If you do, on Monday, you're going to get a beating. So that was my life until about the age of 15, I felt like I would have some sort of freedom. And that's what I did. And I say 15 because this is when I was told that I can get a job. So I tried to get a job at a retail store, and I did start working there, but her controlling ways just kept following me around. So if I had to bring my schedule at home from work, and she would call my job to make sure I was at work and what time I would get out. So I never really had freedom. My school grades were awful. I was never able to get good grades. They were always, like, below average. The teachers never said anything. I was surprised that no one ever reached out and really said anything. So I really had no way of escape, and I didn't know why my life was like that. I always questioned, like, why am I living like this? This is not life. And obviously, I would see the difference with her son. So out of that marriage, my dad also had two separate kids with her, so none of them got treated that way. It was always me. So I kept going, and I kept working, trying to do my best, trying to get her approval. The abuse still happened. I remember that I graduated high school, and I thought that finally I was going to be able to be free. The abuse was less when I was getting older, but it was still... My mind was already conditioned to her being the way she was with me. And I remember that in school, people would see, because I was always the girl that couldn't dress in style or, you know, was always quiet because I wouldn't speak. So people knew that I was going through something, but they wouldn't say anything. When I graduated, I remember that I tried to date with my first boyfriend, so he knew that I was going through the abuse, but he wouldn't say anything. So he would... The way we would date is that, you know, if I would go to work, he would meet me halfway and we would just see each other really quick. We had an on-and-off relationship for four years, and out of those four years, I had my daughter. I had a daughter, and due to me having my daughter, I think God used her and led away from my escape, because when my daughter was two years old, I did have a cousin that would help me watch her while I worked. And this cousin started noticing that my stepmother would try and take control of my daughter at the age of two. She would tell her, oh, I'm going to watch her child. You just clean the house. So the cousin was like, hey, you know, I noticed that your stepmother doesn't really want me to watch your daughter, and you're paying me to watch your daughter, and I don't think that's right. And then she would tell me, you know, she feeds your daughter, forces to feed your daughter, and I don't like that. There's something going on, but don't say it's me. So then I started noticing the pattern, and it was coming again, the abuse, and I was like, this cannot be happening in my head. At that time, my stepbrother, her son was like, you need to pay more rent. You need to start paying more rent, because you have a daughter. So you're using twice the water, twice the food, et cetera. And I was like, I can't, because if I get two jobs, I won't have time with my daughter. It's not fair. So that's when I thought I had to make a decision. And since I was working at a retail store, I had a coworker that was going through a divorce, and, you know, I would tell her some of my things, and she offered me to move in with her, because she needed someone to help her. So I took that opportunity, and I said, okay, this is my only way. I'm going to risk it, because I didn't want my daughter to go through that, and of course, I couldn't speak. You know, I couldn't say anything for myself. I didn't have the courage, but I did have the courage for my daughter. So I remember that I had already planned to move out with my coworker. I started packing my stuff little by little. I didn't tell anyone. And literally, I remember that the day when I was going to move, because my coworker was going to come help me move the stuff, it was a weekend, and I had never talked to God, because I blamed God for my mom's death. You know, to that point, I always said, there's no God. I literally hated God. I always told myself, He's not real. So I remember that I was afraid to leave, so I did this prayer in the corner of the room before I left, and I said, God, I don't know who you are. I don't know if you exist, but if you do, I need you to help me. I am going to leave this house, and I don't ever want to come back to this abuse, so I need you to help me. And that's the only prayer I did. And I remember that I got my stuff, my coworker took it and left. I remember that my dad asked me why I was leaving, but my stepmother told him that I was leaving because I wanted to be with the father of my daughter, which it wasn't the case. So my dad just let it be. He thought that I had left in rebellion, which I did not. So I move in with this coworker. Everything seems fine from the beginning. You know, she's helping me out. We work in the same place. Everything's good. And later, I started noticing little patterns. She's becoming a little bit controlling, kind of the same thing as my stepmother. And during that time, she was going through a divorce, so I learned that she was attracted to me, you know, in a different way. So at that moment, of course, I didn't know anything, so that's when I started experimenting in that side, you know. So I started a relationship with her at that moment, and I think it lasted for a while until I started seeing someone else, a male this time, and I really built a relationship with him, and she knew it. I didn't think she'd mind, you know, but it did bother her. So when I started that relationship with that guy, she decided to bring her brother into the house to live with us, and pretty much her brother was like a bodyguard to make sure when I left, when I come back, if I was there when I said I would be there. So I started being afraid, I felt like, again, this controlling pattern. And one thing that she always told me, she's like, don't go in my room. We would sleep in separate rooms, and she would tell me that. But one day, I was cleaning the room, the house, and she left her room unlocked, and when I walked in, I saw a black magic book. I've never heard of black magic, I didn't know what it was, and I remember that I opened the book, and I was like, what is this? I just kept reading, and I saw that she had a prayer in there. And I was like, okay, this is weird. So when she came home that day, I told her, I said, why is this book here? And then she said, oh, my grandmother taught me that, you know? She didn't confess to me at that moment, but it was through a friend of ours that told me that she was doing black magic on me. So then, okay, I had to make a choice. At that moment, I had a friend that I would talk to, so I would tell her what I was going through, and she's like, hey, move with me. Like, my parents are renting a room, move with me. So I said, okay, but I said, you need to help me, because I need to sneak out of here. They won't let me leave. So I remember that I told her, we're going to wait for the guy to go to sleep, and then when he goes to sleep, you're going to throw the stuff out, and you're going to help me. So it happened that way. She came, I threw my stuff out of the balcony, I grabbed my daughter, and I left. And then, wherever I left, I left it there, and I never looked back. So I move in, this new roommate, I know her since high school, so I thought everything was going to be good. I couldn't do laundry in the house, so I had to go out to a laundromat and do laundry. So in one of the times that I went to do laundry, this, I didn't know she was a medium, I didn't know about that, but this medium approached me, and she was like, oh, I'm doing free readings, can I read your hand? And I was like, sure, go ahead, read my hand. And I remember that encounter because I cried, because no one had ever told me that they knew about my suffering. So she described my life, about the suffering I lived when I was young. So that really moved me, and I thought, oh man, like, someone, finally someone knows, you know? And she said, I can help you, like, I can help you, but you have to pay me. So if you want to come tonight to my studio, I'll give you the address, and you can come. And I was like, yes, like, I'll go. So she told me to bring money, she told me the amount I had to bring, and I was so excited, you know, because I wanted to be free, I wanted to know what my life was, the way it was, I didn't understand. So I remember that I went that same night, I couldn't wait. I went that same night, and she said that she was going to do a reading for me with the cards. So I remember I walked in the studio, she started doing her readings, everything was normal, she kept confirming to me the abuse, and she also told me that she can have me speak to my mother. My mother was dead, but I knew that I didn't want to do that, you know, I didn't want to bother my mom because she was dead. So she offered me that, I said no, leave my mother alone. So there was a moment when she was reading the cards, she was pulling the cards, everything was fine. I remember that she pulled one card, and when she pulled this card, she just went, and then I was like, in me, I thought, oh my gosh, she saw the card of death, you know, like this is it. And she just stayed shocked, and she was like, can I ask you a question? And I said, yeah. She's like, do you know who God is? And I was like, I've heard of him, you know, she's like, do you know who the God of the Bible is? I said, no, like, no, you know, I don't. And then she was like, well, when I was pulling the cards out, an angel appeared to me and told me that I couldn't continue reading the cards to you because, you know, God wants to speak to you. And I was like, how do you know God if you're a witch? You know, like, it didn't make sense to me. And I remember that when I was sitting, like, there was a purple curtain behind me, and she got up, and she's like, come here. So I turned around because I was kind of scared, and she opened the curtains. And when she opened the curtains, there was about six people sitting on the floor eating food from a plate. And she said, I know who the God of the Bible is. And I know what I'm doing. But I have to do it because in my country, this is what we do, and I need to feed them. So I was like, oh, wow. So then she closed the curtain, and she went back to sit, and I just, like, was in shock. And she's like, so God is asking me to ask you if He can talk to you. And in my head, I was like, why is He asking me? And she was like, God is asking you because He's a gentleman. So He has to ask you permission. And then I sat there, and I thought about it, and I was confused. And I was like, fine, what does He have to say? So the first thing she told me, okay, He wants you to know that He loves you. And when she said that, I started crying, because I was like, that's not true. If He loves me, why is my life like this? But I guess God knew what I was thinking. So she said, God said that He wants to help you. But He can't help you because you don't allow Him in your life. You don't let Him in. And it's true, because I hated Him, so I never thought about Him. And I didn't know how this relationship thing worked. I didn't know. She said, God says that you have two choices right now. Either you accept Him, and you look for Him, or I continue reading the cards. But I can't continue to help you if you don't make a choice. You have to make a choice, either God or this. So I didn't know, and of course, I still had that negative thought about Him in my mind. So I remember I said, no, I don't want God, like, continue. So from there, she was able to close whatever she was saying, and she said, okay, I can continue now, because obviously, I denied Him, you know. So she kept reading the cards, and you know, she kept just, after she finished reading the cards, she just like, okay, this is what I can do to help you. So she gave me some potions, some pebbles, some body washes to do, and she gave me like a schedule to wash myself, and light the incenses, and she said that this will cleanse my life, and it would help me. So I took it, I believed it, and she told me that when I run out, I can always call her to get more, to renew myself. So I took them with me, and I did do what she told me to do, you know. I didn't know any better. I thought that it was going to work. Also, before I left, she told me, oh, and the roommate you're living with, you have to be careful, because she is not good, so you need to move out of there. I didn't know what was going to happen, but a week later, a week or so, I think almost two, I couldn't find my credit card in my wallet. I was like, where's my credit card? And I checked my bank balance, no money, gone. I was like, okay. I remember that I called to make a fraud report. I came back to the house. I told my roommate what had happened. She never said anything. She acted like if nothing ever happened, she knew about it. Later, I had to call the police to get my money back, so I had to make a report. And once I did that, she admitted that she had stolen my money. So here we go again. I had to find somewhere else to go, because obviously, I could not live there anymore. So I contacted another high school friend, and she told me that I can move with her. So here I go. I grab my daughter, and I move again. I had no money, so I had to take money out of my 41K at that moment. My car was breaking down, so I had to use that money to get a new car. I moved with my new roommate, and to find out, she's also doing witchcraft. So it's like this thing keeps following me, and thank God that when I was there living with her, a friend from a high school, she became Christian during high school, so everyone knew that she was Christian. And she called me, and she was like, hey, you know, I haven't spoken to you. I want to invite you to my church. We have a church event. I want you to come. And she had invited me before, but I always denied it. I was like, I don't want to know about God. He's not real. So I remember that she invited me, and I said I'll think about it, but part of me didn't feel right because I was doing the witchcraft, not just what I did, but with this new roommate, I was learning new things. So something in me, it was like, I cannot go to God if I have this stuff, so I remember that I thought about it, and I said, okay, I'm going to go to church, but before I go to church, I'm going to get rid of this stuff. So the only thing that came to my head was like, I'm going to go to the nearest church and throw this away because I don't want it. I want God. So I remember that I grabbed everything, and where I lived, there was like a Catholic church. So I remember that I walked in the church, and it was empty, and I just ran to the altar, and I threw everything into the altar, and I said, God, like, I want you. I don't know what to do, but I need you, and I just left it there, and I never looked back, and I called my friend, and I said, okay, I'll go to church with you. So I went to that church event, and I remember that I accepted Christ. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't know what it meant. I heard the preaching, I saw the event, and the pastor did the call, and I said, okay, but I never came back. I didn't come back. I kept living my lifestyle. I didn't do the witchcraft anymore, but I just started living a very promiscuous lifestyle. I didn't know what love was, so I would confuse being intimate with someone as love. I just started doing this stuff, and I remember that I lost my job. So things just started going downhill from there. Instead of doing better, I had no money. I was, like, not using my money wisely. My car was messing up again. I was like, okay, thank God that that same friend called me a year later, and she was like, hey, we're having a church event. Do you want to come? And I was like, oh, man, I need to go, like, I need help, so I said, yeah, I'll go, and I remember that I went to this church event again, and I accepted Christ again, but then this time when I accepted Christ, I remember that when I accepted Christ, I would always have back pain. I had back pain for at least four years, and I would go to doctors because since I only had one kidney, I thought my kidneys were failing, but the doctors were like, no, you're fine. You're fine. Everything's fine. So I never understood why the back pain was so heavy, and I remember that day when I accepted Christ that time, something supernatural lifted off me. I felt it lift off me. I didn't know what it was, what had happened. I just knew that something was lifting off me, and due to that experience, I decided to come back. So I started coming back week after week after week, and I remember that one of those weekends when I came, we had a guest preacher, and he came to me. He's like, oh, you know that back pain you had? God healed you from it, and it had not hit me until he gave me that word, and I started walking again, and I started reflecting, oh, my God, it's true. I don't have that back pain, so that's what was lifted that day. So from that experience, I kept coming. After eight months of being in the church, I got baptized. I didn't know the process that I had to go through after my baptism. I remember that after I got baptized, an hour later, we started worshiping the Lord in this retreat place, and I had always worshiped God before getting baptized, so nothing weird had happened, but after my baptism, something started manifesting inside of me. As I was worshiping the Lord, I kept coughing, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I kept grabbing my own throat to the point where I fell because I felt like I couldn't breathe, until one of the guest preachers we had that day, I guess God showed him what was happening, and he was like, oh, my God, it's like she did witchcraft. That's what's happening, so obviously, those spirits did not want me to worship the Lord. So I remember that they took me to the back, and they were like, did you do witchcraft? And of course, I had to confess that I did, so they helped me deliver myself there, but that wasn't just my first deliverance, that I had to deliver myself from all the fornication I did, all the strongholds that I had. I also struggled a lot with masturbation and pornography, so it was a process that I had to go through, and it was like a constant every weekend, deliverance, deliverance, deliverance, and I was like, oh, my God, and also through that process, it was hard for me because I would keep falling into fornication. As God was working in me, I couldn't let go because I felt that was love. Again, I confused it, so of course, the Lord had to come back in again and put me back in the right path, so it was a continuous healing process for me. I also, the Lord revealed to me that I had a lot of forgiveness to do due to the past that I had lived. I had to forgive my stepmother, and that was one of the hardest things that I had to do because I didn't understand. I told God, why did she hurt me? Why do I have to ask her for forgiveness? The Lord told me, because you've held so much anger, it's become a stronghold, and you need to ask her for forgiveness for all the anger that you held for her, and I was like, I was scared to her. I had not talked to her ever since I left the house, and I just said, okay, if you want me to do it, I need you to do it because I can't. I can't approach this woman, so I just left it like that. I remember that I hadn't really talked to my dad much. If I would call him before his birthday or Christmas or something, and I remember that one of those days we were going to go out, and I went to the house where he lived with my stepmother, and he told me to go inside, and I just did. I just went inside. I remember that I saw my stepmother, I saw my stepsisters, and my dad was like, oh, I have to get something in the room really quick. My stepmother and I were left alone in the kitchen, and she was like, oh, hey, I heard you're a Christian now, and I was like, yeah, I am, so it's weird how it came about to be, and she was like, you know, I wanted to ask you for forgiveness for everything I did to you. I know that I was wrong, and I said no. God told me that I had to ask you for forgiveness because I hated you for so long. I had so much anger towards you, and I'm sorry for that, and I remember that we both cried and we hugged each other, and I received that forgiveness healing that I needed, too. I no longer saw her as an evil person, but as, you know, a victim. You know, she also needs freedom, so the Lord kept working with me, and the Lord also told me that I had to go back to school. This was a desire that I always had as a child. I always wanted to go to college. I wanted to pursue a career, but obviously I couldn't because my grades were just awful, and due to the fact that I couldn't concentrate in school and I couldn't do my homework, my grammar was just really bad. I didn't even know my punctuations, where the comma went, where the nothing went, and I was like, God, how am I going to get into college? Like, this is ridiculous, so I remember that I just applied, and I didn't get in. I didn't get in because I failed the grammar part. So I waited another year, and I went again, and, you know, I had to ask my daughter for help because I had not studied, and I knew I was going to fail the grammar part. So thankfully, it was a humbling experience, but I was able to get through with the help of my daughter, so I got accepted into college, and, you know, God was very graceful through that period for me. Like, He put grace in my teachers, they were very understanding, and now I have my bachelor's degree, so I give God all the glory because He's restored that desire in me, you know? And the Lord also told me that He was going to bring my father back, so I was like, what? You know, he had been married to this woman for 35 years. I didn't know what God was going to do or why He was going to bring my dad back because I told God, my child years are done, you know? Like, I can never get those back, but the Lord told me He needs freedom too, so I'm going to free him, and he's going to come to you. So I remember that one time my dad gave me a call, and he was like, hey, do you want to go out to eat? I was like, sure, you know, let's go out to eat. So we went to eat, and when we sat down, we started talking, and he's like, I have a question for you, but I just want you to answer me with a yes or a no, and I was like, okay, sure. So he was like, did this person abuse you? And of course, he said my stepmother's name, so I said yes, she did, and I remember that I couldn't believe I had said yes, you know? And then we just laughed it out loud, we ate, it was kind of weird, but we ate, and I went home, and then two days later, he calls me, and he reveals to me that he had a dream that he was asking God, you know, why doesn't Gina love me, like, why doesn't my own daughter love me? And in the dream, he said that Jesus appeared and told him, the Gina that you see is not the Gina who is, and so he showed him two Ginas, so the first Gina is the one that was abused, so God showed him that I was there, and my stepmother was abusing me, and then the second Gina is the one that is, the one that does love you. So once he got that dream, that's when he called me to ask me, you know, when we went out to eat, so from there, he was already having problems with her, and I guess that God was already working in him for that, for that freedom, so after that conversation, he asked me if he can move in with me, and of course, I was excited, so I said yes, and I knew that it was a promise of God to free him and bring him back. So now I've been living with my dad for three years, going, you know, I can never get that back, but just the moments that I have now with him, and you know, he's learning about Jesus, he's seeing me, we've talked about everything I did, there's no secrets, and I know that the Lord is working, and it's giving me that back, that relationship with my father, you know, so I'm thankful that God gave him back to me. And the last thing that the Lord decided to work in was in me. You know, I look at it back now, and I'm like, wow, the Lord had me first forgive all those people before working in me, so before this healing, internal healing happened, I was going through a lot of battles in my church, you know, my church, I've been there for nine years now, but there was a period in my time where I didn't want to submit. I didn't want to submit to my leaders, especially not to my pastor, and the reason for my pastor me not submitting, it's crazy, because you know, a pastor is an authoritative figure, so that authoritative figure was abused in my mind due to a parent being an authoritative figure too, so my stepmother abused that figure, you know, so in my mindset, I couldn't really get close to my pastor, because I felt she was going to abuse me, you know, she's going to abuse that authority, just like my stepmother did, and I always desired for my pastor to be my mom, you know, the female pastor to be my mom, but I couldn't, it was a wrestle that I had, so I decided to leave, I was like, I'm going to another church, you know, because I can't do it here anymore, you know, and I remember that I went, started going to another church, and the Lord told me that I had to go back, you know, I did attend that church for like, maybe six, seven months, and there was a special guest, and this guest spoke to me like no prophet had ever spoken to me in my life, he spoke to me from birth, and he revealed to me why I've been abused all these years, so it's a generational curse, my mom was abused, her mom was abused, my grandmother was abused, my dad was abused, so it came to me, and it had stopped here, and if you see back, it wanted to continue with my daughter, but the Lord did not permit, so I learned that the abuse was a generational curse, and the Lord spoke to me that day and told me that from that day on, I was not going to be the same, that I was going to love myself, that I was going to forgive myself, and that I would see myself the way Jesus sees me, which I had no idea what that was, and I remember that I got a deliverance that day, but I promise you, the next day when I woke up, and I remember the day, because I put my feet in the ground, and it's like I was standing in a new realm, like I was not me, the old Gina, I was the new me, I saw myself in the mirror, and I was like, wow, I am beautiful, like I am loved, you know, I am able, I saw myself with this new identity, so the Lord sent me back to my church, and I was able to speak to my pastor and tell her why I was the way I was. Now before you get to that point, you actually share this part with me, and I think it's a beautiful part about what the pastor from the other church told you, could you share that with us, because you left your church, right, and you went to this new church, and then you received a message that sent you back to your church, could you tell us what happened there? Yes, so like I said, the Lord revealed to him that, you know, why I was abused for so long, also revealed to him that, you know, the Lord had placed this pastor as an authority in my life, and that the Lord had planted me in that church, the church where I left, and that in order for me to keep walking and receive the blessings that the Lord has for me, I had to keep growing where he planted me, you know, he's like, so you're going to go back, and you're going to submit to that authority, and when you submit to the authority of God, you will see that the doors will open for you, and I remember that he anointed me, he blessed me, and he said, you have to go back, there's no other way, and I remember that I had conviction, for the first time I was like, okay, I'm wrong, I am wrong, that conviction, I wrestled a couple in my thoughts, but I was like, no, I know that I have to submit, I have to let go of this fear, because the Lord was also looking, was mostly looking out for me, there's this fear I had, that I had never told my pastor spoken, that it's the authority figure that caused me to run away, so by me going back, I pretty much faced that fear that I had of thinking that anyone with authority was going to abuse them, now that I have a wonderful relationship with my pastor, and you know, she's the mother figure that I didn't have, and I thank God, because I can see how the enemy did not want me to see her as a mother, because I would, now I feel complete, I have my dad, I have my pastor, which is my spiritual mom, but she's also, I call her my mom, and I feel complete, and I thank the Lord, because if that wouldn't have happened, we wouldn't have gone anywhere, and thanks to that, I'm able to love myself, too, I forgave myself for everything that I did to myself during those years, all the abuse that I let in me, all those negative thoughts that I had of me, I didn't know that I had an identity in Jesus, so once the Lord freed me from that mentality, because it was a tax of the enemy in my mind for all these years, you know, I only received rejection, abuse, so the Lord freed me from that, and since that day, I love myself, and now that I love myself, I can love others, because when I didn't love myself, I was so bitter, even though I was in the gospel, and walking with God, I was still bitter, I couldn't understand why some people were happy, looked so happy, but I wasn't, of course, God was still working in me, there was happy moments in my life, but there was something in me that was not happy, and that's because I didn't love myself, and I couldn't love others, and now that I'm able to love myself, my vision has changed, my heart has changed, it has opened to love people how Jesus loves people, so I thank the Lord for that, and you know, the Lord redeemed me, He redeemed me from the past, you know, He, everything that the enemy tried to take away, the Lord has brought it back, has restored it, and is giving me, and is going to give me more, so you know, I praise Jesus for that. Gina, who is Jesus to you? Jesus is my best friend, He is my Redeemer, He's my Savior, He came to redeem everything and save me from myself. Gina, for anybody who is watching right now, who is feeling discouraged, who is connecting with your story of abuse, of even rejection towards God, maybe they're in that place right now where they don't want anything to do with God, what can you say to those people watching, who are connecting with your testimony right now? I know that it's hard to look at Jesus as a Savior at this moment, I know that you might be angry like I once was, or feel like you're unloved, unwanted, or you're questioning your life, like, why is your life like this? But the only answer is Jesus, the only way is Jesus, that's why He died for us, so that we can have life, so that we can have joy, so we can have peace, so we can have redemption through Him. And it's going to take, it might take a while, it might take, but if you call on Jesus, even if it's a simple prayer, He will meet you where you are, He will come to you. Because Jesus came to me, you know, I didn't go to Him, I didn't want to go to Him, but just that one simple prayer, and He found me. So I encourage you guys not to lose hope, and to look to Jesus, He is your friend, He's your Father, He's your Redeemer, and He is love, He loves you. Gina, any last words to the people watching your testimony right now? Yes. So, as I prayed last night, I felt, you know, the Lord telling me to tell you guys to not throw in the towel. It is time to be free and to be healed. It's your season. Stop allowing the pain to be extended when God has given you the opportunity through Jesus Christ. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Joe Radio. Join us in our next program. Remember, don't just exist, but be a blessing.