tea with D ep 5

The speaker is talking about feeling overwhelmed and shut down, struggling with depression and anxiety. They express frustration about not knowing what their life should look like and feeling lost. They mention being single for three years and having to rediscover themselves in their mental health recovery. The speaker talks about feeling emotional during the holidays and hoping for clarity and motivation in the new year. They mention making a new friend through Facebook dating and missing the companionship and connection they used to have. They reflect on the challenges of maintaining a good relationship and ask if others ever feel like they're not being their true selves. The speaker wishes everyone a beautiful Christmas and emphasizes the importance of love, laughter, and chaos during the holiday season. They apologize if the episode feels down but express that it helps them to share their thoughts and feelings. They end by hoping that everyone has a warm and safe place to be. Hey guys, it's me. It's Friday night. It's the 25th of November. It's been about two weeks I guess since my last podcast, my last episode. Yeah, so like I've mentioned in my other episodes, when I was introducing myself, I kind of knew this was going to happen. When I started this in the beginning of the month, end of October, beginning of this month, I was on a bit of a high, just for whatever. And I got out those few times, get my eyes done, you know, my eye exam, my hair done, went to the store a couple times, and then it gets overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point that I shut down. And that's why I haven't put up an episode recently. Just kind of gathering content, ideas in my mind, just overthinking about things, just different things in life. You know, just where I'm at and where I see myself where I want to be. And it can be frustrating because sometimes it feels like you're walking along this path and it's almost like a tunnel vision, like it's never going to end. And there's days where I see that it's lit, it's bright, it feels hopeful. And there's other days where it's just blah, where it's just gloomy and no motivation mentally and physically. So that's kind of where I've been, just in my head and just not up to par. But this is what happens, you know, when you feel depressed or you go through depressive episodes, things shift and I'm getting really sick and tired of watching Netflix and Prime and YouTube, even though I'll do it anyways, but it gets to be mundane, getting bored. You know, I just, I don't know. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like. And I think that's part of my frustration and my anxiety plays on that. Because a part of me feels like I should know where I should be or what it should look like, smell like, taste like, you know, all your senses. And I don't even know. I don't even know. I think about the imagery in my mind of where I pictured myself in this point in my life, you know, 44 years old and my kids are grown, young adults, and I got a grandchild and I pictured it very different because, you see, when I was picturing it, I wasn't alone. And come January, it'll be three years that I've been single. And I had a little moment there thinking that it could have been rectified, but it turns out no. And I don't know if I'm having a hard time letting go or maybe I am, you know, I think it's letting go of the what if and the imagery in my mind of the way I thought, you know, things would look like and they're not looking like that. They're totally different. A whole new life in the last three years. You know, I mentioned on one of the episodes, you know, I'm rediscovering me and my recovery of my mental health and no one can prepare you for that. It doesn't matter if they've been through it too. It's very individual based situation and feelings and emotions because everyone goes through things differently. And part of me is scared because I don't know what to prepare for. And, you know, I watch movies and TV shows, you know, sometimes you hear a certain line and you're like, yeah, well, maybe that kind of pertains to my situation, you know, and I don't know. It's like I feel lost even though I know I'm here. It's a different feeling. Yeah. So, we're five minutes into this so far. Yeah. I'm gonna pause I think for a minute and grab a drink. Do you ever wonder if you chose a different path when you were younger? Maybe a different school, different high school, different friends, and ever think where that life would lead you or what you'd be doing? I think of that often. For a long time. Almost, I guess you say I fantasized what it would be like. You know, trying to put myself in that moment, you know. I've noticed the holidays the last few years have made me more emotional. I'm grateful, but I feel sad inside. I just, I don't know. I'm just hoping for the new year something really clicks and makes sense and that push that shove that I need to give myself to get outside more, to go for walks, to be more mobile so I'm not always feeling achy joints and whatnot. I don't like the cold. So wintertime is a hard time for me. It affects my moods. Because of that same amount of suddenly as we get into spring and summer, which I wasted this year, and I pretty much wasted last summer too because it was too hot and the heat affects me. And just, yeah, I've gotten so used to isolating myself because I know it feels safe where I'm at in my apartment. And going outside, I don't know, it's just, everything is so different. But I think I might have made a new friend. Facebook dating has an option to make friends, like so it's separate from dating, which is kind of cool. So we'll see how that goes. A female, straight, but also looking for girlfriends, someone to hang out with and learn from and share stories and cry and have a laugh. I really miss all that. And things have just been so different for everybody. Everybody's going through something, no matter how big the smile is on their face. Life is hard. And it's even harder when it's good. When you're in a good spot, you know, a good place with your partner, and things just seem like they're going smoothly. That's the tough part in a relationship is keeping that going. It's so easy to let the shoe fall. And that's what we did. We let the shoes fall. So I guess I asked you guys, you know, have you ever felt like that? Do you feel like that? Do you feel like you're being yourself, but you're not being your full self? Not even to yourself? Let alone to anybody else that we associate with on a day to day basis? I don't know. Well, I really do hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas and feels loved and has a good meal. And, you know, it's nice to get presents, but it's not about the presents. It's about laughing and music in the background and the kids screeching and playing and doing their thing and, you know, total Christmas chaos. I miss those days. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry if this is a downer episode. Try not to be. I just I've been wanting to do an episode. I've been wanting to do this because it helps me. Helps me to word vomit, I guess you could say. Get things off my chest. But yeah, I really hope everyone, you know, has somewhere warm to be and is safe. So yeah, so that's for this Friday night's episode. And it's not very long. I think I'm going to go to bed. We'll see what happens. Cheers.