Heartbreal to Heartbeat

Kelly Parsley is a guest on the podcast Sunset Stories, hosted by Tanya Manley. Kelly is a mom of two children and is described as a "dealer of hope." She shares her story of losing her daughter Lydia in 2017 and how hope has helped her heal. Tanya expresses gratitude for Kelly's presence on the podcast and their connection. Kelly describes Lydia as a strong-willed, passionate girl who loved animals, especially horses. She shares memories of Lydia's love for shopping and her unique personality. Kelly talks about the day of the accident and how she received a call from her husband about Lydia's condition. She expresses gratitude for a friend who was there for Lydia until help arrived. Tanya relates to the experience of losing a child and the importance of being present during their final moments. Kelly discusses the initial shock and grief that followed Lydia's accident, highlighting the support she received from family and friends. Both Tanya and Kelly emphasize the power of hope in th Hello everyone and welcome to episode 3 of Sunset Stories. I'm your host Tanya Manley and I really want to thank you for joining us today. Today I want to welcome Kelly Parsley. She is a mom of two beautiful children, Lydia and Ryan. Wife to her soulmate Rick and daughter to the best mom in the world, Rachel. She is also a dealer of hope. When she described herself as a hope dealer, I connected with Kelly on so many levels. She loves helping others heal and succeed. That is her passion and quite frankly, the same reason why I started this podcast. Kelly is meant to be here today in this place, right here, right now, sharing her story with us. After losing her beautiful daughter Lydia in 2017, she was lifted by this one word, hope. Hope is a small word with many twists and turns, but yet so grand. She loves meeting new people and sharing Lydia's story and oh, what a story it is. I remember, Kelly, when I first talked to you and you quoted, I pray that our story helps as we all try to grasp the path of grief. Together we can move mountains and rise again and always honor our children and loved ones. So, Kelly, first, I just want to thank you again for being here and for choosing me and Sunset Stories to help share this amazing and incredible and inspiring story. When we first spoke, I could not believe the power of this story. And I knew that it was God that was going to connect us or that did connect us. So I say it a hundred times. I just want to say thank you. And welcome. I say I say thank you back. I was just completely awestruck, I think, when you had reached out to me and asked if I would want to be a part of your podcast. And Sunset Stories, I just thought, oh, my goodness, you know, I definitely have to do this. And so thank you for the opportunity to be able to share Lydia's story and hopefully in the process heal others along this path. Yeah, that's that's exactly, you know, my goal and what we're trying to do. So let's just dive into it. Kelly, could you tell us just a little bit about your sweet Lydia? Like what you would what you want the listeners to learn about her today? Absolutely. I would love to. If I can get through it. Oh, my goodness. You know. Oh, I do. Lydia was just absolutely stunningly beautiful. She was a cowgirl. She loved pearls and lace and boots. And she loved to show animals at the fair. Her passion was horses. And then it moved on to cows and she was very strong willed. It was Lydia's way or no way in her mind. And, you know, she often referred to her as kind of caught in between a tornado and a hurricane. Like, which direction am I going to go in today? And, you know, she loved fiercely. She was always the life of the party. She was always socializing with friends. You know, I always joke when she started driving that, you know, she had gas in her veins, too, because she never wanted to be home. She was always out doing something with her friends, being social. She was strong. She was physically and mentally strong. She could brush up against you if you were passing in the hallway and almost knock you down and not mean to. She was just absolutely just the strongest person I knew and the strongest person that I know still, because she has great powers even in heaven. She sounds amazing. And and when we first spoke, she she also reminded me so much of my CJ. I always like to call him a rebel without a cause. I mean, he was the sweetest person in the world, but he did like things his way, too. So I like to think that, you know, our children connected us as well. So this just warms my heart even more. What are some of your favorite, favorite memories of her? There's a lot there. You know, she loved shop. She absolutely loved the shop. She would always want to go to what we have placed up here called Western Palace. And, you know, boots were her passion. She wanted all the boots in the world. And she would always ask Nana to help her out with those boots. And she actually has those on in the picture that I shared with you. Those were her pride and joy. And they never left the box only to wear in those pictures. And one other time, you know, they were something that was so precious to her. And I had the privilege to wear them in my wedding in memory of her. I love that. Yeah, she loved to laugh. She loved to have fun. There was never a dull moment. You know, I always say that she was a straight shooter. You never knew what was going to come out of her mouth. And you best be prepared. I love that. You just never knew. And her amazing teacher and our dear friend Joy Hoover could attest to the same thing. You know, she would tell Lydia in class, hey, we're just going to hold off. And we're going to talk about that when we get done here, because she would go completely off topic. It was almost like a squirrel. You know, she would be talking about something and she'd bring something else in. She was just passionate. She was fierce. She was strong. She was strong-willed. You know, we butted heads over the years. We were a lot alike. And sometimes we would butt heads, you know, and it was like, oh, my goodness, you know, who is this child? We created little mini versions of ourselves. Exactly. And it just molded her into the amazing person that she was. And the strength that she had in this life, now she pushes me. She gives me that strength to function every day. My full purpose is to honor. And so it is a blessing and a gift. So I'm so happy that, you know, God chose me to be her mom. I couldn't think of a better daughter. Yeah, I feel the same way. I feel that my cowboy and your cowgirl are up there guiding us through this journey. And then that's why I just I couldn't wait to get this story out to the listeners, because I know what it did with me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since we talked. Kelly, would you would you walk us through the events of February 24th, 2017? I can do that. I was at work. It's time I worked at a salon in Ohio and had color on my hair. Us girls were done working for the day and we were just having a hair day with each other. And I got a phone call from Rick, my husband. And every time that the call would come through, it would get dropped. So I remember sending him a text and I'm like, why do you keep calling me? Are you OK? And finally, the call did come through and it was him. And he said, Kelly, there's been an accident. And I said, OK, well, where are you? I'll be right there. And he said, it's Lydia. And I said, OK. I said, where? What's going on? And he said, it's really bad. It's really, really bad. And I said, well, you've got to get off the phone with me. You need to go be with her. Go hold her hand. Hug her. Tell her that she's going to be OK. Tell her you've talked to me. Tell her that I'm going to meet you guys at the hospital. Tell her everything is going to be just fine. You cannot leave her alone. You've got to be with her. And luckily, one of our dear friends, Shannon, unfortunately, but fortunately, pulled up on the accident scene shortly after it happened. None of the medics were there yet. And while she didn't want to see what she saw, she was there. And so I'm so thankful for her because she was the mama that Lydia needed at that moment because I couldn't be there. And I talked to her. I talked to Shannon. And she said, Kelly, it's bad. And I said, OK, but you've got to go be with her. You've got to get off the phone with me. Do not let her be by herself. And by that time, you know, the medics had arrived and they were, you know, working on her. And I will just forever be grateful for that moment. Right. That she wasn't alone. And, you know, that's something that really haunts me because, you know, as you know, the third time after my son was released from the hospital, he came home that night and passed away in his sleep. And I always wonder, you know, I know the last conversation he had was with me and we said I love you. And I know kind of the time frame that he passed. But the fact that he was alone really, really haunts me. I know God was there. But, you know, as a mother, you know, we're always supposed to be there no matter how old our children are. And I can't imagine, you know, how you felt at that time. Yeah, I just you know, we had a friend that called to ask, you know, where are they taking them? You know, where are they going to go? Their med site was called in, which immediately I started to panic even more. You know, it was that emergent that she, you know, get this treatment that needed to be life saving. You know, she was unconscious. And, you know, I just I screamed, I cried, I prayed. I'm trying to call, you know, family members and what am I supposed to do and how can I get there? And all these things and everybody came together all at once and helped me get there and helped me. Just I don't know how the best word ways to describe it. You're in shock. You know, I don't remember. But I just I could not have done it without my family and friends that joined us and the strength that they gave us. And that's what's so important. And that's what, you know, part of the podcast, too, is to educate others on, you know, what we're going through and what we need from them and what we don't need from them. And so, you know, it's different for everybody else. But the common denominator in all of the mothers that I speak with are the families is the initial shock. You know, and they talk about the different stages of grief and that shock for me, too. When I was far away, when I got the phone call, I was four and a half hours away. So by the time that I was back to College Station, my son was already gone. And I felt like I didn't get any closure because the next time that I saw him was at his funeral. And I go back to that word hope. So after Kelly was in the hospital, I mean, I'm sorry, after Lydia was in the hospital, did the doctors give you hope or was there hope or was it that you knew that it just that she might not make it out of this accident? They told me they when I got to the hospital, we had met in a private room. And again, that was kind of a red flag for me, like, oh, this isn't good. This is a private room. You know, this isn't the hallway outside the waiting room. This is private. And I remember her doctor coming in and he told me, he said, Kelly, your daughter is very sick. She's very, very sick. And at that moment in time, I said, she is strong. She will she will be OK. She will make it through this. She has the power to make it through this. You know, you've never met a stronger person than my daughter. She will be OK. We will do the steps that need to be taken, but she's going to be fine. And I could you know, I wish I don't know how many times people, you know, the physicians will come in. And that was just something that they always said, Kelly, she is very sick. And I refused to believe that. You know, I said she is strong. She's going to be just fine. Give her time. Give her rest. She's going to be fine. And I never accepted any less than that at that moment. And so a friend of the family has suggested that I keep a journal. And at the top of that journal, I wrote it is bad. But what are we focusing on today? And that kept me where I needed to be. The focus for today is this. The picture ahead is going to be long and in daunting. But what are we going to do today? What is the focus today? And for her, you know, we wanted those cranial pressures to stay low. Seven was the lowest that the monitor showed. That's where we wanted it to stay. And we wanted it to be no pressures. But seven was the magic number. And then it slowly started to creep up. But I remember when she was at a number seven, it was the middle of the night and I stood at the foot of her bed and I it was very quiet in her room. I did that on purpose. It seemed like she adjusted better if things were quiet. And so I, you know, in a quiet scream, I've got my arms in the air and I'm shouting. And I was like, I told you then you could do this. You're at a seven. You know what? Now, now's the time. Healing can begin here. This is going to happen. I am so proud of you, Lydia. You're doing such an amazing job, honey. You know, just keep doing what you're doing. And her nurses came in the room because we were in neuro ICU and they had her on a camera and they saw my silent celebration and they heard my words without hearing my voice. They knew what I was celebrating. And, you know, the team of physicians at Ohio State University was just amazing. Her nursing was just amazing. And I celebrated in that moment. And I just wanted to stay at the seven. Unfortunately, that did not happen. But that's where I was. So, you know, it could be in the path of grief, too. You know, we know this is bad. This isn't a fun path. None of us want to be here. None of us want to be here. But you know what? We can take focus in the moment. And right now, what are we going to do right now? Exactly. And I love I love your attitude about that and your and your positivity about that, because obviously over the next course of the next couple of days, hope began to to turn into reality that she probably wasn't going to make it. Correct. Yes. Yes. It was on a Wednesday. And every day she would have multiple CAT scans. And while I wasn't a doctor, I knew what I was looking at. And this particular day they came in and we talked about the scan. And I said, that's not her scan. And they said it is. And I said, no, it's not. No, it is not. You know, they always say go towards the light. You know, you always hear that phrase often. Well, this scan was dark. This scan was dark. And I said, why does that look this way? And she said, Lydia's brain is dying. The dark is from the necrosis. And this is where we are. We have pulled all of our tricks out of our pocket. They insured me they had so many tricks in their back pocket that they could use for her. And so I'm thinking, OK, well, we've got all these tricks in our pocket and we're going to be months down the road and we may need to use some of those tricks. I think they told me that on a Tuesday afternoon and by Wednesday morning, every trick they had in their pocket had been used. So the hourglass changed. You know, you always want a speedy recovery. Everyone always prays for that. Well, this was speed in the direction we did not want to go. So that just meant that her healing would occur in heaven. And she indeed followed the light to our Lord and Savior. And I love that you say that because to get to that point where I think we had talked about it in one of our conversations where you told her that if that's where she wanted to go, you know, that you would you would go. You would be OK with that, that you understood and that whatever choice she was making at that time, that it was hers alone, right? Correct. And so I remember that particular morning, that Wednesday morning, you know, the earth shattering CAT scan. I went into her room that day and it was basically just her and I for the most part. It was quiet. It was calm. And I held her hand and I told her, I said, honey, if you love where you are. You're OK. You can stay there. You can stay there. You can stay there. Yeah. And I will be OK. And we will all be OK. And this isn't the end. You're just going to be waiting for me until I get there. And so that baffles me. That baffles me that at that juncture that you were you were. So OK with that happening, that you had that kind of mindset, because I did not have that mindset for a long, long, long time. So that really proves how strong you are as a woman and in your faith and knowing that, you know, they're just leaving their earthly body, you know. And so that right there, I wanted to stop and just just sit in that for a second, because a lot of mothers would not be able to do that because we're selfish. We want our children here with us. And so I just think the strength and the love that you showed her in that moment is that you did not want her to suffer. And you would be OK without her because, you know, you would see her again. That doesn't come for a lot of people for for a long, long time, Kelly. And it seems like you had peace, you know, pretty early on. I didn't feel like I had another choice. I think that's that's just me. That's my personality. You know, I'm a glass half full kind of person. I will find the positive in every situation that's out there, because if I dwell on the negative, then I'm going to go down a deep, dark spiral. And I don't want to do that. You know, I don't want that person that's that's lost. And so I had asked her, you know, of course, you know, she never regained consciousness from the moment of the accident. And but I told her, you know, I said, hey, I'm going to need you to show me what it is you want to do. You need to show me. And I'm a huge believer of signs. And I just told her, you've got to show me what it is you want to do. If you want to stay where you are, I want nothing more than you to come back to me. I want nothing more than that. My whole entire world would be, you know, I'm going to be lost without you. But if you're choosing to stay where you are, I need you to show me. And, you know, it felt like minutes had passed, but it was probably more hours. But it was in that same day on that Wednesday, her pressures began to rise and rise and rise. And, you know, seven's where we wanted to be. You know, then our lucky number was 28. We got to stay under 28 and then it would creep up to 30. And after we had the conversation, I spent, you know, that day with her. Like I said, just mainly her and I. She showed me her pressures had raised to 60. The doctor and nurse come in and they said, we're going to turn this monitor off. You don't need to see this anymore. And I said, it's okay. She told me what she wanted to do. She's on her path now and she's going to go to heaven. That's where she wants to be. And she told me and it's okay. And I remember that she kind of stood there and looked at me like, I don't know what to say. And they probably did not expect that at all. No, no. And so they came over and they hugged me. And, you know, after that, you know, we were talking about organ donation and everything. Yes. Sorry. And that's one thing that I wanted to touch on is that, you know, we talked about some of our initial conversations, both of our children being organ donors. And, you know, CJ was 30 years old. And so I really had no idea that he wanted to donate his organs. It was never a conversation that came up in our home or even, you know, as, you know, growing up and trying to get him through the teenage years. It just wasn't a conversation that we ever had because obviously we don't expect to lose our children. But was that something that you knew that Lydia wanted? Was that a conversation that you had had before with her? We had never talked about organ donation. When she had gotten her driver's license, we still didn't talk about it. And funny story, when she was getting her driver's license, of course, you know, she can't wait to drive. She's going to drive as soon as she gets those licenses. And she was going out, you know, to be with friends that night. She couldn't wait. So we go to the driver's, you know, to the DMV and she passed her test. And the next thing we know, their computer system is down and she cannot get her license. And she was pissed. And I laughed. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. And she's like, Mom, this is not funny. She's like, it's almost like God doesn't want me to drive. This is what I've been waiting for forever. And here I can get my license, but I can't even drive because their system is down. So we had called all over the state. I mean, I was going to go everywhere and anywhere that, you know, could have done those licenses for her. But the whole system was down. So we got them the next day. But we got it right. We did get it. But that is just the way that life went for her. Right. Go ahead. So, you know, thinking back, you know, she was introduced to organ donation at a young age. And it didn't dawn on me until after she had passed. She was in Girl Scouts. And I think she was around five. And the troop leader donated her kidney to her mom. And so that was the discussion for the meeting that night. And Lydia got up and covered me and she said, Mom, Diane's a hero. And she was just completely blown away that somebody could do that. And I was in turn blown away because a five-year-old just recognized that this woman saved her mother's life through organ donation. And Lydia picked up on it like, wow. So fast forward, she got her license, delayed, but she got them. And we didn't talk about organ donation. And then she went to school. And her teacher had told me, you know, after she had passed away, he said, I just want you to know that she came in and flashed those licenses in front of me and said, look at me. I'm an organ donor. And he said, that's awesome, Lydia. Congratulations. She was so proud of doing, of saying that and checking the box to be an organ donor. But we never talked about it. At such a young age, at her being so young at the time. Lydia was 18, correct? Yes. So this is where... Go ahead. No, go ahead. This is where her story is inspiring, but this is where her story, for me, where I had to grab my tissues because I felt all of the emotions. You described that Lydia's organ donating saved 58 lives, 58 lives. And that's more than a hero. That's a superhero in my book. And one of the biggest donations was her heart. And this is where the story takes twists and turns, is that it's truly unbelievable and so inspiring. And again, we come back to that word hope, that she gave so many hope with her generosity of her donations. Can you tell us about what led up to you meeting the lady who received Lydia's heart? Yes. So when we were in the hospital and the transplant team had taken over, and I had to sign her life away on this dotted line. And I kind of blocked that, but I just vaguely remember doing it. And I remember saying, gosh, I hope she doesn't think I'm giving up on her. I hope that she... Because I'm just signing this paper that says, this organization now owns my child. And so that was really, really difficult for me. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew what needed to be done. And so when I was in the hospital and she was getting ready to go into surgery for the transplant, I had written a letter to her heart recipient. And in my mind, I just thought, they're going to take that letter to the heart recipient. Here's your letter because... And they even said, well, you already wrote the letter. And I said, well, yeah. They need to know what kind of heart they're getting. Right. And said, well, that's not the... We're going to take the letter. We're going to put it in an envelope. But we can't give that to this recipient right now. There's processes and things that we need to do. And you will receive a letter talking about where her organs went. And it was a vague but powerful letter. So her eyes, her corneas are in Egypt. There wasn't a match in the United States for her cornea. And I chuckle with that because that was Lydia's fashion. It totally made sense that there was not a match in the United States. So she gave the gift of sight to two people in Egypt. And their culture does not allow us to know who those people are. They did assure me that it was between the ages of nine months and 99 years old. And so she always wanted to travel the world. She wanted to join the military and travel. And so, you know, she's doing that. She's doing that. And two people received two organs from her. And that is another rarity. It's not something that's very common. And again, that's in true Lydia fashion. And so I wanted to write this letter to the heart recipient. And then I'm like, well, they, you know, she can't. At the point, I didn't know if it's a man or a woman, but they can't have that right now. But we will get it to that person. We will get it to her. And so I lost my train of thought. Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. So they take her back and it's done. You know, they wheeled her down the hall. And there we stood, you know, and I still can remember them turning the corner. And I saw a side profile of her face. And that night, somebody else got the gift of life. And it just so happened, you know, to be a woman. And she now gets to take care of her family and her son. All because of my Lydia. Right. And how long was it between that time and meeting the lady who received her heart? What kind of time frame was that? It was pretty quick. It was pretty quick. Lydia's Angel Day was March 5th. The surgery was March 5th and into the overnight hours. And, you know, I got to, they sent her the letter that I had written to her Easter of that same year, 2017. And I, in turn, got a letter and gifts from Andrea on Mother's Day. She made sure to get it to them in time so they could get it to me for my first Mother's Day without her, which was pretty special. And Andrea is the recipient of the heart, right? Yes. And we had had several mutual friends that said, hey, Kelly, I think I know who may have Lydia's heart. And I said, well, listen, I don't want to know about this person until I know, one, in fact, it's her. Two, I don't want to hear her story through anybody else but her. So if you know something, you know, I don't know what her heart issue is or whatever, but I need to hear it for the first time from her. And they totally understood. And lo and behold, it was her. She actually lived at the time about 20 minutes away from me. And so I often say, you know, her eyes are as far as the eye can see, but her heart is close to me. And so it's not, you know, it's not common to have your daughter's heart, you know, was in your home in her body. And now it's in a new body 30 minutes down the road. And so we had made a decision. We had talked through a mutual friend of ours, Tara, who also did Lydia's senior pictures. And so we had talked to Tara. We decided that we were going to meet. We picked the day for May 22nd of 2017. She told me that she would like for me to come to her parents and we would have dinner and we would sit around and get to know each other. So I'd had that address. And so the next morning, I'm like, my goodness, this address is like 10 minutes away from me. I mean, what are the chances? So I had it in my GPS and I went down this road. And closer I get to this particular yellow house, I kept saying out loud, I said, Lydia, if this is where, if this is the yellow house, you've outdone yourself. And sure enough, the address that she had given me was this yellow house. And in 2009, Andrea, who now has Lydia's heart, sold us their camper or their family's camper at their garage sale. So we had met. She did not meet Lydia that day. It was my cousin Adam and I that went there and looked at the camper. I decided to buy it. I actually wanted it a bit more, but I was going to get that camper. And we wanted it because Lydia showed horses and cows and we wanted to camp and we wanted to be at the fair. We wanted to go all around and make memories in it. And so we got this camper. And I didn't know at the time that she was sick. But fast forward to 2017, the same camper that Andrea and her family slept in, I now own. And now Andrea owns her heart. You know, you're right. I mean, she led her heart back home, you know, and that is that is just amazing to me that you did get that gift. And also that Andrea got the gift of knowing, you know, what kind of heart that she received. It's just a really a full circle moment of hope and love and compassion and everything that you can think of all into one. What a great gift for you, you know, as a mother to know that her heart lives on, you know, in someone who, like you said, now she is able to, you know, live and be a mother to her children. And she's an educator and, you know, all of the things. It's just it's just remarkable to me. I just I could not get over that when we talked about that initially. And what a great gift that that must that you must feel like that's such a great gift for you. It is such a huge gift. You know, it's and it surprised me, but it didn't at the same time. Because, you know, remember when I said that she brushed against you in the hallway, she almost knocked you down. Her power is so full of force. So I was shocked. And I, you know, I called my husband. I said, you are not going to believe this. And he's like, you've got to be kidding me. You know, how are you kidding me right now? You know, and I just it just blew me away. And so I would for that first year, she would have to have heart caths once a month. So I took her. I'm the one that took her to the hospital and had those done. And I was sitting in the room. The doctor surgeon come in and they would tell me how things went. And he said, how do you do this? You're the very first donor mom that I've ever met. That's bringing the recipient patient. It's your daughter's heart. You're here for her. You're here at the hospital. And I said, well, why wouldn't I? That's Lydia's heart. That heart began in me. There's always going to be a connection. Yeah. And you're still protecting your daughter's heart. I mean, you're still protecting your daughter's heart. So for me, I just I just think I'm so thankful that you got that gift. And that you and Andrea are still in contact and still to this day. Correct? Yes. Yes. We have an unbreakable bond. We have an unbreakable bond. We we don't we talk often, you know, or we may not talk for a while. But when we do talk, we pick right back up again. And she felt a lot of guilt. Someone had to pass in order for her to receive that heart. And, you know, she's getting ready to go into surgery. And she's like, but what about the family that's saying goodbye to their loved one right now? And that heart's coming to me. You know, so she it's a lot to process on her end. And I tried to understand that the best that I could. You know, she doesn't know what it's like to be me. And I don't know what it's like to be her. But she does have the gift of life or the gift of life. Thankful, you know, for my girl. And that heart was strong. And it definitely had a wall around it. And so if you were lucky enough to get through the wall, you were considered golden in Lydia's book. So it was a very protected heart and a very strong heart. And so, you know, Andrea can now prosper and live and be there for Matthew and her husband and family and friends. And so the process of getting to know her and becoming to love her has been nothing short of amazing. Yeah, I could probably see how easy it would be. And, you know, here you're talking about the unbreakable bond between you and Andrea. I talk about this all the time. The bond between us as mothers that have lost their children, not just mothers to fathers as well, but families that have lost their children. You know, the grief journey is a very, very lonely walk at times. And even if you have a great supportive family and loved ones and friends and husbands, it's still a very lonely road unless you can share it with somebody who truly understands. And that is, you know, one of the purposes, you know, when I was sitting here in my pain of losing CJ, you know, so tragically, so suddenly, so young. After a couple of years of a lot of loss in my life, I needed to feel that someone understood me. I needed to feel that bond. And so, you know, that's why I got involved in the grief groups and where I saw you and met you and your post. And, you know, the main purpose for me in this podcast is, like I said before, I'm not a professional. I'm not a professional podcaster. I'm just a little girl from East Texas that had a baby and wants to honor her child. But I also want to help others heal just like you do and help others have hope. Because when you're standing in the storm in the beginning, it doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better. It doesn't feel like you're ever going to be able to talk about your child without breaking down. And it doesn't feel like anyone really understands the profound pain and grief that you're in. And, you know, here I am. You know, we want to help others on this journey. And here I am in month 15. And here you are in year six. And, you know, I don't know if I told you this, but I don't think you really understand how much that you've helped me and given me hope. And it just makes me happy that, you know, this story is going to be out there to help, you know, so many others on their grief journey right now. And then, you know, the ones that are unfortunately going to come after us. So there's going to be, you know, more parents that lose their children. And if we can give them, you know, resources and tools and hope and love on them just a little bit and educate the public and educate family and friends on what we really do need from them. Because so many times, and I think we've talked about this, you know, we feel isolated. We feel like no one wants to say our child's name in fear of us starting to cry or whatever. And we always want to hear our child's name. When you and I talk, we say Lydia and CJ's name quite a bit. And it brings us joy. I know it brings me joy. And I didn't think 15 months ago that I would ever be at a point where I would have joy or hope. And so your mindset and what you've done and how you have gotten through this has given me hope. And I just want you to know that. And I know that it's going to give so many others hope as well. I really appreciate it. This story is so important to be out there for so many reasons. But the main reason is that word that you held on to during those days is hope. And so being in year six of your grief journey, what would you say to grieving families that are just probably maybe in the beginning of their journey? Do you have like a message or something that you'd like to let them know? My big thing is give yourself grace. There's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. You're going to be up, maybe up so high that people are like, what in the world is wrong with her? She just lost her daughter. Why is she, you know, she's acting weird, you know, kind of thing. Or, you know, it could be that I would lay in bed and I didn't want to socialize. But then I wanted to socialize. I needed to be busy. I needed to find, I needed my people around me. I needed the comfort of others. But then, you know, sometimes you just don't want to do that. You know, sometimes you just want to cry in the shower. Something specific. Go ahead. I know two days are the same, or at least for me. You know, I would always feel like, oh, if they see me smiling or if they see me out and about, then, you know, they think I'm okay. And it's like, I remember asking you, you know, how you did this. And you said, you know, Tanya, there was no other choice. You know, we're not, we don't, we don't, we don't have any other choice but to be strong. And even though I dislike that word so much nowadays, because I've heard it so much, it's true. You know, we have no other choice but to be strong and get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And I think, you know, in those days I was praying, you know, God, what do you want me to do? Because I immediately did the things that you're not supposed to do. I made major decisions in year one. I sold my house. I sold my business. I kind of went underground for a little bit because I knew I needed to heal. And I just didn't know what or how or when. And, you know, it just kept coming to me. You know, sit with the grieving. Sit with the grieving. You know, teach people how to talk to the grieving and what the grieving needs from each other and what they need from the families. And so, yes, you're so on point. Compassion. Give yourself time. Give yourself some grace. This is all new territory. We don't know what to do, you know? Yeah. And you're right. You know, we don't have a choice. And, you know, so many people, and I hear a lot, you know, Kelly, you're so strong. And, you know, my response is your response. I don't have a choice. You know, I could let this take me down and my life could be in ruin. But who's that going to be good for? It's not going to be good for me. It's not going to be good for my husband or my son, my mom, my family, my friends. If I'm not where I need to be, then how in the world am I going to help everybody else? And everyone still needs me. You know, I'm a mom. Everybody needs me. We need to be there for each other. And, you know, so I always say give yourself grace. You know, find something that brings you joy. Find a passion that you are deep and passionate about. You know, just kind of put both feet in the ground and take off. Something in their memory, something that will make you happy. You know, I used to feel guilty for smiling. I felt bad for having fun. I felt bad to even laugh at a joke sometimes because I thought, well, why am I laughing? Why am I smiling? Why am I happy? Why is there joy right now? Because there's certainly not joy because she's gone. She's gone. And then I just stopped and I thought, well, you got two choices here. You sink or you swim. You move mountains and you help others or you hide in a cave. And hiding was not an option for me. That's just my personality. I just couldn't do it. And so I enjoyed starting to feel good again and feel good about feeling good. And not to feel guilty enjoying pleasures in life because those are still there. You know, our world sucked, but everybody else's world kept going. I remember that first year. I'm looking around and I'm like, well, how are you doing all this stuff? And here I am without my child. How are you doing that? And that first year was a blur. The first year I think is a blur for a lot of people. I repeated myself so many times to one of my very best friends and she would say, Kelly, you already told me that. And I was like, no, I didn't. I do the same. And, you know, and it's just fight or flight is kind of the way that I look at it, you know, and that's just how I coped then. And I just remember thinking to everyone, not everyone, but a lot of people wanted me to just hurry up. And I don't want to say the word move on, but quit being so sad all the time. And, you know, and it was like, come on, you know, I can't do that. Even as strong as I am, loving him for 30 years and being his mom for 30 years and 18 years that you got with Lydia, that doesn't just fade away. And love is still there. We just don't know what to do with the love. And so, you know, the other thing is that, you know, I wanted to educate, you know, other people on how to treat us, you know, and what what how they could be better to us. Because I don't know for me and I've, you know, a lot of other people I've talked to, you know, a lot of people have distanced themselves because, you know, the death is so taboo. And especially of a child and they fear like it would happen to them. And like what I always say is I always did, too. I always feared that something would happen to my children. I've always been that way or someone happening to something happening to someone that I love. And how would I how would I get through that? Never in a million years did I think that that I would, you know, bury two children. And so. I think it's really important that we educate others on how to support their loved ones that are grieving and and give them tools and and what has worked for us. Because I've had people reach out to me and say, thank you for for doing the podcast, because I have a friend that lost someone and I want to I want to figure out how to be a better friend to her. Did you feel like. Go ahead. What would be your response to that? Yeah, you know, my message is pretty simple. Show up. Be there. You know, we may sit in a room. In darkness with no sound. I may end up bawling my eyes out. Hold my hand. You don't have to speak. Be there. Be there. You know, we could sob uncontrollably or we could laugh hysterically. Both are OK. Both are needed. You know, our tears is is the price we pay for love. And this path of grief is full of tears. There's also moments when it's OK to laugh and, you know, to laugh hysterically, especially over some of those stories that I have about Lydia, you know, and we would just remember those things. And I would it was almost like just a body release. You know, it just felt so good to let the tears out or to to laugh hysterically because of, you know, moments that we thought about with her. Say her name. Say our kids name. It's OK if you say Lydia. It is OK if you say CJ. It is OK. And if we cry, guess what? That's OK, too. That is actually and actually it helps us remember that they haven't forgotten because we haven't forgotten. We're never going to forget. But it helps us remember that that the other the others that are trying to love us and support us haven't forgotten about our child and doesn't want us to stop talking about it, because for me, I'm never going to stop talking about CJ. That's just not ever going to be an option. And so, you know, I hope that I hope that people understand that. And, you know, you seem in such a good space, you know, what what has helped you? You know, everybody, you know, I've done grief counseling. I've read every book. I've, you know, done all kinds of different types of things in order to heal myself. And people don't understand healing yourself from from this type of trauma, tragedy, pain, grief. It's really a hard thing to do. And a lot of a lot of moms don't make it out very well. You know, some people I still talk to in their three and four years and they're still in massive depression and still on the couch. And like you said, that's for me that there is no judgment there because I could easily see how people could do that. But that wasn't an option for me. I have a family. I have a 10 year old son. I have a husband. I have granddaughters. I have employees that everybody is looking to me to to stay strong. And the things that I needed from people, I felt I got from some people, but not from others. And I was just wondering what worked for you as you were navigating through the journey to come out on the other side as positive and as you are now. I, in the hospital, started journaling. My aunt had given me an empty, empty book. And I wrote my words, my feelings down from, you know, that first night in neuro ICU. And I continued journaling for a while. I kind of put it to the side. I would revisit that journal. I'd read through it. And I'm like, oh, my, I don't remember saying that. Or I don't remember thinking that, you know. It's really bizarre how you can think something in that moment. And a couple months down the road, you're like, did I really think that? Or is that how, you know, it went? You know, because your mind is just constantly playing tricks on you, especially that first year, you know, the first of the hardest. I did see a therapist. She was amazing. And she moved. She got to, she moved to England, which is where she was from. And so a huge shout out to her because her particular therapy is called EMDR therapy. And it is, it deals with trauma and PTSD. And so I did quite a few sessions with the EMDR. And I remember one particular thing. I was sitting in the chair. And, you know, they went to a dark spot. And that was hard, but I needed to go deep down to the dark place. And there's two things that you hold in your hand that pulsate back and forth, and it connects your right and left brain. And at that time, when you're thinking of that dark spot, you know, you're speaking out loud. Well, it had completely almost put me into the fetal position on the floor. That was an out-of-body experience. I've never experienced that before. I've never felt that way before. And I don't think I've ever cried that way before. But that was the turning point for me. It really did help. And I think, too, like you said, you know, people don't understand the physical effects of this type of grief. I was literally sick. I mean, literally ill, you know. And so, you know, I had to figure out, okay, you know, how to work through that because my body was definitely wanting to shut down. My heart was broken, and my mind was playing tricks on me. So it was a very scary, lonely time, you know, in the beginning for me. But, you know, doing this podcast and talking to women like you and doing my nonprofit in honor of him is giving me hope, and there's that word again, and helping me heal. And, you know, I just, I feel like God has aligned you and I for a better purpose. And I am just so thankful that you said yes to this podcast to share with me and the others of Lydia's story. Because I know our journeys are two totally different type journeys on our, you know, how we lost our children and the times and the timeframe and their age and all of that. But at the end of the day, you know, we're two mothers that are grieving, but we are passionate about helping others. And that's truly why I believe that God aligned you and I to be here today. And I'm just so thankful. I agree. I agree. You know, another thing that helped me in the beginning, my health has always been an issue. And after Lydia had passed away, you know, I was on a deep spiral to full-time obesity. And we're talking a food addict. I was a food addict. I would even hide my food. And I have a blanket cabinet in my living room and I hid food in there. Nobody really knows that, but now everybody does. So, anyways, I decided on January 21 that I needed to take control of my health. And it was at a point to where my idea of fun was staying in my PJs, watch Netflix and could not wait to go to sleep because I prayed that I would dream about Lydia, which I've had several dreams and I'm so thankful for that. So, I decided to battle this obesity because, you know, I needed to be here. I need to be here for my son. I need to be here for Rick. I need to be here for my family and friends. And so I started this weight loss journey and it has now become my passion. I talked about before, find something that you're passionate about that you're going to do to help others. And I love that for you. I love that for you because you're going to find... I did the same thing. I gained 30 pounds. You know, I had health problems anyways and I just ate my feelings. And so and then, you know, I'm like, OK, now you have to do the extra hard work to get it back off because you've got these little faces that need you here. And so I'm so proud of you and I'm so glad that that has worked for you. And, you know, I just you're sharing so much hope with the listeners here tonight. And I just I can't thank you enough. And I know that Lydia and CJ are up there just smiling, being like, look at my mamas, you know. Yes, they are. And, you know, my passion is what I said before is helping others, you know, helping each other. And, you know, the path of grief and helping each other and the path of health. You know, I became now I'm a health coach. I do that full time. And so my passion is sunk into other individuals, too. Some of my people are my friends and they've lost a child. And so we connect on that level and now we're connecting on the level of our health. And so I would just say, you know, that you be you. You do you. When you take care of yourself, you can help and be there and take care of others. You are no good if you're not good for yourself. I agree. I agree. And, you know, in each week, you know, I asked and you and I talked about this. And as we've been talking over the past week, I I asked God to send a message, you know, or thoughts to the people that are going to be on the other end listening to this. And basically it's, you know. We have to move forward. You know, we have to put one foot in front of the other. We can't change people. We can't change what has happened. We can only change the direction that we travel in, you know, from this day forward. And what I want to say to all of the mothers that I've spoken with and the ones that are going to come after us and any of the families is that I see I see you. We see you. We see the light that you don't see in yourself, that you're buried in the darkness, you know, the darkness of trapped emotions. And sadness and grief. And I've been there and you've been there. And I think a lot of people have been there. And sometimes it's hard to find the light. It really is. But but it's there. And, you know, when we are in complete darkness, what do we search for? We search for the light. And to me, nothing is impossible when you have worked in the dark. When you've done that work, you know, those late nights where you're crying into your pillow and the whole family's asleep and nobody really understands or we don't talk about those times. We always search for the light. And once you learn how to work in the dark, you will learn that that nothing is impossible. You know, it's going to lead you to the light every single time. And I hope that in your story, my story and all the other stories that are going to come after it after us is that, you know, out of the darkness, you're going to you're going to find light and you're going to find hope. It may not feel like it right now. It may be so far fetched. And we've been there and feeling those. And basically, yeah, just, you know, keep pushing forward, taking care of yourself, giving yourself grace and compassion, surrounding yourself by people who understand and love you. And, you know, not taking it personally when you don't hear from people, you know, when people just can't handle it. And so I just I just wanted to thank you again for being so open and honest and transparent. And we are going to have your information up on the Web site if someone wants to reach out to you for health coaching or, you know, any type of whatever you're doing right now. We want to have you be a resource for our listeners. And I want to conclude with a prayer that with Scripture that came to me after many conversations with you and I. And it's Psalm 62, 8, and it says, trust in him at all times. Pour your heart out before him. God is a refuge for us. And I don't know for you, I don't want to speak for you, but I think for me, you know, everybody said, well, are you mad at God? No, never. No, never. I have not ever been in this situation. And he's the only thing that has gotten me through. And my love for, you know, my love for my child and to continue to honor him. And I hate that you and I are in this club and I hate that this is the way we had to meet. And this is what, you know, we had to go through. But I am so grateful that I met you. And I'm so thankful for what you have already done and what you're going to continue to do. And I know Lydia is proud of her mama. I know that for sure. That comes right back to you. I feel like that we've known each other for years and we just met. And, you know, your passion is there. You're doing this in honor of CJ. I'm doing this in honor of Lydia. And this is what we can do to help others. There's help out there. You know, we don't have to do it alone. Go ahead. We don't have to do it alone, you know. And my favorite scripture, one of my favorites is, we walk by faith we cannot be. And I tell myself that so many times a day. And so, you know, there is hope. It's okay to have fun. It's okay to smile. That's what they would want us to do. They sure would. They sure would. And our journey is not over, Kelly. I believe that we've got a lot more left to do in honor for our children that we can't, you know, only one segment is not going to cover it. So, I hope that you will come back. And I know God has big plans for us. And I just want to say thank you for taking the time out today to share this amazing story. And I hope that as the people listen to it this weekend that they are filled with hope. And, you know, know that no matter what, you know, just try to go to the light. Try to go to God. Surround yourself with people that love you. And you're going to get through it. So, I just want to say thank you again so much for coming on today. And I know that our journey isn't over with. You know, this podcast wouldn't be possible, you know, without our sponsors. So, I want to thank this week's sponsor. He's a really special friend of mine. And it's Kyle Franklin with Service First Construction. Kyle and I started our businesses around the same time, about six years ago. And we both built very successful companies from the ground up. And so, I just want to take a moment to thank Kyle for supporting me in this podcast. He's a good man. I'm glad to call him my friend. You know, when I started reaching out to him, he said, Tonya, what is the goal? And I said, mental health and be uninsured. And he's like, done. Where do I write a check? And so, we want to definitely take the time out and tell Kyle thank you for sponsoring this podcast. And Kelly, thank you for being on today. And I know that we will talk soon and that we're just getting started. Yes, we are. I'm looking forward to this journey with you. We can do this together and we can help others. So, thank you so much. It's been an honor.