230318 What is loneliness really?

Loneliness is described as a feeling of something missing, a belief that life would be more fulfilling with someone or something. The speaker reflects on their past experiences of loneliness and how they sought to fill the emptiness with distractions. They mention the balance between solitude and connection, recognizing that interaction can temporarily relieve loneliness. The speaker also discusses the importance of not dwelling on the past or projecting into the future. They find comfort in their current lifestyle, despite the challenges they face with their van. They mention engaging with others as a way to counteract loneliness and highlight the positive impact of kind and caring people. The speaker acknowledges that while they may experience moments of longing for connection, they quickly return to their normal state of solitude. They reflect on whether they have transcended loneliness or merely found a way to avoid it, acknowledging that loneliness still exists but is not easily f So, what exactly is loneliness? I mean, I am alone, I'm not entirely alone in the sense that I never see anybody or spend time with people that I like being around or even feel close to, but for the vast majority of my time I'm alone. I don't know if I am lonely, but it may be that I must be, I just deal with it better than I once did. But what exactly is it? It must be, to some degree, based on either a belief or a definition or just a continuing thought process, that something is missing, someone is missing, and the idea of them is imagined as being fulfilling, that with them or with it, life would be more fulfilling so that the feeling of being without it or them creates an emptiness, a space, and then one is tempted to fill that emptiness with something that isn't them or it, but works as a distraction until hopefully that sort of feeling is relieved for a time and then again, depending on how often one thinks, certain thoughts will return. I suppose, because I can remember being like this when I was in the first van and had enough time to recover from the feeling of loss, the devastation I experienced when my family, my life situation were removed from me and I was just in this space, and had understood and looked at myself and examined my choices, my actions, and had begun to come to terms with the fact that, look, whatever could have been different, however I might have approached things, done things differently, this is where I am, this is how it is. I was listening to teachings, Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Bashar, regularly and the state of presence built so that I found myself accepting and actually growing from the experience and then it became something else, but underlying it was this constant sense of loneliness that I didn't want to live this life this way, I needed to be with someone and that would allow me to let go of it, I could move in with them, into their home, into their life, have access to all the things that most people just take for granted here, normal stuff, a proper toilet, a shower, a bed, a living room, kitchen with a fridge, and just live that way, without having to actually create it myself, have a job that pays for this, I couldn't do any of that, but yet that was an alternative and then I continued to seek that until I found it in a few ways, all of which quickly revealed that they came about through wrong intention, you might say, so I don't do that now, I don't think like that now, I'm not looking for that experience, I deliberately chose to live in a van again as a result of, in a sense, recognising how much easier for me it would be, even though the sacrifice of no proper toilet or shower, no proper kitchen, fridge, continuously on, all these things that require energy and bills and so on, all of that I couldn't have, in fact actually I realised I didn't want to have, that I would find other ways to live, that were simpler, energy from the sun, water from the spring, heat sometimes from the sun, but space and solitude and lack of bills and all the things, I've talked about them before, so I might say, no I'm not lonely, that I am content putting aside the van issues that I'm having at the moment, which are definitely messing with me, generally that I am content, I'm happy within this kind of structure of how I do it, somewhere I've got somewhere to be, my own space, a place to sleep, a place to sit, a place to talk, I can do many things here and so it serves many purposes, so it's multifunctional and that's good for me. Am I lonely sometimes? I suppose I must be, that I miss interaction and then I have it, but I might miss that until I do and that missing part could be loneliness, if it went on too long then perhaps it would be clearly loneliness, but fortunately it doesn't go on too long, certainly within a week and sometimes two or three times in that week I interact and come away feeling energised and having expressed love and kindness, having experienced some love and kindness, I'm not lonely as a result and I'm not struggling with having to come away from it as if somehow I need it continuously because I recognise that if I had it too much that it might actually and probably would become an issue rather than it being something special, it would just become normal and issues would arise from it as a result. So there has to be a balance between solitude and connection and that seems to happen naturally, that I don't need to make anything happen per se and yet it still does. But loneliness, if I sit here, if I'm dwelling on what I don't have, what I once had and the trouble with imagining the past is it's very easy to romanticise it, to feel only the good things that have been lost but not really feel the bad things that made it impossible. Those ideas are not really felt, I might remember that there were issues but what they felt like is gone. Then the longing for the connection and all the good stuff can sort of seem larger than it actually was in the balance of things. So I don't do that. When I did do that, when I have done that, it has only been for the purposes of understanding the journey to see where I might have done things differently and learn from it, not to regret, to feel loss. Oh, if only I'd done it like that back then, but I wasn't him. Well, I wasn't who I am, I was him but I wasn't me. I couldn't, we forget that I'm looking in hindsight as the man I am now. Yes, oh, as the man I am now, if I could be transposed into him I would do things differently and it may work differently but I wasn't, I'm not me now, I was him then. It's important to remember that. So I've only done that to clarify, to learn, to understand and then that allows me to let it go without having avoided, without having pushed it into a corner and covered it up because I refuse to deal with it when there's something that needs to be dealt with. I don't have, I don't believe, I have anything lurking that isn't, I won't shine a light on and haven't shone a light on. I may not have understood everything or I'm still a work in progress but at the same time that feels lighter, I'm not carrying the weight of the past because it's not been resolved. And I'm not projecting into the future to say that oh, hopefully in the future that I'll live, I don't do that either. I'm not saying that there can't be a future where life is different but I'm not expecting it to be, it doesn't have to be. Maybe that's also why what's going on with the van right now is quite difficult for me because it's directly interfering with just being in the present and living simply. And it shouldn't and it's definitely affecting me less and less each day because I am getting used to what needs to be done. It's not so, it's becoming familiar now, it's not so different which caused tremendous anxiety. Now that there's familiarity and repetitiveness, that's more like the way I do things and so I now feel more comfortable doing it. I'd still like to finish it but it's got to take its own time, it's got to work itself out in its own way, I don't know how long it will take. Meanwhile, in a sense, that also gives me more to do which ensures that the idea of loneliness can't come into play anyway. I am okay not engaging with people, therefore that also indicates to me that there is a lack of loneliness. Not always but if I need to interact with people, I'm looking to connect to perhaps make friends, can come out of loneliness. I see people do that. They do lots of talking with strangers which is their way of counteracting what may be otherwise a lonely life. Those elders who live alone and perhaps have mental health issues and so on, maybe they're a little bit poor and spend, visit charity shops on a regular basis and may engage with people as a result and all of that helps them to feel less lonely. Their partners may have died, you know, years before and they're trying, they're just doing what makes them feel good to get through the day. We all do that. But that doesn't mean that when I'm engaged with Kay or Eliza or Steve or anyone from that life, that meditation group, that it doesn't give me a kind of, oh, this is more like connection where loneliness doesn't exist at all. There's people who are kind and caring and loving and open and it's nice to be around them. So that when I go back, I know that there can be moments, a twinge of, just for a moment, a recognition of loss of that feeling of that being me, that version in that situation. But very quickly I'm back to my normal regular state of alone and solitary and I get on with things and do my thing and very quickly that is normal again, very quickly. But yes, I recognise that I can, the contrast is quite contrasting. It's very different. So I'm able to straddle two worlds, two very distinctly different worlds, without one affecting the other in a negative way. I came back to the van and experienced loneliness or loss and I missed the other world and just wanted, longed to be back in it and do anything, to have just a little more time. Then I might suffer. So it may explain why whenever I have the opportunity, whenever I'm asked to be in that world, I always take it because I like it, but I'm not obsessed and attached to it per se, so I'm not suffering while I'm here in the van. Am I describing someone who has transcended loneliness? Or have I found a way to avoid it? But there is loneliness, but yet it's not easy to feel it. And that's no bad thing, but it is still loneliness underlying underneath. It's not perfect. It's hard to find a perfect life. I mean, many seem to be living a perfect life. They've found they're doing something they love that supports them, that they earn a living from. That must feel great, that they live in a beautiful place, natural, have freedoms to hunt and fish if that's what they like. And many people get to experience that. Relationships can be successful or perhaps it's a solitary life. Perhaps they lose a loved one and just get on with it. But I come across people living lives through YouTube primarily, and generally those are the examples of people who are successfully doing that. It's inspiring to see, oh, it is possible. Look how wonderful a life can be. Family, where, what, how. But it hasn't just, it's come out of hard work and a life lived. And I don't do hard work. I am floating, drifting technically, even though I don't move the van I can't move the van now. Braking system not working properly, MOT, which has to be, I can't drive around if I wanted to. I've just got to be in one place which is fine. For most people it would be a massive problem that they can't drive around in a van that they drive around in. But I'm perfectly fine not driving around so it doesn't seem like it's a problem to me. I don't have a family as such, although I feel like Kay and Eliza and to some extent Steve are my spiritual family. The people that I talk to at the meditation group afterwards when we're having tea, only a couple of people really I engage with. And they're not always there but it's more like I'm listening to the conversations that people have and that's okay. They're also kind of family, I suppose, kind of. Slowly, as you reveal things, a relationship develops, it may not ever go beyond the group, in that group, in that room, on that day. There are interesting relationship friendships that don't encompass much of what is outside. It's not that far off from online stuff where you only see what people say. You only know someone by what they've said to you and so much of their life is not visible. But that seems to be enough. And in fact there could be more, for sure, and I limit it so it must be enough. But actually quality is far more important than the quantity. It's not that having acquaintances and friends and doing things with different people, which for some is what happens. For me it's just the quality of the connection. With the right connection nothing else is needed. The right friendship, the right partner, nothing, no one else is needed. At least for quite some time. I've experienced that several times where suddenly those who were in my life, it's not that they're gone, we haven't fallen out or anything, no words have been said, I just don't contact them. I just have no need to because I'm fulfilled by the current situation I'm in. It doesn't last and it may actually ultimately damage the original friendship and there is a price to pay for that but that's how I experience it. I am fulfilled by those I have in my life who mean something to me, who are special to me. I just can't have many of them. There aren't many of them. Sometimes there's only one. So in a sense right now I could say I'm blessed because I've got several people in my life who I enjoy either being with or talking to and feel something real is there as a result. Well that definitely removes any kind of loneliness because it's not about having that on a continuous basis. Like I said if I had too much of it it would somehow lessen it, diminish it. And if longer periods go by in between it, when it happens, it has more meaning in a sense, it's more valuable. I appreciate it more easily. It's very easy for me to take things for granted that I experience constantly. Forget how valuable, how important, how special something is just because it's there all the time. So you just assume even subconsciously that it always will be. And then when something happens where it suddenly is gone and maybe it's gone for good it can be devastating as the realization of the reality of the loss of something that maybe just for a moment you think ah I didn't really appreciate this I took it for granted I just assumed because I'd become so comfortable with it that I didn't have to. That complacency is easy. It's easy to become that way. Why shouldn't we just take for granted something that seems to be in our life and just will be in our life. That's why loss can be so devastating. A loved one who suddenly dies is devastating to the one left behind. Devastating and requires a long period of time to recover from. Grief isn't easy to deal with. It's a very powerful human experience and changes us and perhaps that's it's point. That's why we experience it in the grand scheme of things. So have I uncovered what is loneliness? What really is loneliness? And could it help those who feel like they experience it? Were they able to understand if they changed their thought structure, their pattern of thinking that they could transcend it? Or is that same old pattern of needing the thing that they think they need to relieve the loneliness and then accept that it only works temporarily until they find it again in another person in another situation. And if they find enough people and enough situations to fill up the day and fill up the week then they can avoid loneliness but underneath they are still technically lonely. I would prefer not to be lonely than to fill up my life with stuff that stops me noticing it. I think not being lonely is a healthier state than having plenty to do that makes it seem like you've got so much that you can't be lonely and yet actually the main reason for having it is because you are. So maybe I have. Maybe I have understood loneliness in a way that can be shared. Will anyone ever listen to this? Will this investigation have any value to anyone else? Does it matter? No. If it mattered that would be ego. If I now must be heard that would be ego. If it was important that I have a following that would be ego. Maybe if I needed those things I wouldn't be able to say these things anyway because I don't think I can say these things within ego. Although of course the reality is there has to be some ego otherwise I wouldn't be able to communicate at all. I think that structure is what actually is required for communication in this way. But there has to be, it can't be much. It can only be a little bit of it I suppose. I don't know. That's another, that would be another recording. How much ego is required before it's too much. Too much ego, confidence, arrogance. I don't like them. I can struggle when I come across it. Sometimes I hear it come out of Eliza's mouth. There's this need to appear to be or the desire, it's so important for her to be seen as more grown up, more capable than she appears. And as a result it can have the opposite effect by collapsing what had been there previously. But she's not all, she's not functioning in a typical way so that excuses it in a sense. It still feels egotistical, it still sometimes feels narcissistic but that's just how it feels. I don't focus on it like that. I do notice it but I don't focus on it because it wouldn't be fair. She's doing her best and she's lovely underneath. I know, I'm pretty sure that this aspect is what her dad really struggles with and can't relate to. So disconnection occurs and that means that she doesn't feel love from them. If disconnection occurs you don't feel connected. And that creates isolation and loneliness. That's why for me I want to give Eliza a constant secure sense of connection with me. I never make her feel disconnected from me, that's the intention and it never happens. I'm loving her regardless, unconditionally. That's my practice, that's what's going on with her. And it's growing as a result. I feel something is growing and there's no rush for it to be grown up, be revealed. But it indicates a direction as a result. I don't think I've ever said it to, certainly not to Steve because I don't see him very often, but to Kay, that that experience that creates that irritation is disconnection. And Eliza will feel that even if she doesn't consciously understand that she is. And that disconnection affects her, withdraws her, which then further exacerbates it by irritating her parents even more because they can't deal with her, they can't control her, they can't make her do what she now somehow doesn't want to do. And so there's this cycle that can actually lead to anger and aggression in Eliza. She's all in motion and it overwhelms her. And that all comes out of this feeling of not being connected, maybe lonely, a sense of loneliness, no friends, no one you can really be with that you feel close. That's what I'm giving her. That's what I want her to feel from me, that I love her and that she will always be loved by me. Even if I find I have moments of struggle when I notice the narcissistic, egotistical aspects or the strange, diverse thinking, I just try to understand her. I can ask questions that she can now answer more clearly and that makes me feel connected, if there should be any indications of disconnection at the edges, poking its head up. So that I just am with her, I listen to her, I help her, I love her. I am kind to her. I am physical with her. There's lots of touching, there's lots of hugging. But it doesn't have to be. Sometimes, some days when I meet her, none of that occurs. None of that is there. It doesn't matter. But sometimes there's lots of it and we both feel it. And I think that she needs that stability of love. I'm not saying her parents don't love her. I'm not saying that she doesn't feel love towards them. But she will also experience disconnection because of how they are with her. It's a difficult job dealing with her full time. Her dad doesn't have to, her mum does, she gets frazzled. Her dad is impatient because he gets affected by the fact that both of them, underlying it, they don't want to have to be these people. They don't want to have to deal with somebody like this. They want their life to be peaceful and it isn't. And that's quite interesting to me. But they are, neither of them are in a position to really hear anything that might be close to something like this. I could never talk to them, certainly not her dad, because it just wouldn't get through, it would be heard wrong, it would seem wrong, it would challenge. Hey, can be spoken, I can say some things, but again, in order for them to do what they do and deal with it the way they deal with it, there has to be a certain closeness in a sense. Otherwise they just wouldn't be able to do it. I get that. So it's not for me to come along and go, oh, what about this idea and somehow kind of force its way in and open the door and make it more difficult for them. Who's to say that I even see it correctly anyway? Who's to say that I should throw an idea at somebody just because I think they should have it and then watch as it actually makes things harder for them, not easier. It's not opening things up, it's closing things down. And then we don't have a relationship anymore. And that will be very different for me. I suppose, yeah, there is a fear. And also timing, opportunity, very rare. And in that moment, I don't feel criticism. I don't feel like I have any criticism. There is a sense of unconditional love. They're doing their best. I'm there to support them. I'm there to support those who support others. They support Eliza. I support them. Kay spends a great deal of her time supporting Eliza. I do my best to support Kay. Yeah.