Being creative with the facts

The speaker admits to being creative with the facts and lying in certain situations. They talk about their visit to the diabetic nurse and how they downplay their unhealthy eating habits. They also mention taking advantage of a charity's kindness to get more food. The speaker acknowledges feeling guilty when they cross a line, but they still engage in this behavior. They see it as a form of play with their own life. I've always been, or able to have been, creative with the facts. I've always been able to do it, when I was a kid. I didn't want to be in trouble. And yet I did things where I got in trouble. And if I was able to be creative with the facts, to get out of the trouble or not be seen as a person who could do things like that, I would. I felt like I was compelled to do it. It must have been an ego thing, but it was almost like if I didn't do it, then I wouldn't recover. Crazy, really. Anyway, for the majority of time now, it's important to me, and it has been for a long time, to speak the truth. To not be creative with the facts, just to reveal the facts as I know them. But every so often, and in a situation that isn't really important, I find myself doing that, being creative with the facts, because it doesn't matter to me. So today, for example, I had an appointment to see the diabetic nurse. I have type 2 diabetes, and I have for the last 18 years. I take a few pills a day. But basically, I sort of eat whatever I want. I am aware of what I eat. I like to eat healthily, but I also eat whatever I fancy. I don't like to admit it, as if somehow, because I know on some level I'm not doing as good as I could, if I was to admit that I do that, I wouldn't really be able to justify it. And it's easier then if I don't admit it. I don't outright give completely false accounts of what I do, but I do know what I'm doing. I just don't want to have to explain myself. But they're concerned, and they're interested, and if they see that my numbers are going up, which they are, and I admit that, oh, when I fancy some donuts, I'll just have them, or if I want a chocolate bar, I'll just eat it, or a juice, and I have the whole lot at once. I'm not very good at, sort of, especially with donuts, if you've got them, they're fresh, still warm. You eat them all. I don't want them to be slightly stale. But to eat four donuts, they come in bags of four, for a pound, isn't really ideal for a diabetic. And to sort of, to say, oh yeah, that's what I do, would cause someone to, hmm, that I was knowingly doing something that wasn't in my best interest, and that the other person would think less of me. Now, I don't know this other person. In fact, the nurse I saw, I'd never seen her before. She may be the one I see whenever I have a check, once a couple of times a year, but this was the first time I'd seen her today. I talked about not drinking alcohol and drinking water. All of these things are true, and I don't drink tea or coffee, and yet, at the same time, I knew that I was being a little creative with the facts, because I didn't talk about donuts, and basically feeling free to have whatever I like. It's just that generally, I would choose things that are healthier, because I prefer them. I like fruit and dried fruit, and I don't generally eat sweet, sugary stuff, biscuits, but I do from time to time, cake, I do from time to time. I feel like I can have a little bit of everything. It's up to me what I do. I make my choice, and I live with the results. They're there to help and support, and I don't look to them to solve my problems when there are things I could still do, but don't do. Now, I'm not as bad as some who eat a chocolate bar every day and rely on their pills. I would prefer not to have to take pills, and there were several years when I didn't have to. But I get my prescriptions for free, it's very easy to take, and while they don't solve the problem entirely, they help. I recognise that perhaps I have been leaning a little bit towards more sugary diet, so pulling back a bit will naturally happen, because it always does. I can't sustain it, because I don't like the way it makes me feel, even though I have a desire to have certain things, and I go through a period where I'll indulge, and then I'll cut it out entirely. But I don't really want to get into that. I'm just there for a 15 minute thing, just to check on what's going on, and if I have any problems, and I don't have any problems. And if I did have any problems, which could be experienced as neuropathy in the feet, which I've experienced before, I'll know that it will be the result of my diet, and I'll just cut back. I won't go to her and say, all her problems, when I haven't actually done something about it myself, and just expecting them to do something, which is ridiculous. But a lot of people will do that. They won't take responsibility. I take responsibility. It's my choice to do what I do. But at the same time, I don't want to talk about it, because I can't really explain it. I won't be able to justify it, and it will make me feel bad if I admit everything I do. I can't admit everything I do. I'm not even sure I can remember everything I do. But that's just what I do. I am creative with the facts. I went to the Street Food Project. They do a lunch thing now, where you can get a ham and cheese toastie. I go up to them and I say, can I have two ham and cheese toasties, please? And it's okay for me to have two ham and cheese toasties. They're only small, thin things. But the woman I hadn't seen before, different volunteers, said to me, are they both for you? And I said, no. She goes, well, they're really small, actually, so would you like four? I said, yeah, sure. So I've got four ham and cheese toasties to eat, because, of course, they were both for me. The reason I said no was just in case. She turned around and said, oh, sorry, you can only have one. We're only giving people one. So it was a way of saying, well, no, it's for somebody else, and people often pick up things for someone else. But this time she offered me an extra two, so I had four ham and cheese toasties to eat. Needless to say, I was stuffed, but it was nice to have a feast of freshly made proper toasties. But why did I say that? I could have said, oh, yeah, they're for me, and she would have said, okay. And I would have had just the two, which would have been enough. I didn't have to have four. That's quite greedy, but I didn't ask for four. She offered it, so I'll accept what's offered. I usually do. Creative with the fact. So it doesn't hurt anybody. I'm not depriving anybody by getting four given to me. Oh, sorry, we haven't got any left. And somebody who needs something can't get anything. Yeah, that would not be right. But there's plenty. Everybody who wants will get. I'm not depriving anybody of anything. I'm just somehow, spontaneously, there's no thought involved. I just answer, creatively manipulating the moment to get what I think I want. And then in that instance, end up with twice as much as I expected, and then went back to the library, or the council offices, which is where the library is, and sat in the public area and ate them. But I've always been able to do this, like a very fast thinking on my feet, quick response, genuinely, yeah. Are these both for you? No. Absolutely said with sincerity and that's the truth of it, which they believe, why wouldn't they? But it's not true. So being creative with the fact is a euphemism for lying. So it was an outright lie. Those two were for me. And so, kindly, because they are quite, they were using thin bread rather than thicker bread, and sometimes they're really small. Kindly, she thought, well if it's for two people, you should really have two each, so I'll give you four. It's very nice of her. It's a charity. They're volunteers. So I'm kind of taking advantage of their kindness. I can't help it. It seems to be okay. My conscience is all right with it. Even though I know I'm being creative with the facts, I know that this is not true, it seems okay for me to do it. It doesn't hurt anybody. Nobody suffers. Nobody loses. They've got plenty of ingredients to make for however many people might want. And these things will pop up, little examples of these things pop up here and there, where I attempt to get away with something, or get more of something which fuels that creativity. I guess I'm not being very creative outside. I'm not writing. I am talking like these, these things, but is this creative? I'm just speaking the truth. I'm not creative with the facts. When I speak about things here, there's none of that. There's no need for that. It doesn't even occur to me. It wouldn't even be... It just couldn't happen that I would say something here and embellish it or hyperbolize it, knowing it isn't that... I can't do it. But in that moment, how many toasties, what kind of things am I eating to a diabetic nurse, it seems okay, for my own internal reasons. Lying, being creative with the facts, has always been something I've been willing to do. Yes, there have been times in my life when I have crossed a line. And when I've crossed a line, I realize I've crossed a line and I feel bad. I feel like I've crossed a line here. And that's not somewhere I want to be. And I feel bad. I feel guilty. And if I can, I'll do something about it. And if I can't, if I don't feel I can do anything about it, then I'll accept the guilt and I'll live with it until I forgive myself because I realize that I have done something that I regret and I will attempt to not repeat the same mistake and that allows me to forgive myself. But I have to be honest with myself and sincere and there has to be a period of time where I feel bad. If you like, that's like the punishment for it. My conscience reminding me that there is a line and I mustn't cross it. But up to that line, I can be a little bit creative and play. I suppose it's a kind of play with life, with my life. Yes, it happened also before. I went and I ordered one ham and cheese toastie. I think it was one of the first times, if not the first time, maybe the second time. Yeah, second time I'd actually ever been. And there was a guy volunteering. I said, one cheese and ham toastie, please. And he went away and he did it. And when he came out, he had two bags. He says, you did ask for two, didn't you? I said, yes. With no thought, with no... just completely, absolutely as if I had asked for two. He said, oh, I thought so. He gave me the two. I didn't know at that point I could just ask for two. I thought I could only ask for one. I actually would like two because they're quite small. I went, yes. And I went straight into, do you have anything to drink? Any soft drinks? Because they always provide tea or coffee. You help yourself. But sometimes they don't provide anything else. Anything, a soft drink. And he went and had a look. And it just went naturally from, oh, yes, yeah, I did ask for those two. Completely normally, just he was happy because otherwise there was no one else there. Everyone had already been. There would have been one wasted. So I could have said, no, I only asked for one. But I'll take the two. He would have given it as well. But with no thought, just, yes, absolutely clearly that's what I did because in that moment it made sense. Oh, I'll have two. And all of that process goes on so quickly that there's no pause. It's almost as like there is no thought. But there must be something going on that hears what's said, likes what's offered, and can agree to it in a way that absolutely looks normal and natural. Is that a talent? Is that a skill? Does it just come out of practice over my life? I've been in moments where I've done those things and it's worked out for me. I have had moments where I've attempted to be creative with the facts and the other person is not sure. Something is off to them. They must see something in my face or they hear something or my eye. Whatever it is, they doubt. And I notice that doubt and I don't like it. I don't like to be doubted. I want to be trusted to when I say something the other person can accept it as the truth. I'm speaking the truth. 99% of the time that's exactly what I'm doing. But there's this other 1% that can occur and I can't say what will trigger it but it just like recognises an opportunity and all of this happens in a fraction of a second. It recognises the opportunity or the possibility and it is able to go for it in a way that appears natural and normal and honest. So I don't know. I've always been able to do it ever since I can remember, ever since I was a kid. And obviously as I was a kid, younger, I probably wasn't very good at it but I was always able to do it and for the majority of time I got away with it. When I didn't get away with it, I didn't like it. And it was that which maybe urged me to do it better next time. It didn't urge me not to do it at all. It didn't tell me, OK, I can't do this. Just stop being creative with the facts. Just tell the truth. And for the most part that is what I do because I don't want to lie. I don't like lying. Lying means you have to remember that you lied and what lie you told and to whom. Whereas if you just tell the truth then you don't have to remember. You can just be spontaneous with it. And that's how I want to be. And yet, I can't help doing those things. It just happens. It's like I don't have control of it because the response is instantaneous. So there is no time for me to be aware that no, that's not what I want to do. I prefer to speak the truth. I prefer to just tell the truth and deal with the consequences. Whatever happens is the result of the truth. The truth will make you free. I know that to be true. And yet I still can be creative with the facts. How do I decide that that moment is something I can be creative with but every other moment isn't? What part of me is knowing this? It's quite interesting. So I was thinking about this. It just occurred to me that I do this. So it reveals an aspect of my character. And I'm not saying that I'm unique. I'm sure many people, many people lie. And they lie about things that are ridiculous. And they lie about things that get found out and then that makes them untrustworthy and somebody that you just have to avoid. If you're going to lie, you've got to be very good at it. You've got to be creative with the facts in a way that incorporates the truth. The best lies have truth in them. But for me, my conscience won't let me do something that would knowingly hurt another person, knowingly cause another person to suffer so that I might gain. That's absolutely not something I could do. Now there are many people who can do that. They don't care. Once they've crossed the line enough times then it's almost like the line shifts to a point where the rules are no longer relevant. The conscience somehow doesn't function. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But all I know is that I would feel terrible were I able to do something that I then discover caused somebody to be suffering because I can't do that. But to get an extra toastie or to end up with, you know, something that's very trivial seems to be okay. Like there's a part of me that needs to express this, to be this, that is this but can only do it in very, very small ways. It did experience for a while a bigger experience of that, 30 odd years ago especially, to experience that the world could become an actual criminal involved a lot of deceiving and lying and manipulating. It still had the core fundamental conscience of not hurting anyone else but a company seemed to be within that boundary so that was okay. Yet again it's like a very gray area. You can then slowly shift more into full-on committed career as a criminal and then slowly you have to erode the humanity, the conscience so that you're not affected by it. Maybe those who can do those things aren't affected by it, were never affected by it, I don't know. But I suspect that you can slide down the slope if you go down there enough. I didn't want to. I feel I fundamentally connect with people and while it's okay, other people are also out for themselves in certain situations. I can only do it as long as I'm not affecting anyone else knowingly. There may be instances where I've done things and affected other people unknowingly. I still have to take responsibility for that but that's different if I'm not aware of what I've done. I don't carry guilt about it and it's that feeling of guilt I don't want. It's not nice. But if I've done something that has pulled it up I have to accept it and accept the feeling I don't like which is teaching me something which is showing me something about myself. Yeah, I'd like to think I was 100% honest and I'm sure there are people who are 100% honest. They just are honest. They've always been honest. Perhaps they were brought up really well by honest people. I don't know. I'd like to think that there are but then it's so easy to just be creative with the fact that most people tell a white lie at least every now and again even if they're doing it for what they think are good reasons. Do I look fat in this dress? No, you look lovely when actually you look a bit fat. But you don't say the truth because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings and it would make you feel bad to know you did. So you lie a little bit. Everybody does it. Oh, that looks lovely on you. You want to pay a compliment but maybe it's not actually what you think. If we actually look at ourselves really honestly we maybe can see we do those things and don't even notice that actually we are being creative with the facts. I have come across people who seem so sincerely integral in their honesty but it's very rare and that might just be the perception I get. It might not be the truth. Obviously I'm not around them 24-7. I'm just being honest in that I know that I can be creative with the facts. It must seem to benefit me. I must benefit from it. I suppose it can be on someone else's behalf but it's usually about me. Is it a selfish thing? A greedy thing? A playful thing? All of the above? Yeah, I'm not sure. But I know that it happens less and less but it still happens. I still want to push the boundaries of what is perceived to be the truth of me. To not hide certainly not embellish or exaggerate. I don't ever tell people I am more than I am. But I do sometimes go the other way. I kind of give the impression that I'm less than I am. It's very hard for me sometimes to actually reveal who I am in that moment. What do you do? It's not a question I get asked often but what do you do? I don't know how to answer a question like that. What do I do? How do you answer that? I'm not normal. Most people would say they work at this and you know I don't. So I don't know how to answer it properly. It's not a question I'm ever comfortable with. Unfortunately it doesn't happen very often. But in those moments it is possible I might be creative with the facts a little. I might just... I think I've answered questions like that in the past by saying I'm a writer. That hasn't worked for me because usually someone will say oh what do you write? I don't know how to answer that either. I am a writer or at least I have been a writer but I don't know how to answer what do I write. So I have to be careful with what I say to questions like that. I could be flippant in what do you do? I do as little as possible. I do whatever I like. I can say things like that. I have tried those kind of answers. I don't like them very much. I'm not very comfortable with them. It feels like I'm avoiding and evading and I'd like to be honest. I'd like to be open. What do you do? So depending on who's asking and how I'm feeling I might have a go. I live in a van. What do I do? I go to the library. I download things. I make recordings. I share them sometimes. I try to live off grid. I keep myself away from the world for the most part. That would be what do I do. But I have to feel like I've got that as an answer in that moment in that moment which I might not have. It might not be there because that moment could create a kind of stress and in that stress moment I don't know what to say. And yet I feel like I should have an answer. Would like an answer. Otherwise what I'm saying to the person is I don't care about you enough to give you the answer and you'll think that's what I'm doing. You won't understand that it's not easy for me to answer and that you won't ask me questions about me. You won't be interested in me after that and in a sense that's kind of a missed opportunity because I don't get much opportunity to talk about myself to others in the present in real time. Obviously I get a lot of opportunity to talk about myself in these recordings and that seems to be perhaps enough because I do get to talk about myself and in a way that I feel best reflects me honestly. It doesn't seem to really work in the real world so I don't try to do it. I'm happy to sort of be not exactly anonymous but not noticeable. I keep my head down I just do what I do and for the most part the few people that come across me have no idea who I am and that seems to be better. It's not that I want to hide it's not that I've got anything to hide it's just easier if I don't get involved but that's that probably comes out of a load of other issues that I don't need to go into in this recording.