Coming from fear

The speaker reflects on the idea that they come from fear and everything they do is to deal with it. They discuss their fear of losing support and the struggle of living in a world that doesn't make sense. They talk about their fear intensifying after losing certain aspects of their life, but finding ways to mitigate it. They mention living in the present and accepting their fears, such as losing their parking space or being around other people. The speaker also touches on their belief in something beyond death and their realization that they are not the same person they used to be. They reflect on moments of fear and loss throughout their life. I was just watching a drama. One of the characters turns around and says in answer to a question I, where do you come from? He says I come from fear and everything I've done has been to deal with that. And it suddenly occurred to me that that might apply to me too. I've come from fear. I think you can relate to this. The feeling of losing the one support that, the thing that you needed and nothing else was necessary and once it went you've sort of been dealing with the fear of what comes next, of living in a world that doesn't really make sense and most of which you're not interested in. I think I've been doing the same thing. Certainly over the last several years coming from fear and doing my best to deal with it but the reality being going from one fear to the next fear, trying to find a way not to feel fear but actually never really succeeding. There was a time in my life when I felt like I didn't feel fear, when I was able to trust and have faith and surrender and felt connected to something that was bigger than me, something I might have called God without trying to cover it in some belief structure or system or faith. I seem to make more sense with that in my life and feeling its presence but I still think there was some element of fear there too. It was just not so noticeable and life seemed to support me in a way that allowed me to go through it without feeling that fear. Not knowing what was going to happen but being okay that whatever did would be the right thing and in not suffering or not struggling as a result seemed to confirm that there was nothing to be afraid of. But I suppose for the last ten years very particularly but maybe years before that I always kind of lived in fear. I was with someone that I didn't really get on with but yet couldn't leave and wanted so much to remain in a family and raising a daughter. I never imagined that at some point when she was grown up she wouldn't want anything to do with me, that that part of my life would disappear as if it never happened. There was elements of fear all the time that I would lose it and I suppose I must have known that what I was doing and how I was being would eventually cause that and yet at the same time did everything I could for that not to happen. Since that took place the feeling of fear became very noticeable. It fluctuates up and down and for a while it ramped right up but then it calmed right down and I found a way again to accept and allow and surrender. But at any moment when I couldn't no longer park my van where I wanted to suddenly the fear is at that great height again and I suddenly can't cope with the idea of having to do things in the world that I'm not equipped for, that I need to find somewhere I can just be so that I don't have to try to deal with that. The first van was a very different experience to this one where I don't move it unless I absolutely have to and only for the amount of time I have to and then I'll put it back and once I get it back where I want it that feeling of being affected by the world diminishes. I don't have to deal with the fear. I'm not avoiding it or hiding from it. I'm mitigating it, mollifying it, focusing on what I can do, what works and not focusing on what doesn't work, what I can't do as if somehow I have to fix it. I don't think I can fix it. If it is fixable it will have to fix itself as a result of what I do and how I am and if it doesn't then it isn't going to or at least it isn't, it hasn't so far. I can go days where I don't experience that sensation but then at any moment something can arise unexpected that reminds me that I'm only a small, a small step away from it, that it's always there but somehow I am able to create a space around myself, a feeling, a protection mechanism perhaps where it isn't in my face and it can seem as if it doesn't exist, that there isn't fear, that I'm not struggling but every so often I'm reminded that it's still there and I have to be careful and perhaps that's why I've made the choices I've made and have simplified and I'm living the life I am and perhaps the same can be said for you. You're doing, you've done the best that you felt you could. Circumstances provided you with a means to be in one place stable without feeling like at any moment you could lose that and yet and also actually even though the price for it hasn't been easy, some future idea that it could change tremendously in your favour certainly financially, that would almost be like payment for having endured the experience but nothing takes away that feeling of not knowing how you'll do things or what will occur and even just talking about the fear of death, of what comes, of what might be beyond it and that being quite a real thing for you. I suppose that's different in many ways for me because I don't have a fear of death, only perhaps of the dying process but then that's, that's, many people have that but I don't think I'm afraid of it although I realised a while back that I couldn't choose to take it, to end it. I don't have a fear of it. I'm of the feeling that there is, there has to be more. It would be ridiculously silly if there wasn't just because of the experiences I've had and and the experiences others have had and and talked about but if there wasn't, for example, if all of that was just an illusion then there would be nothing there to know that in which case what difference does it make and whatever there might be, whatever the experience is, it will all make sense at the time in its own timing so I don't have to think about it. I don't have to care about it. I just know that I won't go on forever and at any moment everything can change. I'm not afraid of that change but yet it could at any moment and will at some moment do so and I have to be in a state that is, that can accept it to deal with it best. That's how I see it. In the meantime I just live in the present day by day by day and get on with it as if this is how it will always be. But there is fear. Fear of things that I ought not to be afraid of. Fear of losing my parking space. It is somehow that's a terrible thing. Fear of being around other people, too many, not comfortable. Fear of avoiding certain situations which I've sort of always done and just accept that that's what I'll do instead of seeing them as a problem that needs to be overcome. I just accept that's what I'm like and I'm not then in conflict with myself as to judging that I shouldn't be. For the most part I feel okay in myself but I recognize that it wouldn't take much to cause that anxiety, fear, fight or flight response type reaction. It's not far, it's never far and I suppose I have just learned to do things in a way that allows for the most part me not to have to deal with that. If I make the right choices, if I don't make silly choices, if I don't make certain mistakes or take part in certain activities, it's unlikely or less likely that I'll have to experience those things again and I realized that unlike 35 years ago when I was prepared to go through the legal system, the criminal justice system, not arrogantly but in some way with a sense of knowing that no matter what happened it would be okay and it was. I am not, I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I am not him. This Simon couldn't have done what that Simon that did. So either there's been a deterioration or perhaps a releasing of some ego structure that seemed capable of dealing with it in a confident almost arrogant way perhaps but he can't do that. I can't do that anymore. I'm simple, so much so simple, much simpler and not masking so I don't need to be involved in situations where previously I felt I wanted to be but would have to mask in order to cope with them. Yeah we're at my house. So that character's words just triggered that idea in me that in fact I can recognize that that is also me and it may be many people are like that but few would actually recognize it or look at it in this way that their actions that I come from fear, fear of loss. The earliest memory I have of the fear of loss was when I was very very young and had been taken on a family holiday to Italy and we were in Saint Mark's Square in Venice and it was full of people, absolutely full of people and I was at the height of most people's knees or just above and suddenly I looked around and my parents were gone. I didn't know where they were and the feeling of fear of sheer terror at being lost in a strange place with no way to reach them, no way to ask for help, strange place, different language, completely isolated and cut off was almost overwhelming. They found me quite quickly and that feeling left me immediately. The safety had returned. It may be something like the feeling you had with your mum, that feeling of safety and you lived with that and it was a good, it was good for you and suddenly I realized what I had when I'd lost it for a couple of minutes but it those couple of minutes were an eternity of terror and I was very very young having that experience. I'm not saying that that caused anything or affected me but maybe it did but there have been a number of moments in my life where I have felt the loss of something that I didn't want to lose. Not the death of somebody but just the loss of them, the ending of it and I might have even had thoughts for ages of this doesn't work, this should stop, I don't want this and yet when that situation comes to be I can't cope with it. I'll do anything to keep it even though on some level I'm absolutely certain that ending is what it needs to do but I'll do anything to stop that from happening just because the feeling of what remains seems to be something I can't cope with so I'll keep it like if you could have done anything to keep your mum in your life for her not to go for her to still be your mum physically I'm sure you would have. Now I didn't have that kind of relationship with mine when my mum went I was I was relieved that she'd gone I was quite glad that that it was finally over and eventually I knew I'd be able to get on with my life even though a lot of fear then came up as a result the fear of having to leave the fear of what would come next the fear of where I would live there's so much fear the fear of even getting a van was I doing the right thing was this the right van what should I spend on it should I spend all of it should I spend little of it so much fear it was almost there were times when it was almost impossible to function and all I could do was be wherever I was that's why it was so hard to leave the hostel and it was also hard to leave the room even though both of those things were so difficult for me to deal with far harder than dealing with me me in the van this is about as right for me hard as it can be and strange as it has been as anything I could imagine doing so it makes sense that I'm doing it but that the fear still remains even though for the most part I don't feel that fear day on a daily basis it's still there and can pop up at any moment unexpectedly for any reason and I have to face it again so I haven't I haven't resolved I haven't transcended I haven't found a way out and maybe some of it is because I'm alone I have to do this myself you know and in a sense so are you all right you've got Frank but you haven't really got Frank you are alone and without the one support that you felt so gave you what you needed you you've been alone for several years and having to deal with what that feels like even though you're not physically alone and you're living with someone who essentially supports you but it isn't that different I don't think I think there's a lot of similarity there um I still feel that when he goes there may be some turbulence of course but eventually quite soon you will find yourself feeling like you're in control and you can make those choices you need to make you'll know what those choices are and you'll make the ones you know you need and it will all work out but you can't see that because it's not happening right now I've made choices I realized I can't rely on anybody I don't have anybody to support me to to buoy me up for me to um bounce off off to feel connected to that was the one thing with my ex even though I knew it wasn't right having her be who she was when I was a stranger in a strange land and needed that sort of support it gave me something that allowed me to have moments of absolute peaceful bliss but the price of that peaceful bliss was conflict and heartache but I still experienced that peaceful bliss which I I think was something I absolutely needed but I don't rely on someone else to give me that to help me with that anymore I have to find it within me um I also have to do it without chemical plant-based assistance assistance I don't take drink drugs I'm attempting to be myself whatever that means um but there is still fear there is still fear and that might always be there I can't assume it wouldn't I just have to accept that if I am afraid that I must face it not avoid it I might not be able to deal with it I certainly don't want to run from it but at the same time it isn't easy fear is not an easy thing to deal with fortunately I seem to have found a way that I don't have to feel it very often um and I would prefer and I have the simplicity of a life where I don't have to interact with people in the way that produce it more than I would want to just because I have this urge to have more of something but I can't avoid it entirely and perhaps I'm not supposed to perhaps that's just the way it is um but yeah interesting and it triggered me and I could have continued to watch the drama it was only there was another 20 minutes of it but I figured I should stop it and go with the flow of the momentum of the feeling and get something out see what came out when I tried and I think that that's good rather than feel like I'll do it later no I have to do it now I can go back to the drama it's only a drama it doesn't mean anything um um yeah so uh be interested to hear any reaction response to this how how what I've said may have triggered anything in you anything that is relatable and you often come back with something that I didn't see a different perspective a slightly different version variation that's great you've done that a few times recently and um I'm really glad it gives me an opportunity to see things from a perspective I wouldn't otherwise get to if it's just me it might feel great I really can see things are making sense to myself but it's there's just me here there's no other voice there's no other life there's nothing else and that that's really helpful to me yeah so I'll um I'll end there I think I've covered everything and uh we'll see what happens