Experiences with Somebody Else

The speaker enjoys doing things and having experiences with others rather than alone. They value the simplicity of not needing to do things, but also appreciate the enjoyment of sharing experiences with someone they love. They miss having a friend or partner to do things with and cherish the moments they have with their friend Kay and Kay's daughter Eliza. They don't actively pursue more, but instead accept and appreciate the moments they have. The speaker reflects on past relationships and the importance of connection over physical intimacy. They are slowly getting to know Eliza and enjoy being present in her world. The speaker recognizes the uniqueness and specialness of their relationship with Eliza and is content with whatever happens. They see the value in accepting and appreciating what they have rather than constantly seeking more. See, I do like doing things, I still like having experiences, but only with somebody else. Not on my own. I've had loads of experiences on my own, and it's not that I am missing... No, that's not what I want to say. It's not that I feel a lack of experiences, I've had loads. I actually really like the simplicity of not having to do things, not needing to do things. And yet, the moment I have the opportunity to do something with somebody else, who I like to be around, it doesn't matter what it is, really, the enjoyment comes from sharing the experience with the other person that I love. That I would like to have again. A friend, a best friend, a partner, someone that I just do things with, that when there are things to be done, we do it together. That I look to her, she looks to me, and we enjoy each other's company. We don't have to do everything together, of course, but we could do anything together. We could experience anything, just because we like experiencing things together. I miss that. I've had it, I've had moments of it, in all of my relationships and friendships. Little moments here and there. I suppose I, until it collapsed, I experienced a lot of that with my last relationship. There was a longer period of time of playing together, enjoying each other's company, happy to do everything, anything, than anyone previously, until it collapsed, until it fell apart, until it was no longer something I could do. I couldn't be him anymore. I couldn't see her as my friend anymore. But I do miss it. I even experience moments of it with Eliza. She's the one that I play with, I spend time with. But I don't yet, I haven't attempted to bring her, have her be in my world. I only come into her world, which is actually not really her world at all. It's her mum's world and her mum's idea of her world. It's a combination of the two. They are together. She needs her mum and her mum has her daughter always with her. She always has a companion. She always has someone she's looking after. She can be stressed out over it, but at the same time she gets to do things she wouldn't otherwise do. Just because these are things that she's thinking Eliza can do. And then I come in, peripherally, sometimes to sit with her and be with her, other times just because I'm having a shower there and I interact with both of them. And I always love it. They are like my family. I don't see them all the time, but I see them regularly. Which I suppose is typical of how you see your family. You don't see them all the time, but you see them regularly, if you're close to them I mean. Friends or family, the people that you love in your life, you see them regularly because you love them. And you like spending time with them. And they like spending time with you. But I don't attempt to, I don't try to have more. I've made the mistake in the past, and I'm not saying it is always a mistake or would have to be a mistake, but I've made the mistake in the past to see something I like and immediately try to have more. Try to make it possible to have more, think about having more, even at the expense of having it now, when it exists. Trying to arrange for a future where it exists again. And it sort of reminds me, symbolically, of going to a concert. And instead of listening and watching and being present with the experience, I've got my phone up and I'm recording it, so that I'm experiencing it in the present, when it's happening, over a tiny screen, so that I'll be able to experience it again in the future, and have a record of it, even though I'll never be able to recapture what could happen in the present, if I put my phone away. It's like that. So, I stop, I'm not doing that, I don't do that. Instead of creating a kind of attempt, anxiety, to have more, to not lose the opportunity, I just accept what I have. I just accept that this moment gives this. Even if someone says, oh, I'll, we'll do that, I'll bring that, I'll let you know, I'll share... I don't, it's not that I don't believe them, they mean it, but that doesn't mean that it is going to happen. Other things come into play, forget, it doesn't seem important anymore. And I don't say, oh, that thing, have you got that thing, have you sent me that thing? I don't chase it up, I just let it be. I don't, it doesn't matter whether I get it or not. It doesn't matter whether I have it or not. So that if I do get it, if I do have it, if it does happen, if something unexpected, nice, comes out of what takes place, it feels lovely. It's like, I love this, this is, this is really nice, because I haven't tried to make it happen. I haven't imagined what this moment could be. I'm only open to whatever it turns out to be. Opportunity to do this, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. Yeah, let's go. Sure, I'd like that. Would you like some of this? Yeah, I'll try it. Open to whatever they feel they'd like to include me in, because there's something lovely about others including me, rather than me saying, can I come? Putting myself in a situation where it's like, well, you know, we have to include Simon because he's here as well. It's a feeling that I don't have often. People wanting to include me in something, but I get that, I have that with Kay. She gives me experiences of making me feel like I'm included, that I'm a part of this. And in a little way, in her small way, Eliza does sometimes. She's also revealing that she likes, she would have me, and today, after my shower, you know, Eliza is sitting on the stairs, playing a game on her iPad, and I just go up the stairs, and I just look. I just look, I just watch. Watch what she's doing, watch what it is. And at some point, I might say, oh, you have to put that, you have to get, she moves the iPad, she changes its angle so that it's easier for me to reach it, and I have a go. I swipe the thing, and I swipe the thing, and I move it, and I get the thing, I get the point, I'm picking it up. I'm with her. I'm not acting like her playing the game is somehow wrong or bad, or there's nothing good about it. I actually come to her instead of, never mind the game, let's do this, let's go. I come to her, and it's, there's a very, it was a nice feeling for me to be present with her in her world, and it feels normal to me, and she seems normal to me. Her mum doesn't see her like I see her, and there are times when it is so obvious that there is a kind of discrepancy, dissonance even, in the experience her mum has of, because of how she sees Eliza, and how I see her, which is different. I can't bridge the gap, really. I just, I just can connect with Eliza differently, but I can't help her mum see her the way I do. I just, I don't think she could, and I don't try to, maybe here and there, just in observation. But generally, I only connect with Eliza when we're alone, just the two of us, and I've realised that I can do that, and it's a practice, and I only get a small opportunity each week, it's a practice to know her. It's almost like, because I've never experienced this, but like a courting in the old days. You would be introduced to somebody, and you would spend time with them, and get to know them, and slowly, slowly, it might be to see if there is something compatible there. But I've never done that. I've always discovered, or realised, or felt what seems compatible very quickly, and gone for it, straight away, just accepted, this works, I'm in, let's go. Only to discover, not too long in the future, that actually it doesn't. That really, I should have, there should have been much more time involved in discovery. And because there would have been more time, it would have become obvious, before the idea of becoming physically involved. Making it physical, it always happened really quickly, the one exception was my second girlfriend, when I was 18 or 19, and she kept me waiting for six months, before anything physical happened between us. Now I was 18, 19, 20, my hormones are raging, my desire is strong, but I accepted that's what she needed. So, what I experienced was a kind of transformation of sexual energy into just wanting to be with her at any opportunity, just feeling really connected, really loving, really a part of her world, to the point where I would be a part of her world, go to church with her sometimes, just be around this person who I knew, I guess, that at some point, this wonderful sexual, physical thing would take place, as if we would be getting married. Now, obviously, we didn't get married, we just became a couple who were now physical with each other. And it was wonderful, it was lovely, she was really interesting, she was a bit kinky as well. The only sort of person I've ever been with whose slight, subtle kinkiness was a real turn on, it was lovely to do, you know, put yogurt on this and lick it, you know, she had ideas and I would play with her, I liked it, no one else has had those kind of things. All the others, to some degree or another, have had hang-ups, either as a result of trauma or abuse or just religious, whatever, hang-ups about sex. So there was no freedom to do that. That's what she was like, but I had to wait six months for that, but yet, even then, it didn't take long, once that had occurred, for the issues to set in. Sex became too important, I wanted it too much, she started to control it, because she'd controlled it all along, and that just didn't work. I needed freedom, I needed freedom of expression. And I found that later in other partners, where I was free to be with them whenever I wanted to have whatever I wanted, when I wanted, to not be denied, to not be told no. I've experienced that, and that's great, but it also doesn't work either. It goes the other way, it becomes a corrupting thing, where I gain power and then it becomes a slightly corrupted, abusive thing that isn't loving, that isn't connecting. So it could be, in the experiences I've had where nothing physical is taking place, that they are the best, they're the most loving, the most connecting, and now, in this time of my life, generally, not always, but generally, there's no underlying urge or need for it. I mean, it could be interesting to experience it, but it's not like it was where I was actively wanting that to take place and would do what I needed to do, or what I thought I needed to do, to get that to happen. I've had some of those thoughts, but on the whole, it actually feels so much nicer when that's not on the table, it's not part of the agenda, it's not needed even, that it's more about a purity than it is about anything base. That's not to say that there couldn't be something lovely, people have said to me and explained to me how, in their experience, there is something lovely about it when there's nothing that is interfering with it, but for me, there has been things that have interfered with it to mess with the relationship itself. But the relationship, the connection, should be the thing that's most important, more important, and that it has to take precedence over anything else that can come from it. And if those things could create negative aspects, then those things can't come from it. It's as simple as that. So, it's strange because I actually feel like as I get to know Eliza's strangeness, but also get to know her in a way that makes sense to me, because there's plenty of time when that seems clear, the more I do, the more I enjoy being around her, without having some sort of insistence of there should be more, I need to be doing more, it needs to happen like this, this should happen, that could happen. It feels nicer if I don't do that, if I don't come up with those ideas, so that it could be that if I'm not suitable, then I'm nothing, it won't happen, that I have to be vibrationally compatible, I have to get her, I have to feel her, I guess, for there to be any real reason for us to be in each other's life, other than as just a kind of temporary carer, part-time temporary carer. Right now, she's only 19, we don't know how things will take place, so this is a kind of long-term, without specific, this should happen at this point, and if this hasn't happened by this point, then it doesn't mean anything, without having any of those thoughts, a long-term, slow, getting to know somebody that I don't really do. I suppose the last person I did that with was my own daughter, my own daughter, but I was with her from when she was very, very young, of course, and all the way up to when it was no longer possible for me to be in her life. This, sort of like, all the difficulty of dealing with what Eliza deals with, her mum has the responsibility for, and to some degree her dad, but I just get to be kind of with her in a way that is unique, without the responsibility, without all the things that would actually interfere with the specialness that can come, the feeling of, there's something special here, I don't exactly know what that means, or exactly what it is, but there are moments of something new that I like, but their lives are so structured and busy, and their mum's planning this for her, and they go, so that I can't be involved in it, other than what I am, and that's all that I'm supposed to be. I can't want more, I can't make more happen, but I can accept more, and I can be happy to have whatever happens. I've had moments where, coincidentally or not, spontaneously finding them walking, and we walk with each other for a while, might join them, and get invited to come back or to have chips or something, that's happened a few times, but time is spent. Eliza might not be particularly responsive, but I'm having a conversation with Kay, and it's very nice. She's been with Eliza and not much else, so it's nice for her to have just some conversation that isn't about dealing with somebody that she can often find incredibly challenging. So, I see how there's something wonderful going on here, but it's only happening in its own time, slowly, slowly, as time moves on, and I feel like time seems to be moving really quickly, it's very interesting, and yet I remain in my solitude. I suppose I'm learning something about myself, or I'm changing, or there's a transformation, or there's a just a... whatever. And I don't really want... I don't think about it that way, because I don't need to. I don't need to define it, I don't have to understand it. I just can see that there's something there, and I like it. So, I'm happy that it's happening, and may it continue.