Doing time...again

The speaker reflects on the concept of "doing time," which they describe as filling their time with simple, low-cost activities that they choose to do. They value the freedom to do time their own way, but also acknowledge that having unlimited resources can provide a different kind of freedom. They discuss the importance of solitude and the struggle to find experiences with others that are truly fulfilling and different from past experiences. They express a desire for companionship but also recognize the challenges and complexities that can come with it. Ultimately, they emphasize the importance of making choices that allow them to do time well and avoid situations that don't work for them. They conclude by acknowledging that everything is subject to change and that talking about their feelings and experiences helps them process and let go of any unresolved emotions. I'm doing time. I've talked about this before or in part I have mentioned it. I feel like I'm doing time. I mean I suppose you could say that everyone is doing time and we fill our time with things that we have to do, need to do, want to do. But everything we do requires time. So we're all doing time. That's not quite what I mean. I have a lot of time in which I can fill or need to fill with mostly things I choose to do. I don't have a big cabinet full of desires and I can only choose to do all kinds of weird and wacky things. No. They are mostly very simple things that I choose to do. Things that I can do. Things that I'm able to do that are simple, easy. That don't cost money or very little. And for the most part I'm okay with that. In many ways that's what freedom for me is all about. I'm free to do time my way. While there will be some time when I have to do things that I wouldn't actually choose to do, primarily to do with the van and its upkeep and so on, it's necessary so I accept that and it's over relatively quickly and then there's a long period of time before I have to do anything but choose what it is I do. There's freedom in that. Levels of freedom I'm sure out there could be people would be freer in more ways. With unlimited resources money provides a kind of freedom. A freedom from stress and worry about bills and so on. So there's freedom in that. But if you have a large amount of money you generally have a different kind of lifestyle. Buildings, houses, properties, cars, expensive toys are the things that people tend to go for when they have lots of money. What's the point of having lots of money if you don't spend it on things that cost lots of money? I'm not like that. It doesn't really matter how much I have. I still want to do it simply. So why am I talking about doing time? Because there is time. There are times when having made choices I realise I'm only making those choices because I have time. Some things are more rewarding than others. I don't see a lot of people, spend time with people but when I do it can be very rewarding. It makes me feel connected and I get to talk about things or listen to other people talk. I feel I'm a part of something. I like that. And then when it's over I go back to my simple ways which can sometimes take me a little while to come back down again because I'm sort of high from it. I don't think I could continue doing it for too long or maybe I would just need to do it for longer in order to get used to it so that I would be able to continue doing it for longer. I don't know. Right now it seems like doing time is best done like alone in a solitary situation where I get to obviously as I said do things that I want to do but also think, feel, wonder. I tend not to act on those things, those thoughts very often. I just find it interesting to imagine, to wonder what could happen, to consider possibilities and then just let go and come back into what I actually am experiencing in this moment and feel, do things, watch something, read something. That I do. It may be just basic van things. Topping up water, giving the outsider clean, charging up this or that if the sun is out. You know certain things, I have certain habits and routines and I'm in control of my little space and have it how I want it and I don't have to consider anybody else or take anyone else into account. No one else is affected by what I do. I have it just how I want it. And having spent a lot of time in a different kind of situation where compromise is necessary, adjustment, allowing others to have it their way, attempting to sort of accept all that and harmonise and compromise. It can be done, of course it can be done and is necessary in order to facilitate those experiences to make them work. But in my experience what happens over enough time is that I begin to feel like I just need to be doing it myself again. That as much as I might love the experience of being with another, eventually I much prefer to be just by myself. But in being by myself a lot, there is a lot of time I have to do alone. Yes I can make recordings, write, fill time, I've got no problem with filling time. Even occasionally wasting time doing something that's meaningless but just I enjoy for a bit, playing a game. I don't play games very often. I went through a period of about a week where I played a thing on my phone which I realised was quite addictive and had just deleted it because I didn't want to do that or have that. I wanted to see if I could just experience being different for a while, doing something else, noticing how it affects my brain and then just deleting it because that's not good for me. And I'm happy to just read or watch something I enjoy. It's hard to find the really good things I enjoy because I consume them when I find them quite quickly. I have a nice area to walk around in but that's weather dependent in many ways and I also find that I get bored. I like to have a destination, I like to have a reason to walk. If I don't I might not do it so much. But I am doing time. I am free. And yet something is missing. It seems like something is missing. I've talked about this before. It could be a person, it could be a community, it's likely not to be because a community is made up of different individuals and I am really only good at being one on one. I'm not very good at being in a group. Not very good at. I can be of a few people. I'm in a meditation group and after the meditation we generally sit downstairs, people have tea and there's some chat and I usually sit there. And there may be five or six people and it's okay. I may even say a few things. I feel like I'm a part of it, I belong there. I don't feel like I'm an outsider. But it's still a bit strange for me. It depends on who's there and if certain people aren't there I probably won't stay. So I suppose I'm saying it is about the person. About failing, not being around the right person, I choose solitude rather than second best. It's about somebody else compromising. Well it has to be somebody, if it's not her then it should be her. If it's not him then it should be them. No, I've done that and it hasn't got me anywhere at all. In fact it's created complications that stop me from doing time well. And doing time well is important. Not just doing time but doing it well. There should be some kind of discipline, some kind of understanding and presence. Acceptance. I might have thoughts about how I would like to see somebody or do something with them. That I'm okay accepting that that doesn't have to happen, it may not actually even be possible. And I don't generally have thoughts like that. If I do I just let go of them. Because it's too complicated. I was talking about this with my therapist today. What does it mean when I experience things as too complicated? That I suppose it is creating challenges and tests. Which have been good for me, necessary for growth, for learning, to understand myself. But having gone through them enough times, if you take a test enough times, you should be able to pass or at least be proficient enough not to need to take the test again. Not to need to be tested for the same thing that you've already done and understood. I realise that while there is much, it is interesting to do anything new. To do something new with someone new. The freshness etc. The attraction, the fun. It's great. But it doesn't last long. It becomes normal quickly, usual quickly. I get used to it. It's familiar. But what am I supposed to do then? Thank you, bye bye. I've always believed that one should accept the difficulty in a situation. Not just only want the sort of light, fun and then run away, let go. The real learning in many ways comes from the struggle. And it's not easy, otherwise it wouldn't have any value. But having had enough struggle, it's possible to realise that there will always be that kind of struggle. And if I've understood that I recognise why and that there's a learning and evolving from it, I don't have to have the experience that produces the struggle because I won't learn more from it. It will only reinforce what I've already learned. But that, if I've already learned it, I don't need to go through it again. How do I define, how do I determine, how do I recognise an experience with somebody new that is going to give me a different experience rather than just a different version of the same experience? Because that seems to be my experience. Each time I've found somebody new to experience things with, it quickly turns into the same experience just in a different set of circumstances. And I realise I don't want this. I don't want to live like this. I can't do my time like this. In fact it interferes with me doing time so that I actually feel unable to do the time I would want in the way I would want. And I get a strong desire to not be in this situation which might now be quite difficult to extricate myself from, or I find it difficult to do that because I am very involved. I've given up, changed, let go of, things that make the commitment of being in this situation more important to continue doing it than just give up because I'm not enjoying it like I thought I would be or want to be. Then I try to compensate, find other ways to do things which may work for a while but then ultimately won't work because they are merely attempts to continue something that no longer works. And I've been guilty of keeping things going far longer than I should and then suffering accordingly. So again it makes me feel like, OK, then be in solitude. Don't have to do that. And I am. And it works. And yet, just like most things for me, if I am without them for a long period of time, then the idea of having them again starts to seem fresher and I become more susceptible to, open to, a possibility of just something that is different from what I've been experiencing in this solitude. That is a kind of test which can certainly result in, and did the last few times I found myself there, quickly making me realise that that feeling of wanting something or being open to something that seemed fresh because I hadn't experienced it for some time was just that. And if I'm aware of that, then I can avoid the temptation to experience it as if it's going to be different now. The idea that it's going to be different now is a kind of delusion, just coming out of the idea of something different. And there's nothing wrong with having an experience of something similar to what was had before but slightly different just because a long period of time has gone by, and also not expecting it to go further, to last at all. That would be new for me, to not expect it to go further or last, and be able to let go if that is what is needed, or even accept the first moments of the signs of ending and just walk away. In a nice way, but walk away. Take control of my life positively, give up what may still be good in many ways but just showing the signs of decay, the slow descent into separation, and just cut out that. I haven't got time to mess around with simply accepting something that doesn't work because the alternative is something I want to avoid, being alone. Being alone is actually very liberating, it's very good. But it's hard if I am feeling lonely, and when I was in the first van I experienced feelings of being lonely a lot. At this time I don't experience being lonely, I experience being alone, I experience doing my own thing, filling time in my own way with the possibility of spontaneous action, coming out of a creative idea, and just exploring it, just to see. I like that, I like being in a position to be able to do that, to not have people tell me what I should do, and when I should do it, and how it should be done. There's freedom, I'm describing freedom, but there's still something missing, there's still something I don't have in my life that if I were to have it, would give me something that I must still need. I think it's based on relationship, I think it's based on companionship, I don't think it's based on sharing the van, it wouldn't really be possible. It still needs to be my own space, my own home, I'm not looking to move in with somebody else, even though that would be so much easier in many ways. But maybe I would do that, if I could do that, I don't know, I'm not looking for it, and I don't have my eyes on anybody that I think might provide that. I've been there, and I've done that, and it didn't work for me. I just got to fill time differently for a while, but ultimately still realised, quite quickly actually, that my choosing this just wasn't good for me. It wasn't good, just wasn't good. It wasn't the right thing to do, and I should know better. And maybe now I do know better. That doesn't mean I can't, in inverted commas, make the same mistake, it wouldn't be the same mistake, it wouldn't even necessarily be a mistake. I don't believe there really are any mistakes, all experience is valuable. But there are choices, different choices, based on a number of things that one can make where perhaps one can come to believe there was a better choice, a different choice that might have led in a different way. But I accept that I don't always make the right choice, I'm not always sure what the right choice is, sometimes there isn't time. You just have to go with it or resist it, which I guess is also a choice. Yeah, so doing time. Like I said, we all do it, and if we're involved in a relationship then a lot of our time is spent on thinking about the other, doing for the other, caring about the other, considering the other, wondering what the other would want or do, being affected by the other, positively or negatively, but it's a whole different experience than just thinking about yourself. What do I want? What should I eat? Where should I go? I want to sleep, and so I just sleep. I want to watch something, I just watch it. I don't have to ask, would you like to watch it with me? What would you like to watch? I'm going to watch something. Do you want to watch this? I'm going to bed. Are you going to stay up? Well, maybe I'll stay. And it becomes a constant, well, it becomes my work. Yes, I suppose that's a good way of putting it. If I'm in a relationship, the other person is my work, because it's important that I learn who they are. And it takes time, what they like, how they think, how they feel, how they respond, what they do in different situations, it takes time. And I'm open to that, because if I know the other person well, then it means I'm able to love them better, to think about, care about, do for them better, support them better, because I know them. But it all takes time, and the other person also has to be doing the same thing. So there has to be a balance. It can't be one-sided, it can't be dominant and power-hungry thing, it can't be ego-filled. So I know it's possible, I've had tastes of what it feels like when it works, I just have never had the experience where it just stays like that, it just keeps working. I don't know what that's like. And maybe it's not possible to know. I know people, some people do stay together their whole lives. Some people do the same job their whole lives, live in the same place, never leave their country, never even leave their village sometimes. I'm not saying it's good or bad, I'm just saying that's what people do, where it's just, that's their life, and they don't need anything else. They're happy and content with the familiarity and support and security, whatever it is that they get from it, they're happy with it. I've never had that. I've never experienced a career where I'm just doing the thing that I've trained to do and hopefully love to do, and variations of that, but the career. Even family, blood family connection I don't have anymore, wasn't able to do that, stay with that. My own families that I've experienced in relationship, couldn't sustain those, they didn't last. They just went through a period, long period of time, where it wasn't right or working, but yet it seemed like I wanted to continue it, rather than go back into something that seemed cold and lonely and alone. So I don't know if it's I'm doing time by avoiding things that are emotionally challenging out of fear, or avoiding things that are emotionally challenging out of wisdom. I can't say for sure. There may be some of both in there. It's not that I'm avoiding turning down what I feel are offers of possible connection, but I'm also not putting myself out there, making it seem like I might be available that way. Obviously everything I've said is subject to change. It could change, everything changes in any moment. And I suppose looking at it like this and wondering about it is useful, and then I can let go. By talking about it in this way, and maybe sharing it, I don't know that that's what will happen, allows me to free myself from any unlooked at feeling, just to let it out. Which means I don't have to carry it, and I can refer back to this recording, even listen to it, as if someone else made it, and see how it makes me feel. And I might very well do that, as I do often do that in the things that I make. So if I have shared it, then I thank you for listening.