The Sex Thing

The speaker reflects on the topic of attraction and relationships, particularly focusing on the fascination with breasts. They question why men are drawn to this aspect of a woman's body and explore the idea that it may be due to its hidden and taboo nature. The speaker also discusses their own experiences and preferences, expressing a lack of interest in pursuing romantic relationships but valuing companionship and friendship. They reflect on the challenges and disappointments they have faced in the past and question if they have truly learned from these experiences. The speaker concludes by expressing a desire to share their thoughts with other men and potentially spark a conversation on these topics. Every so often I try to make sense out of something I understand but no it doesn't make any sense and as I've, each time I look at this subject it makes less and less sense and I am less and less affected. Today as I'm walking into town I see a woman coming towards me and she's just wearing a bra. She's not wearing a bikini top, she's just wearing a bra and her fairly ample bosom is wobbling around in it. I see some younger girls, sort of I suppose older teenage girls, quite well endowed, showing off their assets, attractive. I know that is going to attract a certain kind of boy with their hormones raging and they're going to get a lot of attention and then maybe they like that, I suppose in some ways they must because they must already get it. They don't understand that that perhaps is not the best way to create relationship but then lots of people have to go through this and the pains and heartaches that follow hopefully slowly teach them. But it always gets me thinking about the idea of why showing a woman voluptuous, showing off her breasts is a big thing, it's so attractive, you know, we've got all these names, tits and boobs and yet they're simply a functional organ, part of the body designed to produce milk to feed a baby, it's an essential thing, it's a big thing, a woman does, a mum does. Why do blokes, why are they so drawn? You can speak to some guys and are you a breast guy or a leg guy? Many men will say, oh I'm a breast guy, they'll be so turned on by the idea of breasts. Why? Because they're hidden, because it's taboo, because they associate the idea of erogenous zone and some women are turned on by stimulation and other women aren't in my experience, so it's not guaranteed, so it's really just in your head. I know, I've experienced the same things and then get to have the experience of touching and very quickly I don't care about it anymore, like it doesn't matter anymore, but the idea of it far outweighed what actually comes from the experience, as so often happens with me and like take out food, I can really desire something, oh I love the taste of that, the idea of that and then I go and get it and it's disappointing, it very rarely matches up in reality the idea that I've had of it and it's the same for things like this, the obsessive aspect that can take over men when they see, catch a sight of, go looking for, it's available all over the internet really easily, every shape, size, colour, whatever, it's all there and many men seek it out and they use it to help them get off. Why? Why should it do that? Why do they need that? But why should it do that? I still think it's the hidden aspect, the fact that it's kept secret only for certain people, so if you have access, if you're not paying for it of course, if you have access through love and then it's special and it feels special and so it makes you feel good and it's all part of what eventually leads a man to orgasm. For me, in the past, once that orgasm takes place and especially if it's happened a few times, then what triggers it starts to sort of decline. I don't care anymore. I realise why was I ever affected by it? Why should I have been affected by it? And I look at it and I've looked at it many times and I've talked about it a few times and I understand there is a kind of, and I think I've always had it and other heterosexual men probably have too, whereas as I was growing up, so maybe less so today because of internet access, but as I was growing up there was no access to seeing naked. There was no internet, so there was no, the only thing that could be is magazines, videos or real life. Magazines and videos were restricted. I rarely saw images. I did see some at school. Somebody might bring in something and I also got to see my dad's pornographic collection where I shouldn't have been searching and wouldn't have come across them otherwise. And I still believe, I'm certain that it affected me in a very powerful way and I'm still working through the effects of that essentially. But, you know, most of the others, the children, they didn't have access to it like that until they were much older and then by the time they did have access to it, it was already now such an obsession because it was hidden that the taboo factor just exacerbated the desire exponentially. And many blokes never lose that. It's just a part of who they are. Sex for me loses, loses the, I lose the interest in it very quickly. If I allow myself or if I have experienced, as I have, attraction which somehow goes further and is reciprocated and something happens, yes it feels wonderful initially, but if there's no desire to create a new child which is the primary function of this process, I lose the desire for it very quickly. Once I've eaten something on a regular basis, I don't want to keep eating it. It's the same sort of thing. I might want it again at some point, but I don't want it all the time. The actual release or relief can make it seem like, chemically speaking, that there is a feeling of connection, a desire for, but in reality, in my experience, it turns out that it's simply just what is necessary to complete that process. Once a feeling of desire arises and then an ejaculation takes place, connection is severed temporarily. I'm not interested in them really. There's no desire. Now that's where friendship is important and relationship is important and that's very important. If it's just a sexual thing, then there would be little to keep me there. Now I've only had sexual experience, really, with people that I am going to be around long term and have been around so that there is this attempt to create something more substantial, a proper relationship. One-night stands are not things I've done and the meaninglessness of the sexual thing without the emotional seemed to be very important. As time went on, it actually turned out that really all I wanted was some, every so often, to be able to release in some way and it seems better to do it with the other person than by myself, which allows me just to accomplish it on a mechanical way for the purposes of relief. And then sort of losing interest in actually the other person entirely and they now just become a means to an end, much the same as images or some sort of pornographic thing, if it was interesting and exciting, would help me achieve the same thing. It's all in my head. I think I've got a real handle on all of this. I haven't been with anyone since 2019 and I'm OK with that. While I sometimes recognise that it's still possible as a kind of maleness, I'm OK with it not happening. I don't go seeking it, I'm not trying to make something happen, I'm not noticing that it's missing and feeling lack. And in my experience, it actually is better for me if I just don't get involved. Whatever pleasure might come from the new, it doesn't last and the price for it is just too much, it's just too high. I can't pay it anymore. Not worth it in many ways. Companionship, that's different. Friendship, different. But relationship, nah. I'm not ruling anything out, I'm not saying never, but it feels like no. And it's rare, as much as I like being around women, to be able to be in a state of companionship, friendship, where closeness, where it isn't going to be physical, it's rare. I rarely have it. I know women, I'm around women and I'm not in relationship with them, but there isn't that sort of attraction like that. And I'm just, I don't think I put out the vibes, I don't think I come across. Many times I've had people who have actually revealed it, thought that I'm gay. And that's just because they've revealed it. So that means, essentially, many people would have thought that very thing, just they didn't tell me. Which is okay by me, you know, it's not for me to impose what other people think, but it is interesting that I must be putting out vibes that are so not desirable of the opposite sex, to have people think I'm gay. Women, actually, that have done that, not men, although there's no reason to assume they haven't either. But I find it interesting, I found it interesting when I discovered that somebody said, oh, Simon's gay. You know, right in front of me, oh, Simon's gay. Now at the time, I felt it was necessary to sort of, I'm not gay. Oh yeah, of course, right, right, right. But I'm not gay. You know, to be gay you have to fancy men, right? No, I don't fancy men. But they were so sure that I must be that they've already made their mind up, don't bother me with the truth, I already know. It surprised me, but it just made me realise, well, if that's what's coming across so certainly, it must be like that for many others. I think the reality is, in some way, that actually I much prefer somebody to come towards me than for me to go towards them. I know it's traditional for the man to hunt, but I have more of a female brain in many ways, and I actually quite like somebody coming on to me. And it has happened, and I've had experiences with women as a result. None of them have worked, but I quite like it, it's nice, and so in a sense, I'm not putting out the vibe of I'm after you, so you don't think I'm interested. But actually I could be very well be interested, but you have to show me first. So maybe it's a protection from a vulnerability as well. I've never been very up front with how I feel, I'll show it, but I won't make it that obvious. And it may be because there is a feeling of, it's hard to describe, it's very difficult for me to deal with disappointment. I caught myself out then and I was shot down. I was, as a child, very sensitive to those kind of things, and as a result, I just, I can't do that, I won't be doing that. I'm not going to, instead of desiring and wanting and getting, I'm just going to not bother. I don't want actually to be drawn, pulled, you know, obsessed, really, and I would prefer to find a way not to, which means that I don't have to see somebody that I find attractive and then do whatever I can to have them. So I'm not like other men who do do that. I have never done that. Sure, I've recognised my attractiveness to someone and then got to know them and really liked who they were, and I am kind and loving and open and willing around them. And if something happens as a result, great. If it doesn't, then that's just okay because it would just overwhelm me. But anyway, if something were to happen, especially if I didn't have to reveal it first, it would always overwhelm me because I was always open to it. I won't ever try to hide away from the possibility of an experience with another person, even though my experience tells me that it will always end in tears. It will always be heartache and struggle. And I will realise that I am simply repeating old patterns of behaviour that I should have learned from, that in fact I have learned from, but somehow haven't learned enough, and I have to keep repeating it until I finally do. Maybe I am in a position now where I have finally done that, but I don't know if that's even true. Given the right circumstances with the right person who I would recognise and feel connected to, I might very well do exactly the same thing and go through the same process again. It's hard to say. But that seems to be what I've done so far. However much gap, however much issue has taken place with previous relationship, previous connection, when I have the opportunity, when that has happened again, I go straight in because I don't connect what's happening now with what happened. I'm not the same, this moment is not the same, I'm hopefully wiser and more aware of and figured out and realised things from before. So maybe it will be different. So far, it hasn't been. So far, those aspects of my character that somehow interfere with it, or the issues that I have, whether it's autistic, Asperger related, labels, ideas, interfere with it, I can't say, or it's just me, whatever it is, combination of all of the above, it starts to not work quickly. I'm too selfish, I'm not interested, I change, I thought I felt this, but now I don't feel it anymore, and I can't trust what it is I do feel. So I start to withdraw, but yet maybe the physical aspect still feels very connecting, and I still want that closeness, so I continue with that, even though psychologically, emotionally I'm not feeling the same, I'm not able to express it well, and then eventually it overwhelms me. It makes sense, I can understand why it would, but I can't seem to do it any other way. So it's either that, go through all of that experience, all the turmoil and the difficulty, only to come back to essentially where I was prior to that, or not do it at all. Just be okay with not doing it. See things from a distance, recognise stuff, and then just walk away. I'm not trying to get involved, I'm not desiring more, or what's missing, because the fact that it's missing seems to make it easier to accept, it makes it more desirable, because it's missing. But if I don't allow that additional temptation to affect me, then at some point, quite quickly, it passes. The idea, the pull of it, passes, revealing to me that it was never what it seemed to be in the first place, which for me, as a bloke, red-blooded, heterosexual bloke, is a very interesting thing to come to understand, how those drives, how that feeling is not quite what it seems. And I would like to share that with other men. I haven't really ever had the opportunity, really, to talk about these things. Here and there, over my life, yes, there will have been conversation moments where such has come out, and generally it would be with somebody who already gets it, in a sense. But just sort of bringing it up as an interesting thing to talk about, it's rare to do that, especially amongst other men. Or have other men even consider these ideas with me. So, I guess I've made a recording about it now, which may be interesting. I can share that in some way and make it available, and we'll see. See what happens.