planted ep 2 faith like a mustard seed

The speaker and her friends are recording a podcast episode about faith. They discuss the parable of the mustard seed and its meaning. They also talk about attending a revival led by Catherine Crick in Chicago. They share their experiences and the power they felt during the revival. The speaker recounts her own story of praying for healing and the obstacles she faced in attending the revival. She shares how she believed God would heal her and witnessed others receiving healing. She also talks about the challenges of being a parent and wanting to experience her own healing. In the end, she expresses her gratitude for the blessings she received and her belief that God hears and answers prayers quickly. Okay yeah we're good. Yay. Yay. Okay. Should we do the intro together? I don't know the intro. I don't I didn't even really make one but I think we can all say like hey at the same time or like we could say hello planting people. Okay. Okay. Three two one. Hello planting people. It's Amaria. Welcome or welcome back to the planted podcast. Today I am here with Chris. Akima. And today we're gonna be talking about faith. We're actually gonna be talking about faith like a mustard seed. Have you studied on that one yet? Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. What is that? From a mustard seed? Yeah. So basically it's like a parable like Jesus said today if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. Okay. Yeah. But you don't have to like you don't have to like quote Bible verses and stuff like you can say like what faith means to you and like how you show faith you know. Yeah. Okay. I like it. So first of all today actually right now we're in Chicago. We are filming the second episode of Planted which is crazy but we went to a revival today. How was that? We went to Catherine Crick. Her revival is now Chicago. How does everybody feel about that? I want to hear hers because you guys both heard mine. Yeah. It was powerful. It was very eye-opening and it just helped me understand a lot of different things but also there was like a lot of new things that I never saw before so overall it was just a new experience to witness and it's gonna take some time to process. Yeah I'm not gonna lie that was a lot a lot a lot and it's like we see in the videos all the time but like seeing it like in person is just it makes it like way more real and just like a lot. I got freed. Yeah. Yeah when I heard um I think it was like when we're when she was praying over us and like when we're praying it was um when like the very first woman started like yelling like you can't have her like you can't have her that I it did it did like cause shivers down my spine so like that's why I was like the presence there was just insane because it's like you kind of like felt like it's like there when when your internal dialogue overruns your external so it's like it it it makes itself known and it's insane because it's like that's how I perceive the demons that we have within ourselves and it's like yeah like they attach themselves to you and it can be from like yeah like someone else causing that upon you like I believe that like people that try doing witchcraft and stuff so it's like to hear that to hear that voice like the like it just yeah it made it made me shiver yeah like I was I could even open up my eyes I didn't even want to I just kind of like what just had like what's happening like I can hear like it does not sound like it's just this woman like you know it's like of course it was like a woman's voice but it's like how did it how to how to how to gravity to like to it you know and like a lot of people like they're too embarrassed to even act like that so like for someone like I don't know I just it's just like I don't know it's like it's definitely like so a deep inside mm-hmm it's like like you can't control it yeah yeah like I don't know but the one that caught me off guard was the little the baby girl at the beginning yeah I was like what in the world but it's so true because like a lot of times like parents don't realize like what what goes on in their lives like actually like affects their kids spiritually as well like in that way and like kids can pick up on certain things and like not even know that they're opening doors to certain things that's crazy that's why they get bothered the most and stuff but they get used more to try to become like that vessel for like the pure evil you know like it's just trying to to like push its way in which is why like it they tend to see more like to have more imaginary friends they tend to see things like more clearly than an adult would because an adult kind of like it was just kind of thoughts like you're kind of more developed differently yeah and like she said like well how the word says like we have to be childlike because like their minds are just so pure and so sensitive and they're just open to it like they're just so open to it but like it goes both yeah yeah I'll tell you guys really quick about my deliverance though yes story time so I've been like praying and believing for healing for like over a year now and like I kept getting confirmation after confirmation and just like words from God and just like him speaking through the word and everything and I thought that he gave me a specific date as to like when I would be healed but when that day came like it didn't come to pass and I already knew like it wasn't going to because just the way like the whole day was going and like it was just not how like I felt God wanted me to like do it like it was just so weird but anyway so it's a it's a really long story but I ended up getting invited like unexpectedly by my friend Sai and literally had like it was last minute like had no funds to get here but like God literally provided and like he used someone to literally pay for the whole Airbnb so that like we could get here and just like through people just like funded the whole trip and I just knew like this woman is real like I knew Catherine was real I'm just like I know like God uses her power and I knew like God wanted me there like because there's just no way like something just like happens like that like a whole trip is just paid for like out of nowhere and then there was like a lot of spiritual warfare and like things that were just trying to keep me from like getting here and like it was just I don't know like I whole cried the day before we came because it really was looking like the end like it really was looking like I wouldn't be able to come and I was like no like I know I know I'm gonna be there because I just know God wants me there and if he wants me there like he's gonna make a way and like he just did like supernaturally just like I'm sorry that's literally just God like that's like over $1,000 like more also there $1,000 for my car insurance and Joyce paid literally just so much stuff that just wouldn't normally just never happen just for me to come just for me to get here and also like get here safely so like I just knew I was like I just know I'm gonna be healed like I know I'm gonna be healed and then I would see like her videos on Instagram and I saw a guy that got healed from something similar to what I have and I was like I just take that as a sign from God like he's gonna heal me like he's literally gonna heal me and we get here well first of all it took us forever to get there not gonna lie like yeah it was these roads are crazy like I cannot stand driving on these roads they first of all the streets turn into I'm sorry am I am I literally just rambling right now the streets just like turn into highways and then it's like they're just so confusing the roads are so confusing and like people be driving crazy anyway but long story short we made it there I'm just like I know I knew God's gonna heal me but I was like for some reason feeling so down when I first got there I don't know why like I really don't know why and then like I just knew like I had to get to the front and I had to like show her my papers or whatever but she said like come up if you feel like a demon manifesting or whatever I'm like I literally don't feel that at all so like I'm just gonna stay here because I want like people to get free and like she does like a lot a lot of deliverance and I didn't see her like praying for people to get healed yet so I was like I'm gonna just stay back here like whatever I'm just like I was just like no like I have to go up there I literally have to go up there so I went up there and I was there for a minute came back to get Amari because also believing for him to get healed from his skin eczema and I I'm like kind of forgetting like how all this played out she was praying over someone with cancer for them to be healed and as she was praying for them in my head like I was just like oh my gosh like this is I I was just believing for for them but also for me I was just like this is like I just I I know I'm gonna be healed but Amari kept like just wanting to get down crying and all this stuff like in the middle of all these people so I'm like okay like I have to go back and sit down like I cannot still be over here and I started crying because I was like scared to miss out on my blessing because of him and I know it's like not because of him like he's just a baby but sometimes it's just hard because I'm just like like it feels hard to do anything and everything and I feel like I'm limited like sometimes like not all the time but like we're just things that I want to do I just feel limited and I was just like God like I really don't want to miss out like this and that in my head I'm saying all this and I was like I know he's not a burden like you blessed me with him and I love him this and that but I was just like I just feel so like this and that like whatever like I was just like literally not even focused on what she was saying and then she started praying for me and someone else and I didn't even know she was praying for me at first I thought she was praying for the girl in front of me which she was praying for like multiple people at the same time I don't really remember everything that she said I can put the video in here somewhere but when I looked up and she was pointing literally at me I was just like in shock because I was just like wow like God you are you number one just heard me like once again prove to me like in the moment that you hear me at the exact time that I think a thought like I don't even have to say anything but you just answered my prayers that fast and it was just so surreal that like after all the time I was praying like he picked me out of the crowd once again like this is not the first time God has picked me out of the crowd and I was just like feeling so loved and just feeling like like the fight is just it's finally over like I don't have to fight anymore I don't have to worry about it anymore like it's I'm truly like free and she cast the demons out and I'm free I don't know no yeah yeah it was beautiful though I'm mad I'm mad that I didn't get a recording of it because everybody was where the like where the camera was yeah whatever yeah I couldn't get anything you know yeah it's okay right when I seen it though like shoot yeah that's what she said she was just like I feel like I need to pray like I need prayer like over here like right over here and then that's when I saw you right there and I'm like what that's crazy and it's it was more insane because it's like I already I already knew what we were already going through before that yeah so like I already seen like yeah like the whole like parking and just everything that was so like tedious so small these things that were just irritating you know yeah and it's like something that's trying to just get a rise out of you yeah I was thinking that too yeah like something's just poking at you like hello like yeah you know like like like in a sense like if it's like lose your faith you know lose like lose lose the lose what you have in your head of yourself being like being healed and like I like it's like it's like you're like the devil wanted you to doubt like the power of God that was already for you it's just not at the time that you expected it was gonna be yeah yeah like I was that's crazy Chris like because I was thinking the same thing I was just like first it was trying to keep me from coming here but now that I actually made it here now it's just like irritated with me and just wants to like get a rise literally like okay well I'm gonna still like put all these things in your like whatever I don't know I don't know but yeah get you angry you should work so yeah yeah it's not fun though but then you kind of then then you get to see like how everything really is you know yeah like how everything really feels cuz like then yeah when we went to the when we went into the event today it's like oh like take it all compounds right like when one thing happens after another and then it kind of like combust it's like it all bursts out of everywhere and then I see no it's like it's like the new like she said with the wine that was interesting like how you can't put new wine into an old wine skin like that was interesting and that's why I love that I was able to keep myself open to today because I was like huh that's interesting yeah it's like huh that's interesting like I can kind of see myself in that like that's why even like when we're and I'm gonna shut off a little bit but it was also when we were talking about like oh man like just feel so much different here in a bigger city like it like um like just so many aspects you know from so much different from Grand Rapids but it's like we might have to like yeah get rid of that old this one is a lighting okay nevermind yeah okay but um but yeah like how like we in order to in order to get that new wine is that well first we need a new wine skin if we got throw out all that old stuff when we got throw out that bag and trust that God is gonna give us the the new wine skin that we need and then he's gonna supply us with the wine that he knows best it's gonna be oh yeah this is this is gonna this is gonna grow into something phenomenal you know from this from this point moving forward that makes me think about like wine in general how it takes so long to even process into being drinkable like if you really think about it I think sometimes we want things to happen so quickly mm-hmm but it's like even wine has to go through a whole process before we can enjoy it so that's kind of what it's like kind of like having faith and like being called and having an anointing like that's a lot so our verse of the day is Matthew 17 20 and it says because you have so little faith truly I tell you if you have faith a small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move nothing will be impossible for you and that just goes to show like everything is possible like God can literally do anything in your life you just literally have to believe like the woman with the issue of blood like she believed so much like she just knew like I just I have to just touch the hem of his garment that was her right yeah and she was immediately made well and like the faith of the guy who was paralyzed and his friend faith healed him literally because if they never would have lowered him through the roof like he would have never been healed so like faith is just so important but when God's talking about faith like a mustard seed he's not saying like have little faith because he clearly said like oh you have little faith but a mustard seed of faith is faith that he can he can work with like he can work with you and that faith can grow and oh yeah I was gonna say how okay my notes I wrote down notes cuz you know me I like to do lists for everything but I wrote down how the seeds work they you plant them they grow roots and then a stem and then they grow and blossom and then they bear fruit so my next question is what are some things in your lives that you guys had to have faith for that may have been difficult or may not have been I would have to say the trip to Myrtle Beach and it's so crazy because my cousin used to get so annoyed that I keep bringing that trip up of being 19 and going to a whole nother state with no money like little like little to no money like I've had enough to only buy a bike just to travel but it's like I knew that I needed to go there and a week prior to that I told myself I was gonna dance at a specific location and the day that I went there they had a performer there at the exact location at the exact time that I found the place they were just starting so it wasn't even started yet it wasn't about to finish like it was just about to start so they were getting everything ready for the for like start performing for a little bit they were just playing music or whatever and people were just getting there there were a lot of people and it's like I told my friend like I'm gonna dance here like I don't know I don't know what else I'm gonna do girl but all I know is I'm going to dance here and what's insane is like it's like now like reflecting on it it's like God kind of like okay you're gonna okay so you want to dance here there's so much more that you don't understand that's happening so that's all you'll be able to do you're gonna make a dumb decision while you're there and it's gonna cost you the whole trip and I'm gonna need you to make that decision and it's like I made it without hesitation I left my bag somewhere that it shouldn't have been and it had all my important documents in it but it was like four in the morning I wasn't thinking I was just like looking at it and I'm like yeah I'll be back like it's three you know it's like for it I'll be back for it by the time I went back it wasn't there anymore and I used to lie to people and I used to tell them that it wasn't um that somebody stole it like somebody stole it when while I was dancing and then it got to the point where I just told you the truth like I left it I left it somewhere I shouldn't have it was a dumb decision but I now see if I never made that dumb decision there were so many more things that I didn't understand that we're gonna happen that needed to happen and it's like when I was going there it was like that's kind of how like the faith was kind of like strong it's like I always and even be even after that I knew that everything was always gonna work out and I would always tell myself like no matter what it is I know everything's always gonna work out on my favor and if something bad happens and people like do that work out in your favor I'm like yeah I don't understand it right now I might not see it but I know I have faith and I and I have the inner knowing that everything that happens is something that's going to build me up to become someone that I don't even know I might you know I can say I want to be someone I can say I want to be this kind of guy this kind I want to have this I want to have that you know all these type of things but there's gonna be things that happen within those times that it's gonna be like you know you kind of you kind of shot a little low for that one it's like really yeah you don't think you could be a little bit more than that you don't think you're worthy of a lot more than what you're saying this is just the minimum so I'm gonna keep I'm gonna have you keep that thought and I'm gonna give you all these other circumstances all these other events that are gonna bring something completely different than what you're hoping for and I feel like guys that event definitely pushed me that even moving forward even now like not having a job and doing all this I'm like okay it still works out and I keep telling myself that because I know it does and it's insane cuz there's times where it's like something challenges me like even when it comes to the family or something and I'm like like my head I'm like so do you want to listen to them are you gonna are you just gonna give into the human world are you gonna give into your physical world you're gonna listen to everybody around you or are you gonna have trust you're gonna have faith knowing like I know God's got me I don't understand sometimes I don't know how but that's not what we should be focused on yeah you know we should be focused on our why like why do we want a better life why do we want to treat people better why do we not want to do this or revert to how we were before you said the word inner knowing which is such a good word cuz I feel like that's kind of like what faith is literally just knowing yeah like it's one time somebody told me something that just stuck with me forever he said if you know something is true you don't have to believe it and like when I say when people be like oh wow you believe in you believe in Jesus or you believe this I'm like dude I don't believe in God like I know God is real like I don't like to say I believe in God like yeah like you know it's that knowing it's that knowing that everything's working out it's that knowing that it's like no God's got me right now I might not see it you know and and I tell people a sometimes it sucks it sucks because yeah we don't want certain stuff to happen we don't want to do certain things and some some of the things just don't happen and then they happen in a point where you're actually ready and then you'll be like wait I'm not reacting like I used to say well yeah I needed you to wait like I needed you to figure out how to balance yourself you know how to how to how to be able to get into an altercation and be able to bounce back from it just like that and keep that faith keep that strong faith knowing like you know okay and that's why I like like how I would talk about my relationship with God it's like it's like I think yeah well he's my father yeah you know he's the one that's gonna nudge me a little bit and he'll it's like he's the one that challenges me he's like okay let me see what you're gonna do and even when I mess up he's like really that's what you went with you know like in my head that's how I picture him like he just picks on me sometimes he'll laugh with me and he'll be like why are you why did you do that I'm like well because I thought it was right well what no but now we're gonna have to push it back just a tiny bit you know let's get some breathing space and then we'll try again and I don't ever know when to try again but when I when I know it's not because someone told me it's because I feel it I just know okay now it's time now and I have to try again not now this is the moment I feel a lot less crazy like knowing that that's how you think about things in you too like mm-hmm I hate that the world like makes us feel like we're crazy for like knowing and like believing you know something but um I actually I have should I tell a story about God providing or whatever yeah yeah because I feel like it just fits the conversation but like like y'all said about like just knowing and like trusting God like not only did God reassure me that he hears my thoughts as soon as I think them but he just I casted my anxieties onto him I trusted him and I just knew like he was gonna provide and it's like he will he'll give us that satisfaction like like we can trust him and like he'll come through every single time and like he doesn't have to because he's God but he literally just cares that much and so like when I was living in my apartment or whatever like I had like no food and ate my last pack of ramen noodles like I think I had food for Amari but like no food for me or whatever I'm like dang I do not know where my next meal is gonna come from and I didn't my car was like acting up at that point so and Joyce picks me up from work takes me home wherever I'm like dang this is so crazy but I was just like you know what God can provide like I've I've had times where I would be low on food but never times were like I didn't know where my next meal was gonna come from like type of like no food so anyways this is like 3 in the morning dude go to sleep she calls me at like 8 a.m. and it's like get up and get ready I'm gonna take you to the grocery store so we can get you some food and I was just like girl what like how did you even know I need to food first of all which is like I know she probably like she obviously knows like my job be acting funny but just like I don't know it was just crazy so anyway she gives me like a limit of like a hundred fifty dollars something like that I don't even know but I was like dang I'm not gonna eat food for like a week and then run out again so I was like okay Lord like I'm gonna spend some of my own money even though I really don't have it like I know it's for the rent but I just trust that you would either make the money back or just provide like I just know that you would provide and so like I think I I was gonna spend like $15 at this store but she just ended up paying for everything and I had to go to this other store cuz I need a can opener and and like some condiments or something like that it was at all these like you can't go there so I had to go to Walmart and then I ended up like putting way too much in the car like you know me y'all y'all know me I mean oh but I um I ended up putting like $150 worth of groceries in the car and I was like dang like I'm not supposed to be sent spending this money but I was just like I know God's gonna provide like I just know oh shoot it's not recording anyway okay okay whatever yeah but was I talking about my spending limit or when I was at Walmart I think you're just about to get when you're at Walmart I'm gonna just go back to the same limit so she gave me a spending limit of like $150 whatever and I'm like yeah I'm not trying to eat food um yeah maybe a juice yeah yeah um and I was like I'm not trying to eat for a week and then run out of food again like I'm just not gonna do that so I was planning on spending like some of my own money even though like I really didn't have it and like the money that I did have was like for my rent and I was just trusting like I just knew like God's gonna provide because well first of all the word says I've never seen the righteous hungry but I wasn't even thinking about all that I just know that like God cares so much that he literally just won't like he won't let me go hungry like I know so I I was gonna spend like $15 I like the first store but she'd have just paying for everything which is like dude that's already a blessing in itself but then I was gonna go to Walmart because I needed a can opener and like a couple other things and when I went there I was planning on just spending my own money and I ended up putting like $150 worth of stuff in my cart literally and it didn't even seem like it was that much but I was just like you know what God like I really know that like I don't have this money right now and I know that like you're gonna provide like I just know that if I overspend like you would either make a way that I would get it back or you would literally just provide like I just knew that's gonna provide right before I was about to pay I'm just like man I really don't have this but God's gonna provide as soon as I said that in my brain literally not even a split second later this lady taps on my shoulder and says do you need anything and I was just like like I was so in shock because I knew what God was about to do like I just knew he was about to that lady was about to pay like I just knew and so I didn't say nothing and then she just puts her card and pays and was just like oh just being a blessing like God this and that in like whatever I don't even know what she said to be honest because I was so in disbelief and shocked like I was just like jaw to the floor and I was just like I know it's God like I'm over here crying in the middle of Walmart self-checkout no for real but that was just so crazy so like not only is it like wow like honestly it's your face like it's your face with a combination like God loves you so much and just everything like I don't know but I know we talked about like knowing but how do we how do we fight unbelief and doubt and fear okay I was gonna say for me like with the whole healing journey and everything I just think like getting to know the father like knowing like like who he is because it's like if I know who you are then I know that you're not gonna fail me and if I know that you're not gonna fail me then I know that fear and doubt just has to bow and like it's just like how we were talking about earlier about earlier about agreement like I will not come into agreement with it like because I just know but it's so hard and it's like it's a fight like every single day for me at least like and I would say the scriptures like find scriptures like what the word says and just like keep reciting them I know you like to meditate on the word but how do you guys deal with unbelief or doubt or fear it is a nice question though I'm trying to think of a lot of times where I could have just not believed but it's like one of those things like it's and it gets crazy until it works kind of thing for some reason like I kind of knew like I also read a lot of self-help books and like I heard like I would always see like a lot of podcasts um when I was like in the beginning of my healing journey so instead of going out and like singing every night and going out with girls and clubs and this and that after a very bad breakup it kind of my love what happened my brother you okay he don't keep turning that thing off and keep coming to get you put it back on thing another thing I would like to say is like I wrote this in my notes if you know your God is all-knowing Almighty and all-powerful why wouldn't you believe you have no choice but to when you are desperate for it and desperate for him you have no other option but to believe and have faith you can't afford to do not give up wait on the Lord trust him and be patient with him his word will and always will and always has come to pass it happened as soon as he said it trust in his promises live and act and talk as if it already happened it's not manifesting the word says there's power in the tongue he will do it he wants to do it keep on going he fights for you I love that I came while you said that because I also did a lot of like like watching like um this one woman named Esther Hicks she always speaks on the law of attraction and there's like other things that she kind of like that kind of goes straight to that it's like how you speak about yourself is how you will always end up how you speak about your situation you will see nothing but that and it's like hearing that kind of like not even force me but it made me feel effortlessly start going into a place where I'm like oh so if the if my circumstances aren't good only I can see them as not good like even if other people are looking at my circumstances being like bro but shouldn't you be sad I'll look at them like what do you why well because nothing's going right I'm like well then what's the fun for the fun is trying to find that beauty within the storm yeah it's like that's the challenge of it so I feel like my like like I knew my my like I know it was connected and I felt like it was kind of like about how you don't have like why do you have to be sad about it yeah so like I knew that like my circumstances the way that I react to them has to do with how I think about them so I feel like that kind of like kept my faith and I kind of like on like knowing that there was still something more out there because I'm like well if God already gave me the keys like the like the like not even the key I guess yeah you can say like the keys are like kind of like that like his like in my in my eyes the playbook I'm like hey if you keep on doing this like even though a woman was telling me it I wasn't I wasn't taking it as this woman is telling me this I always every time I hear something like something that clicks to me I look at like what this is God speaking through them and it's always been like that that's why like it's like even like with the Bible with everything I I would just have to be okay well this is like when I meet someone new it's like oh this is God speaking through them you know something that this person is going to say oh he wants you to rub him do you see this yeah and um like everything like even even this even just having this right now is like a godly event for me like this is something of God you know like even yeah even the trials and tribulations are something of God to build me up to become more wise to be able to like like my discernment to be able to yeah have like see how well am I holding myself up because he can only do so much but he can work wonders he can work miracles so he can do a lot of beautiful things but it's like what's the point if that's all he's there to do it's like okay well as as as me and my physical aspect what is it what what is it that I can do to show him that hey I'm like I'm listening you know like I'm paying attention like I'm seeing everything that you're trying to put in front of me that is going to help me so like it kind of like but it was struggling though for a second I used to want to kill myself because I thought it was so like I was so confused I wasn't sure what to believe it I wasn't sure if I say something if I'm going to sound crazy like you were saying earlier like like I felt like I was just crazy and it got to the point where I'm like okay I'm alone I'm the only one and it's like no no you're not you just haven't met the people yet but like it's like meeting is like being here with you guys now it's like I can tell myself like okay now do you see like you aren't really alone you just need like I need to go through my own things and it's all literally divine timing it's all in that perfect linear time where and time isn't linear at all but it's like it's in that right moment when it needs to be you know like if I could have been on this podcast and be like I really don't know what you guys like what to say you know because I didn't have any knowledge or wisdom or understanding and in my own sense and not just the same understanding as everyone else but to be able to have my own like my own specific way of saying something and then you say some specifically and you say some specifically and then we all can kind of from each other get that light bulb like wow I like that you know she said that like that like I didn't think of it like that you know like or it's like you know it gets with all of us you know we say something that's like wow that was nice like that was nicely put you know like I don't think I would have been able to say like that you know and it's not cutting ourselves short but it's being honest like somebody else is always gonna have a perspective that's always gonna water our seed water our mustard seed yeah mustard seed that's good yes that was really amazing how about yourself did you did you answer that one right? I didn't. I was kind of avoiding answering the question honestly just because of where I'm at right now like okay so in the Bible it talks about different gifts that God gives and stuff and recently he revealed to me that I have the gift of interpretation so and I've always known this but I didn't know the other one. Of tongues? Of tongues but the gift of interpretation is deeper than just understanding tongues. It's like understanding everything and it like makes me want to cry but I knew that I had it because of the way my brain works but I didn't know that it exists in the Bible like I never knew that it was actually written so when that was revealed it just made me aware of a lot more things and the Bible also says that wisdom can make you puff up and I just don't want to act like that but when I tell y'all like everything I experienced my brain breaks it down to a T and like God speaks to me all the time so that's a lot to deal with so it's like oh my gosh I don't even know where to start. It's overwhelming. It sounds overwhelming. It does. Yeah I get sick of myself because I'm like I feel bad about it like I don't ever want God to stop talking to me but sometimes I'm like yeah. Yeah I know right like I just need a second alright I need to breathe. Yeah but it's like you don't choose so I think it's that way with unbelief and belief is we're not the authors of our faith for real. We're literally just vessels on this earth and it's God's plan and we we feel like we have control but we have control in the world and God has control of our entire lifetime and lifetimes before us. Yeah. Yeah like it's something like yeah. Yeah. Yeah that's why I feel like when that it's like and I know they said it today about like it's not like a 50-50 kind of thing but like that's what I like when I think of it like that it means like he's here to take care of the spiritual aspect of our lives and our souls and it's like we're here to also do the physical labor the physical work so that's why those trials and tribulations I believe are his because it's like okay this is my like I need to do this part you know. It's specific to the person and it just works together so perfect because God is perfect. Even if somebody says that they don't believe it's like you're living in God's world you can't not believe in the God in your breathing air like yeah. How is any of this like the way it is? Yeah like the world. We didn't choose that. Nobody created oxygen like God did. Yeah like how's your body effortlessly doing all of this without you really thinking. Exactly. You know like you don't think of breathing. Yeah. You just breathe. Yeah. You know you don't think you don't think of your heart pumping. Right. You just it just pumps. Right. You know. Yeah. He's the author of our faith. A lot of it boils down to like trust and surrender because it's like even if you feel like you don't have that faith and you don't know how to like if you trust and surrender like all things are possible because you're literally just going with and just being a part of God's power and just knowing like it's nothing we can do like it's nothing we can do with all him. Right. Like Amari. Like Amari is a whole baby like he doesn't he doesn't worry oh my goodness what am I gonna get milk next like no he just trusts and surrenders to me because I'm his parent like I take care of him and he knows that I'm gonna take care of him and like every time he needs something mm-hmm and like to see what was I saying I forgot but he basically just knows like whatever he needs I'm gonna give it to him and we should be like childlike in that way to just know like whatever we need like God's gonna bring it to us and like anything is possible and he's all powerful and like for someone or a being that created the entire world and universe like they have all of that power and they created us like what huge blessings are we gonna receive like cuz I know if I was if I was God and I have all these kids I'm like okay like I love you like I'm gonna do this for you I'm gonna do this for you I'm gonna put this in your path I'm put this person in your path you know what I know you would like this song so I'm gonna put this song in your path like there's just so many blessings on blessings on blessings and we just yeah we got to be ready to receive it and just living it out trusting it and yeah anything is possible and he will do it it's not an if and or but like it's literally he wants to do it but like he gives us free will he gives us like a choice like whether we're gonna receive it or not whether we're gonna seek it out or not whether we're gonna seek him or not whether we're gonna accept him or not so yeah you have any anything else to say have you ever seen a miracle every single day literally every day like can you share a story with us God is always just performing miracles everywhere let me think today even I think no it's not in there it'll be in his backpack but we're almost done oh you do have a story of a miracle your guy the story you told us oh wait your angel guy oh yeah the trip from Myrtle Beach so it was crazy because the day I'm the day I went to Myrtle Beach and everything happened right when I went to the event you know this and that I got recorded this woman asked for my permission to record me and I was dancing the thrillers I was getting jiggy with it and I met this little this kid over there too he was pretty cool so we just kept kind of dancing back and forth and everything so we're just jamming having fun but that night I slept on a bench for my first time and it was in South Carolina and near the coast there's these things that live in the sand called chiggers and what they do is they they dig deep that not deep but they dig in your in the first layer of your skin and they know and they like they don't know like yeah yeah like like scabies yeah and they're disgusting oh my god so I remember just not being able to sleep and whatever and I remember when I finally was able to go to sleep um I got woken up and it was this homeless man and he was like hey you're not from here are you and I was like no you know how can you tell and he was like well no one would ever sleep here because we all know the rules and you can't sleep here you'll most likely get locked up if they if the cops find you here so you know he asked me my name I told him why I was there this and that and it was weird because I felt a sense of security like I felt like a sense like a safe like I felt safe for some reason like it's crazy because it's like I wouldn't ever I would even want to have kids I would never I would never tell him to do this but he he offered to watch out for me while I sleep and then he'll wake me up to take me to the to the homeless shelter or not the homeless shelter but like where they go for breakfast so we go and um he wakes me up at like four or or like yeah before five because they open up at five and we have to get there first so he tells me um you know like this is where you know we can get food and everything so it wasn't for him I wouldn't have had breakfast and then he ends up the whole time we're there he just ends up watching me just watching over me texting me telling me hey are you hungry can I get you anything or whatever and I'm like yeah I am pretty hungry and I haven't ate so he was like you know do you know where the Taco Bell is that we would meet at Taco Bell I'd always ask for the smallest thing and he'd always be he'd always give me the five dollar box so that it has like three tacos and another extra thing or whatever in a pop or whatever and we'll always talk every time he's given you know we're meeting up with each other and when we he was working towards um heading to his girlfriend and I can't remember where she lived but she lived in a different state so he was trying to get himself back up to go to her and I was now without no none of my documents or anything I couldn't get a job there because I need my documents I need my ID so I had to already head home and so while we were waiting and everything for the bus ride for me to get all the way back home from the Greyhound we departure right we leave and then when I come back I'm like oh man I want to see what you know like I heard what happened with um with Myrtle Beach they had a flood a week after I left so mind you I'm thinking about this guy now because I'm a crap like I just like I was just with you know with Gunnar that was his name and he was such a cool guy and he looked over me and everything so I genuinely appreciated it and I look and I seen his profile picture and it was him with his girlfriend so it's like the man that was also working towards going somewhere different in life got to get there at least so I knew he was safe and then there was another instance where my life started to kind of turn around for the better right I started to get back on my feet um and everything and I'm like man I want to hit up Gunnar you know I want to see I want to I it's been a while you know and um so I try to reach out to him and um it's like he didn't exist like his his profile picture nothing like his profile didn't even pop up he was a recent friend of mine so it was it should have been easier to find him and it's like he he never it's like he wasn't really there and it's insane and it makes me want to tear up sometimes because it's like it's just like I'm like that's what I meant like I knew I really wasn't alone like there was a video a while ago that I saw and it said what was your happiest moment you guys probably know what were you thinking about in your happiest moment you weren't think you probably can't remember because you weren't thinking of anything you were in pure bliss you were in pure now you were in the present and like that's how I felt that's why when when my family was trying to talk down I'm like oh but you see now you're back this and that and they're trying to you know like downplay everything that happened I'm like I went there and I'm back and I went there for a reason and I know and I know why I know why I needed to go there I know I know now I can see now oh well why did you go this and that you know and I'm like I can't even tell you guys no more even when it comes to plans I can't tell people my plans anymore because it doesn't matter none of it matters so it's like well then you're doing nothing in your life right no I just I know I don't have I don't have that control that I believe that I do so I detach from it even if you did like you don't owe anybody anything and that's yeah yeah like I can have goals and stuff and just detach from the outcome of it and just know like that I want to head towards there but it's like this is crazy because you start to really put all these pieces together and start to really see what a beautiful art piece it really is and I and I told Chris I was like that's just so crazy like I'm not saying the guy was an angel but it's also just like you never know like it's like them I mean and when you think of it like okay well then what was he because it's like he didn't exist I couldn't find him nothing I know he didn't block me why would he block me right you know like to be so kind to everybody you need because you just never know we're literally walking the earth with angels at times and we don't even know yeah I mean I would even say it like you know what it's crazy yeah he was God sent he could have stole all my stuff I'm telling you this man did not look like he was the most friendly man he didn't but I didn't judge him I didn't like oh you're smoking cigarettes and you're gonna look after me are you sure you're homeless man how are you gonna look after me like bro I was so humbled I'm so happy that before that trip I was already a humble person I already knew not to talk down on people when that's make people feel like they're smaller because even me I wouldn't want that but also it's like I truly don't believe anyone small we all have our own time we just don't know when even right now I might be like like that's what when stuff looks like is down I'm like wait that's just for now you think like I would tell my sister like you think I'm gonna be like this forever you think I'm gonna be in this state you think I'm gonna like not stay as in like where I'm living but me my mind stay and where I am with my heart with everything you think I'm gonna be there oh I might find something completely different you know I might do this or this might happen like I don't know what's gonna happen I just know I gotta have fun in the moment while it's happening because then if I if I get angry because something else and this or that or yeah or I'm looking at something I'm like oh but I didn't want it like this like no it's crazy could actually say real fast one more way of like a miracle that happened oh no that was a beautiful one too but no this one is more insane so I'll share the first I'm sure I'm sure that one first because that one was insane because it's and it's also in Myrtle Beach so um so we I go to I go to the um gunner shows me where to go for to spend the night you know to get a to get a spot or everything he went in like nothing so you know he was settled and everything or I think he he he made it too late actually he made it too late so he could even get in so he had to go he had to go find somewhere else to stay this man the the owner of the place I go in and he um and I tell him hey look I'm not from here I come from Grand Rapids and I'm letting him know the whole situation right and he tells me um he was he looks at me for a second like he kind of freezes you know I'm always talking I'm talking to me no he first tells me we have no spots so um so he ends up telling me we have no spots at the moment and I'm already like oh man like where am I gonna sleep like those things are eating me alive it just stopped so you're good so so then um so I'm over here afraid and afraid but I was kind of caught I knew I got myself in this situation so it's like I kind of had to prepare myself to like well this is what you get like now you're going to yeah okay so now we're gonna have to deal with this and um he looks at me for a second and this was after he just told me there's no space right so he looks at me and he just freezes for a second and I'm just like like what's happening like you're looking at your paper you just told me there's no room so he's like can you wait out and um like out at the gazebo or whatever you know like the little thing with shade um is that's what it's called right yeah okay I was hoping yeah yes you can sit there and just chill so I went to go sit there right and I waited um couple minutes a good couple minutes passed by he comes out and grabs me and he's you know he's having me explain my situation in depth so he's asking me you know where am I from how old am I what's my name this and that what brings me there and whatever and I told him how it was just I just felt like I needed to go there like I wanted to and this and that which wasn't true I went there out of pure wanting to escape my problems at home so it definitely was like a karma like a bite in me and so we get inside and the first thing he asks me is do you believe in God and at this moment of my of my self-development I purely believed in the universe that's what God was to me God was this cosmic this cosmic just just of everything like every particle was just this this bright little like it was just it was in my head it was just so beautiful I couldn't even explain it but that's what God was to me yeah so I'm here like oh like God is everything God is me God is this God is every single thing that there's particles there's everything is living but doesn't move not everything has the ability to move but all if you were to grab a magnifying glass or a telescope or telescope or whatever and look at this you know that's how I perceived everything so when I saw angel numbers and and something was like oh well this means that this is a time of growth and this and that and I believed in those so heavily because it showed it's kind of proof like it was like huh this this number means this and this is where I'm at in my life okay that's weird and it makes a exact sense so I used to just base everything off of that and when he um after he asked me that I straight-up told him and I'm not gonna lie and got in God's name I'm not gonna even when I when I when I talked to um to followers of Jesus Christ I feel bad sometimes because I'm like I don't know any like I don't know um any of like any of like anything of the scriptures you know so I'm like I don't want to like misquote anything and every time I do speak like not ill about any other religions but just my mind kind of goes like and it kind of like oh no and I'm just like okay let's not get rude about it you know let's not get rude about it let's let's be respectful and so like I'll internally I'm always respectful with it but I straight-up told him like no like I don't believe in God you know cuz I'm not gonna lie on God's name and I had that much respect for it so I'm like oh I think this guy you know means something else so I'm not I I don't want to say oh yes I do you know um wait if you didn't believe in God why did you care about lying on God's name if he didn't exist because it's the respect that somebody else genuinely believed it that someone else puts their whole life on to that so even if I do not believe it I know that someone else does so I don't ever want someone to be around me and be like oh man well God is really doing this and I'm gonna be like bro shut up you know I'm gonna be like oh like that was beautiful like that was beautiful and in my head every time I would be like I don't really believe it you know cuz that's you know I used to be like that like I don't I don't know and then I would always correct myself right no no let's not say that man let's be respectful you know let's still listen let's still accept that this man wants to pray for us even though we don't believe in it like he's gonna pray for us we'll just bow our heads and just remember you gotta you know just just listen to him and see and hear hear what he's saying so like I was never really close to it I just I mean we prayed at Chili's yeah yeah yeah you know so like oh but even then like I was still a godly man just not a religious man cuz that's what I thought I needed to be was a religious person instead of having a connection with God himself I think I was like a little lukewarm back then too right yeah so like and that was actually in one of like a more difficult time of my life so that was pretty crazy to you know be in that moment too with you guys yeah um so after that man tells me that we end up on here's a Tony he has a spot for me and then um that night oh you're right you're right you're totally right that's the best part so after he asks me if I believe in if I believe in God we can cut this out I can cut this Chris is uncle of the year let me tell you so much health this entire time I really used to doing so much and I was like I'm just chillin I just like I felt bad doesn't like dang I should be like mom and more but like yeah I need to stop drinking this water but it's so good I so um so after he asked me if I believe in God and I reply no he pauses for like a minute and he just looks at me and he's like well he believes in you and I think that's kind of like he asked you if you believed in yourself you told me yeah you told me he said that no he asked if I believe in God and I told him no and then he said well he believes in you so that was like for real and he was like we'll make room for you and this is like I had like I didn't have to accept of course I could just like oh no that's weird you know but I was like like okay there's something else now like now there's like like the fact that he just said that it's like like hmm there's something you know like there's something I'm not understanding yet there's something I don't have a connection with yet and then um and anyway I'm just kidding so um is your phone and Christopher yeah named after Christopher Columbus for some reason my grandma just loved that man but then I heard what he did and everything and I'm like what the heck girl like did you just not like focus on history like why that's why I want to do my name change because they named me you know in without understanding why they named me that that's crazy I know but hey she may not have known but God knew okay this has to be Chris so I'm just gonna put this in there I know this dude was a agnostic or whatever like I guess his family like none of them believe in God or nothing like that but they named him Elliot and his name literally means God saves or something like that yeah or no the Lord is my God or something like that something like that yeah they're like okay look we don't believe in this but look man it's gonna be your name right it's gonna be amazing it's gonna be the best name but um where did you leave off so um God believes in you yeah so he told me God believes in me that night I could even sleep it was the floor was so cold I wish I woke up shivering like crazy I remember just trying so hard to put all these layers all these you utilize whatever was left that I had just to stay warm and I remember just going back to sleep and just oh man especially after I got warm and I calmed myself down like I literally had to keep talking myself like bro relax okay and I kept having to go like this and I just giving myself that like like reassurance like bro yeah that comfort like it's all right man like you're good like you see you look at how smart you are man like you think you think other you think other people would have just done that some people probably wouldn't have done that they probably just kept suffering but you knew what you had at the moment and you used it so I kept just reassuring like bro you're good you're good you could just like I was sure I was that was such a hectic night I can't even imagine because I already told you like the other day when it was like 66 degrees in here and I was like I literally can't do anything when it's cold like when I'm cold I literally just can't like I can't do anything I have to just lay there and just like yeah it feels like that sometimes it's crazy and it's um and they the they also they also gave me a little lunch a lunch box or a lunch bag with like all these little pastries all these other snags all these other like little chicken strips and all this type of stuff before I left and I forgot it and then they literally called me back like they drove me back and then to grab it and we grabbed it and we they dropped me off at the train station I mean at the bus station and then I was on the bus for like a day or two or a day yeah it was a good day how does faith play in that situation for you like did you like how how are you like feeling like were you motivated to get out of that situation or were you just like like depressed like did you ever have times or just like I know like I'm getting out of the situation or did you ever like think about God like after like you know after he said that like did that make you think about God like like I don't know where was your head at during that time like the process of that I definitely don't think that I I thought about I don't think I thought about God because I was still very fixated on just specifically using the universe because when I think when I every time that I would use God I would think of just Jesus Christ and that's it and I'm like but I'm not a Christian so I can't do that I have to say the universe I have to allow I have to allow myself to have this image of it where it's where it's what at least my mind in the moment can conceive but because I didn't want to I didn't want to like stick a stamp in my head of this is who God is and I was and with my relationship with past like you think with past relate like with religion overall in my with my past it was just it was not good at all so it was kind of like a like a push kind of thing I'm like no like all right like if people are telling me God and they tell me Jesus I can't do it and I would always get so like it was like I was I was worse back then because I would get irritated I'd get mad I would get very uncomfortable and now it's like I just got to still find that comfort and find that understanding and be like still be open to like accepting what other people believe and what other people see and what other people feel how they feel because I still believe deeply that like I needed to go through that that was God gave me that specifically that's why I could I just always never thought I could be part of community because I thought that the community also themselves as a collective thought that they needed like everyone is going through these similar circumstances they're all doing the exact same thing I don't know my mind was so fixated it unlike in the weird way back then like the way I thought about it and everything but faith definitely played out because I I don't I don't feel like I was panicking like it was weird it's like my instincts played a huge role because I just had faith that this is what I would this is where I was supposed to be this is what I was supposed to this is right now this is what's real is now you know I remember closing my eyes and just touching a palm tree for the first time I'm like just being there I'm like bro just like I almost I was like like in my head I had the voice in back my head like bro think about how weird you look like you're just touching a tree and people are like what's wrong with that you know you're just you're just like with your eyes closed but I was gonna remove it right I was gonna remove it and I'm like nah bro put both of your hands on no for real maybe you're here and we don't know why but you're here so it was it nobody was really close to the Florida but um I kind of knew like it's so I I knew that the universe was trying to tell me something you know and in this case no you got no more no I don't literally 2 30 a.m. you guys and we've been up since like 9 8 9 oh crap no we can keep going though oh okay well I'm almost done with this I'm good I'm good I keep yawning for no reason yeah but I'm awake I'm not I'm not over here like okay yes all right this one is quicker because it's it was literally quick so um a day before my three-year relationship ended this was when when me and her we were already working things through we're already you know understanding each other and it was like three years in but we're already understanding how to communicate you know how can I tell her this or how can you know like we were already kind of getting into the groove of things of like me understanding okay dude you as the boyfriend you as the man you know there's you're gonna have to kind of put your big boy pants on now bro like you guys been with we were living with her mom for like a year yeah like a year or so and um I wasn't saving up money we didn't do anything we we we went across state to work with her dad where I was making like 1700 a week and I kind of blew the money because I wanted to go to California because we had like 10 grand or like 8 grand each and that was a good chunk of money to be like yo you know we can go try something if it don't work we can just we can just go straight back home but that's what you know she didn't want to do that and she just wanted to go back to Michigan and me I was already like but I want to go pursue this and I want to do that and I want to do that and when she said she didn't want to I changed all of my plans so that I can benefit I can go into her plans whatever she wanted to do so I ended up idiotically just wasting all my money because I was just sad at the fact that I would never be able I would never be able to pursue my dreams you know just how I was feeling at that moment like that was my only chance because I went there with her to work with her and her dad like so so we came back to Michigan and it was a lot it was it was really rocky for the next the next year and then the year after that we kind of started to really get we started get smarter at this this whole love thing you know this and we probably both still had our own little misconceptions and everything but it was kind of like I don't know like we were getting there and and I remember there was an on a night that we left my sisters and I was and now my I was still kind of more into the whole universe thing but God universe thing but I it's like so I was still into that and it was different though at that time but my faith was so strong still so it wasn't like it wasn't like oh no I have control over my life this and that it's like I kind of knew there was a higher pop I knew there's a higher power so it was leaning less from just this cosmic thing to like a God form kind of thing I just didn't know what the image is I don't know what to look at and so then I I knew there was a higher power I knew that something was behind the door really trying to assist me in a sense you know like really trying to steer me in a way that it's like hey I'm trying to help you and so that that there was a that that that night I remember crying to her and letting her know like I feel like there's something within me that wants to release itself like there's a part of me that no longer wants to be stuck anymore and I was like and I'm not speaking about this relationship and this and that I just feel that there's something I'm not allowing myself internally to do and I felt so strong like I was crying and I was letting her know like even with my sisters like and I was telling her with herself too and I'm like like everything right now is just I don't it's beautiful but it's something in my body isn't like it's just you say you think it's like I can feel it clawing itself like trying to reach out like it's it doesn't want to keep staying stuck anymore and I remember she um I I told her I needed some time with myself for a second so I remember just um and we're already outside of her house so you know I took her back inside and this and that and I kiss her whatever and she was like well I'm probably gonna go speak so I'm tired I'm like no I got you and so we didn't argue it wasn't like an argumentative thing or anything that happened it was just more yeah like like a knee-jerk kind of like oh you know like um I was just feeling the power you know within myself like I was feeling like something was trying to really get to me and really help me understand something within myself and within everything else and and I remember just praying for the first time like in a way where I'm like I'm just thanking God like and I didn't it didn't I didn't really hesitate because I think I did say like God like I was like like father like thank you for everything thank you for the moment with like all my cousins and thank you for the moment with my families and thank you the moment thank you for the moments that helped help me build myself up and thank you for like this beautiful woman that I like get to spend like I feel like I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with and thank you for everything that you've been trying to teach me and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to like really like practice those things or like if I'm not doing it right but I genuinely appreciate like and I'm grateful for everything that like that you you're giving me and the things that you will be giving me down the road that you know are best for me and um the way this miracle works is crazy because I just thanked God for everything that I had and it wasn't and it's weird because the next day is when everything gets broken apart like I just think I just thanked you for everything that you gave me through these three years and you just took it like it was nothing and I didn't feel like I lost anything that's like I already knew like I knew I'm like are you sure like really like this is what you this is what this is what's supposed to happen and like yeah I had my moment for a second where like eventually after me like me and her weren't together anymore like I you know I couldn't sleep and I felt like you know like I lost my other half like we were together for three years I experienced stuff with her that like I never got to do work in a different state and do all this other stuff trying new foods and maybe getting a little bit too comfortable and everything and then to like to like see it crumble down within one prayer like kind of new and then like I already knew like mmm like so there's more to this damn that's crazy when I said there's more to this do you have another battery or no sadly no I know a good conversation like we keep talking like I can literally black screen who cares at least I can still hear all right okay it's only gonna black screen on YouTube and I can literally still post it on like Spotify podcast yeah oh exactly so that's just crazy to think of that though and it's like it's like it's like it's like I felt like my faith was challenged like it was like yeah everything you just said that you wanted everything that you just were grateful for is not here no more sorry how how how strong is your faith like how grateful are you gonna be for for are you still grateful for the times that like I just prayed for all the times that I don't know of you know of like all the trials and tribulations like I was and I was crying when I was praying like I was I was crying I was bawling my eyes out and I was just like like I don't know even when I was explaining to her how there was something within me and I it looked like she didn't understand what I meant like she didn't know and it's like what you can't you know you can't explain that kind of thing to people when like that's the power of God yeah when he like he he makes his presence not known through physically but when emotionally you feel like there's something more that's trying to come out that's trying to make you understand that like hey there's a there's a part of yourself that you've been neglecting you know for way too long and like I think of that when I told her when when I when I asked this girl if I should if I should you know or like if we could if we could do this or if we could do that like if I had no sense of control over what is it that I want what do I want and that kind of helped me see that though it kind of helped me simple well Chris what do you want what do you want to do you know what is it that you're what you're focused on you know and that's from the from the physical aspect you know that that again yeah that spiritual aspect there's yeah there's certain things I'm I don't have control over they're gonna they're gonna work its way through and it's gonna happen when it needs to and I'll get what I need to and it's right time and I just have to accept that it was a blessing in disguise because like the way she was like you like how you were talking about the cookie and like all that yeah like imagine it's like God answered your prayer even though it wasn't like how you wanted it like it's like to me I'm like if I was God I'm like dang he just thanked me for this girl and like I don't want him to get his heart broken shattered later on so I'll let him like go down easy you know it's not easy but it's like it's better than if you actually were to like yeah propose and like spend money on a ring and like all this stuff going spend all this money and like just crazy stuff and like he just saved you some from so much more like in wasted time wasted money wasted energy you know that that whole quickie thing no I agree that whole quickie thing was the our second shot so after we were supposed to be done and over with I end up oh yeah we'll try it we'll try it again you know we try to get together again and I think we were probably together for like two months probably but that whole time I couldn't forgive myself for what I did can you explain the cookie thing for those that don't know but like so EG like you know so when we broke up and we were trying to become friends we truly couldn't yeah I guess yeah like we were already like we were friends we really weren't friends we were just two people that ended up rushing into something we didn't understand because we're like oh well you know we don't need like we're gonna go past the friend stage you know and so we passed that we passed the whole friend stage and everything we passed the whole friend stage and everything and then we um yeah we kind of just got into a relationship and the whole thing with that um after we were friends for a bit you know talking and everything hanging out or whatever we ended up um getting you know trying we're like you know what I don't think this might work we'll just get back together no I know that's why I don't need her together no more though so it's okay and so she we end up getting back together trying you know just trying to work things out trying to make things work and everything and then you know she comes over one day and we're watching we're watching The Shining um it's a horror film and so we're chilling for a bit and then you know all of a sudden she's like hey you know we should like oh we should like do a quickie or whatever and I'm just I'm like I thought you came over to watch this movie like this is a scary movie I'm into it like I'm trying to like I'm invested you know I'm trying to see what happens um so then you know I mean I kind of I kind of fall right behind her and that was that was her deciding factor is to whether or not she she wants to if she's really if this is something she wants to keep if this is something that she's willing to fight for you know if this is what she's like because she didn't understand how I felt she don't understand that like I haven't forgiven myself for anything that I've done because I didn't want to hurt people and I and I hurt people okay but that's just horrible like I just can't imagine how you felt and it's so it's so empty it's so empty the thing that she's with the thing that she said after um I'm hoping this is PG but she said I like when you please yourself inside but it's just weird because it's like you don't say that you just don't say you just don't like my brain is like what does she mean by that yeah like after she said that I it felt empty her words were just hollow because it's like that just shows where your heart is and like like what am I really to you yeah after three years I mean I don't know after my wrong but so is she yeah and I don't put that against her I'm like no like it's cool like it happens and if she loved you like really how she said she didn't like like she would be willing to actually forgive you and like not only like forgive you but like walk that journey of you forgiving yourself like she would walk that with you yeah cuz she called me one night like you know I'm human too you know I have feelings and this and that and then I'm over here like just streaming just I was I was just streaming a lot when we tried it again because I was my escape I couldn't bear seeing you because I hurt you so bad and I've seen you cry in a way that I never thought I'd be able to make someone cry to make you feel like you're nothing like I've grown up feeling like I'm nothing why would I want you to feel like that and I made you feel like that so what do you think I feel you know how do you think like I like I'm sorry I don't know how to I don't know how to heal this I don't know how to go through this because I've just been this has been done to me my whole life and I just did it to someone else and now I and I'm already wise enough to look at myself and be like you messed up it was okay you messed it up and that's fine now you what are you gonna do what are you gonna do next time and I'm like bro I don't ever want to do something like that again I don't blame you I don't blame you I think it was like both parts it takes two to tango Chris like you oh yeah it's not your fault like the way she even was like in the way no I I get that yeah yeah mistakes but it's also just like she wasn't the same she wasn't an angel yeah but a saint or angel like no one she was neither yeah how we just hurt each other in love because we don't try to but it's like you don't have an awareness of the ways that you were either as a child or like what you're feeling from all that stuff you're naturally just gonna put that on to somebody else and if you don't have the awareness you can't communicate about it and so it's just like hurt that goes untalked about and that builds like resentment dang yeah from both sides yeah I know this all too well yeah because yeah she had daddy issues she like she had her own things and it's like yeah how are you gonna react to that like do you even think of like how are you gonna look at men how are you gonna treat men right I'm gonna treat yourself because of certain you know like even with me I've been raised by my mom so I'm very emotional you know I've just I've been more in tuned and more focused on my creative aspects and my emotional side I remember when I first told my dad what do I do someone pushes me he said you punched him I don't know what the heck you mean by punch so what do you think I'm gonna do you know like I'm like it's just we're giving these tools sometimes in these circumstances that yes some of us we just do not have control over and so yeah we do something so messed up we're like oh now you got to wake up from it like now you got to really check yourself and be like oh crap like yeah what's not you know after everything caught up I was like dude that is insane and it was right after I prayed everything fell down that was the most insane part yeah I can a beginner relationship because it was so rocky me I heard and and the thing is is that that's all she would want is that she would just want that and that's it and it's like that's all I thought I was good for so I'm like oh so I can get that from anyone and then I'm here I'm here literally under underdeveloped mentally and emotionally because I'm like oh I'm just that I'm just a guy that comes over in snow storms and in rainy days that will give you that because that's all you want it's so crazy hearing like a guy say that because I felt like that for so long when I you know used to live doing those things mm-hmm so I'll be trying to tell girls not all men are the same not all women are the same man some men don't like doing that kind of stuff it'd be man that that just lives on my consciousness I mean oh my gosh there's on my conscience right yeah like yeah like yeah here and there I mean I'm not as much I'll be saying I don't be thinking about it now but like yeah there'd be times where I'm like dang I don't ever want to treat people like that you know little triggers or something will come out of nowhere and I'm like yeah I'm happy I'm not that guy anymore because I do not want to do that again I'm not want to have to put my I don't want to put myself in that situation yeah you know I don't want to make somebody feel like that I don't I don't want to feel like that you know cuz that took a while and my sister used to always tell me it's gonna take you forever to heal Chris you're gonna you're never gonna be done healing this and that whatever and she was just tell me in the most brutal way and I remember a year after she just saw me in a different light she's like how did you do it I'm like maybe I just started to just not care because there's nothing I can do from with what's already done I just know now I'm building myself up to become someone better where I'm not treating people like that where I'm not doing people dirty or any of that because it was just as old old old programs that were subconsciously in my mind that were just nesting there just it was like I was on like on autopilot in a sense how did like God use that situation to like I mean I know you just were talking about it but like not only like grow you but like how did he turn like the negative situation for good and I don't know like do you have any revelations now that like I don't know like I know you learned like not to do it again but like what have you like really learned from like all of it like not just the cheating or the you know whatever but just like everything to like sleeping on the bench and just like has it has he revealed anything about yourself to you through all of those I never truly believed that I was worthy of doing anything but you're literally so good at everything like you are such a talented like sweet kind human being but where I'm around like where I was raised up around they definitely didn't show me that you know people would I would argue with like family members and they would always be like what do we think you're trying to be right I'm like I'm not trying to be right you just don't want to be wrong I don't mind not being right like I don't mind being wrong I'm just trying to share my perspective and then I want to hear what do you have to say what do you believe oh why you gotta say me like that you you know you trying to be smart like no I'm gonna ask you a question and I'm a young little kid doing this so they they're definitely gonna be like oh he has a smart mouth on him it's like no he just knows how to speak so they would always portray me to be this kind of disobedient yeah smart talk back uh-huh and it would kind of it ruined my own image and I feel like God kind of showed me that it's like you got it like you got this like they abuse their age their age and authority over you to like they abuse it yeah I got a flex like it's really not a flex because like in God's eyes we're literally the same mm-hmm and that's why we should both treat each other with respect and kindness and like listen to each other and not not that like adults or parents have to like do whatever but like I know that we're supposed to like respect them and obey them but it's also just like don't not only does the word say don't provoke your childhood anger but also just like don't tear them down just because you can and like disregard everything they say just because they're younger than you are yeah and my mom sometimes like I even noticed that like I also have to say I also had to like take like self-accountability like I had to be like like I have to start taking accountability to like ways I was ways I thought you know like ways I treated people like way that treated myself which were the reason why I treated people that way because it's like hurt people hurt people that was just a hurt little kid yeah but everybody was telling me no you just want to be the center of attention and I'm like okay like I'm not gonna tell you my emotions because you just don't want to hear it but I feel like he's that he that was like a revelation for me of like I really truly never just that I think that's why I like to be alone so much because then it challenges me to have to lean on just myself lean on myself and lean on God and just and just know everything every single thing is gonna work out because for some reason it always does and every time someone's going through something hard I always tell them I'm like isn't it weird that regardless of how you feeling right now it's still gonna work out and next you know they're just like what do you mean I was like you're gonna think of this later on and you're like man I remember I was feeling like that that's crazy because then now I'm not feeling like that and I can see a whole different world and it's like you and then what do they do they stop their own blessings from coming because they say no uh no no is such a powerful word yeah cuz you just you stop every single thing and I feel like you you can even stop from what God is trying to give you and you just like no no no then you're just gonna get that you're gonna just feel like everything has been no for so long and I feel like that's kind of how I felt and it's crazy cuz yeah that's why even when people would tell me like oh man you're a good dancer and that used to be like oh like no like I'm alright you're a better dancer I would always just I would I would just put it straight to them oh man I like the way you do this all thank you man but you do this way better that's crazy I didn't know you can do it like that and I started realizing that by myself I feel like those trips really gave me that man I found that Myers I mean I found the target and the Walmart without even a Jeep without you without a GPS because I didn't want to use my phone I just looked and I was like huh there's a lot of cars over there there might be a store over there cuz that doesn't like it's a highway what how did I get that reference from from the observations that I would make from what I'm in Grand Rapids you know Alpine and I'm thinking of all these streets and it's like dude your instincts are good cuz then what did I find when I went down there I found exactly what I needed a target you aim I shot and then and I got the target so it was it was weird cuz it was like there we go but definitely it was that all all of it all of it teached me like bro you just got to lean you gotta lean on God you gotta lean on yourself too man you gotta like that's why I feel like yeah there's just like this 50-50 kind of thing cuz it's like bro you still need to believe in you at least for the most part believe in God know that God is here with you but you gotta also know it all starts also when you allow yourself permission to grow when you allow like you can you can allow God to change to bring change into your life but if you say hey God bring me all the change that is required for me to be a better person and then like bring it but I'm gonna be over here and I'm just gonna be cooped up for a little bit I'm just gonna be up in this little box and whenever I'm ready I'll come out and I expect whatever you want me to do in life what you want is gonna be right here everything you say like everything this is always biblical the stuff you say and you don't even know it Chris the word says faith without works is dead speaking to my soul right yeah but I'm not gonna lie we kind of have to wrap this up because we're pushing two hours thank you for having us on here that was fun yeah I enjoyed that amazing conversation you be speaking I know this podcast was a little bit all over the place and we were like talking about everything but I just really pray that this like blesses someone and like God speaks to somebody somebody that may need encouragement so thank you guys so much for watching if you haven't already please like comment subscribe and share the Instagram is we are planted ministry the tick-tock is we are planted people the YouTube channel is called planted and I'm hoping to get this up on Spotify so we will see how everything goes but I will have all the social media links in the description thank you guys so much for watching and I will see you guys in the next episode bye guys