Episode 2 - Sam

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Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and do it again. It's good to know you got that in the back pocket. I don't know why it does not, but give it the old college try. Maybe stick to Luigi, buddy. Well, Luigi is going to win. I honestly, I thought this was a Bakugan podcast, so. He did. He split the risk. Yeah, exactly. That's hilarious. One of my favorite things. Nope. Oh, one quick question. Where exactly are we going to do this? Nope. Oh, one quick question. Where exactly are we starting from? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Can I try and investigate what's going on here? What's happening? Perception, eh? I was really hoping to do, oh, never mind. Nat 20 on perception. Let's go. Oh, wait, what did we say? Regular, regular, regular rolls. Something like that. Hmm. Nice. Okay. Fire Elemental is still here, right? Okay. Oh, wait. Yeah, welcome to the club, Mordred. You guys, I... Guys, I think it's time I told you something. I have pretty good reason to believe that I've only got about six days left to live. Yeah, so it's kind of why I left and kind of why I came back, and it's sort of why I'm here now, and I'm pretty sure that I've got six days to live, yeah. That's... No, that's what the druid fucking showed me. He gave me 11 years, 2 months, and 12 days. Six days left. I hate this druid. I didn't want to know this. He showed me. It was real. I saw it. I saw it. I know. I'm not entirely sure. I saw my body in the woods. I was dead, and I knew the date. Six days from now. No. Yeah, please remind me. Right. I was leaning back against a tree with a giant hole in the middle of my chest. That's all I know. Sort of just like a big fucking hole, Idaho. I can't... I can't explain it any more than I already have. I just know. I know it's true. He showed me, and I've never known anything with more certainty in my life. We are... Well, I was in a forest. Well, look, Sarah, I didn't exactly plan to come to this forest, but here I am. I had both my arms. You're not cutting off one of my arms. Thank you. See, Sarah at least is not trying to take off body parts. Some choir boy you are. I went through a traumatic experience a fucking decade ago. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, what is that about? What, did somebody find you, finally give you a letter grade for living life? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, we got here a bit earlier than you, buddy. You've been here long enough to fail at life, hey? Just don't put an F on any of them. Is that our... Is that our good friend, Micelle? Mordred, meet Micelle. Yeah. Yeah, he... He helped us fight an air elemental and he took a full lightning bolt right to the dome. That's true. Okay. So another quick note for you, Mordred. You see those mountains over there? They don't get closer when you walk toward them. And we're trying to figure out how the hell we're gonna get over to those mountains. We do have to. There was a really useless badger there. It's okay, bud. Take a sec. Just take a minute. It's a lot to take in. Good line. Oh, that's funny. I think I called him good sir badger several times. Are you the badger? That just sounded a lot like an offended badger to me. I don't know. Yeah. I have... Yeah, I have one, like, scribbled sheet, but I haven't been keeping track of badger names. I just didn't put a column in for that. Hmm, they did. Mordred, the badgers... The badgers left. All the animals left. We told them to get away because there was a fire elemental coming. I still think he might. I don't know. Was it a teacher? Honestly, Mordred, it's fine. Sometimes this stuff isn't so easy to make sense of. Yeah, we need to get to the mountains. We need to find the locusts. Most importantly, they're the only ones that can get to the mountains. So, somehow, we gotta find them before we find them. And that's gonna be interesting. Mordred, quick question. How do you feel about lighting the forest on fire? Yeah. Banging two sticks together is not a ruckus, Mordred. We've been over this. I guess that's true. That's how it goes. Do you have a better idea? We need to disrupt the forest. You're our druid. Help us out. Okay. It's worth doing that first, yeah. I think if you can make a big enough illusion, What about... Are there any animals here you can summon? Do they have any ferrets nearby? I don't know. I mean, he's got you there. Seriously, dude. Have a little class. Okay. He's not a very good druid. Sorry. That's true. To be fair, don't... He's been through a lot lately. He's got an F on his life, and he's having a tough day. Okay. We need help finding the locusts. That's what these guys are trying to say. We want to stop them. The only way... Those are the ones with the horns. The only way we've been given is to somehow disrupt the forest, and we don't want to hurt the forest. Or any other way. We especially don't want to hurt you or your friends. Try that. See? The way you've said that actually is making me a little worried about it. You know, I was going to say that you were my favorite ferret that we've met so far, but you're kind of creeping me out a little. Yeah, tell the good cop. I'll even plug my ears. How do we kill the wolf? I don't know. Maybe ferrets. He's just... That was a... That was a weird ferret, guys. I don't really see that we have a choice. We gotta go check out the stream, but, like... Well, having recently become well-acquainted with talking animals, I find this one highly sus. Mordred, you good to go? You need a bit of a rest? Come on, guys. Let's make sure Mordred's good to go here. He's had a lot to take in. He's had his world shattered twice, and he got an F. Would you like us to try and heal your F? Okay. Yeah. What kind of monster would do something like that, eh? Yeah, me neither. Nobody's fighting. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I seem to take it on faith that we're going the right way. Oh. Actually, I thought it was more like, Riggedy-riggedy-roll. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, you rolled a one. Okay. Okay. It's sort of like a lake, but even wetter. Okay. Well, I wasn't thirsty, but now that you guys are all talking about it... I'm gonna go ahead and listen to Mordred on this one. It's true. Wait, Mordred, wait, please. What did you find? Yeah, well, look, not all of us can be so cavalier with our lives. Some of us are going to hell, choir boy. Oh, I, yeah. I mean, probably, yeah. Oh, great. God, that was not the consequence that I was intending. This magical universe also super big on Abrahamic religions. That was so straight. That's hilarious. Good luck with that. Thank you, Idaho. I actually do turn very yellow when their leaves change. I was actually like, good job. You picked a yellow tree. I mean, we may as well go for it. But all I know is I'm not drinking any of that water. Sure. That's what I was saying. That's all I wanted. Seems like pretty. Yeah. High fives all around. Guys, can we just, can we, can we just go, can we go find this wolf? Can we go find this wolf? That was beautiful. Oh, I'm not playing this game. Yeah, say something nice about me. I'll take, yeah, I'll think about that. That's nice. One more nice thing, please. Figures. All right, sure, buddy. That's going to be a three from me. No, you went, that was perfect. No, it was awesome. Don't, it was good. Yeah. No, I actually thought it was funny. It's okay. Yeah, exactly. Feelings are complicated. You can be mad at me and also want help finding your sister. It's like, it's okay. I'm a simple man. What the fuck? The fuck? Does that mean we've all failed at life? It's got fucking magical syphilis, Mordred, you could have told us. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, great. Can we go kill this wolf now, please? I was just absent to tell it like this. Thank you. No, I think I'm hands free for my bow. If I weren't holding a bow and arrow, I would. No, 21. Yeah. Idaho, what do you got there, buddy? Are you here to save the world? No, I was. Just a little M. Night Shyamalan reference right there. Oh God. Oh, that's great. That's excellent. Okay. Yeah, how exactly are you going to help us, Sir Stick? Idaho, I really genuinely think you're expecting a little too much of a stick. I say we just head down the path. May as well bring him. Maybe he's got some advice. Has the wolf killed any of the people that tried to take you through the forest before? Huh. How far do you think you could throw on? That's fair. Can we move on? Trying to figure out how the hell he was going to cut around all this bullshit. But that's part, we always do that a little bit. Okay. Do any of these roads look more traveled by? He's gone. That's the best magic trick I've ever seen. Ooh, shoddy knot. It's a good thing you're back, Christian. We were going to make Carlos take over as DM. Ah. Yep. I was going to say, is there one of those paths less traveled by, perhaps? How do you feel about investigation? Hell yeah. That's a six, so nothing crazy. Okay. That's true, Bobby freezed. I don't know, that doesn't sound quite right. Can anyone, can anyone tell which one's less traveled by? They look the same to me. Can anyone tell which one's less traveled by? Okay. That feels like metagaming. Can anyone tell which one's less traveled by? Christian. Honestly? Absolutely. Like I'm pretty sure Christian is getting robbed right now. Yeah, exactly. We can't hear you. You need to change your input. Definitely. Yes, sir. Yeah. Wait, which one? You're a terrible guide. No, no, that's the best joke of the podcast. That's funny. That's funny. It just, it just fits. It's just for some reason it's perfect. Yeah, that somehow hates dogs. He runs a dog grinding factory. What? Whammy. I'll be right back. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why not? Should we flip a coin? Yeah, sure. Why not? Why not left? Why not right? Why not left? So we can tell we're back at the same intersection. Well, should we... Guys, can we... I hate this fucking stick. Can we throw this, burn it, or can I whittle it? Can I whittle the stick? Listen to what you're saying. It's a stick. It's a stick. It's a stick. It's a stick. It's a stick. It's a stick. Yeah, whatever. May as well give it a go. Finally we're on the same page. Let's go. Let's do it. Where are we going to get the rest of the sticks to make up the bundle? Yeah, that seems like the right move. Guys, could we... Yeah. No. I definitely kind of want to kill the stick. Tell me about your family. What's your rose bud? What about... I could try with Deception. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Let's do it. Can I try and remember? All right. That's a 16. It... Okay. So that gives me advantage? Okay. 16 it is. Just a touch more. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sarah, I was just thinking that. We need to split up. I think we need to split up, guys. I see two options. I have zero interest on barreling into those woods without a path. In this place, no way. I care too much about my last six days of life for that. I just did. No, I don't want to talk about it. We need to get out of these fucking woods. Then we can talk about it. Sure. As long as we can go right now. Why don't we flip a coin? Okay. What does that mean? Okay, Idaho. Come on, Paladin. Let's get out of here. Okay. Definitely not. Okay. Okay. Definitely not. Okay. Yeah, tell me more about that, Idaho. Please, go on. I'm basically just letting him talk himself out. I'm just along for the ride, just trying to say as little as possible, because I know he's going to fill the space. Yes. Ancestry. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. We're all on board with that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You did well. You ain't saving nothing. Okay. Okay. Okay. What am I feeling here, Christian? What did I notice? Nothing? Yes. Wisdom roll. That's always a tough one. Okay. I got a six and a 16, so 16 is what stands. Oh, there we are. Well, it's the same. Isn't that the same thing? I thought I just clicked wisdom instead of clicking the save intro. Okay. Okay. That's a 14, I suppose. Just give me a second. One time when I was in the Great Stave, the sparrows, they made me rob this woman, this old woman. And we were in the middle of lifting out her jewelry, and, well, she came in the room. And I didn't really think about it. I just reacted. But I pushed her and she fell back down the stairs and she died. And that night I wrote to everyone, to you, to everyone. Nobody ever wrote me back. Oh. I think I got to go in for a hug. As we're hugging, I kind of shake my head a little bit, and I realize that something feels very, very wrong with this. Well, I'm going to look. Who the hell is that? Superior dark vision. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say, was it you that just tried to charm us? Well, I suppose I should thank you. Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years. Are you going to kill us, Mr. Wolf? A full-on shiver goes up Doran's spine. It worked. Success. Like, don't worry about it. By the way, I'm manipulating you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, it may not. Hmm, let's see. Ooh. No! You could say the Psychic Wolf is in a dire situation. Okay. Okay. Oh, snap! She just said it. That was so vicious. That was a good snarl. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You're a chemical engineer. Oh, what holds guests? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I gave Idaho a hug. How did it go with you guys? Wow. Hey, myself. Two names big, yeah. So for those listening, that means he could probably fit in a baby Bjorn. Or like a bread box, maybe. Do you know where the wolf went? Good job, guys. Wait, that one didn't work. Hold on. I'm going to use my superior dark vision here to have a look around. Are we still at this damn crossroads? What do I see around me? Okay. Okay. Which way do we go? Okay. Okay. I don't know. Guys, can we just go to sleep? Okay. That's a great tantrum. Do you eat wolf? Do all paladins eat wolf? I've never eaten a wolf. Are you here, dude? I've never eaten a wolf. Okay. Come on. That's got to be worth something. We're going the opposite direction we think we should be. Speak, friend, and enter. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We just need a horse. Hey, you. Yeah. I mean, if the road less traveled by isn't either of the two paths in front of us, We just need to go off into the woods. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Idaho, come back! Just leave us here and disappear. Okay. Okay. That I know the way. Well, I remember the path less traveled, too, then. Let me fade away. Okay. I love that. You know what? Why I was right from the beginning. This is one of those two halves make a hole, and then you climb through the hole, and like, yeah, this is bullshit. How do you know the way? You just got to remember that you know. Come on. That's true. Mm-hmm. Always fun. And I'm actually, like, I... Yeah, like, I have zero issue with puzzles being like that. I just need to know that it's possible for them to be like that. Now I do. So feel free to do whatever you want. Next thing is going to be the trolley problem, and the solution is just go untie them. Your DM hates you. Oh, that's true. Let's go to the mountain. Okay, you're right. We got to go to the mountain. Wait, if I go up and try and switch the signs around, Did they do some kind of fucking hijink Scooby-Doo bullshit? If I move the signs, the whole world folds over on itself. Inception style. Yeah. Some kind of Republican argument nonsense. That's true. Yeah. I mean, Idaho had a tough time, but it was pretty nice for me. And then when there's only one set of wolf prints in the sand is when the wolf is carrying you. Thank you. Okay. Nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like we were all going to do like a little catchphrase when we got a nat 20, and mine was going to be riggity, riggity, riggity, roll. I thought you were there for that. God, we should have told you about that, eh? Yeah. Should we should we stop? Should we stop recording? Okay.