They Call Me Mom - The Empty Chair (Episode 1)

The holidays can be difficult for those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, whether due to death, divorce, or estrangement. It's important to acknowledge and embrace our grief, as it is a natural response to loss. We can find comfort in spending time with God through meditation and prayer. It's okay to be sad and to seek support from others. Grief has different stages and everyone processes it at their own pace. There are tips for coping with grief, such as naming and acknowledging our feelings, keeping a journal, getting creative, taking care of our bodies, staying connected with loved ones, helping others who are grieving, and focusing on the presence of God. We may question why God allows certain things to happen, but he is with us in our pain and will eventually reveal the purpose behind it. It's important to adopt an attitude of gratitude and trust in God's plan. Welcome to Make Home Emo by our very dear friend and host, Deborah Wilson of Deb Wilson Ministries. For many of us, the holidays are anything but the picture perfect family gatherings that are portrayed on Hallmark or social media. For multiple reasons, there are those of us who are dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas this year because there will be an empty chair at the table. That empty chair represents loss, and whether that loss is the result of death, divorce, or estrangement, the reality is we are mourning, and grief can be excruciatingly painful. I know, I speak from experience. This will be my second Thanksgiving and Christmas without my estranged son. Last year, all I really wanted to do was spend the day alone. I wanted to stay curled up in the comfort of my warm bed and allow myself to embrace the depth of despair that lay just beneath the surface. I refused multiple invitations to dinner. Unfortunately, at the time I lived in a guest house behind two of my cousins, and they refused to accept my no. They insisted I get up, get dressed, and spend the day with them. In the end, I gave in to their demands, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. Maybe you're feeling that way today too, and if so, I understand. Every day without our loved ones is painful, but the holidays seem to magnify the loss. So whether you spend the day alone or surrounded by family and friends, just remember, it's okay to be sad. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It's a natural response to loss. If you're spending the day alone, I want to remind you that we are never really alone. God has promised that he will never leave us or forsake us. I once read a Christian book that was really life-changing for me. The book taught me to use my imagination to visualize myself with the Lord. Because of Eastern religions and the New Age movement, we tend to shun the spiritual practice of meditation, but by doing so, we're really missing an opportunity to make some precious memories with our Savior. King David understood the value of meditation, and he expressed it frequently in the Psalms. Meditation is simply the practice of being with God, spending quality time with Him without an agenda. It's quieting our spirits so that God can speak to us. Prayer should always be a two-way conversation. I was living at my grandmother's house at the time I read that book, and she had a screened-in porch with a swing. I used to take a pillow and go curl up on that swing, close my eyes, and pretend I was a young child laying my head in Jesus' lap. He would stroke my hair and lavish me with affirmations of His love for me. And in those moments with Him, I knew I was safe, no matter the circumstances in my life. I came to deeply understand the truth of the saying, when God is all we have, God is all we need. I'd like to challenge you to give this practice a try. Think of someplace that gives you comfort, close your eyes, and picture yourself as a child. Run into the arms of Jesus and allow Him to minister to you. As Christians, we're often afraid to acknowledge, much less fully experience, our pain. We hide our anger, our fear, and our heartbreak for fear of what others, and maybe even what God will think. But the God who created you in His image feels deeply. Don't run from your feelings and don't stuff them. It will only prolong the healing process. God already knows every thought and feeling that you're having. They don't take Him by surprise, and He is not shocked by your emotions. He can handle them, and you can be real with Him. I'm in the process of facilitating a course right now at my church that has really helped me understand so much about healthy emotions. In this course, things like death, divorce, a cancer diagnosis, they are described as the dark night of the soul. These aren't just trials. They are the crises that turn our world upside down. They are walls that only God can bring us through. They cause us to question ourselves and God. When we hit a wall, we have a choice. We can bounce off of it, in which case we will have to face it again, or we can surrender it to God, trusting Him, waiting on Him, remaining faithful in obedience when everything in us wants to try to control the situation ourselves. This year, even though I've come a long way from where I was last year, that empty chair is still a constant reminder that I cannot control the decisions that others make. Grieving the loss of someone who is alive but has chosen to walk away from us can be just as painful as losing someone who's passed away. At my lowest, I literally lay prostate on the floor and begged God to either take away the burden I felt or take me home. Outside of my faith, my entire identity had been wrapped up in being a mother. The sense of failure was overwhelming. Obviously, I'm still here. God didn't take me home. And while He didn't remove my grief, He did assure me that I would survive. Something shifted in me that day, and the deep despair I was feeling moved to acceptance. And while I continued to pray for reconciliation with my son, I surrendered control. I gave it to God. I know that whatever happens, He will sustain me. Years ago, the Lord told me that He would use the things that hurt me to help others. He said I would be able to minister with a heartfelt compassion that only comes through experience. Somehow, just knowing God could use my pain to help others gave me great comfort. It was very therapeutic. Sometimes we just need to know that something good can come from our suffering. I've seen God repeatedly keep that promise to me. We can find purpose in our pain. Many non-profit organizations are birthed in response to painful, personal experiences. My prayer today is that God will use this podcast to encourage you, to give you the hope that you need to hold on, one day at a time. We just have to make it through today, right? I've been a single mom since my son was three years old, and even before my divorce, my husband and I separated multiple times due to his addiction to alcohol and the verbal and emotional abuse that came with it. I've always been a people pleaser, but I had no idea I was so co-dependent. I didn't even really know what the term meant at that time. The conflict sends me into panic mode. My fight or flight instinct kicks in, and I run. I never really learned how to have a healthy, romantic relationship. I think deep down, I didn't feel I deserved one. I carried a lot of shame from my past, and having a child was the motivation I needed to clean up my act and return to my faith. I wanted to be someone that my son could be proud of when he grew up. In motherhood, I finally came to grasp and understand the concept of God's unconditional love. Maybe today you're experiencing the pain of a holiday without your child because of shared custody. I get it. You're probably feeling a mixture of emotions, such as anger, regret, or even fear about your child's safety when they aren't with you. It can be paralyzing. None of us enters marriage with the idea that divorce is an option. Your empty chair may represent both your child and your spouse. Again, I encourage you to fully allow yourself to explore and acknowledge your feelings to the Lord. Regardless of how long you've been separated or divorced, whether you wanted a divorce or not, you will grieve your marriage. Grief is not limited to death. Grief has five basic stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone processes through these stages at their own pace. Oftentimes, we have to revisit various stages. So don't let anyone make you feel like you should be further along in your journey. I'd like to share some great tips for understanding and coping with grief that I found on amwell.com. Their first tip is to name it and acknowledge that what you're feeling is grief. Whether you're sad, you're angry, or whatever, remind yourself that this experience is a natural part of the grieving process. Their second tip is to keep a journal. Writing your feelings of grief can help you feel better emotionally and physically. And later, it can serve as a reminder of how far you've come and allow you to see that God was with you in the process. I've personally found that writing out my feelings is very therapeutic. At times, I write letters I never intend to send, but just writing them helps me honestly express what I'm feeling. Their third tip is to get creative. For some people, creative outlets such as art and music are therapeutic, and others may find that talking with friends and family or joining a support group can be helpful. The next tip is to be kind to your body. The stress of grieving can impact your physical health. A healthy diet, physical activity, and plenty of sleep may help you feel better. The next tip is to stay connected. Reach out to loved ones and try to find activities that you enjoy. Isolation is a natural response to grief, but it's very important to stay connected. Otherwise, isolation can lead to despair. God created us for community. Next, help others who are also grieving. If you've lost a loved one, sharing stories and memories about your loved one with grieving friends or family can help all of you. And that's another benefit of support groups. Sometimes it's in helping others that we experience our deepest healing. And the last thing that they recommend is to focus on the presence. One of the struggles of grief is the sense of a loss of control. We cannot control the past or predict the future, but we can begin each day seeking the Lord for strength, comfort, and direction. My heart mourns for several of my friends today. At times I'm tempted to minimize my pain or even feel guilty about it when I consider what they're going through. I have several friends who have recently lost their children to the sting of death. One lost her son to cancer this year. Another lost her son to suicide. Another in a tragic auto accident. And I also know women who've lost children due to miscarriage. Lastly, I have a family member who lost her stepchildren due to a divorce. She loved those kids as if they were her own, and she has suffered tremendous grief. The list could go on and on, but whatever your circumstance is today, I am grieving with you and for you. Life throws some doozies at us, but that doesn't mean God doesn't love us. When life gets hard, it's easy for us to question why God allows certain things to happen. We quote scripture promises to him in defense of our logic. What we need to remember, though, is that the Word is full of tragedy. Great men and women of faith in the Word were molded in the fiery furnace of pain. God never promised us a life without pain. He promised to be with us in the midst of our pain, and he too is acquainted with grief. Satan often uses our pain to bring accusation against God. He will torment you with thoughts that raise questions about God's love and his goodness. Why did God allow this to happen? I can't answer that question for you. No one can except God, but I know this. Someday, maybe not even in this life, but in eternity, God will reveal the why, and like a beautiful piece of pottery, you will see how he turns ashes into beauty. He is the potter and we are the clay. Allow him to mold you into the image of his dear son who suffered more for us than we could ever comprehend. When the enemy tries to lie to you saying God has abandoned you or that he doesn't love you, remind him of the price that Jesus paid to reconcile you to God. Several years ago, I lost a good friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. When she first received her diagnosis, she was only given a 30% chance of survival. Two prominent treatment centers refused to treat her. They felt like her cancer was too far progressed to respond to any type of treatment. We prayed and thankfully she found a medical center that was willing to take her case. After surgery and aggressive chemotherapy, they were able to get her into remission and God extended her life by five years. During those years, I watched her faith blossom, finding a new depth in her relationship with Jesus. Her attitude was inspirational. Rather than asking why me, her response was why not me? Because each of us has a date with death. Donna was so grateful for the extra time that she got to spend with her family that she didn't allow bitterness to steal the time that she had left. I don't share her story to minimize your pain, but rather in hopes of inspiring you to adopt an attitude of why not me. Romans 8.18 shares Paul's attitude about suffering. He says, For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us. It's been such an honor to spend time with you today, but let's close our time together in prayer. Father, today is a hard day. In spite of the pain I'm feeling as I face my empty chair, I want to thank you for the many blessings that you've given me, including the love and the time I shared with the person that's represented by that chair. Lord, I thank you for each family that will listen to this podcast. I pray that you comfort them, strengthen them, and sustain them. I pray that hope would arise within them and that darkness would be overcome by the light of your love. Protect them from the lies of the enemy. Help them to recognize his voice and to discern the truth that you love them, you are with them, and they will survive this. Lord I pray that you surround them with loving friends and family who will hold them as they journey through their grief, allowing them whatever time they need to heal. Jesus, no one understands our pain the way you do. I'm so thankful that we can be authentic with you. We don't have to put on a front. We can bring our anger and our sorrow before you without fear of judgment. Lord, I surrender to your will. Use this process to grow the depth of my relationship with you. Use me to help others who are also suffering. I know that somehow you will use this for my good and your glory. In Jesus name I pray, amen.