podcast 2

Imagination can be wacky, but real life can be just as wacky. For example, in World War II, Nazi Germany used methamphetamine to increase productivity. There were also interesting characters like Corporal Wojtek, a bear who saved his camp from a spy. Fighting Jack Churchill, an eccentric British commando who fought with a longbow and broadsword. And the Germans, who pioneered the use of meth in the military. Real life can be stranger than fiction. Imagination lets you do some wacky things, but real life can be just as wacky as imagination. Would you have thought of Nazi Germany being the original Heisenberg, developing and dealing out methamphetamine to its soldiers and population to increase productivity? Well, if you did think of that, congratulations, you thought of World War II. Would you think of a British commando with a longbow and broadsword storming the beaches of Normandy like it's 1389? If you thought of that, then you thought of fighting Jack Churchill. If you thought of two grizzly bears fighting in the Polish army during World War II, then you thought of Corporal Wojtek and Mike Hal. Speaking of Corporal Wojtek, his story starts where most bears start, the woods. One day, a group of Polish prisoners of war were kind of just wandering through the forest because they were just released from a prisoner camp. They came across some greasy little disgusting forest boy and started to talk to him. After a while, they noticed he had a backpack and that the backpack was moving. They traded him some food and other items for the backpack and eventually the boy scurried off. I'd like to imagine he ran away on all fours like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. When they opened the bag, they found a bear cub because that bear cub was Wojtek. Wojtek spent most of his early life hiding in tents because the soldiers wanted to keep him a secret from the higher ups. One day, he got scared away by some birds and ran right into the commanding officer. Turns out, this wasn't a big deal because even the commanding officers liked Wojtek. After that, Wojtek matured into a fully grown grizzly bear and spent his time with many hobbies. He'd get absolutely drunk, he'd break into the shower, turn it on, and waste all the water. He'd even wrestle all the other soldiers. Wojtek was probably the cutest thing ever despite being a thousand pound hunk of meat and fur. He kept morale up and aside from that, he didn't really do a lot. Aside from the time he saved the entire camp. You see, one night he went to break into the showers like normal when he found a spy there. The spy was performing recon on his camp and was planning to raid it with him and all of his buddies. The spy saw a gigantic grizzly bear roaring in front of him and immediately surrendered. Good call. He gave up the name of everyone in his party and they all got arrested. On another occasion, he jumped out of a moving vehicle to run towards the beach. In the process, he absolutely terrified two French women sunbathing on the beach. One of the other men in the regiment pulled out a megaphone and shouted, Do not be afraid, he is a good bear. I highly doubt that they ceased their fear after that sentence. Another pastime of his was eating cigarettes. But not those boring tasteless omelet ones. Wojtek was a bear of culture and he only consumed those freshly lit cigarettes. Like a true gentleman. Now you might have noticed that I called him Corporal Wojtek. Well, originally he was Private Wojtek. When Wojtek and his brigade were boarding a ship in Egypt to be shipped out somewhere else, the Egyptians gave them a hard time because Wojtek wasn't an actual shoulder. So in response, the troop gave Wojtek his own paybook rank and serial number. So Wojtek is now Private Wojtek. I want you to imagine something. It's the Battle of Monte Cassino. And it is war. There are corpses, shells exploding, bullets flying. Utter, total war. And you are operating an artillery piece. Or would that be a howitzer, a cannon, or maybe you're just chucking grenades. Who knows? It's war. No one really cares. And you look to your left and you see a grizzly bear carrying four crates. Just one of these crates would usually take four people to carry. Now the bear just drops them off and goes back to carrying more crates. Now the reason I asked you to imagine that is because it's absolutely insane. And it happened. For his service at Monte Cassino, Wojtek went from Private Wojtek to Corporal Wojtek. For his service, Wojtek was now the troop's mascot. The troop's insignia changed to Wojtek carrying a shell. And he got even better treatment. Now you might be thinking, Matthew, one bear in the Polish Army is kind of wacky and silly. Well, hold your horses, bucko, because there is a second one. And he has no documentation on him. All I know is that his name is Mike Hale and that he fought Wojtek. While Wojtek was pretty much a gigantic bear puppy, Mike Hale was pretty much evil. He was part of an infantry unit, so he definitely killed somebody. He had a bad temper and a really angry disposition. So when I say that they fought, who do you think won? Wojtek. Wojtek won soundly. You might be asking yourself, how the hell did this even happen and why did nobody break it up? Well, bears are kind of bears. So when they see each other, they kind of go full bear and act like a bear. So the bears fought each other as bears tend to do. As to the why did nobody stop them question, how are you going to stop two grizzly bears fighting? Well, during the fight, Wojtek almost snapped Mike Hale's neck. Afterwards, the infantry regiment that had Mike Hale gave it over to the Polish regiment that had Wojtek. The men figured that since Wojtek almost killed Mike Hale 10 minutes ago, they should probably get rid of Mike Hale. They wound up giving him to a prince who in return gave them a monkey and there's no documentation of the monkey, so don't ask me what happened to him. That ends Wojtek's career as a soldier. After that, Wojtek and the boys hung out in a village in Scotland where he became a literal party animal. The civilians all loved him and during birthday parties, he'd just like hang out and chill. After a while, Wojtek permanently retired to the Edinburgh Zoo. Sadly, all those lit cigarettes he ate whole caught up to him and he died of throat complications. Rest in peace to a real one. You've probably heard a lot about World War II, but I'm pretty sure not many people have heard about Wojtek, which surprised me because there are five to eight statues of this one bear, not to mention an endless amount of symbols, tattoos, emblems, and probably even hats and t-shirts. If you thought that was wacky, just wait until you hear about fighting Jack Churchill. Despite his last name being Churchill, he had no relation to the Winston Churchill. Just want to clear that up real quick. The first thing you should know about Mad Jack Churchill is that this man lived for war. He was absolutely insane. Despite one of his brothers dying in war, it seemed that war was about the only thing Jack cared about. Before World War II broke out, he signed up for World War I and was disappointed that he wasn't sent to the front lines before the war ended. He did briefly do some stuff during World War I, however. He specialized in riding a motorcycle and I don't mean he'd leisurely drive on his little motorcycle to go deliver letters. I mean he specialized in it. Remember, this is World War I. Paved roads don't exist. This poor guy had to sit on his bike as he jumped up and down on barely functional brick roads or just straight up dirt and gravel. On one occasion, he ran smack dab into a water buffalo. The water buffalo wanted to exchange insurance information and was really just being a real dillweed about it. I mean, you probably couldn't see the paint scratch that happened from this really minor fender bender. In this time of need, Jack remembered ancient wisdom imparted to him from his elders. A water buffalo's greatest weakness is a swift kick to the family jewels. So after putting said knowledge into use, he hopped back on his motorcycle and continued his mission. Before World War II started, Jack kept himself occupied with archery and modeling. Sadly, I could not find any of his modeling photos so I'm instead going to talk about the archery. He became so good with the longbow that he represented Britain during the world archery competition. He was as close as an Olympic athlete as you could get. He would later use this immense archery skill to great effect during World War II. When the war finally started, Jack joined the British commandos and you might be thinking, oh, he only brought his longbow to look cool. I bet he didn't even use it. Well, one time as the Germans advanced on Jack's position, he struck a man through the throat with it, getting the last recorded human longbow kill in history. Immediately afterwards, he dual wielded machine guns despite being shot in the shoulder. The report says that he used two machine guns, but it's mad Jack Churchill. There's a good chance that he dual wielded them. This isn't the only wacky thing Jack would do. There were a lot of German outposts in the incredibly cold place of Yugoslavia. One day, Jack decided that Yugoslavia was the perfect spot to attack. While he blasted March of the Cameron men on his bagpipes, he raised his broadsword into the air to signal the oncoming raid. After he was done blasting out some fresh tunes on his bagpipe, he whipped out his trusty old bag of grenades and just started chucking them every which way. During his voyage to Italy as part of the war, he was ordered to capture a German post. So doing what Jack Churchill does best, he whipped out his broadsword and started fighting the German troops hand to hand. In the end, the British won the fight and captured 42 German troops. He had dropped his broadsword during the battle and on his way to get it back, encountered a group of American soldiers accidentally going to the front lines because they didn't know where they were going. When the man in charge of the American patrol refused to turn around after Jack suggested it, he remarked that he was not going back for a bloody third time. Jack is also quoted as saying, smiling at people makes them less likely to kill you. During an operation in Yugoslavia, he was captured. He was the last man standing out of a 43-man group and as everyone laid wounded, knocked out, or dead around him, he was reported as playing the bagpipes before being knocked unconscious by a grenade explosion. It appeared Buck was still with Churchill, however, as the Germans thought he was actually related to Winston Churchill. He was sent to Berlin for interrogation and then sent to a camp for prominent POWs. He received better conditions but was still tortured because it was a Nazi Germany camp. It wasn't exactly a fun old time to be there. Jack and five other prominent POWs managed to escape by digging a secret tunnel system. Unfortunately, Jack was captured only a few kilometers from the shore where he would have escaped. This next part is somewhat debated but what is 100% agreeable is that he was sent to a more secure concentration camp and escaped. According to some sources, the Germans left after being overwhelmed by enemy troops and just simply left the prisoners there. According to other sources, Jack escaped and hiked a lot. The amount of miles he hiked varies from 90 to 150. In some variations of the story, he even stole some crops from some Nazis to make himself a vegetable stew to keep himself going. When he eventually reconvened with British HQ, he was sent over to Burma. Jack was back in the game, baby. But sadly, Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened and World War II ended. Jack is quoted on the matter saying, if it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years. Jack would not have to wait very long for his next conflict as he was sent to Palestine. Under the British Army. There he saved 700 Jewish doctors, patients, and nurses from a hospital that was going to be attacked by Arabic forces. This event was known as the Hadassah Medical Convoy Massacre and it is just as bad as it sounds. An Israeli APC carrying 79 people was attacked. Jack offered to help despite the British government ordering him to stand down. The people in the APC declined his help, believing that Israeli forces were coming to their aid. When no aid came, Jack still offered his help, but it was too late. The APC exploded, killing 77 out of the 79 people on board. Remember that hospital? That's where the convoy was headed. And that is most certainly where the Arabic forces were going to attack next. So as far as I'm concerned, Jack saved all 700 of those people. That's not the end of Jack's story though. Even though that's the last major war-themed thing he'd be involved in, his life was far from over. He set records in the surfing world. He was the first man to ever surf a tidal bore. He did so with a five-foot long surfboard made out of toothpicks. Normally, soldiers have a hard time merging back into civilian life. Jack merged back into civilian life very easily. He did this by staying true to himself and being super goofy and silly. He got a regular job and a regular briefcase to go with it. On his way back from home, he'd ride the train. During a specific part on the train, he'd stand up, made sure he had everyone's attention, open the window, and launch his briefcase out. The part that no one knew was that the train went by his backyard the whole time. And thus concludes the wacky silly story of fighting Jack Churchill. If you thought that was weird, wait until you hear about the first people to invent methamphetamines. That right. Heisenberg was never Walter White or Jesse Pinkman, but it was Adolf Hitler and Heidemar King. When Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War and said that speed is the essence of war, he was either a prophet who was talking about the drug, or he was just talking about, like, speed. Either way, he was right. World War II began to be dependent on go-pills or uppers that the Allies used, which was speed. Just straight-up drugs. While every faction of World War II popped pills, Germany was the pioneering producer of pill-popping people. They were the first to invent methamphetamines, aka meth. And that legacy continues today. You can go up to any neo-Nazi on the corner and surmise that they are probably a meth-head. Nazis started out as completely anti-drug. Imagine those dare commercials times a thousand, and that's what the vast majority of citizens believe in. You're one step away from being executed if you got caught with any form of recreational drug. The Third Reich's obsession with physical superiority would take an ironic twist when they decided popping pills was the best way for their soldiers to perform on the battlefield. When you think about it, meth is kind of the perfect drug for war. It reduces appetite, makes your soldiers more energetic, and makes them make wackier, unorthodox decisions. Methamphetamine was developed shortly before the war, and became widely popular with the German population, as the advertising campaign was incredibly aggressive. You could even buy chocolate spiked with meth for Valentine's Day. But when the war broke out, meth was quickly issued to soldiers. As Dr. Otto F. Franke decided that soldiers who could fight stronger, faster, and harder were far superior to any regular soldier who wasn't high off meth, Franke himself was a daily pill popper, so that he could work 36 to 50 hours a day. When Germany invaded Poland, meth was a major part of the invasion. The Blitzkrieg was the tactic of striking hard and fast, and this was pretty much impossible without copious amounts of meth. In late 1939 to early 1940, people started to realize that meth is not exactly great for the human body, and now you had to get a prescription to get it. Unbelievable. Remember that meth spiked with chocolate? Well, that began being served to the military too. If you were a pilot, you got Flieger's Chocolat, also known as Flyer's Chocolate. And if you were a tank operator, you got Panzer's Chocolat, known as Tanker's Chocolate. This was why the Germans were able to advance on the Ardennes so quickly. The French and British left it completely undefended, assuming that it was naturally impenetrable. But if there was a tablet of meth, there was a way. Perhaps the most drugged up members of the German military were the paratroopers. They were dropped behind enemy lines before the invasion began, as to soften up defenses. These men were given insane amounts of meth, were fearless, and quote-unquote, berserk. During the Nazi push into France, soldiers, tanks, and artillery emplacements would push forward day and night without stopping, mainly due to their insane use of meth amphetamine. As a result of this insane use of meth, many soldiers suffered heart attacks. One such soldier took four tablets a day for four weeks, and somehow managed to survive. Many, however, did not, and heart attacks became a big problem for the German military. The German military began to cut back on their distribution of methamphetamine, and it fell incredibly sharply in 1942. That being said, it was still dispensed, and the inventor of meth began to raise awareness of how addictive of a substance it was. The use of meth was so widespread that even Adolf Hitler was known to take a tablet a couple times. Not only was he a meth fan, but he was also, quote-unquote, blitzed on cocaine and opioids. Hitler also took vitamin injections to keep himself healthy. So not only was he the pioneer of popping methane pills, but he was also one of the original founders of Flintstone gummies. The effect on the military is kind of wacky, but the effect on the population is even more so. The meth was even in their chocolate, so a lot of addictions formed. Even German Nobel Peace Prize winners wanted to pop pills perpetually. Heinrich Boll was a soldier during World War II who became addicted to meth after taking it constantly to keep himself alert during the war. He would write letters home, begging his family to send him more meth. He later won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature in 1972, after the war had ended. Meth even has a stronghold on the German populace today. Over this year, more first-time users have been recorded than ever, most of the meth coming from the neighboring Czech Republic. As I think I've demonstrated quite clearly, imagination is kind of lame compared to real life.