EVAKAILEPOD5

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I'm going to give you a couple of minutes to think about what you're going to do next. I'm going to give you a couple of minutes to think about what you're going to do next. That's really true. Oh my gosh. True that. What about healing from friendships? What do you think about that? I was going to say that. Oh my gosh. I feel like healing from friendships takes a whole other toll out of you. Sometimes you don't realize that the friendship needs to be broken off or maybe it was all of a sudden. That's probably the most painful one when you just drift off all of a sudden and you don't realize it. Healing from that takes a lot. Actually, I'm going to sidetrack a little bit. Going back into relationships, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whoever, they are like your best friend. You know what I mean? They're your best friend. You talk to them every single day about every single detail in your entire day. Then once you go to break up and you cut that off every day, you don't have anybody to talk to. That's a whole other side of healing is learning how to be by yourself, basically, which sucks. At the same time, it also shows how much I see in a day. I don't even process what I go through in a single day because I would always just talk to him every single point of the day. I'm not reflecting at the end of my day everything that happened throughout the day. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's a good thing to do for yourself. That was really good. I think that's a good thing to do for yourself and to have that friendship with yourself that you had with the other person, especially right after a breakup when you're looking for that one person that can be there and listen to your day. Be yourself or be that person for yourself. Yes. Listen to your own problems and do all that stuff. It's really, really hard to be there for yourself when you're not used to it. For the last 10 months, I was with him, and every single day we were together, and I was hardly ever alone. So now a big thing with me is feeling lonely and looking to fill that void in different places. So it's coming out in different ways that aren't necessarily healthy. And so, yeah, that's a hard thing to navigate, especially with friendships. It can be with relationships too, but just the loneliness that you feel because your partner, like you were saying, is your best friend. And so both, it's equally as hard, I would say. I think it's really important to, like, go back to what you just said. Be your own best friend because that's something that if you have a best friend that you, like, are so dependent on, you're not having any time for yourself. So you, at some point, you can just lose who you are. You know what I mean? You don't even know who you are anymore, which is scary. And I've been there, and it's hard. But it's also, it takes effort to, like, go back into that routine of getting to know yourself more and more and deeply. Like, not just surface-level stuff. Like, to get to know yourself on a deeper level is just crazy. My therapist said that if you love yourself after seeing all the horrible sides of you, every single side of yourself, then someone else, it means a lot when they love you. But I was saying, I had told her that I felt like other people's opinions of me mattered more than my own, and she had told me that. Literally, you've seen every side of yourself, and you still love you. And so you deserve that kind of love from someone else. And so being treated the right way, it feels more important to me now. Wow. That hit home. Yeah. That hit home. Like, if I can do it, and if I'm willing to do all these things for myself, then someone else should be willing to do all these things for me. I see the good in myself. And if you don't see the good in yourself, work on it. Yeah. I know everyone tells everyone to work on this, work on that. And I never really knew what work on it meant whenever someone told me to love myself more. But it really just means being alone a lot of the time, journaling, writing down exactly how you feel. You might hear it all the time, but it actually helps. The things that you hear all the time over and over and over, journal, write your thoughts down, do all this stuff, it works. Just like exercising works to help keep you healthy. You hear it all the time, but those things that you hear all the time do work. Yeah. That is exactly what I was talking about in therapy today. We were talking about self-care and how it's a cliche, but it really is essential. Like, you need to have that self-care time. And we talked about journaling. Personally, I get really frustrated when I'm journaling because my brain goes so fast and my hand does not write that fast. And her suggestion to me was to find a prompted journal. So I'm focusing on one thing, and it's just easier for that to happen. But then I also asked her what... What did I even say? Hmm. Let me think about this. Hmm. Oh, I said, what differentiates self-care from a distraction? How do you differentiate that? Because I distract myself with hanging out with other people, hanging out with you. Like, it's just a distraction for myself. But then when I have that alone time, that's when I feel my most intense emotions, I guess, because it all just hits me like a bus. It's crazy because I have that time to just think and just sit with my own thoughts. But she said that distracting yourself can be a form of self-care. Like, sometimes it's necessary. And I think it's important to note that sometimes you need to be in that distracted space. Sometimes it can be detrimental to have that self-care time or feel isolated. Because you just go in that downward spiral. Yeah. Do you think... That's really good. Do you think that the reason that you feel all your feelings when you're alone is because you don't feel them when you're around other people? Because you think they're going to not like you or something? It's not that I'm... Well, I guess I am afraid of showing emotions to other people, especially negative ones like crying. Because I feel... Sometimes I feel guilty because they don't know how to handle it. And so when they don't know how to handle it, it makes me feel guilty because I'm putting them in an awkward situation. And that is not how I should feel. You should not be embarrassed to cry in front of somebody. But I am, and I acknowledge that. And so now I'm trying to get used to... This is going to sound weird, but crying in front of other people, I guess. Because it's something that you don't need to apologize for. And I apologize for it all the time. I'm like, I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I shouldn't be apologizing for it. It's a human emotion. Everybody cries. That hits home. I do not show emotion in front of many people. That's just a guard I've built up. Me too. But I don't know, for me, if that's what I want to do or not. If I want to cry around people. Because I'm the type of person, it takes me a while to build trust with you. And for me, I have to trust someone to cry with them. Because that's something that means a lot to me, to cry in front of someone. And so doing that with anyone, I don't know. But I understand that with close friends, like with you, I could cry in front of. It's just hard. Right. With the... What's the word? What's the topic? Oh, healing. With the healing from losing a friendship, what do you think is the hardest part? Probably, I guess, just the feeling behind it. It depends on how you lost your friend, first of all. But, I mean, there's two things that I can think of off the top of my head right now. One, betrayal. You can feel betrayed, you know what I mean? And that just sucks. Like, maybe they did something, crossed your back, whatever. That's just hard, because you have that much trust in that friendship, and now it's just dissolved. It's gone. And so that sucks. The other thing that I think is really important is just if they find a new friend, that's like taking up more of their time. Yeah, it plays on your self-worth a lot. That's what I was going to talk about, too. I feel like confidence ties in with a bunch of aspects of the feelings of being left or moving on from a relationship. It helps when you are at a place with yourself where you can be okay with that, with people coming in your life and going out of your life whenever they choose to, and understanding that they can do that, and it's not permanent. No matter how permanent it feels, they can just leave, and keeping that realism with yourself at all times. Like, in the end, it's just you and yourself. Something else I talked about in therapy today is you don't have control over other people's emotions or their actions. And that is just something that I struggle with, because I feel like I do control their emotions, which sounds awful, but it's like I feel like I'm obligated to help you feel happier, and it's that kind of control. Like, it's not like I want to make you feel bad. It's like I want to make you happy. However, I have zero control over that. Like, I cannot make you happy. You know what I mean? That's exactly what I was talking about. That's so weird. I was telling her that I feel like I can't tell people no, and I don't want to say this on the podcast. Okay, just say it. But the guys that I have, I feel like I can't turn them down because it's going to hurt them. And so let me say it a different way. I feel like there's people in my life who I can't turn down or say no to because it's going to hurt them. If I don't want to do something, like if someone invites me to go somewhere and I don't want to go, then I'll just tell them yes and then just go being upset or mad or just not in the best mood wanting to do something else. And so like I said earlier, I realize that I'm my own person and I can make myself happy by doing things that make me happy. I don't have to worry about people's reactions or other people. I do the exact same thing. So not to put on the podcast, but that's exactly what we were talking about with me going home, like because I can't say no to my mom. Yeah. I can't do it. But I need to. Yeah. We need to start saying no. Exactly. Start saying no, guys. Say no when you want to. Say yes when you want to. Yeah. Don't feel pressured or like, no. You need to just, if you want to, you want to. If you don't, you don't. You are in control of your own emotions and your own actions. Exactly. Yes. Okay, so I was thinking the other day, if I got into a relationship, what would I want to feel in the relationship? What are the feelings I would need before and during the relationship? And what are some qualities? So I wrote them down, and we can talk about them. I have like five, I think. Yes. I'm so excited for the soccer game. I know, me too. I don't even know why. I feel like, this isn't on the podcast, I feel like Rich told Ibra because he's acting really weird. Ibra is? Yeah. Oh. He said he has a bad day. And I said, we can sit together and all this stuff, and he just thumbs up the message. I'd say don't worry about it until you're actually there. Yeah. It could be something that's totally not related. Yeah. I'll talk to him. Yeah. Because Rich, I don't feel like Rich would say anything. Hopefully not. Okay. So, before I get into a relationship, I'm going to ask myself, can I… The first one is, can I feel free in this relationship? I don't want to feel tied down and like I'm stuck to this person at all times. I want to feel like I can do my own thing and be my own person in the relationship. How do you feel about that? I feel like that's super important, especially going into college, because I don't know if I want this on the podcast yet, but with my past relationship, he is a senior in high school and I'm going into college. Well, I'm in college now, but… So, there's that tie down because he still lives in my home… Not my hometown, but he still lives where I live, and I don't live there anymore. So, I feel tied down still. You know what I mean? Yeah, like when you go home, you feel like you're just with him. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. Especially because you guys have had memories there, too. Exactly. And my sister is… My sister said it's… She said it's best because now you don't have somebody that you need to report your day to, which is how she said it, because sometimes it does feel like that. It feels like you're reporting your day instead of just talking about it. Yeah, and you want to feel like you can talk to yourself about it, like we talked about earlier. Yeah. Also, I want to be able to grow as a person in the relationship, because before recently, I thought that I had to grow before I got into a relationship. But you can still grow while you're in a relationship, especially if it's a healthy one. Yes. If you're not able to grow in a relationship, it's not healthy. That's for real. Also, I don't want him to be able to dictate how I feel about myself. With all the stuff about needing male validation, I don't want to go to him for validation, even if he's my boyfriend. I want to stay within myself and get validation from myself. I came to this realization because the other day, he said something about me that was an insecurity. It wasn't a bad thing, but it was like he just commented something. I was like, that made me feel bad, but it's something about myself. I'm just going to say it. Why can't I just say it? One of my biggest insecurities growing up was I've always been taller. I'm 5'6", which I didn't think was that tall. I had platform shoes on, so I guess I was taller. He said, oh, you're tall. I was like, that's always just been an insecurity. It just made me feel bad about myself. I was like, am I going to let him make me feel bad about myself? I was like, if I go into a relationship, I'm going to have to get used to the things about myself that I don't like, and I'm going to have to come to terms with them and start to like them. Yeah. Yeah. I do think it's really important that you are able to validate yourself. Because sometimes they're not going to know that that was an insecurity. Or sometimes they do, and they try to make you feel better about it, but it can make you feel worse about it, which is weird. But being able to find your own security within yourself is very important. Kaylee, it's not recording. There's no way. This whole thing I don't think is recording. Do you want to pause it and see? No, because if we pause it, we have to start over. Oh, don't. Let's just wait until the end, and if it didn't record... I'm going to cry! There's no way it's recording. It's like... Okay. Anyways, I don't want to feel forced to go into a relationship. I don't want to feel guilty if I don't go into a relationship. I want it to be natural and happen on my terms. And you shouldn't have to feel forced into a relationship. That is not... That's not... I feel like that can be the same for friendships, too, and that's how you start a one-way relationship, friendship or romantic. And obviously we know one-way is just not the way to go. You cannot have a one-way... One-way relationships, they suck. Both should be giving in some. Exactly. If one person's giving all of themselves and you're giving nothing, that's awful. That makes the other person feel bad. I was talking about how it's hard for me to open up to people, and I don't want that to be seen as a one-way relationship. If they're giving their all and I'm not ready to give my all, that can be a separate conversation because it takes time for me to tell people anything, really. Right. And so that can be seen as... They might see it as a one-way relationship and they're just telling me everything and I don't talk to them about anything. But it's really a thing of where I need time, and so maybe that's the situation, too. And then also, we need to have clear boundaries starting fresh in a relationship and be ready to have that talk as soon as possible, honestly. I love boundaries now. You just do not. I didn't know how to set them, but now I'm getting more comfortable setting them, and now I love them. It's not a scary thing. It's like... It makes you feel safe. And it shouldn't be a scary thing. It's healthy. And then the last one is not making any decisions in the whole relationship based on pressure or a sense of I need to. Okay, I don't know where I heard this from, but this just made a click in my mind. Oh, I was... I was watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Khloe said this? Yes! Wait, really? Yes! I just guessed! She said her biggest... What's it called? Critic? No, it's like a thing that she does. What's it called? Ick. No. Her biggest saying, motto? Mantra, phrase. Yes. Her biggest mantra in life is not to make permanent decisions based off of temporary feelings. Ooh! Yeah. I love that. Me too. But how do you know which feelings are temporary? So, her situation, she's pregnant with a baby. This is like, I'm like in the first, I'm in season 15, so this is a little way back, but she's pregnant with her baby, and the dude that got her pregnant is named Tristan, and she's about to give birth, and Tristan is caught with another girl. And she is like stressing out so bad because she's about to go into labor, and her baby daddy, I guess, is like cheating on her. And so she decided that she wanted Tristan to be in the delivery room with her, giving birth to her daughter and stuff, because she doesn't want that, to look back and be like, oh, that was a temporary emotion, like I was mad at him. And so now he doesn't get this time with his daughter, and he doesn't get to see the birth of his daughter and stuff like that, which is a little bit of a dramatic example, but I think it's a really good principle to keep in practice. Yeah. I think that's important in every situation, is thinking logically about things. I like to write down the facts. A thing that helped me when I was healing from my ex, it was to write down a list of like 10 to 15 facts about the relationship. Like I was sad most of the time. We had good times. He did good things for me. We had good and bad, just nonjudgmental, just the facts of the relationship. And every time I thought about it and wanted to cry about it or something came up that made me think about him, I would go straight to the list and read all the things, and it would calm me down thinking about the facts. And so that helped a ton. I'm in that list all the time. Yeah. And so it was like, yeah, he did do good things. We had good memories, and I can remember the good times. But at the same time, it wasn't good, and I wanted to get out of it as well. Yeah. That's powerful because a lot of the time you – the negative emotions overpower all of the positive, which happened with my first relationship. It's hard to like think back, and it wasn't like we did have fun. We did have good moments, but all of the bad just overpowered it for me, and it's hard to still have that gratitude of that relationship because I did learn a lot from it. I'm not saying that I should have gone through what I went through, but it puts it into a whole other perspective when you're looking at it from a fact-based, not just how you felt based. And that can help you in the future too. Because looking back, I tend to invalidate my feelings that I had if I don't have those feelings still. Yes. And so I was like, I was so dumb for feeling sad, but in the moment it was sad. And so I don't know how that really ties into what we were saying. No, that's important. Yeah. Just trying not to invalidate how you felt either. I'll make voice recordings to myself to remind myself that what I'm going through is hard and to help myself remember that I got through something hard because I'll tend to just downplay how I felt and say, oh, it was easy. It wasn't. And I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Yeah. That is something that I learned in psychology. It's called hindsight bias. And basically it's how you... It might not be called hindsight bias. Wait, let me look this up really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's called hindsight bias. And it's basically when an event occurs already and then you look back on it and you're like, oh, yeah, I could have predicted that easily. But like there's no way that you could have predicted that. And so you just have this false sense that you could have predicted it. I feel like that kind of ties in like after the fact that that event already happened, you're like, oh, well, I should have felt this or I could have felt that. But no, like you have to acknowledge what you did actually feel like. Exactly. And we learn things and we grow as people. So looking back at your past self, saying I should have felt like this, no, because you didn't have the information and the knowledge you have now and you didn't have the time because time literally heals all wounds. Like the time behind something makes you... This is so good. I know. Pop off. The time behind something literally can help you heal from any traumatic event. You just need to sit with it and cry it out. I feel like we should be therapists. Let's do it. I mean, it is my career field. Yeah. Maybe mine, probably not. I think you'd be good at it. Thanks. You're welcome. All right, do we have anything else we want to talk about? Because it's about to hit 40 minutes. How about a piece of advice for the healing stage? Okay. Mine would be to... My face. Mine would be to trust that you're going to heal because it can feel very scary. You can feel lost and you can feel like you're going to stay in this pit forever. But trust me, time literally will heal all wounds. Just give it time. Try your best with what you've got right now. And try not to look back on your past self, like we were talking about, wishing that you had known all these things. And know that soon you will be your past self, and you'll be looking back saying, you got this. Yeah, that's really good. What about you? My piece of advice is... I think I have two. Okay. Number one, erase all of your time stamps that you have for yourself. Like, you don't need them. You don't need them. Like, just give yourself time. Like what Eva said, listen to Eva. Give yourself time. And then number two, you need to acknowledge how far you've already come with the healing process. Because I feel like once you start the healing process, you overlook how far you've actually made it, and you don't acknowledge it. Sometimes we get into this mindset where we're like, yeah, I accomplished this, but it could have been better. But no, like you need to be like, wow, I accomplished that. Like, good for me. You know what I mean? Like congratulate yourself on what you already did accomplish. Give yourself the credit you deserve. Yes. Don't downplay what you've done. Don't downplay how you felt. Just be proud. Yeah. Because even if you haven't come a long way, you've come a long way. Oh, for sure. Even breaking up with him, if you did it or if he did it, whatever, it's over. And so that's coming a long way. Any little steps that you make, celebrate the little ones. Yes. All right, it was a great podcast. All right. See? All righty. All righty, then. Have a great week. We'll see you next, I don't even know, next week. Next week. Peace and love. Bye. Bye. Bye.