Episode 1 dated 10.4.2022 - What Do You Do? (1664873956986186)

The speaker discusses the social injustices faced by children in the care of the Department of Family and Children's Services (DFACS) or Child Protective Services (CPS). They express concern about cases where children are treated as business transactions and not prioritized for their well-being. The speaker highlights the challenges faced by foster parents in advocating for the children's needs and the lack of support from the department. They question how to bring about change and improve the system for the benefit of the children. They also discuss the emotional toll on foster parents and the difficulties of navigating a system that prioritizes biological ties over the best interests of the child. The speaker calls for more attention and action to address the issues faced by children in the foster care system. There are many types of social injustices that go on in the world. And when we think of social injustices, we tend to think of the racism or equality. But what about the social injustices that pertain to children who are in care of the Department of Family and Children's Services? The case workers who work for DFACS or CPS as they're also referred to, are supposed to look out for the well-being of the children who they're assigned to. And there are cases where that actually happens. But there are also cases where children are treated as if they're some sort of business transaction. There are cases where the well-being of the child is not taken into consideration because the department feels like children should be placed with family regardless of the situations that they came from or the situations that are currently going on or the things that they've been through in the past. I'm not against family. I'm not. What I am against is case workers saying that they're putting the best interest of the children first when they're clearly not. There are so many horror stories that I've heard. And in the beginning, I was happy that I didn't have to experience any of those things. But a year into being a foster parent, my family began to experience those horrible things that we heard about. When you have a child that is turned into the Department of Family and Children's Services by a family member who said they could take care of them, but after a week and a half decide they can't do it anymore, and so they give up on the children and they call D-FACS and they turn them in. And when you have family members who in the beginning seemed to have the best interest of the child at hand, but for whatever reason, sympathy maybe, they decide to change their mind and no longer advocate for the child, but give in to the needs of the family. Now, I understand blood is thicker than water. However, blood does not always make you family. So there are so many layers to this, period. Who does the foster parent turn to when they feel like the children's needs aren't being met? Who do the foster children trust when they're being passed around from one household to another? Can they trust? What type of life is that for a child? Let me tell you, it's not much of one. When a child lacks stability, it sets them up for a lot of uncertainties in their life, because they're always going to be wondering what's going to happen next, or when do I leave this place, or, you know. There's just so much. And when you have young children who are learning how to express themselves, and young children who don't know how to express themselves, that are involved in this game of chance, it seems, they don't know how to express themselves, so they act out. It's hard when a child goes from having stability and feeling safe, and then they're thrown back into the same situation that caused them to be with defects in the first place. They may not know how to articulate it, but they can feel that something is wrong, they can feel that something is not right. And as a foster parent, when you're advocating to get the help that these children need, and you're constantly being told by the department, no, they're too young, or no, they don't qualify, like, what do you do? I mean, you're feeling helpless. I was left feeling helpless. Because here I am trying to advocate for these children who I've cared for, and I'm trying to make sure they get all the tools that they need so they can grow and feel safe and feel secure, and feel like they're, and be loved. And so when every time you reach out saying, hey, these children need this, these children need that, and there are services that the department could offer, but they tell you no because of their age, or they make up other excuses as to why these children can't get the services that they so desperately need. You know, and these are situations that when the children can't get help, as they get older, they begin to have discipline problems. And as they get older, they become part of the unfortunate revolving door that a lot of children in this system become a part of. How as a foster parent can we force the hand of the Department of Family and Children's Services? How can we make that happen? Who can we reach out to? We have resource officers, but in many instances their hands are tied. In a lot of cases, you know, we're not privy to a lot of the in-depth pertinent details of the cases, which is understandable. But when you're reaching out and when you're begging and crying and pleading for help for the children that you're caring for, and you keep running into a wall, and you keep being told no, like what do you do? We're not trained as mental health professionals. We're not trained on how to tell a child, this is how you get over this, or, you know, this is how you can express yourself. That's not our job. Even as a parent of your biological children, you still don't know those things. You're still not trained in those areas, unless that is your profession. So what do you do? Who do you talk to? Who can you go to that when you speak to them and they give you answers, that you actually feel like they care, like genuinely deep down inside care, and that they're not just giving you lip service to pacify you or to brush it under the rug? Who's out there that can be that in-between? Like, what do you do? What do you do when you have a child in your home for over a year, and they're ripped from you for no reason other than because they share the same bloodline as someone? And this person that they're placed with was not a part of their lives for most of their life, with the exception of a few months and a few text messages here and there, but yet, because they share the same blood, this is who you place this child with, because that person realizes that their hopes and dreams of having their own children are non-existent. That dream of theirs is gone. So they rip a child away from the only family that they've known, the only security and stability that they've ever had. And yeah, the child is young, but you don't know what kind of psychological damage that does to a child, to an infant, because they can't tell you. They can't articulate. They can't express. They can't even understand why one day you see the same faces over and over and over again, and the next day you don't see them anymore. And then when the system fails in other ways, such as blatantly lying in open court, what do you do? Because it's your word against theirs. It's a he said, she said, or she said, she said. And then when you have defects attorneys that their job is supposed to look out for the welfare of the child, but all they want to do is place them back into the same environment that caused them to be in the care in the first place. So when you have caseworkers that are so overwhelmed and have dozens of cases, but they can't focus fully on each individual child, so they just do what's easy. But when they have the opportunity to take one more caseload off their desk, they don't do it. All because of DNA. What do you do as a foster parent? It's so difficult because we have limited rights. We have no biological ties and apparently that's the only thing that tends to matter is biology and DNA. And when you don't, you don't live up to your word, you don't keep your word. As an adult, your word is more important than almost anything. If you have nothing, you always have your word. But when your word isn't even good enough, what do you do? What do you have? What type of person does that make you? And can you look at yourself long term in the mirror and be okay with that? What do you do? It's difficult to be in a situation where you feel hopeless. It's difficult when you have to explain to other foster children in your home why another child isn't there anymore. And when you see the fear in a child's eyes because they don't want to go on visitations, and then when that child comes back, they're so happy to be home, but when you ask them, what'd you do this weekend? They don't tell you because they're afraid. Or when that child comes home and they're repeating things that they've heard, and then they get suspended from daycare for repeating those things. And the foster parent is left holding the bag and having to deal with the behavior issues and the consequences of what happened and what was picked up outside of their home when that foster parent wasn't even present. But what is a foster parent supposed to do when they're constantly having to pick up someone else's slack, for the lack of a better term? What does a foster parent do when a child is going from place to place and they tell you, I don't want to go, but they have to go? And you feel so bad because it feels like you're making this child do something they genuinely don't want to do, and that's how they feel, and they're scared. When your child is looking at you, your foster child is looking at you in their eyes and they're crying, and they're saying, I don't want to go, how do you feel good about yourself? By making them do something they don't want to do. Because our rights are limited and we can't say, okay, you don't have to go. It's okay, you don't have to feel scared to tell me what happened this weekend, or what you did this weekend, or if you weren't happy. Happy and sad are two things that toddlers understand. They understand good or bad to a certain extent, there are so many layers. But for their age, but when you have a child that from the time they were one years old, they've had to protect a baby, they have that sense of like they have to save them, they have to keep them safe because they're afraid. Because deep down in their gut they may not be able to say exactly how they feel, but they know that something's not wrong, that sense is there that this isn't right. And they're afraid and they're scared and they're hungry and they're soiled and they're dirty. What can we do? How can you... How can we fix it? Who can we run to? What can we do? It's a difficult place to be at when you have all these questions, but you don't know where to turn because the people who you were told you can go to are the very people who continuously feed into the problem instead of trying to make a difference. And the people that do make a difference realize it's a lost hope so they leave. When you have good, honest caseworkers, they work hard for the children, but when they're so unhappy that they walk away. When all the good people leave there's no one left except for those who, after a while, they just don't care anymore. It's just a job and it's a job where they're overworked and they're underpaid. And unless their heart is not truly in it, they're not going to give their job the attention that they need. They're not going to go above and beyond. They're not going to lay their blood, sweat, and tears out to try and do what's best for these children. It's just a job. They're just a case number. And then when the leadership is just as bad as the subordinates, what do you do? When you even go as far as filing a grievance process but nothing happens, what do you do? What do you do as a foster parent? How can you, where do you start to make a change? How can you rally enough people and say something needs to change? How do you incite change? People incite riots and people protest on major issues such as Black Lives Matter, gender equality, equality in general, diversity. But what doesn't happen? What isn't a first thought is the care and the well-being of the children who are a part of the system. And then many times that system has a revolving door so the children are in and out, in and out, in and out, and see that age out. And then they're left to fend on their own. And a lot of times they're not taught simple things that they should know as an adult. How do you balance your checkbook? How do you pay your bills? How do you budget? And so these children continue to live a life of poverty and they continue the cycle of their family instead of breaking it and creating something more positive. Breaking that poverty mindset and creating generational wealth. Flipping everything around, doing a 180. There aren't enough people out there who are helping because it takes so much because there are so many children who are in this situation. And you have foster parents who, I mean, they break their backs to make sure these children have what they need or fight for these children to get what they need. And when you look at them as more than just, oh, you know, this is a foster child. They're only here temporarily, but when they become a part of you and you become a part of them and when they become a part of your family, and even though they don't share the same bloodline, they are still woven into your family. They become a part of everything that you work for, everything that you hope for. Like you can't imagine what it would be like if they weren't there until one day they're not. And you literally feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest. But you have to be strong because there's other children in the home and you don't want to worry them and you don't want to scare them. So you have to wear a mask. You have to put on a face. But that's not really you. It's like that commercial, I believe it's a Rexalti commercial, prescription medicine for depression, where the lady is walking around with a sign and it's a smiley face and she just holds it up. It's not how she feels, but she has a sign that masks her face. We have to mask our face when we're hurting and when we're sad and when we're disappointed over a system that has failed not just the children who are in it, but the foster parents who are there to make a change. At what point does that foster parent say, I can't do it anymore and not feel guilty because they feel like they're giving up? Everybody has a breaking point. When you go back and forth, I'm done, no, I'm going to keep going. I'm done, no, I'm going to keep going. I'm done, no, I don't want to fail these children. And no matter how hard you try not to fail the kids in your care, you still end up feeling that way because you still feel like there's something more you could have done. Maybe, just maybe, there was something else that could have been said. Maybe there was more emotion that could have been shown. And when you pray and pray and pray, those prayers don't get answered, what do you do? How do you keep going and not lose your faith? It's hard enough to have lost faith in mankind and when you only have your faith in God left and when that's shaky at times. And a lot of times it doesn't seem like there's any reason to keep having it. But all you know is that you're supposed to. But you struggle with it. It's hard. It becomes depressing. It becomes heavy. On top of everything else that you're dealing with. Because life doesn't stop just because these acts fails. Life doesn't stop just because a child is taken from your home and placed with a family member who's not been around. Life doesn't stop. It keeps going. We're such a very small, minute part of the world as an individual because there are so many people. There's no way that everybody can just say stop. This family needs a moment. Stop. These children are going through something. Stop. But stop and help, that doesn't happen. There are so many children in the system that don't have foster families who truly love them and care for them and will fight for them like they're their own biological children. There are so many children who are in the system who are in homes where the people don't care. They provide them the bare minimum, but are they looking forward to collecting that check every month? Truth be told, the money that they pay is not even anywhere close to enough. So if you're only doing it for the money, you have low expectations. You have low morals. You have low values. But you have to do it because I can say for one, I would do it for free. I wanted to become a foster parent early on. As long as I can remember, I've never wanted to have my own children, but I wanted to have foster children and adopt and provide a home for children who need one. I was watching my grandma, oh my God, she was an angel that walked the face of this planet. She was so selfless. She put everyone before herself. She had dozens and dozens of foster children throughout her life, and she even adopted one child. She took in siblings, sibling groups, not just two and three kids, we're talking four, five. She gave so much, and I watched her. And after losing her in 2017, I knew that the best thing that I could do to continue on her legacy is to do one of the things that made her the happiest, and that was being a foster parent. And I was lucky and blessed enough to have a spouse that wanted to do the same things. But what do you do when the system fails, and you're sitting here as a foster parent, and you're watching it fail, and you're watching the people who are allowing this to happen act like it's just another day at the office. Like, oh, this is what happens. Like, it's normal. That should not be normal. Not caring fully about a child should not be normal. And I understand it's hard work. I'm not putting anyone down. I understand a small portion of what goes into it, but that small portion is so much. I'm not lost on the things that the caseworkers have on their plates on a daily basis. I understand. What I don't understand is when you ask for direct information, when your concerns feel like they're being brushed to the side, and there's no follow-up, and there's no accountability in a way. But yet, as foster parents, we just have to take it. What do you do? Where do you start to make the change happen? When you can't expect anyone else to make a change, it's up to you. So where do you start?