Power of boundaries

The speaker discusses the importance of setting healthy boundaries and the power of saying no. They share a personal example of not setting boundaries in intimate relationships and how it affected their self-respect. They emphasize the need to communicate boundaries clearly and assertively. The speaker also highlights the transformation that occurs when boundaries are established and how it affects the energy they give off. They conclude by emphasizing the importance of surrounding oneself with people who respect boundaries. see if we can do it again. Now I think it seems like good, and yeah, yeah, it's recording. So I will just skip the beginning again. And we go whenever you're ready. We're going to enjoy that this is actually recording now. Awesome. I think I'm ready when you do. Yeah, that's a good thing. So I also have some ideas, so we can start with that. Yeah, cool. And, wait, I just, okay, good. So here we are one more time, like literally one more time, because we just recorded the episode, and then funny, last week we had problems with the audio, and this time the audio didn't record, so we're just trying to hear people, we're going to get better soon anyway. Take two. Today we are again with Diana, thank you for being here. Thank you. I just love so much to have our episode last week, that it's like, I want to have more episodes with you. Me too. Thank you for being here. Thank you. One more time, because we're going to do it again. So the episode of today, people, it's about healthy boundaries and the power of no. Do you want to tell us why we choose this today? Because setting healthy boundaries and being able to say no is the best way to stay empowered, the best way to collect yourself when you feel like you've lost yourself, and you don't know who you are, or you feel like you've lost direction, or you're feeling anxious, any of those negative emotions, I feel like setting healthy boundaries is one of the best ways to reclaim yourself, so that is why we're talking about it today. I love that. And I would like to start by asking you if you have an example of a time that you didn't set boundaries, and how did that change? Okay, so I'm going to be very real with you. I'm going to talk about something that's happening in my current life, in relationships, because that's what I do the most, that's what I love the most, but it also gives me the most heartache. So I have noticed a pattern with myself when I go out on dates with guys, and some of these I've actually gone on to have longer-term relationships with, but I notice that I always give myself intimately, sexually, faster than I want to, and I will phrase this as I feel like the guy is coming on too strong, or he's being too aggressive, and he just wants me for my body, like these are the thoughts that run through my head, right? I relate so much. But after, you know, a lot of reflecting, and having been dating, and starting to look at patterns in my own life, I realize, oh, wow, this is happening because I'm letting my boundaries be crossed. And sometimes we think of boundaries like, oh, you know, I let the guy have sex with me, and we think of it in terms of big boundaries, right, where you feel like, oh, I've been violated, but actually, boundaries can also be like micro-boundaries. It can be little things that happen that you kind of pass off as like, oh, that's okay, but actually, those are the moments your boundaries are being crossed. And so, every time that I would, let's say, let a guy kiss me if I wasn't ready, or let a guy touch me in a certain place I wasn't ready, doesn't matter how soon or fast it happens. If I wasn't ready and I let it happen, that was a moment when I was kind of silently saying to myself, I don't respect myself. And then I start to run this narrative that it's the guy that doesn't respect me enough. But no, that only happens, and I build that story up because I let my boundary get crossed. Just those little micro-boundaries that just kind of just kept stacking up. And so, now I really, at this place in my life, have to be clear, because I notice it's been such a pattern that I let people get intimate with me too closely, that I actually need to be really upfront with guys about it and actually say, hey, I need you to ask me for permission. I know that might not be the sexiest thing to have guys ask you for permission or anybody when you're getting intimate, because it can sound really robotic. But for me right now, where I'm at, because I've let my boundaries get crossed so many times, I need to show up for myself and be like, is it okay if you ask for my permission before you escalate to the next step? Totally unsexy, and hopefully a couple months from now or a year from now, I won't have to do that anymore and I can just be totally clear with just gestures or hand movements like, this is not happening. But right now, that's what I need to do. So that's what's real for me in this moment right now. Wow. Well, you know, I just want to highlight a part where you're like, maybe someday it will not have to be this way, and I just want to stop there and be like, if it makes sense And if you need that, you don't even need to think about changing it. Yes. Thank you. Because there are some times where our boundaries become such a part of ourselves that they are magnetic, and you can just kind of like expel it, like it's just all over you, so people don't even dare to cross them. Wow. And there is another moment where you need to hear them. Right. And that's why you need to say it loud. Wow. I've been talking in the moment ago about a friend that I was practicing Boundaries with, and I felt like in life, mostly because I come from Latin America where you're dancing super sexy all the time, and there is a lot of men that feel entitled because you're dancing sexy, they will approach to you and they will get upset if you don't want to dance with them, so normally a Latin American girl needs to get really hard in their nose and be kind of like a bitch, you know? And that kind of transforms into this super hard nose, you know? Yeah. And it started to fill my boundaries cross, and having the same as you, like feeling like men will just search me for my body. Yeah. But then I realized that if I am not the one who is saying this loud, nobody else is going to do it for me. Right. So I can't expect them to know, at least that I raised my voice. And today that's not an issue anymore, because whenever I do go dance, it's kind of they are afraid to approach to me, until I say something different, you know? And practicing with my friend, she had the same kind of issue. Allowing a past lover to cross her boundaries so often, that she kind of felt like she was hurting other people by setting her boundaries. And when we practice boundaries together, the first thing that came up is like, if you feel like that's going to hurt somebody else, you need to do it. Whoa. Because first, it's hurting yourself, and second, if it's going to hurt that person, it means that that person is not respecting you. Hmm. You know? Because a person who will respect you and honor you, it will be fine with your boundaries, no matter what the boundaries are. Even if they make sense or they're not making sense. If you feel like you need to put that boundary there, it's the only thing that you need to know. Absolutely. And people who love you will respect that, and people who it's been like crossing your boundaries and they get something in return from you, they will get upset. And you don't want that people in your life. You don't want people in your life that get upset because you're setting boundaries, because we should just have people that honor ourselves. And that's just setting boundaries, you know? Right. But sometimes we have to be clear, because when we're not clear on our boundaries, it looks like we're giving. Exactly. And it looks like we're willing to give. So people will take what it looks like the other person is willing to give, and so we can't blame them for not knowing, because we never said anything. And also, it's because it comes from your energy. You know? Like, I feel like with this same friend, I've been seeing her process. And at the beginning, you could see her dancing, and a lot of guys will just approach to her, and she will feel so uncomfortable, and then she was like just going away, and then she will arrive to one place, and then more people will come. So it was like just all of this dance of the chaser and the runner. And then now that it's been a while, like ago since we started with this, when you see her, she's so empowered that now you can see that she's just dancing with the people she wanted to dance with. Wow. And she knows how to say her no so strong that it's like you can perceive that. She's not doing anything different, you know? But you can perceive that. And I feel like that's the important thing, because at the beginning, we don't know our boundaries. We don't know how to set that until they got across. And when we realize that that is something that is hurting us, we also need to hear it. Yeah. And there is like the power of we speaking loud how we defend ourselves, and then that becomes something usual. And then you don't need to speak loud anymore. Right. Because you are not attracting that into your life anymore. Absolutely. And it's just something magnetic. Absolutely. When our boundaries become part of ourselves, when we are so aware of what are our limits, our boundaries, our yes and our no, people can just feel it. Absolutely. And I think that's a part of boundaries that doesn't get talked about as much is that it is such an energetic thing. And it's a beautiful energetic phenomenon that happens when you put your boundaries in. Because yes, you are saying to yourself that I'm worth it. You're saying to yourself that I'm valuable and that I respect myself. And so you're creating that energy the minute you set that boundary. And then that's the frequency you're giving off. And that's what you were explaining the girl. She was magnetic and she was also having this space around her so that people weren't approaching her in a way that she wasn't comfortable with. It is an energetic thing. It is the difference between being needy or being anxious or I don't even know what else but like all those negative emotions that people can start to feel when they don't set their boundaries. And then they pull that energy in. Yeah. Because they're vibrating at this negative frequency. Yeah. It's like when you walk with fear on the street. You're going to get attacked. Exactly. And the people who are not afraid, they don't get attacked. Exactly. And it's just like energetic stuff. And I feel that that even gets more powerful to your yes. Like if you know what your no's are, then you're 100% yes whenever you're saying yes. Yeah. For me at least, it happens when I know that I want to dance with somebody. I'm so used to saying no that when I say yes, it's a fuck yes. Yes. Totally. And it's that thing that makes you empowered. Because also like you mentioned that when you need to set this, you're kind of unsure of how the other person is going to receive it. And then also, the other person might cross your boundaries without even knowing it. Right? Totally. So if I don't know how to say my no, I can't trust in my yes. Because I might end up just saying yes because I don't want to hurt the other person. And that's not a yes. Oh, that's not a yes. So when I know how to say no to others, and even to myself, like let's say the chocolate. When you know to say no to yourself because you might drink coffee too late, and you know that's not good for you, but you are able to say no, then the coffee in the morning is going to taste better. That's true. That's so true. So yeah, I think that's really important about knowing about boundaries. Because when you define your own sense of boundaries, then you are so empowered that you give like force to your yes. And you can endure your yes. Oh, I love that. It's without guilt. When I don't know how to say no, then my yes is kind of like fearful. And with guilt, because I shouldn't say no. I had this story with like toxic relationships and abuse and stuff. And I remember that I was so guilty every time that I would say yes to this yelling at me or like having sex afterwards. And I was like with all of this mental story like, oh my God, I shouldn't say no, I shouldn't say no. And then when I was there, I was like, I want to say yes. And then like all of this mental thing, I'm like, but why do you want to say yes? You know, like all of this stuff. And then every time that I would say yes, I was feeling so guilty. And it was hurting so much. Wow. But then when I say no, when I understood that I don't want to be with a person that treats me like shit. So then every time that that happened, I'm a no. Then when I'm with a person that treats me well, and I say yes to, it feels more real. Absolutely. And I don't have guilt. Yeah. And I am empowered, and I enjoy the yes. Yes, absolutely. And that makes me think, though, sometimes we, yes? Sometimes, do we need to do another one? It's broken down. Okay. So sometimes. Okay. And you make me think of like just to mention, sometimes we don't always know what our boundaries are in the moment. They can get gray. There's a lot of gray areas when it comes to boundaries, especially when you're in very like intense moments, heated moments, and like let's say intimate moments, too. I think that's the time we get the most confused because there's so much pleasure happening. You're like yes and no to yes and no. Yes and no, I know. And like, you know, women have a bad reputation for like, you know, saying that they don't want something, but then like their body like is giving all these other signs that they do want something, and okay, fine. And that happens, and I think what's important to bring up is that boundaries can change from day to day, and you might not know the reason why you have a certain boundary, but that's okay, and that all you know is what is a boundary for you in that moment, and there are going to be times when they get crossed, and that is important to accept and important to also not go into like a shame spiral on it and like this self-loathing spiral like, oh, I don't, you know, I have no sense of self-worth because I let my boundaries get crossed. Like people will run that dialogue on themselves, so I think it's important to be graceful and say, you know what? I did let my boundaries get crossed, but it doesn't mean that you can't do something about it the next time it happens, and it could be not even for intimate stuff, even just conversations. If you let someone like steamroll you or talk to you in a way that, you know, you vowed you would never let someone talk to you that way again. Human emotions and relations are so volatile, and they're so dynamic, and there's just always so much at play that we always have to bring in a sense of grace and forgiveness for ourselves and to the other person, too, because, yeah, that's life. That's life. It's not black and white. We're not robots, and we have emotions, and they change every single day. And also, like, that's super important because you might be there. Like, I don't know how many times when I was younger I was right there, and then everything was feeling great, and everything was feeling good, and like everything was going to that place, and then I would be like, no, I don't want you. And I used to feel, like, so guilty about it, right? Today I can stop right there and be like, you know what? That's enough, and we get just until this place. And I have learned how to step out of it and be like, either if I'm having a hard conversation and somebody raised their voice, I'm like, okay, this is my limit. I don't allow that anybody raise their voice to me, and now I need a space. Or then if I'm, like, in a sexual connection and I feel like I am feeling not good enough, so then I'm like, well, you know, I'm not feeling good anymore, so no. And that thing, I feel like it's that you know that this can come up in any moment. Yes. It's the important thing, because when you're afraid of, oh, my God, I should have said earlier, no, whenever you feel like the boundary needs to be set, that's the right moment. Absolutely. And you are 100% able to change your mind whenever the fuck you want. Yes, I love that. And without feeling guilt. You might be having this great date when everything was amazing and you just feel like butterflies everywhere, and then this person is going to kiss you, and then the kiss gets a little bit stronger, and then you're like, nope. Well, if your body's saying no, honor that. Amen. That's the moment of setting the boundary. And if the other person gets upset about that, thank you, because that means that you don't need to be in my life. That's right. And I think it's important in those moments, let's say it's in a very heated moment, if you don't have the courage to say it right then and there, at least take a break first. Take a breath and give yourself space, and then say something. But first, honor the body. If you're feeling something's not right, just be like, hey, wait a minute. Yeah. Take a space. Take a breath and take a space. Yeah, because if you want to be intimate with somebody, like, they'll still be there. Yeah. If it's really meant to be, they're still going to be there tomorrow, in an hour from now, a minute from now. So it's totally safe to take a little time. If the words don't come out of your mouth, at least just say, can we wait a minute? And that's the beautiful thing, because a person that will honor you, they will be fine with you setting boundaries at any moment. They will love that. Exactly. Because also, it makes your yes sexier. Totally. You know, buttons are sexy. They are. Because if you know how to say your no's like, yes, you'll figure it out. You know, like, you just know what you want. You just know what you don't want. Yeah. But if you're like, oh, yes, but no, but yes, but no, but how I can trust in you? Exactly. People go crazy about that answer. Exactly. When you're clear about that, when you know how to do it, there is going to be people in your life that they are going to encourage you to do it. They're going to be happy and they're going to celebrate and honor your true self. But when you have people that they get upset because you changed your mind or because they were expecting something else or because you were like leading to something else and then you back up, like any of those things, I share that you don't need in your life. Because if that people get upset because you are stepping into your truth, it's people that they were actually going to hurt you. That is so true. And you don't want people that is going to hurt you around you. Absolutely. If they get upset, then the door is super wide and you can just walk away. You can say goodbye totally. Yeah, because that's the important thing. I think that like we live in a society where we have like been forced to do so many things. Even in the spiritual thing, it's like you cannot even feel bad things. It's like everything is to have like a certain book of rules and shit. And then it's like whenever you realize that there are things that actually don't resonate with you, you feel guilt, you feel shame, and then you end up doing things that you don't want to do. Just because of what society tells you what you should do. So I feel like whenever you erase that and you put that to a side and you be like, I don't care whatever everybody does. If I don't feel good with it, I say no. Yeah, and it's like you said, it's super sexy. And I can't tell you how many guys when I've said, no, I'm not ready for this XYZ. And they actually respond with like, wow, that's so hot. Or that's so sexy, like I'm into that. And that's the whole point about it being an energetic thing. Yeah. It's like all of a sudden you're like, I have this respect bubble around myself. And then the people are attracted to that respect bubble. It's like, what is this energy I'm feeling? It's so juicy and powerful and beautiful. And so, yeah, set your boundaries proudly. Because everything is so right about them. And so that leads me to ask you, when is the time that you remember setting a boundary and asking for that? And when has that gone well for you? Like, it actually created a really beautiful effect. So, like, I will say that the relationship with my mother. Like, there was a point in time where I used to be young that, like, she would yell at everybody. And she has done her work, you know, like she's in constant work. She also had, like, a lot of things. I'm always excusing everything. Anyway, the thing is that, like, there was a point in time where she would yell at me. And I would just allow it to happen. At the beginning, I used to react. Then I kind of was like, okay, fuck it. She will always scream. But then it was never healthy for me. Until one day, I was like, you know what, you can't talk to me this way. And until you don't change your tone of voice, we are not having this conversation. And she was just like bananas, you know. She was like, you can't decide when we talk or not. And I was like, yep, I actually can. Because I can decide where I want to be and I don't want to be. And, you know, like, after that, like, we had to take a break, right? But then after that, when she came back, she was so respectful to me. That until today, we have a fucking great relationship. Wow. And we never fight. Like, when we disagree, we agree to disagree. Okay. That's so healthy. And we don't raise each other's voice, you know, and it feels so much better. Maybe. You know, because I feel like, to me, it becomes something that is part of my life. And I don't, I haven't been facing any more people that will repeat that story for me. Love that. And before, I used to have all of these crazy relationships or friends and boyfriends that they would repeat that story. And today, it's just like there is none of that people. And every single person that I have, like, experienced since then, even when we get a hard conversation and things start to get out of control, the common thing is to take a break and to be like, we can't keep talking about this. And it feels so good. Yeah. Because I also feel like I stand up for myself. Yes. You know, and I am not afraid anymore. I even take my conversations with more power because I know that I know how to take myself out of something that is not good for me. That's wonderful. Yeah. And I feel like the more clear we are with our boundaries, we're also telling the universe what we are a yes to. Yeah, definitely. And if any of you guys are interested in manifesting or trying to attract certain people into your life, the more you're clear with your boundaries, the more likely you're going to attract what you're a yes to. That's true. Yeah, definitely. How it works energetically. Yeah. It's like you need to know your no's to be able to discover your yes and to be able to work with your maybes. So, like, yeah, I feel like it's really powerful. And also, it just creates such a sexy energy. Like, as you said, I can't get tired of saying how sexy boundaries are. Like, they're just great. So, well, regarding to the time, I would just like to ask you if there's anything else that you would like to share with people today. Hmm. Let's see. Hmm. Yeah, I would say in exploring your boundaries, feel open to discuss with your friends, your community, what you're going through in your life. Be willing to be vulnerable because I guarantee you your share will actually help somebody else in the process. But primarily, though, I think it's good for us to talk about what we're going through and to give space to when we're not feeling right, when we're feeling like my boundaries have been crossed. I think the conversation with somebody else is such an important first step. Yeah. And then you can get clarity on how to move forward and how to put your boundaries in because it's not easy. Just because we're talking about it doesn't make it easy to set your boundaries. No. Right? Because you're dealing with another live person. And sometimes you have the strength to do that on your own. Yeah. Which is great. But there are a lot of situations that aren't so cut and dry. So, I think I just really encourage people to, you know, talk about what's happening in their life with others. That's true. And also remember just like your boundaries can always change. Yes. If it makes sense for you, that's great. That's how it needs to be. And if you feel like you don't need them anymore or you feel like you need to create some news, it doesn't matter what time they come. You can always honor them. And you can always change them. And nothing needs to be black or white. Everything can be just flexible. Yes. And nothing has to be forever. Like, we are not forever. Yes. So, like, even boundaries can change. I love that. If it makes sense for you, just do it. Yes. That's my best advice for people. Totally. I second that. 100%. So, well, thank you so much for being here again. Thank you. I am looking forward to have you more times here. Okay. I love it. I'm down. And we're going to keep practicing this all of your stuff. I know. I need to know about each other better as always. So, but today, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, thank you. I love you. And for everybody, see you soon. Remember that you can always make a review and ask us what do you want us to talk about. Yes, please. So, see you soon. Bye. Bye. Bye.