Domestic Violence Part 1

In this conversation, Willa Power and Janetta Brown discuss the reasons why people hurt others. They agree that hurt people often hurt others because they don't know how to change their behavior. They also discuss the importance of having someone to help and support them during difficult times. They emphasize the need to have a relationship with God and how it can bring about positive change. They share personal experiences of domestic violence and the importance of self-love and forgiveness. They also discuss the challenges of leaving abusive relationships and the need for education and support for those who have experienced domestic violence. Welcome, welcome, welcome back to Hurting People Do Cry. Everybody has a story to tell. My name is Willa Power and today I have with me Janetta Brown. Janetta, would you like to say something? Greetings. How is everybody doing on today? To God be the glory for the great things He is doing. Amen, amen. Well, I'm not alone today. Today we're just going to be talking randomly about hurting issues. Last week I was still talking about why do people hurt people? What hurt other people? What are being said to people to make that person be so hurt? And how does the other people handle it? Janetta, anything you want to talk about today? Well, just right on that same issue, why people hurt people is because they hurt. And it's exactly what you said. Hurt people hurt people because they don't really know how to change that. And so a lot of times I think that when we hurt people it's a lash out because we are hurting and looking for a resolution. A lot of times we need to be able to have somebody to, you know, kind of help us out, but we don't know how to ask. And so sometimes not being able to ask will bring more hurt because you figure if I'm hurt, then I want somebody else to hurt like me. Misery enjoys company. And I thought about that when we were talking just earlier. Sometimes we get hurt and then we retaliate because we don't really know nothing else to do. Right. And I think in this season we are both Christ-like, we are both kingdom citizens, and one of the things that we know now is that the Word of God says that he came with John 10. He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. But in that we have to know how to have life. Right, right. And so life has all kinds of components. There's times when you hurt. There's times when you laugh. There's times when you cry. There's times that love shows up. There's times when, you know, just depression. I mean, there's so many facets of life. But if we have Christ in our life, then there's a shift or a change that will take place that won't necessarily have us in that realm of hurting somebody else or retaliating or, you know, trying to make them feel bad. However we decide to do it, we'll find then that when we are in Christ, we have a better life. We have to learn how to change that lifestyle. Right, because I was listening to, watching a program the other night, and one lady was on there, and she was talking. She was talking about that she was mad at her boyfriend, and she said she loved him, but she just said things just to hurt him. Don't mean it, but they just want to say something just to hurt them because in some form or fashion that person hurt them. So when they get in this argument, she'll tell them, oh, I don't like you, or blah, blah, blah, you know, words I don't want to use right now. But she said she'd do it because she just wanted to say things to hurt them back. So did he hurt her? Well, apparently they got in some type of argument. I don't know. I probably came in on that last end to see what the argument was about. But when I was watching, she said, I just wanted to say something to hurt you because you hurt me. So I'm not sure what the situation is, and then we do have people like that. I can tell you an incident like with my daughter. My daughter got in there, and she used to say some of the meanest stuff to me just to hurt my feelings. And then she'll come back and say, well, you know, Mama, I didn't mean to say that. I was just angry. You know, but like I told her, once you say something, that tongue is a deadly weapon. And once you say something, you can't take them words back. And what you're doing to that next person on the inside, you don't hurt their heart. But you actually mean what you say. When you say it, and people, well, I didn't mean to. Yes, you did. Because a drunk person will say what they say, and when a person is drunk, they're going to say what's on their mind. But, you know, even for a sober-minded person, it can be like that. They say what they mean. I think something that I learned is the tone in which you say it in, and that part really does hurt. So I noticed just in argument, I don't like to argue. That's just not my forte. I'm going to already tell you that I agree with whatever you said quickly before I start arguing. Because I don't like arguments. One, I don't like confrontation. Only because I have seen some results of things that I have done behind confrontation, and I don't like it. So I try to spare myself and that person anything that could happen that I won't necessarily be in control of. But one of the things that I have learned is people say what they mean, and it's how they say a thing. And at the time, yeah, that may be true that you didn't mean it to come out. Right. But you meant what you said. But it came out. Exactly. And so I think that when we change our heart, when we change our surroundings, when we change the words that come out of our mouth by reading the word of God or being around positivity, or even having just generalized conversations that are good things, your wording changes and your heart changes. And then how you respond or how you reply to a person will change because all of that hatred or animosity or anger is not there. It doesn't have room in you. So that means that you have removed that from there and you won't respond that way. Bitterness shows up in our conversations. And if you say something to somebody and you, I just I don't like you or I can't stand you, I got to come back. You can't sit me either. But I used to be a tit for tat, and I had to learn that that fuels, that will build up. That's like a fire. You will build it up, keep adding something to it. And so what I've learned to do now is just learn how to be quiet. Silence is golden. I think in the first testimony is four in there somewhere, 411. I think it is a 412. It says study to be quiet. Just be quiet. Just be quiet because I know a lot of people with domestic violence and someone gets killed in that domestic violence and it's coming from a lot of arguing back and forth, back and forth. But you know, my mom and them always say they'll argue by themselves and eventually they'll shut up. You know what I'm saying? And then I just feel like if you just going to keep arguing with that person and that person get more angry and then you have this domestic violence and somebody eventually either get killed or get hurt. You know, so I'm pretty much like you. I'm more humble than what I used to be. I'm not going to let nobody run over me, but I'm humble. But like you said, I'm not going to sit here and argue with you because I don't like arguing. I don't like confrontations. I just sit there and listen to you and then let them get it out of their system. Sometimes that is really what people need to do and learning how to just watching the person and seeing exactly what it is that they're saying. If there's a response necessary, then respond. But sometimes you don't need to respond. They do need to get it out. But when you're talking about domestic violence or partner's violence or any kind of violence in that way, there is something else going on. You know, I've learned that some people just want to be in control and we call that narcissism. And you have some people that lose control based on drugs, alcohol, or other issues that come along. And all of those things still have the same background is that you need to change how you think, change what you say, change what you're around or what you allow to come in you. TV is just a prime example of that. When you are watching certain things on television, stories, then women are going to believe or men too, this is real life. Horror movies, this is real life. You know, all those things because that's what you're feeding yourself. And so that's what yourself has in it. And so one of the things that I've just learned being an overcomer of domestic violence is that it wasn't my fault. And the fact that any of the hits or any of the things that made them angry or whatever the violent words or, you know, the cursing out or whatever the lashing may have been was something that they had in them. They had to get it out with somebody. So they figured this was easier to do it in a closed environment than it would be, you know, sometimes to do it outside. And learning those things and I've come through the black eyes, being hit by a cast iron crowbar, being pushed, being swung on by a machete, having the guns put to my head, thanking God that it didn't go off while I'm here. So thank God. I've had the, you know, just being sit down on and just beaten to a pulp, tied up, hung on the back of a door. I mean, I could go on and on and on with the list of the things and verbal abuse. You name it. I have experienced it and not just in partnership. I've had some people who say they were my friends who have had those same types of. Responses to me, you know, parenting, sibling, that all of those things. And at first I was like, hmm, it's me because I was the common denominator. But what I realized was, no, it's not me. What it is is they wanted me to be a wimp. They wanted me to allow them to be, you know, I can beat her or say ugly things to her because they knew that I was going to forgive them. And obviously, God, I forgave them. But what I learned was I can forgive you. I can't forget about it, but I don't have to continue to allow you to do that. And so I've learned I learned how to separate myself. And I learned to watch those type of people as they come into my circle. I'm very much so aware of it. And I'm looking like, oh, I already recognize what this is. The spirit of discernment is always on chart. And recognizing that and saying, no, you know what? I appreciate you calling me. I appreciate you coming back. And thank you so much for thinking of me. And what else I would do is I appreciate that. But I'm going to go ahead and go. But it's but it was nice to see you again or whatever the case might be, because I was I'm no longer going to be that doormat. I was when I say doormat, you could walk all over me. And I didn't say anything because I thought I just served images to humble, not even humble. I was stupid. This is the truth. I was all stupid. And I did because I didn't want to cause them any harm. Right. So allowing people to cause me harm, I was just stupid. I'm the way it is. All right. I know you really didn't mean it. Yes, they did. They did everything that they said or did. And I think the guy the guy who had beat me with the cast iron pole, he was what? Probably six, three or five. Oh, they thought I got hit by a truck because of the damages that were done to my body. And when I got there to the emergency room, the doctor, he looked at me. He he say you. And he was just looking around at me. He said, did you do we need to file a police report? And I said, well, yeah, I'm going to file a police report. He said, but where did the accident happen? I say, I don't understand. He say, where's the wreck? I said, no, sir, this wasn't the wreck. This was abuse. I was being with the cast iron pole. My my thigh, my calf and my tailbone on one side and then my arm on the other side. And the arm part, because I blocked my face and I'm trying to walk on crutches with a with a hurt arm, couldn't move. And you should see me. I was a whole pitiful mess. I was laughing at myself. I say, honey, you got four left feet. Talk about my two feet and the two crutches. I couldn't do nothing. But I had to make some sound decisions. I couldn't beat the guy physically. But my mind is on force to be reckoned with. And I devised a plan. So whatever happened to that person? He married now. Trust me when I tell you I I believe he found Christ. And that was a good thing. You know what I mean? And at the end of the day, we can look at murderers. We can look at child abusers. We can look at all of those people. And we have a certain kind of feeling about them. But at the end of the day, if they repent and become godly, sorrowful, if God can forgive them, we are responsible to forgive them too. Now, does it mean that we're not going to be wise or have, you know, some wisdom about the things? But it just means that we're going to have to give them the same opportunity that God gave us. And we can't look at them to say, well, I remember when you did this. Yeah, you can remember that all of those things are fine. But don't hold them charged to that because God has no longer holding them charged. And so we got to learn how to hold that place in our heart and say, God, the same way you forgave me, the same way you gave me another chance. I have to do the same thing. I'm still going to be wise about my dealings, but I'm going to be able to say, you know, God forgave them. And so can I. Now, with the guy who put the machete to my neck, I met him and his wife and I was able to talk to him. And, you know, I just like they were people that I had met in the ministry. I did not say anything to his wife. I don't know if he did, but I did. I greeted her with a holy kiss and I went on about my business. Wow. Did he speak to you? He did. He did. He introduced me to his wife as somebody that he knew. He didn't go into detail, but he introduced me to his wife and I was fine with that. I mean, because I listen, I'm not without fault. Right. And so one of the things but I mean, and this is just me. It's the word of God for me. You know, that's what's keeping me. That's what's helping me to grow and help me to develop and help me to forgive. Somebody had to forgive me. You know, I'm not the one that says, you know, I was so sweet and I was good. But I know I was not. But I know that you reap what you sow. Exactly. And God knows that's true. Let me ask you a question. What are your thoughts on women that's involved in domestic violence and they get out of it, but they go back into the same situation? What are your thoughts about that? Well, my one of my thoughts is they don't know how to change because no one has taught them. After you get out, what happens next? You know, some women are in the place of security when there's a man present. And so they will accept the beatings because they're thinking of security. But you have to I mean, the Bible says, train up a child in the way he should go. Oh, he won't depart from the way. Now we can take that same scripture and look at it from a different perspective. And that would be once a person has come out of a violent situation, they have to be, first of all, detoxified. They need to know how to fear for themselves, how to live for themselves, how to care for themselves. They need to know how to love themselves. And that's one of the main issues. You've got to know how to love you. Once you know how to love you, then you'll know you are valuable. Your value is greater than anything. We heard a message not too long ago about I'm greater than market value. And we'll just go ahead and shout out Pastor Urban Barry Scott for that great word. Because that word was good for my soul. But from that, knowing your value, knowing that you are worth more. God says you are the apple of his eye. He says that I have made it created you in my image, in my life. We have to teach that people don't know that people don't understand. And not just women, but there are men who experience these same types of verbal abuses or the women who beat them and hit on them. And them being a man, not necessarily wanting to hit her back, but wanting to make sure that the kids in the house. It's just so many facets. I was listening to Terry Crews and he was talking about his father who beat his mom. And how it was just on a podcast not too long ago. And he said, he told his daddy, if you do it again, there were going to be some repercussions. And Terry said, oh, I'm bigger than you now, huh? And bam, bam, bam. I don't think people got to grow up. You know, and that was the other part of it. There is a lack of maturity that is in domestic violence. Yes, it is. That goes male and female. We, because when you grow up, some things that you have had in your household, we see men who abuse. Now, let me just, I'm going to be a prime example. I come from an abusive home. And when I say that, I mean that by saying there was verbal abuse. Both my parents retaliated one against the other. There was obviously there were gunshots. There was hit by a car. I mean, you name it. There was things that took place. And so there was whoopings. There was, you know, my favorite was my father who called me a bitch. And he just let me know that's who he thought I was. And I'm like, oh, okay. I mean, what can I do? Because that's how you feel. That's how you feel. And but I did not allow that to keep me in a bound situation. Now, granted, that's now. But before that, I felt like if my daddy didn't love me, what, no man going to love me. And all of the relationships that I would end were prime examples of that. Never being in a loving relationship. That's pretty much all you saw. That's it. That was what I knew. So I was a product of what I had already been a part of. And so it was not until I learned to value myself that I realized I'm better than that. You know, you don't have to hit me to love me or to make me love you back. And so I guess when I look at things from that time back, I'm learning now, man, you was just someone. You just let anybody do anything to you and call it all right. You know, but that was my life then. And I was alone. I had my three sons. I didn't have the comfort and joy of a husband. So I didn't have help in my upbringing with my children. So my children are products of learn as you go. And it was not always the best. But at the end of the day, in my now life, when I realized that I've done something that was not beneficial to my kids, I will reach out to them and apologize because I say to them, I'm sorry. It was something that I was not aware of or something that I could have done better. And I did. My mother said, you know better, you do better. But not always the truth, because the no better part of it has to be valuable or has to be beneficial before you can do better. Because of using dirty water to wash clean dishes don't work. Don't work. So it's water, you know, and that's that's what you're looking at. But I mean, looking at women who go back, I had every relationship I had. The man beat me, beat me, but was he one black the eyes and then fought anybody else who would look at me. And I'm thinking, why? They just say, hey. And that was his thing. I had one who locked me in the house and wouldn't let me out. And I'm thinking, well, why? Because I don't want nobody to be around you when I ain't here. What? Controlling. Very. I've had the cast iron pole. I've had the machine. I mean, you know, I could just go on and on. I decided that I didn't want to be in those types of relationships. So I just started doing something else. And I did what benefited me. Right. What benefited me. And then after that didn't really satisfy me. I kind of did something else. And then that didn't satisfy me. I said, you know what, God, I'm tired. I want to come home. And I did. And I turned over my life just at that time. Most of those was back to letting state anyway. But I decided I said, Lord, I need to do better. And I need your help. And Holy Spirit, I'll never forget. I was sitting on the front porch. And I say, help me. And all I heard was one. That was just a number. It was probably a couple of weeks later when I failed. I said I failed. And I got back up. Scripture says a just man follows seven times, but he gets back up. So I got back up. And then my get up, I heard one. So basically it was a countdown or a count up. And as I began to mature and grow, and that's where my study and then the word came from. And I realized I was better than that. And I started to see all of these scriptures that tell me who I was and how I can do this and how I can do that. I said, oh, shoot, they're good. And I became more aware of me. And then I realized I didn't have to accept that. So all of those things happened. And now I just look back on them. And I say, God, I thank you that you brought me out, that you brought me over, and that you brought me through. But I'm an example. And I believe that women that go back just need that moment or that love, that teaching. They need a community. They need a tribe that will kind of, you know, close them in and let them know that there is more out here for you, that you don't have to accept this. And it did help them change their minds, change their thought patterns, and change how they view themselves, not putting on pretty clothes and makeup, because we like covering up, but we want to work from the inside out and help them. I was just thinking, and not meaning to interrupt you, but I was thinking, you know, they have places where women can go if they're being beaten or being domestic violence. And my question is, when these women or men go to these locations, what are you all teaching these people? Well, Or you just give them something to read, or you really talking to them? Because like you said earlier, we're more than market value. We're more than a conqueror. We're the head, not the tail. You understand what I'm saying? And I think the more we teach women or teach men that have been going through these domestic violence to really let them know that they're more than what they say to you all, that you are loved. The people that beat you may not love you the way you want to be loved, but just know that God loves you, and that's all that matters. But like you said, it's hard to really, what's the word I'm looking for? It's hard to really get them to understand that if they don't really want to hear it. Do that make sense? It does. Some of the battered women's shelters or other shelters or other places, they do have programs that they work within the program to try to, first of all, most of them just trying to get the women to a safe place and the kids to a safe place, or if it's a man, to a safe place. And so that's one of the primary things that they're doing. Once that safety has been secured, counseling, you have church, you have therapies. There are so many other things that are available, and they all work together so that they are able to help this person become the person that they want to be and to help them overcome the obstacles that have been placed before them in that time frame. So I think where we are today is just understanding that there are places out there readily available and then how you obtain the help that you need. To your next statement, some of them don't know how to reach out for help, so they're going to always go back because they think that this is just what they deserve or that there's nothing out here that can help me. You see, we see men and women who are sleeping on the streets, who are, you know, at families' houses or whatever, and it's temporary. And those things come by way of some type of violence or there's some type of mental health. Some of those things just have multiple facets of issues which make them stay in those situations. It's just what it is. Low self-esteem, pretty much. It could be low self-esteem, but some of it just could be that there's never been an introduction of an alternative. Right. So I think at any rate, what we should do as a people is our part. You know, again, and you know, if you know anything about me, you know the scripture is going to come out of my mouth. The scripture says, when you have gained strength, reach back and strengthen your brother. Paraphrasing, but that's what we are responsible to do. So once somebody reaches out and says, hey, I need help, extend help. If they don't reach out and say, I need help, but if you see them in need of something, provide it. And if you've done your part, then that's all you are responsible to do. But then you bathe it in prayer and you continue to stay forward and focus on those things and you extend opportunities. The school system, well, let me rephrase that, used to have opportunities to help people. You know, when they see things that went on in the household, they would kind of report it to social services or other places. I'm not sure how the systems of today work, but I do know that we can work together. And Romans, what, 8, it says all things work together for them. And I'm going to say for them, everybody don't love God. That's true. But for them. And so we all can work together to get somebody the help that they need. Now, once we offer the help and if they so choose to help, then we can keep going. But if you offer them the help and they decide that that's not for them, then you do what the scriptures say. You dust it off your feet and you keep on moving. And I think that's what we have to do. We can't, you can't help everybody because everybody don't want to be helped. But you can love what you can and you can help who you can. And then you go about your business. Well, Janelda, I really want to thank you. You have really been a blessing today with your knowledge and everything and your testimony. A lot of people probably say, oh, Lord, she's been through something. But, you know, we all have been through something. And some people go through it worse than others. You may think what you done went through is terrible, but somebody has really went through it more than you. And you are a survivor. Indeed. From what you have been through. You have really blessed me. And I'm sure she has blessed somebody out there. And what I want to do right now, I want to give you my e-mail address just in case that you want to respond to what we talked about today. You can send an e-mail address to WP Production. WP as in Paul. Production at gmail dot com. You can send us an e-mail and we can respond back to it. And like I want to say, like I said earlier, we're not here to bash anyone. This podcast is to help other people because we don't know what other people are going through. And someone else's testimony can help somebody out there that's listening. And just like I just said, you think you went through something. This young lady, Janetta Brown, went through something. But guess what? She's still here and she's still surviving. And I want to thank her for coming out here and talking. We're going to talk about this again, Part 2, next Wednesday. We'll be back on. And I want to thank everybody that's listening. Like I said, please send us an e-mail, WP Production at gmail dot com. And we will pull the e-mails out. We'll read them and we'll discuss what you want to talk about. And that's the purpose of this podcast, to help each other. Anything you want to say, Janetta, before we go? I want to say thank you so much for the opportunity to come out and talk with you on today. And to all of the listeners, just know that God is with you. To God be the glory. Amen. And we'll talk to you next week. Have a great day. Bye-bye. ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪