Session 0: Dave's birthday

A group of friends, including Dave, gather together for his 45th birthday. They exchange gifts, including a robin tea, rocks polished to look like pearls, sticks, and a finger bone. They enjoy cake and kebabs, but realize that Dave's wife Linda is missing. They are unsure of her whereabouts and speculate if she may be involved in a new adventure. So you guys all got together once, specifically for Newman's birthday. Sorry, not Newman, Dave, your favorite accountant. So for your 45th birthday, Dave, you were allowed by Linda to have everybody together, and that's going to be our teeny tiny little session that we do before we're over. So don't let too much white play in your head, don't get it on your muscles. I wish Linda still loved me. She said it out loud a little bit. Everybody's like, what did you wish for, Newman? All right, so it is, what season is your birthday in, Newman? Newman? No. Or Dave? I'm all messed up. Dave? I'm a spring baby. Thanks for a good week. Oh, they're incredible. Body Mist did an amazing job. Are they going to be too spicy for Dave? Yeah. That's okay, because Girolamo knows what you like. Who's his bartender? Yes, it's a beautiful day in spring. Girolamo offered to cook up some stuff for your birthday, because he also appreciates you. You work with him infrequently. I had a Madhook food special in there for you. Yeah, there's teeth. Teeth in Dave's cake. I just pick out the teeth. In character, please, Stan. Oh, I don't know his voice yet. That's fine. That's good enough. This is why we're here. Girolamo is having a great time around the edges of things. Are we at the tavern? No, you're out in a nice little sunny back area. Of the tavern? Of the tavern now. They decided they deserve a back area. They have a little yard back there. It's full of tons and tons of flowers, because Girolamo really likes to garden. And you guys are having a tiny bit of pancake, no, cake, cake. You're having a great time, specifically because Linda hasn't shown up yet, and it's wonderful. Which one of you arrives first? Newman's pretty punctual. Newman's punctual? All right. Newman, what do you bring Dave for his birthday? And present it to him in character, please. Shit. Newman, your good old gnomish friend who is three foot tall, waddles out of the back door and comes bearing a gift. Oh, hey, Newman. How's it going? Oh, my poor thing is horrible. Don't harm her, Newman. Don't harm her. You're two in the same voice. Oh, I am. I absolutely are. I'm stuck in bed a lot. Bevel is so easy to use. Sounds like Bevel and Jamaican. My poor thing is horrible. What did you bring for me here? I brought you a robin tea. A robin tea? Oh, thanks. Linda doesn't want me to have this, but, you know, make it a special occasion. I take it and I put it in my pocket. Beautiful, beautiful. Who's next to arrive? Frank? Oh, no, it's the ghost. Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo's the next to show up. Okay. No, hold on. Hold on. How does... Hold on. How does Yoo-hoo usually enter a scene? Leg first. Legs first. There's a spotlight that comes down from seemingly nowhere to the door, and then one leg kicks out through the door, and then the other. Oh, my good friend, Yoo-hoo. Oh, hey, Yoo-hoo. Hey. No, I'm going to have to work on that. Okay, that's fine. I think it's going to be kind of gravelly. Oh, no. Have a good one, yeah. Yoo-hoo's lady leg. All right, and what did Yoo-hoo bring for Dave's birthday? Yoo-hoo brought... Oh, what does she got there? I brought a... a collection of what looks like pearls. No. But they're actually just small white rocks that I found in the sewer and have ground down sewer pearl-y spheres and polished. Oh, thank you. They've been sloshing around inside of my shell for the last six months. Oh, I like that. They're smooth. They're perfectly smooth. Why don't we put them into a necklace and give them to Linda? She'll love them. Okay, who shows up next? I think Grenda will show up next. Okay. She has to travel through sewers. She went through the bathroom. There's a toilet that's out of service. She was looking for the hot gas that was going on in the bathroom. Oh, my favorite naked old woman, Grenda. Hey, Grenda. I don't think you said Linda first. My favorite naked old woman, Linda. So, Grenda comes sliding out of the out-of-order bathroom window. Yep. And what have you brought? Okay, sorry I'm late. There's some pretty good hot gas going on in the bathroom. Well, tell me about it. I brought some sticks. Sticks? They were roommates. They were roommates the whole time. Oh, my God. I'll have to ask more about that later. What am I going to do with these sticks? They're yours. Okay. That's what I'm saying. Well, I'll do something nice with them. Make something for Linda. You can, I think, put some mixture of old and new together with them. Oh, good idea. You're full of good ideas. All right. Coming around the outside of the building is the small, unmistakable figure of Stank. A character that you've all seen long distance and some of you have actually interacted with. Stank may be newer to you. You may have heard rumor of the strange floating small man corpse. The dead elf. In media where there's like a factory that's producing robots and they have like an assembling line. My imagination carries me by my head. I kind of hang limp. I was kind of just imagining you like nose for autism. I like that. Float through the door. Like the glue. Yeah. Yeah. No one will be able to open the doors, so he's coming from around. Is the mace hand like a magic hand or is it like a skeleton hand? It is a spectral skeleton. A spectral skeleton hand. Yeah. Okay. It won't be a party without my old friend Stank. Oh, Dave, how's it going, buddy? Oh, it's okay. I still think we're on the couch. Hey, happy birthday. Well, thank you. What's this? It's a finger bone of a saint. I stole it. I got it from the church reliquary. Well, I won't ask you any more questions. Dumb. It feels powerful. It's got some juice in it. Okay. Thank you. Want me to invest this or just, you know? Not for you, bud. This is for me? Oh, great. All yours. That shit looks quite familiar. Do you believe this is there? I don't know. Again, we're getting there. We're getting there. I'm working on it. It's just one bone. He doesn't need it. He's dead. Okay. Aren't you a little respectful? It was smoking well over there. I do that for my glove off. Now, Dave, I'm going to give you... That's me. ...the option to have also planned something for your favorite customers and or just have a birthday about you. Ooh. Your only customers, I guess. Your favorites. No, they're the most troublesome, never mind. I mean, no, I just have a birthday cake. Okay. I just hand out a piece of cake to all of them. It's beautiful. Everybody... What kind of cake? Uh... White. Yeah, well... Kind of frothed. Vanilla. A frothed vanilla. With bread. It's bread with some sugar in it. Very far out. It's just sprinkled on top. It's not even mixed in. Oh, Linda made it. Actually, no, she didn't. I made it. I'm glad you guys are here. Where is the old... I don't know. She was supposed to be here an hour ago. Okay, anyways. Oh? I don't know. I mean, I mean... Oh, man. I'm all over it. What are you talking about? I actually can't give up cake energy. Oh, well, you don't have to change it. Are you trying to help me sing Happy Birthday? Oh, please. Happy birthday! Happy birthday! That's enough. That's quite enough of that. Geronimo comes out with a plate of kebabs and offers them up to you guys. Can't have you guys making too much noise. You may scare off my future customers. Are there any customers in there? The place is actually pretty poppin' at this time. There's lots of people. They all know what's happening on the back and they chose not to come out here. Everyone in town... I like the idea everyone in town hates me because I'm a bad accountant. These four don't know any better. Everybody hates Linda. Linda, they don't respect you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Geronimo comes up and hands out everybody some meat to go with their lovely birthday cake. Looks so good. Love the cake. And then goes on to Dave and is like, I got you a little something too. What's it gonna be? It is paperwork. Oh, my favorite. Yes. It's just a suggestion. Loosely. It's for divorce. I look at him and I shake my head and I hand it back to him. Well, better luck next year. I'm happy to hear it. Now he's a lawyer. Now he's a lawyer. You know I love her. We're gonna make it work. You know I love her. Yes. I do. What's his name again? Geronimo. Geronimo. You officiated my wedding. I did do that. Under threat. He still hasn't forgiven himself. I never will. Never will. Now, are you sure, Dave? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. She's the light of my life. No way would I never believe that. It's so true. Where is she, by the way? I admittedly didn't tell her it was later in the evening and send one of my pals over there. She'll be by any minute. It's fine. I haven't seen her in a few bulbs of the grease. You know, I haven't seen her either. Where is she? Just at that moment, a man comes wandering into the backyard looking kind of scraggly. You recognize him as... Steven Johnson. Yep. He is a perpetually looking like he's shedding snake. Never looks very good. Doesn't seem to be able to keep any weight on himself and has really pitiful, stumpy legs. But a snake body. Teeny arms as well. Like a really bad newt. Okay, a snake with legs and little arms. Yeah. Steven Johnson. Steven Johnson wiggles his way up and goes ahead and whispers something in Geronimo's ear. And Geronimo is like, What do you mean she wasn't at her house? He was supposed to seduce her. She wasn't at her house? Probably fine. When was the last time you saw Linda? Well, it's been pretty heavy with work lately so I haven't had a chance to really check. But a couple of days at least. A couple of days. Okay, it's probably fine. Is there a new adventure in town? Any new adventures? No, it's not really adventure season. Okay. Luna should be a home. It's a dungeon I set them in once you invested them is what I'll say. Okay. All right. I'll close. I'll close the tab. Sorry. It's fine. Fine. I didn't need the money. I never do. I go to give him a high five and I miss. Go ahead and roll. You don't even wait for him to put his hand up? Oh, that is a nat one. Worst roll of the game. He has lightning fast B reflexes thinking that you're trying to smack him. He poops out of the way. And you hit poor, poor Steven Johnson. Oh, no. Right in the eyeball. Oh, Steven. Steven, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. And he reels back and gets you with his tail, his little lip. Okay. It can take a little point of damage. All right. Thank you for the book. Hey, it's his birthday. He has four hands and you missed all of them. I'm going to pull an eyepatch out of my pocket and hand it to Steven Johnson. Steven Johnson puts on the eyepatch and says, Thank you. Is this a birthday tradition? I want to slap him next. Do you go to slap him? Yeah, I go to slap you. Me? Yeah. All right. You roll to hit. 16. Plus what to hit? Plus... This is an arm strength. Strength? Minus two. 14. You hit. Okay. This is an arm strike. Roll D4 damage. I think it's just a point of damage plus your strength. A one point plus your strength? Okay. Negative one. I feel your eyes. Oh. That feels good. Thanks. You run a very wet hand over Dave's face and your palm feels uncomfortably dry now. I hate that. The last one was here. The last one was here. All right. You guys wind your evening down pretty nicely. You're supplied just mead after mead after mead. Geronimo always starts by immediately finding Dave's cup as soon as it's empty and filling it again. And the night starts to wind down when you hear a pecking at the back door. Well, cheers to the only accountant in town. That's me. I raise it and we all cheer. Cheers. Happy birthday. Constable Clock comes out of the bar in the cabin and his big pooch waving nicely as he walks because he's also part ostrich. Dave's lovely family. And little spurs on the back of his actual ostrich spurs jingling because he rides some animal, I guess. He shouldn't have put spurs on this man. He's an ostrich. And he comes out and... He's an ostrich with a human body coming out, right? Yeah. It's awful. Yeah, but it's a great wrinkly human body that matches the ostrich. Yeah. He's pink and bald at the top. Okay. Yeah. And he comes out and says, I've been hearing some complaints about the noise you guys are making. You're pretty quiet. Yeah, I'm deaf. How does it go? Yeah. Good one. Oh, yeah. I got a high five. Shove your jork. Shove your jork, nark. Shove your jork, nark. Yeah. My jork. I rolled a 13. Did I high five him? Yeah, you did. He high fives you with one of his ostrich wings from the side of his ostrich body. Does he not have arms? No, not anymore. Oh, my God. I have a visualization of what he did. He's a criminal. Is he just an amputee? Muscle body. Wings? Nope, the wings are on the ostrich body. Okay. How does he handcuff me? Now, Constable Clutch keeps order in a very simple way, and that is that he's been known to trample criminals to death. He can kick really hard. He can kick really hard. When the high five lands, I go, Oh, that's never happened before. It feels really good. It's because I take good care of my plumage, and he leans all the way over and preens himself, and then leans back up. I just wanted to come by and wish you a happy birthday. Like 45 years ago. 45 years in my eyes, that's for sure. I was wondering where Linda might be. I was thinking about the same thing. She's not here. Have you seen her? No, not recently. Are there any adventurers in town that you know about? Well, recently some turned up dead, but they were boneless. I'd do a side glance. I'm hiding behind a bottle. Our morgues have a terrible, terrible rate. When I became constable, I thought that crime would be my main concern, but really the mysteries of this town, they give me all the bags of what used to be people. I don't know anything about that. Well, that's not important, especially on your big day. You've got bones. You're not a bag of people. 45 years. All the time. Never stop being 45. That's what I always say. I go to chink his glass, and then I realize he doesn't have one, so I just awkwardly put it back in. Nope. He pecks at it with his beak. You raise it up towards him. He has a beak. He's digging his head with the beak. Don't worry, I'll calm him. I just sent our bottom towards our armless human torso, very wrinkly. Human face? Human face. Is it an ostrich beak? Yes, of course it is. Oh, no, is that where the chicken comes in? They have kind of fleshy beaks, you know what I mean? Do they? Yeah. Flattered. Yeah. I've got a feeling for them, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Not healthy. I could be right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, if you haven't seen your wife, and I haven't seen your wife, then I'm going to go ahead and assume that this... We're separated. You're separated? Yeah, we're still... Oh, my God. We're separated. Wait. And Jeralma shakes his head. Oh, so you didn't take the papers. It didn't work. No, not this year. Oh, okay. Well, maybe next birthday. Every year we get a little closer, I think. Oh, I just wanted to give you... Hold on. Where is it? And he goes under his right wing and pulls out a teeny tiny little bag. And he's like, I wanted to give this to you at a birthday gift. Why are you talking weird? Because I got a bag of my own beak. Here, have it. Thank you. He opens up, and inside is a little sheriff star that says, Deputy Accountant. I made up a title. Oh, thank you. So that you can feel important for at least a minute. It's always good to feel important on your birthday. Yeah, you, uh... Does this mean I can feel proud of you? I don't know that I've ever... I mean, is that something you want? Do you want the power of deputy? No, you have the power of a deputy account. Oh, okay. You can do all the accounting for a deputy. I don't have one. So you want me to account for you. For your deputy. Okay. For a deputy. If you ever have a deputy during your lifetime... I get to account for them. ...which at 45, looking at you, may not be much longer... You know what? Maybe we should go on a mission or two. How do you feel about jogging? Uh, I'm not a fan. That's fair. That's fair. We'll talk about it. Yeah. And, uh, he... Linda likes me the way I am. Awkwardly. Yeah, she does. Yeah, she does. Um, he makes his way over to drama for a moment. And, uh, every roll perception check, please. 19. Not 20. Ooh, num, num, num. Ooh? Even. Uh, 15. I got a... 15. Okay, thanks. It smells really nice out here because of all the flowers. I was... Also, I was really thinking about how I'd love to get my hands on a share of stones. I want to see that feel, too. What's going on? The craziest thing? Maybe someday you'll find out. You do live a long time. It's probably the thing that's kept you in this town the longest. I'm already dead. The rest of you, unfortunately, Dave as well, hear very distinctly the constable telling Girolamo that he received a missing persons report. And they talk amongst themselves for a moment. And good ol' Stephen joins in. And they're like, well, I got a missing persons report, like, this morning about Linda being gone from one of the local adventurers, like, shortly before they went off on their mission and never returned. And Girolamo says, yeah, they ain't gonna be back. Went out, there he is. There he is. And he's like, well, I noticed I kind of have to remain most of them. Are you guys talking about Linda? Stephen looks over to you. Why would we do that? Should I roll? Yeah, go ahead and roll. An insight check. Give me an insight. 20. It's absolutely about Linda. Dave, one of our adventurers who has been by before a couple times. Yeah, go on. Found that Linda was not in her home at an hour that was maybe agreed upon. Okay. And she's not here. Where is she? You haven't seen her. Is she missing? Oh, no, my Linda. That's what I've been wondering. You sound so upset. I am upset. That's his upset voice. She's my life. My love, my everything. I'm good for you. Everybody is naughty. I'm fortunate, of course. She's really fine. Thanks, guys. You always know what to say. Maybe she is fine. Don't think about it too much. Just get yourself home and rested like you should. You know, sleep well. I read one of my mystery novels. Yeah, they told me that. Yeah. I mean, you haven't noticed she's been gone this whole time. Well, I've been so busy. A lot of things to count. Oh, sure. Are you happy? Fabric bones look like patrols. Oh, no. That's good news. The constable stops for a second and looks around. He looks around. His arms go out. Is there a stank nearby? No. Could you roll the section, please? That's a bad one. The constable whips his body around and goes, Stank, constable? You de-boned those adventurers? Which ones? God damn it. Stank, we've talked about this. They don't need the bones. They're dead. Stank, you know that incriminates you. How did they die? Who makes the laws? Because why do they need their bones? I need their bones. Why do you need their bones? Oh, he loves bones so much. Thank you, Dave. I bet they were pretty fond of them. Are you... Well, then I should have taken better care of them. Is it ostrich bones from the white stout? Is it human bones up? Or is it all one type of bone? I'm not going to dignify that with a second glance. Are some of them hollow? You know, it's Dave's birthday. I don't want to make more of a scene than saying that his cheating wife is missing. But I'm going to go ahead. We have a deal. Okay, now, I know... And I get to watch. I didn't even have to ask. Get to? I mean, that's how she puts it, but yeah. Oh, my God. I have to. Oh, my God. I look wrongly away. I look like I'm about to start crying. You don't want her. You don't want her. Listen, birthdays are very important in this town. I'm 45 years young. 45 years young. As you all know, in this town, our beloved town, which is called... Birthday Town. Close. Technically, according to the typo I made when I wrote this document, Brithday. Brith. Brithday. Oh, yeah. Brithday. Brithday. We all know it's where typos were embedded. Elder blood types are also allowed, the typo we think about often. Yep, I'm not going to make more of a scene than this. Maybe Linda's just out on a walk. And in 24 hours, she'll be back. I hope so. We'll go ahead and check in then. Sounds good. And, uh... Thanks for helping. I think we can all agree, Sheriff, that it's first comfort, sir, when bones are concerned. Thank you, sir. Have a good day. If you wanted bones, get them first. That's all I'm going to say. He pops out. I never wanted no man's bones. Okay, be it. He, uh... He holds... He gets low and does this with one of his legs. And then, uh... Then he walks off. I guess that means a bonus one day, Dave. All California. Um, and you guys... You guys wrap up your evening. Dave goes home with his presents. Back to the couch. Not upstairs to his house to check for his wife. He's not allowed up there, and he hasn't been up there. I do it, like... I go, Linda! A couple times. And then I just... You don't hear any response, but that's normal. Yeah. If she's up there, she'll just, like, hit the floor and let me know. Quiet down, that kind of deal. Um... Yeah, you guys... You guys all go about the rest of your business. All caked up. And, uh... Call it a night. And... Uh... Before you guys left that night, and Dave was just out of earshot, the constable asks you to maybe check on Dave in the morning, since you guys clearly are his friends. Otherwise, why the heck would you be here? It's the same shape, it just has one number. I have a one-ounce block made from an unknown material. That's great! That's great! An old key! A gold-molecule frame of the lens. A rank insignia from a lost legionnaire. Oh, my God! What is it? I got a one-pound egg with a bright red shell. Oh! He's got eggs! I thought this number one had to come out with my hand. I was like, we're all going to land on her. Is it a one-pound egg? A one-pound egg with a bright red shell. Is this a big egg? Yeah. Is it an egg so special that you don't want to eat it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you... These are things that you guys brought from, uh... Incredible. Yeah. It was fake, truly. These are things that have been with you for a long while. A gold-molecule without the lens. You have a... A rank insignia from a lost legionnaire. What if you want a derival? I'd be okay with that. What if? What if? 20. A glass jar containing a weird bit of flesh That's all. That makes way more sense. That makes way more sense. That's more on-brand. Containing... The mystery pickle. Containing... A glass jar containing a weird bit of flesh. A weird bit of flesh.