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Computers are everywhere, and possibly a lot of places they shouldn't be. Laugh with me as I tell you about my house.
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Computers are everywhere, and possibly a lot of places they shouldn't be. Laugh with me as I tell you about my house.
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The speaker, Mr. O, discusses his frustration with computers being integrated into everyday objects, such as toasters and reclining chairs. He dislikes that his toaster sends an alert to his phone when toast is done, and finds it unnecessary to have an app to control toasting settings. He also mentions the annoyance of computerized ordering systems at restaurants, as it eliminates the possibility of cheats or mistakes in splitting the bill. Mr. O shares a humorous anecdote about a friend named Lester who seems to cause electronic malfunctions wherever he goes. He concludes by encouraging listeners to laugh and reminding them of where to find his podcast. Hi, and welcome to Mr. O's Sideway View, a blog and podcast dedicated to all those folks who aren't me. And I've noticed a surprisingly large number of people who aren't. Hmm. Anyway, I'm Mr. O, and it's time to take another sideways view at our crazy world. You know what I like about computers? Nothing! And the real problem is they're everywhere. You can't go to your own kitchen without being followed by a computer. I just got a new toaster, and there's a freakin' computer in it. I don't know why. It's not like the computer can go to the cupboard, get the bread, load it, and bring it to me on a plate. Actually, I wouldn't want it to. I just bet it couldn't keep the crumbs out of the jam. No! All the computer does is send an alert to my phone when a toast is done. Whatever happened to standing in the kitchen for three minutes? Do they really think I'm so busy I can't stop back and check the toaster? Admittedly, I'm nuts. But I'm not that stupid. I'm old enough to understand that if you put bread in the toaster, in a few short minutes, you'll have toast. Heck, by the time I've spilled boiling hot coffee on the counter, burned my hand cleaning it up, and cursed the world for my mistake, the toast is done. I never even made it out of the kitchen. Of course, to use this modern feature, you must have the toaster app installed on your phone. Do they think I'm glued to my phone? Sure, I did glue my fingers together when super gluing that cup once. But I never let that glue near my phone. Chances are that phone's still on the nightstand, where I'll forget about it until I'm late and am screaming about not being able to find it. Mornings are hell around my house before caffeine. Then again, some idiot took a whole lot of time creating that app. Not only will it annoy you when the toast is done, it also lets you set the amount of toasting, with separate settings for bread, bagels, toaster pastries, and one more in case you can't burn your food to charcoal on any of the other ones. Which I'm sure you can. Whatever happened to turning the little dial with numbers? That was easy. If it was overdone at 6, I turned it to 4 and all was well. Now I have to look at various shades of brown. Which mean nothing! And I have to decide. Also, instead of 10 numbers, I now have 150. Way too many for a guy who's half asleep without his morning stimulants. The real sad part is the blasted thing doesn't have a manual mode. I can't turn off all the crap and just toast some bread. The online manual says I can. But that requires downloading the app, disabling 9 features separately, and sacrificing a goat. I followed the directions 4 times and I still can't do it. I even watched a video on my laptop. But that was no help. The camera was way too far away from the pentacle drawn on the floor. Besides, the smoke from the candles and incense fogged up the picture. Naturally, the marketing geeks don't mention any of those things on the outside of the box. The only thing there is an announcement that YOU CAN HAVE WARM TOAST RIGHT WHEN YOU GET UP. That's in big bright letters all over the packaging. There are two issues with this. First, if you take bread out of the bag at 10pm, by morning it's already dry as a desert. Second, you can never predict which minute you'll get to the toaster. The coffee may be in the automatic pot, but the toast is ice cold and dry as a bone by the time you get there. Then again, if I choose to get my toast at a restaurant, the computers are still there. The server comes right to your table with one to take your order. No more writing things down on a pad. What could be wrong with that, you ask? I'll tell you. Yes, things are more accurate with the devices. However, when it comes to splitting the bill between you and your three friends, accuracy is the enemy. No more getting extra sour cream and having the server forget to put it on the bill. No more showing up at shift change and getting a price break because the waitress wants to go home after you've been sitting there for over an hour. And especially, no more can you slink by, ordering a little extra and having the check split four ways. They know exactly what you ordered and you have to pay correctly. Don't they understand? It's these little cheats that made America the great country it is. Then again, it's also what made inflation what it is. But we're not talking about that. And it's not just food where strange computers show up. My brother recently bought a reclining chair with no reclining controls. You have to get the app and the controls are electronic. Now, I've sat in that chair. It's very comfortable. But there's a problem. What if the electronics break? What if I'm stuck in the reclined position and can't put my feet down because of those faulty electronics and my toes burns? I guess I could go to the DoorDash app, request some food, and have the driver help me out of the chair. I guarantee they'd get five stars and a review like, Great driver. The food was nice and hot. Also, he saved my life by getting my butt out of the evil chair trying to eat me. Then again, if the chair has that sophisticated electronic brain, maybe it could call DoorDash and order a person to eat. Either way, I won't be sitting in it again. I also gave my brother a big stick in case he has to beat it back someday. Of course, there's always Lester Greenbaum. Yes, it's a funny name, but he's a funny guy. Lester is the anti-computer. When Lester's around, computers just go on the fritz. He's the kind of guy who always gets his money's worth by buying extended warranties. He's had 27 phones over the years, but paid for only one. Want to test the quality of any electronic device? Call Lester. It will malfunction while he's walking up the steps to your porch. He's that good, or bad. Whatever. I'm not real great friends with Lester, but I love taking him to lunch. Three times out of ten, the ordering system will go on the fritz while he's there. All of a sudden, the wait staff can't make their touch screens work. Actually, I have no idea if I've paid less or even more because of the unexplained outages he's caused. But it's always entertaining watching the staff trying to fix them. I admit, while Lester's bad luck is a source of laughter, it scares me sometimes. I occasionally have to travel with him. When I do, I never take an airplane. It might be a crazy superstition, but it's a safe one. No one knows why things go kafrash when Lester's around. Then again, I don't know why toasters and recliners need computers. So it all works out. Thanks for listening, and I hope you laughed a lot. Stop by anytime, open 24-7, for your smiling convenience. If you liked it, push like, or share it with a friend. If you missed an episode, you can hear Mr. O on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, and Spotify. Remember to subscribe so you won't miss it again. If you'd like, you can send me an email at If you'd like, you can send me an email at And remember what I always say, Laugh now! You can be crabby anytime!
