Jazzey 27

Jazzy grew up in Hilton, near Freo, in a big house with her own room. Her room was initially themed as a purple fairy room and later transformed into a Princess Jasmine room. She loved playing with dolls and babies and enjoyed riding her bike and playing with her pets. Jazzy played T-Ball and netball and still plays netball to this day. She experienced changes in her body, such as her hair getting darker and growing boobs, which she was thrilled about. She was aware of sex and periods but was embarrassed to talk about it with her family. Jazzy also had a passion for modeling and wanted to pursue it. People started talking about sex in her early high school years. All right, here we are, Jazzy, you and me in the podcast suite. Exciting. Yeah, so exciting. So, set the scene for me of Jazzy as a little girl. Where were you living? So, I was living in Hilton, so not far from Freo. In a house. In a house, yeah, in a house. With your own room? Yeah, I had my own room. I was very lucky. I was, at that time, an only child and we had a big house, I had my own study or playroom and my own room, which was heavily themed at the time. Yeah, what was the theme, come on. It originally started off as a purple fairy room, lots of sparkles, lots of fairies and lots of purple, purple walls, purple sheets, purple everything. And as I got a little bit older, I ended up having a sort of Princess Jasmine themed, sort of Moroccan inspired gold, pink and purple again. Who is Princess Jasmine? From Aladdin. Oh my God, so sorry. So sorry. And obviously, Jazzy Jasmine had to have the Princess Jasmine room. So, from that, would you say were you a girly girl? Oh, definitely, yeah. I was such a girly girl. Just textbook girly girl. So what were you playing? What did you love to play? I just had a lot of babies, so I used to take my babies everywhere along with a double stroller, you know, the baby bag, nappies, food, bottles, everything. And I would sit down at a cafe and lift up my shirt and breastfeed my babies. How many? I had a few, but my main one was my baby born, which I call a truckie born because I had drawn on it and it had a few tattoos, but it looked like a truckie. But yeah, I had a lot of babies, always loved babies. Oh, I love it. So what did you love to do with your body, would you say Jazzy, when you were a little girl? Like, what did you, how did you move your body? I used to ride my bike a bit. I had some different pets as well, so I used to play with them and have them on the bike in the basket and yeah, I played a lot. I was an only child, but I was, I used to be very happy playing by myself. Yeah. Did you? You played a lot by yourself? Yeah. And go into those kind of imaginary worlds and create those spaces for yourself, would you say? Yeah. I was always really creative. I've always been that way. Lots of imagination, lots of playing with, yeah, dolls, babies, yeah, lots of Barbies, all that sort of stuff. All that stuff. Did you, like, did you have a trampoline or did you, besides like riding your bike, did you go, what about the ocean? Did you go to the ocean much? Were you much of a swimmer? Not, I, not really, to be honest. We would go to the beach a bit, but I didn't do heaps and heaps of swimming, I wouldn't say. More sun tanning. It's very inappropriate to say, but it's true. Anything's appropriate to say here, I promise you. So did you, once you're getting a little bit older, first of all, I want to know, did you do away with the, as you were, you know, getting a little bit older, did you do away with the princess stuff and all that kind of thing or did you hang on to that? I definitely let go of princesses, I'd say, but I, I evolved with other things and I held on to a few sort of obsessions, maybe a little longer than others, like High School Musical, for example, I was definitely still hanging on to that well into high school. It's sort of the end of primary school, going into high school, were you doing, playing sport at school or anything like that? Yes, I played T-Bowl, that was, I think, pretty sure that was my first team sport from memory. And then, you know, everyone did swimming lessons, of course, and then we did, I did netball as well, which I really loved and I still play netball to this day. Oh, that's so awesome. Yeah. We'll get to that later. I love that. What did you love about netball? I loved that it was girly, I loved that all the girls played it. I loved... That's pleated skirt, did that have anything to do with it? I did like the skirt, but I actually had quite an ugly uniform, it was green and black, which I wasn't stoked about, but that was my local colours. But no, I just, I think I loved the team element of it. When I played T-Bowl, it was boys and girls and, I don't know, the boys always are more competitive and steal all the spotlight and, you know, they do the big hits and you can't hit as far and T-Bowl wasn't as fun to me, netball was a lot more fun and I liked it. Did you feel like you had some mastery over netball, would you say? Would you consider yourself a good player? Gee, I'd hope so after about 18 years of playing. No, I would consider myself a good player, I'm definitely not the fittest on the court, but I think I've played enough games to know my way around the midcourt, that's for sure. Amazing. When you were a girl, still a girl, would you say you were aware of your body? Did you ever think about your body and that sort of thing? Yeah, I think I was always very skinny as a kid and then I shot up and grew quite tall before other people at my age and, you know... How old were you? I'm going to say like year six and I was quite slim then because, you know, my body hadn't caught up yet with my height and I remember not long after that my body changed dramatically. Yeah, so was this around the time you got your first menstrual cycle? Yeah, around that, within those few years after. And in that time, did anyone talk to you about sex and periods and stuff like that before it happened? Yeah, yeah, quite a bit and I didn't really want to talk about it, to be honest. I've always been someone who's very easily embarrassed and I had people in my life and family who were very open and were, you know, keen to educate me and talk to me about it and, to be honest, I didn't really want to hear too much, I didn't want to have too much of a conversation. I had a close friend at school, one of my best friends, and she had older siblings and she just knew everything, so if I was unsure or I wanted to know something I'd ask her, but I was too embarrassed to have the conversations with family, I didn't, I shut it down when they brought it up. Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it, that, and it's so good to have a peer, isn't it, that you can feel comfortable with and ask those questions. Okay, so you're getting to a point where all of a sudden you're feeling like, and you're noticing your body is changing. What's changing? What happened? I remember one thing in particular which I think most people probably wouldn't think of, but this affected me quite a lot, was my hair started getting really dark, and I'd always sort of identified as this sort of very feminine, blonde, sort of beach girl, blue eyes, that sort of, in my head, that's what an Aussie beach girl sort of looked like, and my hair started getting darker and darker, and I had brown hair, I was a brunette, and I would get self offended if people said I had brown hair, isn't that bizarre? Yeah. Had you been dying your hair before that, or was it? I used to pinch some, this sort of like sun bleach spray out of like the bathroom cabinet at home, that was definitely not mine, to try and lighten my hair, do things like that, but otherwise no, I wasn't dying my hair at that age. I hit, just before my hair went curly at like 15, it was about 15, I got just peroxide and dyed all my hair, it went orange, so it went orange, completely orange, and then a little while later, I think after, then I cut it really short, like boy short, and then it grew back curly, straight, yeah, so it's amazing isn't it, the changes that happen around that time. Okay, so your hair colour changed, anything else? Yeah, my hair colour changed, I started growing boobs, which to be honest I was thrilled about. Oh boy, you! Yeah, I was thrilled. God, I hated getting boobs. I was stuffing my bra before that, yeah, I was dying to have boobs, I was like such a girly girl, I was just, in my head, you know, having big boobs was very girly and womanly, and I was, yeah, very keen to get to that. Did you have the bra in your footie, which you're shooting yourself? Yeah, when I was in like, not in high school, God, that's terrible, I think it was like, I'm going to say year six or seven maybe, or year six maybe, yeah, I can't remember, but I do vividly remember having a Supre top on, and then under the top, there was definitely some tissue in there. That is so cute, I love it. Is that so interesting that you loved getting the boobs, I suppose lots of girls do, I got teased by a few of my siblings, and so I just, the t-shirt came on, and that was, you know, over the boobies, and I didn't want to know about the boobs, plus it felt like it slowed me down, you know, anyway, it's all good. Okay, so you got the boobs, your hair went brown, anything else, is that all that was changing? I suppose you said you got taller as well, didn't you? I got taller, which I loved, I wanted to be taller, yeah, in my head, I wanted to be a model, I did some modelling as a kid, and I really wanted to pursue that. Tell me about that, how did you get into that? I don't really know how I got into it, I think my family signed me up for some modelling classes or something like that. I was really obsessed with Jennifer Hawkins, when she won Miss Universe Australia, and then won the whole Miss Universe competition, which was 2004, so I was eight years old, I think I'm getting that right, 2004, anyway, around that time, and I was completely obsessed with Jennifer Hawkins, wanted to be a model, yeah, which is, you know, Miss Universe is quite a girly thing, I just loved all that stuff, so yeah, being tall was not a problem, I was happy to grow taller and taller. So you're getting into sort of early, into high school years now, what's happening with, is anyone talking about sex, or is it still that friend you talked about, or is it all the kids at school, and I mean, when are we talking, like, early 2010-ish, how long ago, you're 27 now, yeah, 2009 was year eight of high school, yeah, people definitely talked about it, I wouldn't say year eight, I would say probably more like, I would say more year nine, ten. Were you thinking about love as well, was that part of that dream, or sex, or anything like that? I would say, probably not sex, but love, definitely, I was always very boy obsessed, from a very young age, I definitely would have had crushes on boys long before other girls did, like in kindy pre-primary, that sort of, I was always loving boys, yeah, primary school, always had a boyfriend, we'd talk on MSN after school, year six and seven, yeah, I loved boys, loved them. Any passion going on at primary school then? No, not at primary school, I think my first kiss was until year nine, from memory, yeah. How was it? I just remember being so scared, I was shaking, the boy was a bit older at high school as well, so it was just that extra pressure, cool guy, older, and yeah, I just remember being so scared, just wanted to be good and didn't want to be bad, or be embarrassed, or all those scary feelings. But you were keen to do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that like a relationship then? Did it continue? No, no, thank God, because he went to prison. Which would have made it quite difficult, although you could have gone and visited him. Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. During that time, like as a teenager, you had your own ideal there, but what messages do you reckon you were receiving about your body from, you know, around school, around media? You were saying, so, and what were you looking at? You said MSN at that point, or Facebook would have started. Myspace, we used Myspace a lot in primary school, where you have, but Myspace was a bit of a rough platform, because you've got your five top best friends, you pick your best friends and that is on your front profile, so it's very toxic, let's be honest. Wow. So, and I remember my username, I don't know why I'm actually admitting to this, because it's probably not traceable now, so I probably don't even have to, but it was Jazzy Hottie 101. True story. True story. Obviously, I was a very confident kid at that point. But yeah, I think the messages were definitely, if you're good looking, you will do well in life. And I was told that by people in my family, I was told that by what I was seeing around me. And unfortunately, I do think there is probably still some truth to it in this day and age, but that was definitely the message I was receiving in primary school and in high school as well. Yeah, and do you think that was, was that permeating through to you and your ideal of yourself, do you reckon? Definitely. At that time? Yeah, definitely. When I was younger, and yeah, all through primary school, I was very confident and I felt really good about myself. Like, I felt like I was stereotypically good looking. Right. Yeah. And physically, like just in my face, or even in my body. And then in high school, that changed. In my head, for me, it did. And yeah, that changed my view on myself. Yeah. What was your view of yourself then, do you think? I wasn't proud of myself, and I always wanted to change things. Right. Yeah. About your body, are you talking about? Yeah, about how I looked, about my body. My body was definitely the main focus, but even just how I looked, like, you know, I wanted to dye my hair or, you know, fake tan as much as possible and be as dark skinned as possible. Did you still have the ideas of the girly girl and the sort of, were those ideals still the same of the woman you kind of wanted to be, do you think? Definitely. Yeah. But I would say that I probably started presenting slightly different. Oh, yeah? How? As I lost confidence, I just dressed a little bit differently. I started to dress a bit tomboy, which wasn't me, but it was just sort of my way of covering up a bit. Not in a way that I was revealing before, but just, yeah, I don't know. I suppose covering up, a bit of a facade, really. Did that help, do you think? I mean, potentially, but yeah, I didn't feel comfortable in myself at all. That's for sure. So now you're at high school and were you moving your body in any way at that particular time? I was, but it was definitely, it felt like a punishment. Oh, did it? I was like, well, what were you doing? Like, for example, I'd run to school. I also had a gym membership next to school, so I'd run, do a workout, then go to school, but just trying to lose weight all the time. I was fluctuating heavily. Sometimes I'd come back from summer holidays 15 kilos lighter, and then I'd gain the weight again. I was fluctuating huge numbers. And yeah, exercise, I dreaded exercise. It was a way for me to, yeah, I felt like I had to do it, and it wasn't enjoyable for me. And yeah, so I didn't really like moving my body at that time, really. Let's see if we can just jump back a bit to, was anything happening as far as the MySpace stuff and the social media stuff with messaging at that time? Do you remember in high school or not so much? Was it more after high school, do you reckon? In high school, we definitely were more active on Facebook. MySpace had sort of taken a back seat. How was that landscape? Yeah, it was fine. I mean, there was definitely sort of, you know, everyone wanted to be popular on social media, you know, have the most likes, have the most friends, have the most whatever it would be. And you used to do this thing that you put up a status saying, like, like this, and I'll rate you out of 10 or whatever, and then you post on that person's page. There was a lot of that sort of stuff. And the rating I'm taking it is from how you look. Well, yeah, usually it would be out of 10, and then they would elaborate a little bit. It'd be like, seven out of 10, seem nice, but don't really know you. Haha, lol, X. But yeah, I think it was definitely hard to look, especially if it was the opposite sex doing it on you. Wow. Yeah. Crikey. Yeah. That's just so intense. That is so intense. It makes me think about, I was talking to my husband the other day about, I don't know if you did back in the, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, we used to do this thing in class where you'd have a piece of paper and everyone in the class had to write something nice about you and then fold it down. Oh, warm and fuzzy. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Is that what it was called? We did it at work recently, actually. I found one in my stuff recently and unraveled it. And it was hilarious. Like you said, like, Sarah, I like your hair. Or, you're funny, Sarah. But just all these cute things, all these things that you had to stop and think about all the people in your class as the piece of paper got handed around and write something on there. But it was really sweet. You know, it was about the person. Of course, you got the hair comments, but there was other stuff too. You worked really hard, didn't you? As like a teenager, you went out and you were, as in working, supporting yourself at one point, weren't you? Yeah, I did. I had a job as soon as I could get one in high school, and I moved out of home during school as well and was living. I was just renting a room off someone off Gumtree. Like, obviously, I wasn't able to get a lease at that point and underage. But yeah, so I used to work after school at a restaurant in Fremantle. Yeah. I worked in that business for seven years. So yeah, worked a lot of shifts there. But yeah, I always, yeah, always worked quite a lot. Yeah. And how did you, I mean, you were so young, I guess, did you just handle that amount of like long shifts and working hard and that kind of thing, would you say, on your tiredness and your body? Yeah, I think, to be honest, I think I was taught like a work ethic from a really young age. So it was something that was just sort of part of me, really, and part of my just attitude and what I thought is just what you do. Yeah. But yeah, I, you know, it was quite obvious to me that I was living quite differently to a lot of my peers. That's for sure. Yeah. And how did that feel in your body, do you think? I think I felt misunderstood by, especially even my teachers, even my friends a little bit, you know, of course, they mean well, but it's very hard to understand when you're living very different lives. When everything's being done for you and that you're living independently and really, yeah, working your guts out in every area of your life. Yeah. Yeah. And then having to handle it all. We're finishing up school and you're heading into your early 20s. Are you out dating or what, how are you feeling in your body then? What's going on then? We'll get to MKR in a sec. So after school, I put on a little bit more weight as well. Basically, since we finished up, I was really not feeling good at all. My self-esteem was at an all time low. And my mental health was really bad. I'd sort of thrown care to the wind in terms of, in my head, I had no future, no prospects. You know, I didn't look good. I didn't feel good. I didn't like who I was and was getting into a lot of trouble. Yeah, I had a lot of anxiety and trouble as in with the police. Yeah, I got arrested a couple of times when I was 17. Did you? Yeah, I did. And I'm not proud of it, but I'm glad it happened before I was an adult, put it that way. Yeah. So yeah, in my body, I was just feeling a little bit hopeless, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And probably exhausted too. Yeah. A bit exhausted. I think I was really exhausted physically and mentally. Around that time, I sort of had a bit of a wake up call around my 18th birthday. Tell me. So I obviously had just recently been in a bit of trouble. I'd been going to court and yeah, some different things. Do you want to elaborate or not? It was a few driving offenses. Okay. Yeah. And yeah, basically just had a big wake up call, you know, turning 18, I can't possibly get in trouble because, you know, then I'm going to have a real criminal record. Yeah. And I started sort of basically taking my life into my own hands and thinking, what are we going to do here? Try and, yeah, do something with myself. I picked up a second job. I had a full time job at night and I had a full time job during the day. Whoa. Yeah. So is this at 18? Yes, at 18, yeah. Crikey. Yeah. So I worked really hard, but I wasn't actually getting burnt out. My body was handling it well. Yeah. And I had purpose. So, you know, my... What were you thinking at that point? I just wanted to save as much money as I could... Wow. ...to set myself up and give myself a future, really. And was that an actual moment? Like, do you remember that moment? Was it like when you're in the courtroom after all? Like... It was definitely... Pretty young to have a reckoning like that. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's amazing. Look, I was definitely having some thoughts in that courtroom, but I think, especially because, you know, anyone that knows me, I am not a... I'm not sort of a stereotypical criminal. I was so scared. You've never seen a kid more scared in a courtroom in your life. Like, I could not have been... I don't... Yeah, I think they couldn't believe me there. You would have had the outfit perfect though, Jazzy. Yeah, yeah. I went in super glam. So, yeah, it was very out of character, put it that way. But I remember on my 18th birthday, I was having some drinks with some friends and I just sort of had this thought that I'm not going to drink anymore. Amazing. After this. Amazing. I didn't know how long, but I just knew that I didn't want to do that and I wanted to be really serious about life. We didn't even touch on that, but was alcohol a part of this story before then, would you say? Yeah. And tell me, what were you doing with it? Well, because I had so much freedom so young... Yep. ..and it was a big change in terms of, you know, I'd gone to not much freedom, to a lot of freedom all at once. I definitely just did whatever I wanted and that meant not going to school or drinking whenever or, yeah, just doing essentially anything I wanted whenever I wanted and probably took it a little bit too far. And, yeah, just did things that I thought were cool and just drinking at any chance and, yeah, I quickly realised it wasn't going to get me far. Do you remember at that time with all that freedom when you were drinking, was there a...how it felt or was there a purpose? Like, do you remember being drunk and going, this is great, I like this feeling or was it more just experimental, do you think? Like, do you remember what it was like in your body at all? If anything, it was... I was never a very open person, like I said before. I was always very embarrassed and I wasn't someone who ever talked about my feelings or anything like that. I was always sort of Mrs Cool in terms of, like, on the outside. So I just used to remember every time I drank I'd be incredibly embarrassed because I used to really open up and I'd start talking to my friends about how I was feeling and things like that and then I'd be incredibly embarrassed the next day and have anxiety and just, you know, those awful days where it's just like you're thinking through everything you've done and said and just regrets, regrets. Yeah, alcohol's a big one for those, isn't it? Yeah. God, that's so interesting. That's amazing. Okay, so you've come to this point where you, like, said to yourself, I want to turn things around and you've got your two jobs. Have you got a boyfriend then or dating? Is that part of the plan or are you interested in sex? Like, is any of that happening? Yeah, here and there, but it was definitely not my main focus. Yeah. You know, I still was always very active on the apps, you know, your Tinders and whatnot. I did go on quite a lot of dates, but, you know, it was never anything super serious. There was times where I definitely wanted it to be, but at that point I was in such a bad space that my type was anyone who wasn't interested in me, so I was sort of just always chasing the wrong people and it just didn't really happen for a long time. So you organised for my daughter Stella and you to try out for a national television show called My Kitchen Rules. Yeah. How old were you girls again? We were 20. 20. Yeah. Holy hell. Tell me about that experience physically, because I know obviously from Stella that you guys were work to the bone. Just before, you know, we get into the being reality program celebrity, what was it like working on that show from a physical point of view? As much as we really loved it and had a great experience, it was very taxing on the body. Yeah. The schedule was just back to back to back for six months straight and, you know, some filming days would be 13 hours, some would be, I remember our instant restaurant, which anyone who hasn't seen MKR is where you're cooking at your house and everyone flies to your state. We filmed for 25 hours. Are you serious? Yeah. And I just remember, because we filmed it at your house, I remember just going to the toilet in your bathroom and pissing brown and I've just never been so dehydrated. Everyone has to dehydrate away every so often, but this was something else. This was something else. Wow. Wow. Wow. And also, wasn't it where you would have to sit in those restaurants, potentially, outside pretending it was summer when it was winter? Yeah, I remember we were in Melbourne and it was like negative one degrees, three in the morning, we're still sitting there pretending we're about to eat the entrees and just sitting for such long amounts of time. It was very, very hard to be healthy. You know, it was hard to get enough sleep, let alone move your body. Yeah. And fit some exercise into the day. And then plus we were cooking like crazy and practicing dishes over and over. We were eating the same, you know, very rich foods that we were cooking for the show. Of course. And a lot of crap, to be honest. Wow. Yeah. So how did you find that thing of seeing yourself on telly and all of a sudden people, obviously millions of Australians seeing you too, were you okay and how are you feeling in yourself and in your body and seeing yourself like that? Well, about six months before we went to the show, I had just lost a lot of weight. I had been vegan for a while for weight loss purposes. For whatever reason, had done a lot of binge eating and went through a rough time and over a couple of months put on about close to 20 kilos. During the show or before the show? Before. So we found out that we had made it onto the show. The application process was very long. We found out and it was sort of like right when I had just put on a lot of weight. And as much as I was thrilled to be on the show, I had a lot of anxiety about, number one, I was feeling a lot of emotions. But when you put on such a dramatic amount of weight, you've gone from having great confidence to in what feels like overnight having awful confidence again. Not liking yourself, not liking how you look. And then knowing that that was what everyone else was going to see and that's how people would see me, as this size and looking this certain way, caused me a lot of anxiety. Did it? Yeah. How did you feel about the attention on you? I suppose because the show was filmed in 2017 and aired in 2018. So when it's being filmed, no one knows. No one knew what we were doing really other than a few people. I didn't even have an iPhone. I took over a brick phone. I barely kept in touch with anyone in Perth. We really lived in this weird bubble in Sydney for six months. After the first episode, you forget the cameras are there. It didn't really feel like we were on a TV show until the next year and it was airing and me and Stella would be at the bus stop and the bus stop was us. And then there's buses going by with our faces on it and billboards and it was crazy. But at the time when we were actually in the midst of filming it all, it didn't really feel like it was a TV show, if that makes sense. Yes, the timelines were quite weird where your girls were so funny and so amazing. After this experience and you're heading into your 20s, what was happening with you after you got back and you were back in Perth after MKR, weren't you? And then you were back into work. How were you feeling then, Jazzy? Was it time to go back to that plan and be charging on with your life that you had in your mind? Yes, I'd still been – I went back to the job that I had beforehand and, yes, nothing had changed for me in terms of working and really trying to save and working any chance I could really. So I went back to that and I decided that I may as well get some qualifications in cooking and it just sort of made sense to pursue that. To be honest, it wasn't really like my heart's desire, but at the time it made sense. We went on My Kitchen Rules. Well, I dragged Stella into My Kitchen Rules because I wanted a chance at the quarter of a million dollars. That was the reason. And I also was hoping that it would segue onto Dancing with the Stars, which was secretly my lifelong dream. But that didn't work out. Good dang. But it was nothing to do with the food at all. Once we got on there, obviously, we gave it a red hot go and we were going to learn to be the best goddamn home cooks there was so we could win the money. But it's not like I was wanting to pursue a career in chefing. But when I came home, it made sense and so that's what I did. Yes. Always on my feet, really. I was working a lot, a lot of standing in my jobs. It was all hospitality work that I was doing. And besides working, were you doing anything else like exercise-wise or moving? I went through phases with the exercise. I still had a bit of a negative outlook. It was only ever when I was trying to lose weight that I was exercising, so that was sort of tied to a negative feeling. But I went through phases. I dabbled in Pilates and just going to the gym or running, whatever it may be. And then I eventually got into doing cycling, like spin classes, which I really enjoyed. Awesome. You'd been in this kind of hard place before you went on MKR, but you'd made these plans. Were things changing for you as you were getting older, would you say, about how you felt about yourself and your body? Was anything sort of changing around that time or was it still that kind of exercise for punishment, would you say? Yeah, I just sort of went through phases, to be honest. There were phases where I was super unhealthy and I was smoking a lot as well. Smoking a lot of cigarettes. Sort of part of hospitality, isn't it? Yeah, smoking a lot. I was eating a lot of takeaway food in between jobs because I was going from one job to another and then just eating on the go at my jobs because I was in food businesses, so there was lots of food around all the time. So, yeah, at times I'd be unhealthy and then I'd sort of really crack down and be like, okay, I'm going to be really extreme and going to be super clean and super this and, yeah, would then get into exercise and be healthy. And my weight went up and down still in those times, but it was less dramatic just as I got older and further into my 20s. Do you think you were kind of settling into yourself a bit more because you'd been independent for so long? Do you know what I mean? Not settling into yourself, were you finding your feet, would you say? Yeah, I definitely was. By that point I was a bit independent for seven years or so and by that point I didn't have two jobs, just had the one job. And I'd got some money behind me and I had a proper place to live, a proper house. I was doing quite well for myself realistically. And I think that's when I suppose I just relaxed into myself a bit. What does that mean? Describe that for me. I would say that I was in survival mode for years. Wow. And so I think when I finally felt like I wasn't in survival mode, yeah, I just relaxed into myself a little bit. So I started accepting myself a little bit more, letting myself be proud of what I'd done and what I've achieved and what I know I will achieve. And yeah, I suppose just allowing myself to be happy and just live life a little bit more. When you say survival mode, how would you describe that feeling in your body? I feel like it's constantly have a tight chest, tight jaw, shoulders, back. Yeah, you're just stressed and you're always focusing on the next thing, the next thing, the next thing and then getting through. And yeah, just not being able to sort of just take a breath. I think that's why I smoked for so long to be honest because that was sort of my few deep breaths of the day. Wow, that's amazing. That's an amazing insight, isn't it? I, yeah, that's a very, very interesting insight. I had a counsellor once who said that, you know, she had a partner and she understood about him smoking because she felt like he needed it. That's how she came to understand him smoking or accepted I should say, she felt like he needed it. Yeah. I'm so interested in that point that you said that you just started to relax. Like what happened there? I don't know. I think I probably got to a point where I just looked around and thought, you know, I have a home. I've got a good job. I've got good savings behind me, you know, for a rainy day. That's the thing, when you don't have a safety net or when you feel like you don't have a safety net and that no one's going to look out for you if something happens, it's that extra pressure. So I feel like I just, yeah, I don't know when I kind of, there was no significant day, but I just, at some point, I just realised that like I'm okay now and I can, yeah. It's an incredibly sad indictment, isn't it, in that, I mean, you managed to find that within yourself to get to that point where you had made this safety net, but for so many people they can't for a multitude of reasons. And so that survival mode that you're talking about is how they have to live their entire lives. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's quite a big realisation. What do you love about your body now? What do I love? I love my hair. Gorgeous. I love my eyes. I love that I'm not a petite woman by any stretch of the word, but I'm very strong. Like I used to joke with some of my co-workers that I could take on any of the girls in the office because I definitely could with little to no training. Because I am, I just am, I'm big and powerful. Amazing. Yeah. I love that. How do you now feel most in your body at 27? I would say when I have free time and just when I can really, on the weekend basically, when I can go to the beach, have a sleep in, slow Sundays, that sort of when I can just really be present and just relax. Yeah. When I feel relaxed is probably when I feel most in my body. Wow. That's amazing. Have you got any embarrassing body stories for me? I don't think my version of embarrassing is anyone else's version of embarrassing. I'm too scared to even go to the doctor over a mole on my arm, you know what I mean? I don't think I really have anything that's worth mentioning, to be honest. I was going to share the story that when I was in grade five, I was living in Port Hedland and I loved my sport teacher, Mr. Boyle. Like I loved him so much, you know, as much as you can love someone like that in a ten. Anyway, and I played softball and I was at the plate batting up and he was standing around telling us what to do. And I hit the ball and I was running for first base and as I did it, I farted. And as I'm running for first base, I'm just saying, he's never going to love me. Oh, no. I would have had to leave the school if that was me. Yeah. That's how I felt. That's exactly how I felt. So you're 27 now. Tell me your hopes for sort of Jazzy in her 30s and beyond about how you feel in your body and, yeah, tell me how she's going to be. I hope as the years go on, I'll just become more and more comfortable and confident with myself, to be honest. I feel like I've come leaps and bounds with this. I could still definitely be more content. Yeah, I hope that I'm fortunate enough to have babies. Yeah, do you? Yeah. I hope and I really think that I will actually love my pregnant body. I just have this feeling that I will feel good about it. Yeah, I don't know. I love seeing pregnant women. So I think that, yeah, I think I would love it. I hope I would love it. But I hope it would sort of be almost healing for me and my relationship with my body. Amazing. In what way, like? I suppose when you see what your body can do and giving life and so, yeah, I feel like you can sort of just be more comfortable is what it seems like to me. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah. Amazing. And then I suppose like 40s, 50s and beyond, I would just like to get to a place where I don't look back and regret wasting so much time and energy focusing on my body and how it looks. And, yeah, I suppose just remembering to have perspective and gratitude that it's like, you know, I can do all the things. I can run. I can walk. I can skip. I can hop. I can do all sorts of stuff. And sometimes when I am feeling not great about it, I like to sort of have this little conversation with myself that it sounds sort of sad, so I'll just preface that, but it's actually not. I like thinking like this. It's that we are in this huge, huge universe, and I am so irrelevant. I am this tiny, tiny, tiny speck. My weight doesn't matter. Like my looks don't matter. Really, to be honest, my achievements and who I am as a person don't even matter. Like I am just a blip in the universe, and there will be people and planets long after I leave as well, and I'm insignificant. And that brings me comfort, to be honest. Yeah, well, if it brings you comfort, it brings you comfort. And, you know, sometimes when things, the way I read that, how that lands on me is that, you know, some things can seem insurmountable, can't they, sometimes, when you get in your head. And, yeah, it's a big one I'm reminding myself of regularly is that time is precious, really, really precious. And thank you so much for sharing your body story with me. I really, really appreciate it and keep striving because you just seem to make whatever you want to happen, happen. Thanks, I appreciate it. And thanks for giving me the platform. Beautiful.