Episode2Final

The podcast episode discusses the topic of friendships and how people choose their friends. The hosts, Karmie and Nia, share their perspectives on the matter. Nia talks about how her friends came into her life naturally and how she values new experiences and friendships. Karmie discusses how her long-lasting friendships are based on shared values, similar interests, and cultural backgrounds. They both emphasize the importance of recognizing when a friendship no longer aligns with one's values and being willing to let go. They also acknowledge that friendships can change over time and that it's okay to separate from people who don't match one's current path. Hi, welcome to Beauty and Perspective, a podcast that dives deep into various topics, tackling them through the lens of a therapist mom and her insightful team. I'm Karmie Arister, owner of Dresden Horizons, a licensed therapist and a life coach. And I'm here with my lovely teen, Nia. Hey guys, I'm Nia, I'm your co-host and I'm so glad to be here. The first episode was great and we are excited to be here for the second one. What are we talking about today? Let's talk about friendships. So you're leaving tomorrow to go to New York for the summer, well, at the time of this recording. Yeah. Tomorrow. Yeah. Spend a lot of time with your friends here before leaving and then kind of joining with your friends there in New York. Friendships. Like how do you choose your friends? Well, I didn't choose my friends, my friends came to me. How so? What does that mean exactly? I was just living my life, they came to me out of nowhere. I don't even know honestly how I even have the friends that I have right now. Okay. So it sounds like even though you think they came to you, I'm pretty sure a lot of people came to you, but you accepted them if we're going to put it that way. So what makes the difference between the ones you do entertain versus those that you don't entertain? Well, as far as me right now, I'm at the point where I kind of entertain, I kind of entertain all the new things that come my way, like I'm open to new experiences and new friendships. So I'm not really like a guarded person, but as far as my friendships with the people that I am friends with right now, at first I wasn't really a friendship type of gal, so I'm not really sure how they're my friends right now, but they are. But I'm open now to like new friendships and stuff. So I was just wondering what made the difference. Like I watched you have friends for a little bit and then no longer be friends with them, but it seems like the ones that you do have now are more long lasting. So I'm asking what are your reasons, like what for you, because what would make the cut for me in making friendships may be different in what makes the cut for you. For example, for me, most of my friends, all of my friends, which I don't even really call them friends anymore, they're more like family, I've known for over 20 years and that alone makes them friends now. And so it's different in trying to choose new people, but the ones that I have around me now as friends, we have the same values, like we care about the same things. We think similarly, not that much different, our lifestyles look the same. And so when our interests are the same, like the things that we're interested in, it's not too far off, it's like the same, not identical, but somewhat similar. And so if I want to go out, they want to go to the same type of things that I want to go to. Even culturally speaking, we're like mostly from the same culture, so that kind of helps with the similarity and getting along. Yeah, you and your friends. What? Y'all are like, y'all are the cheetah sisters. Well, yeah, I mean, it took a lot of years to get to where we are now, but we're here. And so that's why looking at you, where you're like formulating friendships now, around the time that I formulated these same friendships, I'm like, okay, well, how are you making the choice? Like who makes the cutting, who doesn't make the cutting? What makes the difference? Because these legit could be friends for you when you later in life, I ain't going to say my age, but when you later in life and they still around and your kids don't even know who the friend or family is because everyone's auntie, and it was around your age. So what are your thoughts, like who you have around you right now? How did you choose them or, well, they chose you, but how did you determine if you're going to keep them around? Well, like I said, I, I'm the type of person that's not closed to new experiences and new people. So, you know, I was given the opportunity to spend time with my friends that I'm friends with. And along the way they've shown small stuff for me that won my heart over, like, you know, we were all in the same class. Maybe if they like got my paper for me or, you know, we're sitting, we're talking about the same stuff. I mean, we're girls. We're in high school. We have similar, similar likes, similar dislike. Okay. So it kind of, it all kind of just happened naturally. I didn't go looking for sure. Cause I'm not a looker. You're not a looker. I'm not a looker. You're not a looker. No ma'am. I'm not a looker. But I am so grateful for my friends now. And, you know, who knows, maybe we will, you know, know each other when we're older and stuff like that. But I feel like that has a lot to do with the experiences that we've also went through together and we're growing up together. We're experiencing life together. It's raw right now because we're older and our eyes are a little bit more open to what would be and what is about to be. Yeah. We're experiencing all of these things together. It's a lot of, there's a lot of love. I have a whole bunch of love for my friends. I know. I see that. And like I said, it's nice to see. It really is nice to see. I like your group of friends, New York and Georgia. Yes. And I love it. Yeah, that goes for my New York friends as well. Like my New York friends are considered my family now. Yeah. Yeah. So if you were to reply. If they made the cut. If they made the cut. Here we go. If they made the cut. So back to my original question too. So yes, you're talking about your Georgia friends and I get it. That's who I more so see you interact with regularly. Your New York friends, how did they make the cut? What was that? Because you're not doing life every day with them. I'm not. And it's really, really, it's obviously really hard moving from one place to another. Being able to keep those friendships. I've had friendships in New York. We've known each other since like elementary school. And we're now about to be seniors in high school. And we went through like literally elementary, summer camp, middle school, and high school. Like, I don't know. It's so crazy. Even the people that I don't talk to that are in New York anymore, I still have a whole bunch of love for them. But, you know, I was talking to my sister. I call her my sister because that is my sister. That's not my friend. And I was telling her, I was just like, you know, at some point, you just got to let the past be the past. You can't really like try and bring everybody to the future with you. Especially if it's unnecessarily. Because there's like some friend groups that we've had in New York that we've really just been holding on to that friendship because of, you know, the fact that we've all went to elementary school together. And we promised that we'd always stay close. But, you know, sometimes it's not worth it. So, yeah. No, I hear you. Same here. Leaving from New York to Georgia, there are some ties that you have to cut because for me, speaking for myself, trying to come here and, you know, build a whole new life here in Georgia. There are some ties that have to be cut because they're not healthy or it doesn't match where I'm going. Yeah. So I kind of hear you saying the same thing. You know, you and your sister had to make some decisions as to the circles you were running with. Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't match and who matches. And sometimes it's hard because I feel like a lot of people don't talk about this sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard to keep that distance between someone that you used to be close with because it's like you can make that conscious decision not to talk to that person anymore and to keep your distance. But sometimes, you know, I'm about to go to New York, I want to call some of these people up and I want to be like, I want to hang out and try one more time. But it's like, you know, we don't get to that point where I see them and I'm just going to be reminded why I even wanted to leave in the first place. Yeah. And it's just going to be the same thing over and over again. But hey, it's life. Yeah. And I'm young. And you're young. I get to experience some mistakes and just learn from it. No, that's good. Young or not. I mean, again. Yeah. Low key. Same here. You know, you just mentioned leaving unhealthy relationships or relationships that you recognize don't work for where you're going. It'd be a delusion that'd be like, I miss this person, but you don't miss this person. Yeah. That person's not the same person. Or that person's not good for you. Yeah. Like, also that. I've also learned that, you know, everybody's all on their own life path. So someone might have a different value than you. If they can't receive the love that you're trying to give them, then it's not like their love to receive. It's for somebody else. Everyone is for somebody. So if that person's not for you, then that person's not for you. So are we still talking about friendship? That isn't anything. If that thing is not for you, if that promotion is not for you, then it's not for you. Gotcha. I like that you said value, like if you don't have the same value. And I think... It doesn't mean it's wrong either. Right. Yeah. It doesn't mean that that other person's value is wrong. Yeah. But sometimes paths are just different. And that's okay. And that's fine. It just may not be what I need. Yeah. Or you might think you need it. Yeah. And you don't need it. Very true. You got to realize that. Yeah. And that's a tough realization. Like when you've been rolling with someone for a while, and so you still build a bond, obviously. Yeah. Because we're not robots. But it's a journey, though. But it's a journey. Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. However long you was rolling. Yeah. And then be okay to separate when we're making that value decision. And I think that's why I like the fact that you use the word value. Because if you're making that decision, like I'm not rolling with you anymore, and it's on some judgment stuff. Again, loving the fact that you're saying different doesn't mean it's not better or it's worse. It's just it's different. But if I'm making a value decision, it's more like, you know what? I recognize my values. Not that it's better than yours, but I recognize my value. I recognize my path. I recognize my journey. And ours don't align. And you're just not a part of it. It don't align. Yeah. Yeah. And that should be okay. Yeah. Essentially. Essentially. So what do you think about this proverb? The African proverb, show me your friend, and I will show you your character. Your character. What do you think about that? I think that it's kind of wishy-washy. Because I believe that some people are strong enough to have their own character and be around friends that have their own character. And I also believe that there are also some people that are easily swayed and the characters of their friends build up their characters. So they just end up being a clone of their friends. And in that sense, that's where also show me your friend and I'll show you your future comes in as well. Character. At least give the proverb the proper wording. Well, I'm saying that, but I'm saying that also ties into what people also say. Because it's true. Show me your friend. And I will show you your future. Your future. Your character and your future, depending on the type of person you are, though. Because not everybody's the same. I feel like not every quote fits with every single person. True. Just wanted to hear your thought process about yours. I agree. I agree with you. I do. I don't disagree with anything that you just said. Show me your friend and I will show you your character. Do you think your friends portray your character? Because my friends don't. I think similar to you, I do carve my own path. So that's why I agree with your statement. Like with some people, they could get lost in their friendship group and not find themselves or know themselves enough to carve their own path. And so if you do see their friendship group, they are exactly a mirror reflection of that group as opposed to just being who they are and a standalone of who they are. However... Being able to be in the midst of other people and other energies, yeah. And still be your own, right? But that takes a lot of work and self-awareness and strength and personality to be able to be that person. So for those that may not have developed that strong will to be able to be different, this proverb would definitely stand. Show me your friend and I will show you your character. And so it rings true for certain people. But like you said, for others, it may not ring true. You may just be different, although you still run with this crew. But how do you then... If you're choosing friends that have the same values and stuff, like that's kind of what brings you two together. How do you decipher the difference then? What you mean? Earlier in the conversation, you were talking about like you and your friends, you have similar interests. We're going through the same thing. So things look the same. But then now you're like, I'm different than my friends. So how do you make the difference between the two? Between the two what? Between the two, like me and my friends may have the same similar interests, but I'm a different character. Everybody's their own person. Like I'm not my friends and my friends aren't me. So I kind of feel like that. I don't really look too deep into it. I've grown up real independent. Like I have taken that and I have run with that. With you being a single parent, I have grabbed that and ran with it. So what does that mean? Okay. Me being a single parent has made you independent. How? I've seen you do it by yourself. So I know how to do it by myself. Like I could hold it down. Like it's all I know. Like it's all I know really. I could do it with a man, I guess. I guess I could do it with a man, but I know how to do it by myself. But you're no longer seeing me do it by myself. So that didn't, it didn't reverse that for you or did it influence it for you at all? I know that real love is real. Okay. And that it can happen. And I'm not, not open to it. Like my DMs are open. Mia. Can't. But I'm not a person nobody's first. Got you. Unless, you know, he's worth. Yeah. All right. So values, character, friendship, choosing, all are kind of just one big bubble. But what I'm hearing you want to separate from it all is that you are still your own person. I will always be. Everybody will always be their own person. Even if there's somebody else, you still your own person. You just in denial. And denial is a river in Egypt. All right. I'm going to blast up my jokes, guys. All right. Cool. All right. That sounds good. I guess I'll try to wrap it up. Anything you want to say to wrap it up? The right people are going to come into your life when they're supposed to come into your life. You, in the meantime, have to work on yourself and plant those seeds within yourself so that when those right people come, you're able to pour into them in a way that you guys are both balancing each other. And in that way, you can have healthy relationships and be healthy within yourself. Nice. That's my last nugget. I like that. I don't want to touch your side of it, so I'll speak from a mom's side of it. Watching you grow and choose the way that you choose, whether you say your friends are choosing you, you wouldn't be friends with them if you didn't in turn choose them. I wasn't saying they chose me, but I was saying they came into my life. I don't see it as a choice. I see it as that's how it played out. And you allowing them to be a part of your life. Because they were worth allowing. Yes, Mia. Okay. We got that point. We got it. But watching you flourish in your friendships, like I've obviously been watching, but watching it and you doing it from the stance that you're doing it now has been nice to watch. It's funny because I'll be fighting for my friends. I'll be shitting my mama out about my friends. I'll be like, mama, can I sleep over? Mama, can I stay? Mama, can I stay? I'll always be asking to go out with my friends. Yes. And I have my method in how I create boundaries and rules and what's allowed and what's not allowed. And in due time, not everything all at once. But you're doing a great job in the direction you're going and how you're choosing, how you're interacting, who you're open to and who you're not open to. And I'm happy to see it. Well, I'm not perfect. Nobody is. Nobody is. If we're even talking about my friendships, like that took, listen, there's unhealthy cuts you made in New York. There's unhealthy cuts I made in New York. It's not just you. It's all of it. It's a circle of life. It's a circle of life. But we do the best that we can do. So, guys, thank you for listening to us. Thank you for listening to us today. Yeah, just kind of talking about friendships and how we develop it, how we see it, the value of it, and what it means about us as an individual. And I think that's the biggest lesson in all of this. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're healthy enough so that you're attracting healthy relationships and friendships and those that will go the journey with you that match your path and not just there for a season but make sense in the long run. And so we will see you in the next episode. We will. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.