Dealing-with-jealousy-in-relaationships

The Women Lighthouse Podcast is a community for purpose-driven women who want to live their dreams. They discuss various issues related to womanhood, including how to deal with jealousy in relationships. The host and guest share personal experiences and advice on managing jealousy in a healthy and productive way. Jealousy can be positive as it shows you care, but it becomes negative when it becomes possessiveness. It's important to admit and communicate your feelings of jealousy and find a better approach to handle them. Hello everyone, you are welcome to the Women Lighthouse Podcast. This is a community for purpose-driven women who desire to live their dreams and aspirations. Our mission is to inspire you to live your dreams one day at a time while serving as a beacon of hope and guidance. We will be addressing various issues related to womanhood. Join me as we explore our journey of life together. I am your host, Uyeme Hamilton. You are welcome to today's episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. It's great to have you on the show. Today, we are going to be discussing a topic surrounding how we can deal with jealousy in our relationships as women. Today's topic can be difficult to navigate. Whether you are one who is feeling jealous or you are on the receiving end of your partner's jealousy, it can be a very challenging experience that can have a negative impact on the dynamics of your relationship. In today's episode, I and my guests will explore why jealousy happens and how to identify it and, most importantly, how to handle it in a very healthy and productive way. Our guest today is Mrs. Quinsonia Usofike Chinwenwa. She is a dedicated professional in the field of behavioral and speech therapy. She is a wife of one husband and a mother of three boys. So sit back, relax, and let's dive into this important topic together. So you are welcome once again, Quinsonia, to the Women Lighthouse Podcast. It's great to have you on the show. Okay. So today, we are talking about managing jealousy in relationships as women. So how many years have you been married? Actually, it is my 9th year. Wow, natural. 9 years. We are following you behind. We are letting you walk where you are now, you understand? I'm still learning, my dear. I'm still learning. Okay, that's so good. So that means you have what it takes to tell us about how to manage jealousy in our relationships as women. So there's this common notion that when it comes to relationships, women, we always have issues. It's easier for men to relate with one another than for women to relate with one another. Whenever women come into that dynamics of relationships, especially when it comes to jealousy or envy, most times it's inevitable. So can you tell us a time when you've actually experienced jealousy? Have you ever been jealous before? No. My dear, all of us are jealous beings. Even God himself is jealous. He's a jealous God. He's a jealous God. How much more we that were made in his own image? So we are all jealous. I would say the time I felt it most is there was a time my husband told me, you do see there's one of our family friend there. She gave birth. She had two children. She's on the slim side or slim type. One day I said, can't you see this lady? After having two children, her stomach is flat. See her body and everything. In fact, when she was pregnant, her stomach was small. Before you knew it, she'd already given birth. I was just looking at him. He said it once. I didn't hear what he said. You understand? He also brought it up. I said, Olga, please, leave me. All of us are different. He said, no, no, no. Just try and see what... I said, I'm not digging it. He said, no, but your stomach is still big. You're still fat. If I go to the doctor, he'll tell me you're still fat. I said, Olga, please, have you given birth before? Just try and see how your stomach will be. In fact, it actually got to me. I had to talk to myself. Encourage myself by myself in the Lord. I said, babe, you're doing well. There's no one like you. I told him, babe, you would have told me that. You would have said, babe, she's... Everybody's not the same. We have different bone structure. For her, she's on the same time as you. We can do something to look better. To be a better version of myself. Not a better version of her. I can't be her. I want to be better than the way I used to be. I really felt it, my dear. It got to me. Wow. That's really... It's relatable, actually. It's a relatable experience. That period when... Will you say you were jealous of the lady? Of course, I should. Not that I was jealous. Let me be frank with you. I was jealous. See, what is this? I'm okay. They said, no, no, you're not okay. This is not the way you were when I got married. I said, okay, this is not the way. Right? Fine. Did I come with children into this marriage? No, take me back. When we take the children, he started laughing. You understand? But then, I've already talked to myself. Nobody has the power to talk me down except me. You can't make me angry. Except if I want to be angry. It's my choice. My husband has this bad mouth. If you don't know him, my dear, you'll be crying every minute. If you look at him, you'll say, is it this mouth I told you that's making you cry? I didn't mean it. But the next minute, you'll say I'm not that one. So, that's what happened. So, when you're jealous, how do you get to express it? Do you max it? Or are you open or vocal about it? How do you express your feelings of jealousy? Naturally, I will vocal. One thing I do is that I don't make friends with people that don't talk. I don't make friends with people that are very quiet. Because they might be bottling some issues within themselves. They won't let it out. I make friends with people that, if I wrong you, you understand? Tell me, babe, this thing you did, I don't like it, please. Then I will just quarrel and we'll get it done and over with. When I'm jealous, I'll call him and say, this thing you did, I don't like it. Sometimes, it might not be intentional. And the best thing to do is, I advise every woman, is to learn your partner. Study them, their behavior, how they behave. When they say things, don't mean it. You understand? So, when I say, this thing you did, I don't like it, please. Even if you want to do it, not outside, you can do it in the house. Some people may not understand. Say, this guy does not treat the wife right. But me, I understand this is you. So, I'll just speak out and we'll talk about it and that's it. For that particular issue. Okay. Then, I recall you saying that even God is jealous. So, definitely. For God to be jealous, that means jealousy has a positive side to it. So, what do you think are some of the benefits of jealousy relationships? To me, it gives both partners this sense of belonging. Sense of, I really care about this person. Because, if you don't care about something, like your child. Your child should do something, you just overlook it. When you show that person a little, not being possessive. That's when I'm jealous. This one cares about that. There's something the person will not do. Knowing that someone or the partner cares so much about him or her. Okay. So, when does jealousy now become negative? Okay. Let's say when, you know, sometimes when something happens. Some people, they don't like to speak about it. They bottle it up. Keep bottling it up. And when you bottle up issues, when you don't speak about it. At a point, when something else happens, everything will just come out like that. You know how you did the other day? I went out, you opened the car for my friend and you left the door for me to open the door myself. You did this one. It's excessive. Something needs to leave the person. Give the person time to break. Give them space to be themselves. Sometimes, that person has a family or friends before you came into his or her life. So, you don't just come and say, I'm the Ogata, the head, the lion and the tribe. Only you. You just push everyone aside. That person has a life to live. I remember one thing my husband told me. I want you to be my wife. I want to be part of your future. I want to be in anything you do. Whatever that gives you joy. You understand? I said, okay, I want to sing. He said, for what now? You're in my room. I stay here. I don't go. I don't do anything. All this can be a bit choking. So, when jealousy. Jealousy is good. But when you now do so much, it's no longer jealousy. It's now possessiveness. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. So, there's a thin line between jealousy and being possessive. When it's too much to me, it's being possessive. Where did you go? Where are you coming from? Who called you? Which phone call is it? Let me see. Oh, wow, a lot. Let me, oh, your phone beep. Is that a message? From who? Please, let them breathe. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, now, when we're faced with some feelings of jealousy as women, how best should we handle it? How best do you handle jealousy? Number one, you admit it. Okay. You know, sometimes we just do stuff. We don't take stock of our life. When you come back, you take stock of how your day has been or how it went. This, this, oh, this happened. I wouldn't have done this or I would have done this. You take stock. Then find a better way, approach to go about it. Sometimes you need to talk to people, people that you trust, that can help you. You talk. One, you talk to your partner. Very importantly, no matter what anybody tells you, you still come back to meet the person, to talk one-on-one. So, you talk how this is what you are doing. I don't like it. See what you did. You prefer this person to me. We came out in a public. You did this. You did not do for me. You did this one. And people are kind of watching, thinking, don't treat me like that. But I know you do, but do better. I don't like it. Make me feel, feel not worthy or feel inferior or it lowered my, I had serious self-esteem because of what you did. Did you notice that some things that others were like, you're not doing it because of what you did. It was your action that made, oh, you're someone that's reasonable. It's a man's call to an agreement or how to make it better or work better. Yeah. You know, this, this, um, this issue of communication is really important. And as we were talking, I just remembered an instance when there was also something that happened between me and my husband. I would say I was jealous, but in a positive way. And I had to like communicate with him about it. So like manner of approach to communication, because in communicating, that guy did not communicate it so well. So, you know, sometimes it gets as if you're attacking the person. There's a way you communicate and instead of really highlighting what your point is, you do it in a maybe aggressive way or in a way that comes as if you're attacking the person and the person now becomes defensive. So when it comes to communication, actually, manner of approach, um, it's actually really important. So I strongly agree with that. So, um, what do you think are some common mistakes that women make when, um, handling this issue of jealousy in their relationships? Um, number one, I would say, you know, most of us will come, if our husband wants to change him. You cannot change him. You can't change him. The only thing you do is to talk to him so that he should find a common ground. Okay. They gave that to him in Port Harcourt. He loved their food. Me, they gave that to me in Enugu. I love my local Enugu food. I'll come with my own bag and package. So you have to find a common ground. You don't need to change him. Manner of approach to issue also matters. Like you said, for either legal, the way you say it, the way it will come out. Yeah. He will not listen to you. He will not try to be defensive. Okay, not approaching your partner, right? You're not giving your partner space. Women are so possessive, eh? So why did you hug her like that? You used to hug me like that. You called her babe. You used to call me babe. I said, I'll call you babe. She said, no. Sometimes. Not only. And you were smiling when you were saying it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when you're looking at her. When she's gone, you look at her back. Look at her hair. If you're looking... Oh my God. So give them space. Do not... Not take... Another one is not taking care of herself. Wow. It's part of it. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Yeah. To give the guy... That's true. You can't just be looking out and doing some stuff and all that. I remember one thing happened and I had to caution my in-law. It was my sister-in-law. I think someone. The husband was like, see your... Every time you'll be telling the wife. Are you not seeing your baby's wife? The way she is, blah, blah, blah. Package, blah, blah, blah. Then I called him. I said, please, Oga. Your wife is different from me. Her body structure is different from mine. Look at me and my husband is comparing me to another person. Another person. Yeah. What you are doing. Exactly what you're doing. What it does to her. She's not on the... She doesn't speak like that. She's on the quiet side. Quiet side. So, please, stop it. Please, help her out. Anything you can do to make her look the way you want her to. Do it. If you want, we'll go and buy a wig for her. Take her out. Go out. And say, yeah, it's true. You started buying her a jean skirt, you know. Body, clothes, all those clothes. Fine. So, not taking care of herself also. It's also an issue. So, do your own. When they're not bringing up their own. You, you'll be proud. You understand? You'll check this area. You tick. You check here. Check. You check here. Check. Oh, these are not doing it well. They now work on that aspect. That area. Yeah. That's true. So, now, for those who express jealousy in a negative way. How would you advise them to actually overcome the negative expressions of jealousy and build stronger relationships? I would say, number one is people having low self-esteem. Insecurity. Once you have this, forget it. Everything will be jealous. The second thing is the person should look up. Oh, looking at one guy up. To look down. Oh, looking at one guy down. That is insecurity. I have a friend down in school that's like that. The friend. Always checking her phone. Who is this person? Is this person better than me? Those thoughts, they don't make sense. When you are insecure, say me, when you work on yourself, you know what you can do. Trust yourself and also trust your partner. Life is too simple. There's a better place for all of us. That's what I think. That's my own Tenkobo advice. Your advice is all Tenkobo. It's valuable. Because you actually have the wealth of experience. So, yeah, we value your advice. For couples or for those in relationships now, opposite sex relationships, how can they build trust? Especially if they've been having issues with jealousy in the past. They've had hurts as a result of issues in relation to jealousy. Going forward, now that they've accepted, they've realized that, oh, this is a challenge, they're willing to work on it. How would you say they can build trust in their relationship? Number one is they have to be open to each other. Okay. Number one, trust. And again, what I also have come to terms with is that when someone betrays your trust the first time, it's always difficult. And again, to give or to receive trust from the person. From the onset, please, let it be plain as paper white. It's either white or it's black. Be open to each other. Once you're open to each other, open with each other, if anything should happen, just say, oh, this is how it happened. I'll just take it from you. Or this is how it didn't happen this year. I will take it from you. Or say I'm going to Lagos. Not when you tell me this and the other side. That's the end of it. You know, human beings, how we behave. Even if you say, oh, I believe, I trust you. Your mind will go to the eye. Are you believing this person? Have you forgotten what happened the other day? Say it's true. We are still human beings. We are not God. The only thing I do is also have an open relationship. Open conversation. Trust is very important in anything you do. In any relationship, be it between opposites or the same sex. Trust is very important. Trust that I can tell you. You tell me, oh, you're drunk. I will catch you. Then I will jump and leave you. I'll break a pineapple. Yeah. Don't worry. I will catch you and leave you like this. That's the end of it. To draw our conversation to a close, what would be your final advice for women in general when it comes to managing jealousy in their relationships? Okay. Number one, I would say, like I said before, find someone to talk to. Just find a source. Communicate regularly is very important. Communication is very important. You can never be over-emphasized. You have to practice gratitude. Most of all, we don't believe. That's your duty. That's what you should do. You understand? Good. Maybe the guy went outside and I saw a lady and I opened the door. Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Oh, my God. I opened the door. Open it. Yeah. Don't show gratitude. It's very important. The little things. The best. I think you are the best. Whether it's good or bad, my dear, you're the best. Thank you. You've done well. So we should practice gratitude and again, also rethink before we respond. Yeah. Anyone that goes out and cannot come back My word will not go out and come back for it. Even if you say sorry at the long run, that one has been there. So we can't retrieve it. So we should rethink before we speak when we are angry. That's why we come back, take notes on how you spend your day and all that. How to approach each issue event that happens so that both partners will not be obsessive. And again, like I said, if you think it actually helps, don't get the opinion. Yay! Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Quinsonia for your wealth of wisdom and also for your vulnerability in sharing with us your experience as a woman managing jealousy in your relationships. We appreciate your time and we say thank you once again. You're welcome. Dealing with jealousy in relationships as women can be challenging but it is important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and work together in your relationships to build trust and mutual understanding. Remember that jealousy is a natural emotion but it should not define or control your relationship. With patience, empathy and respect you can overcome jealousy and build a stronger and happier relationship. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. I hope you were inspired to keep taking steps towards living out your dreams. If you enjoyed this episode we encourage you to share it with other women and leave us a review on our social media platform which is in the description box. And if you have any questions or comments, also feel free to subscribe to our channel to get notified of new episodes till I come your way on our next episode. Keep living, keep dreaming. Bye for now.