anger-management-for-women

The Women Lighthouse Podcast is a community for purpose-driven women who want to live their dreams. The host, Uyeme Hamilton, discusses various topics related to womanhood, including anger management. In this episode, Uyeme invites Eti Diomaykev Ishola, a health service provider and social entrepreneur, to share her experiences with anger and how she manages it. Eti Diomaykev talks about expressing anger as a 12-year-old, feeling misunderstood and needing to protect herself. She also discusses her evolution in managing anger and not making everything revolve around herself. Hello everyone! You are welcome to the Women Lighthouse Podcast. This is a community for purpose driven women who desire to live their dreams and aspirations. Our mission is to inspire you to live your dreams one day at a time while serving as a beacon of hope and guidance. We will be addressing various issues related to womanhood. Join me as we explore our journey of life together. I am your host, Uyeme Hamilton. Hello ladies! You are welcome to another episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. It's so great to have you listening today. Today we are going to be discussing a very crucial topic with regards to managing our emotions and that is anger management. As women, how do we manage anger? Anger management is a very essential aspect of a woman's emotional well-being. So, women handle anger in different ways. In today's discussion, we will be having a woman just like you tell us about her experience with managing anger and the progress she has made in her journey with anger management. She will be telling us more about the triggers of anger and coping mechanisms in handling the emotion of anger. So, it's not an episode you want to miss. Stay tuned. You are welcome back. So, let's get right into our conversation for today. So, our guest is Eti Diomaykev Ishola. She is a health service provider that specializes in perinatal and mental health. She is also a social entrepreneur who founded Mixed Cares and it's an organization that offers perinatal mental health and support services to women and parents in Nigeria. She is also an author of five books and she runs the virtual space that provides perinatal mental health support for women who are at their preconception phases, pregnancy or postpartum phases. You are welcome, Eti Diomaykev. It's great to have you on the show. Thank you. So, our viewers, I'd like to give you a brief about Eti Diomaykev. She's actually my very good friend, more like a sister to me. And we attended the university together, so we're quite close. And at some point, we even stayed, we're like roommates. So, she's someone I know very well. When I thought about this topic and who I would love to invite, she was the first person to cross my mind. And I'm so glad you were able to accept our invitation here today, Eti Diomaykev. You're welcome. Thank you, Wimena. I really appreciate your invitation. Discussing about managing anger as women. So, we want to know a little about your experiences dealing with anger. Please share with us an experience you've had with dealing with anger and how you were able to manage it. Wimena, thank you for that question. So, for me, I remember actually expressing the feeling of anger as far back as a 12-year-old. I do remember that. And I don't remember the incidents clearly. But I remember bumping into the kitchen, picking up the kettle and flinging it outside. And I don't remember what really happened, but my mom was so surprised and she was so shocked. And then, because my mom didn't used to beat us, she didn't used to. It was my dad doing the beating and hitting and, you know, and if we do something, you know, we hear things like, let your father come back, you know, that kind of stuff. So, but this day, my dad was in the house. I think my dad had flogged me for something. I can't really remember what really happened, to be sincere. But I still have memories of that because that was the most, for me, it was, I didn't like it. But I do remember picking up the kettle and I went outside. The energy, you know, when you're angry, there's a rush of adrenaline that comes into your bones. And you think that, you normally, imagine a 12-year-old. What energy did I have? The kettle was filled up with water. And I picked it up, it was boiling on the gas. I picked it up and I flinged it outside. I remember literally flinging it. And where I stood was so far away from the direction where the kettle went, that if anyone was coming from the opposite direction, that person would literally be in a bad place, you know, if they came in contact with that. So because of the force in which I used in throwing that, everyone heard what happened and everybody came out trying to find out what happened. And then my mom figured that it was either because they had cautioned me and I got angry and went to, you know, fling the kettle. And then my mom started saying, is that the way you express anger? Look at what you just did. It's not nice. So we just cautioned you and what you do is to do this. You know, I think either the caution was either they had beaten me up or I was just angry. So, you know, anger is just that. It's a healthy, for me, I don't see anger as an unhealthy emotion. It is a natural healthy emotion that every human being experiences due to frustration, a sense of being misunderstood. You know, you can experience, you can express it through your physical attributes or like what I did, I threw away that stuff and all. And then I still remember that along the line growing up, I still expressed anger. And for me, the reason why I remember that particular one is because I remember that I had a pain on my arms for a long, like almost a couple of weeks because of the energy I used. I think I even had a kind of a slight dislocation or something. You know, you are a doctor. I don't know how that works. But I think I do remember having pains on my arms. I flinged that stuff. Subsequently, I still do remember other anger episodes. But for me, that's as far back as 12 years. I do also remember, you know, being angry in conversations. And mostly when I track back, now that I'm much older, when I track back and I'm like, it was because, number one, I didn't feel like I was understood. No one really understood why I'm doing what I am doing. People should trust me. I know what I'm doing. You know? I just felt like I wasn't being understood. I also felt like I needed to stand up for myself, to protect myself because people don't understand me. You get what I mean? So I always try to, you know, protect myself by getting people to understand me. And that protection was show them that that's not what you meant. So I could be so angry. And it wasn't just about me alone. It was even about anger towards injustice, people being treated badly, offended, you know. I was always very, very angry. Not because, for my own case, not because my childhood was not, it was kind of a positive childhood because my parents spent a lot of time trying to speak with us and have conversations with us. But I think as a child, the environment I grew up, we had loads of adults, young adults, let's not say adults, young adults who were like older than us, who were like already in their secondary school and we were in primary school, you know, who were always bullying us. You know? There was a lot of bullying ongoing. So we still managed to have that conversation with our parents. Because my parents were busy professionals at the time. My mom was a young nurse. My dad was a lawyer. So they were always busy. So when we were left alone with housekeepers and all, you know, we were open to relating with our neighbors and we had those episodes. So because of those bullies, I do remember that I needed to stand up for myself to make sure that I was not being bullied and to make sure that I was not being, that someone was not being unfair to another person. So I do remember that in my episode of anger, I could literally go and fight for another person. That is none of my business. Like I know for a fact that that's how it used to be. So when we talk about anger, it's not necessarily just about your feeling or your expression of how you feel or you being misunderstood, your person being attacked. It could also be in relation to how you think that people are not being treated fairly or how you think that you're not being treated fairly or just the way you perceive a particular situation. Because anger does not happen. If you perceive that as an attack on you or unfair treatment or, you know, it's the way you perceive it. That's just what it is. That's the expression that we see. Do you get it? If you feel like, I don't remember, let me give you an instance. So working as a team, as a team lead for my organization, Naked Cares, so we have people who work for us. I have two very active social media managers. And God bless them. They're putting in a lot of work, you know. And it was a conversation ongoing. That was the best. First of all, I'm not that. Let me clear this. Let me clear the air. I'm not in that state anymore because I've evolved. Yeah, very true. Emotionally more intelligent. I've learned to not make everything revolve around me. So we always, the problem with anger is that you get angry about things because you feel like everything in the world revolves around you. You have to be Jesus to stand up for people. You have to, no one should talk to you in that manner. Why should they disrespect you? Why should they misunderstand you? You mean well. You don't actually, you just feel like you're not doing anything bad. You feel like you're being misunderstood. I will give you a chance to explain why you did what you did instead of them to talk down on you or talk behind you. I was always so worried that people were saying something about me behind. I needed to clear the air. And when I'm about to clear the air, I start shouting. I start, you know, making issues out of it. I remember, I think it was the News Fellowship back then. I remember. Okay. I remember an incident. I can't remember clearly what really happened. Well, I think I was, I made a statement that I was going for the weekend at my godparents. And I think someone said, oh, you're always going for weekends. And I remember getting very angry and defensive because I felt like I heard that rumor sometime ago that they're now hearing it too. Well, it's time for me to clear the air. I like to clear the air. Don't say something about me because I'll come and confront you. I'm still like that, right? However, I've learned to use emotion. I know I have to tell you exactly what I want to tell you now without even expressing anger, even if it made me angry. But I am still like that. I'm still very, you know, less, not like I'm confrontational. No, because obviously being confrontational is really not easy. It's critical. So you need to be able to, you know, meet that issue, address it without making it unhealthy for you. Because anger is not even just about you expressing it to the person receiving it. It's even for your own well-being. I remember struggling with a lot of things. I was struggling with headaches, fever, after a very serious episode of anger. I hated it. Like I literally disliked it. So each time I'm angry and I express myself in that manner, the moment that scene is over, I start wishing I had done differently, even though I wasn't right. So I start wishing, oh, how would I have handled this issue? Could I have handled it better? Could I have said it without screaming, you know? I always feel that way. And then the headache that comes with it, the stress that comes with it. And then because I am very open-minded and very forgiving, I could be very angry with you about something, very intensely angry about you right now. And the next minute, I forgot. As long as I've expressed it, I've forgotten it. I want to hug you. I want to play with you. I want to be normal again. You know? But you've damaged that relationship. You've said something horrible to that person. So it's difficult for the person. Right? So those are the challenges I have. I didn't want to express myself in that manner, but I found myself doing it repeatedly. And it made people not want to keep. The people that stayed around are people who genuinely understood that, oh, this is a challenge and it can always be fixed. I still remember a couple of people saying, oh, my mom especially, thanks to her, you can always express yourself without being angry or being angry. You can say something without being emphatical, even if you are in the right. You know? You can say, my mom repeatedly said those things to me. Because I remember getting on a vehicle and my mom won, and I had to fight the driver. Wow. Why? What happened? I was just angry because he disrespected my mom, and I can't stand that. You know? I was just angry. I was so angry. I started screaming, give us our money. Drop us here now. You know? My mom was like, calm down now. Why are you doing that? I'm like, mommy, leave me. Let's calm down. Did you hear what he said to you? You know? So it was just a lot of episodes. So let me track my thoughts back. Something I want to say that I found, I think it would really help the listeners. So in all of this, when I remember those episodes, I'm not grateful. I'm not happy that I had to express myself in the way I did. I wish I had known better how to express myself. The thing is, a lot of people see anger as a very negative emotion. But I think it's a natural thing. All of us get angry. It's just the way we express it that matters. And let me say, truth be told, we don't ever know how we're going to react to all the situations, no matter how emotionally intelligent or composed that we are. Because life differs. Things happen differently. And what triggers you might not be what triggers me. Very true. A lot of resilience and a lot of self-discipline for you to take a deep breath and mindfulness and take a step backward and look at that, analyze that situation again. And also, because people sometimes attack our personality when there is a disagreement, we are angry, we are triggered to want to defend ourselves. Other people have shown themselves in a way where they now say, you know what, whatever you call me, you can call me stupid. That's coming from your mouth. But I know for a fact that I am not stupid. So it doesn't really matter. Do you get it? Do you understand? Yeah. You can call me whatever it is that you want to call me. You know, a pain in the ass or whatever. I know that's how you're perceiving it. But truth be told, I could be a pain in the ass sometimes. But other times, I'm also very loving. So I think when it has to do with perceiving conversations or events that trigger anger, it is the way we interpret it that really matters. Wow. So for you, at what point did you think – when did you come to that point that actually the way you were managing this emotion, you needed to make some adjustments? At what point in your life? And what made you come to that realization that you needed to work on how you manage anger? Truth be told, I can't really tell that that was a time, per se, that I said, oh, I need to work on my anger. Because if I want to be sincere, I still feel like people misunderstood me. No, that's a problem. Do you understand? I still feel like people misunderstood me. So they should just give me a chance to express myself. And you know something about this conversation? I'm really grateful because I think the Holy Spirit actually asked you to have a conversation with me. Because I had a dream three weeks ago, a couple of weeks ago. And in that dream, I think God was showing me a scene of something that happened in my past. And it had to do with anger. Okay. Yeah, and that was three weeks ago. And this is me saying that I do remember that my changes started happening, say, well, in 2013 now, or 2023 now. That was sometime in 2019. It was when I got married. That's when I started noticing a lot of changes. Now, prior to that year, prior to that 2019, there were changes. But obviously, it's not like I intentionally said, oh, I will not be, you know, angry again. Right? But the marriage that I realized that or more, there's actually nothing to fight about. Because you will have disagreement. And you will be angry, so angry, and you're boiling up. And the other person is just looking at you. Like, they're like, can't you see what you did? And the person doesn't see what they did do. Thank God. Like, you'll be literally fuming. And this person doesn't want to come on the other side and say, oh, this is what I did or own up to it. Because it made me realize that perspective. This person doesn't want to say anything wrong with what you have done. And you, you're angry. Jehovah. You're fuming. You don't even want to stand up and get them to do what they're supposed to do right. Meanwhile, they're like, look at where I am. I'm okay. I did nothing wrong. And you're like, truth. You will later realize that truth, this person actually might not say anything wrong with what they are doing. Yeah. And the moment that illumination came, I started saying, okay, because at the end of the day, it's you that is stressed emotionally. It's you that has physically expressed your anger. It is you that will have a headache. It is you that will have a sense of guilt and all. It starts serving as a sense of stress for you. In some ways. It might not affect you. Like I'm going to say this. Anger, eventually, for me, I didn't have a part in my life where anger affected my day-to-day life. But if you're listening and you get to a point where you know that anger is affecting your relationship, it's affecting your day-to-day life, every day you can't find yourself going along without getting angry in a day. Things are getting you angry. My advice would be channel that anger into making money. Find the solutions for those things and start making money out of them. That's the one. Take professional help to guide you on how to get through your mindfulness. Like I said, mindfulness has to do with the way you interpret the situation, your thought processes, how you think that everything must revolve around, land on your lap. No, you're not Jesus Christ. The only person that the world revolves around is Jesus Christ. Do you understand? I think that was my major point. Defining time has to be in marriage. I'm still a work in progress. I would not say I am there. One of the things I always like to tell people is that if you are working on becoming a better person, it might not be anger. It might just be a self-discipline decision that you decide to make for yourself. It might just be you taking on new learning processes. It might just be something that will require you to employ self-control. I would like to say that even if you think that you will get to a point of perfection, it's never going to be possible because we are human beings. It's not going to be possible, no. You only are better than you were yesterday. When you find yourself slacking, give yourself a pat on the back and try again. Make sure you don't lose focus on your goal and who you really want to be. I'm so proud of that because people look at me in my communities and they say to me, I've never known someone so emotionally intelligent. I laugh. Oh my God, you made them come back to 10 years ago. I still have those struggles. I'm better off 10 years ago. I'm better off five years ago. I'm better off last year. I'm better off two months ago. I'm more empathic. I'm more patient. I'm more considerate. I'm more take the step backward and understand the perspective. People don't always have to share your perspective. We all have diverse perspectives. The moment I realized that everybody has a good intention. Everybody has a good intention. The reason I'm doing this is because they have intentions. There's always a reason behind our actions. Sometimes people are not even out for you. They just want to be them. Sometimes their them is negative. The moment someone is being them and their their them is negative, that's when you realize it's not about you again. It's on them. It's not me that is giving you those negative thoughts. It's not me that is making you not trust me. It is your trust issue. It's not me that is making you be verbally abusive towards me. It's not me that is making you not be able to hold a conversation without attacking my person. It's you that has refused to evolve and grow. Because if you get to a certain state of maturity and growth, you realize that you can talk about a phone without having to divert and talk about it then. You can focus on that phone and address the issue of the phone without affecting or puncturing. Let your words be seasoned with salt so that it can minister grace. One of the things I'd like to say is that those particular lines always remind me all the time. It's always at the back of my mind. Now that you said this, did he minister grace? That's why I'm always very quick to apologize. The moment someone says that thing you said, I'm like, oh my Lord, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to attack your person. The moment people have not gotten to that point of where they have gained emotional maturity, it's no longer on you. It's them. I don't think people actually, we need to understand that everybody has a certain level of emotional maturity. If you are more emotionally matured, you are wasting your time expecting emotional maturity from somebody who is less emotionally mature. That way, it will reduce the trigger of anger. There's nothing anybody can tell me or call me in this life or somebody can say about me in this life that will make me so angry with them that I will not even start. One of the reasons why I don't encourage hitting a child is part of the struggles I also had. I think my father hitting me did play a role too. Even though my dad was a very loving father, in all sincerity, I think I was the most loved. I still feel like I'm the most loved of all my father's children. He didn't even used to hit me that much. He would just raise his hand. Then when he comes close, my mother would be like, you are cheating. You are cheating. Beat her well. Show her that you are angry. Don't do that. Those could have contributed to my anger and all. I encourage parents not to show anger when a child does. You should show anger but not in a negative and abusive or destructive manner. Do you understand what I mean? When parents say, oh, I'm not saying you shouldn't hit your child. You want to hit your child, do. Make sure when you are hitting your child, your expression is an expression of love. I've never seen a parent hit a child with love. When you are in this kind of situation where you are in the heat of anger, what's the best thing to do at that point in time when you are very angry and you don't want to respond? What do we do? Mindfulness. In practical terms. The truth is, because you are not waiting for something to happen. You are not waiting for something to happen. But if something negative happens, if you've trained yourself over the years, over the years, what I mean, something happened today, you tried and said, okay, I'm not going to respond. And then you find another time to respond to it if it really matters. And then another day you are angry and you respond again. Then eventually you start realizing that it's not everything that you have to respond to. So when you are about to respond to those things, you can take deep breaths. And let it go first. Sometimes people do that and it's like, can you just say what you want to say? Say it, say it. And they are triggering you more. They are puncturing you more. You just find yourself and you just bust out. No. I know it's difficult. I know it's difficult. But you are taking a deep breath. And then you shake your head. It has happened to me. This I'm telling you. It has happened to me. Say what you want to say. The person is, at that point you realize that the moment you do that, the moment that person did that thing to me by saying, say what you want to say, shaking your head, I just realized that, oh, this one is looking for who to feed off their negativity. I just practice. The moment that happens, mindfulness happens. And I took a step backward and asked myself, okay, is this thing really important? What are we dragging about? Is it going to bring money into my pocket? Is it going to make me feel better or not? Like immediately a place just comes and immediately I just let go. Everything just drops. That power is gone. It happened repeatedly. And then I asked myself, why does it really matter? Like, why does it really matter that I have to prove a point? Like, does it really matter? Do I have to win this fight? What am I trying to win? I think it's maturity that happens that makes us start deciding what is important and what is not important. Yeah, very true. Very true. Because at the end of the day, you regret. It doesn't mean that. I haven't seen it. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. 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It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that. I have seen you evolve. I have seen you evolve into where you are today and I can truly say that all you have said has really been very, very, very inspiring and to our listeners, I hope you've been able to pick a few tips that can help you because anger is actually inevitable. It's an expression or an emotion that on a daily basis you would definitely feel but what matters most is how can you handle it in a healthy way, in such a way that it doesn't affect you and it doesn't affect the other person that you're experiencing or dealing with or building a relationship with. I just want to say thank you Edilion for coming today and thank you for sharing your experience with us on how you've been able to manage anger as a woman. Thank you so much. It's been great having you on the show. You're welcome. Just at the last point and I do remember this mantra came to me a couple of years ago and I said to myself that anger is a waste of emotions and that was born. A lot of times when I say people are like, hello, what are you saying? We cannot do without anger. I agree. But I'm saying anger is a waste of emotions because every time I got angry, I realized that I had wasted that expression because most of the time, 90% of the time, it was my perception. It was me misunderstanding a situation. It was me going overboard. It was me trying to prove a point that was not really relevant. I didn't have to. In short, I say this to people, unless it is life-threatening, don't ever put yourself in a position where you have to be so angry that you start feeling feverish, start feeling angry or you start having this heart race and all of that. Don't ever put yourself in that situation. No matter what happens in life, there is always a way to resolve it without expressing anger in a negative way. Express your anger in a positive way. Negative anger, let me put it that way, let me not say anger in itself, negative anger is a waste of emotions. It's a waste of a chance for you to be able to handle the issue appropriately. A chance for you to handle that issue that you will learn from. When you're angry, you don't learn from these situations. But when you are able to take a step backwards, you learn. You know that, like the case that I told you. I remember this person was just trying to poke me, it was at my place of work. She's not confident in herself, she was just trying to poke me. That was how I learned. I had a helper hand. So I left, I walked over and I left. So each time she does that, I'm like, oh no, I'm so sorry for you, I wish. I'm not angry, we have a place of empathy. I wish. I wish this person can be emotionally intelligent. That's how I deal with depression. Because I took a step backwards. So you get a chance to learn how to deal with it. But when you express anger immediately, no chance for learning, you brutal everything, you scatter everywhere. That's it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. So that's going to be it for our episode today. I believe you've learned something from this inspiring episode. So you'll be joining us next episode, where we'll be discussing on another emotion and how to manage it. Thank you for listening to today's episode of the Women Lighthouse Podcast. I hope you were inspired to keep taking steps towards living out your dreams. If you enjoyed this episode, we encourage you to share it with other women and leave us a review on our social media platform, which is in the description box. Also, feel free to subscribe to our channel to get notified of new episodes. Till I come your way on our next episode, keep living, keep dreaming. Bye for now.