Emotional Intelligence Questions

Coaching for self-awareness is important because many people are not naturally self-aware. Using questions, particularly starting with "what," is effective in building self-awareness. It's important to avoid starting with "why" questions. Instead, focus on desired behaviors and ask how the person can improve. Using a rating scale can also be helpful. Dovetailing is a technique that involves highlighting strengths and using "and" instead of "but" to create positive momentum in the conversation. Now as we discuss the five tenets in self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and self-awareness, I'm just going to focus on self-awareness. And here's why. For 30 years, we have defined coaching very simplistically. Number one, it's getting someone to look in the mirror. Number two, it's getting them to take action on number one. Yet very few people do number one arbitrarily on their own. Much like I cited the study done by Tasha Yerke in her book Insights, 95% of the people in her survey said they were highly self-aware. Only 10% to 15% were self-aware. With that being said, looking in the mirror is not fun. Now I'm going to make some crass comments. Some people don't like what they see, so they choose not to look. I'll give you a reference point. You know somebody with a really negative attitude or they're just constantly complaining? Do you know deep down I think those people really know they have a problem? They just don't know another way. They're not utilizing their emotions. So questions are the absolute critical component to building self-awareness. Here's why. If you go up to negative Nancy and say, Nancy, you're really negative. You know, you don't inspire people. You kind of tick them off and you're frustrating to be around. Do we honestly expect her to look at us and say, you know, I knew I had a problem. Thank you so much. I bet you're laughing. Questions with the word what. Nancy, what are you going to do to engage with the rest of your team? What are you going to do to successfully inspire and motivate? What are you going to do to diplomatically work with the teammates from the other departments? Start with what questions? Not, especially with self-awareness and emotional intelligence, do not start with why questions. Nancy, why aren't you getting along with Tom? She's not going to look at you and say, well, you know, it's me. Tom's great. I'm just an undermining you know what. Start with what questions? What are you going to do to successfully, that's your self-actualized question. Insert the desired behavior, the opposite insertion question. If she's arduous, what are you going to do to diplomatically and openly engage with the rest of the team? Insert the desired behaviors. Now, a rating question could be Nancy. On a scale of one to six, six, you're engaging, you're diplomatic, you're thoughtful, people receive you well. And you do this all the time flawlessly without hesitation. Remember, when you use rating questions, give the bookend some really good substance. And one, you know, you're inconsistent, choppy at times, you can be a little bit arduous or tough at times, like we all can. Where would you rate yourself? She'll go in the middle, guaranteed. Well, I'm about a two or three or about a three or four. The answer is inconsequential. Your response is what's critical. What do we need to do specifically to move towards a six? And what's the value to you if we're successful? That starts to create a different mindset. Now, this is just questions for self-awareness. Now, one of the ways you get someone to look in the mirror is use a technique called dovetailing. Nancy, here are the three things you do really, really well. And not but, and I think about you engaging with your teammates more successfully and having that become one of your strengths. What do you think we need to do together to facilitate that? Notice my language. A lot of what? Facilitate. I didn't use the word constructive feedback. And never, ever, ever use the word but, because but will erase the good things. So the reason you use dovetailing, you start with two or three strengths, you insert the word and, and guess what happens? You create the area that you're coaching to as an opportunity for it to become a strength. The strengths create momentum in the conversation. But the minute you say but, that creates an emotional trigger in the person that you're coaching.