Growth is not a Linear Path

The speaker feels nervous about recording themselves and expresses the deep conversations happening within them. These conversations cause a burning sensation and physical discomfort. They question why they need to put themselves out there and long for privacy. The speaker reflects on their recent painting session and the significance of their artwork. They discuss their ability to create and the beauty they see in their own work. They also mention their YouTube channel and their talent for storytelling through images. The speaker reflects on their gift and expresses gratitude for their abilities. They discuss the phases of growth and the pain that comes with it. They realize that growth is not linear and that they will continue to evolve and discover new versions of themselves. They express exhaustion but also a profound understanding that their journey of self-discovery is ongoing. Okay, so, here we go. I don't know why it feels... I am feeling nervous. I'm aware that I am recording myself. But before I started recording, I realized that I have so much to say. There's so many conversations that are happening inside of me. Really deep conversations. And, yeah, they're getting louder and louder. And lately, when I'm having these conversations with myself, they are starting to burn me, inside of me. Right in between my ribcages. Deep within, there's this burning sensation. Physically. It makes my heart beat really fast. To a point where I even feel it in the back of my throat. It makes my shoulders clench. And my fists and my knuckles to tense. And then I know that this conversation is no longer mine alone. It's no longer for me. It needs to go out. But how do I... How do I put myself out there? How do I become so vulnerable about something that is so personal, so dear to me? Which is me. Why do I always need to do that? Why do I need to put myself out there like this? Why can't I have me to myself? And that's it. That's what goes through my mind. That's what goes through my mind. And I'm like, why can't I just have these to myself? They're really great. Before I started recording, I was just staring at my paintings. Yesterday I went to the art jam in Brampton Dane. And I had a two hour painting session. And I had a picture in mind of what I wanted to paint. And it was something that... I was just like, I want my painting to reflect where I'm at right now. And to be something that is quite significant in my spiritual journey. In my growth journey. And just where I am. And what better way to summarize it than a butterfly. Because I am still in this phase of the ballerina and the butterfly. Interesting concept. I remember the last time I put it out on my YouTube channel, I said, I don't know what it means. But there was something along the lines of, I don't know what it means, but I'm just attracting a different type of people. And there's a certain energy that is coming from me. Beautiful, beautiful face. Beautiful. But then I wasn't aware of the other side that lies to it. And so that's what I painted. I painted a butterfly, a half-wing. And the other side was sunflowers. Sunflowers. And as I'm staring at, like right now, at this painting, I'm looking at it right now. Wow. I look at it and I'm like, even I can't believe that I painted this. That I created this. The color combination on the butterfly's wings. And just how they blend into each other. The butterfly itself, its wings. What a beautiful painting. And I created this. That's literally what I was thinking. And then I looked at my other painting that I painted on... Oh, I didn't even write the date on it. Well, I even posted it on my Instagram. But I'm also looking at the other painting. And it's a painting of the sea. And just a lighthouse. And the sunset. And the skies are turning orangish, fading from the blue. And it looks like a beautiful, beautiful sunset. And at the back it says, made for the deep of the sea. And the inspiration behind this art was Nsaki's song, Harboring Hope. And I was reminding myself that I'm made for the deep of the sea. So I'm looking at these two paintings in my room. And I was just thinking to myself, I was like, I created these things. And I painted them. And I created them. And I saw something. I saw them. I felt them. I saw them. And I took a paintbrush, pencil. And I literally created what I saw. And it came out even more beautiful than what I saw. And yeah, I was just reflecting on that as I'm sitting down. And then this burn started. Just before I could really dive deep into it on my own. Because I had my journal and I was just about to journal. But I couldn't write. I wanted to speak. And the burn just said, record it. And I've had the podcast in my head for quite a while. For quite a while. And I was like, I need to get equipment. I need to get the microphone and the works. But this burn right now is like, just record. Just record it. Speak. There's so much to say. And these conversations are not for you alone. And trust me, I wish they were for me alone. If it was up to me, I would never want to put myself out there in any way. Including my YouTube channel. And hence, when I go through things and life is lifing and it's getting to me. And my brain becomes louder than my spirit. Then I don't want to create anymore and I don't want to put myself out there. Because trust me, if it was up to me, I wouldn't even put myself out there. Or shame myself like that. But it's something that I've come to know, so need to accept, really. That it's a part of who I am. It's a part of my being. It's a part of my responsibility. So, yeah, I just wanted to reflect on that. On just my ability to create. And to see things. To see images in my head. To see pictures. And to be able to bring them to life. And over the past two months, I've been bringing them to life in a form of paintings. And, yeah, I'm just basking into that. Just really having a moment to just sit and actually look at that and say, I created these paintings. And they are so beautiful. And as I was creating them, I couldn't see their beauty. I couldn't. Until someone else had to say to me, Wow, this is what you made? And the people around me at the art gym started taking pictures of it. Hey, can we take a picture of it? I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. And then when I looked at the picture that they took and I could see it from their eyes, I was like, whoa, I created that. I painted that. What? Oh, wow. I created that. Yeah, I'm just basking into that. I'm just taking that all in. I painted these things. And even like with my channel, my YouTube channel, just like seeing images and being able to take a camera and to create these images and to be able to put these images together for them to tell a story. Like, wow. Like, yeah, I made those. I made those. And just my ability to hear music. Like, I literally hear music in a way that I thought was normal. But I realized that I hear music in a very different sense. Like, I literally not only feel the beat, I literally feel what the artist is communicating. And I literally get goosebumps all over my body. And I feel what they're saying. I not only hear the songs and the beats, but I feel what they're communicating. And then from that, images, a story just sparks within me to tell. And then I create these videos. And now lately, and then I paint. And then I write on my journal. And I say these things. At times, I write these things and I say these things. And then after that, I reread them. I say, whoa, hold up, whoa. Yeah. That's literally what's happening. And I need at this moment to reflect on my gift to do these things. On the talents that I've been given. Just how grateful I am for it. Like, looking at this picture of this butterfly in my room, I found myself so grateful to be able to create something like this so effortlessly. Like, all these things come so effortlessly to me. I literally don't have to do anything. I see images and I create them. And I'm so grateful for that. Like, I'm really grateful for it. And it's this phase of the ballerina and the butterflies. It's been beautiful. The most beautiful phase I've ever been in my life. Yet at the same time, I think that's what I say on the purpose video. I don't think I've ever experienced pain like this. But man, I don't think I've experienced pain like this. But I haven't, though. I haven't. Because the phase, like, the ballerina is a sacrifice. It's pain. And that's also what the butterfly goes through when it's put in the cocoon. Because the butterfly is also a worm. And it goes into its cocoon, isolated and dark. And that phase of being in that darkness, where now you're being prepared to become a butterfly. And I went through that. I started off by flapping my wings, seeing this beauty of this phase. Seeing the beauty of living in my purpose. I was emerging from my purpose phase. And I was going through this beauty. And I thought to myself... I mean, I did create the video of what the whole phase looks like. But I didn't take into consideration of what it meant to infuse sacrifice and beauty. To infuse pain and happiness. And I just focused on this beauty that I was in. And surely nothing else could save me. And surely this is who I am. And this is it. This is growth. This is me now. This is fully me. And now that I've gone through what I've been through, I'm like... Growth is not linear. At all. It's not linear. I... I don't... I will never fully reach a full version of myself. While I'm still on earth and I'm this physical being. And I'm expressing my spiritual self in this physical world. I will keep on reaching other levels to myself. So I'm like in this state of going into this cocoon. And then the new version of myself emerging. And then basking into that version of myself. And then going back into this cocoon. And then another me emerges. And so this journey of becoming, this process of becoming, it's a never ending journey. As I am still on earth. That baffled me. Because I was just like... I thought... Goodbye me. This is it. I know my purpose. I know what I'm here to do. I've come to learn through all these years. Who I am. Who my people are. My ancestors are. What I'm here to do on earth. How do I go about it. All these tasks that I still need to do. And started all these tasks. And I was like... Now the only thing I need to do is just to do these tasks. And that's it. That's it. I'm done. I know myself fully. Yeah, I do know myself. But I know versions of myself. There's still other versions of me that are just waiting to emerge. With each life experience. There's still versions of myself. And this is a never ending journey. And just me realizing that. Man, I was taken. Like I went through a phase which is like... Like I'm tired, man. Like I'm tired of working on myself. I'm tired of learning about myself. When does this end? It doesn't. That's the thing. The process of becoming... And also it's just not linear. Listening to Opilani Uwu. And her song... Her album, Folklore, says that. It says growth is not a linear path. Damn. Yeah. Sometimes you've got this. You know yourself. You are working towards yourself. You're doing everything that is good for your spiritual growth. That heals your soul. Heals the ones around you. And then sometimes you're taking these things back. You don't even know who you are. You question every bit of yourself. Even the parts that you're definitely sure about. But you question them. But you question them. Man. Yeah. And now I'm learning this new version of myself. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. But it doesn't take away from the versions of myself that I've come to know. That's still me. It doesn't mean I don't know myself. But it just means I'm learning another part to myself. I went through death. I experienced death. Death so closely. Something I've never come to experience in my whole entire life. It's one thing to experience death of a distant family member. But it's another to experience death of an immediate family. That you lived with for years. Spoke to almost every day. Weeped. Saw. Laughed with. It's one thing to know about death from other people. And to know that we're on a journey coming from the spirit world. To come and experience this physical world. And one day we'll be called to the spirit world. But it's another to experience it. It's one thing for your soul to know something. It's another for your brain to experience something. And to come to accept something. It's another for you to be in a complete shock state. In denial. Like I'm dreaming. This is not happening. And it's one thing deep within you there's a certain peace. And a certain truth that says this is it. It happened. It's supposed to happen. It's a part of life. It's one thing for your spirit to know something. Which gives you peace within rocky storms. But you're peaceful. You're in this rocky boat. Because of your brain. Sometimes you focus on the peace and so the turbulence is not that much. Sometimes you don't even want to think of the peace. You're just like, you know what, I just want to focus on the turbulence right now. I lost my grandfather. Someone who was so close to me. Whom I considered as my dad. Whom I lived with. Since. I think it was since grade. It was like 2000. After 2012. 2013. I can't say it out loud. When even now. Five months later. Six months later. It's still a part of me that's like, I can't believe this happened. But you can see that you haven't seen him ever since. It's still like, man, I can't believe you're gone now. You can still see him in this physical world. Sure. I experienced dad so close. For me to say it out loud like this is something else too. And it's another thing to be a spiritual being, to be in touch with your spirituality. For me that's the other part that scared me a lot. Death made me so vulnerable. And so scared to experience spirituality. Like literally being so scared to dream. Scared to speak to your ancestors. Scared of the person that you loved so dearly. And you loved with. And you, you know. How does that even happen? How do you have such a close relationship with your spirituality and all these beings? And now you don't even, you're even scared to deal with them. Because now it's real. Like it's one thing to experience an ancestor that you've never met physically. And then you meet them spiritually. And you form a connection with them spiritually. And it's one thing to live with someone, to see them. And then to not see them again. And then to experience them in a dream. And to feel their presence but you can't see them. That was scary for me. And I know like, you know, one of my friends is just like, you should be so grateful. That's actually like a great thing. And I was like, is it? Because I'm scared. Like I was scared. I was scared to even like, speak to my ancestors. Like all I was scared. Because I was like, oh my gosh. You guys are real. Like I know you guys are real but you guys are real. This thing is real and now he's on the other side. This is real. I got to learn myself. I never knew myself like how I am when I deal with grief. I got to learn like, just how vulnerable I was. Man, I feel so bare naked. No sense of protection. And I... And having to run away from self. Because you're the spiritual being that feels all these things. That sees all these things. That has people reaching out to them spiritually. And now you're scared. Like I started being more in touch with physical me. And it was a nightmare to deal with. Because I was constantly in my head. And in my head, like I'm... Yeah, like I was now in my head and I was like... I had to run away from self. Because I was scared the hell out of me. And so I just held on to coping mechanisms. Meditating. Journaling. But the more I was doing all these things that are good for me. And were helping me to cope. The more I then had to feel everything. And I was forced to deal with everything. And I was like, I'm not ready to do this. The one thing I also realized about myself in that process. That I don't want to deal with things as they come. I was like, no, I'm not dealing with this. I don't want to deal with this. And that's the thing that I learned. It's one thing to be aware. It's another to act on your awareness. And I'm truly grateful for awareness of self. But man, it's one thing to be aware. And it's another to act on your awareness. And so I was aware of what I needed to do. But I was like, nah, I'm dealing with this. And so you get stuff that will numb out the pain. That will numb out the closeness to self and spirituality. Distance from my key spiritual point, which will be Kailamoi. The Revelation Spiritual Home. Going but not being as in tune. Rather watch on the app than going physically there. Because that's where you are. And so you'll feel things more. A glass of wine before I sleep. Because I've gotten numb out. I cannot dream. Going out. Focusing on relationships with others more than relationship with self. Because relationship with self means having to deal with what's happening. But you know one thing I realized is you can run away from self up to an extent. And then there comes a time where you actually need to deal with self. Because even your numbing mechanisms are no longer numbing. Because they numb for a certain extent. But your problems are still there. What you need to deal with is still there. I never knew just how scared I am until I experienced it. Just how afraid I was. And just how much spirituality gives me a sense of safety. It's my safety net. I've become so bold and courageous. But when I'm out of touch with self, I am scared. Yeah, I am. Yeah. And then when you come back to self and now you realize, okay, I actually need to work on this. Then, instead of dealing with what's to come, you now start beating yourself up for all the time, inverted quotes, wasted. Like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I took so much time for me to deal with this. I'm supposed to be doing this now. I'm supposed to be, yeah. But you're still not in the moment. Now you're holding on to the past. I should have, I could have, why didn't I? You're still not where you're supposed to be. What I should be doing right now. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not here? You're still not in that present moment. You're still not surrendering to where you are right now. And I'm so grateful for you teaching Yinbonyi from the past mandi. You have, like, everyone in the world is searching. Our souls are searching. Our souls want to be free. We want to be at peace. We want to be free. We want that spiritual freedom. And so, we search for all these things. We're searching. We're yearning. So we move from job to job. So we want to change places. We want to change our friends. We want to reinvent ourselves. We want to move to this country, to this country. We go on mountains. We meditate. We go hiking. We do all these things in search for this freedom. And Yinbonyi said, There is nothing under the sun that will give you spiritual freedom. Spiritual freedom is only found through spiritual revelations. Yisambolo, which is the gateway of life. And us, Ekayin Lomoya, have found Yisambolo. Yisambolo only comes through Umto-Tetisbani. Through Istunyo Aseze, that is closer to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. Yisambolo is the gateway to Umtad. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I am here. I mean, my name is Bipo Uli. Give us good. And part of the thing is that I am a servant. That's my purpose is to serve. To give. And to give of myself fully. To give all that is good. And I am good. All that is good, including me. And so this is for my benefit. Because this is how I process things. This is how I gather myself. And at the same time, it's not only for me. Because if it was up to me, I wish I could just record things and save them up. Because I've got a lot of recordings for myself that I've saved up on my Google Drive. And whenever I need it, I just go back to it and I listen. But now, I've reached a point where it's like you can't record it for yourself. Only. These others. These others. Because I can't only document the upheel. I need to also not... I can't only document the good. Or the part where I feel I've returned to self and I'm whole again. And here I am, flourishing in my spirituality. I need to know. Because other people also need... I also need to see. Not only other people. I also need to know that you won't always have it together. I won't always know myself. I won't always do things by the book. I won't always... And I need to have more grace with myself. Go on. Yeah. And I just want to read what I wrote on my notepad. Like just having... feeling grateful for Isambulo from the past Monday of the 13th of March. So I said, I feel like screaming right now. There's a burn in between my ribcages. And I feel a burn on my shoulders and waist. I feel a strong connection to my ancestors. Because I'm now connecting to the higher power that they connected with. I feel a strong connection to my ancestors. Because I'm now connecting to the higher power that they connected with. I feel a strong connection to my ancestors. Because I'm now connecting to the higher power that they connected with. What an honor and a privilege. What an honor and a privilege. I get to see you in human form. I get to see you in human form. I get to see you in human form. I get to be taught by an angel. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. 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