FirstJournalEntry

The speaker introduces herself as Tiffany and explains that she enjoys speaking softly, even though she tends to mumble. She plans to bring awareness to herself through her YouTube channel, starting by reading entries from her journal. She wants to share her experiences, including her struggles with self-harm. Tiffany emphasizes the importance of creating a safe and understanding community. She shares her first journal entry from July 2012, expressing her mental state at the time and her desire for companionship and love. She encourages others to seek help and reminds them that life gets better. She concludes by urging listeners to stay safe and offering a helpline number for assistance. Hello everyone, and welcome to my YouTube channel. My name is Tiffany, and my favorite thing to do is be soft spoken. It's my favorite pastime that most of the time people are like, Can you repeat what you said? Because I say it in my head, and I'm loud as fuck. But when I say it out loud, I tend to mumble. So, if at any point you think I'm mumbling, make sure you put it down in the comments, and I will do my best to correct it the next time. I will go from whispering to soft spoken simply because that's how I talk to people sometimes. What I plan to do with this channel is bring awareness to literally me. If you have arrived here and you're like, What in the world is this girl talking about? It's okay. I'm sure if you stick around, I will say something or do something that will have you say, Oh, okay. She's crazy. And I'm okay with that. So, first things first, at the beginning of this YouTube channel, I will be reading a journal from 2012. That's when I started the journal. The first entry is July 2012, and the last entry in this journal is October 2018. I want to read this simply because I was like, Oh, I want to write all these journals and leave them to my children. It was giving great anatomy and like, Girl, what the fuck are you talking about? But there's some really good entries in here, and giving insight to myself at that time to others is important because I talk about, you know, like hurting my, harming myself, and that's not good. Let's scratch out the last 30 seconds. In this journal, I talk about myself and my feelings at the time. And today, today is April 2024, and I am so happy to be here. I'm so happy about just being alive. I have yet to understand why I said the things that I said in this journal. Scratch that. We are going to take out the last 15 seconds. We are going to take out the last 15 seconds. I want to read this journal simply because I was talking about some crazy stuff. I was in a place of healing. I even have a name for my journal, for this journal anyway. Once I finish with this journal, I will continue and read other inserts of other journals if they would like me to. I want it to be a place of healing and a place of understanding because I grew up in a time where not everybody was open and honest about the things that they liked and the things that they did. I assure you that there is nothing in my journal that is graphic or harmful to your nature. I'm going to read it in the same soft-spoken voice, and if you decide to send me an entry from your journal, I will read it in the same manner. But I assure you that it's safe here in my community, and I will continue to make it safe. Don't you come in here talking about you've never done this and done that. Nobody cares. Sarah, if you can't go in the comments and resonate, then you need to leave. Don't go in the comments talking to people all crazy because you will get reported. Understand? My name is Tiffany, and this is the first entry of my journal. The name of my journal is A Strange Mother's Daughter. I'll say it one more time for the people in the back. The title of my diary is A Strange Mother's Daughter. First entry. July 25, 2012. It's 4.38 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon. The weather is sunny and about 80 to 84 degrees. I am sitting on the back porch of my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend's house, drinking a glass of Chardonnay. Obviously, writing this journal. The reason I am doing this is because I thought it would be good for my mental state at this time. My life is, how you say, in the shitter right now. Why? Because the universe hates me. The universe has sucked me dry, and now I feel I am nothing. So instead of running myself off a bridge, and again, I was in a state of mind where I was going to do things, but I didn't. I wrote them down, I talked them out, and I went about my day. It's 2024 from 2012. That's what? Ten years. Is that ten years? No? Yes. I don't know. I don't know anything about math. Put it down in the comments how many years that is. Thanks, guys. Anyways, we're continuing. So instead of running myself off a bridge, I thought I might write down my thoughts and work on making things easier to deal with. Which is easier said than done, because crying is usually the solution to all my problems. I never, I never used to cry. I never used to cry. I used to be like, crying is for the weak. Bitch, you're weak. The fuck are you even saying? I'm going to continue. And I'm not saying, bitch, you're weak. I'm saying, bitch, I would like grow. Reading this right now. You're weak little ducklings. Ducklings. Continuing. Crying is usually the solution to all my problems. But lately, it only makes me want to shake myself in the head even more. I hope that by the time someone reads this, I'm dead. Or it's being made into a movie. Or a book. Or you could just be being nosy. And I hope whoever read this before I'm reading it now, gets a swift kick in the ass for reading this. But it probably helped them at the time, so. Not too many hard feelings. Either way, I hope that my journals, someday, help whoever's reading, understand me in all my glory. Because in my 27 years of living, I have not found a single soul to give me the warmth and love I yearn for. I still haven't found it, but that's okay. I still haven't found it, but that's okay. Life isn't over. Continuing. I mean, I have two beautiful kids. At the time, I had two. I have three now. We'll get to that later. I... Continuing. I mean, I have two beautiful kids. Harmony and Zion. Who I love and adore, no matter their phones. And I believe I said that they were babies. Like, literally, not older than fucking 10. Excuse my language. Like, literally, not older than fucking 10. Excuse my language. Psych. And I think I said that because if they got older, or not if, when they got older, if they had anything that they were feeling embarrassed about. Like, for instance, wanted to be a girl or a boy. Vice versa. That's not a fault, but I was going to love them unconditionally. And I still do. And I will, into the day, at least. Beautiful planet. Continuing. But what I want is a companion, a lover. And let's grow old, and soon rocking chairs on the porch kind of love. I'm going to repeat that. I think my headphones hit the microphone. Repeating from here. But what I want is a companion, a lover. And let's grow old, and soon rocking chairs on the porch kind of love. Do you get the point? Do you get the point? Well, if you didn't, I am a person of passion. Not lust. Look it up. Passion, to me, is something that lasts forever. And in everything, whether it be laughter, your job, your hobby, sex, your person, anything. I personally have a passion for life, and a passion for the person that I can love to the end of time. Love is the cause of my existence. The end. That's my first journal entry. I talked about love. I talked about distress. I talked about depression. I literally talked about unaliving myself multiple times. And I'm still here. Don't let a momentary lapse of life change who you are and where you are today. Continue to strive and work for more. I'm going to say that one more time in a louder voice for those who are in the back. I don't know what your life is like. But I do know that leaving the way that you want to leave is not the way you want to go. There's somebody, there is somebody who's depending on you. There's somebody who loves you and values you. You might not think so. You might feel alone and in distress. But I assure you, that's not the case. There's so many people out there. You haven't even begun to live life yet. Keep going. Keep going. If it's hard, seek help. A friend, a teacher, a therapist. And if you don't know what any of these things are, call 911. They will get you in the right direction every time. Okay? Just please, I beg you, stick around. I promise it gets better. It gets so much easier. I wrote this journal entry, first journal entry, in 2012. It's 2024. And again, I'm not good with math, okay? I don't know, it's been a long time. It's been a very long time. And I'm still here. My harmony and my Zion are thriving. I even have a third, Zachary. But, I still haven't found my love. And that does not mean anything to me at this time. Now, if I end up 60 years old without it, I'm probably just going to live my life on the porch by myself. Waiting for my grandchildren to visit me. And even so, I'm going to end it here because I'm very hungry. And I hope you guys enjoyed. And I hope you come back for the next entry. Until then... We are going to start from here. Until then, stay safe my friends. And if you again need any help, 988 is the number to call. Love, and prosperity.