Overcoming my unknown

The speaker discusses their difficult transition from living in a house to living in a van. They reassures their friend that they too can find a better living situation after dealing with a difficult person. They explain the benefits of living in a van, such as low expenses and the ability to be off the grid. They also mention their anxiety about moving the van for a safety check, but have found a solution with traffic cones. The speaker expresses their desire to be disconnected from the system and live on their own terms. They reflect on the challenges they faced in obtaining the van and the impact of the pandemic. They are grateful for their current lifestyle, where they have freedom and enough income to sustain themselves. The speaker wants to encourage their friend to find peace and happiness in their own life, and not to worry about the future. Even though I had lived in a van before, the idea of moving from somewhere that I wasn't happy being into the van, into a new van, was incredibly difficult for me. It was almost as if there was such an element of unknown that had I given in to the fear, I would have easily just curled up in the corner of my room and accepted my fate. But I knew I couldn't continue to live like that. I couldn't continue to live unhappily. Now, with your situation with Frank, you've kind of lived sort of unhappily. Not entirely. I hear you when you say that, you know, even though things are difficult, you have enjoyed having company, having someone to do things with. It wasn't so bad at the beginning, you went places, you did things. It was okay, but certainly of late, it isn't pleasant to be in a situation where you experience being talked to, being picked on, being patronised, condescended, and so on. It isn't nice and you shouldn't have to live like that. But there wasn't anything you could do to change it. You just had to accept it. If you like, Frank was your version of a petty tyrant, and even though things have been hard, you've learned slowly to deal with him. You don't realise how much you've changed as a result. That would probably have been the point of it. So that when he goes, which, from what you've said, seems to be getting closer and closer, you will then be free to make choices that you couldn't have made before. All right, I know that you would prefer to have things in place so that when he does go, you can simply step out of one life situation into an assisted new one, where there's help ready. But don't worry, it's not going to be a difficult process for you to find what it is you feel you need, and you'll have the resources to make whatever choice you need to make. That should give you a sense of ease. But you shouldn't have to worry, you don't have to worry. And it might turn out that there are other choices, other opportunities that come about as a result of the change that you haven't really thought about, that actually you might choose and be in a position to, had you not actually been able to secure an idea of what will happen the moment Frank's no longer around. I knew that things were changing here, probably the same in the States and everywhere else. The price of energy, the cost of living, the rent of places, it all was going up. And I knew that if I was going to live the way that I imagined I could live, away from the system, off the grid, not subject to rental increase, not subject to taxes and rates and bills, the only option I could make was a van. I did look at the idea of a boat, briefly, a narrow boat that can go on a canal, it doesn't have to move, it can, but it doesn't have to, people live in them. I liked the idea of that, but mooring fees, two or three thousand pounds a year, just seemed ridiculous. The van, even though it is sometimes challenging, can be lived in for a whole year for the price of one month's rental of a small, single bedroom flat, alright, a little less if it's just a room in a shared house, but I couldn't live in a room in a shared house again. There would be no bills, there would be some expenses, but no bills, and I'm off grid, electricity from the sun, heat from the sun, sometimes it's really warm in here, even when it's freezing outside, sometimes it's cold in here, and I have some options, I can get my heat from the library if I want, or I can even generate it myself, even though I don't do that very often. The point is that it's all my choice, it's all up to me, and I can take advantage of essentially the solitary, isolated nature of this life without, where I can literally let go of the world. I haven't for the last three months used any plant medicine to assist me in that, but I suspect that I may use it again after the next week, once I've had my annual safety check test done at the local garage, and I won't have to do that again for a year. I feel a certain anxiety about having to leave, and I've already made my appointment, it should only take about an hour to do the check, there's nothing wrong with the van, so I don't envisage any issues, and then I'll come back. I've got myself some cones, I've picked up, found, requisitioned a couple of traffic cones to put in my spot, hopefully everyone will respect the cone, and when I come back I'll be able to park straight back in it without having to go through the palaver of waiting until the end of the day and hoping that who's ever in the spot when I return leaves soon. I can't guarantee that this will work, but it should. People are quite respectful around here, cones are often put out when a working vehicle is needed or something has to be done that the space is required, and that's what I'm going to be making it look like. So that relieves me of some of the anxiety about this whole process, and there has been anxiety, just because I'd rather not do it, I have to do it, I know, but I'd rather not do it, it's like I'm still beholden to the system. Now the annual yearly tax that all vehicles have to pay, I do that online, the insurance that's done by phone, or online, in fact it will automatically renew this year, and I'll see what that is and decide if I'm going to keep this particular company for next year, but all of that is simple, it's the fact that I have to move the van and I'm not going to be servicing it for another year because it's hardly done any mileage since the last service. I just want to not have to be connected, and I will get to have that experience hopefully, soon, but I realise that I've been living in this van now for nine months, ten months, and it is normal, yes the weather can be challenging but I've dealt with it, and it's warming up, it's lighter in the morning now, sometimes I come back to the van early afternoon and if the sun's been out it's 68, 70 degrees in here, sometimes 72, very, very comfortable, plenty of electricity, I have everything I need, I don't want for anything, even though it wasn't easy to make this shift, I knew I had to do it, you may remember the things I've said at the time, I struggled a lot, I could have done with some help, a friend, a buddy to come with me, to support me, might have helped a lot, I had to do it all myself, but I still ended up doing it, and it couldn't be the lifestyle, well perhaps the van, how I live in the van, the kind of van, could have been different, the idea of living in this van like this, in a small space like this, just me, is exactly what I needed, I knew it, I sort of knew it, I always knew it, but the challenge of getting it was compounded by everything being locked down and closed and all of that pandemic issues that didn't need to happen, none of that needed to be, closing everything, locking everything down, it was a terrible decision by governments, without getting into possible conspiracy theories or just plain incompetence and ridiculous reactions, ridiculous to impose this on people, but that's what they did, and yet still able to get that van, no vehicle to go see it, had to find a dealer that I could actually get to and feel comfortable doing it, and this as you may remember was as comfortable as it could have been, it just took a long time and I gave up several times, I just accepted I can't do this, I might want it, I might think this is the answer, but I can't do it, so just get on with what you can do and make the best of it, and for a while that sort of sufficed and I just made the best of things, but it kept gnawing at me, I have a life here, I earn a little bit of money, I'm involved with people that I like to be around and sometimes see them regularly and sometimes not, I don't feel alone in a lonely way, I don't often feel alone at all, I just am, I just do, the library, I can be in there for hours and hours and hours and sometimes hardly ever see another person, it's a peaceful place, it suits me, it's a little office for me with everything I need in it, I'm really lucky to live in this way, to have found something that represents how I would live, I don't need more work, I don't need more money, I do earn as a carer, I do earn as a graphic designer and that's enough, if I want free meals and breakfasts and lunches I can get them, all I have to do is turn up at the times available as you know, I don't go that often anymore, I make my own food or I pick up things that are reduced at the end of the day and enjoy unexpected treats, so why am I making this recording, I had a particular reason to do so and it reflects and relates to you, trying to just allay some of the fear that you have, it's not that we need to talk too much about the death idea, I don't think that, I don't think we really can, it's not so much that, it's if you're at the death of the life you currently live, for what will become the life you will live that will be comfortable and supporting and you will find peace, you may find friendship, you may find happiness, joy, fun or just peace and quiet where you can just do your own thing because you have it set up just how you want it, the money that is no longer in francs sorts that out for you, that's your gift, that's your, your, the result of your test, so not have to think about that, the reason that you are where you are is because of money, because you couldn't afford to have your own place, you needed the situation that you have and there was benefit, there were things that you've got to experience and learn that you wouldn't have otherwise, you don't have to worry about the death thing, I think that when that's coming for you, you will gain insight into the process in a way that will make sense to you, you'll remember, experiences, connections will happen, perhaps at night in your wanderings and travellings and dreams, don't worry about any of that, your job is just to be in the present and find, which is what you already do as best you can, the things you like to do, love to do and do them, animals and plants and so on and you'll do more of that when you don't have francs to deal with, right now you're a part of the process of his dissolution, of his death, of his passing and it's going to be a challenge I'm sure, it's not that you despise the man, it's that his issues really affect you and it will be better when they don't, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a connection to him, an attachment to him, that you've been with him for some time as a couple, even if it's not romantic or physical, you're still a couple and therefore there will be a loss for whatever loss feeling you get from it, but that's just because everything changes and change it can be difficult to deal with because it's so disruptive, even my little situation of having to move my van to the garage so that it can have its test and then bring it back has required me to feel affected by something that for the vast majority of people is trivial and just something they do, but that's because my life is a certain way and this creates an issue temporarily and the issue will be gone the moment it's finished, the same goes for your living situation, yes I can understand that it will be or can feel like it will be traumatic, but remember you'll be dealing with it one step at a time, one moment at a time, this, then that, then this, then that and before you know it, it will all take place, it will all happen in the order that it's supposed to and it will just occur, you'll know what to do when you need to do it, you'll understand what's needed and make plans and take action as required, you don't have to try to contain it all within your consciousness now because it's not all required now, so the more present you can be, the more you can just flow day by day by day, even hour by hour perhaps as things really begin to change, it will still all make sense, you will still make the decisions you need to make without having to feel the stress and anxiety of knowing you're going to have to make all these decisions, sometimes people say, oh I've got a million things to do and it feels so heavy that it's hard for them sometimes to even do the first one, but they haven't got a million things to do, they may have a number of things to do but not a million things so by saying a million things they make it harder for themselves, I've got loads of things to do, okay so let's do this first and everything I do means that there's one less thing to do and anything I don't manage to do I don't need to do, at least not today, I can only do what I can do in the order I can do them and if I can do it without feeling affected by all the things I have to do then the things I need to do just get done, that makes more sense, but people do that to themselves all the time, they self-sabotage often unconsciously just by how they perceive, how they think, their definitions, their beliefs interfere with them constantly, they don't realise that they created them, they've allowed them to be, they can change them, but I'm not some guru spouting wisdom as if somehow I've got it all figured out, I haven't, I very rarely talk like this, I think I would only do it with you, but I would rarely talk like this because I don't know how other people live, I don't know what it feels like to live their life so it's not for me to decide anything about what other people do as if somehow I know anything, yes there may be certain similarities in the way that humans do things but nevertheless how we do things can be very individual and affected by things that other people from the outside can't know about, if I start to decide oh I know what you should do next, I know how it should go or what should happen then I'm essentially going up my own arse, I don't want to do that, so I have to be careful not to think that I've got wisdom to impart that somehow without it you're lacking, you're missing something and with it you've now got more, I believe that you're on some level are aware of everything, if anything I say might resonate with you at all it's only because you already know it, if it doesn't resonate with you it isn't something you need, simple as that, I think you are perfectly capable of dealing with everything that comes your way, you just don't realise it yet because you haven't been tested by it but you're different to the Susan who was 5, 6, 7, 8 years ago whatever it was, whenever your parents went, when your mother went, that feeling of uncertainty and insecurity and vulnerability was a difficult thing to deal with but you're not her anymore and when it's time for you to step up as Susan that you are now, hopefully you'll see that you're more capable than you realise, you will have everything you need to deal with whatever you need to deal with and in a way that makes perfect sense to you, you can just hold that idea, just imagine what does that feel like to know that you can do whatever you need to do whenever you need to do it in the way that you need to do it, you can ask for the help that you might need from anywhere that you need to ask and you'll know where to go for that or you'll be directed to where it's most appropriate, all you have to do is open to it, it will come to you at the right timing, not a moment too soon, not a moment too late, you can just accept that, just allow that to happen, just open to that as a possibility and let it show itself to you but it won't do that now because you don't need all that now and if you worry about what that will be, that's the only thing that can interfere with it all arriving at its proper timing because that worry gets in the way, it stops you from seeing things, it stops you being aware of things, so it doesn't serve you and all of that worry just comes out of fear which is based on something you believe about the future, you can stop doing that, you can simply let it go, you don't have to replace it with something else, although something else could arise, but you just have to let it go, you just have to say I don't need to believe this, I don't have to think those thoughts continuously because they don't make me feel good, they make me worried, they make me scared, they make me anxious and when you're in a state that's stressed, you don't think well, can't see things, make mistakes, miss obvious, I know, I do it, but if I am able to be calm and present and I allow what is to be, I allow that this is what is happening and just accept it and one step at a time, I find that I'm able to do what I need to do, like the van acquisition, I was able to do what I needed to do, I often stopped and wondered how am I doing this because all of this stuff is so not what I want to do and yet somehow I'm still doing it and I kept doing it and I kept doing it and I kept doing it and then I've got a van. So sometimes it helps to talk about your fear, I know you mention it now and again, this is what you experience, but you only usually say a few things, maybe that's enough, maybe there isn't any more that you need to say. I would say that if there was a way for you to speak it, to record your fear, to record your thoughts, your anxieties, if you feel that would help by getting them out, by voicing them, it actually can be really helpful to hear yourself speak them, listen back to it and see how it makes you feel when you do. You don't have to share it with me, unless you wanted to, but it actually could be very important to hear those things said to yourself without censor and then listen back in an open hearted way because you know whatever you're saying you can completely trust so you can listen in a very open state without worrying that there will be something that will trouble you, it's just you talking to you. I would recommend it, have a go if you've not done it, it's amazing what can come from it. As you know I do a lot of talking and it's something that has helped me tremendously. I think I would do it even if there wasn't anyone listening and there's been many times, years of talking where there hasn't been anyone listening, just me and that's been enough and actually sometimes having someone else listen doesn't always work, it can actually interfere. It doesn't with you, it feels different with you, so I'm very glad to have you as my friend, but I'd still do this even if I wasn't talking to you. I would just talk out loud and know that I would be able to listen to it myself in a state of very still receptivity and that is a very good state to be in, it's very relaxing, very peaceful, very meditative and present and that's just all that it's about, being at peace in the present, knowing that whatever's happening is just what's happening and none of it really matters, none of it.