the importance of speaking plainly

The speaker reflects on how they used to rely on sarcasm and irony in their communication, but now they prefer speaking plainly and straightforwardly. They realized that people expected them to be ironic and it led to misunderstandings. The speaker started practicing speaking honestly after becoming a parent and wanting to be understood. They value plain talk and being able to connect with others through speaking the truth. They no longer feel the need to fit in or be seen a certain way, and they appreciate when others speak honestly as well. The speaker believes that reality and depth are found in truthful communication. Overall, they have shifted from relying on irony to embracing plain talk and honesty. for a large part of my life, and it's almost hard for me to remember him, but I know that I was like this. I didn't speak plainly most of the time. Sarcasm and irony were my word fellows. I enjoyed it. I liked playing. I still do, I suppose. I like playing with words. And there are moments when, with the right person, not that there are many, banter can occur, and it's okay between those people because we all get it. But there aren't many people that I can play like that with. And the reality is, it doesn't really occur to me, there's no real desire to do so anymore, really, because the fact is that plain talk, just saying it as it is, seems to make much more sense than anything else. The reality of irony is that, essentially, you say something you don't believe, but you just do it in a way that actually creates a smile. People don't really realise the effect, at least I didn't, for ages, that when you speak like that, the people around you expect you to speak like that. So, if you're not speaking like that, if you just speak occasionally and plain, they're looking for the irony, they're looking for the sarcasm, they expect it. So, now I've got a problem. I'm actually wanting to just tell the truth, speak straight, but they've got that little twinkle in their eye as they're thinking that what they're hearing isn't true. It's irony and they've got to step up in order to understand it. And I realised this wasn't good. And it came to a head in America, of all places, because generally the Americans that I came across that didn't really do irony, that they just took everything that I said as plain talk. And if I wasn't speaking plainly, then I was deceiving them. I realised it. Oh, you think I mean this? No, I can't talk like this. I need people to take what I say. Here's me sort of being very clear about wanting to express myself well, wanting people to understand what it is I'm trying to say, while at the same time saying things I don't believe. So I started to practice not doing that, just saying it as it is, saying what I think, although that's always been a lot harder for me in some ways, in the moment at least, in a verbal way, because I'm not always sure what I do think, or what I feel being expressed as thoughts in the moment. I'm not always sure. Whereas sort of being playful, being ironic, bantering, which I suppose is a kind of character trait, or a personality structure, playing a part, seemed easier. Like some actors have said many times that they're much more comfortable up on stage, playing the part of the character that they're playing, than being themselves. They don't like giving interviews. They're just not comfortable as themselves. But once they're into the character, once they've taken on the mannerisms, and they're wearing the clothes, and they've got the makeup on, they're much more comfortable. I understand that. So to switch from playing a part to being myself, speaking, playing talk, was not as easy as I thought it would be, because I also realized that one of the reasons that I didn't was that I was then more keen to be fitting in, to be accepted, and so I wanted to appear to be somebody who was acceptable. But if I made people laugh, then they'd want to have me around, and that would make me feel accepted and included, and I needed that. Now, years later, of rarely not speaking plainly, 99% speaking plainly, little moments of banter that, and with Kay, I suppose, yeah, yeah, it's very, I think I still have it. It can still come out just for a moment, but unlike before, where it would be there all the time, it seems a much, it seems perfectly fine, because those that I'm around know when I say something, I'm explaining what I mean. I'm just saying it as I see it. I'm telling them the truth, or the best truth I know, what I feel I know about something. I am less inclined to excessive verbosity. I have slowed down as a result of not playing around. I suppose it, I suppose you could say it started when I became a dad, when my daughter was old enough to ask questions about the world. Whenever she would ask a question, I would want to answer Whenever she would ask a question, I would want to answer her well, straight, honestly, have her understand. Whereas before that, if somebody asked me a question, I might always want to look for using it as material to create something funny, to say something, some witty, clever, smart-arse response. Just because I like the way it felt to achieve, to do so, to actually make people laugh. I've always liked that, without their need for the attention that I suppose makes certain people become stand-up comedians, for example, because what they may very well be looking for is that adulation, the attention, the whatever they feel comes from making large groups of people laugh, and they want to do it again and again. It must be very addictive. I don't need to do that. I just, if I like somebody, if I get on with somebody, I like to make them laugh in a subtle way, and I suppose I still do. I just do it in a much more subtle way, so that it doesn't interfere with plain talk. It's part of the plain talk. It's hard to explain it really. I just maybe use my observation in the moment, but I'm not being ironic. I don't do sarcasm really at all anymore. I didn't like the sarcastic Simon, but I'm not being ironic by default, which is how I used to be. If I'm around somebody who doesn't speak plainly, who you never know what they mean, so you have to sort of be on your guard, as it were, to try to, you know, to be aware of, do they mean what they say, or are they just being ironic? There's a lot of work involved in that. It's quite challenging, but it's much more peaceful to just be able to listen, to hear what's being said, and take it at face value, and then respond accordingly, and not have to work out whether I've misinterpreted, because I thought it was this, and it wasn't this, or it wasn't this, then it should have been. I just want to be straight. Well, I'm around people who speak straight. If I'm not around many people, then I speak straight to them, but it doesn't mean that we still can't have a little smile about something, but plain talk is extremely important. It keeps me in a simple state, that my brain isn't processing the experience to alter it, ironically, to adjust it. It's just being simple, and maybe on some level it's more boring. It certainly would be to those from my past who probably wouldn't have accepted me without it, but I'm not trying to be accepted today. I don't need to fit in. I just like being around those I like being around, and that's it. Anybody else, I just don't even make an effort. I don't care what they think. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I wouldn't do something of kindness for a stranger, but it doesn't matter. I'm not looking to be thought of a certain way. I'm not looking to be seen as a certain kind of person. I'm not looking to have any character deficit covered over with playfulness, which I think all of those things were going on. It may be what encouraged me to be ironic. Ironic can hide behind words. Don't have to be clear, because it's easier to play than it is to actually speak from the heart, when the reality for me is that speaking from the heart, speaking the truth is heard a certain way, and that is very connecting in a way that I had no idea it would be in the past. Of course it would be better. Of course it makes sense. Somebody else might know me because they're actually getting to see me, rather than having to interpret who they thought I was, and I couldn't understand why people were getting it wrong. Well, it makes perfect sense. I was giving them the wrong idea. Why wouldn't they get it wrong? Why would they get it right? For somebody who claimed to want to be understood, I wasn't going about it the right way, was I? So, yeah, plain talk, just saying things. This is what's happening. This is what I've experienced. You take it as you find it. Take it or leave it. For some people who can't do plain talk, and I do come across those people from time to time. It's so obvious, and I just keep a wide berth, essentially. I just let them do their whatever it is, but I don't care. I don't even want to engage. I don't have to show them that my banter is better than their banter. I don't need to be admired, thought of as clever or witty or sharp or fast. Oh, you're so quick, people would say to me sometimes. Yeah, that's true. Sometimes my mind works very fast. I seem to know what I think before I have any idea what that might be, and out of my mouth it's coming. But it's almost not me. I'm catching up with what it is I've said. Oh, that's how I am now. Oh, that's how they'll see me from this point forward. Oh, I'm not sure I wanted that. Oh, well. That's happened many times. Patterns of behavior that just sort of take over, like muscle memory, just doing it whether I like it or not. That doesn't seem very conscious to me. So the process of becoming someone who just speaks plainly and can tell the truth, and can tell the truth even to a stranger, just to be honest about something. I think it's refreshing. I always like it if somebody does that to me. That doesn't mean I want someone to be constantly talking to me about every facet of their life situation. I'd rather that we didn't do that. But when there is something to say, that they just speak the truth. But if depth is required, depth is what comes out. And for me, depth is where reality lies. It's not on the surface, even though it looks like it is. It gives the impression that it's real. The reality is in the depth, in the gaps, in the cracks underneath, in the darker areas where it's not so easy to see. That's where reality lies. That's where I prefer to be. And if I can be there and be comfortable, and it not have to be only my very best friend who I can reveal the very deepest truth to. If I can, if I'm able to reveal it to anybody who recognizes that that's what I'm doing, and be comfortable, then I'm where I need to be. Just me.