Not really listening

The speaker discusses their tendency to talk too much and how it can cause others to shut down and stop listening. They reflect on their frustration and the difficulty of being themselves in those moments. They also mention how criticism and interference from others can affect their confidence and free flow of expression. The speaker shares their past experiences of being sensitive and crying easily, and how they have learned to hide their vulnerability to avoid being seen as childish or immature. They mention the importance of giving to others and not intentionally taking advantage of someone's weakness. They discuss the power of not caring what others think while still respecting differing opinions. The speaker reflects on their sensitivity and vulnerability, and their desire to not be constantly guarded. They mention being in a peaceful environment and using plant medicine to enhance their self-reflection. I get this feeling, or I sometimes get this feeling, when I'm around someone, if I'm saying too much, that I'm losing them, too many words, I'm expecting them to focus in on something that they just can't do and I don't fully appreciate that because I don't live in a world where I've got so many things that I have to do even just having something to do can weigh on me because it's such a contrast to what I normally do which is nothing or whatever I spontaneously want to do in this moment, for the most part I can so if I start saying many words to somebody who suddenly feels that's a bit too much they shut down and I notice it and it actually stops me from, it does it's job because it's like they were earthing me by listening, they're not listening now and it's bouncing back and I'm not comfortable and so I stop and that's fine, no one should have to listen to anything I say if they don't want to but because I can't actually be myself in that moment and express myself like this for example then I experience frustration and I allow that to happen because like I said no one has to hear what I have to say unless they want to so it's like a strange feedback loop, it interferes with my feeling that I can talk about anything, say anything in any way that I want, I used to have experiences where I would be telling somebody a story about my experience and I would do the voice of somebody or the mannerism and that might change so I kind of, I'm doing a bit, it's a little bit like an internal stand up and somebody tells me to shh don't or stop don't speak so loud, they actually get offended by me, by it, how it's touching them to the point where they think they have the right to make themselves more comfortable by interfering with who I am in this moment even though that thing that's making them uncomfortable is going to stop almost instantly because it's just a moment of expression, they still have to say something to interfere with it, they can't just recognise oh that makes me feel uncomfortable but it's already over so I'm listening, no they've got to interfere I've had that happen so many times that it actually interferes with me feeling like I can be with those people but if somebody does that to me and this could be ego of course, if somebody does that to me but if they do it to me it affects me, it knocks my confidence, it removes my free flow I have to be cautious, takes me back to school days when if I was doing something like that I would could easily call down the bully and be picked on and be messed with by people who constantly pulled me down to their level and could do so physically where they knew I would not react physically, I only use words and they can't match me there so having had those experiences a lot as a kid I think the effect of it still exists in some way and so unexpectedly someone can criticise me, say something, interfere with me in that moment and it affects me they show that they have power, they think they have power over me and exert it I've done it myself, I've been guilty of it myself and it affected that person really strongly and they had to say something to me, you know, I can't accept you speaking like that telling me to stop she was excited and exuberant and I said, you know, calm down and it really affected her, like I had the right to say how she should express herself in this moment and she made me realise how much I didn't have that right and she was right but when I do that I'm still wrong, I can do it but there'll be a price to pay, see there wasn't a price to pay when she did it because she was right so it made me realise, OK, yes, I will never do that to her again, whereas other people if I do that with them they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I've hurt them now, I've offended them by telling them my truth I learnt a long time ago, just keep it to myself, I don't need to tell people these things, I'll deal with it, they've hurt me, well fine, I just won't see them anymore, I won't, I don't, I will close down, I will shut away, I'll walk away, I'll go somewhere else, I don't need them not realising that actually if I revealed how I felt and we sort of talked it out, maybe they didn't realise, oh I'm so sorry, then the connection's stronger, instead I give it up and let it go, I decide well there's no value in it then, if that's how it means to be with this person then I won't be, so I'll be alone when in fact I might not have to be, if I had just spoken up, people I'm around are generally, they're good and kind people and they're wanting to be, they don't want to hurt anyone, they don't want to do anything that makes somebody upset so if I get upset but don't show that I'm upset, they don't have any reason to assume they upset me, therefore they can continue to behave the same way in their own freedom, not realising that they're affecting mine and that they might want to modify their behaviour if they knew because they care but they don't know I don't tell them, I don't show it, I don't know how except when I was a kid I'd cry, I used to cry very easily, somebody would do something, say something, it would affect me, I would cry, I was very sensitive, I would receive, stop crying, what are you crying for, boys don't cry, or alright, alright, it's enough, don't cry nobody would really accept that crying as valid, just comfort me, it's alright, don't worry, but don't stop it, I'm not trying to stop it, the people around me would stop it and it was easier to just cry sometimes than have to explain why, why are you crying, yes but explaining why I'm crying is not the same as feeling affected at this moment, maybe I can explain it later but they want explanation now, I can't give it, so if I don't cry, no one needs an explanation, so there's all of this stuff that I still deal with from younger days now I don't feel that I feel like crying as an adult now, I'm not crying and holding it back, I don't cry, I'm not affected or upset by things that I might have been as a kid but I feel like sometimes the fact that I'm affected by something is almost childish or unreasonable and to reveal it would indicate that and I'd rather not be seen as childish, immature because actually it is so I'd rather not be seen that way if I can help it, which means that I hide some of who I am, I hide what I feel, I do it spontaneously, it's not a conscious decision, it's just what I do again, when you reveal vulnerability in a situation where people can take advantage of it, they do, and that further removes confidence because they gain confidence and everybody's trying to raise themselves up from where they are, they want to be more than they are, that's normal, that's what we do but sometimes we do it by stepping on other people, we just can't help it, especially if somebody gives them the opportunity really easily, other people will take it, some people use fear and other people use certain other techniques and they need to do it but if somebody, if it's given to them almost, handed to them on a plate, they'll just take it because they know they're getting free points it's only the few that won't take advantage of somebody's weakness, I've been guilty of taking advantage of somebody's weakness, I don't want to do that, I don't like it, I rarely do it now almost never, would never intentionally want to take advantage of somebody's weakness that puts them down, I would never do anything that would put somebody down intentionally, to add my benefit so that I might rise up, so that's not good, that's only the ego that's expanding and that will still have to be released at some point, so why make it bigger? I still believe in trying to give to others what I would wish to receive myself and that's a good adage to go by, it's not balanced, it's far from it but that's just the way it is, just because I don't receive it doesn't mean I shouldn't practice giving it and in not receiving it, not be hurt by it, not expect anything from it so that I would be hurt by it, because getting hurt is again a kind of deferment of power that somebody has the ability to do or say something that hurts you which lowers your frequency when they shouldn't be able to do that, they can still affect you by what they do and say but not hurt you that maybe you can even laugh at it because it's so ridiculous and the things that can hurt me or once hurt me may not hurt me now, just oh right really, so what, I don't care what you think and that's important, so not care what someone thinks while at the same time wanting to respect that they might have a difference of opinion, they might see it differently if we're open to each other we might exchange the difference but just because somebody thinks something doesn't mean they're right now because I like being around people and I can be affected by what someone thinks or says or shows before I can do anything about it because I'm sensitive to it I can deal with it, I have processes and coping mechanisms if it gets in before I am able to process it at the time so that I don't have to be like a child, I don't have to be affected by what somebody does but sometimes I am, I can be caught out, just for a moment I'm open and vulnerable, something happens and I'm affected, I don't want to be somebody who has a protective mechanism around them 24-7 you know so that nothing can touch me, well great but then nothing can get out either and that's how I try to be so today being in my cell surrounded by inclement weather but warm and comfortable with everything I need I've been talking about things, I've been taking the opportunity to make recordings each time a thought has arrived I've indulged it rather than just watched something or read, it's quiet, it's peaceful, I'm not interrupted so I do it oh and I've also taken some plant medicine to assist that process if I hadn't I might not feel the need to speak about any of these things, they wouldn't come to the surface to be spoken to, I would just be watching things because I enjoy that and yet if I don't talk about this stuff then I'm not learning anything about myself and it's important that I learn things about myself, I don't just walk about thinking I've got it all figured out, that everything is perfect for me, look at me, look how easy it is for me, it ain't I'm only in this situation because of the choices I've made and the fact that I am alone for the vast majority of time is still a reflection on how other people see me I can't rely on, but could easily fall into doing so, the attention of the people that I actually do see, it would be too much because that's all there is, so if I'm going to do it I want to do it with them, if I'm going to go and eat with them, it's too much, I need more other people I don't have other people so there has to be periods of time where I don't see them and I don't try to because it would be too much, but generally with other people it's a natural organic thing where you can't see people too often because you're busy doing other things, when you don't have a busy doing other things life it's more challenging to maintain relationships and friendships any friendship relationship that comes into my being that's new, I've got all the time in the world to give to it, any time, yeah you want to do it, let's go, I can drop everything, I'll be around in two minutes, yeah I'll be ready, whereas other people can't do that and so if you can't do that it's almost like you're in a position of power because you don't need me in your life, you might want to have more of me but you're perfectly fine without me because you've got other things that you need to do, whereas if you're not in my life I've got nothing to do, I just return to my pottering state knowing that there is someone out there to whom I enjoy being and would want to be at any moment doing anything in any way for as long as they want to hang around, I've got tremendous stamina and can go for ages, I never say alright look I'm going to go, I've had enough of this or I've got to go because I never have to go, I've got to meet somebody, I don't have to meet anybody, I don't have a meeting or an appointment, I don't have to go so it's always left to them to decide when they've had enough, when they've got to go, which again puts them in power, they are in power over me, I'm okay with it, I don't feel like I am a slave but yet at the same time when they ask me to do, I'm there, would you like to come out, sure, want to go and do this, yeah, shall I come over, course you can and they know that, I don't know what that feels like because I've never experienced it where I just say, can I come over, yeah of course you can, knock knock knock, hello Simon come in, nice to see you or I'm thinking about going to the thing, do you want to come with me, sure, I don't know what that's like because people don't do that with me, I don't ask them because when I do ever do that I'm always declined so just don't bother, it's like why bother, I get so affected by being with someone anyway if they say oh yeah okay I'll come, I'm so aware of them and their needs and who they are, I'm so aware of that interaction that it's overwhelming, I sometimes have to shut down afterwards, there's so much information, so much comes to me, so much I see so much of who they are and what they are and what they've said and the questions I've asked so I've actually been able to focus in on something if it's interesting and pick up on this and pick up on that, so much has taken place that you know normally you would think you would need to spend loads of time with somebody and I can do it in one day it's so powerful that I can't really be myself, so when we go to the thing, I'm just focused on them, it's all about them now and the thing itself is irrelevant, want to go to this thing, sure, want to go to that thing, sure, it doesn't matter, it's the fact that I'm going to the thing with you, I'm going to do something with you, I'm having the experience with you, the experience with you changes the thing so if I'd just gone myself, it would feel completely different and even though there may be people there and I might have a conversation with them, I'm not, didn't come with them, don't have to leave with them, not connected to them, with you, that's it, I'm aware of you, I can't ignore you, I don't go off and get involved with somebody else as if you no longer exist, can't do any of that, it's difficult for me, for someone like me, for someone who's like that so can't do that very often, if I can't, just simply can't, life doesn't give me that experience because it knows I can't, I would avoid it if I imagined that that's what will happen, I know what I'm like it's easier to talk about it, if I can talk about it, than actually have to live with it because as like I said, talking about it actually helps me to let it go, to not have to repeat the same patterns, to not have to do the same things because I'm shining a light on something that if it's not good for me will go, I can, this is the first, this is the beginning of the process or maybe it's the end of the process of something that isn't working for me that's an old belief, habit, definition, whatever, pattern of behaviour that doesn't work for me but now can go so it no longer has any influence, that's the point, there's no point in putting things away that aren't right, that don't mean it, but just keeping them in a drawer over there, no I've got to get rid of them, if it's not something I need, get rid of it, so it no longer exists for me that's the lightening, that's where things start to lighten up, it no longer exists, it's not just over there where I have to keep thinking about it but I don't see it daily so it's like it doesn't exist, it mustn't actually exist, it's gone and anything like this that interferes with me being free needs to go, I need to be free and I am actually in a box, not around family, not hanging out, not sitting in a comfortable chair having a chat and a drink or watching a film, going out for food, going for a walk, I don't do any of that, I'm just alone talking about it it's sad, or let's say it could be, I don't feel sad, I think I've just accepted that this is what I do, this is what I do better without that so can I be free of the vast majority of people without loneliness coming in, without deciding I can't do it, I need people, I need her, I need him, I need to do this, I need to do that and then trying to make that happen and going back down that road where people without them, without their approval or acceptance, I am nothing and I'm not nothing, I am always something and yet people have a way of making me make it all about them and surely anybody who's never had it all about them would love the way it feels to have the attention I give, I can give, because I can be really present with somebody, nothing exists, nothing else matters but this moment, this is all there is so if this is all there is then you and me are all there is, therefore who else would I be focused on but if I do that, if you feel it, you may want more of it, you may like it very much, it's addictive and so I now become that person to you who gives you that and I can't want anything from it, I can't expect to get this from it as a result, to be invited, to experience, to touch, to taste, to go, to come, to stay, to live, I can't expect any of that as a result it has to be given unconditionally and I have to be completely okay in my living situation so that it can be, if I'm not, like I wasn't in the first van, I was always trying to get out of it in some way, then there's an agenda, I'm not sincere, I'm not real I'm manipulating, I'm controlling and I don't like who that makes me into, I might succeed or mostly I won't, I don't like who I become as a result I may always have that in me but if I don't use it, if I don't go with it, if I don't let that happen the vast majority of time then I'm not giving it energy so it quietens down, it's not loud, it's not the first thing that comes up and I can easily see it and not act on it I don't do that anymore, I don't want to get those things that way anymore and I might not actually want to get those things at all as a result because I only got those things as a result of doing it that way and those things actually mess with me so much that it would be better if I don't have them at all so the result is that I am free out of all of it Is it lonely? See it could be easily felt as lonely on this grey wet day, completely alone, just talking about things, doing my own thing, everyone else, anyone else is doing theirs, I'm not a part of it, I'm not thought about, I don't exist that might change tomorrow, I might exist again, someone might think about it, I might have, but in this moment which is all there is, I don't exist, I'm warm relatively, dry, comfortable relatively and in my own space I can come and go as I please, I could drive away and experience another reality that I can't imagine at all, nor can I actually, nor do I have any desire to drive away, even though I know I could It's a strange thing because if you know you can but then have no desire to do it, it's almost like you can't, just the same, I still don't drive away, whether I can or I can't, I don't I am far less freer with this van than I was in the first van where I did drive away here and there, I always came back but I always had, I always realised there was value in being elsewhere for a while, like a change is as good as a rest but I was struggling to be in the van and so I perhaps really needed it, I'm not struggling in the sense that I regret my decision so I don't have to get away from it in order to recover and come back and carry on So I don't need to go anywhere, I'm not a tourist, I don't need to see anything, I have no reason to visit anything, I don't even walk anywhere, I still haven't got to the woods, all the time since I've been back I haven't walked into the woods once, I've bought wellies, I haven't used them I still want to, I'm sure I will, but it's not straight forward, I would have to, I can't just put them on and walk into the woods, I would have to bring them with me, change into them, then change back out of them, they might be muddy, the bag must be a one time thing and then I can take them to the spring and wash them easily but that's fine but it's complicated isn't it, I can't just put a pair of shoes on and go and walk in the woods, the wellies are ok but they're not, they'll wear down if I walk on them in the road and then if I just walk on them, see my life is complicated, oh dear