Unable to reveal how I feel

The speaker realizes that they talk a lot because they struggle to be honest about how they feel. They have anxiety about receiving money and feel a heaviness until they are paid. They often don't speak up about unpaid invoices because they don't want to make a big deal out of it. They charge the same amount regardless of the work they do, but sometimes feel they are underselling themselves. They don't express their feelings or thoughts because they go through a period of procrastination and fear the consequences. They have difficulty identifying and expressing their emotions, which is called alexithymia. They talk to get their thoughts out, but don't always share it with others due to fear and vulnerability. They prefer to trust that the other person will do what they are supposed to do without clarification. They carry the weight of unfinished tasks and feel a sense of relief when they surrender and let things be. They want to be valued for their work but struggle to ask for it. They One of the things I've just realized about why I do all this talking is because I am on the whole not able to be honest about how I feel. So for instance, because I struggle with anxiety when I'm due to receive money or due to be paid and I can't really relax until I have been, like it's something, it's not the money itself, thank you, thank you very much and then I just put it in my pocket and forget about it, but because I haven't yet received it, it becomes a heavier weight than the actual amount of money. It's like I'm owed it, I'm supposed to get it, I need to stop thinking about it, so I can't yet and that's something that I have to do. But I don't say anything, I don't say listen, it's not important, I know it's a small thing and people are busy and you're busy and it's just something, but I put in an invoice and I wasn't paid, I didn't say anything because, well, it will get paid, I don't, I'm not in need of that money, it's only a small amount, I've already received the vast majority of it, it's just an extra bit, but it is a thing that exists, I didn't have to put it in, I didn't have to submit that invoice, I didn't have to decide that I was owed another two and a half hours, yes, I've done work and was entitled to be paid for it, but I'm deciding how much time I've used and I just decide, it's like I'm not being too anal about keeping track of exactly the amount, I'm just guessing, oh yeah, it's about a couple of hours. Sometimes I'm not charging a lot, people who do graphic design charge a lot for it, I'm charging very little, I charge the same amount whatever I do, so ElisaCare, same amount per hour, going to do graphic design, same amount per hour, I just, because it doesn't matter, it's like, oh no, this is more, it should be £15 an hour, not £12, but yet I do have thoughts like that and I don't talk about it, I don't discuss it, I might be said, is £12 alright for you to do this, yes, because it is, no, £15 is better, no maybe £18 actually, I need more, it just makes no sense to me, so I'm getting something and it's much simpler to just let that be the thing, so I agree, but there are times when I feel like actually I think I'm underselling myself, I think I should be paid a bit more, maybe I would feel better about myself if I was, that somehow I'm worth more, but then I don't want to feel better about myself because of money, so I don't want to make it about the money, but because I don't talk about these things, I have to talk about them here because otherwise they build up in me because they're not expressed, now why don't I do that because I don't just express it, there's a period of procrastination, it goes through the thinking process first, can I, should I, what does this mean, do I really mean this, do I really want this, what's the concept, there's, I don't just do it, I've never been able to do it ever since I was a kid, so this is a part of who I am, whatever the reason, it is how I do it, if I try to do it differently in a way that I think someone who doesn't struggle with this would do it, it doesn't work well, I'm extremely uncomfortable and I might achieve, I might get what I set out to do, but there will be a price that I might lose the friendship, the connection, I might, I won't feel good about it, like I've done something I didn't need to do and it's affected things and there's no going back, so I don't say anything, I just let it be and then, but I'm not being authentic, I'm not being real, I'm not revealing what's going on for me, sometimes I just don't know what it is I'm feeling until much later and that is, that's something called alexithymia, which I experienced and have always experienced, just didn't know it was called that until a few years ago. That's why I talk, but it isn't why I share, it's only why I talk, because the thing is it's almost like I have to get it out and in getting it out, listening to it back, recognising I have said it, that is what I mean, that is what I think, that is what I feel. I may have somebody who could listen to it, but I don't always necessarily send it, because the vulnerability, the feeling of the fear that could arise, that doing so, being dishonest suddenly, out of the blue, would just change things, that it wouldn't feel the same anymore and I'd regret it, because it's almost like, well, I might think, I might feel like this in this moment, because it makes sense and I'm getting it out, I'm releasing it, but that doesn't mean that I have to also make you understand, because actually, you might not and I've made it, I'll have made it seem more important than it is, because it won't be that important now, because I've expressed it. So sometimes when I'm listening to it back, I get halfway through, I say, ah, nah, done, I don't even want to listen anymore and there's nothing I'll do with it, I certainly won't send it directly to anybody, it doesn't need to be heard, it's done its job. If I could say something succinctly in the moment to avoid having to do all this, that would make more sense. Hello, are you paying me today? Or is it going, are you paying me cash? Or is it going through the books or, you know, just light, light-hearted thing or, oh, did you get my invoice? Nothing went into my account. Oh no, I haven't paid it yet, or, oh no, I forgot, sorry, and then it's all clear, it's all out in the open. Instead of, instead I just leave it. I let, I kind of want to trust, so I want to have, I want to let the other person do what it is that they are going to do, without confirming it or clarifying it, which is difficult. Why do I do that? Why would I prefer that than the, what seems to be at the time awkward, when in fact it doesn't have to be awkward to ask a question, to clarify something, and then leave no doubt, not be in a state of ambiguity. Will it happen? Won't it happen? It creates, it keeps that thought alive of something that still needs to be done, that is out of my control, but isn't finished until it is. So I'm heavier than I was. I've got to carry this thing around, or I have to let go, and then just allow whatever will be, which is why I'm up to some things like, if I get it, I get it, if I don't get it, I don't get it, it doesn't matter, and that's the result of not clarifying it, and then usually it will turn up, or the thing will happen anyway, which will make me feel good, because the lightness will still come from it. In fact, there might be a greater lightness, because I've actually surrendered. I haven't carried this weight around of, oh, I've still got, where is that, oh, oh, just let it be, doesn't matter, OK. I'm not doing, it's not a negative perspective, it's a positive one. If I'm going to let something go, it has to truly be let go, like the outcome of it, it doesn't matter. Did I need to invoice for those two and a half, did I need to get a little more money? No. Did I do more work? Yes. Was it two and a half hours? Perhaps not. I'm just trying to get value for myself, I've done something that no one else is doing, I've gone online, I've found particular examples of a certain feather that had been wanting to put there, and I've figured out a way to get it in there, make it look good, and all of that takes time, and that's part of the process of being, of working, of being paid. So I'm not asking for anything unreasonably, except that I've decided that I'm asking for something. I didn't have to. I've made it about the money. I haven't left it and said, OK, well, next time I invoice, when we actually do more work specifically, I'll add that on, and it will all get paid. What's the problem? I've got a problem. I've got a problem. It's my problem. Should I expect someone else to accommodate my problem? In my experience, I don't like the way that works usually. It's like I'm putting somebody out. I'm imposing on them. I want them to care enough to do the right thing so I don't have to. At the same time, I still want the thing done. So it's a strange duality. Only someone really interested in what I have to share who hasn't been bombarded with recordings so that they have loads to catch up on. It's OK if they're 9, 10, 12 minutes, but if it's 20, 30 minutes, you might think that's a lot. If it's a chore, and it can become a chore if there's too many, but to make a record and just leave it there for a few weeks seems strange to me because of momentum, and I don't usually do it, but it could do. It could work. Why not? So that you don't get too many, then you might be interested in when you do. Timing for me like that is strange because I'm clearly looking for a response. I want interaction. I want to share my actual feeling, my real truth and get the response that it deserves. I don't know how much is it that I get my way, that I make things happen, or that it just is what comes from being very honest and real. I want to be honest and real, but on the whole, I'm not. I'm better, but I'm not, and that's still a problem.