Always getting what I can get p1

The speaker has become accustomed to focusing on what they can get rather than giving, as they feel it is difficult for them to give and have it be received well. They have accepted that they can't do it and don't want to negatively impact others. They have learned to take care of themselves and not rely on others for what they need. They have experienced situations where people wanted to give, but it didn't always work out because they didn't know the speaker well enough. The speaker has learned to appreciate when help is offered, but doesn't seek it out. They have realized the importance of balance in giving and receiving. They have also learned from past mistakes in relying too much on others and not being able to give back in a balanced way. They now prioritize self-sufficiency but still appreciate the help they receive, such as showers. The speaker has had experiences with van life and relationships where need and giving became problematic. They tried to overcome it with love but I've become used to making sure that I get what I can get rather than give what I can give because it seems so difficult, so impossible for me to give of myself and it be received well I just stopped really, I just accepted that I can't do it, I don't want to affect people negatively so I'll just focus on what I need, I know what I need, I can't expect other people to be able to always want to give me something I need so I have to do it myself I might not always get what I need or want but I'm more likely to because I'm not going to be going after things I don't need or want other people with good hearts wanting to give something of themselves, of their life and I want to accept it and be grateful for it but there are times when actually they don't get it right, they just, why would they always get it right? they don't know me and so I would struggle to accept what they were excited to give, they wanted to give and I would accept it of course because actually the thought matters more than the thing but if you're around someone who, if I'm around someone who is doing that long enough there's a kind of dissonance arises because they're actually doing something that they are happy to do it actually turns out to be for them as much as it is for me because they get something out of it and I'm not saying they shouldn't feel good about what they do, if you do good deeds you should feel good about doing those good deeds proud to have helped, to have done something, I get it, I know how it makes me feel if I'm able to do something for someone in a way that works for me, but it's been a long time really, I've sort of shut down in many ways I've just accepted it works better if I just look after myself and I don't get involved with other people who, and I don't make those people feel like I actually want their help that I'm after their help, I have done that where I've just opened full on whatever help you want to give me, anything to make it better, it's almost like people feel sorry if you don't have it's easy for instance to be in a van situation and people feel like they want to help if they can just to make it easier and that's lovely and I've experienced it but then it becomes a problem for me it's almost like they get used to doing it, they want to do it and it makes them feel good about doing it but actually I can take it for granted, I get used to it, it becomes normal and that's not right so rather than do that I don't seek it, if it's offered I appreciate it and I might not take it just so that if I do take it or seek it, it's not common generally, that's how I do it if I can, I'm better than I was when I would just take anything, anything anyone could give me and eventually even sort of sharing with people that I didn't really get on with just because what they had to give me was something I felt I really needed, a place to be safe, warm and dry where I didn't have to deal with material things, bills and bureaucracy, I could just be me just blow my horn, just do my thing and I experienced that but it didn't work because ultimately it was taking too much from the other, I wasn't really giving back in a balanced way I didn't have anything to give other than myself and who I was didn't seem to matter because what I needed just overwhelmed it, now I'm not relying on other people so I appreciate the opportunity to shower and I do that, I get once a week or once every 10 days or sometimes once every couple of weeks, it sort of works with Kay but there are other options and I don't want to just take it all for granted so I do accept some things but very little, I want to feel and give the vibe out of self-sufficiency off-grid, doing it myself, I can't do it all myself, we all need help sometimes and the one thing I can't do is like showering, I don't have indoor plumbing but it sort of happens, toilets, showers, it's not always just van life but it is much, much more van life, much more van life than it was the last time and the last time I was trying to get out of it as a result and ended up several years in America attempting to have a relationship with a number of people and failing at it ultimately because it was about need and they were willing to give, Americans are very kind and giving people but you know there's only so much that you can give if it's being taken and if you feel like it's being taken or if you feel like it's being taken for granted it becomes much harder to give and when you're in a situation where you're relying on someone to do a lot of giving, it's inevitable that they're going to feel like you're just using them I understand, that was a mistake, I thought I could overcome that with love, by loving them but it turns out I couldn't, I just couldn't do it perhaps because I didn't feel it on a level that I would have needed to at first, that the need actually created the need for me to be able to show love or create love, manufacture love, manipulate love, I don't know but not in a real way, not in a true way if I did this then I would get that, so it wasn't a true giving, it was a manipulation and that's why it failed